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1
Attention boys and ghouls.
2
Nope.
3
Every Halloween I dress up in an amazing costume, and you never get what I am.
4
No, we get what you are.
5
An adult man who enjoys dress-up.
6
Very funny, Rosa.
7
This year, that won't be a problem, because you're gonna pick my costume.
8
Aw, come on.
9
Uh, Ms. Pac-Man's nipple.
10
No, that's brown.
11
Why would you know that?
12
To be or not to be?
13
Not to be.
14
Thank you.
15
Ha!
16
Joan of Arc, Rod Stewart, Martha Stewart, He-Man, Master of the Universe!
17
I got it!
18
Gay Robin Hood!
19
Yes!
20
Oh my gosh, that's what it is!
21
Hey Charles, wanna grab a beer before you go home?
22
Ooh, a yeast feast!
23
Never mind.
24
No, no, no, I wanna go, it's just, there's a huge emergency I have to deal with first.
25
Oh no, is everything okay?
26
It's about my food truck.
27
I have to get a party spot.
28
Oh, that doesn't sound as intense as you were making it out to be.
29
Move your asshole, bitch!
30
What is happening?
31
We have to get there by 7 o'clock when they lift the parking restrictions.
32
It's the best fight in Brooklyn and everyone wants it.
33
Get the hell out of the way!
34
Charles, I highly doubt the entire food truck industry is racing to get into this one spot.
35
It's not Mad Max.
36
We're neck and neck with rice pudding.
37
You got Korean tacos on your six.
38
Oh my god, it's real.
39
We're on the Fury Road.
40
Witness me, blood bag!
41
Hold on tight!
42
The End Greg?
43
Larry?
44
What's going on?
45
Any idea why Marshall Haas called this special meeting?
46
I don't know.
47
Do you think she saw the video we put on the internet to lure Jimmy Figgis down here?
48
Corn dog peened by go-kart?
49
It's pwned, but that was really adorable.
50
Well, if she has, it would ruin our entire plan.
51
Here she comes.
52
Gentlemen.
53
Sup.
54
So, how's it going?
55
It's good.
56
It's really good.
57
Uh, keeping a low prof. No contact with Brooklyn.
58
No one's questioned our identities.
59
Definitely staying off the net.
60
Right, Greg.
61
Right.
62
That's it?
63
That's all you have to say to me?
64
Yeah, I think we're good.
65
So nobody's gonna ask me how I'm doing?
66
Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.
67
It's not.
68
Turn back around.
69
Watch the movie.
70
This is official business.
71
I was just testing you, because Greg is the kind of person cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.
72
Is something off with you, Marshall Haas?
73
I don't know.
74
I mean, I met someone, okay?
75
And, um, I mean, it's not my husband.
76
I mean, nothing's happened yet, but my entire body is on fire.
77
He's Cuban.
78
Is this still official business?
79
Of course it is.
80
Shut up and watch a movie.
81
Yeah.
82
Pop quiz.
83
If Larry were married and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.
84
Sure.
85
But he knew that one night, this person could give him everything he needed for the rest of his life.
86
Would he do it?
87
Yes?
88
Yes?
89
Good.
90
What if this person that Larry met was young?
91
I mean, really young.
92
Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
93
You know, it seems to me Larry has needs and deserves to have those needs met.
94
Greg, you're really great at being undercover.
95
No, you both passed the test.
96
Monaco!
97
Vamanos!
98
Round my neck.
99
Also, we clean up the streets.
100
Yeah, sure, that's good, too.
101
So, I've been planning how to zing Madeline when she puts the medal on.
102
I have the perfect line.
103
Lunchtime is over.
104
It's a play on lunchtime.
105
Yes, devastating burns, sir.
106
But you know what would really show her is if you said nothing at all.
107
Oh, interesting, interesting.
108
Let Madeline know she's not even worth my staying up all night crafting zingers.
109
Lunch time took you all night?
110
Trust me.
111
Turn the other cheek.
112
Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts.
113
But works either way.
114
Yes.
115
I should be the bigger person.
116
It shouldn't be hard, given that Madeline's not technically a person.
117
For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain...
118
Raymond Holt.
119
Raymond.
120
Madeleine.
121
You won.
122
Go ahead and gloat, you toad.
123
Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.
124
Oh.
125
Okay.
126
You're welcome.
127
Lunchtime is over.
128
Boom! Did it!
129
Ha-ha!
130
Had it both ways.
131
No regrets.
132
Attention, squad.
133
Here's where we stand vis-a-vis whether or not the precinct will be shut down.
134
The precinct will be shut down.
135
What?
136
But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight.
137
Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the 7-4 was getting shut down instead.
138
There's no way that's true.
139
Amy doesn't have a friend.
140
I do so.
141
Although I only see her at work events, and we only talk through email.
142
Oh, God, she's just a colleague.
143
Santiago's work acquaintance is correct.
144
Tonight at 7, the committee is choosing between us and the 7-4, although the 7-4 has a significant advantage.
145
They house an elite gang task force.
146
Well, this is on you, sir.
147
I begged you for a task force, but no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike Team Thunder, Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target.
148
You never told me what it was for.
149
It's a strike team that...
150
kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.
151
They're gonna spit us up and send us all the different precincts.
152
This is the last time I'm gonna stand up here and look at you guys.
153
He's got closer damn legs!
154
No!
155
This isn't over yet.
156
Sure, maybe we don't have Strike Team Thunder, Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target, but we're the Nine-Nine.
157
We have Rosa and Charles, Gina, Amy and Terry and Carl!
158
It's Mark.
159
Sorry, I was just trying to include someone from outside the inner circle.
160
There's an inner circle?
161
The point is we're not rolling over.
162
We're gonna solve a huge case before the hearing tonight.
163
And then the NYPD cannot shut us down.
164
So come on, Captain.
165
Give me something big and juicy.
166
What do you got?
167
A 10-year-old had his bike stolen.
168
We are est in the B.
169
Okay, we're all set up in there, Mr. Peralta?
170
Just, uh, sign here.
171
What's all set up?
172
What's going on?
173
Thank you for asking, Terrence.
174
You see, the food in prison was inedible.
175
All I thought about day and night were the things I wished I was eating.
176
And you, Amy.
177
I thought about you a lot.
178
Sex with you, just us doing sex with foreplay.
179
Great save, babe.
180
Thanks.
181
And so I decided to make my food fantasy come true.
182
Unbutton your pants and take off your shoes, because there's gonna be a doink load of sodium at Freedom Feast 2017.
183
We begin where all great stories begin, in the quaint little town of French Fry Village.
184
After that, we're gonna move our adventure over to Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists, you guessed it, of turkey burgers.
185
I'm kidding, it's cheeseburgers.
186
This is kind of just stuffing.
187
You can avoid that.
188
But it's attached to the Thanksgiving turkey theme, because I was thinking about that a lot up in the jail.
189
And finally, we have a big old Passover brisket, because you know I loves my mom.
190
If you would all take a seat while I make a toast.
191
Kindly raise your two liters. To freedom. To you.
192
And most importantly, to orange drink.
193
And Sex with Amy.
194
To Sex with Amy!
195
Sorry.
196
Shouldn't have said that last part.
197
Oh, this is amazing.
198
This is so amazing.
199
Everything about this is amazing.
200
What are you talking about?
201
A virus got on the server and sent all of us an email with everyone's search histories.
202
Check this out.
203
Sergeant Jeffords searched the internet for undiscovered muscle.
204
I was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before.
205
I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.
206
Listen to this.
207
Scully searched for how much fudge is in a calorie.
208
I never found the answer, but it's a good question.
209
Boyle looked up how to make desk yogurt.
210
Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results.
211
Although the jar is really hot.
212
That's gross.
213
And Amy searched for Daniel Craighands plus close-up.
214
Ugh.
215
You should talk.
216
You searched for cheapest date possible.
217
And I wear that search like a badge of honor.
218
So, ready for dinner?
219
Here we go.
220
Would you like something sweet or maybe savory?
221
Apple pie, and I'm stuck.
222
I'm stuck!
223
Careful.
224
I only get one shot at this brawler.
225
Don't worry.
226
I know what I'm doing.
227
I saw the first 15 minutes of the Hurt Locker.
228
Hurry.
229
The stench is too much.
230
We gotta get those shoes out of here.
231
How much time do we have?
232
Scully ate his pot pie 30 minutes ago, so we probably got 10 minutes left on this nap.
233
12 if he's turkey tired.
234
All right, count it up.
235
It's trapped.
236
Abort mission.
237
I have an idea.
238
Let's send these shoes to hell.
239
Oh, wait.
240
It just smells worse than before.
241
Abort!
242
Morning. Who were those for?
243
Captain Holt's uncle passed away.
244
They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.
245
Interesting.
246
Flowers are a bold choice, Santiago.
247
But I can still beat you.
248
Beat me at expressing condolences.
249
Yep, it's on.
250
Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts.
251
I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here.
252
Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss.
253
Group sentiment.
254
Very meaningful.
255
Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
256
Selfless act.
257
Very respectful.
258
Correct.
259
I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!
260
Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?
261
Personal.
262
It's a personal matter involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.
263
So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?
264
I don't know.
265
Hey, Captain.
266
I just sent you an e-mail.
267
Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss.
268
Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
269
Sent from my stinky butt.
270
I was hacked?
271
Thank you for the e-mail.
272
It means a lot to me.
273
You're very welcome.
274
I was addressing your stinky butt.
275
No!
276
No, no, no!
277
You can't take her from me, you bastard!
278
Don't do this, Scully.
279
You have to be strong over her right now.
280
What's going on?
281
Eunice being replaced.
282
Come on!
283
That machine's been here forever.
284
It's basically part of the force.
285
Take Scully instead.
286
Yes, please.
287
Take me to the land of any machines.
288
Can we at least have five minutes to say a proper goodbye?
289
Whatever.
290
Let me just start by saying that this machine is the best restaurant in Brooklyn, and it always had a table for me.
291
I knew just where to punch it to get free food.
292
Now I have to go back to punching Hitchcock.
293
Look, she still has the bags of baby carrots I requested they put in.
294
They're black now, but they're there.
295
Goodbye, beautiful machine.
296
Thank you for your service.
297
Okay.
298
Squad salute.
299
You can take her away now.
300
Well, I think we handled that with dignity.
301
Free candy!
302
Oh, ho, ho!
303
Merry Christmas!
304
Whoa, thank you, good sir.
305
The elves will not starve this night.
306
Any sign of our bogey?
307
Negative.
308
Are you sure our guy's in the show?
309
My C.I said he walked this route exactly the last three days.
310
Fine, but in ten minutes we're calling this.
311
I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.
312
Of course we have to bag a major giggle pig flair soon or they're gonna shut us down.
313
Oh ho ho and a bottle of rum!
314
Presents!
315
God you're bad at being Santa.
316
Jake holy crap nine o'clock.
317
The Pontiac Bandit, aka Doug Judy.
318
Okay Santa stay calm just like we practiced.
319
Merry Judy Mr. Doug Judy Christmas.
320
Dammit!
321
Carousel?
322
No!
323
I'll give ring a talk!
324
Ah!
325
Greasy!
326
NYPD, stop where you are!
327
Come on, Santa, why are you so fast?
328
NYPD, clear out.
329
Where are you?
330
Ah!
331
Ah!
332
Gotcha!
333
Doug, Judy, you're under arrest.
334
Put your hands in the air.
335
Hey, Rosa.
336
Merry Christmas, girl.
337
Shut up.
338
Take a good look, kids.
339
This is what happens when you're naughty!
340
So, that's 20 cargo ships in the last three months.
341
Whoever's behind this smuggling ring knows their way around the docks, so we're going undercover as longshoremen.
342
I will be Von Tom Tucker, a gruff, spitting, punch-you-in-the-guts sailor man who's taking a little break on dry land, but just until my girlfriend, Cangela, gets out of lady jail...
343
Did you just spit in my trash can?
344
No, Vaughn did.
345
There's some tobacco in there, too.
346
Vaughn chews it, but it makes Jake super dizzy.
347
And I'm Twink Tucker.
348
You cannot choose your own name anymore.
349
I got a job at the docks to support my drug habit, but I kept it because I love the seagulls.
350
What, are you Irish now?
351
No. Well, we better get going, Captain.
352
Don't want to be late for our shift down to the docks.
353
Good news.
354
The leader of the cargo smoking ring turned himself in at the 8-3.
355
The mafia was closing in on him.
356
Oh.
357
Oh, that's great.
358
That's good news.
359
Yeah.
360
Case closed.
361
I guess we'll just return these outfits.
362
Great.
363
Take this back.
364
You have ten minutes.
365
Coffee.
366
Extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.
367
It gets cold on them ducks.
368
I want a gray tea for me.
369
Twink, Tucker.
370
Nope, you ruined it.
371
Come on, come on, Captain.
372
Pick up.
373
Your friend Bob is secretly working for Jimmy the Butcher Figgis.
374
This is a call you're gonna want to take.
375
Bob must have done something to him.
376
Or maybe they're talking about something super boring, like potatoes or beans.
377
White rice, brown rice.
378
Those are just some of the rices I love.
379
Also basmati.
380
Now, that's all of them now.
381
I should have known Agent Whelan was dirty.
382
There were signs.
383
He wore a bee-neck once.
384
Mom, you did nothing.
385
That's my greatest regret.
386
Well, at least he's still alive.
387
When he comes out of the coma, we'll get him to talk.
388
Do you mind getting us some food?
389
I can't fathom eating these candies that Peralta bought us.
390
Chocolate is the devil's carob.
391
And carob is Satan's raisin.
392
I'll go down to the cafeteria, see if I can't scare up some untoasted bread.
393
Yeah.
394
Oh, Raymond.
395
I forgot my wallet and my...
396
Bob, you've killed him.
397
And now I'm going to have to kill you.
398
I've never been more shocked.
399
Thank you, Margaret.
400
You're welcome, Raymond.
401
Sham is Murphy.
402
That's right.
403
Remember how I saved the detectives from prison in exchange for a favor?
404
The time has come...
405
Wait, this is in my order.
406
This isn't my order.
407
What?
408
This is an omelet.
409
I don't eat omelets on vacation.
410
Yeah, I don't care what you eat.
411
I'm here to call in the favor that you owe me.
412
Billy, what if I say no?
413
This is you asking me for in-town promising to pay me back.
414
How do you think this would look to your bosses, especially now that you're up for the commission a job?
415
Yeah, I know everything.
416
So, what do you want from me?
417
A permit to throw a block party?
418
We don't even have to break the law.
419
This is fantastic news.
420
I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit.
421
He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal, a robbery, a murder, or something worse.
422
You don't know that for sure.
423
And that's your loophole.
424
I don't believe in loopholes.
425
What?
426
Loopholes are the best.
427
Remember that time when Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit?
428
I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99.
429
All I had to do was sleep there and never shower.
430
What?
431
Thanks for the invite, friend.
432
I will not be using a loophole, Peralta.
433
As always, I'll be using the main hole or no hole.
434
I choose no hole.
435
You just said whole way too much, sir.
436
And that's coming from Charles.
437
Yes, that's concerning.
438
Oh, you think you know someone, Jake?
439
Unbelievable!
440
All right, gang.
441
Diet day four.
442
How's everyone holding up?
443
Honestly, I'm going to last forever.
444
You hear that, bitches?
445
I'm gonna last forever.
446
I'm doing great.
447
This morning, the homeless guy on my stoop said my skin looked dope.
448
What's going on?
449
Why do you all have matching bags?
450
We're doing a diet together.
451
My wife found it.
452
She heard about it at Mommy and Me graphic design.
453
Wait, it might have been Tyler Karate.
454
She takes our little ladies to so many classes, I can't keep it straight.
455
Childhood is truly a time of wonder.
456
This diet is very scientific, sir.
457
All the meals are pre-planned and delivered to your doorstep.
458
This is our breakfast.
459
An orange wedge, three cashew nuts, and a solitary grape.
460
It's actually more than you realize.
461
Sometimes I can't even finish all the grape.
462
Well, this seems unnecessary to me.
463
You're all in perfect shape.
464
You can always be healthier, sir.
465
And I like the challenge.
466
Plus, it's good team building.
467
We're gonna get through this together.
468
Hey, guys, pro tip.
469
Lick the baggie.
470
There's food molecules in there.
471
Oh, that's so smart.
472
Oh.
473
Hey, Cap'n, got a second?
474
It's Captain.
475
What did I say?
476
Cap'n, like Cap'n Crunch.
477
All right, but to be fair, Cap'n Crunch was a war hero and the primary male role model in my house growing up, so... So...
478
Anyways, cap 10.
479
You know that jewelry store robbery down by Grand Army Plaza?
480
I know who did it.
481
Dustin Whitman.
482
I put him in Rikers two years ago.
483
He just got out, and the crime scene matches his MO perfectly.
484
Okay, what do we got?
485
Security cam shows male suspect, 5'9".
486
Wearing a black ski mask.
487
He bypassed McConnell alarm by using the magnetic kill switch.
488
And he only stole diamonds.
489
Nothing over two carats.
490
Yeah, exactly.
491
How'd you know?
492
I'm a detective.
493
That's what I do.
494
I'm just kidding.
495
I need a lot more information, but that would have been a great exit line, right?
496
Crime texts aren't done yet, but I'm 100% sure it's Whitman.
497
Well, let's see what kind of physical evidence they turn up and then we can talk arrest.
498
Actually, hilarious story.
499
So that is Dustin Whitman.
500
You already arrested him with insufficient evidence.
501
By law, we have 48 hours to find that evidence and we have to let him go.
502
You just start the clock.
503
What's up with this emergency meeting?
504
Whoa, Detective Santiago.
505
Big date tonight.
506
How do I look?
507
Well, I think you look.
508
Sorry, that was supposed to be a cat call.
509
I don't know how this works.
510
Hey, is this why you were getting makeup tips from the prostitute in the holding cell?
511
I just wanted to know how she got such smoky eyes.
512
Turns out it was an STD rash.
513
Detective Peralta's made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
514
Way to go, Jakey.
515
That's okay.
516
That's okay.
517
No!
518
He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick.
519
So we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
520
Aw, damn it.
521
What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
522
Some pretty ironclad stuff.
523
Destin, it's been a while.
524
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
525
Well, well, well.
526
If it isn't joke or alter, that's it, you're under arrest!
527
Case closed?
528
If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens the department up to a lawsuit.
529
So cancel your plans.
530
We're here until this is over.
531
Damn it, Peralta.
532
Ow!
533
I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend. But?
534
That was it.
535
I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
536
Peralta, are you eating an Italian sub for breakfast?
537
I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies, so I got extra pepper-cini.
538
Smart.
539
Excuse me.
540
You need to watch yourself.
541
I'm sorry?
542
Cop?
543
All right, let's everybody just stay calm here.
544
Oh, what?
545
Are you gonna arrest me for dancing?
546
You call that dancing?
547
Ooh!
548
This is dancing.
549
What is happening?
550
I'm diffusing the situation.
551
Dancing Captain, let's capture image of a lifeline!
552
Why is my phone always dead?
553
I paid $13 for it!
554
Don't worry, Charlie.
555
I got it.
556
Oh, my hands are covered in butter from making butter.
557
I'm on it. Must record. Must record.
558
Hammer on.
559
All right, here we go.
560
Dancing over.
561
Situation diffused.
562
No!
563
So I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint.
564
King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
565
Isn't that the plot and tagline of...
566
The movie Training Day?
567
Yes.
568
Great observation tank.
569
It's because it's based on my life.
570
Lunch is over.
571
Bust your trays.
572
Now, Peralta.
573
I haven't finished my lemon cookie bowl.
574
And you're not gonna get to either.
575
Give it to me.
576
Oh, you want the cookie?
577
There's your cookie.
578
You're going in the hole.
579
Oh, I'm going in the hole?
580
Yeah.
581
Yeah, bring it on!
582
Jack!
583
Jack!
584
Jack!
585
Jack!
586
Jack!
587
Jack!
588
Jack!
589
Jack!
590
Jack!
591
Jack!
592
Jack!
593
I've been waiting in here for four minutes, and it's gross.
594
Man, it really is.
595
Okay, snitch time.
596
What's up with Romero?
597
All right, he's got a delivery coming in on Wednesday night.
598
One of the cafeteria workers is smuggling something in with the produce.
599
Ha-ha, great.
600
See you Thursday.
601
Wait, what?
602
You're just gonna leave me in here in solitary?
603
You spit in a guard's face.
604
That's five days in the hole.
605
Yeah, but, I mean, you made me do that.
606
Well, we don't want anybody getting suspicious, huh? Have fun. Have fun.
607
Try not to go crazy.
608
Okay, no big deal.
609
Five days is nothing.
610
I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts.
611
My thoughts are awesome.
612
Die hard sex on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me and I'm gonna die alone.
613
Oh, boy, that happened fast.
614
Guard!
615
Guard!
616
Good morning, everyone.
617
Oh.
618
My.
619
Goodness.
620
Sarge.
621
What. Are.
622
The.
623
Chances?
624
I say zero.
625
Oh, I mean, when Genevieve got me these suspenders, I thought I'd lean into it and go for the whole look, but I didn't want to step on your toes.
626
That being said, you know what this means.
627
Don't do this, Charles.
628
Oh, it's already done.
629
Gather around, y'all.
630
It's time to play Who Wore It Best.
631
I'd really rather not.
632
Because you're a little chicken?
633
Who wore it best?
634
Who wore it best?
635
Who wore it best?
636
Terry.
637
What?
638
Come on!
639
You should change, Boyle.
640
Not here!
641
This installation is composed of Constantine's accounts of the First Punic War.
642
In the year 263...
643
Ah, yes.
644
The First Pubic War.
645
The sexiest of all wars.
646
Hi, Dr. Albrin Einsteib.
647
I have an urgent question for you about ancient Greece.
648
Shall we walk?
649
Of course, Doctor...
650
I feel like you said Einstein?
651
Yes, that's correct.
652
It's a family name.
653
What is going on?
654
Captain Holtz, let me just follow my lead.
655
Your theory is wrong.
656
The Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan horse's butt.
657
Put this on.
658
A rose-shearing head at work?
659
People will think I'm demented.
660
Just put it on.
661
Kevin?
662
Doctor Einstein?
663
No, Professor McGonagall.
664
Why is Bloor dressed as me?
665
Shh!
666
Get in.
667
Get in!
668
Professor?
669
Judith?
670
Hello, Kevin.
671
It's me, Raymond Holt.
672
We need to get you to safety.
673
Your life is in danger.
674
Dowel, dowel!
675
Tommy, down!
676
Tommy, down!
677
Tommy, down!
678
Tommy, down!
679
Tommy!
680
Tommy!
681
Tommy!
682
Gobbler's back and he wants to hear what you turkeys are thankful for.
683
Charles, you gotta stop.
684
No!
685
I don't gobble understand people. But Charles...
686
Gobble!
687
Dude, gobble!
688
Gobble, gobble, your tail feather is caught in a gobble door.
689
Thank you, gobble.
690
Wait, what?
691
Oh, God!
692
Oh.
693
I think your feathers are ripping.
694
Gobble.
695
Gobble.
696
Hello?
697
I followed all your rules.
698
I'm unarmed.
699
I'm not wearing a wire.
700
I came alone.
701
There's no backup.
702
Come on, man.
703
I need your help to take down your brother.
704
Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit.
705
Hey, baby.
706
Nice legs.
707
Why are you in your boxes?
708
So you would know I'm not wearing a wire.
709
Your buddy Scott said I had to.
710
Ah, that makes sense.
711
Scott's a perv.
712
Hey, Scott, wherever you watchin' from, go home.
713
Sorry, man.
714
So what's so important?
715
I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
716
I hate the guy.
717
Stole from my mom, burned our house down.
718
Worst of all, he ran off on my LP of Phil Collins' No Jacket Required.
719
It's my favorite album.
720
Haven't heard it in 20 years.
721
I mean, can't you just stream it?
722
Can't do that to Phil.
723
Susudio demands vinyl.
724
Right, vinyl and whatnot.
725
Okay, well, George is a murderer now, and he just escaped from prison.
726
We think he might be trying to flee the country.
727
You want me to help you catch him?
728
Like when X-Men teamed up with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.
729
I heard that one was bad.
730
Wasn't great.
731
I still want to see it, though.
732
I'll watch it again.
733
So does that mean you're in?
734
Of course I am.
735
Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once.
736
Cop and criminal working together?
737
We need a theme song.
738
Oh.
739
The Pontiac Bandit and Jenga cops.
740
Oh.
741
Taking down crooks in the streets where they live.
742
Floating with girls who are hot for the bash.
743
There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.
744
OK, great.
745
I'll see you tomorrow.
746
Thanks, doctor.
747
Have a good one.
748
Hey there, Sarge.
749
Not deprived, but I couldn't help but overhear.
750
You going to the doctor?
751
Everything okay?
752
I'm getting a vasectomy.
753
My ears are burning.
754
Someone say a vasectomy?
755
I got snipped.
756
No big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
757
It's not supposed to.
758
Trunk to skunk?
759
Hold it up.
760
You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there?
761
You are blessed with a great power.
762
And you should never snip its wings.
763
You should let it soar.
764
Thanks, guys.
765
That's enough.
766
I don't need any more input.
767
Neither does your wife, I guess.
768
Look, you guys, if the sergeant wants to chop off his penis, that is his choice.
769
That's not what a vasectomy is.
770
If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives. And blanks.
771
Sorry.
772
I just never think of jokes.
773
Anybody else?
774
This is your last chance.
775
Oh, God, no need to be so testy.
776
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
777
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spare minute record?
778
Now playing, Scrotal Recall.
779
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to start clapping, because I just made a major drug bust.
780
Talking about four kilos of cocaine, 200,000 cash, and.. my new partner, a tarantula.
781
I call him Jake Jr., a.k.a.
782
Spidey Klum, a.k.a.
783
Mrs. Doubt Spider, a.k.a.
784
Joe Spiden, AKA Tarantula Bassett, AKA Spidermot Mulroney.
785
AKA Tarantulina Jolie.
786
What?
787
No, Charles, have you seen the spider?
788
That's a terrible name.
789
Sorry.
790
Why do you have that thing?
791
Because they were gonna throw him away, but I couldn't let them do that to my furry little...
792
Oh, he's actually really scary up close.
793
It's horrifying from everywhere.
794
Terry hates creepy crawlers.
795
Seriously?
796
I'm not going to your apartment if that thing is there.
797
All right, fine.
798
Then he'll just live here and help me solve crimes.
799
Get used to him, everyone, because me and this spider are partners for life.
800
He's gone.
801
I left the cage unlocked and he's gone.
802
Somebody find him!
803
I'm good.
804
I'm out of here!
805
He couldn't have gone far, unless he can fly.
806
Can tarantulas fly?
807
Jake, you better find that spider.
808
And I'm not coming back here until you do!
809
Uh, Sarge, I think I found it.
810
Why are you looking at me like that?
811
It's on my head!
812
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history.
813
The auction for?
814
The suitcase of mystery.
815
Exactly, Jacob.
816
This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976.
817
No one alive today knows its contents.
818
I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off.
819
How long did you give me a spray tan?
820
Any shade you want.
821
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity.
822
Who can top it?
823
Massage.
824
I'll give you a massage.
825
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified.
826
Interesting approach.
827
Orange Jake!
828
Going once!
829
Going twice!
830
I'll show you a picture of me in high school.
831
There is side pony.
832
Ooh, Rosa coming in hot, Rosa coming in hot.
833
I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe.
834
I'll go on a date with you.
835
Sold! To Jake.
836
Not to Schooley, that really freaked me out, and I just want this to end now.
837
Woo! So there's this suitcase.
838
I don't care.
839
Yeah!
840
Captions by Red Bee Media
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本节课学习内容
通过《神烦警探》（Brooklyn 99）的幽默片段，学习者将练习英语影子跟读技巧，提升口语流畅度与对日常对话节奏的把握。片段中包含快速对话、俚语及夸张表达，适合作为雅思口语练习的实用素材，帮助学习者适应自然语境中的交流方式。
核心词汇与短语
- Yeast feast：字面意为“酵母盛宴”，此处幽默指代啤酒，体现口语中的隐喻表达。
- Neck and neck：形容“势均力敌”，常用于描述竞争场景，如对话中食物车的争抢。
- Emergency：在片段中被夸张使用，指“紧急情况”，可学习其在口语中的灵活语气。
- Pwned：网络俚语，意为“彻底击败”，此处用于调侃视频内容，适合了解现代英语用法。
- Lure：表示“引诱”，是雅思口语中常用的动词，可用于描述计划或策略。
练习技巧
影子跟读的节奏与语气把控
片段对话节奏较快，且包含大量幽默语气词，适合作为shadowing site的练习素材。进行shadowspeak时，需注意以下两点：首先，关注角色的语调变化，如Rosa的讽刺语气与Charles的急切感，模仿时需还原这种情绪差异，这对shadow speech的自然度至关重要；其次，对话中存在大量连读与弱读（如“gonna”“wanna”），影子跟读后需反复对比原声，纠正发音细节。
为何选择这段视频？
幽默场景中的口语表达更贴近真实生活，能帮助学习者在放松状态下提升语感。通过英语影子跟读练习，不仅可增强听力理解，还能积累地道短语，为雅思口语练习打下基础。建议每天抽取5分钟重复练习，重点模仿快速对话部分，逐渐适应自然语速。
记住，影子跟读的核心是“同步反应”，无需追求一字不差，关键是培养语言的即时处理能力。坚持练习，你会发现口语流畅度与自信心都将显著提升。
视频中的语法
说话人最常用的结构，并附上视频中的原话：
| 结构 | 视频中的用法 |
|---|---|
| 现在完成进行时 have/has been + -ing — 以前开始、现在仍在继续的动作 | I've been planning · I've been waiting |
| 现在完成时 have/has + 过去分词 — 过去发生但与现在仍有关联的事 | machine's been · you've killed · I've never been |
| 被动语态 be + 过去分词 — 强调发生了什么，而不是谁做的 | will be shut · was hacked · being replaced |
什么是跟读法？
跟读法 (Shadowing) 是一种有科学依据的语言学习技巧，最初开发用于专业口译员的培训，并由多语言者Alexander Arguelles博士普及。这个方法简单而强大：您在听英语母语原声的同时立即大声重复——就像是一个延迟1-2秒紧跟说话者的影子。与被动听力或语法练习不同，跟读法强迫您的大脑和口腔肌肉同时处理并模仿真实的讲话模式。研究表明它能显着提高发音准确性，语调，节奏，连读，听力理解和口语流利度——使其成为雅思口语备考和真实英语交流最有效的方法之一。