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Attention boys and ghouls.

Nope.

Every Halloween I dress up in an amazing costume, and you never get what I am.

No, we get what you are.

An adult man who enjoys dress-up.

Very funny, Rosa.

This year, that won't be a problem, because you're gonna pick my costume.

Aw, come on.

Uh, Ms. Pac-Man's nipple.

No, that's brown.

Why would you know that?

To be or not to be?

Not to be.

Thank you.

Ha!

Joan of Arc, Rod Stewart, Martha Stewart, He-Man, Master of the Universe!

I got it!

Gay Robin Hood!

Yes!

Oh my gosh, that's what it is!

Hey Charles, wanna grab a beer before you go home?

Ooh, a yeast feast!

Never mind.

No, no, no, I wanna go, it's just, there's a huge emergency I have to deal with first.

Oh no, is everything okay?

It's about my food truck.

I have to get a party spot.

Oh, that doesn't sound as intense as you were making it out to be.

Move your asshole, bitch!

What is happening?

We have to get there by 7 o'clock when they lift the parking restrictions.

It's the best fight in Brooklyn and everyone wants it.

Get the hell out of the way!

Charles, I highly doubt the entire food truck industry is racing to get into this one spot.

It's not Mad Max.

We're neck and neck with rice pudding.

You got Korean tacos on your six.

Oh my god, it's real.

We're on the Fury Road.

Witness me, blood bag!

Hold on tight!

The End Greg?

Larry?

What's going on?

Any idea why Marshall Haas called this special meeting?

I don't know.

Do you think she saw the video we put on the internet to lure Jimmy Figgis down here?

Corn dog peened by go-kart?

It's pwned, but that was really adorable.

Well, if she has, it would ruin our entire plan.

Here she comes.

Gentlemen.

Sup.

So, how's it going?

It's good.

It's really good.

Uh, keeping a low prof. No contact with Brooklyn.

No one's questioned our identities.

Definitely staying off the net.

Right, Greg.

Right.

That's it?

That's all you have to say to me?

Yeah, I think we're good.

So nobody's gonna ask me how I'm doing?

Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.

It's not.

Turn back around.

Watch the movie.

This is official business.

I was just testing you, because Greg is the kind of person cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.

Is something off with you, Marshall Haas?

I don't know.

I mean, I met someone, okay?

And, um, I mean, it's not my husband.

I mean, nothing's happened yet, but my entire body is on fire.

He's Cuban.

Is this still official business?

Of course it is.

Shut up and watch a movie.

Yeah.

Pop quiz.

If Larry were married and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.

Sure.

But he knew that one night, this person could give him everything he needed for the rest of his life.

Would he do it?

Yes?

Good.

What if this person that Larry met was young?

I mean, really young.

Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.

You know, it seems to me Larry has needs and deserves to have those needs met.

Greg, you're really great at being undercover.

No, you both passed the test.

Monaco!

Vamanos!

Round my neck.

Also, we clean up the streets.

100

Yeah, sure, that's good, too.

101

So, I've been planning how to zing Madeline when she puts the medal on.

102

I have the perfect line.

103

Lunchtime is over.

104

It's a play on lunchtime.

105

Yes, devastating burns, sir.

106

But you know what would really show her is if you said nothing at all.

107

Oh, interesting, interesting.

108

Let Madeline know she's not even worth my staying up all night crafting zingers.

109

Lunch time took you all night?

110

Trust me.

111

Turn the other cheek.

112

Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts.

113

But works either way.

114

Yes.

115

I should be the bigger person.

116

It shouldn't be hard, given that Madeline's not technically a person.

117

For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain...

118

Raymond Holt.

119

Raymond.

120

Madeleine.

121

You won.

122

Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

123

Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.

124

Oh.

125

Okay.

126

You're welcome.

127

Lunchtime is over.

128

Boom! Did it!

129

Ha-ha!

130

Had it both ways.

131

No regrets.

132

Attention, squad.

133

Here's where we stand vis-a-vis whether or not the precinct will be shut down.

134

The precinct will be shut down.

135

What?

136

But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight.

137

Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the 7-4 was getting shut down instead.

138

There's no way that's true.

139

Amy doesn't have a friend.

140

I do so.

141

Although I only see her at work events, and we only talk through email.

142

Oh, God, she's just a colleague.

143

Santiago's work acquaintance is correct.

144

Tonight at 7, the committee is choosing between us and the 7-4, although the 7-4 has a significant advantage.

145

They house an elite gang task force.

146

Well, this is on you, sir.

147

I begged you for a task force, but no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike Team Thunder, Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target.

148

You never told me what it was for.

149

It's a strike team that...

150

kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.

151

They're gonna spit us up and send us all the different precincts.

152

This is the last time I'm gonna stand up here and look at you guys.

153

He's got closer damn legs!

154

No!

155

This isn't over yet.

156

Sure, maybe we don't have Strike Team Thunder, Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target, but we're the Nine-Nine.

157

We have Rosa and Charles, Gina, Amy and Terry and Carl!

158

It's Mark.

159

Sorry, I was just trying to include someone from outside the inner circle.

160

There's an inner circle?

161

The point is we're not rolling over.

162

We're gonna solve a huge case before the hearing tonight.

163

And then the NYPD cannot shut us down.

164

So come on, Captain.

165

Give me something big and juicy.

166

What do you got?

167

A 10-year-old had his bike stolen.

168

We are est in the B.

169

Okay, we're all set up in there, Mr. Peralta?

170

Just, uh, sign here.

171

What's all set up?

172

What's going on?

173

Thank you for asking, Terrence.

174

You see, the food in prison was inedible.

175

All I thought about day and night were the things I wished I was eating.

176

And you, Amy.

177

I thought about you a lot.

178

Sex with you, just us doing sex with foreplay.

179

Great save, babe.

180

Thanks.

181

And so I decided to make my food fantasy come true.

182

Unbutton your pants and take off your shoes, because there's gonna be a doink load of sodium at Freedom Feast 2017.

183

We begin where all great stories begin, in the quaint little town of French Fry Village.

184

After that, we're gonna move our adventure over to Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists, you guessed it, of turkey burgers.

185

I'm kidding, it's cheeseburgers.

186

This is kind of just stuffing.

187

You can avoid that.

188

But it's attached to the Thanksgiving turkey theme, because I was thinking about that a lot up in the jail.

189

And finally, we have a big old Passover brisket, because you know I loves my mom.

190

If you would all take a seat while I make a toast.

191

Kindly raise your two liters. To freedom. To you.

192

And most importantly, to orange drink.

193

And Sex with Amy.

194

To Sex with Amy!

195

Sorry.

196

Shouldn't have said that last part.

197

Oh, this is amazing.

198

This is so amazing.

199

Everything about this is amazing.

200

What are you talking about?

201

A virus got on the server and sent all of us an email with everyone's search histories.

202

Check this out.

203

Sergeant Jeffords searched the internet for undiscovered muscle.

204

I was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before.

205

I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.

206

Listen to this.

207

Scully searched for how much fudge is in a calorie.

208

I never found the answer, but it's a good question.

209

Boyle looked up how to make desk yogurt.

210

Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results.

211

Although the jar is really hot.

212

That's gross.

213

And Amy searched for Daniel Craighands plus close-up.

214

Ugh.

215

You should talk.

216

You searched for cheapest date possible.

217

And I wear that search like a badge of honor.

218

So, ready for dinner?

219

Here we go.

220

Would you like something sweet or maybe savory?

221

Apple pie, and I'm stuck.

222

I'm stuck!

223

Careful.

224

I only get one shot at this brawler.

225

Don't worry.

226

I know what I'm doing.

227

I saw the first 15 minutes of the Hurt Locker.

228

Hurry.

229

The stench is too much.

230

We gotta get those shoes out of here.

231

How much time do we have?

232

Scully ate his pot pie 30 minutes ago, so we probably got 10 minutes left on this nap.

233

12 if he's turkey tired.

234

All right, count it up.

235

It's trapped.

236

Abort mission.

237

I have an idea.

238

Let's send these shoes to hell.

239

Oh, wait.

240

It just smells worse than before.

241

Abort!

242

Morning. Who were those for?

243

Captain Holt's uncle passed away.

244

They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

245

Interesting.

246

Flowers are a bold choice, Santiago.

247

But I can still beat you.

248

Beat me at expressing condolences.

249

Yep, it's on.

250

Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts.

251

I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here.

252

Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss.

253

Group sentiment.

254

Very meaningful.

255

Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

256

Selfless act.

257

Very respectful.

258

Correct.

259

I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!

260

Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

261

Personal.

262

It's a personal matter involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

263

So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

264

I don't know.

265

Hey, Captain.

266

I just sent you an e-mail.

267

Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss.

268

Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

269

Sent from my stinky butt.

270

I was hacked?

271

Thank you for the e-mail.

272

It means a lot to me.

273

You're very welcome.

274

I was addressing your stinky butt.

275

No!

276

No, no, no!

277

You can't take her from me, you bastard!

278

Don't do this, Scully.

279

You have to be strong over her right now.

280

What's going on?

281

Eunice being replaced.

282

Come on!

283

That machine's been here forever.

284

It's basically part of the force.

285

Take Scully instead.

286

Yes, please.

287

Take me to the land of any machines.

288

Can we at least have five minutes to say a proper goodbye?

289

Whatever.

290

Let me just start by saying that this machine is the best restaurant in Brooklyn, and it always had a table for me.

291

I knew just where to punch it to get free food.

292

Now I have to go back to punching Hitchcock.

293

Look, she still has the bags of baby carrots I requested they put in.

294

They're black now, but they're there.

295

Goodbye, beautiful machine.

296

Thank you for your service.

297

Okay.

298

Squad salute.

299

You can take her away now.

300

Well, I think we handled that with dignity.

301

Free candy!

302

Oh, ho, ho!

303

Merry Christmas!

304

Whoa, thank you, good sir.

305

The elves will not starve this night.

306

Any sign of our bogey?

307

Negative.

308

Are you sure our guy's in the show?

309

My C.I said he walked this route exactly the last three days.

310

Fine, but in ten minutes we're calling this.

311

I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.

312

Of course we have to bag a major giggle pig flair soon or they're gonna shut us down.

313

Oh ho ho and a bottle of rum!

314

Presents!

315

God you're bad at being Santa.

316

Jake holy crap nine o'clock.

317

The Pontiac Bandit, aka Doug Judy.

318

Okay Santa stay calm just like we practiced.

319

Merry Judy Mr. Doug Judy Christmas.

320

Dammit!

321

Carousel?

322

No!

323

I'll give ring a talk!

324

Ah!

325

Greasy!

326

NYPD, stop where you are!

327

Come on, Santa, why are you so fast?

328

NYPD, clear out.

329

Where are you?

330

Ah!

331

Ah!

332

Gotcha!

333

Doug, Judy, you're under arrest.

334

Put your hands in the air.

335

Hey, Rosa.

336

Merry Christmas, girl.

337

Shut up.

338

Take a good look, kids.

339

This is what happens when you're naughty!

340

So, that's 20 cargo ships in the last three months.

341

Whoever's behind this smuggling ring knows their way around the docks, so we're going undercover as longshoremen.

342

I will be Von Tom Tucker, a gruff, spitting, punch-you-in-the-guts sailor man who's taking a little break on dry land, but just until my girlfriend, Cangela, gets out of lady jail...

343

Did you just spit in my trash can?

344

No, Vaughn did.

345

There's some tobacco in there, too.

346

Vaughn chews it, but it makes Jake super dizzy.

347

And I'm Twink Tucker.

348

You cannot choose your own name anymore.

349

I got a job at the docks to support my drug habit, but I kept it because I love the seagulls.

350

What, are you Irish now?

351

No. Well, we better get going, Captain.

352

Don't want to be late for our shift down to the docks.

353

Good news.

354

The leader of the cargo smoking ring turned himself in at the 8-3.

355

The mafia was closing in on him.

356

Oh.

357

Oh, that's great.

358

That's good news.

359

Yeah.

360

Case closed.

361

I guess we'll just return these outfits.

362

Great.

363

Take this back.

364

You have ten minutes.

365

Coffee.

366

Extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.

367

It gets cold on them ducks.

368

I want a gray tea for me.

369

Twink, Tucker.

370

Nope, you ruined it.

371

Come on, come on, Captain.

372

Pick up.

373

Your friend Bob is secretly working for Jimmy the Butcher Figgis.

374

This is a call you're gonna want to take.

375

Bob must have done something to him.

376

Or maybe they're talking about something super boring, like potatoes or beans.

377

White rice, brown rice.

378

Those are just some of the rices I love.

379

Also basmati.

380

Now, that's all of them now.

381

I should have known Agent Whelan was dirty.

382

There were signs.

383

He wore a bee-neck once.

384

Mom, you did nothing.

385

That's my greatest regret.

386

Well, at least he's still alive.

387

When he comes out of the coma, we'll get him to talk.

388

Do you mind getting us some food?

389

I can't fathom eating these candies that Peralta bought us.

390

Chocolate is the devil's carob.

391

And carob is Satan's raisin.

392

I'll go down to the cafeteria, see if I can't scare up some untoasted bread.

393

Yeah.

394

Oh, Raymond.

395

I forgot my wallet and my...

396

Bob, you've killed him.

397

And now I'm going to have to kill you.

398

I've never been more shocked.

399

Thank you, Margaret.

400

You're welcome, Raymond.

401

Sham is Murphy.

402

That's right.

403

Remember how I saved the detectives from prison in exchange for a favor?

404

The time has come...

405

Wait, this is in my order.

406

This isn't my order.

407

What?

408

This is an omelet.

409

I don't eat omelets on vacation.

410

Yeah, I don't care what you eat.

411

I'm here to call in the favor that you owe me.

412

Billy, what if I say no?

413

This is you asking me for in-town promising to pay me back.

414

How do you think this would look to your bosses, especially now that you're up for the commission a job?

415

Yeah, I know everything.

416

So, what do you want from me?

417

A permit to throw a block party?

418

We don't even have to break the law.

419

This is fantastic news.

420

I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit.

421

He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal, a robbery, a murder, or something worse.

422

You don't know that for sure.

423

And that's your loophole.

424

I don't believe in loopholes.

425

What?

426

Loopholes are the best.

427

Remember that time when Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit?

428

I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99.

429

All I had to do was sleep there and never shower.

430

What?

431

Thanks for the invite, friend.

432

I will not be using a loophole, Peralta.

433

As always, I'll be using the main hole or no hole.

434

I choose no hole.

435

You just said whole way too much, sir.

436

And that's coming from Charles.

437

Yes, that's concerning.

438

Oh, you think you know someone, Jake?

439

Unbelievable!

440

All right, gang.

441

Diet day four.

442

How's everyone holding up?

443

Honestly, I'm going to last forever.

444

You hear that, bitches?

445

I'm gonna last forever.

446

I'm doing great.

447

This morning, the homeless guy on my stoop said my skin looked dope.

448

What's going on?

449

Why do you all have matching bags?

450

We're doing a diet together.

451

My wife found it.

452

She heard about it at Mommy and Me graphic design.

453

Wait, it might have been Tyler Karate.

454

She takes our little ladies to so many classes, I can't keep it straight.

455

Childhood is truly a time of wonder.

456

This diet is very scientific, sir.

457

All the meals are pre-planned and delivered to your doorstep.

458

This is our breakfast.

459

An orange wedge, three cashew nuts, and a solitary grape.

460

It's actually more than you realize.

461

Sometimes I can't even finish all the grape.

462

Well, this seems unnecessary to me.

463

You're all in perfect shape.

464

You can always be healthier, sir.

465

And I like the challenge.

466

Plus, it's good team building.

467

We're gonna get through this together.

468

Hey, guys, pro tip.

469

Lick the baggie.

470

There's food molecules in there.

471

Oh, that's so smart.

472

Oh.

473

Hey, Cap'n, got a second?

474

It's Captain.

475

What did I say?

476

Cap'n, like Cap'n Crunch.

477

All right, but to be fair, Cap'n Crunch was a war hero and the primary male role model in my house growing up, so... So...

478

Anyways, cap 10.

479

You know that jewelry store robbery down by Grand Army Plaza?

480

I know who did it.

481

Dustin Whitman.

482

I put him in Rikers two years ago.

483

He just got out, and the crime scene matches his MO perfectly.

484

Okay, what do we got?

485

Security cam shows male suspect, 5'9".

486

Wearing a black ski mask.

487

He bypassed McConnell alarm by using the magnetic kill switch.

488

And he only stole diamonds.

489

Nothing over two carats.

490

Yeah, exactly.

491

How'd you know?

492

I'm a detective.

493

That's what I do.

494

I'm just kidding.

495

I need a lot more information, but that would have been a great exit line, right?

496

Crime texts aren't done yet, but I'm 100% sure it's Whitman.

497

Well, let's see what kind of physical evidence they turn up and then we can talk arrest.

498

Actually, hilarious story.

499

So that is Dustin Whitman.

500

You already arrested him with insufficient evidence.

501

By law, we have 48 hours to find that evidence and we have to let him go.

502

You just start the clock.

503

What's up with this emergency meeting?

504

Whoa, Detective Santiago.

505

Big date tonight.

506

How do I look?

507

Well, I think you look.

508

Sorry, that was supposed to be a cat call.

509

I don't know how this works.

510

Hey, is this why you were getting makeup tips from the prostitute in the holding cell?

511

I just wanted to know how she got such smoky eyes.

512

Turns out it was an STD rash.

513

Detective Peralta's made a collar in the jewelry store heist.

514

Way to go, Jakey.

515

That's okay.

516

That's okay.

517

No!

518

He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick.

519

So we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.

520

Aw, damn it.

521

What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?

522

Some pretty ironclad stuff.

523

Destin, it's been a while.

524

Mind if I ask you a few questions?

525

Well, well, well.

526

If it isn't joke or alter, that's it, you're under arrest!

527

Case closed?

528

If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens the department up to a lawsuit.

529

So cancel your plans.

530

We're here until this is over.

531

Damn it, Peralta.

532

Ow!

533

I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend. But?

534

That was it.

535

I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

536

Peralta, are you eating an Italian sub for breakfast?

537

I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies, so I got extra pepper-cini.

538

Smart.

539

Excuse me.

540

You need to watch yourself.

541

I'm sorry?

542

Cop?

543

All right, let's everybody just stay calm here.

544

Oh, what?

545

Are you gonna arrest me for dancing?

546

You call that dancing?

547

Ooh!

548

This is dancing.

549

What is happening?

550

I'm diffusing the situation.

551

Dancing Captain, let's capture image of a lifeline!

552

Why is my phone always dead?

553

I paid $13 for it!

554

Don't worry, Charlie.

555

I got it.

556

Oh, my hands are covered in butter from making butter.

557

I'm on it. Must record. Must record.

558

Hammer on.

559

All right, here we go.

560

Dancing over.

561

Situation diffused.

562

No!

563

So I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint.

564

King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

565

Isn't that the plot and tagline of...

566

The movie Training Day?

567

Yes.

568

Great observation tank.

569

It's because it's based on my life.

570

Lunch is over.

571

Bust your trays.

572

Now, Peralta.

573

I haven't finished my lemon cookie bowl.

574

And you're not gonna get to either.

575

Give it to me.

576

Oh, you want the cookie?

577

There's your cookie.

578

You're going in the hole.

579

Oh, I'm going in the hole?

580

Yeah.

581

Yeah, bring it on!

582

Jack!

583

Jack!

584

Jack!

585

Jack!

586

Jack!

587

Jack!

588

Jack!

589

Jack!

590

Jack!

591

Jack!

592

Jack!

593

I've been waiting in here for four minutes, and it's gross.

594

Man, it really is.

595

Okay, snitch time.

596

What's up with Romero?

597

All right, he's got a delivery coming in on Wednesday night.

598

One of the cafeteria workers is smuggling something in with the produce.

599

Ha-ha, great.

600

See you Thursday.

601

Wait, what?

602

You're just gonna leave me in here in solitary?

603

You spit in a guard's face.

604

That's five days in the hole.

605

Yeah, but, I mean, you made me do that.

606

Well, we don't want anybody getting suspicious, huh? Have fun. Have fun.

607

Try not to go crazy.

608

Okay, no big deal.

609

Five days is nothing.

610

I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

611

My thoughts are awesome.

612

Die hard sex on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me and I'm gonna die alone.

613

Oh, boy, that happened fast.

614

Guard!

615

Guard!

616

Good morning, everyone.

617

Oh.

618

My.

619

Goodness.

620

Sarge.

621

What. Are.

622

The.

623

Chances?

624

I say zero.

625

Oh, I mean, when Genevieve got me these suspenders, I thought I'd lean into it and go for the whole look, but I didn't want to step on your toes.

626

That being said, you know what this means.

627

Don't do this, Charles.

628

Oh, it's already done.

629

Gather around, y'all.

630

It's time to play Who Wore It Best.

631

I'd really rather not.

632

Because you're a little chicken?

633

Who wore it best?

634

Who wore it best?

635

Who wore it best?

636

Terry.

637

What?

638

Come on!

639

You should change, Boyle.

640

Not here!

641

This installation is composed of Constantine's accounts of the First Punic War.

642

In the year 263...

643

Ah, yes.

644

The First Pubic War.

645

The sexiest of all wars.

646

Hi, Dr. Albrin Einsteib.

647

I have an urgent question for you about ancient Greece.

648

Shall we walk?

649

Of course, Doctor...

650

I feel like you said Einstein?

651

Yes, that's correct.

652

It's a family name.

653

What is going on?

654

Captain Holtz, let me just follow my lead.

655

Your theory is wrong.

656

The Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan horse's butt.

657

Put this on.

658

A rose-shearing head at work?

659

People will think I'm demented.

660

Just put it on.

661

Kevin?

662

Doctor Einstein?

663

No, Professor McGonagall.

664

Why is Bloor dressed as me?

665

Shh!

666

Get in.

667

Get in!

668

Professor?

669

Judith?

670

Hello, Kevin.

671

It's me, Raymond Holt.

672

We need to get you to safety.

673

Your life is in danger.

674

Dowel, dowel!

675

Tommy, down!

676

Tommy, down!

677

Tommy, down!

678

Tommy, down!

679

Tommy!

680

Tommy!

681

Tommy!

682

Gobbler's back and he wants to hear what you turkeys are thankful for.

683

Charles, you gotta stop.

684

No!

685

I don't gobble understand people. But Charles...

686

Gobble!

687

Dude, gobble!

688

Gobble, gobble, your tail feather is caught in a gobble door.

689

Thank you, gobble.

690

Wait, what?

691

Oh, God!

692

Oh.

693

I think your feathers are ripping.

694

Gobble.

695

Gobble.

696

Hello?

697

I followed all your rules.

698

I'm unarmed.

699

I'm not wearing a wire.

700

I came alone.

701

There's no backup.

702

Come on, man.

703

I need your help to take down your brother.

704

Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit.

705

Hey, baby.

706

Nice legs.

707

Why are you in your boxes?

708

So you would know I'm not wearing a wire.

709

Your buddy Scott said I had to.

710

Ah, that makes sense.

711

Scott's a perv.

712

Hey, Scott, wherever you watchin' from, go home.

713

Sorry, man.

714

So what's so important?

715

I'm looking for your foster brother, George.

716

I hate the guy.

717

Stole from my mom, burned our house down.

718

Worst of all, he ran off on my LP of Phil Collins' No Jacket Required.

719

It's my favorite album.

720

Haven't heard it in 20 years.

721

I mean, can't you just stream it?

722

Can't do that to Phil.

723

Susudio demands vinyl.

724

Right, vinyl and whatnot.

725

Okay, well, George is a murderer now, and he just escaped from prison.

726

We think he might be trying to flee the country.

727

You want me to help you catch him?

728

Like when X-Men teamed up with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.

729

I heard that one was bad.

730

Wasn't great.

731

I still want to see it, though.

732

I'll watch it again.

733

So does that mean you're in?

734

Of course I am.

735

Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once.

736

Cop and criminal working together?

737

We need a theme song.

738

Oh.

739

The Pontiac Bandit and Jenga cops.

740

Oh.

741

Taking down crooks in the streets where they live.

742

Floating with girls who are hot for the bash.

743

There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

744

OK, great.

745

I'll see you tomorrow.

746

Thanks, doctor.

747

Have a good one.

748

Hey there, Sarge.

749

Not deprived, but I couldn't help but overhear.

750

You going to the doctor?

751

Everything okay?

752

I'm getting a vasectomy.

753

My ears are burning.

754

Someone say a vasectomy?

755

I got snipped.

756

No big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

757

It's not supposed to.

758

Trunk to skunk?

759

Hold it up.

760

You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there?

761

You are blessed with a great power.

762

And you should never snip its wings.

763

You should let it soar.

764

Thanks, guys.

765

That's enough.

766

I don't need any more input.

767

Neither does your wife, I guess.

768

Look, you guys, if the sergeant wants to chop off his penis, that is his choice.

769

That's not what a vasectomy is.

770

If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives. And blanks.

771

Sorry.

772

I just never think of jokes.

773

Anybody else?

774

This is your last chance.

775

Oh, God, no need to be so testy.

776

Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

777

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spare minute record?

778

Now playing, Scrotal Recall.

779

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to start clapping, because I just made a major drug bust.

780

Talking about four kilos of cocaine, 200,000 cash, and.. my new partner, a tarantula.

781

I call him Jake Jr., a.k.a.

782

Spidey Klum, a.k.a.

783

Mrs. Doubt Spider, a.k.a.

784

Joe Spiden, AKA Tarantula Bassett, AKA Spidermot Mulroney.

785

AKA Tarantulina Jolie.

786

What?

787

No, Charles, have you seen the spider?

788

That's a terrible name.

789

Sorry.

790

Why do you have that thing?

791

Because they were gonna throw him away, but I couldn't let them do that to my furry little...

792

Oh, he's actually really scary up close.

793

It's horrifying from everywhere.

794

Terry hates creepy crawlers.

795

Seriously?

796

I'm not going to your apartment if that thing is there.

797

All right, fine.

798

Then he'll just live here and help me solve crimes.

799

Get used to him, everyone, because me and this spider are partners for life.

800

He's gone.

801

I left the cage unlocked and he's gone.

802

Somebody find him!

803

I'm good.

804

I'm out of here!

805

He couldn't have gone far, unless he can fly.

806

Can tarantulas fly?

807

Jake, you better find that spider.

808

And I'm not coming back here until you do!

809

Uh, Sarge, I think I found it.

810

Why are you looking at me like that?

811

It's on my head!

812

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history.

813

The auction for?

814

The suitcase of mystery.

815

Exactly, Jacob.

816

This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976.

817

No one alive today knows its contents.

818

I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off.

819

How long did you give me a spray tan?

820

Any shade you want.

821

Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity.

822

Who can top it?

823

Massage.

824

I'll give you a massage.

825

Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified.

826

Interesting approach.

827

Orange Jake!

828

Going once!

829

Going twice!

830

I'll show you a picture of me in high school.

831

There is side pony.

832

Ooh, Rosa coming in hot, Rosa coming in hot.

833

I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe.

834

I'll go on a date with you.

835

Sold! To Jake.

836

Not to Schooley, that really freaked me out, and I just want this to end now.

837

Woo! So there's this suitcase.

838

I don't care.

839

Yeah!

840

Captions by Red Bee Media

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FOR YOU

Сценарий: Юмор в повседневной жизни

Диалог из видео показывает обычную, но невероятно смешную ситуацию в жизни героев — на примере Хэллоуина, разговоров о пиве и споре за парковку для фуд-трака. Такие моменты отлично иллюстрируют, как английский язык используется в неформальных обстановках: с сарказмом, шутками и неожиданными репликами. Это отличная возможность научиться понимать живую речь и её тонкости.

Полезные фразы и сочетания

"has zero business being this funny" — выражение, которое переводится как "абсолютно не должно быть столь смешным", но звучит гораздо более естественно в разговорной речи.
"grab a beer" — простой и частый способ сказать "попить пивка" (например, "Хочешь пойти попить пивка?").
"neck and neck" — означает "ровно", "на равных" (о соревновании: "Мы идём ровно с рисовым пудингом").
"ruin our entire plan" — " испортить весь наш план" — универсальное сочетание для описания критической ситуации.

Твой вызов: shadow speech

Для улучшения произношения и интонации попробуй упражнение shadowing (тень). Выбери фрагмент диалога (например, разговор о фуд-траке) и повторяй его за героями, пытаясь копировать их темп, тон и ударения. Используй shadowing site или простой аудиоплеер — главное, делать это активно, не останавливаясь. Такая практика поможет развить чувство ритма и естественности речи. А если хочешь усложнить, попробуй "shadowspeak" с закрытыми глазами — так ты сконцентрируешься только на звуках.

Не забывай: shadow speak — это не о точности, а о привычке мыслить на английском. Начни с коротких реплик, и скоро ты увидишь прогресс!

Грамматика в этом видео

Конструкции, которые говорящий использует чаще всего, с точными словами из видео:

Конструкция	В видео
Present Perfect Continuous have/has been + -ing — действие началось раньше и продолжается	I've been planning · I've been waiting
Present Perfect have/has + причастие прошедшего времени — прошлое действие, важное сейчас	machine's been · you've killed · I've never been
Пассивный залог be + причастие прошедшего времени — важно, что происходит, а не кто это делает	will be shut · was hacked · being replaced

Что такое техника Shadowing?

Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.

Техника шедоуинга: читать полное пошаговое руководство →

Практика Shadowing: Brooklyn 99 moments that has ZERO business being this funny - Изучайте разговорный английский по видео

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Сценарий: Юмор в повседневной жизни

Полезные фразы и сочетания

Твой вызов: shadow speech

Грамматика в этом видео

Что такое техника Shadowing?