Shadowing-Übung: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Englisch Sprechen Lernen mit Video

Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation for so long that when it finally happened, everything just exploded over something ridiculously small?

Or have you ever told yourself, you know what, enough's enough.

I'm going to be completely honest from here on in, only to make the situation worse because you were too damn honest.

Or has someone ever said to you, I'm fine, but you knew it meant the opposite.

I used to find myself in all three of these situations, but after reading Crucial Conversations, I finally understood why this kept happening,

why I was stuck in situations where there'd be so much miscommunication.

And in this video, I want to share with you the top three lessons from this book

that changed how I approach difficult conversations.

So I could speak up before resentment started to build up.

So I could be honest without making people sad, angry, or shut down.

And to finally hear what people were actually trying to say.

My name's Vin, and for more than a decade, I've taught millions of people how to be better communicators.

And this year, I became an author!

So to celebrate, I'm sharing the biggest lessons

that I've learned from communication books that have helped shape the person that I've become.

And before I get into what this particular book taught me, you need to understand how badly I used to handle conflict.

My natural approach to conflict was to say nothing and to avoid completely.

I convinced myself that it wasn't worth bringing up.

Then I would resent the person for failing to solve the problem I never told them existed.

It was a flawless system.

And that avoidance damaged so many of my relationships that I had.

And many of them had the potential to be amazing.

Because the problem doesn't disappear when you avoid the conversation.

It just starts to go underground where you can't see it.

It starts to build.

It starts to simmer.

A little frustration here, a small bit of disappointment there.

Until eventually somebody explodes because a cup was left on the wrong bench and you didn't use a coaster.

Which makes you think in the moment, what the hell?

All of this happened because of a damn cup and no coaster?

It was never about the cup nor the coaster.

The cup and the coaster was the final straw that broke the donkey's back.

So then instead of avoiding these conversation, I then overcorrected.

I thought, you know what?

Enough avoiding.

From now on, I'm going to be 100% honest.

And that didn't work either.

I went from saying nothing to saying everything with force.

And then the people around me became defensive, they became emotional, and sometimes I'd even shut down.

You bottle things up and then the relationships explode.

You share what you think and then relationships explode.

What the hell?

And crucial conversations finally started to help me understand what I was missing.

Lesson number one, watch for the moment safety collapses.

The authors in the book explain that skilled communicators, they have dual processes.

They're paying attention to the content of the conversation, what we're talking about, but they're also paying attention to the conditions of the conversation.

Does this still feel safe enough for us to talk about?

Because the moment safety starts to disappear, people generally move towards one of two things.

They either move towards silence or they move towards violence.

Silence doesn't always mean saying nothing.

It can look like avoiding, changing the subject, sarcasm, or just agreeing with you while they're internally planning to ignore everything you've just said.

And violence doesn't always mean physical violence either.

It can sound like raising your voice, interrupting you, or using absolutes like, you're always doing this, you never listen.

And once that safety collapses, people stop hearing what you're saying.

They don't hear your message clearly anymore.

Even something harmless can sound like an attack.

The skill is learning to notice the moment the conversation starts to change.

And for me, I can often hear it before I can see it.

The voice gets louder, the words become sharper.

Then I see it in their faces.

The tension around their eyes and the body pulling away.

But the change doesn't always move towards anger.

Sometimes it moves in the complete opposite direction.

And one of the saddest ways I learned about this was with my mum.

My mum often says she's fine.

And for years, I only listened to the words, are you okay, mum?

I'm fine.

Great, mum's fine.

Moving on.

I wasn't hearing the pause before she answered.

I didn't hear the exhaustion that was in her voice and the worry that was in her eyes.

There were so many moments in her life where she was dealing with health problems

and she went through so many of them alone

because I just listened to the sentence and the words and completely missed everything surrounding it.

As I started to become more aware of voice, emotion, body language, word choice, I started to notice so much more.

When she says, I'm fine, I now can recognize that didn't sound fine.

So instead of just moving on, I'd stay with her.

I'd ask her another question.

I'd say, hey, mom, you don't sound like yourself.

Are you sure you're doing okay?

And then I'd create space.

I don't jump in.

I don't rush to tell her what to do, that she needs to go to the doctors, that I hear how you're going to solve it.

I don't do any of that.

I just create that space for her.

And then eventually she told me.

Can you see from that example how a crucial conversation isn't just the dramatic argument between two people screaming at each other?

Sometimes it's a moment when someone almost tells you the truth.

And whether they continue or not depends on whether you notice or not.

The most important part of what somebody is saying is often the part they're struggling to say.

And this is something I teach in my own book, Before We Forget How to Connect, which is available for pre-order now.

So if you want to support me and you want to get a copy of the book, make sure you go and pre-order yourself a copy.

You know, one of the core sections of this book is dedicated to listening.

Yeah, it's a skill.

People aren't just born with that ability.

Listening isn't only just hearing somebody's words, it's listening for the change in their voice, listening to the way they use their voice.

Maybe it's the pauses, maybe it's the melody shifts, maybe it's the words that don't quite match everything else that they're showing.

I teach this and so many more lessons that I've learned over the last 15 years as a communication skills coach.

And if you pre-order the book today, you'll receive an exclusive pre-order bonus this month where you'll get

100

a free ticket to join me live for my three-day event

101

could break the mold that's happening in August where you'll learn what communication habits are holding you back.

102

We'll practice these new behaviors together online so click the link in the description

103

if you want to pre-order a copy and get the bonus or you can scan the QR code that's on screen.

104

Okay now on to lesson number two from Crucial Conversations.

105

One of my favorite lines from Crucial Conversations is this, at the moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.

106

Which sounds beautiful until somebody cuts you off in traffic.

107

I remember once driving, somebody flew past me incredibly fast out of nowhere and I was furious.

108

I got so upset.

109

I was angry.

110

I was pissed off.

111

What an idiot.

112

What kind of selfish person drives like that?

113

You could have killed somebody.

114

And then guess what happens?

115

We both end up at the traffic light together, which is always so satisfying because as you're rolling up, you can start to turn to the side and you give them

116

that evil instinct eye and you wish you could say to them, and congratulations, all that aggressive driving and you've just arrived three meters ahead of me.

117

And as I'm about to give this person the stare, and you know the stare I'm talking about, the intentional expression for, I strongly disapprove of the way you operated your motor vehicle.

118

But when I looked into the car, I saw a young lady crying.

119

She was bawling her eyes out.

120

And I don't have the full story about what was happening, but then in my head, everything changed when I saw a young lady crying.

121

She was bawling her eyes out

122

and I don't have the full story about what was happening

123

but then in my head everything changed when I saw the emotion that was on her face.

124

Maybe something terrible had happened.

125

Maybe she's rushing to the hospital to see a parent, to see a family member.

126

But that one extra piece of context that I got from seeing her emotions, it took the anger straight out of me.

127

Moments earlier I built this entire story about this person, how awful they were, selfish they were, how reckless they are as a human being.

128

And then suddenly, the moment I saw the emotions, I now saw another possibility.

129

This is one of the questions the authors encourage you and me to ask.

130

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person behave this way?

131

Look, the reality is some people are dickheads.

132

But this question at least forces you to consider that there may be more information that you don't have.

133

And when somebody becomes quiet or they become emotional.

134

The book gives us a framework called AMPP, which stands for ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime.

135

Ask means inviting them to share.

136

Hey, what's going on?

137

Can you help me understand what happened?

138

Mirror means pointing out their words and emotions that don't really seem to match each other.

139

Hey, you're saying you're fine, but your voice doesn't sound fine.

140

Paraphrasing means restating what you've heard like this.

141

Hey, it sounds like you felt like you were left out of the decision.

142

And I'll admit this, I used to feel really uncomfortable about paraphrasing because I thought, what am I, a therapist?

143

But paraphrasing isn't just merely parroting or you trying to be a therapist.

144

You're now checking in whether or not you understood the meaning behind what they were saying.

145

And prime, this is for when they still won't open up.

146

So you just softly offer a possible explanation.

147

Are you upset that I made this decision without considering you? you're giving them something that they can confirm, reject, or correct.

148

The goal of AMPP isn't to interrogate somebody until they confess.

149

It's to make it safer for them to show you the parts of the story

150

that you actually haven't been exposed to yet.

151

Because when someone joins a conversation angry or defensive, you're often entering their story halfway through.

152

You don't have enough context.

153

You didn't see the moment they felt excluded, or the promise they thought you broke.

154

In other words, you've entered the movie 40 minutes in, and now you're angry and upset because the plot makes no sense,

155

curiosity in this moment helps you slow down, rewind the damn movie, and catch up on what's actually happening.

156

And finally, lesson three.

157

Start with the facts, not the story that you've invented in your own darn head.

158

Human beings are extraordinary storytellers.

159

Give us three facts and we'll create a six-part Netflix series.

160

One of my family members sometimes takes a really long time to reply to my messages.

161

And then this is what happens.

162

My brain doesn't think to itself, oh, they haven't replied yet.

163

They must be busy.

164

No, my brain thinks, oh, they don't care about this relationship.

165

I always make the effort with them.

166

They never make the effort.

167

I reckon they hate me now.

168

And now I'm emotionally reacting to a story that I wrote, directed and produced without ever speaking to the other character who happens to be the main character.

169

The facts were simple.

170

I sent some messages.

171

It's been 24 hours.

172

They haven't replied.

173

That's it.

174

Everything else was an interpretation.

175

Later, I discovered they were dealing with life, their kids, appointments, stress, things that I didn't even know about.

176

This book gives us another framework called STATE, S-T-A-T-E.

177

Share your facts, tell your story, ask for their path, talk tentatively, encourage testing.

178

In practice, it might sound like this.

179

Hey, I've sent a few messages over the last couple of weeks and I haven't heard back.

180

That's the fact.

181

Then I started wondering whether everything's okay or whether maybe I've done something wrong or something to upset you.

182

That's the story I've built from those facts.

183

But notice I'm presenting it as a possibility, not as a verdict, not as a conclusion.

184

Then I ask, am I reading that wrong?

185

What's been happening on your end.

186

Now I'm inviting their perspective and giving them permission to correct me.

187

Compare that with you clearly don't care about me.

188

You don't give a shit about this relationship anymore.

189

Can you see how there are two paths here?

190

Two options for you to take.

191

One where you fill it with curiosity and it leads to more understanding.

192

And then the other path you make all these false assumptions, create a story in your head and then it leads to the destruction of a relationship.

193

Let me share with you another example.

194

Early in my marriage whenever my wife Pei Wen was upset with me, I always would make false assumptions in my own mind and assume that it was because of me, because I've done something wrong.

195

And I'll do that immediately.

196

And I'd take responsibility for something I didn't even create.

197

But as we've learned to communicate better with the help of the frameworks from this wonderful book here, I've started to realize that the problem isn't always me.

198

It isn't always me.

199

Sometimes it's the bloody kids.

200

Around 30% of the time, it is still me.

201

That's fine.

202

But 70% of the time, the kids are who have frustrated her.

203

It actually wasn't me.

204

The point is, as human beings, we're really good at taking the dots and connecting them and creating our own versions of what we think happened.

205

The most important part of this lesson is that even if you have done that and you have connected the dots, remember it's still a series of assumptions that you've made.

206

So be curious enough to always check in with the other person to see if you got it right.

207

When I was younger, I thought crucial conversations were won by the person with the strongest argument.

208

Then I swung the other way and I avoided them completely.

209

Crucial Conversations has taught me there's a better way.

210

Truth without safety can feel like an attack, but safety without truth, well it kind of becomes avoidance.

211

Ha, the joys of adulting, hey?

212

The real skill here is creating enough safety for honesty and curiosity to exist at the same time in the same conversation.

213

To notice when the conditions have changed, and that's a skill in itself.

214

To be curious before you become furious, I love that lesson from the book.

215

And to separate the story that you've told yourself from what actually happened

216

because the goal here is not to win the conversation it's

217

to make the conversation feel safe enough for you both or for both parties to be truthful with each other.

218

Crucial Conversations gave me a framework for discussions

219

that I used to run away from and I now can firmly say

220

that many of my relationships have flourished as a result of reading this wonderful book.

221

So to the authors Joseph, Kerry, Ron, Al, Emily you're all legends Thank you so much for coming together and distilling your wisdom.

222

So go ahead, make sure you get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations.

223

And if you want to go deeper in my work, get your copy of Before We Forget How to Connect, where I go into voice, body language, storytelling, and listening.

224

It's available for pre-order now.

225

The link is in the description below.

226

Or you can scan the QR code to get the pre-order bonus, which gives you a free ticket to join me for my three-day live event called Break the Mold.

227

That's happening in August.

228

That's coming up really soon.

229

And if you missed the last video where I reviewed Dale Carnegie's book, click the video you see here.

230

That's where I'm going to share with you the top three lessons that I took from the classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

231

I'll see you in the next one, alright?

232

Take care.

233

Bye.

📺 Gleicher Kanal

1,185

✨ Empfohlenes Video

133 Sätze

The five hard conversations: preventing divorce

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

361 Sätze

Thói quen thay đổi vận mệnh của bạn | Sách Atomic Habits - James Clear

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

107 Sätze

Be Direct in English. If You Worry You Sound Rude, Watch This.

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

319 Sätze

How to ACTUALLY Let Them?

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Students (Part 6) 💯

2,578

11 Sätze

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Students (Part 6) 💯

Business EnglishDaily ConversationHigh School Students

113 Sätze

How to Finish Speaking in English Without an Awkward Silence

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

380 Sätze

2680 - Conversation Coaching Part: Need to Pivot?

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

235 Sätze

How To Start A Conversation

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

224 Sätze

【聞き方を変えると人生が変わる】Vol.1 人は聞き方が9割永松茂久

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

348 Sätze

How to Communicate So People Actually Listen

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

101 Sätze

the conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about

Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students

Wortschatz und Sprechhinweise zu dieser Lektion

Dieses Video enthält 233 Sätze und 2855 Wörter zum Nachsprechen. Der gesprochene Teil dauert 14:06. Der Sprecher spricht schnell, etwa 203 Wörter pro Minute – rechne mit verbundenen und verkürzten Lauten. 84 % der Wörter gehören zu den 3.000 häufigsten im Englischen; den Rest solltest du dir vor dem Üben ansehen.

Wichtiger Wortschatz in diesem Video

15 weniger häufige Wörter aus dem Video, mit Aussprache und Bedeutung:

lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (Substantiv) — Lehrstunde, Stunde. A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/ (Adjektiv) — entscheidend, kritisch. Essential or decisive for determining the outcome or future of something; extremely important; vital.
skill /skɪl/ (Substantiv) — Fähigkeit, Fertigkeit. A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate.
emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ (Substantiv) — Gefühl, Empfindung f Emotion. A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.
framework /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/ (Substantiv) — Rahmen, Gerüst. A support structure comprising joined parts or conglomerated particles and intervening open spaces of similar or larger size.
explode /ɪkˈsploʊd/ (Verb) — explodieren, platzen. To fly apart with sudden violent force; to blow up, to burst, to detonate, to go off.
bonus /ˈbəʊ.nəs/ (Substantiv) — Bonus, Dreingabe. Something extra that is good; an added benefit.
curious /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ (Adjektiv) — neugierig. Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying.
assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/ (Substantiv) — Übernahme, Annahme. The act of assuming, or taking to or upon oneself; the act of taking up or adopting.
furious /ˈfjʊəɹi.əs/ (Adjektiv) — wütend, erbost. Feeling great anger; raging; violent.
curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/ (Substantiv) — Neugier, Neugierde. Inquisitiveness; the tendency to ask and learn about things by asking questions, investigating, or exploring.
rush /ɹʌʃ/ (Verb) — hetzen, sich beeilen. To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully.
mirror /ˈmiɹɚ/ (Substantiv) — Spiegel. A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it.
silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ (Substantiv) — Stille, Schweigen. The absence of any sound.
encourage /ɪnˈkʌɹ.ɪd͡ʒ/ (Verb) — ermutigen, ermuntern. To mentally support; to motivate, give courage, hope or spirit.

Phrasal Verbs, die du hören wirst

deal with (Verb) — behandeln. To handle verbally or in some form of artistic expression; to address or discuss as a subject.
shut down (Verb) — herunterfahren. To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily.
bring up (Verb) — erwähnen, mit etwas kommen / ankommen. To mention.
build up (Verb) — sich ansammeln, sich türmen. To erect; to construct.
check in (Verb) — einchecken. To announce or record one's own arrival at a hotel, airport etc.
come together /ˈkʌm tʊˈɡɛðɚ/ (Verb) — zusammenkommen. To assemble; to congregate; to combine.
come up (Verb) — erscheinen. To emerge or become known, especially unexpectedly.
go ahead /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ (Verb) — vorausgehen. To proceed with; to begin.

Aussprache, auf die du achten solltest

Der Sprecher verwendet 106 Kurzformen und abgeschwächte Formen, zum Beispiel don't, I'm, you're. Sprich sie in der kurzen Form, so wie du sie hörst.

Die „th“-Laute: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, truthful /ˈtɹuːθ.f(ə)l/
Die Laute „sh“ und „zh“: crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
Lange Wörter – auf die Betonung achten: curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, extraordinary /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/

So übst du mit diesem Video

Höre dir das ganze Video einmal an, ohne zu sprechen, und notiere die Wörter, die du nicht kennst.
Beginne mit 0,75-facher Geschwindigkeit, sprich Satz für Satz nach und wechsle zur normalen Geschwindigkeit, sobald es leichtfällt.
Nimm dich auf und vergleiche mit dem Original; achte dabei auf Wörter wie lesson, crucial, skill.

Grammatik in diesem Video

Die Strukturen, die der Sprecher am häufigsten verwendet, mit den genauen Worten aus dem Video:

Struktur	Im Video
„Used to“ used to + Verb – eine frühere Gewohnheit oder ein Zustand, der nicht mehr gilt	used to find · used to handle · used to feel
Present Perfect have/has + Partizip Perfekt – eine vergangene Handlung, die jetzt noch wichtig ist	I've taught · I've learned · you've just said
Passiv be + Partizip Perfekt – wichtig ist, was geschieht, nicht wer es tut	was stuck · was left · is dedicated
Relativsätze who / which + Satz – eine Zusatzinformation über eine Person oder Sache	Connect, which is · together, which is

Was ist die Shadowing-Technik?

Shadowing ist eine wissenschaftlich fundierte Sprachlerntechnik, die ursprünglich für die professionelle Dolmetscherausbildung entwickelt und durch den Polyglotten Dr. Alexander Arguelles populär gemacht wurde. Die Methode ist einfach aber wirkungsvoll: Du hörst englisches Audio von Muttersprachlern und wiederholst es sofort laut — wie ein Schatten, der dem Sprecher mit nur 1–2 Sekunden Verzögerung folgt. Anders als passives Hören oder Grammatikübungen zwingt Shadowing dein Gehirn und deine Mundmuskulatur, gleichzeitig echte Sprachmuster zu verarbeiten und zu reproduzieren. Studien zeigen, dass es Aussprachegenauigkeit, Intonation, Rhythmus, verbundene Sprache, Hörverständnis und Sprechflüssigkeit signifikant verbessert — was es zu einer der effektivsten Methoden für die IELTS Speaking-Vorbereitung und reale englische Kommunikation macht.

Shadowing-Technik: die vollständige Schritt-für-Schritt-Anleitung lesen →

Shadowing-Übung: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Englisch Sprechen Lernen mit Video

When do you stop understanding? 🙊

How to Speak with MORE Clarity!

The 2 biggest benefits of PAUSING when you speak

7 POWERFUL Storytelling Secrets to Level Up Your Communication Skills

How to improve your articulation FAST

Top 5 Communication Skills Lessons

5 vocal exercises for a more powerful voice 😎

5 simple habits to be a better communicator

Look confident + sound confident = Feel confident

Doing This (Almost) GUARANTEES You Get Hired In A Job Interview!

Never answer questions quickly. Pause first.

How to Enter Conversations (Even If You Have Nothing To Say!)

How to Be Disgustingly Articulate And Well Spoken

You must PAUSE when you speak!

TOP 3 Tips To Improve Your Communication Skills!

STOP Saying Umm & Ahh

Give me 14 minutes and I'll help you think & speak faster

Why You're So Good At Being Shy...

You won't believe the difference hand gestures make... 🤯

Stop doing video calls like this 👀

The five hard conversations: preventing divorce

Thói quen thay đổi vận mệnh của bạn | Sách Atomic Habits - James Clear

Be Direct in English. If You Worry You Sound Rude, Watch This.

How to ACTUALLY Let Them?

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Students (Part 6) 💯

How to Finish Speaking in English Without an Awkward Silence

2680 - Conversation Coaching Part: Need to Pivot?

How To Start A Conversation

【聞き方を変えると人生が変わる】Vol.1 人は聞き方が9割 永松茂久

How to Communicate So People Actually Listen

the conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about

Wortschatz und Sprechhinweise zu dieser Lektion

Wichtiger Wortschatz in diesem Video

Phrasal Verbs, die du hören wirst

Aussprache, auf die du achten solltest

So übst du mit diesem Video

Grammatik in diesem Video

Was ist die Shadowing-Technik?

【聞き方を変えると人生が変わる】Vol.1 人は聞き方が9割永松茂久