Практика Shadowing: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Изучайте разговорный английский по видео
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Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation for so long that when it finally happened, everything just exploded over something ridiculously small?
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Or have you ever told yourself, you know what, enough's enough.
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I'm going to be completely honest from here on in, only to make the situation worse because you were too damn honest.
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Or has someone ever said to you, I'm fine, but you knew it meant the opposite.
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I used to find myself in all three of these situations, but after reading Crucial Conversations, I finally understood why this kept happening,
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why I was stuck in situations where there'd be so much miscommunication.
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And in this video, I want to share with you the top three lessons from this book
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that changed how I approach difficult conversations.
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So I could speak up before resentment started to build up.
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So I could be honest without making people sad, angry, or shut down.
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And to finally hear what people were actually trying to say.
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My name's Vin, and for more than a decade, I've taught millions of people how to be better communicators.
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And this year, I became an author!
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So to celebrate, I'm sharing the biggest lessons
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that I've learned from communication books that have helped shape the person that I've become.
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And before I get into what this particular book taught me, you need to understand how badly I used to handle conflict.
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My natural approach to conflict was to say nothing and to avoid completely.
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I convinced myself that it wasn't worth bringing up.
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Then I would resent the person for failing to solve the problem I never told them existed.
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It was a flawless system.
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And that avoidance damaged so many of my relationships that I had.
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And many of them had the potential to be amazing.
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Because the problem doesn't disappear when you avoid the conversation.
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It just starts to go underground where you can't see it.
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It starts to build.
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It starts to simmer.
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A little frustration here, a small bit of disappointment there.
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Until eventually somebody explodes because a cup was left on the wrong bench and you didn't use a coaster.
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Which makes you think in the moment, what the hell?
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All of this happened because of a damn cup and no coaster?
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It was never about the cup nor the coaster.
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The cup and the coaster was the final straw that broke the donkey's back.
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So then instead of avoiding these conversation, I then overcorrected.
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I thought, you know what?
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Enough avoiding.
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From now on, I'm going to be 100% honest.
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And that didn't work either.
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I went from saying nothing to saying everything with force.
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And then the people around me became defensive, they became emotional, and sometimes I'd even shut down.
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You bottle things up and then the relationships explode.
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You share what you think and then relationships explode.
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What the hell?
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And crucial conversations finally started to help me understand what I was missing.
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Lesson number one, watch for the moment safety collapses.
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The authors in the book explain that skilled communicators, they have dual processes.
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They're paying attention to the content of the conversation, what we're talking about, but they're also paying attention to the conditions of the conversation.
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Does this still feel safe enough for us to talk about?
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Because the moment safety starts to disappear, people generally move towards one of two things.
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They either move towards silence or they move towards violence.
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Silence doesn't always mean saying nothing.
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It can look like avoiding, changing the subject, sarcasm, or just agreeing with you while they're internally planning to ignore everything you've just said.
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And violence doesn't always mean physical violence either.
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It can sound like raising your voice, interrupting you, or using absolutes like, you're always doing this, you never listen.
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And once that safety collapses, people stop hearing what you're saying.
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They don't hear your message clearly anymore.
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Even something harmless can sound like an attack.
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The skill is learning to notice the moment the conversation starts to change.
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And for me, I can often hear it before I can see it.
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The voice gets louder, the words become sharper.
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Then I see it in their faces.
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The tension around their eyes and the body pulling away.
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But the change doesn't always move towards anger.
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Sometimes it moves in the complete opposite direction.
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And one of the saddest ways I learned about this was with my mum.
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My mum often says she's fine.
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And for years, I only listened to the words, are you okay, mum?
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I'm fine.
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Great, mum's fine.
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Moving on.
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I wasn't hearing the pause before she answered.
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I didn't hear the exhaustion that was in her voice and the worry that was in her eyes.
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There were so many moments in her life where she was dealing with health problems
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and she went through so many of them alone
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because I just listened to the sentence and the words and completely missed everything surrounding it.
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As I started to become more aware of voice, emotion, body language, word choice, I started to notice so much more.
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When she says, I'm fine, I now can recognize that didn't sound fine.
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So instead of just moving on, I'd stay with her.
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I'd ask her another question.
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I'd say, hey, mom, you don't sound like yourself.
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Are you sure you're doing okay?
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And then I'd create space.
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I don't jump in.
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I don't rush to tell her what to do, that she needs to go to the doctors, that I hear how you're going to solve it.
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I don't do any of that.
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I just create that space for her.
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And then eventually she told me.
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Can you see from that example how a crucial conversation isn't just the dramatic argument between two people screaming at each other?
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Sometimes it's a moment when someone almost tells you the truth.
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And whether they continue or not depends on whether you notice or not.
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The most important part of what somebody is saying is often the part they're struggling to say.
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And this is something I teach in my own book, Before We Forget How to Connect, which is available for pre-order now.
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So if you want to support me and you want to get a copy of the book, make sure you go and pre-order yourself a copy.
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You know, one of the core sections of this book is dedicated to listening.
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Yeah, it's a skill.
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People aren't just born with that ability.
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Listening isn't only just hearing somebody's words, it's listening for the change in their voice, listening to the way they use their voice.
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Maybe it's the pauses, maybe it's the melody shifts, maybe it's the words that don't quite match everything else that they're showing.
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I teach this and so many more lessons that I've learned over the last 15 years as a communication skills coach.
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And if you pre-order the book today, you'll receive an exclusive pre-order bonus this month where you'll get
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a free ticket to join me live for my three-day event
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could break the mold that's happening in August where you'll learn what communication habits are holding you back.
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We'll practice these new behaviors together online so click the link in the description
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if you want to pre-order a copy and get the bonus or you can scan the QR code that's on screen.
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Okay now on to lesson number two from Crucial Conversations.
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One of my favorite lines from Crucial Conversations is this, at the moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.
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Which sounds beautiful until somebody cuts you off in traffic.
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I remember once driving, somebody flew past me incredibly fast out of nowhere and I was furious.
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I got so upset.
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I was angry.
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I was pissed off.
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What an idiot.
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What kind of selfish person drives like that?
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You could have killed somebody.
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And then guess what happens?
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We both end up at the traffic light together, which is always so satisfying because as you're rolling up, you can start to turn to the side and you give them
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that evil instinct eye and you wish you could say to them, and congratulations, all that aggressive driving and you've just arrived three meters ahead of me.
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And as I'm about to give this person the stare, and you know the stare I'm talking about, the intentional expression for, I strongly disapprove of the way you operated your motor vehicle.
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But when I looked into the car, I saw a young lady crying.
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She was bawling her eyes out.
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And I don't have the full story about what was happening, but then in my head, everything changed when I saw a young lady crying.
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She was bawling her eyes out
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and I don't have the full story about what was happening
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but then in my head everything changed when I saw the emotion that was on her face.
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Maybe something terrible had happened.
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Maybe she's rushing to the hospital to see a parent, to see a family member.
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But that one extra piece of context that I got from seeing her emotions, it took the anger straight out of me.
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Moments earlier I built this entire story about this person, how awful they were, selfish they were, how reckless they are as a human being.
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And then suddenly, the moment I saw the emotions, I now saw another possibility.
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This is one of the questions the authors encourage you and me to ask.
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Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person behave this way?
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Look, the reality is some people are dickheads.
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But this question at least forces you to consider that there may be more information that you don't have.
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And when somebody becomes quiet or they become emotional.
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The book gives us a framework called AMPP, which stands for ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime.
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Ask means inviting them to share.
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Hey, what's going on?
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Can you help me understand what happened?
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Mirror means pointing out their words and emotions that don't really seem to match each other.
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Hey, you're saying you're fine, but your voice doesn't sound fine.
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Paraphrasing means restating what you've heard like this.
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Hey, it sounds like you felt like you were left out of the decision.
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And I'll admit this, I used to feel really uncomfortable about paraphrasing because I thought, what am I, a therapist?
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But paraphrasing isn't just merely parroting or you trying to be a therapist.
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You're now checking in whether or not you understood the meaning behind what they were saying.
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And prime, this is for when they still won't open up.
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So you just softly offer a possible explanation.
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Are you upset that I made this decision without considering you? you're giving them something that they can confirm, reject, or correct.
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The goal of AMPP isn't to interrogate somebody until they confess.
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It's to make it safer for them to show you the parts of the story
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that you actually haven't been exposed to yet.
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Because when someone joins a conversation angry or defensive, you're often entering their story halfway through.
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You don't have enough context.
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You didn't see the moment they felt excluded, or the promise they thought you broke.
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In other words, you've entered the movie 40 minutes in, and now you're angry and upset because the plot makes no sense,
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curiosity in this moment helps you slow down, rewind the damn movie, and catch up on what's actually happening.
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And finally, lesson three.
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Start with the facts, not the story that you've invented in your own darn head.
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Human beings are extraordinary storytellers.
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Give us three facts and we'll create a six-part Netflix series.
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One of my family members sometimes takes a really long time to reply to my messages.
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And then this is what happens.
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My brain doesn't think to itself, oh, they haven't replied yet.
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They must be busy.
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No, my brain thinks, oh, they don't care about this relationship.
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I always make the effort with them.
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They never make the effort.
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I reckon they hate me now.
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And now I'm emotionally reacting to a story that I wrote, directed and produced without ever speaking to the other character who happens to be the main character.
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The facts were simple.
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I sent some messages.
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It's been 24 hours.
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They haven't replied.
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That's it.
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Everything else was an interpretation.
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Later, I discovered they were dealing with life, their kids, appointments, stress, things that I didn't even know about.
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This book gives us another framework called STATE, S-T-A-T-E.
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Share your facts, tell your story, ask for their path, talk tentatively, encourage testing.
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In practice, it might sound like this.
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Hey, I've sent a few messages over the last couple of weeks and I haven't heard back.
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That's the fact.
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Then I started wondering whether everything's okay or whether maybe I've done something wrong or something to upset you.
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That's the story I've built from those facts.
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But notice I'm presenting it as a possibility, not as a verdict, not as a conclusion.
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Then I ask, am I reading that wrong?
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What's been happening on your end.
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Now I'm inviting their perspective and giving them permission to correct me.
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Compare that with you clearly don't care about me.
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You don't give a shit about this relationship anymore.
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Can you see how there are two paths here?
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Two options for you to take.
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One where you fill it with curiosity and it leads to more understanding.
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And then the other path you make all these false assumptions, create a story in your head and then it leads to the destruction of a relationship.
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Let me share with you another example.
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Early in my marriage whenever my wife Pei Wen was upset with me, I always would make false assumptions in my own mind and assume that it was because of me, because I've done something wrong.
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And I'll do that immediately.
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And I'd take responsibility for something I didn't even create.
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But as we've learned to communicate better with the help of the frameworks from this wonderful book here, I've started to realize that the problem isn't always me.
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It isn't always me.
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Sometimes it's the bloody kids.
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Around 30% of the time, it is still me.
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That's fine.
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But 70% of the time, the kids are who have frustrated her.
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It actually wasn't me.
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The point is, as human beings, we're really good at taking the dots and connecting them and creating our own versions of what we think happened.
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The most important part of this lesson is that even if you have done that and you have connected the dots, remember it's still a series of assumptions that you've made.
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So be curious enough to always check in with the other person to see if you got it right.
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When I was younger, I thought crucial conversations were won by the person with the strongest argument.
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Then I swung the other way and I avoided them completely.
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Crucial Conversations has taught me there's a better way.
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Truth without safety can feel like an attack, but safety without truth, well it kind of becomes avoidance.
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Ha, the joys of adulting, hey?
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The real skill here is creating enough safety for honesty and curiosity to exist at the same time in the same conversation.
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To notice when the conditions have changed, and that's a skill in itself.
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To be curious before you become furious, I love that lesson from the book.
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And to separate the story that you've told yourself from what actually happened
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because the goal here is not to win the conversation it's
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to make the conversation feel safe enough for you both or for both parties to be truthful with each other.
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Crucial Conversations gave me a framework for discussions
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that I used to run away from and I now can firmly say
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that many of my relationships have flourished as a result of reading this wonderful book.
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So to the authors Joseph, Kerry, Ron, Al, Emily you're all legends Thank you so much for coming together and distilling your wisdom.
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So go ahead, make sure you get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations.
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And if you want to go deeper in my work, get your copy of Before We Forget How to Connect, where I go into voice, body language, storytelling, and listening.
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It's available for pre-order now.
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The link is in the description below.
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Or you can scan the QR code to get the pre-order bonus, which gives you a free ticket to join me for my three-day live event called Break the Mold.
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That's happening in August.
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That's coming up really soon.
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And if you missed the last video where I reviewed Dale Carnegie's book, click the video you see here.
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That's where I'm going to share with you the top three lessons that I took from the classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
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I'll see you in the next one, alright?
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Take care.
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Bye.
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Лексика и советы по произношению к этому уроку
В этом видео 233 предложений и 2855 слов для шедоуинга. Речь длится 14:06. Говорящий говорит быстро, около 203 слов в минуту, поэтому звуки часто сливаются и сокращаются. 84% слов входят в 3000 самых частых слов английского языка; остальные стоит разобрать перед занятием.
Ключевая лексика этого видео
15 менее частых слов из видео с произношением и значением:
- lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (существительное) — уро́к, ле́кция. A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
- crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/ (прилагательное) — реша́ющий, ключево́й. Essential or decisive for determining the outcome or future of something; extremely important; vital.
- skill /skɪl/ (существительное) — уме́ние, на́вык. A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate.
- emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ (существительное) — эмо́ция, чу́вство. A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.
- framework /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/ (существительное) — о́стов, ко́рпус. A support structure comprising joined parts or conglomerated particles and intervening open spaces of similar or larger size.
- explode /ɪkˈsploʊd/ (глагол) — взрыва́ться, взорва́ться. To fly apart with sudden violent force; to blow up, to burst, to detonate, to go off.
- bonus /ˈbəʊ.nəs/ (существительное) — пре́мия, бо́нус. Something extra that is good; an added benefit.
- curious /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ (прилагательное) — любопы́тный, любозна́тельный. Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying.
- assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/ (существительное) — приня́тие на себя́. The act of assuming, or taking to or upon oneself; the act of taking up or adopting.
- furious /ˈfjʊəɹi.əs/ (прилагательное) — я́ростный, разъярённый. Feeling great anger; raging; violent.
- curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/ (существительное) — любопы́тство, любозна́тельность. Inquisitiveness; the tendency to ask and learn about things by asking questions, investigating, or exploring.
- rush /ɹʌʃ/ (глагол) — спеши́ть, поспеши́ть. To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully.
- mirror /ˈmiɹɚ/ (существительное) — зе́ркало, зерца́ло. A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it.
- silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ (существительное) — тишина́, молча́ние. The absence of any sound.
- encourage /ɪnˈkʌɹ.ɪd͡ʒ/ (глагол) — ободря́ть, обо́дрить. To mentally support; to motivate, give courage, hope or spirit.
Фразовые глаголы, которые вы услышите
- deal with (глагол) — справляться с. To handle verbally or in some form of artistic expression; to address or discuss as a subject.
- move on (глагол) — продвигаться. To continue; to proceed; to go on.
- shut down (глагол) — выключить, остановить. To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily.
- talk about (глагол) — ну и, вот э́то. Used to draw attention to the speaker's characterization of someone or something.
- ask for (глагол) — проси́ть, попроси́ть. To request; to order.
- bring up (глагол) — воспи́тывать, воспита́ть. To mention.
- build up (глагол) — накапливаться, скапливаться. To erect; to construct.
- check in (глагол) — регистри́роваться, зарегистри́роваться. To announce or record one's own arrival at a hotel, airport etc.
Произношение, на которое стоит обратить внимание
Говорящий использует 106 сокращённых и редуцированных форм, например don't, I'm, you're. Произносите их коротко, так, как слышите.
- Звуки «th»: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, truthful /ˈtɹuːθ.f(ə)l/
- Звуки «sh» и «zh»: crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
- Длинные слова — следите за ударением: curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, extraordinary /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/
Как заниматься с этим видео
- Прослушайте всё видео один раз молча и выпишите незнакомые слова.
- Начните со скорости 0,75×, повторяйте предложение за предложением и вернитесь к обычной скорости, когда станет легко.
- Запишите себя и сравните с оригиналом, обращая внимание на такие слова, как lesson, crucial, skill.
Грамматика в этом видео
Конструкции, которые говорящий использует чаще всего, с точными словами из видео:
| Конструкция | В видео |
|---|---|
| «Used to» used to + глагол — прошлая привычка или состояние, которых больше нет | used to find · used to handle · used to feel |
| Present Perfect have/has + причастие прошедшего времени — прошлое действие, важное сейчас | I've taught · I've learned · you've just said |
| Пассивный залог be + причастие прошедшего времени — важно, что происходит, а не кто это делает | was stuck · was left · is dedicated |
| Придаточные определительные who / which + предложение — уточнение о человеке или предмете | Connect, which is · together, which is |
Что такое техника Shadowing?
Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.