Shadowing Practice: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation for so long that when it finally happened, everything just exploded over something ridiculously small?

Or have you ever told yourself, you know what, enough's enough.

I'm going to be completely honest from here on in, only to make the situation worse because you were too damn honest.

Or has someone ever said to you, I'm fine, but you knew it meant the opposite.

I used to find myself in all three of these situations, but after reading Crucial Conversations, I finally understood why this kept happening,

why I was stuck in situations where there'd be so much miscommunication.

And in this video, I want to share with you the top three lessons from this book

that changed how I approach difficult conversations.

So I could speak up before resentment started to build up.

So I could be honest without making people sad, angry, or shut down.

And to finally hear what people were actually trying to say.

My name's Vin, and for more than a decade, I've taught millions of people how to be better communicators.

And this year, I became an author!

So to celebrate, I'm sharing the biggest lessons

that I've learned from communication books that have helped shape the person that I've become.

And before I get into what this particular book taught me, you need to understand how badly I used to handle conflict.

My natural approach to conflict was to say nothing and to avoid completely.

I convinced myself that it wasn't worth bringing up.

Then I would resent the person for failing to solve the problem I never told them existed.

It was a flawless system.

And that avoidance damaged so many of my relationships that I had.

And many of them had the potential to be amazing.

Because the problem doesn't disappear when you avoid the conversation.

It just starts to go underground where you can't see it.

It starts to build.

It starts to simmer.

A little frustration here, a small bit of disappointment there.

Until eventually somebody explodes because a cup was left on the wrong bench and you didn't use a coaster.

Which makes you think in the moment, what the hell?

All of this happened because of a damn cup and no coaster?

It was never about the cup nor the coaster.

The cup and the coaster was the final straw that broke the donkey's back.

So then instead of avoiding these conversation, I then overcorrected.

I thought, you know what?

Enough avoiding.

From now on, I'm going to be 100% honest.

And that didn't work either.

I went from saying nothing to saying everything with force.

And then the people around me became defensive, they became emotional, and sometimes I'd even shut down.

You bottle things up and then the relationships explode.

You share what you think and then relationships explode.

What the hell?

And crucial conversations finally started to help me understand what I was missing.

Lesson number one, watch for the moment safety collapses.

The authors in the book explain that skilled communicators, they have dual processes.

They're paying attention to the content of the conversation, what we're talking about, but they're also paying attention to the conditions of the conversation.

Does this still feel safe enough for us to talk about?

Because the moment safety starts to disappear, people generally move towards one of two things.

They either move towards silence or they move towards violence.

Silence doesn't always mean saying nothing.

It can look like avoiding, changing the subject, sarcasm, or just agreeing with you while they're internally planning to ignore everything you've just said.

And violence doesn't always mean physical violence either.

It can sound like raising your voice, interrupting you, or using absolutes like, you're always doing this, you never listen.

And once that safety collapses, people stop hearing what you're saying.

They don't hear your message clearly anymore.

Even something harmless can sound like an attack.

The skill is learning to notice the moment the conversation starts to change.

And for me, I can often hear it before I can see it.

The voice gets louder, the words become sharper.

Then I see it in their faces.

The tension around their eyes and the body pulling away.

But the change doesn't always move towards anger.

Sometimes it moves in the complete opposite direction.

And one of the saddest ways I learned about this was with my mum.

My mum often says she's fine.

And for years, I only listened to the words, are you okay, mum?

I'm fine.

Great, mum's fine.

Moving on.

I wasn't hearing the pause before she answered.

I didn't hear the exhaustion that was in her voice and the worry that was in her eyes.

There were so many moments in her life where she was dealing with health problems

and she went through so many of them alone

because I just listened to the sentence and the words and completely missed everything surrounding it.

As I started to become more aware of voice, emotion, body language, word choice, I started to notice so much more.

When she says, I'm fine, I now can recognize that didn't sound fine.

So instead of just moving on, I'd stay with her.

I'd ask her another question.

I'd say, hey, mom, you don't sound like yourself.

Are you sure you're doing okay?

And then I'd create space.

I don't jump in.

I don't rush to tell her what to do, that she needs to go to the doctors, that I hear how you're going to solve it.

I don't do any of that.

I just create that space for her.

And then eventually she told me.

Can you see from that example how a crucial conversation isn't just the dramatic argument between two people screaming at each other?

Sometimes it's a moment when someone almost tells you the truth.

And whether they continue or not depends on whether you notice or not.

The most important part of what somebody is saying is often the part they're struggling to say.

And this is something I teach in my own book, Before We Forget How to Connect, which is available for pre-order now.

So if you want to support me and you want to get a copy of the book, make sure you go and pre-order yourself a copy.

You know, one of the core sections of this book is dedicated to listening.

Yeah, it's a skill.

People aren't just born with that ability.

Listening isn't only just hearing somebody's words, it's listening for the change in their voice, listening to the way they use their voice.

Maybe it's the pauses, maybe it's the melody shifts, maybe it's the words that don't quite match everything else that they're showing.

I teach this and so many more lessons that I've learned over the last 15 years as a communication skills coach.

And if you pre-order the book today, you'll receive an exclusive pre-order bonus this month where you'll get

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a free ticket to join me live for my three-day event

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could break the mold that's happening in August where you'll learn what communication habits are holding you back.

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We'll practice these new behaviors together online so click the link in the description

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if you want to pre-order a copy and get the bonus or you can scan the QR code that's on screen.

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Okay now on to lesson number two from Crucial Conversations.

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One of my favorite lines from Crucial Conversations is this, at the moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.

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Which sounds beautiful until somebody cuts you off in traffic.

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I remember once driving, somebody flew past me incredibly fast out of nowhere and I was furious.

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I got so upset.

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I was angry.

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I was pissed off.

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What an idiot.

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What kind of selfish person drives like that?

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You could have killed somebody.

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And then guess what happens?

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We both end up at the traffic light together, which is always so satisfying because as you're rolling up, you can start to turn to the side and you give them

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that evil instinct eye and you wish you could say to them, and congratulations, all that aggressive driving and you've just arrived three meters ahead of me.

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And as I'm about to give this person the stare, and you know the stare I'm talking about, the intentional expression for, I strongly disapprove of the way you operated your motor vehicle.

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But when I looked into the car, I saw a young lady crying.

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She was bawling her eyes out.

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And I don't have the full story about what was happening, but then in my head, everything changed when I saw a young lady crying.

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She was bawling her eyes out

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and I don't have the full story about what was happening

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but then in my head everything changed when I saw the emotion that was on her face.

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Maybe something terrible had happened.

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Maybe she's rushing to the hospital to see a parent, to see a family member.

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But that one extra piece of context that I got from seeing her emotions, it took the anger straight out of me.

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Moments earlier I built this entire story about this person, how awful they were, selfish they were, how reckless they are as a human being.

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And then suddenly, the moment I saw the emotions, I now saw another possibility.

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This is one of the questions the authors encourage you and me to ask.

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Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person behave this way?

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Look, the reality is some people are dickheads.

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But this question at least forces you to consider that there may be more information that you don't have.

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And when somebody becomes quiet or they become emotional.

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The book gives us a framework called AMPP, which stands for ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime.

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Ask means inviting them to share.

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Hey, what's going on?

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Can you help me understand what happened?

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Mirror means pointing out their words and emotions that don't really seem to match each other.

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Hey, you're saying you're fine, but your voice doesn't sound fine.

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Paraphrasing means restating what you've heard like this.

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Hey, it sounds like you felt like you were left out of the decision.

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And I'll admit this, I used to feel really uncomfortable about paraphrasing because I thought, what am I, a therapist?

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But paraphrasing isn't just merely parroting or you trying to be a therapist.

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You're now checking in whether or not you understood the meaning behind what they were saying.

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And prime, this is for when they still won't open up.

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So you just softly offer a possible explanation.

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Are you upset that I made this decision without considering you? you're giving them something that they can confirm, reject, or correct.

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The goal of AMPP isn't to interrogate somebody until they confess.

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It's to make it safer for them to show you the parts of the story

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that you actually haven't been exposed to yet.

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Because when someone joins a conversation angry or defensive, you're often entering their story halfway through.

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You don't have enough context.

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You didn't see the moment they felt excluded, or the promise they thought you broke.

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In other words, you've entered the movie 40 minutes in, and now you're angry and upset because the plot makes no sense,

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curiosity in this moment helps you slow down, rewind the damn movie, and catch up on what's actually happening.

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And finally, lesson three.

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Start with the facts, not the story that you've invented in your own darn head.

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Human beings are extraordinary storytellers.

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Give us three facts and we'll create a six-part Netflix series.

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One of my family members sometimes takes a really long time to reply to my messages.

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And then this is what happens.

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My brain doesn't think to itself, oh, they haven't replied yet.

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They must be busy.

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No, my brain thinks, oh, they don't care about this relationship.

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I always make the effort with them.

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They never make the effort.

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I reckon they hate me now.

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And now I'm emotionally reacting to a story that I wrote, directed and produced without ever speaking to the other character who happens to be the main character.

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The facts were simple.

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I sent some messages.

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It's been 24 hours.

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They haven't replied.

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That's it.

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Everything else was an interpretation.

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Later, I discovered they were dealing with life, their kids, appointments, stress, things that I didn't even know about.

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This book gives us another framework called STATE, S-T-A-T-E.

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Share your facts, tell your story, ask for their path, talk tentatively, encourage testing.

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In practice, it might sound like this.

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Hey, I've sent a few messages over the last couple of weeks and I haven't heard back.

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That's the fact.

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Then I started wondering whether everything's okay or whether maybe I've done something wrong or something to upset you.

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That's the story I've built from those facts.

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But notice I'm presenting it as a possibility, not as a verdict, not as a conclusion.

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Then I ask, am I reading that wrong?

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What's been happening on your end.

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Now I'm inviting their perspective and giving them permission to correct me.

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Compare that with you clearly don't care about me.

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You don't give a shit about this relationship anymore.

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Can you see how there are two paths here?

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Two options for you to take.

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One where you fill it with curiosity and it leads to more understanding.

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And then the other path you make all these false assumptions, create a story in your head and then it leads to the destruction of a relationship.

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Let me share with you another example.

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Early in my marriage whenever my wife Pei Wen was upset with me, I always would make false assumptions in my own mind and assume that it was because of me, because I've done something wrong.

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And I'll do that immediately.

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And I'd take responsibility for something I didn't even create.

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But as we've learned to communicate better with the help of the frameworks from this wonderful book here, I've started to realize that the problem isn't always me.

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It isn't always me.

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Sometimes it's the bloody kids.

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Around 30% of the time, it is still me.

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That's fine.

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But 70% of the time, the kids are who have frustrated her.

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It actually wasn't me.

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The point is, as human beings, we're really good at taking the dots and connecting them and creating our own versions of what we think happened.

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The most important part of this lesson is that even if you have done that and you have connected the dots, remember it's still a series of assumptions that you've made.

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So be curious enough to always check in with the other person to see if you got it right.

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When I was younger, I thought crucial conversations were won by the person with the strongest argument.

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Then I swung the other way and I avoided them completely.

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Crucial Conversations has taught me there's a better way.

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Truth without safety can feel like an attack, but safety without truth, well it kind of becomes avoidance.

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Ha, the joys of adulting, hey?

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The real skill here is creating enough safety for honesty and curiosity to exist at the same time in the same conversation.

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To notice when the conditions have changed, and that's a skill in itself.

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To be curious before you become furious, I love that lesson from the book.

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And to separate the story that you've told yourself from what actually happened

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because the goal here is not to win the conversation it's

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to make the conversation feel safe enough for you both or for both parties to be truthful with each other.

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Crucial Conversations gave me a framework for discussions

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that I used to run away from and I now can firmly say

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that many of my relationships have flourished as a result of reading this wonderful book.

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So to the authors Joseph, Kerry, Ron, Al, Emily you're all legends Thank you so much for coming together and distilling your wisdom.

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So go ahead, make sure you get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations.

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And if you want to go deeper in my work, get your copy of Before We Forget How to Connect, where I go into voice, body language, storytelling, and listening.

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It's available for pre-order now.

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The link is in the description below.

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Or you can scan the QR code to get the pre-order bonus, which gives you a free ticket to join me for my three-day live event called Break the Mold.

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That's happening in August.

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That's coming up really soon.

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And if you missed the last video where I reviewed Dale Carnegie's book, click the video you see here.

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That's where I'm going to share with you the top three lessons that I took from the classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

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I'll see you in the next one, alright?

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Take care.

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Bye.

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This video has 233 sentences and 2855 words to shadow. The speech runs for 14:06. The speaker talks fast, about 203 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 84% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.

Key vocabulary in this video

15 less common words from the video, with pronunciation and meaning:

lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (noun) — A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/ (adjective) — Essential or decisive for determining the outcome or future of something; extremely important; vital.
skill /skɪl/ (noun) — A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate.
emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ (noun) — A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.
framework /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/ (noun) — A support structure comprising joined parts or conglomerated particles and intervening open spaces of similar or larger size.
explode /ɪkˈsploʊd/ (verb) — To fly apart with sudden violent force; to blow up, to burst, to detonate, to go off.
coaster /ˈkoʊ̯s.tɚ/ (noun) — A person who uses a sled or toboggan to slide down a slope covered with ice or snow; a sledder, a tobogganist.
bonus /ˈbəʊ.nəs/ (noun) — Something extra that is good; an added benefit.
curious /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ (adjective) — Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying.
assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/ (noun) — The act of assuming, or taking to or upon oneself; the act of taking up or adopting.
furious /ˈfjʊəɹi.əs/ (adjective) — Feeling great anger; raging; violent.
curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/ (noun) — Inquisitiveness; the tendency to ask and learn about things by asking questions, investigating, or exploring.
rush /ɹʌʃ/ (verb) — To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully.
mirror /ˈmiɹɚ/ (noun) — A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it.
silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ (noun) — The absence of any sound.

Phrasal verbs you will hear

deal with (verb) — To handle verbally or in some form of artistic expression; to address or discuss as a subject.
move on (verb) — To continue; to proceed; to go on.
shut down (verb) — To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily.
talk about (verb) — Used to draw attention to the speaker's characterization of someone or something.
ask for (verb) — To request; to order.
bring up (verb) — To mention.
build up (verb) — To erect; to construct.
check in (verb) — To announce or record one's own arrival at a hotel, airport etc.

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 106 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, I'm, you're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “th” sounds: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, truthful /ˈtɹuːθ.f(ə)l/
The “sh” and “zh” sounds: crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
Long words — get the stress right: curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, extraordinary /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like lesson, crucial, skill.

דקדוק בסרטון הזה

המבנים שהדובר משתמש בהם הכי הרבה, עם המילים המדויקות מהסרטון:

מבנה	בסרטון
“Used to” used to + verb — הרגל או מצב שהיה נכון בעבר וכבר לא קיים	used to find · used to feel · used to run
הווה מושלם (Present perfect) have/has + past participle — פעולה שקרתה בעבר ועדיין יש לה חשיבות או השפעה עכשיו	Have you ever avoided · have you ever told · I've taught
סביל (Passive voice) be + past participle — הדגש הוא על מה שקורה, לא על מי שעושה את הפעולה	was left · aren't just born · was pissed
משפטי זיקה (Relative clauses) who / which + clause — מידע נוסף על אדם או דבר	Connect, which is · together, which is

מהי טכניקת השאדואינג?

שאדואינג היא טכניקת למידת שפה מבוססת מדע שפותחה במקור להכשרת מתורגמנים מקצועיים ופופולרית על ידי הפוליגלוט ד"ר אלכסנדר ארגואלס. השיטה פשוטה אך עוצמתית: אתה מקשיב לאודיו באנגלית ילידית וחוזר עליו בקול רם מיד — כמו צל העוקב אחרי הדובר עם עיכוב של 1–2 שניות בלבד. בניגוד להאזנה פסיבית או תרגילי דקדוק, שאדואינג מכריח את המוח והשרירים בפה לעבד ולשחזר דפוסי דיבור אמיתיים בו זמנית. מחקרים מראים שזה משפר משמעותית את דיוק ההגייה, האינטונציה, הקצב, הדיבור המחובר, הבנת השמיעה ושטף הדיבור — מה שהופך אותו לאחת השיטות היעילות ביותר להכנה לIELTS Speaking ולתקשורת באנגלית בעולם האמיתי.

טכניקת Shadowing: קרא את המדריך המלא שלב אחר שלב →

Shadowing Practice: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

Key vocabulary in this video

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Pronunciation to watch

How to practise with this video

דקדוק בסרטון הזה

מהי טכניקת השאדואינג?