Shadowing Practice: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Even If It's Confronting) - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creando lección...
1
Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation for so long that when it finally happened, everything just exploded over something ridiculously small?
2
Or have you ever told yourself, you know what, enough's enough.
3
I'm going to be completely honest from here on in, only to make the situation worse because you were too damn honest.
4
Or has someone ever said to you, I'm fine, but you knew it meant the opposite.
5
I used to find myself in all three of these situations, but after reading Crucial Conversations, I finally understood why this kept happening,
6
why I was stuck in situations where there'd be so much miscommunication.
7
And in this video, I want to share with you the top three lessons from this book
8
that changed how I approach difficult conversations.
9
So I could speak up before resentment started to build up.
10
So I could be honest without making people sad, angry, or shut down.
11
And to finally hear what people were actually trying to say.
12
My name's Vin, and for more than a decade, I've taught millions of people how to be better communicators.
13
And this year, I became an author!
14
So to celebrate, I'm sharing the biggest lessons
15
that I've learned from communication books that have helped shape the person that I've become.
16
And before I get into what this particular book taught me, you need to understand how badly I used to handle conflict.
17
My natural approach to conflict was to say nothing and to avoid completely.
18
I convinced myself that it wasn't worth bringing up.
19
Then I would resent the person for failing to solve the problem I never told them existed.
20
It was a flawless system.
21
And that avoidance damaged so many of my relationships that I had.
22
And many of them had the potential to be amazing.
23
Because the problem doesn't disappear when you avoid the conversation.
24
It just starts to go underground where you can't see it.
25
It starts to build.
26
It starts to simmer.
27
A little frustration here, a small bit of disappointment there.
28
Until eventually somebody explodes because a cup was left on the wrong bench and you didn't use a coaster.
29
Which makes you think in the moment, what the hell?
30
All of this happened because of a damn cup and no coaster?
31
It was never about the cup nor the coaster.
32
The cup and the coaster was the final straw that broke the donkey's back.
33
So then instead of avoiding these conversation, I then overcorrected.
34
I thought, you know what?
35
Enough avoiding.
36
From now on, I'm going to be 100% honest.
37
And that didn't work either.
38
I went from saying nothing to saying everything with force.
39
And then the people around me became defensive, they became emotional, and sometimes I'd even shut down.
40
You bottle things up and then the relationships explode.
41
You share what you think and then relationships explode.
42
What the hell?
43
And crucial conversations finally started to help me understand what I was missing.
44
Lesson number one, watch for the moment safety collapses.
45
The authors in the book explain that skilled communicators, they have dual processes.
46
They're paying attention to the content of the conversation, what we're talking about, but they're also paying attention to the conditions of the conversation.
47
Does this still feel safe enough for us to talk about?
48
Because the moment safety starts to disappear, people generally move towards one of two things.
49
They either move towards silence or they move towards violence.
50
Silence doesn't always mean saying nothing.
51
It can look like avoiding, changing the subject, sarcasm, or just agreeing with you while they're internally planning to ignore everything you've just said.
52
And violence doesn't always mean physical violence either.
53
It can sound like raising your voice, interrupting you, or using absolutes like, you're always doing this, you never listen.
54
And once that safety collapses, people stop hearing what you're saying.
55
They don't hear your message clearly anymore.
56
Even something harmless can sound like an attack.
57
The skill is learning to notice the moment the conversation starts to change.
58
And for me, I can often hear it before I can see it.
59
The voice gets louder, the words become sharper.
60
Then I see it in their faces.
61
The tension around their eyes and the body pulling away.
62
But the change doesn't always move towards anger.
63
Sometimes it moves in the complete opposite direction.
64
And one of the saddest ways I learned about this was with my mum.
65
My mum often says she's fine.
66
And for years, I only listened to the words, are you okay, mum?
67
I'm fine.
68
Great, mum's fine.
69
Moving on.
70
I wasn't hearing the pause before she answered.
71
I didn't hear the exhaustion that was in her voice and the worry that was in her eyes.
72
There were so many moments in her life where she was dealing with health problems
73
and she went through so many of them alone
74
because I just listened to the sentence and the words and completely missed everything surrounding it.
75
As I started to become more aware of voice, emotion, body language, word choice, I started to notice so much more.
76
When she says, I'm fine, I now can recognize that didn't sound fine.
77
So instead of just moving on, I'd stay with her.
78
I'd ask her another question.
79
I'd say, hey, mom, you don't sound like yourself.
80
Are you sure you're doing okay?
81
And then I'd create space.
82
I don't jump in.
83
I don't rush to tell her what to do, that she needs to go to the doctors, that I hear how you're going to solve it.
84
I don't do any of that.
85
I just create that space for her.
86
And then eventually she told me.
87
Can you see from that example how a crucial conversation isn't just the dramatic argument between two people screaming at each other?
88
Sometimes it's a moment when someone almost tells you the truth.
89
And whether they continue or not depends on whether you notice or not.
90
The most important part of what somebody is saying is often the part they're struggling to say.
91
And this is something I teach in my own book, Before We Forget How to Connect, which is available for pre-order now.
92
So if you want to support me and you want to get a copy of the book, make sure you go and pre-order yourself a copy.
93
You know, one of the core sections of this book is dedicated to listening.
94
Yeah, it's a skill.
95
People aren't just born with that ability.
96
Listening isn't only just hearing somebody's words, it's listening for the change in their voice, listening to the way they use their voice.
97
Maybe it's the pauses, maybe it's the melody shifts, maybe it's the words that don't quite match everything else that they're showing.
98
I teach this and so many more lessons that I've learned over the last 15 years as a communication skills coach.
99
And if you pre-order the book today, you'll receive an exclusive pre-order bonus this month where you'll get
100
a free ticket to join me live for my three-day event
101
could break the mold that's happening in August where you'll learn what communication habits are holding you back.
102
We'll practice these new behaviors together online so click the link in the description
103
if you want to pre-order a copy and get the bonus or you can scan the QR code that's on screen.
104
Okay now on to lesson number two from Crucial Conversations.
105
One of my favorite lines from Crucial Conversations is this, at the moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.
106
Which sounds beautiful until somebody cuts you off in traffic.
107
I remember once driving, somebody flew past me incredibly fast out of nowhere and I was furious.
108
I got so upset.
109
I was angry.
110
I was pissed off.
111
What an idiot.
112
What kind of selfish person drives like that?
113
You could have killed somebody.
114
And then guess what happens?
115
We both end up at the traffic light together, which is always so satisfying because as you're rolling up, you can start to turn to the side and you give them
116
that evil instinct eye and you wish you could say to them, and congratulations, all that aggressive driving and you've just arrived three meters ahead of me.
117
And as I'm about to give this person the stare, and you know the stare I'm talking about, the intentional expression for, I strongly disapprove of the way you operated your motor vehicle.
118
But when I looked into the car, I saw a young lady crying.
119
She was bawling her eyes out.
120
And I don't have the full story about what was happening, but then in my head, everything changed when I saw a young lady crying.
121
She was bawling her eyes out
122
and I don't have the full story about what was happening
123
but then in my head everything changed when I saw the emotion that was on her face.
124
Maybe something terrible had happened.
125
Maybe she's rushing to the hospital to see a parent, to see a family member.
126
But that one extra piece of context that I got from seeing her emotions, it took the anger straight out of me.
127
Moments earlier I built this entire story about this person, how awful they were, selfish they were, how reckless they are as a human being.
128
And then suddenly, the moment I saw the emotions, I now saw another possibility.
129
This is one of the questions the authors encourage you and me to ask.
130
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person behave this way?
131
Look, the reality is some people are dickheads.
132
But this question at least forces you to consider that there may be more information that you don't have.
133
And when somebody becomes quiet or they become emotional.
134
The book gives us a framework called AMPP, which stands for ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime.
135
Ask means inviting them to share.
136
Hey, what's going on?
137
Can you help me understand what happened?
138
Mirror means pointing out their words and emotions that don't really seem to match each other.
139
Hey, you're saying you're fine, but your voice doesn't sound fine.
140
Paraphrasing means restating what you've heard like this.
141
Hey, it sounds like you felt like you were left out of the decision.
142
And I'll admit this, I used to feel really uncomfortable about paraphrasing because I thought, what am I, a therapist?
143
But paraphrasing isn't just merely parroting or you trying to be a therapist.
144
You're now checking in whether or not you understood the meaning behind what they were saying.
145
And prime, this is for when they still won't open up.
146
So you just softly offer a possible explanation.
147
Are you upset that I made this decision without considering you? you're giving them something that they can confirm, reject, or correct.
148
The goal of AMPP isn't to interrogate somebody until they confess.
149
It's to make it safer for them to show you the parts of the story
150
that you actually haven't been exposed to yet.
151
Because when someone joins a conversation angry or defensive, you're often entering their story halfway through.
152
You don't have enough context.
153
You didn't see the moment they felt excluded, or the promise they thought you broke.
154
In other words, you've entered the movie 40 minutes in, and now you're angry and upset because the plot makes no sense,
155
curiosity in this moment helps you slow down, rewind the damn movie, and catch up on what's actually happening.
156
And finally, lesson three.
157
Start with the facts, not the story that you've invented in your own darn head.
158
Human beings are extraordinary storytellers.
159
Give us three facts and we'll create a six-part Netflix series.
160
One of my family members sometimes takes a really long time to reply to my messages.
161
And then this is what happens.
162
My brain doesn't think to itself, oh, they haven't replied yet.
163
They must be busy.
164
No, my brain thinks, oh, they don't care about this relationship.
165
I always make the effort with them.
166
They never make the effort.
167
I reckon they hate me now.
168
And now I'm emotionally reacting to a story that I wrote, directed and produced without ever speaking to the other character who happens to be the main character.
169
The facts were simple.
170
I sent some messages.
171
It's been 24 hours.
172
They haven't replied.
173
That's it.
174
Everything else was an interpretation.
175
Later, I discovered they were dealing with life, their kids, appointments, stress, things that I didn't even know about.
176
This book gives us another framework called STATE, S-T-A-T-E.
177
Share your facts, tell your story, ask for their path, talk tentatively, encourage testing.
178
In practice, it might sound like this.
179
Hey, I've sent a few messages over the last couple of weeks and I haven't heard back.
180
That's the fact.
181
Then I started wondering whether everything's okay or whether maybe I've done something wrong or something to upset you.
182
That's the story I've built from those facts.
183
But notice I'm presenting it as a possibility, not as a verdict, not as a conclusion.
184
Then I ask, am I reading that wrong?
185
What's been happening on your end.
186
Now I'm inviting their perspective and giving them permission to correct me.
187
Compare that with you clearly don't care about me.
188
You don't give a shit about this relationship anymore.
189
Can you see how there are two paths here?
190
Two options for you to take.
191
One where you fill it with curiosity and it leads to more understanding.
192
And then the other path you make all these false assumptions, create a story in your head and then it leads to the destruction of a relationship.
193
Let me share with you another example.
194
Early in my marriage whenever my wife Pei Wen was upset with me, I always would make false assumptions in my own mind and assume that it was because of me, because I've done something wrong.
195
And I'll do that immediately.
196
And I'd take responsibility for something I didn't even create.
197
But as we've learned to communicate better with the help of the frameworks from this wonderful book here, I've started to realize that the problem isn't always me.
198
It isn't always me.
199
Sometimes it's the bloody kids.
200
Around 30% of the time, it is still me.
201
That's fine.
202
But 70% of the time, the kids are who have frustrated her.
203
It actually wasn't me.
204
The point is, as human beings, we're really good at taking the dots and connecting them and creating our own versions of what we think happened.
205
The most important part of this lesson is that even if you have done that and you have connected the dots, remember it's still a series of assumptions that you've made.
206
So be curious enough to always check in with the other person to see if you got it right.
207
When I was younger, I thought crucial conversations were won by the person with the strongest argument.
208
Then I swung the other way and I avoided them completely.
209
Crucial Conversations has taught me there's a better way.
210
Truth without safety can feel like an attack, but safety without truth, well it kind of becomes avoidance.
211
Ha, the joys of adulting, hey?
212
The real skill here is creating enough safety for honesty and curiosity to exist at the same time in the same conversation.
213
To notice when the conditions have changed, and that's a skill in itself.
214
To be curious before you become furious, I love that lesson from the book.
215
And to separate the story that you've told yourself from what actually happened
216
because the goal here is not to win the conversation it's
217
to make the conversation feel safe enough for you both or for both parties to be truthful with each other.
218
Crucial Conversations gave me a framework for discussions
219
that I used to run away from and I now can firmly say
220
that many of my relationships have flourished as a result of reading this wonderful book.
221
So to the authors Joseph, Kerry, Ron, Al, Emily you're all legends Thank you so much for coming together and distilling your wisdom.
222
So go ahead, make sure you get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations.
223
And if you want to go deeper in my work, get your copy of Before We Forget How to Connect, where I go into voice, body language, storytelling, and listening.
224
It's available for pre-order now.
225
The link is in the description below.
226
Or you can scan the QR code to get the pre-order bonus, which gives you a free ticket to join me for my three-day live event called Break the Mold.
227
That's happening in August.
228
That's coming up really soon.
229
And if you missed the last video where I reviewed Dale Carnegie's book, click the video you see here.
230
That's where I'm going to share with you the top three lessons that I took from the classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
231
I'll see you in the next one, alright?
232
Take care.
233
Bye.
📺 Mismo canal
C21,189
When do you stop understanding? 🙊
IELTS PrepTOEFL PrepUniversity Students
B12
The 2 biggest benefits of PAUSING when you speak
Business EnglishWorking Adults
B14
How to improve your articulation FAST
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B14
Top 5 Communication Skills Lessons
Business EnglishWorking Adults
B15
How to Speak with MORE Clarity!
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B2The Guide To Talk To Anyone (Regardless of Their Seniority)
B13
5 vocal exercises for a more powerful voice 😎
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B16
5 simple habits to be a better communicator
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B16
Look confident + sound confident = Feel confident
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B22
Doing This (Almost) GUARANTEES You Get Hired In A Job Interview!
Business EnglishInterview EnglishUniversity Students
B129
Never answer questions quickly. Pause first.
Business EnglishInterview EnglishUniversity Students
B24
How to Enter Conversations (Even If You Have Nothing To Say!)
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B26
How to Be Disgustingly Articulate And Well Spoken
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B22
7 POWERFUL Storytelling Secrets to Level Up Your Communication Skills
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B13
You must PAUSE when you speak!
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B21
TOP 3 Tips To Improve Your Communication Skills!
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B23
STOP Saying Umm & Ahh
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
C12
Give me 14 minutes and I'll help you think & speak faster
Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B229
Why You're So Good At Being Shy...
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B12
You won't believe the difference hand gestures make... 🤯
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
✨ Recomendar Video
B23
133 oraciones
The five hard conversations: preventing divorce
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B21
361 oraciones
Thói quen thay đổi vận mệnh của bạn | Sách Atomic Habits - James Clear
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B21
107 oraciones
Be Direct in English. If You Worry You Sound Rude, Watch This.
American AccentBusiness EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B21
319 oraciones
How to ACTUALLY Let Them?
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B12,600
11 oraciones
The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Students (Part 6) 💯
American AccentBusiness EnglishDaily ConversationHigh School Students
B2113 oraciones
How to Finish Speaking in English Without an Awkward Silence
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B22
235 oraciones
How To Start A Conversation
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B2224 oraciones
【聞き方を変えると人生が変わる】Vol.1 人は聞き方が9割 永松茂久
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B2348 oraciones
How to Communicate So People Actually Listen
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B23
246 oraciones
Never Struggle with Small Talk Again | Easy Tips for Better Conversations
American AccentBusiness EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
Vocabulario y notas de pronunciación para esta lección
Este vídeo tiene 233 frases y 2855 palabras para practicar shadowing. La parte hablada dura 14:06. El hablante habla rápido, unas 203 palabras por minuto, así que espera sonidos enlazados y reducidos. El 84 % de las palabras está entre las 3.000 más comunes del inglés; conviene repasar el resto antes de empezar.
Vocabulario clave de este vídeo
15 palabras menos comunes del vídeo, con su pronunciación y significado:
- lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (sustantivo) — lección. A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
- crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/ (adjetivo) — crucial. Essential or decisive for determining the outcome or future of something; extremely important; vital.
- skill /skɪl/ (sustantivo) — destreza, habilidad. A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate.
- emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ (sustantivo) — afecto, emoción. A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.
- framework /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/ (sustantivo) — entramado, armazón. A support structure comprising joined parts or conglomerated particles and intervening open spaces of similar or larger size.
- explode /ɪkˈsploʊd/ (verbo) — explosionar, explotar. To fly apart with sudden violent force; to blow up, to burst, to detonate, to go off.
- coaster /ˈkoʊ̯s.tɚ/ (sustantivo) — costero. A person who uses a sled or toboggan to slide down a slope covered with ice or snow; a sledder, a tobogganist.
- bonus /ˈbəʊ.nəs/ (sustantivo) — bonificación, plus. Something extra that is good; an added benefit.
- curious /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ (adjetivo) — curioso, tener curiosidad. Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying.
- assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/ (sustantivo) — asunción. The act of assuming, or taking to or upon oneself; the act of taking up or adopting.
- furious /ˈfjʊəɹi.əs/ (adjetivo) — furioso. Feeling great anger; raging; violent.
- curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/ (sustantivo) — curiosidad. Inquisitiveness; the tendency to ask and learn about things by asking questions, investigating, or exploring.
- rush /ɹʌʃ/ (verbo) — correr, apurarse. To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully.
- mirror /ˈmiɹɚ/ (sustantivo) — espejo. A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it.
- silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ (sustantivo) — silencio. The absence of any sound.
Phrasal verbs que vas a escuchar
- deal with (verbo) — tratarse de, ocuparse. To handle verbally or in some form of artistic expression; to address or discuss as a subject.
- move on (verbo) — superarlo, seguir adelante. To continue; to proceed; to go on.
- shut down (verbo) — apagar. To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily.
- talk about (verbo) — hablar de, hablar sobre. Used to draw attention to the speaker's characterization of someone or something.
- ask for (verbo) — pedir. To request; to order.
- bring up (verbo) — levantar, alzar. To mention.
- check in (verbo) — registrarse de entrada, facturarse la entrada. To announce or record one's own arrival at a hotel, airport etc.
- come together /ˈkʌm tʊˈɡɛðɚ/ (verbo) — juntarse, concitarse. To assemble; to congregate; to combine.
Pronunciación a tener en cuenta
El hablante usa 106 contracciones y formas reducidas, como don't, I'm, you're. Dilas en su forma corta, tal como las oyes.
- Los sonidos de “th”: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, truthful /ˈtɹuːθ.f(ə)l/
- Los sonidos de “sh” y “zh”: crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, assumption /əˈsʌm(p).ʃ(ə)n/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/
- Palabras largas — cuida el acento: curiosity /ˌkjʊɹ.iˈɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, extraordinary /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/
Cómo practicar con este vídeo
- Escucha el vídeo entero una vez sin hablar y anota las palabras que no conoces.
- Empieza a velocidad 0,75×, haz shadowing frase por frase y vuelve a la velocidad normal cuando te resulte fácil.
- Grábate y compara con el original, prestando atención a palabras como lesson, crucial, skill.
Gramática en este vídeo
Las estructuras que más usa el hablante, con las palabras exactas del vídeo:
| Estructura | En el vídeo |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + verbo — un hábito o estado pasado que ya no es cierto | used to find · used to handle · used to feel |
| Present perfect have/has + participio pasado — una acción pasada que sigue importando ahora | I've taught · I've learned · you've just said |
| Voz pasiva be + participio pasado — importa lo que ocurre, no quién lo hace | was stuck · was left · is dedicated |
| Oraciones de relativo who / which + oración — información extra sobre una persona o cosa | Connect, which is · together, which is |
¿Qué es la Técnica de Shadowing?
Shadowing es una técnica de aprendizaje de idiomas respaldada por la ciencia, desarrollada originalmente para la formación de intérpretes profesionales y popularizada por el políglota Dr. Alexander Arguelles. El método es simple pero poderoso: escuchas audio en inglés nativo y lo repites en voz alta de inmediato, como una sombra que sigue al hablante con solo 1-2 segundos de retraso. A diferencia de la escucha pasiva o los ejercicios de gramática, el shadowing obliga a tu cerebro y músculos de la boca a procesar y reproducir simultáneamente patrones de habla reales. Las investigaciones muestran que mejora significativamente la precisión de la pronunciación, la entonación, el ritmo, el habla conectada, la comprensión auditiva y la fluidez al hablar, convirtiéndola en una de las metodologías más efectivas para la preparación del IELTS Speaking y la comunicación en inglés en el mundo real.