쉐도잉 연습: How to turn a conversation into a connection - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

Hi, I'm Rebecca from EngVid.

Today, I'm going to share with you one of the secrets of having better conversations with people even

when English is not your native language.

I'm going to show you how you can turn a conversation into a connection with someone.

And in this way, you're not only going to be able to improve your English, but I believe if you start using some of these methods,

you'll also be able to improve your relationships with people.

And when we improve our relationships, we also improve our lives.

So let's see how to do it.

And I'm going to show you lots of examples so you understand exactly what the strategy is and how to implement it.

Ready?

Let's get started.

So, the secret is to ask open questions rather than closed questions.

Let me explain to you exactly what each of these are.

So, closed questions usually start with are you, were you, do you, did you?

And open questions start with other words like how and what.

but let's look at some examples and you'll understand immediately

because you already use these both of these strategies

but maybe you didn't realize what the effect is

so let's understand let's look at this question did you have a good day

so if someone asks you did you have a good day what would you probably say yes

or no right that's it maybe you'll go on after that or maybe not.

Maybe that's it, okay?

On the other hand, if you ask someone, how was your day?

Now, first of all, the person doesn't have the option to say yes

or no because the answer to how was your day requires some words, some language, some information, right?

So you're going to get more than just a one word answer.

So for example, if you're a parent and if you're kids or you're teenagers, you want them to speak with you more and they're just giving you these short one word answers,

then maybe you're asking the closed question instead of the open question.

Maybe by changing your words, you will be able to transform the answers they're giving you and the information they're sharing with you.

Okay?

And it's not only true for parents and children, it's true for everyone.

Okay, let's look at another example.

Was it a good meeting?

You might ask your colleague, was it a good meeting?

He or she might say, yes, no. Again, limited.

On this side, you could ask the person, what did you think of the meeting?

or how was the meeting?

How was the meeting?

What did you think of the meeting?

What did you think of the conference?

Right?

What do you think of that idea?

You could put anything there, right?

But this will open it up.

The person is going to share more.

Next, you could say, ask someone, ask a student, did your exam go well?

Again, the person will answer with yes or no. Here you could say, how was your exam?

And maybe the person will explain a little bit more.

Well, you know, it was a little bit, it was quite easy in the beginning.

And then at the end, I, you know, was a, I ran out of time.

And so I had to rush a little bit, but overall it was good.

Now you've got some information, right?

The person has also been able to open up with, to you and share their thoughts, their feelings.

So these are the ways that you can ask the open questions with the how and the what and so on.

Now let's look in some more detail, a little more about each of these kinds of questions.

Because it's not that I'm saying you should always ask open questions.

If you're trying to learn more, if you're trying to build a relationship,

If you want someone to share with you and if you want to listen and if you have time to listen, then you'll ask these.

If you're looking for basic information, then these questions are useful.

So, let's look at what this is.

So, you ask the closed questions, they produce basic information, right?

Yes, no. The open questions give you more detailed information.

The closed questions give you short facts.

Where did you go?

To the office.

That's it, you know, instead of something more.

And here, you'll get more meaningful responses.

People will share more in their thoughts, their feelings, their opinions, all right?

The closed questions give the listener a forced choice.

So, I'm saying, did you have a good day?

So, I'm presuming that you should have good day.

All right.

Presuming that your exam should go well.

So this is a kind of a forced choice.

Or for example, in some professions, people use this strategy.

People who try to collect money from those who owe money, collectors, they don't ask you, when would you like to pay?

They say, do you want to pay on the first of the month or the third of the month, for example, right?

So that's kind of like a forced choice.

So there are some situations people are looking for that.

But this one gives you that forced choice, but the open questions open up and expand.

People share feelings, people share opinions, people share their experiences, all right?

So each one, as I said, has its features and its benefits and its pros and cons.

In the closed questions, who has the control?

The control is the person who's asking.

The control is in the hands of the person who's asking because they are framing the question, right?

Did you have a good day?

I'm asking you that you should have a good day.

I'm telling you and I'm asking you yes or no. Here, it's not that way.

The control shifts to the person who's answering the question because if I just ask you, how was your day?

That's it.

I've said this much and you're probably going to say this much.

So it's going to open up.

The control is more the person who's answering.

Okay.

They can decide if they want to give you a short answer, a little bit longer or a very long answer.

Got it?

Next.

So again, as I've said, this one limits the conversation.

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And there may be times when you need to or want to limit the conversation.

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The open questions expand the conversation.

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So if you'd like people to say more, share more,

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definitely use more open questions why also because when people tell you more

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and share more and say more about their thoughts and feelings

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and experiences you're giving them a chance to express themselves to

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talk about themselves you're giving them someone who cares you're giving them a person who is ready

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and willing and able to listen to them.

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And everybody likes that, okay?

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Everyone wishes that someone would really listen to them and understand them.

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So if you want to be this person and you want to improve your relationships personally, socially, professionally, listen to others.

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The way to listen to others is by asking more open questions.

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next here of course it's all communication

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but here the focus is more on communication okay did you

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have a good day yeah okay good let's have dinner okay you move on

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and here it's more about connection it's more than communication you're actually building

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that connection because you're building the relationship how was your day sweetheart whether you're talking to your partner

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or you're talking to your child or anyone or your grandmother, okay?

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And so you could say you're creating a connection with people, all right?

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So again, these are useful.

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Different types of questions are used by people in different professions.

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Salespeople usually want to make the deal fast, right?

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So they might ask more of the close questions.

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Also busy people.

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So here, open questions are used by certain professions, for example, journalists who want to learn more and gather more information,

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and also counselors whose job it is to listen.

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So people who tend to listen ask more open questions, and people who tend to speak themselves ask more closed questions.

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Okay, now let's look at several examples of how to turn these closed questions into open questions.

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So, what we can see on the board are all closed questions.

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What we'll do together is to change each of them into an open question.

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All right, so here we go.

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Something that people might say in a social context.

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Did you have a good holiday?

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Nothing wrong with that, but how could we improve it? and make it into an open question.

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These are the key words you could use.

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How or what.

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So, instead of saying, did you have a good holiday, you could say, how was your holiday?

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Good.

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In a professional context, instead of just saying, was it a good conference?

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You could ask, what did you think of the conference?

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Or, how is always good?

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How was the conference?

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Again, you'll get more sharing, more information.

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Okay?

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When you're asking about someone's health, of course you could ask, are you feeling better today?

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Nothing wrong with that.

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But how could we ask more?

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We could say, how are you feeling today?

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Okay, good.

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In a personal context, you could ask somebody, do you want to watch a movie?

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Or what would you like to watch?

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or what would you like to do today?

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Okay, that way you open it up.

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Maybe the person doesn't want to watch a movie.

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Maybe they're going to think of an even better idea than you thought of.

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So to open up that possibility, ask the more open question.

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Okay, next.

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Again, in a kind of a social situation, You might ask somebody, are you happy with your new phone?

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Or, how do you like your new phone?

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Or, how's your new phone?

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Or, what do you think of your new phone?

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Okay, any of those.

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Again, the how and the what questions will open up the dialogue.

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In an academic situation, you could ask someone, did you enjoy the lecture?

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Did you enjoy the class?

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or how was your class?

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That's it.

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You're getting it now.

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See, it's coming more naturally, which is what we want.

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Okay.

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In a parenting situation, suppose there are two kids who got into a fight.

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You could say who started the fight.

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And of course, everybody would say he did, she did, he did.

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Okay.

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Instead of that, you could say what happened?

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What happened kids?

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all right give each one a chance to kind of explain

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and talk instead of just pointing a finger all right

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and then even if you're discussing global topics

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and conversations okay you could say do you think we can

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achieve peace that's a closed question how could we reframe that important question

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how can we achieve peace not we don't want the no question here we probably want a yes question

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but we want more information how can we achieve peace what

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can we do to achieve peace this will these questions will

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also generate more thoughts more ideas more possibilities all right so

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if you'd like to open up your relationships build them make them stronger create connections with people, whether it's at home, whether it's at work,

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whether it's in your social circles, anywhere, try using more open questions.

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Now, in order to help you with this, I've written a long detail,

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very helpful, I believe I've been told, resource on this subject.

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I give you examples of sample conversations, lots of different areas, like social areas,

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political areas, professional areas, technical questions, and we take them from the closed questions, make them into open questions,

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just so that you have lots of examples to refer to when you're trying to really master this subject,

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which I really appreciate that you've taken the trouble to watch all the way to the end.

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And I really hope that it helps you to have better conversations.

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I believe it will.

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All right.

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Take care for now.

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Thanks very much for watching.

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Bye for now.

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Thank you.

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