쉐도잉 연습: Self improvement means letting go of yourself - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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Hello my sweet little angel babies.

I haven't really been on the internet a lot recently because I just didn't have anything to say.

And I've been doing a lot of soul searching behind the scenes

and trying to figure out a whole bunch of stuff, right?

But in the midst of trying to figure out a whole bunch of stuff going on in my life, right?

Went and saw Hadestown the musical.

Now I've seen Hadestown before.

I know the story of Eurydice and Orpheus.

but watching it

while simultaneously going through a couple things kind of made me look at self-improvement through a different lens

which I thought I'd share with you today

because this channel has always been about motivation and inspiration

and I've been finding it very difficult to improve as a person recently

and I've been backsliding on a lot of very bad habits

and very bad mindsets and I find myself finding a lot of shame towards

that for good reason because whenever you backslide into a worse version of yourself, of course there's going to be shame associated with that.

And it makes me think, why is it so difficult to improve?

And why does self-improvement actually feel so horrible in the long run?

And why is it so difficult to actually stick to it?

And I think it's because a piece of you has to die.

A piece of you has to be lost on the journey to self-improvement.

I know that sounds like a very dramatic, very extreme version of self-improvement

but it really is true all these bad habits we've developed

all these negative mindsets we've clung to they have to slowly

get chipped away like you're michelangelo carving marble out of yourself till you become someone different

because i know there's multiple past versions of myself that have fully

and completely went they're gone that version of me is not accessible anymore

because it's just gone for example like i didn't speak for the first like 22 years of my life.

That was just something I didn't do.

I didn't express my thoughts.

I didn't express myself.

I just didn't speak.

It wasn't something that was a part of me.

And then somewhere around 22, I started speaking and I started sharing my thoughts.

And then I slowly started sharing my thoughts on the internet, which is very scary.

But the version of me that doesn't talk, that doesn't speak, doesn't exist anymore.

She's a figment of my imagination, a figment of my past.

And I was thinking about that moment when Orpheus turns around

and he sees Eurydice right before she descends into the underworld for that very last time.

And for those of you that aren't familiar with the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, basically it's a story about two lovers and Eurydice gets sent to hell.

She gets sent to the underworld and Orpheus decides he's going to walk into hell and beg for her back. And Hades

decides to grant him a chance to win her back

but basically he has to face forward and lead her out of hell

but he is not allowed to look back and see her

and if he looks back to see her for even a moment even a second to confirm

that she's there

or to check on her as this journey out of hell happens she will go back to the underworld

so the story goes that they're going along they're going along

and then he turns around and I believe the reason he turns around is

because he hears her slip and he just instinctively turns back to check on her

and he forgets for just a second that he's not supposed to do

that and his heart gets the better of him

and he turns around and he faces her

and then she gets sent back into the underworld

and it's a very tragic story

but I feel like that's the conversation I've been having with my own soul recently where I'm looking

and dissecting all of these past versions of myself

and I'm looking back at them and I'm like

that version of me cannot exist anymore either

because it's not helping me it's not healthy or I'm just not

that person anymore and there's a sense of of longing where I'm like no I don't want

that version of me to go away anymore

because it felt like safety it felt like comfort it felt like who I was at that time

but it's kind of like the final stage of grief is acceptance where a lot of people want to think

that the story of Orpheus and Eurydice is a very complex way of talking about grief, where the final stage of acceptance,

where the final stage of acceptance is to turn around and face what you have been trying to not face, the inevitable.

And I feel like when I first started this channel, there was this clinging to this past self, this very obsessive ballerina who really,

really, really was working herself into the ground and was trying everything she could to be the best she could.

And while I believe there's pieces of her that had the best of intentions, that version of me can no longer exist as who I am now.

There has to be a sense of balance.

There has to be a sense of peace.

You can't be running from your past anymore through overworking.

And there was someone at the restaurant who, I didn't really like the way he phrased this necessarily because it felt almost manipulative in the way he spoke,

but it was this church group that came in.

And I have nothing against religion, but we were talking and he was like, oh, you just display grace.

What did you used to do for your work.

And I was like, oh, I was a ballerina for about nine years.

And he was like, oh, you, you can tell from the way you present yourself and the way you walk around, there's just a certain grace that you have.

I'm like, yeah, I kind of, you know, was trained into me from an early age.

He was like, you know, God's speaking through me right now.

And he's telling me to tell you that you should be a dancer again, you should dance again, that should be something you do.

And I felt almost a sort of resentment towards him because I was like, one, I didn't tell him that I had to quit because of illness,

but two, because that version of me just doesn't exist anymore.

She's not someone I wish to connect to.

She's a very wounded individual.

She's someone that was trying to work herself into the ground as a form of self-hatred

because she just wanted to not be herself.

There's many things wrong with that version of myself and that way of thinking

that drove me further and further away from my own love and peace of myself.

and I felt like when he said that in that moment I felt like Orpheus facing Eurydice for a second

and I was watching that version of myself

that mask just kind of fade away for a second

and I was like I'm not

that person anymore I didn't say anything I just quietly agreed with him

and walked away from the table but I'm not that person anymore that's not who I am the same way with

I'm not who I was at eight years old.

I'm not who I was at 21 years old when I still didn't speak.

I'm not who I was at 10 years old.

I'm not these past versions of myself.

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I am who I am now, which is the 25 year old version of myself that desperately wants the best of myself, but refuses to destroy myself in the process.

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And I think a lot of us, when we try to improve, we desperately try to cling on to the past versions of ourselves because we found comfort in it.

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We found comfort in the destruction of ourselves.

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We found comfort in hating ourselves.

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We found comfort in the desperation that they carried.

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We find comfort in the chaos of a past version of ourselves, even though we know for a fact it is not healthy to hang on to.

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And I think the reason why self-improvement actually does hurt

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so bad is because you have to let go of a lot of yourself in order to take that step forward.

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There's a load you have to unload.

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There's a weight you have to offload from yourself in order to step into this new version.

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There are mindsets you have to let go of.

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There are habits you have to be free from.

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and when you let go of this you look in the mirror

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and you don't recognize yourself and the reason you don't recognize yourself is

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because you're building yourself from the ground up as a brand new person

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but for a second when you don't recognize your reflection

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and you think to yourself who the fuck is

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that who the fuck am i is possibly scarier than letting go of any past version of yourself

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because for a second during self-improvement you become completely unrecognizable to yourself as you build the new version of yourself.

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And that is why I do not like self-improvement, because for a moment, I become completely unrecognizable to myself.

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I cling to past versions.

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I revert back to old selves.

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There's this voice screaming in my head telling me that to improve is to not be safe.

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To improve is to not be a better person.

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To move forward from this hurt

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or to move forward from this place I used to be in is the scariest thing in the world.

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And it is, but you have to let Eurydice he go?

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You have to let her lower.

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And I think I've been caught in the space between Orpheus and Eurydice where parts of me are being released,

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but I'm also desperately grieving who I used to be at the same time, and that can be a difficult spot to be in.

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But I think to move forward and to let go of the past

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and to not be scared of everything so much and to recognize

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that you're going to become a new person is a scary moment yes

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but you have to face it but it's also scary

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because you have to let go of all these past versions of you

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that built you up to be who you are today

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and it just gets overwhelming sometimes to think

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that every version i've ever been of myself has led me to where i am today you know

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and that can be a good thing i don't know like i said i'm caught between the space of orpheus

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and eurydice in that acceptance part of grief of motivation

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and self-improvement where I desperately wish to cling to old versions of myself, but I also know it is time to let them go.

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Again, I don't know if this makes any sense, but that's just where my head and my heart is at today.

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I hope we're having a great day wherever we are.

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I love you.

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Have a good night.

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빼놓을 수 없는 단어와 관용구

soul searching: 자신의 내면을 깊이 탐구하는 것. "요즘은 soul searching을 많이 하고 있어요"처럼 사용합니다.
backsliding: 좋은 습관이나 상태에서 다시 나빠지는 것. "건강 관리에 backsliding했어요"라고 말할 수 있습니다.
chip away: 조금씩 제거하다. "나쁜 생각을 chip away해 나가고 있어요"와 같이 사용합니다.
figment of my imagination: 상상의 산물. "그 사람은 내 imagination의 figment일 뿐이었어요"처럼 표현합니다.

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문형	영상 속 표현
현재완료진행 have/has been + -ing — 전에 시작해 지금도 계속되는 동작	I've been doing · I've been finding · I've been backsliding
“used to” used to + 동사 — 지금은 아닌 과거의 습관이나 상태	used to do · used to be
현재완료 have/has + 과거분사 — 과거의 일이 지금도 관련이 있을 때	haven't really been · I've seen · has always been
수동태 be + 과거분사 — 누가 하는지보다 무슨 일이 일어나는지에 초점	be lost · is not allowed · was trained

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쉐도잉 연습: Self improvement means letting go of yourself - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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