Shadowing Practice: Finding Peace Through Family Estrangement - Learn English Speaking with Video
Les maken...
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it's such a thin line between like what's appropriate
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and what's gone too far because as therapists we do see our clients suffering
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and as lindsay mentioned i don't say like you need to leave this relationship
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but i might think like i wonder how you will feel
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if you did is this a new thing
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because i mean for many many many years of doing shows
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and talking to families from all over the country and the world.
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When there's a crisis, people just sort of figured it out or came together at Thanksgiving and had a big fight.
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But is this new?
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Yeah, I mean, there's always been estrangements, right?
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Forever there's been estrangements.
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But it's new the way we think about family.
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There's been a radical change in the way that we think about family.
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The old days of honor thy mother and thy father, respect thy elders, families forever, has given way to this much more of an emphasis personal happiness,
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personal growth, my identity, my political beliefs, my mental health.
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So much so that today protecting my mental health is the single most common thing
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that I see in every single letter from every estranged child.
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And has this been exacerbated or has this increased because of social media?
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Oh, there's no question.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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Because you've got 2 billion hashtags toxic family.
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And everybody's got to, you know, if you line up and you're an estranged parent, you're gonna get onto a Facebook site.
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If you're a strange adult child, you're gonna probably get onto Reddit or something like that.
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And you're gonna get support for your perspective.
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But these aren't people who actually know your parents or know your adult child.
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They're gonna kind of tell you what you wanna hear.
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So there's this very inflammatory reaction that people have as a result of it.
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And partly that happens because we've become so divided as a society.
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People are kind of looking for their tribes because their tribes are, you know, they don't have them anymore.
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We're lonely.
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We have rising rates of mental ill use.
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But your tribe used to be your family.
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Your tribe used to be your family, exactly.
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And it still could if we figure out how to talk to each other.
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Well, it's so interesting because, you know, I've been talking to people for a number of years.
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And I remember back in the day, meaning 80s, 90s, the aughts, the very idea of having a disagreement with your family
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and the very idea of divorcing your parent or removing yourself from a toxic situation was a foreign concept to people.
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But now it's like common understanding.
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It's common understanding.
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It's also positioned as a sort of virtuous act of protecting our mental health.
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And you know what?
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Sometimes it is.
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There are truly abusive, difficult parents and family members.
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But there's a lot of people getting estranged today who aren't abusive, who are loving, decent, hardworking, loving, caring parents, and they're being cut off.
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And part of the problem with us as therapists is I hope we'll talk about because as therapists,
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we become what the sociologists Alison Pugh calls detachment brokers where we help people not feel guilty
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about feeling responsible for our parents.
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That gets sort of pathologized as being codependent or parentified or that kind of thing.
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And therapists are sort of greenlighting a lot of estrangements, particularly when you use language like, oh, your mom's a narcissist or your dad's a borderline
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or they're a sociopath or they're gaslighting you or they're a boundary crosser.
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And once you say that to somebody, once you tell somebody that their parent or their family member or their child is that way, you just greenlit them cutting them off.
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Because now it's a virtuous act of protecting your mental health.
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I think that's a problem.
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Okay.
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Dr. Linz Gibson is here, and she's a clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author of Adult Children of Emotionally Inmature Parents.
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And I hear it is sold now over 2 million copies and many people credit your book as the catalyst,
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actually, for this surge in adult children going no contact.
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Now, her upcoming book is How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child.
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So, Dr. Gibson, what is it that you were seeing in your own practice?
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Yeah, as a psychotherapist, what I was seeing was people coming in,
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not identifying the problem as being with their parents or their family members.
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Usually it was some other kind of stress.
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It could be work stress or friend stress, that kind of thing.
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And then about three or four sessions in, they would start talking about what was going on with the family.
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Sort of like their daily life stress.
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And from there, we would begin to get a picture of this old underlying tension
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that had been going on for a long time with the
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But very few people early in the day would come in and say, I have a problem with my mother or I have a problem with my son.
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They would come in with some other life stress, and then we would get to the family issue.
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What I found- Is the family issue at the root of most things?
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Well, I don't know if it's at the root or whether it just resonates with what's going on now.
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It's very hard to tell.
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But what I found was that the coping mechanisms
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that they had learned to use with their parents
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when their parents were either trying to control them or get them to do what they wanted
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were being transferred to their current relationships or their work relationships.
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Could you give us some factors that you believe make it necessary to protect somebody's emotional health by going no contact?
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I mean, when you say to someone, or do you say to them, perhaps you should go no contact.
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Yeah, I don't say that.
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You don't say that.
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I don't say that.
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Let them decide for themselves.
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Well, my job as a therapist is to help people...
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Come to their own conclusions.
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Well, not only come to their own conclusions, but I want them to be able to turn within and test out their own inner guidance.
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In other words, get back in touch with their own feelings and how things affect them.
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And lots of times when you've had a dominant parent, that ability to know what you actually feel think has been messed with okay
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because it becomes an issue of you love your parent by agreeing with what they see
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so actually no i'm all about helping people to understand the dynamics of the relationship how it's affecting them
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and then they make the decision about what they want to
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do well how do you you talk to them about your emotionally immature parent, and how do you determine whether a parent is emotionally immature?
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Yeah.
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I really stay away from those terms in psychotherapy, because I'm not there.
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But you wrote a whole book about it.
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I did write the book.
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I did write the book.
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When I'm coming in, I'm coming to the lady.
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I'm coming to the lady who wrote the book about emotionally immature parents, OK?
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Absolutely whether you mention it or not in our session.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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But when I'm talking with them in the session, I'm describing behavior.
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They're describing behavior
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and we're talking about the effect of those behaviors on them
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down the road you know once they've read the book yeah then we might use
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that shorthand about emotional immaturity but at the time
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we're just trying to understand their subjective experience of that parent
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okay i want to bring in nedra goldberg to wab nedra is a licensed therapist
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and a relationship expert known as the Boundary Queen on social media.
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And she's the author of the New York Times bestseller, Drama Free, a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships.
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And her upcoming book is The Balancing Act, Creating Healthy Dependency and Connection Without Losing Yourself.
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Welcome.
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I see you nodding here and you're nodding for both of them.
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So what does that mean?
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Yeah.
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I mean, I think it's such a thin line between like what's appropriate and what's gone too far because as therapists,
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we do see our clients suffering.
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And as Lindsay mentioned, I don't say like you need to leave this relationship, but I might think like,
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I wonder how you will feel if you did because there's so much pain for so long.
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But you wrote, you wrote that no contact is not the first option as much as a last resort.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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And when is it a last resort, do you think?
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I think when you've assessed whether the relationship is safe, if you can handle the consequences of actually leaving that relationship,
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it's our work to help our clients determine, is the relationship just toxic or is it annoying?
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Are these some behaviors we can live with with people?
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Is it possible for us to have less contact instead of no contact?
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Have we set expectations?
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Are they even clear about a problem?
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Because sometimes we haven't talked to people about the problems we're talking about in therapy or with our friends.
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And they need to know in order for us to have a better relationship with them.
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Thank you.
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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les
Deze spreekles op niveau B2 is gebaseerd op de video “Finding Peace Through Family Estrangement”. Deze woorden komen het vaakst terug: parent, relationship, therapist, contact. Deze video bevat 134 zinnen en 1576 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 9:35. De spreker praat in een natuurlijk tempo van ongeveer 164 woorden per minuut, dicht bij een alledaags gesprek. 86% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden; de rest kun je beter vooraf bekijken.
Belangrijke woorden in deze video
De 15 moeilijkste woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| therapist zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/ | therapeut, therapeute |
| distress zelfstandig naamwoord | /dɪˈstɹɛs/ | druk, stress |
| estrange werkwoord | /ɪˈstɹeɪnd͡ʒ/ | vervreemden |
| estrangement zelfstandig naamwoord | /ɪsˈtɹeɪnd͡ʒmənt/ | vervreemding |
| virtuous bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈvɝt͡ʃuəs/ | deugdzaam |
| nod werkwoord | /nɑd/ | knikken |
| boundary zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | grens |
| bestseller zelfstandig naamwoord | bestseller, succesboek | |
| borderline zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈboɹ.dɚˌlaɪn/ | grens, grenslijn |
| detachment zelfstandig naamwoord | /dɪˈtæt͡ʃmənt/ | scheiding, losraking |
| exacerbate werkwoord | /ɪɡˈzæsɚˌbeɪt/ | verslechteren, verergeren |
| hardworking bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈhɑːɹdˌwɜːɹ.kɪŋ/ | ijverig, vlijtig |
| immaturity zelfstandig naamwoord | /ɪməˈt͡ʃʊɹɪti/ | onvolwassenheid |
| narcissist zelfstandig naamwoord | narcist | |
| psychotherapist zelfstandig naamwoord | psychotherapeut, psychotherapeute |
Phrasal verbs die je zult horen
| Woord | Betekenis |
|---|---|
| figure out werkwoord | uitvogelen, er achter komen |
Zinnen om te herhalen
Korte, volledige zinnen uit de video die je in alledaagse gesprekken kunt gebruiken:
- I think that's a problem.
- Gibson, what is it that you were seeing in your own practice?
- When I'm coming in, I'm coming to the lady.
- Are these some behaviors we can live with with people?
- Have we set expectations?
Grammatica in deze video
De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:
| Structuur | In de video |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + werkwoord — een vroegere gewoonte of toestand die niet meer klopt | used to be |
| Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt | has given · we've become · has been messed |
| Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet | been exacerbated · being cut · is sold |
Uitspraak om op te letten
De spreker gebruikt 45 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals don't, I'm, they're. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.
- De “th”-klanken: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, psychotherapy /ˌsaɪkoʊˈθɛɹəpi/, sociopath /ˈsəʊ.si.ə(ʊ)ˌpæθ/, unhealthy /ʌnˈhɛl.θi/
- De klanken “sh” en “zh”: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, shorthand /ˈʃɔɹthænd/, hashtag /ˈhæʃˌtæɡ/, expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/
- Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, exacerbate /ɪɡˈzæsɚˌbeɪt/, immaturity /ɪməˈt͡ʃʊɹɪti/, psychotherapy /ˌsaɪkoʊˈθɛɹəpi/, sociopath /ˈsəʊ.si.ə(ʊ)ˌpæθ/
Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:
- Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: estrange /ɪˈstɹeɪnd͡ʒ/, nod /nɑd/, abusive /əˈbju.sɪv/, shorthand /ˈʃɔɹthænd/, hashtag /ˈhæʃˌtæɡ/
- /æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: detachment /dɪˈtæt͡ʃmənt/, exacerbate /ɪɡˈzæsɚˌbeɪt/, shorthand /ˈʃɔɹthænd/, sociopath /ˈsəʊ.si.ə(ʊ)ˌpæθ/, hashtag /ˈhæʃˌtæɡ/
- /g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: greenlight /ˈɡɹiːnlaɪt/, exacerbate /ɪɡˈzæsɚˌbeɪt/, disagreement /dɪsəˈɡɹiːmənt/, hashtag /ˈhæʃˌtæɡ/
Zo oefen je met deze video
- Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
- Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
- Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als therapist, distress, estrange.
Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.