Shadowing Practice: Stop Giving Second Chances to People Who Haven't Changed - Learn English Speaking with Video
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I'm about to say something that nobody wants to hear a relationship or couples therapist say.
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I understand that.
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I know that I am not supposed to say what I'm about to say out loud, but it must be said.
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Everybody does not deserve a second chance.
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Say it with me.
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Everybody does not deserve a second chance.
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That is my opinion and I am standing on it.
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I'm Dr. Baldwin.
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I'm a licensed therapist and I've been a relationship therapist for a long time.
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I know we've been told to be the bigger person.
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We have been told that forgiveness is for you, not for them.
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And that is true.
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Forgiveness is absolutely for you.
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But second chances, that's a different conversation.
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And we're having it today because it needs to be said.
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A second chance has nothing to do with how much work you've done on yourself.
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Giving someone a second chance does not make you more evolved or enlightened.
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It doesn't even make you more emotionally mature.
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It just means that you have made a decision.
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Making a decision is very important.
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It needs to be an informed decision.
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If you don't know what an informed decision means, it means your decision is rooted in information.
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An informed decision means you are choosing something based on clear understanding of the facts, risks, benefits, and possible outcomes.
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You are not guessing.
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You have taken the time to gather the right information and considered all your options.
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You understand how the choice could impact you.
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It means that your decision is intentional.
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grounded, made with awareness, not impulses.
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With that said, the only thing, and I mean the only thing, that earns someone a second chance is a perspective shift.
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Not an apology, not time, not them saying they've changed, a full perspective shift.
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The way that they see you is different.
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The way that they treat you has changed.
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The way that they talk to you, talk about you, show up for you, it looks different than it did before.
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And not only can you see it, you can feel it too.
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You won't have to overanalyze.
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You won't have to convince yourself of anything.
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When someone's perspective of you has genuinely shifted, you will feel it.
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It will be in the room with you you will feel the shift in your body.
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But when it hasn't, when they're saying everything right, but doing everything the same, that will feel confusing.
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That person has earned access to you again without doing the work to deserve it.
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Access and second chances are two completely different things.
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And giving someone access to you without a perspective shift is permission.
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It is permission to play in your face again for the second time.
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Giving a person a second chance who has not had the shift in how they see you
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and treat you is a nail in a coffin.
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That is permission to play.
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Again, now let's say you decide to give someone a second chance.
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Let's say the shift is real.
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You can see it.
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You can feel it.
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You have made the decision.
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You cannot hold them in contempt for something you have forgiven.
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That is rule number one in couples therapy.
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The only rule that matters once you open that door because contempt is a thing that poisons everything.
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You can ask John and Julie Gottman.
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If you don't know who they are, look them up.
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They say contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.
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Contempt is the eye roll that says, I actually never forgave you.
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Or the way that you bring up what they did every time there is a conflict, even when it has nothing to do with whatever you're talking about.
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Contempt is you letting them back in while quietly deciding they'll never be able to do anything right again.
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And that's unfair to them and to you.
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If you decide to give someone another shot, you give them a real one.
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You stop treating them like they're guilty until proven innocent.
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Now, that does not mean you stop paying attention.
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That does not mean you start ignoring red flags.
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That means that you let them old ones go.
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Because saying you forgive and actually releasing contempt are not the same thing.
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A lot of couples say that they have moved on, but you can still see it in the tone.
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The body language, the sarcasm, and how they interpret each other, that's pretty obvious.
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It tells you that the injury is still active.
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Contempt keeps the wound open.
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You let that person back in, but you stayed in the place that they hurt you, which means the relationship can't actually go anywhere.
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You're both stuck.
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This is hard work.
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Just know, if contempt is present, forgiveness is incomplete.
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And if forgiveness is real, Contempt has nowhere to live.
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Please remember this.
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After everything that is said here, a second chance is earned.
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It is earned by someone who holds you in the highest regard consistently without you having to ask for it.
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If the regard isn't there, the second chance is not warranted.
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In my opinion, if you decide to give it, you give it fully or don't give it at all.
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Because half in holding on to contempt is one foot in and one foot out the door.
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That's a slower version of the same hurt.
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And you deserve better than that.
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You deserve people who see you clearly and choose you anyway.
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The second chances you give should be moving towards that.
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So let me give you an example.
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You have a friend who is chronically late to your events.
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And this puts you in a position to not mess with them.
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Okay?
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So you end the friendship.
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After a few years, you're thinking, hmm, I miss them.
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I want to bring them back into my life.
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And so you agree to move forward in a different path.
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Okay, so now you have events and your friend is showing up on time.
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And when they get there, you are reminding them of what it was like back then.
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You're here saying, nice of you to show up on time.
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And now the relationship is stuck in a pattern in the past.
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You keep repeating the pattern even though they've changed.
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This is keeping you both stuck and this is not a second chance.
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This is punishment.
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If you really wanted this to be a second chance, you would validate the effort to show up for you on time.
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And then you start a new pattern of interactions.
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Now you got the friend that you wanted all along, somebody to show up for you on time to your events.
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And that is how we keep growing.
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That is how we strengthen our relationships.
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when we decide to give a second chance.
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Now, let's be clear.
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If your friend starts showing up late again, you should evaluate the friendship again.
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You should evaluate to see if this is working for you and for them.
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And if it's not, you're not obligated to give anybody a second chance.
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So at the end of the day, this episode is not about whether or not you should give somebody a second chance.
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It's about what happens when you decide that you want to give a second chance and if that second chance is warranted.
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So if you're given a second chance, remember, you have to forgive so there is no contempt.
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And that person has to show that they have changed.
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Otherwise, you're trapped in a pattern.
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And that's what we're trying to avoid.
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So let me know in the comments, who are you giving a second chance and who can hit the door on the way out?
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Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
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Don't let it hit you where the good Lord split you. That is, that's funny.
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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les
Deze spreekles op niveau B2 is gebaseerd op de video “Stop Giving Second Chances to People Who Haven't Changed”. Deze woorden komen het vaakst terug: chance, contempt, decision, shift, relationship. Deze video bevat 120 zinnen en 1332 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 7:14. De spreker praat snel, ongeveer 184 woorden per minuut, dus reken op verbonden en ingeslikte klanken. 89% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden, dus de woordenschat is goed te volgen.
Belangrijke woorden in deze video
De 15 moeilijkste woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| contempt zelfstandig naamwoord | /kənˈtɛmpt/ | verachting, minachting |
| forgiveness zelfstandig naamwoord | /fɚˈɡɪvnəs/ | vergeving, vergiffenis |
| therapist zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/ | therapeut, therapeute |
| inform werkwoord | /ɪnˈfɔɹm/ | informeren, inlichten |
| overanalyze werkwoord | overanalyseren | |
| validate werkwoord | /ˈvæl.ɪ.deɪt/ | valideren |
| sarcasm zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈsɑːɹˌkæzəm/ | sarcasme |
| confuse werkwoord | /kənˈfjuːz/ | verwarren, in de war brengen |
| intentional bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/ | opzettelijk |
| evolve werkwoord | /ɪˈvɑlv/ | ontwikkelen |
| coffin zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈkɔfɪn/ | doodskist, kist |
| interpret werkwoord | /ɪnˈtɜː.pɹɪt/ | interpreteren |
| incomplete bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ɪn.kəmˈpliːt/ | incompleet, onvolledig |
| strengthen werkwoord | /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/ | versterken |
| apology zelfstandig naamwoord | /əˈpɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/ | verontschuldiging |
Phrasal verbs die je zult horen
| Woord | Betekenis |
|---|---|
| bring up werkwoord | opvoeden |
| show up werkwoord | tentoonstellen |
Zinnen om te herhalen
Korte, volledige zinnen uit de video die je in alledaagse gesprekken kunt gebruiken:
- It doesn't even make you more emotionally mature.
- You won't have to overanalyze.
- You won't have to convince yourself of anything.
- Let's say the shift is real.
- You keep repeating the pattern even though they've changed.
Grammatica in deze video
De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:
| Structuur | In de video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt | I've been · we've been told · have been told |
| Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet | must be said · we've been told · have been told |
| Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding | someone who holds · people who see · friend who is |
Uitspraak om op te letten
De spreker gebruikt 32 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals you're, don't, I'm. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.
- De “th”-klanken: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/
- De klanken “sh” en “zh”: intentional /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/
- Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: intentional /ɪnˈtɛnʃənəl/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, apology /əˈpɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/
Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:
- Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: confuse /kənˈfjuːz/, evolve /ɪˈvɑlv/
- /æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: validate /ˈvæl.ɪ.deɪt/, sarcasm /ˈsɑːɹˌkæzəm/
- /g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: forgiveness /fɚˈɡɪvnəs/, obligate /ˈɒb.lɪˌɡeɪt/
Zo oefen je met deze video
- Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
- Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
- Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als contempt, forgiveness, therapist.
Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.