Shadowing Practice: 2689 - Don’t Want to Sound Harsh? Soften the Blow with These Phrases - Learn English Speaking with Video

Hey, Michelle, how are you today?

Hi, I'm good.

How are you?

Excellent.

I have a question for you.

I know you're not a person who is normally harsh or blunt, but have you ever said something and immediately thought, oh, that sounded way too harsh?

Oh, yeah, of course.

It definitely happens.

Sometimes I'll, you know, if I'm, I don't know.

I'm trying to think of a specific situation, but there are definitely times where you say something and you're like, Oh God, I wish like,

I hope that they didn't take that the wrong way.

Or, you know, when this happens to me the most is in Spanish or French, because in English, you know, in your first language, you know,

a little better how to soften things and all of the words to cushion everything with.

But when you're learning a language, so for example, we were in Mexico and there was a world cup game and I wanted to ask, there were little, little taqueria.

We wanted to ask them to turn the TV on

and I'm trying to think I'm like how would I say like can you like please let me know

if the tv's all I knew how to say was like turn the tv on please like

that probably sounds blunt I'm like trying to say it nicely

and I'm like I need to look up like the nicer words to couch

that in right uh yeah yeah we're always I think in English we soften things quite a bit yeah um

so we're going to be talking about

that today um we are answering a question from a listener

today a really good one um the question is is there a phrase i can say before something

that might be taken as harsh or blunt to soften the blow

and that comes to us from pay yao so thank you

so much for that question yeah i mean we definitely do have phrases for this

so this is about saying something before, right?

So it's not like, I mean, we could also talk about what to say after at another point, right?

Like, oh, if you think that you said something that sounded harsh, but this is about what to say before to soften the blow.

What does it mean to soften the blow?

Yeah.

So that anything that makes it not feel so direct or blunt or harsh, just like soften the blow, if you were to literally soften a blow,

that would mean that if you're like punching something and you don't hit quite as hard, you would be softening the blow.

We also use this idiomatically, metaphorically with language, something that might come across as really harsh or strong.

We'll soften it by using a lot of language phrases that we use to soften.

And I also want to give Pei Yao a little bit of a shout out.

She is in our community.

She comes to Q&A every Wednesday.

And I think that's where she asked this question was in Q&A

or maybe at one of our other live speaking events she's amazing

so hello and shout out to payow thank you for always all of the great questions

but yeah i'm excited for this because this is very cultural too

that you might want to make sure that you're not being too harsh

or too direct and you might want to know like what phrases can i use to make sure

if i feel like something might come across a little harshly how can i something.

Yeah.

This is, this is a really good question.

Um, yeah.

Um, and so, yeah, we're going to go over some phrases that you can use.

Um, they're just, I think they're so good for connection.

Um, you know, and so let's, let's go through them before we do, we want you to hit the follow button wherever you're listening to the podcast.

So you never miss anything from us.

Um, Wherever you're listening, hit follow, or if you are watching on YouTube, definitely hit subscribe.

Yes.

Awesome.

All right.

Let's go into the first one here, which is to say, no offense.

And this is one of these phrases.

We can either use it when we want the other person to know we're not trying to offend them with our comment, or, you know, it's interesting.

We will say this at the beginning or the end.

We'll say, no offense, but I found that presentation a little confusing, or we might tack it on at the end if we're worried someone will take offense.

And then we'll say no offense.

Right.

Yes.

I mean, uh, or no offense, but that comment seemed a bit out of pocket, which yeah, out of pockets, an interesting phrase.

I am hearing that more and more.

It kind of means that it's like unexpected or not inappropriate, really.

It just means like not necessarily, I think just unexpected and maybe not ideal.

Like out of, I'm trying to think of how else we would say that.

It's to say that something is not necessarily the best thing for the situation

so not inappropriate but just sort of not ideal okay interesting um yeah

so but sometimes i i personally think sometimes

when we say no offense it is offensive it's to me sometimes no offense in itself sounds a little harsh

but not always do you know do you know what you

mean yeah this is like of course it's better to just not say something offensive

than to like say something offensive and then be like no offense yeah you usually

when you say some

when you say this you know you're saying something offensive right

the better move is to just not say the offensive thing

right right exactly yeah you're saying that's funny yeah yeah

if especially if you're saying it before like no offense

but you know it it no offense it's hard

because your shoes right exactly don't say anything offensive right exactly if you have to say no offense before something,

then maybe consider why you're saying that.

It's all about the first place.

Right.

We use this phrase.

And the delivery.

Yeah, that's true too.

Like if you think someone might come, something might come across as harsh or mean or intense, but you really don't intend that, maybe you would soften it with this.

Right.

You want the other person to know that you're not angry, that you're not intending offense.

It sort of prepares the other person for what's coming.

but yeah I agree Michelle that I think often it's tricky

because it's almost like a phrase

that could trigger people they're like how about you just don't say anything offensive yeah

so but if you do want to use it you could say something like no offense

but and then whatever you're gonna say that might be blunt

100

so like no offense but that outfit might not be appropriate for the event or no offense, but I don't think that plan will work.

101

What's another way that we could use offense?

102

Yeah, we have sort of a longer phrase where you might say, you know, please don't take offense to this, but, and that is softening it even more, right?

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Because it's true that no offense, but is still pretty as kind of blunt.

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So this is like adding more words to make it softer, right?

105

Don't take offense to this, but your message came off a bit rude.

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So this is where you're trying to call someone out for something you maybe found offensive

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and then you're trying to start

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that in like a respectful way like you know I don't mean to be offensive

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but I'm gonna say something that I think we need to talk about

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but you are offensive yeah exactly not to be offensive

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but you offended me um but I do think

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that yeah don't take offense

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so this is a little bit soft softer than done no offense right

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if you say um no offense but your message came off a bit rude, it's like, it's almost like a little more argumentative.

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It's like not really cooling things down in my opinion.

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All right.

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We're going to share a couple more ways to say this because yeah, no offense is not the softest, right?

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There are a lot that are even more polite.

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So for example, I don't mean anything by this, but, and then you'll say something that there is a chance someone would consider blunt or direct, right?

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It's trying to keep the conversation light.

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It's not overly emotional.

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So you might say, I don't mean anything by this, but you seemed a little angry when you were talking earlier.

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So it's interesting because if you're going to tell someone like, are you mad?

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You're going to ask them like, are you mad at me?

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You would maybe want to say something to let them know like this is a polite, friendly conversation.

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Right, right.

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Or I don't mean anything by this, but that joke didn't really land.

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Ooh, and this could be if someone tells like an inappropriate joke, maybe it's racist, maybe it's off color and you feel like you don't want to just, not only are you not going to laugh,

129

but you don't want to let it lie, right?

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You feel like you need to say something and then it's tricky because when we say, I don't mean anything by this,

131

it's kind of is saying that you don't maybe stand by what you're saying.

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So if you really do want to be clear with someone and let them know, I'm not okay with what you said, then you probably would just say, you know, I didn't love that joke.

133

Right.

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Right.

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Sometimes we do need to just be blunt.

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Right.

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Right.

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It depends.

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We don't, you know, it really, who you're talking to, how bad is their offense.

140

Right.

141

Because a lot of these phrases, you're undermining what you're saying by using this phrase that softens.

142

So it depends on if you want to do that or not, right?

143

Right, right.

144

So you have to really think about that and how you want to come off and how strong you want to sound.

145

So, but it is good to have these tools.

146

Yes.

147

Hey, quick question.

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Do you want to feel more confident when you speak English?

149

If so, we made a free guide for you.

150

It'll help you avoid those common mistakes and start speaking more naturally in real conversations.

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Go grab it in the description below.

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And if this is helpful for you, make sure that you like and subscribe.

153

We're here five times a week to help you connect in English.

154

All right, we have two more.

155

The first one is please don't take this the wrong way, but very similar to I don't mean anything by this, right?

156

And this will emphasize that, of course, your intention is not to anger or offend someone.

157

So please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could be more organized.

158

Yeah, or please don't take this the wrong way, but your tone sounded a bit too serious.

159

So this is interesting.

160

This is if you're giving feedback to someone or correcting someone's behavior.

161

You're using a phrase like this to soften it because if you say it by itself, it would feel very harsh.

162

I think that this one is my favorite.

163

This one to me sounds the most polite, but what do you think?

164

I agree.

165

I like this.

166

Please don't take this the wrong way.

167

You're not backing off from what you said.

168

You're not saying I don't mean this.

169

I don't mean anything by it.

170

Right.

171

That's you're trying to remove any possibility that they would think that you are angry about something.

172

Right.

173

Yes.

174

Or here we'll do one more for the record.

175

I'm not upset, but so this emphasizes that you're OK, but something negative did happen.

176

So for the record, I'm not upset, but I wish you had told me earlier.

177

yeah and it's interesting

178

if you just say i wish you had told me earlier then we would assume you are upset right

179

so we preface with this in order to share

180

that like yes i'm sharing my feelings i'm talking about this

181

but i'm i'm not upset so only use this if you really aren't upset

182

right exactly um like i also might say like everything's okay

183

but right or like it's okay but i wish

184

if you really are

185

if you are still upset right you want to be honest about the emotions like I'm fine

186

but I want to talk about this yeah

187

so for the record I'm not upset but that caught me off guard

188

or you could say everything's fine but

189

that caught me off guard yeah I like

190

that okay should we do a role play before we head out let's do it you

191

and I are friends here and we just met up with a mutual friend Sarah

192

and I came off a bit rude in our conversation

193

so you want to start us out uh oh okay um

194

hey i noticed something a little earlier please don't take this the wrong way

195

but i think you cut sarah off a couple times oh wow really i didn't notice yeah

196

and no offense

197

but it came across as a little intense got it i definitely didn't mean to do

198

that i know i i don't mean anything by this but maybe just pause a bit more next time.

199

Yeah, that's fair.

200

Thanks for telling me. Of course.

201

Thanks for being so receptive.

202

I know you didn't mean any of it to come off that way.

203

I could totally have this conversation with people because I do.

204

I tend to, I'll get excited about something I want to share.

205

I might interrupt or talk over someone.

206

You guys have heard me do this on the podcast.

207

And so I could totally see a friend letting me know this, be like, you're interrupting me a lot or like someone else.

208

I'd be My bad.

209

Thank you.

210

Yeah.

211

Nope.

212

Take it.

213

Yeah.

214

So I said, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you cut Sarah off a few, a couple of times.

215

Yeah.

216

So this is nice to say, don't take this the wrong way, right?

217

You're just sharing like, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

218

I don't want to offend you, but I'm sharing something with you that I would want you to share with me, right?

219

This is a good phrase that, that does a lot of work there to save the connection.

220

If you're going to give some kind of feedback.

221

Yes, I agree.

222

Yeah.

223

And then no offense, but it came across a little intense.

224

So you're feeling like it's bigger than, you know, it's not enough to just say, Hey, FYI, this happened.

225

You would then want to say like, and I don't want you to take offense, right?

226

No offense, but it came across a little intense.

227

So here you're, you're digging in more, right?

228

You're wanting them to know, like, I don't want you to be offended, but I need you to know that probably

229

some kind of correction needs to be made right um

230

and then i said i don't mean anything by this

231

but maybe just pause a bit more next time

232

so this is interesting

233

because to me i'm like all right like this is like

234

i i don't feel like i would say this last one

235

like i feel like it's my guess i think it's like

236

a little too much it's like too like it's like oh

237

like all right like you i i already said it yeah

238

i would just lay off right we're wanting to use all of them in a role play here yeah

239

but i agree if in a regular conversation you probably would not use all three of these

240

because then you're piling on right yeah like and you smell bad

241

and and i don't want to be friends anymore no offense

242

and i don't like your outfit like it's like

243

so you probably just would use one like use one correct something

244

and then let it go

245

because otherwise the yeah at this point it of felt uncomfortable

246

with the other person like okay sorry i'm gonna like all right why don't i how about

247

if i go yeah yeah like maybe yeah exactly

248

so i would recommend just one one in a conversation of any of these

249

and this is you know according to someone's own style

250

but for both you

251

and i michelle we would use one of these we would share the feedback

252

and then we'd change the subject even the second

253

if you have to it was okay

254

but certainly the third was where i was like all right lay off Like, I'm sorry.

255

I get it.

256

But, and it's funny because it's like, you know, we're talking about how to not be blunt.

257

And yeah, you can use as many as these nice, you know, ways to start it off as you want.

258

But you're still being critical over and over again.

259

Yeah.

260

So like overall, it just, it kind of defeats the purpose of using the nice language because it's just a little too much.

261

But for the purpose of the role play, we want you to have it.

262

But it's also important to let you know that

263

that would just be piling it on all just like now

264

you're just blunt right i think that's actually a really great takeaway for this episode

265

because like you said michelle this is a really important connection skill on both sides right

266

so yes we want to soften our phrases whenever we are pointing out something

267

that might feel mean or critical

268

but also you want to really be careful about how much you do

269

that because no matter how much you add this softening language it's still something critical it's still a correction right

270

so we want to kind of minimize how much we do

271

that or the person will kind of feel attacked right yeah then i feel like pretty embarrassed like

272

so so yeah we have to think about that in

273

that way as well um don't overdo it with the with the critical feedback yeah um

274

so all right

275

but let's give an episode for you guys to check out

276

just recently we did 2686 of the all ears english podcast it was joke pun

277

or prank what's the difference now this is really interesting

278

because yeah these are these are all a little bit different

279

and good to know that was really fun

280

if you missed it scroll up

281

and check it out i shared a couple of real zingers some good jokes on that one

282

so don't miss it okay i want to listen yes you

283

should all right well all right i'm glad we talked about this today

284

and no offense but i think it's time to go sounds good we'll see you guys next time bye

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