Shadowing Practice: 4 Mindset Shifts That Will Finally Help You MASTER DETACHMENT - Learn English Speaking with YouTube

True detachment is not acting cold and aloof.

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True detachment is not acting cold and aloof.

It's not about not caring about anything.

It's not about numbing yourself to the world.

That is not detachment.

That is disconnection.

And it's just another form of control in disguise.

True detachment is freedom.

It's about being free from the need to control everyone and everything around you.

It's about stopping the exhausting cycle of trying to control how people see you,

fixing problems that aren't yours to fix,

and constantly trying to control how your future is unfolding.

These four concepts from one of my favorite books,

The Courage to be Disliked,

broke that attachment cycle for me,

and they're about to do the same for you.

But just a warning, one of these is a little controversial,

so keep an open mind.

So it's time to enter your unbothered era,

not because you're numb and disconnected and you're trying to pretend to be some cool girl who doesn't get affected by things,

but because you trust life.

You trust uncertainty and you trust yourself enough to let go.

Hey friend, welcome back.

If you're new here, my name's Jill and I help women step into their power,

tap into their divine feminine and become their best self,

live their best life.

So if that's something you want to do,

you should subscribe and stick around.

And in case you want more from me besides just my YouTube videos,

you can always check out my deep dive feminine energy course

or any of my other courses or digital products like my bestselling notion templates.

They are all linked down below.

So in this video, I'm going to walk you through four concepts that I got from this book,

the courage to be disliked that will finally help you master detachment.

So if you've ever struggled with overthinking or people pleasing or trying to control how every aspect of your life unfolds,

I hope that this video can shift something in you.

And if you want to give this book a read,

I highly recommend it.

It's one of my favorites.

I'll link it down below.

So concept number one from this book is so incredibly simple, but also life-changing.

It's called the separation of tasks.

And it's about understanding what is my task and what is your task and not getting those roles confused.

There are tasks that are yours to handle and there are tasks that belong to other people.

And most of your anxiety,

most of your stress, some of your exhaustion is because you are carrying tasks that were never yours to begin with.

So let me explain.

You are only responsible for your own tasks,

meaning your own actions, your own choices,

your own feelings, and how you show up.

That is all your task.

That is under your domain other people's opinions feelings

or reactions to those choices that's their task other people's actions that's their task true detachment starts

when you stop crossing that line when you stop invading into their tasks

and focus solely on your own so here's what this looks like in real life

so my task right now is to show up film this video do the best i can

and publish it to youtube whether it gets a ton of views

or not that's not my task that's your task as the audience That's your task to decide,

hmm, should I like this video?

Should I comment?

Should I share it with a friend?

And because that's your task,

I don't need to concern myself with that stuff.

When you're on a date,

your task is to show up,

be your best self, have a good time,

and decide if you even like the person or not.

And his task is to show up,

be his best self, have a good time,

and decide if he even likes you.

But whether he likes you or not,

that is not your concern because it's not your task.

Someone's mad at you.

That's their task.

You can acknowledge it.

If you did something wrong, you should absolutely apologize.

But their anger is theirs to process.

It's not yours to fix.

Your parents are disappointed in your life choices.

That's their task.

You can love them.

You can listen.

But you cannot sacrifice your whole life trying to meet their expectations.

That is not your task.

Someone doesn't like the way you look,

the way you talk, the choices you make.

Not your task.

When you try to take on other people's tasks,

when you try to control how people see you or feel about you,

you're actually disrespecting their autonomy.

You are robbing both of you,

not just you, not just them,

but both of you of your freedom.

As the book says, when you intrude on another person's task,

you are violating their right to live freely.

So here's the simple question that makes everything clear.

Is this my task or is it theirs?

Before you stress about someone's reaction,

ask, is this my task or is it theirs?

Before you try to fix someone's mood,

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ask, is this my task or is it theirs?

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Before you adjust yourself to make someone else comfortable,

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ask, is this my task or is it actually theirs?

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Your task is always about your choices,

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your actions, your authenticity, your opinions, your feelings, your reactions.

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Their task is always about their choices,

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their reactions, their feelings, their opinions,

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etc. Because remember, detachment is not about not caring about anything.

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That is apathy.

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Okay, that's starting to tiptoe a little bit into depression and we don't want that.

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Detachment is about understanding what is actually yours to carry,

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and not everything is yours to carry.

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And when you can drop everything that's not your task,

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that's when you can finally start to feel free.

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This is so insanely simple,

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but a perspective shift that has genuinely changed my life.

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Now, before we keep going,

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I do want to thank Better Help for kindly sponsoring today's video.

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When we talk about detachment,

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what we're really talking about is emotional freedom and the ability to stay grounded no matter what's happening around us.

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And that can be really hard to do when your mind feels busy and your emotions are all over the place.

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Or you're caught in cycles of overthinking or maybe even being a bit anxiously attached.

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We've all been there.

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That's why having someone in your corner really does matter.

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No matter what you're navigating,

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whether it's stress around relationships,

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family, health, work, or just everyday life,

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having someone to talk to can make a huge difference.

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Therapy can give you a safe space to process what's coming up,

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regulate your emotions, and stay grounded even when everything else feels uncertain.

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Even just having an outside perspective can shift how you see a situation,

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and that's where BetterHelp comes in.

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It's an online therapy platform that makes it easy and convenient to get matched with a licensed therapist.

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No waiting rooms, no commuting,

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just professional support from home on your own schedule.

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You just fill out a quick questionnaire and you'll be matched with a therapist within a couple days,

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and if for some reason that first match isn't quite right, that's okay.

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You can switch therapists at any time, no extra cost.

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If therapy feels like the right next move for you,

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just click the link in the description or go to betterhelp.com slash jills to get 10% off your first month.

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So thank you to BetterHelp and let's get back into it.

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Now next to be unbothered and detached,

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we all know, this is common sense,

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we all know that this requires letting go of criticism, right?

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And how people see you and how people talk about you.

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Not caring if people don't like you or have something to say about you or don't understand you.

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But there is a small point from this book that really hit me.

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You'll never be able to detach from criticism until you can detach from craze.

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And as long as praise validates you,

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criticism will also control you.

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Right?

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Think about it.

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If you rely on people's praise to feel happy and confident,

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then their disapproval of you will also destroy you.

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You can't selectively detach, right?

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It doesn't work that way.

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But for so long, I only focused on the negative part.

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You know, like ignoring people who didn't like me or were just like mean or whatever.

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But then when people told me,

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oh, you did such a good job,

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to me it was, oh,

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yay, that makes me happy.

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I got a big burst of confidence from that.

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And I never really thought about it like that.

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If it gave me this big burst of confidence and self-esteem,

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then what does that really mean?

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And what happens when I don't get that?

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And here's what the book says that made this click.

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When you seek recognition from others,

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approval becomes the goal, not contribution meaning you stop doing things

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because they matter to you and you start doing things because you want people to notice.

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It's small, but it's sneaky.

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You post something not because you really love it or you believe in it,

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but because you know it'll get the likes.

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You want the likes.

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You help someone not because you really want to contribute,

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but because you want the thank you.

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You achieve something or go after some goal not because it truly fulfills you deep down,

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but because you want people to be impressed.

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And you start subtly performing and maybe you don't even realize it because most of the time this is unconscious.

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So you have to start doing things without needing any external response.

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No praise, no criticism, no validation, no nothing.

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So here are simple little ways that you can start to practice this.

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Do something kind and don't tell anyone, right?

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You can help someone, you contribute to something,

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you can donate to something,

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you can create something, and also you can keep it completely to yourself.

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No posting about it, no mentioning it,

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no, hey, look what I did.

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Because if you can't do those things without wanting recognition you are still craving

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and chasing approval and next if you're on social media post something

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and practice being okay with the silence put something out there

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and then put your phone down and set a time limit for yourself for

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when you can check it again and eventually

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when you check it did it get kind of a meh response Because if so,

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this is perfect practice.

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Can you still feel good about what you created and what you posted,

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even when no one really acknowledged it?

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If not, you're still tied to their validation.

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Also notice when you are subtly fishing for compliments.

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So pay attention when you say things like,

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oh, I don't know if this is any good,

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or I'm not really sure about this,

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or does this look okay?

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Even though you already know how it looks,

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you have your own eyes,

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you can judge for yourself.

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What you're unconsciously doing in those moments is seeking approval and validation.

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And lastly, ask yourself before you do anything,

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am I doing this because it matters to me?

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Or am I doing this because I want someone to see me do it?

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This can be the little and the big things.

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Am I going to law school just to look impressive?

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Am I going to law school just to get approval from my father?

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Or am I bringing cookies over to that new neighbor so that everybody thinks that I'm that kind,

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amazing person, not actually because I care?

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So the goal isn't to never feel good when someone praises you,

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that's always going to feel a little bit good.

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The goal is not to need it to feel good about yourself.

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That's the difference.

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If praise is the only thing that builds you up,

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criticism will be what tears you down.

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They're two sides of the same coin.

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Real freedom is when neither one controls how you feel about yourself.

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It's not just about having the courage to be disliked.

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And this was a huge moment for me.

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It's not just about having the courage to be disliked.

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It's also about having the courage to sometimes be unseen and not have that mean anything about you.

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All right, now this next concept is a little bit controversial.

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This is the one that I'm warning you about,

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but it does come straight from the book.

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So if it resonates, great.

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That's great.

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If not, that's okay too,

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and you can skip it.

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And it's all about detaching from your past.

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That is the point of this concept,

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so keep that in mind.

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So the author says in this book,

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quote, trauma does not exist.

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That is what he says, trauma does not exist.

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And I know that's a bold statement and can feel a little invalidating,

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but stay with me for a sec.

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He's not saying that bad things didn't happen or that pain isn't real or that,

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you know, just get over it, you whiny little baby.

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What he's saying is that trauma doesn't come from the event itself.

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It comes from the meaning we've continued to attach to it.

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Because most of us are so deeply attached to our past,

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to our old stories, to our wounds,

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to our explanations for why we are the way we are.

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I can't trust people because of what happened to me.

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I'm not worthy of love because of how I was treated as a kid.

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I'll never be successful because of how I grew up.

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We're unconsciously clinging to these old stories and we're using our past to prove why we can't move forward.

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And as long as we're attached to those old stories, we can't change.

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That's just the way it is.

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As long as we stay attached to that old narrative, we can't change.

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Real detachment is not just,

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oh, I'm not bothered when that person doesn't like me.

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Oh, I'm not bothered when they don't text me back.

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It's also being able to let go of old stories and detach from old painful experiences.

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Those experiences happened, yes, but that doesn't mean they have to keep shaping your story and stay attached to your identity.

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You are the one who keeps assigning it meaning.

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That's what he says in the book.

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And in the book, he says,

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you are the one that's choosing to keep them around, right?

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Those experiences, they already happened there in the past,

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but the meaning you took from that experience is still shaping your present reality.

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It's not the event that you're attached to.

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It's the meaning.

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And again, a little controversial here,

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but in the book, he says,

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sometimes we stay attached to these old stories and this old trauma because in some weird way,

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it actually serves us.

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It gives us a reason to stay stuck.

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And in some weird roundabout way,

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we may actually benefit from it.

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It explains why we are the way we are without us having to do the hard work of changing.

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So the book gives this specific example.

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Imagine someone who says, I have social anxiety because I was bullied as a kid,

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so I can't go to social events.

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On the surface, it sounds reasonable, right?

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Trauma is causing the behavior.

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But the book, and again,

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this is what makes it a little controversial and some people don't like it,

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the book flips it.

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What if they're choosing to use that past experience and keep assigning meaning to it to avoid social situations,

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not because they can't go,

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but because staying home feels safer.

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And I think what he's essentially saying is there's a nice little validation of that behavior there.

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The trauma itself isn't making them stay home.

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They're using that trauma as permission to avoid something uncomfortable.

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Here's another example.

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I can't be in a healthy relationship because my parents had a terrible marriage.

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But what's really happening here?

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You're attached to that story because it protects you from the risk of trying.

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If you believe you're broken because of your past,

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you never have to face the actual vulnerability of showing up in a relationship,

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in an intimate relationship.

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The book says we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to past experiences.

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Meaning you're not stuck because of what happened.

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You're stuck because the meaning you keep attaching to it.

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And you're stuck to that meaning because sometimes staying stuck is easier than changing.

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And your past gives you a convenient explanation for why you don't have to try so you don't want to let go.

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Now, is that controversial?

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Yes.

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A lot of people don't like that in the book.

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That's just a reality.

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But I like being challenged and I did find value in this perspective.

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I'm not trying to discount your experiences.

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Believe me, I'm not.

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And I'm pretty sure that the author is not trying to do that either.

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But when I read this, it changed me.

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That attachment to our own suffering is what quietly keeps us from ever feeling free.

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And lastly, detachment at its core is the art of releasing control over people,

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over outcomes, over timing of how your life unfolds and learning to trust.

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And if you think about it,

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almost all suffering comes from our attachment to how we think life should be.

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It should have worked out.

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They should have stayed.

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I should be further ahead by now.

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This should feel different.

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The word should can sometimes just be control in disguise.

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But here's the part of the book that they talk about and what I want to bring up.

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When something doesn't go the way you planned,

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you're not always upset about it just because of what happened.

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You're upset because reality didn't match your story of how you thought it was supposed to happen.

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You're attached to the version of life that only existed in your head.

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So here's what this book helped me realize.

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Most of your stress isn't coming from what's actually happening.

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It's coming from the gap between what's happening and what you expected to happen.

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You expected the relationship to work out so when it didn't,

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you felt like something went wrong.

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You expected to be further along in your career by now so every day that you're not there,

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you feel like a failure.

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You had a plan, and when life didn't follow it,

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you interpreted that as a problem.

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That suffering isn't from the situation itself,

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it's from your attachment to how you thought it should be.

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The author explains that the moment you accept life as it is,

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you instantly become free.

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Not because you gave up,

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but because you stopped resisting what already is.

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And this is the ultimate separation of tasks, right?

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Your task is to live honestly and show up in alignment.

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Life's task is everything else.

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You can control effort, not outcome.

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You can control how you show up,

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but not how people see you.

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You can control your actions,

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not necessarily the timing of your results.

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So all of this anxiety that you feel,

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it isn't from experiencing uncertainty.

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It's from fighting the uncertainty.

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When you finally stop doing that,

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when you stop resisting your current reality, something strange happens.

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Peace.

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Detachment brings peace.

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And when you are calm and at peace,

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that is when you are at your most powerful self.

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Detachment brings peace and peace is your power.

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And let me tell you,

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once you stop resisting your current situation,

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that is when you will start attracting in all the things that you desire.

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And it sounds ridiculous.

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It sounds counterintuitive.

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But resistance keeps you chained to what you don't want because it's still your point of focus.

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The moment you stop fighting it,

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you stop fighting that resistance, you stop feeding it.

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And that is the paradox.

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The second you stop trying to control everything,

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it finally starts working in your favor.

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I hope this video maybe gave you a little bit of a perspective shift

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and helped you to see things differently detachment goes a lot

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deeper than just having the courage to be disliked detachment is detaching yourself from everything

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that holds you back detachment is finally feeling free and trusting life

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and these are concepts that i come back to time

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and time again

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when i feel like i need a refresher some people love this book some people don't

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and it doesn't resonate and that's okay but again

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if you want to take it for a spin

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and read it yourself i will link it below now

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if you truly want to have

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that unbothered energy though you also have to become the master of your emotions

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and stop reacting so much and in this video i tell you exactly how to do

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that how to heal from that and stop being so reactive

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so i will see you in this video

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or i'll just see you in my next one that's fine too love you guys bye

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Shadowing Practice: 4 Mindset Shifts That Will Finally Help You MASTER DETACHMENT - Learn English Speaking with YouTube

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