Shadowing Practice: A regulated nervous system is the real flex. - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Today I want to talk about something that took me embarrassingly long to figure out.
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People -pleasing is not just about being overly nice, it is a nervous system pattern that shows up in all areas of your life,
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your relationships, your money, and just the way you move in general.
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This will be a practical video on steps that you can take to heal your nervous system.
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These are things that I have been implementing into my life and I have seen drastic changes.
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I wish that journaling and reflecting, meditating.
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It's also about whether I allow myself to order the thing at the restaurant that I just never felt worthy of ordering.
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If I can take something from the bar at the hotel
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because growing up I was always taught that we were not allowed to touch those things.
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The part that nobody tells you is as you make more money these things just don't go away.
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If you don't heal your nervous system wounds your reality will constantly bring you back to the old
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started to make more money and started to live a more abundant healthy lifestyle.
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I noticed that there were certain things that would trigger me
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and there was this temptation of my old self to kick in.
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Your nervous system will find a way to sabotage your life
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if you don't do the work and it's not always a big huge sign.
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It's sometimes in the little decisions that add up and create that big ripple effect.
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So really quickly, hi my name is Krizia.
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We talk about all things glowing up from
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and out definitely consider subscribing and joining the community first we're going to talk about relationships
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because this is a huge one
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if your nervous system is on autopilot there might be a lot of subtle ways
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that you're attracting the wrong types of relationships into your life
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or sabotaging the good ones i am someone who's gone to lots of therapy
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because i grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional household there were
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times where i felt like i was shrinking myself you know there sorry about something.
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It's not even their fault.
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You know, of course, there's common courtesy and then there's the people pleasing over apologizing.
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This used to show up a lot in my life, especially in my 20s.
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And this really creeps up on you because when you make yourself smaller, even in the smallest moments, it becomes a habit.
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And when it becomes a habit, you do it when it really matters, when in rooms, when you should be advocating for yourself,
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you're going to be so used to shrinking yourself that you will shrink yourself out of
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opportunities especially ones
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that you deserve what i want you to consider here is
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pause before you apologize before you say things like i'm
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so sorry to bother you or please don't hate me you know these are ways
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that we kind of filter ourselves to make other people feel
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more comfortable you know a simple pause goes a really long way
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because it allows you a breath to pause and think and you
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when it comes to people asking you for favors
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or inviting you to an event maybe you don't naturally want to go to, we tend to say yes to things because we don't want to disappoint people.
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But I encourage you to pause and say things like, let me get back to you.
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Can I think about it?
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I will let you know.
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When we say yes to uncomfortable situations, we often don't really want to say yes.
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Let people be mildly disappointed.
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You don't need to rush to fix other people's problems.
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You know, something that I also noticed in myself, when somebody is disappointed, immediately rush to try to fix things, try to solve problems, try to make the situation better,
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put out a fire, but it kind of just created this anxiety fire on its own when it really wasn't necessary.
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I think it's important to remind ourselves that it is not our job to fix other people's problems, even the people we love, especially sometimes the people we love,
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because what happens is we tend to train ourselves to think that Problem solving for other people, jumping in to save someone is helping them,
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but a lot of times it's just robbing them of the experience of creating a solution for themselves in their own life.
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Also, putting ourselves first sometimes.
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We are so quick to want to help everyone else besides ourselves.
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Of course I'm not saying be so selfish
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that you don't truly help someone in some kind of dire emergency if they really need help.
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But I think, you know, there are a lot of situations that can come to mind
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when we think about the times where we jump in and ask yourself, was this your emergency or are you absorbing someone else's emergency and making it your own?
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The bottom line is someone else's discomfort is not your emergency.
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Even in social situations where
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you're just being your normal usual self and you notice that someone is giving you an off -putting energy.
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Maybe they think you're too much of this or too much of that.
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You have to remember people are projecting first of all
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and the other thing is how they feel about you is not your problem.
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How people feel about you is not your problem.
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If you're not being rude, obviously hurting someone intentionally, manipulating someone,
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if you are just simply existing and it makes someone else in the room uncomfortable, that is not your problem problem.
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Stop over explaining your decisions.
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I noticed a lot of times this and myself and other people
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when you compliment someone for example on their outfit
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and immediately you say oh my gosh thank you I bought it on sale and you start over explaining.
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It's just unnecessary information.
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I think it's important to accept compliments with a simple thank you.
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or appreciation without having to over explain even something as simple as your outfit.
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If someone is simply complimenting you, there's no need to go into this whole spiral of something else.
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I've had a time where someone complimented me on my hair
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and I went into this instant reaction of explaining why I felt insecure about my hair and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
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And I'm just like, why am I even saying this?
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And I realized that is old patterns showing up.
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So over explaining is another form of nervous system wounds.
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If you can't make it somewhere, you know, normalize just saying, I can't make it.
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I'm sorry, I won't be able to be there.
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period.
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Put periods at the end of your sentence.
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Don't leave room for negotiation.
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Don't leave room for question marks.
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I think it's important to practice saying these close ended statements because it allows you to say your decision with confidence.
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and not feel guilty about it.
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You don't need to feel guilty about not being able to make it somewhere.
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Of course, show up for people and do your best, but if you truly, genuinely cannot make it
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or feel like it's gonna deplete your energy because you have something important that you need to prepare for or something else,
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Say no. Make your decision and say it with confidence.
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Another way that this can show up is if someone offers you help for something, right?
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You immediately want to return the favor.
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Again, not necessary, you know, accept the help, be grateful, be appreciative.
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And if you want to help them in the future, definitely do that.
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Of course, that's a kind thing to do, but we don't need to commit to it then and there.
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Like, oh my gosh, I got you.
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You know, do you need help with something tomorrow?
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Like it doesn't need to someone who you appreciate them and leave it at that.
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Okay, let's talk about money.
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Growing up where money was tight, you know, there's a lot of subconscious habits that I picked up and how they show up in my life now.
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And one of those things is having this fear -based scarcity around money.
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And as I was saying earlier, just because you start making money doesn't mean your money wounds go away.
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In fact, a lot of times it's going to put a big magnifying glass on it
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and it's going to feel so much louder and so much bigger reinvesting into the business,
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which is obviously I think a great thing to do, but I noticed that I was, it was very difficult for me to invest in myself without feeling guilty.
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Even if it meant something that I really needed and I knew was going to benefit my business,
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it was the thought of purchasing big amounts of money on myself that I didn't realize I felt really shameful about.
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Through a lot of work, I realized that was my nervous system trying to protect me because how I didn't want to be selfish.
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overthink the decision for months.
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I would have it in my cart.
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I would not buy it.
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I would still be thinking about it.
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I would try to find a coupon, a promo code, and I would just spend all this energy and time when I could have just purchased the thing.
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I could have just made that investment on myself.
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A solution that I came up with was allowing myself a disposable income budget, a bucket of income.
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For example, after I calculated my monthly expenses and the extra income that I had left over from that,
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I dispersed the money into my savings, into my investments, and then I'd create a bucket for myself.
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And you know, give myself this spending wiggle room to spend on whatever fell into this category.
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So for example, I call this my self -investment fund
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and I put a number on it let's say a couple hundred dollars,
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$500, so that every month I can spend on anything that falls into the self -investment category,
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things like massages, physical care, if it's a gym outfit, new skincare, getting a facial or even therapy,
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investing in a new camera, you know, whatever it is, I just gave myself this mental bucket that I knew that I could spend from on myself,
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because then it takes out having to make micro decisions with every single purchase.
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This allowed myself to not have to justify every purchase, and instead I created a budget in advance which takes out
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a lot of mental work by making this decision in advance
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it allowed me to spend guilt -free i highly encourage the system it works really well for me
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and it allows me the freedom to enjoy money
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because our money is meant to be used and enjoyed
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and a lot of times we grow up with this scarcity fear -based mindset
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that we have to hold on to everything we have to save it and that we shouldn't what we do,
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ask yourself, am I choosing something because it's a lower price, because it makes me feel safer, or am I feeling less worthy of the more expensive one?
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I encourage you to be more curious about your spending habits
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and what you feel when you do purchase something and also when you choose not to purchase something.
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Money is energy, I've realized, and the more that we try to we allow the money to flow into our existence.
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Another way you can practice this is buy one thing that makes you feel super luxurious.
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on a regular basis, whether that's a really nice robe, a upgraded elevated body lotion instead of the cheapest one.
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You know, find something that you can use regularly that
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retrains your nervous system into believing that you are worthy
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and it creates this feeling of luxury in whatever way
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that means to you let's talk about self -worth raising the bar raising the ceiling of self -worth is
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so important just like how i said earlier practice receiving compliments
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with a simple thank you without a whole explanation especially for my high achievers perfectionists normalize participating in activities
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that aren't tied to productivity Fuck sitting in silence without your phone,
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doing something that brings you joy without having to justify it as something productive.
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As someone who's a content creator myself, and I can basically make work out of anything I do, whether it's going on a shopping spree, I can make a haul out of that,
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or if I'm meditating, I could, document my wellness.
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The lines were getting very blurred.
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Obviously, this applies to other career paths outside of content creation.
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I feel like we just tend to want to make the most out of our time and maximize productivity.
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It's okay to do something and enjoy it without documenting it.
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If you have high self -worth, you will attract better quality relationships, better financial situations.
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You know, someone with higher self -worth is more likely to negotiate a price and a product gifting.
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A lot of the income that I've made, I've had to negotiate.
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And I've had to negotiate my self -worth so much that it made me realize If you genuinely don't ask, you're going to get the bare minimum.
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This goes for other things like in your relationship.
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If you accept a partner who treats you poorly,
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even in your relationship, you will be settling without realizing it because you only accept what you feel you deserve.
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It's unfortunate because I see this play out in so many situations.
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I've seen it play out in my own life.
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Friendships that don't appreciate us, people who like the idea of you but don't really appreciate the depth of you.
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I want you to let yourself dream of big things and live those dreams out loud.
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No more shrinking yourself, no more shrinking your dreams or settling.
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You can practice saying things like, I would love that without saying, "I wish I could afford it." Also, don't say things like, Oh my gosh, I would love if you could come,
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but it's, totally okay if you can't you don't need to say
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that last part just say i would love
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if you could come i think we subtly downplay ourselves without
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even realizing it in these small moments i like to tour million dollar homes for fun
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and also just
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because i know one day i will live in my dream
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home i'm looking at life today through the lens of future me
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and nothing is off limits you can dream as big as you want
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and i don't care what anybody says you deserve it setting boundaries is information
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having boundaries is basically preparing for a fight with someone.
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It's almost like you brace conflict when you set a boundary.
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And you know the feeling when you've set a boundary for the first time, your nervous system is freaking out.
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You are panicking.
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You've seen the video where the girl's shaking with a glass of water.
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She's like, it feels like a bear is chasing me, but you just set a boundary.
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That is exactly how it feels when you first start setting boundaries.
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But you need to reframe your mindset around this because again, boundaries are simply information, it's not a wall.
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A real boundary is just honest information and it will strengthen the right relationships and it will push away the wrong ones.
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And that's a good thing.
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For example, I tell my mom, hey, I need a heads up next time you come into my house unexpected.
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Please let me know three days in advance.
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That is a boundary.
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Or maybe it's, hey, I can't do phone calls after 10 p .m.
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The problem is when you've spent endless years making yourself adaptable, stating a preference and boundary, it just feels aggressive.
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But once you can move past that,
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And the thing here that's important is to practice saying things like boundaries before they become urgent, before you find yourself in a situation
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that you really don't want to be in and you really have to make a tough call.
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So setting boundaries in advance, highly recommend.
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The other thing I want to remind you when it comes to setting boundaries with people, especially people
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that are close to you i know it can be really
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difficult it's been a journey learning to place boundaries in family relationships where opinions are very strong
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and people are really used to you accepting certain behaviors once
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you start saying no it's not your job to control someone's reaction it's just your job to advocate for yourself
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and the rest is out of your hands make it your
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priority to tell the truth about yourself how you feel when other people do things like show up to your house
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handle basic information.
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That is information you need.
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And lastly, stopping the invisible debt system.
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This one can be sneaky because it looks like generosity from the outside.
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You can offer to help someone, you show up, you give something to them, but are you subconsciously keeping track of that and waiting for them to return the favor?
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This is a scarcity mindset.
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If underneath your generosity, underneath the task that you do for someone,
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you're quietly keeping tally of the things you're doing for them, that's not healthy.
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It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means that it's and automatic programming that's running subconsciously.
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The exhausting part about this is you're never going to present an invoice.
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So what happens is you silently wait.
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kind of starts to eat at you every day
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and think of it happening in multiple locations
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because you don't just do this with one person you're doing
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with the people you work with the people in your family maybe it's even your your spouse your partner
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or your friendships like you're keeping tally and it becomes overwhelming
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because you've got all these tabs open and all this debt
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invisible debt that is owed to you that you're now keeping track of.
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And this is one of the core wounds of people pleasing, because you learned to get your needs met indirectly through earning it,
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earning love, earning respect, earning the friendship.
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It's almost like you're trying to prove that you're worthy and you deserve their love rather than just asking for help, asking for support.
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It's a very sneaky, subtle thing that creeps up on you.
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So the way out of this is next time you do something for someone, ask yourself, why?
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Why am I doing this?
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Truly why?
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What am I doing? getting out of this.
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as much as I say I'm giving it for.
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Don't just say because I want to help.
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Like really ask yourself, why do I feel prompted to help?
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What is inspiring me to do this now?
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Is it because you genuinely want to or are there some quiet strings attached?
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Is it because you're hoping that this is going to create some sort of obligation
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and connection between you and the other person?
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It's something worth pausing on.
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And then the second thing is, Practice asking for things directly.
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not as a transaction but as a straightforward request it's crazy
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because as a people pleaser
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or having old people pleasing tendencies saying something flat out like can you help me can be terrifying
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because it feels like too much to ask it feels like you're not worthy to ask for help even
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if you don't realize it it's the only way out otherwise you're going to silently build a case around people
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and your mind will play tricks on you that they owe you something when they've never
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you're worthy of abundance you're worthy of being rich you are worthy to ask for help
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and support and not feel guilty about it i hope you enjoyed this video
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if you made it to the end comment this affirmation down below i am worthy i love you
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so much and i will see you in the next one bye
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About This Lesson
In this lesson, learners will explore the concept of a regulated nervous system and its influence on communication and daily decision-making. By analyzing the transcript of a discussion on people-pleasing and its effects on relationships, participants will improve their English speaking practice through the shadowing technique. This approach involves mimicking the speaker's rhythm and tone, perfect for enhancing fluency and understanding of nuanced emotional expressions.
Key Vocabulary & Phrases
- People-pleasing - A tendency to prioritize the needs and feelings of others at the expense of one's own.
- Nervous system - The network of nerves that transmits signals between different parts of the body, influencing emotional responses.
- Autopilot - A state in which a person acts or behaves without conscious thought.
- Advocating for yourself - The act of speaking up for your own rights and needs.
- Pause - Taking a moment to reflect before responding, which can enhance decision-making.
- Subtle ways - Small, often unnoticed methods of influencing or acting in a situation.
- Emotional triggers - Responses to situations based on past experiences that affect current behavior.
- Disappointment - The feeling of sadness or displeasure when expectations are not met.
Practice Tips
To effectively implement the shadowspeak method using this transcript, here are some tailored tips:
- Listen Carefully: Play the video at a slow speed initially to grasp the emotional tone and pacing of the speaker.
- Mimic the Rhythm: As you practice, pay attention to the rhythm and inflection of key phrases. Aim to replicate the emotional undertones to add depth to your speaking style.
- Record Yourself: Use a recording device to capture your shadowing attempts. Playback your recordings to identify areas where you can improve articulation, fluency, and emotional expression.
- Focus on Subtlety: Notice how the speaker suggests small pauses and the impact of their wording. Try integrating similar pauses into your speech to evoke a more natural conversation flow.
- Engage in Role Play: Partner with a fellow learner and practice real-life scenarios that might arise from the concepts discussed, such as advocating for yourself or managing disappointment.
By practicing these techniques regularly, learners can enhance their IELTS speaking practice and overall confidence in English communication.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have seen · I've had · I've realized |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | was always taught · is meant |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | someone who you · people who like |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.