Shadowing Practice: How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation (with 4 practices) - Learn English Speaking with Video

Hi everyone, my name is Dia

and in today's video I want to talk about how we can come to understand what exactly self-worth means

and how to increase our sense or strengthen our sense of self-worth.

I've broken down the video into three main parts today so we can have an organized structure.

The first part I want to talk about is understanding what is self-worth and how that differentiates from self-esteem.

The second part I want to talk about is why it is incredibly important to have a good strong sense of self-worth.

And the third part, which is probably the most important, I am going to provide you with four steps on how to continue to increase, strengthen, and build your own sense of self-worth.

Self-worth is a lot more associated with what's going on on the inside

and less affected or more resilient against outside forces or circumstances.

It is a lot more about who you are versus what you do or how you perform.

Maybe you're feeling a little bit resistant right now, does a high self-worth equate to someone being arrogant or full of themselves?

And I think maybe, possibly, but that's not black and white.

It's more superlative.

And do I think

that these people who do have a higher sense of self are more confident

and possibly get what they desire a bit more?

I think the answer is probably yes as well.

What's really important here is that you remember, yes, there is a objective reality that we all live in,

but how you perceive that reality, how you perceive yourself in relation to your external environments to other people plays

almost more crucial role in how you will do or feel

or experience life so this attunement to sense of who you are

and having a good strong sense of self-worth is incredibly important

it's going to dictate how you stand in your boundaries it's

going to dictate what you think you deserve what you will

go for what you can imagine is possible for yourself and in life i I don't just mean materialistic things.

It could be what's possible in terms of experiences you wanna have, relationships you wanna have.

I like to think of our sense of self as a house, a house that we continuously build and live inside of.

And the windows that we open is how we perceive the world

and the doors that we open are how we get to interact and experience with the reality.

It's a house that you should feel safe and secure in

and is able to weather any type of storm that may occur that you cannot predict.

And just like the weather, life is going to be unpredictable.

No matter how much you try to plan or control, things are going to come up, things are going to change, meaning we have to change with it.

So it is a lot more important to focus on building

or having that foundation or that home that is equipped to continue to be remodeled, to renew, or to support you when a storm hits.

Secondly, and this is an important concept, one that I've actually personally struggled with in the past.

Maybe you never got the loving nurture that you deserved as a kid.

And I don't mean spoon-fed, coddling, mom and dad did everything for you.

What I mean is that the most basic foundational sense of safety and security.

Babies and toddlers and kids need to establish a firm sense of I'm safe at home

and I can also explore the world out there courageously.

If you're watching this as a cognizant adult, then sorry to say that train has passed.

That's just the reality of it.

No one's going to come and fix you.

No job, no relationship, mentor, therapist is going to magically change your life, it's in our hands now.

And there are plenty of resources that's going to lead you to the water, but you are the one that has to drink it.

And the sooner we can accept this truth, the sooner we can begin to feel empowered to actually implement the changes we really want to see.

And this also helps tremendously to offset that mentality of I'm a victim.

We have to first come to terms with the past that we cannot change the family we were born into.

We can't change what happened or didn't happen, but we can definitely change what happens from this moment onward.

So how do we strengthen or increase our sense of self-worth?

I think that's the $1 billion question, and I'm going to break it down into four parts.

And please remember that all of us are uniquely different individuals with different history and experience, but we're all human, so there's definitely underlying foundations that can speak to all of us.

Number one is self-acceptance and compassion.

I'm not going to dive into the details.

This requires a whole length of your conversation.

Accept the good, the bad, the ugly.

This is impossible to do all at once, but take notice when something does come up and trigger you

or when someone tells you something about yourself and you feel some type of resistance, whether it's good or bad.

I'll give you an example.

Something that I had to accept about myself recently is that I can be arrogant.

Now watch this.

If I haven't accepted this part of myself and someone tells me, hey, you're kind of arrogant, I would get incredibly defensive, Maybe in my body I'd feel a little bit tight.

Maybe I want to shut down.

I want to fight them.

Or maybe I get really self-conscious and feel ashamed.

So you can go gentle and ask, are there any ways I can sometimes be arrogant, even just a little bit?

And so I take a deep breath and I think, honestly, yes, yes, I can be.

Despite my best intentions, I can definitely be arrogant at times.

So now I allow this acceptance to settle in my mind mind and in my body.

I don't judge it at all.

I just let it exist.

So next time when I'm a little overly confident in a situation and someone says, hey, you're being a bit arrogant,

I'll notice that because I've accepted this part of myself with compassion and no judgment, it doesn't carry any more charge.

So I can feel and say, you know what?

Yeah, I can be that sometimes.

And there won't be any type of defensive feelings or anger or shame.

And again, you don't need to sit there and come up with an inventory of things that you embody, whether it's good or bad, all at the same time, but it will take some time.

And sometimes you won't even know what it is until another person is able to mirror it in you.

So you realize this is something that you reject.

For the compassionate piece, I don't think of it as a lovey-dovey, oh, I love you, I accept everything about you, the good and the bad.

I don't think that's practical or realistic.

it's not going to be easy to digest or truly be believed by your own unconscious mind.

So I recommend taking baby steps.

Compassion can simply be neutrality.

Don't let your mind make up stories.

Just let whatever it is there to be there.

And as a lot of these philosophical or spiritual teachings will say to witness.

And remember all of us are human beings.

All of us are trying to do our best with a current awareness, desire, and knowledge that we possess in this moment.

So any positive or negatively judged trait or characteristic doesn't define your self-worth.

It just makes you human.

Number one on that list is gonna be self-trust.

What does that mean?

To me, self-trust means that I trust myself to choose things that benefit me to the best of my abilities.

And that is also good for those around me.

Now, to people pleasers, this might seem like it's a contradictory statement.

What if other people want me to go out and I don't wanna go out?

Well, stick around for the fourth point because we're going to talk about that.

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Self-trust means I care and love myself enough to say no to things that doesn't feel good, things that might harm me in any small or large way,

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and continue to build good habits and create a lifestyle that is actually sustainable and good for me long term.

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And the key here is not perfection.

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It is acknowledging that being human isn't black and white.

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It's not an all or nothing.

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While make the wrong choices sometimes, it's also about levity

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and forgoing one night of deep rest to enjoy a party with your friends.

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So think of it more of a balance.

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If we're too rigid in our attempt to live in the perfect life, it can also tip over into being more controlling or feeling ashamed about not being perfect.

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So what can you do?

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Start with things that actually feels nice to do for yourself.

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Maybe it's waking up a little earlier in the morning before work

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so you just have some extra time to do whatever it is that feels good to you.

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And then create a relatively consistent habit out of doing that.

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And maybe it's finally sitting down and doing research on what supplements

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or skin products that would benefit you and then sticking to that routine at night, just like you would brushing your teeth.

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It can be about breaking lofty big life goals that you want for the long run, breaking them into smaller chunks so they're achievable.

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For example, I heard today on an Instagram post someone was saying

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that their friend basically set a goal for himself to go to the gym every day for five minutes.

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And even though that sounds ridiculous, he was able to accomplish this goal consistently and thus starting to build a habit.

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So anytime you have a goal that feels too scary or not the perfect timing or not the perfect place, break them down into a lot more smaller chunks and then

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that way you can start to establish that habit before it becomes a part of who you are.

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So whatever those things might be for you, whether they're small or big steps, it basically reassures your own inner child and your unconscious mind that you are here for you,

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that you're going to stand by your own promises to yourself

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and honor what feels good and what's giving you energy

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because you are worthy of someone looking after you

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and caring for you the way that you would care for somebody else that you love.

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Number two, get uncomfortable.

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If you're in survival mode, I don't expect you to have the energy or resources to do this.

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So remember the first part of this is compassion.

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But if you're ready or you're in thriving mode, it's time to step us out of your comfort zone.

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The only way for you to continue strengthening your self-worth is by doing things that you thought you couldn't.

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Now there's a difference between accomplishment for external recognition versus experiences that actually truly enrich your own life.

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And this does kind of tie into self-esteem, but I don't think it's possible to continue growing our sense of self

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and self-worth without engaging with life that is outside of the safety of our home, so to speak, or the safety of our comfort zone.

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For example, I didn't believe I could be my own boss until I was.

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And I truly didn't think anyone was proud of me at the time.

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I don't even think I was proud of myself.

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It just felt like there were hills and hills to climb and achieve.

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But there is a subtle yet incredibly shift that happened in myself.

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I knew all that it took to learn new skills in order to create videos, build a website, start a podcast.

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And I began to trust in myself that whenever I felt scared to do something new, I had the courage and the ability to do it anyway.

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Getting uncomfortable and making us through

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that uncomfortable feeling is how we can start to build more self-trust To know

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that we have our own back in all these different ways We as social creatures need to know

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or learn how to adapt and how to grow

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and how to try And I don't know what your uncomfortable thing is

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that you deeply desire to do But remember just to take baby steps

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So I have a bit of social anxiety even though I deeply desire connection like most of us do

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and the way through it is going to things that makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable

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because there's strangers there and what are they going to think about me

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and then I actually go to those events and realize it's actually kind of nice

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and I'm still not the best at this but I'm definitely making progress.

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So this is the perfect transition to the next point

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which is point four and this is the idea of separation of tasks.

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So I just finished reading this book, The Courage to be Disliked.

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It's one of those books that was profound enough to actually have inspired this whole episode, to be honest.

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Separation of tasks simply means that there are tasks that belong to you,

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and then there are the rest that has absolutely nothing to do with you and it's not your problem.

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They're not within your control and it creates a lot of pain trying to maintain or do other people's tasks.

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And this ties to the behavior of seeking external validation in order to feel that sense of worthiness.

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I'm very familiar with this.

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Growing up, I was really only praised for things that I did, never really for who I am.

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This led me to being really good at being the helper

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and feeling like others will only appreciate me or find me valuable if I am doing something for them.

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And it creates this very shaky or weaker sense of self-worth

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because a lot of times people will always appreciate what you do for them

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or notice it or they may not even want you to help them.

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The important point is this and it ties into setting boundaries.

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A lot of times we smear our own boundaries in order to feel that acceptance or that love.

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Maybe you're burnt out and you just want to take Sunday off.

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You're either afraid to disappoint your friend who's asking you to help them move.

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So you're exhausted and you're feeling resentful and you think that now they owe you a favor.

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Or you first try to say no but upon their insistence you start to feel guilty or unconsciously think, I'm not a good friend if I don't go help.

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So you say yes and maybe you begin to feel

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that your friends are only your friends because you do those things or you do those favors for them.

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It's impossible to believe or trust that someone loves you

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or accepts you for who you are

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if you're not being honest about who you are and what you want and more importantly what you don't want.

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So again avoid black and white thinking.

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Please know that I'm not saying to always 100% prioritize yourself.

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That's not possible.

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There's going to be moments when you show up for someone even though you're a little bit tired, even though you're burnt out.

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But it is the proportion of how you show up and how firmly you honor your own needs and your boundaries.

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If you're constantly worried about how other people are perceiving you or what you're doing, you're doing other people's tasks for them.

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Imagine you're an artist and you love the art that you make.

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You put it online and out of a hundred people that follow you, 20 of them adores your art and they buy it.

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70 of them felt indifferent or didn't connect to it and 10 of them are just straight-up haters.

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Is it possible for you to have everyone like what you do or who you are, but if If you love what you made and you firmly stand by it and enjoyed it,

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why try to control how it's being perceived?

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Because you simply cannot.

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You'll be pulled in literally a hundred different directions trying to please everybody.

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Trust that the people who genuinely matter and love you will love you through your imperfections.

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Know that you cannot control if someone is upset at you or mad at you, that is their task.

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Your task is to know what your integrity means, know your limits, know what is a no and what's a yes,

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and allow everyone else to do their tasks.

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How you're perceived is not your task.

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All we can do is operate from the latest updated version of ourselves.

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Not perfectly because we're human, but we do our best and we take responsibility and accountability for our words and actions and our behaviors.

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But how it is received is not something that you have any say in, no matter how much you push or you bend.

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As you can probably tell, I am an avid reader.

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And if you're curious, you can check out my video, Five Books That Would Change Your Life.

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You can also follow my podcast, Path Back to You, join the Modern Pen Pal newsletter, or you can follow me on any of the social media platforms.

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I'll have everything listed down below.

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Until next time.

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Thank you.

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This B2 speaking lesson is built on the video “How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation”. The speaker keeps coming back to these words: self, sense, worth. This video has 205 sentences and 3003 words to shadow. The speech runs for 15:14. The speaker talks fast, about 197 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 87% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.

Key vocabulary in this video

The 15 most advanced words in the video, with pronunciation and meaning:

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
perceive verb	/pɚˈsiv/	To become aware of, through the physical senses, to see; to understand.
arrogant adjective	/ˈæɹəɡənt/	Having excessive pride in oneself, often with contempt or disrespect for others.
uncomfortable adjective	/ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/	Not comfortable; causing discomfort.
compassion noun	/kəmˈpæʃ.ən/	Deep awareness of the suffering of others that people have to the point of them being motivated to relieve such states.
strengthen verb	/ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/	To make strong or stronger; to add strength to; to increase the strength of; to fortify.
boundary noun	/ˈbaʊndɹi/	The dividing line or location between two areas.
acceptance noun	/əkˈsɛp.təns/	The act of accepting; the receiving of something offered, with acquiescence, approbation, or satisfaction; especially, favourable reception; approval.
dictate verb	/ˈdɪkˌteɪt/	To order, command, control.
chunk noun	/t͡ʃʌŋk/	A part of something that has been separated; a generally squat, thick, irregular piece of something, e.g. wood or stone.
esteem verb	/ɪˈstiːm/	To set a high value on; to regard with respect or reverence.
unconscious adjective	/ˌʌnˈkɑnʃəs/	Not awake; having no awareness (usually as the result of a head injury).
firmly adverb	/ˈfɝmli/	In a firm or definite or strong manner.
ashamed adjective	/əˈʃeɪmd/	Feeling shame or guilt.
separation noun	/ˌsɛp.əˈɹeɪ.ʃən/	The act of disuniting two or more things, or the condition of being separated.
podcast noun	/ˈpɑdˌkæst/	A program, especially an audio program, produced on a regular basis, delivered over the Internet in a compressed digital format and designed for playback on…

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
come up verb		To emerge or become known, especially unexpectedly.
go out verb		To leave, especially a building.
break down verb		To stop functioning.
check out verb		To record the departure or withdrawal of someone or something (such as guests, employees, books, etc.).
come up with verb		To manage to produce, deliver, or present (something) by inventing, creating, thinking of, or obtaining it.
grow up verb		To mature and become an adult.
make up verb	/ˌmeɪk ˈʌp/	To constitute, to compose.
show up verb		To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically.

Sentences worth repeating

Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:

No one's going to come and fix you.
I'm not going to dive into the details.
I'll give you an example.
I don't judge it at all.
I don't think that's practical or realistic.

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	is equipped · were born · be believed
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	I've broken · has passed · haven't accepted
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	part, which is · people who do · people who genuinely

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 77 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “th” sounds: strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/, worthiness /ˈwɜː(ɹ)ðɪnəs/, thrive /θɹajv/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/
The “sh” and “zh” sounds: compassion /kəmˈpæʃ.ən/, unconscious /ˌʌnˈkɑnʃəs/, ashamed /əˈʃeɪmd/, separation /ˌsɛp.əˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, foundational /faʊnˈdeɪ.ʃə.nəl/
Long words — get the stress right: uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, separation /ˌsɛp.əˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, achievable /əˈt͡ʃivəbəl/, contradictory /ˌkɑntɹəˈdɪktəɹi/, foundational /faʊnˈdeɪ.ʃə.nəl/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like perceive, arrogant, uncomfortable.

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

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