Shadowing Practice: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Welcome to the Lazy English Club.
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Today's episode, Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?
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I need to tell you about my calendar.
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That sounds ominous.
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It is.
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On the 4th, I'm helping Priya move into her new flat, 3rd floor, no lift.
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Okay.
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On the 11th, I'm helping my cousin move out of his flat.
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He has, and I quote, a few boxes, which knowing him means a piano.
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And the 3rd?
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On the 25th, I'm helping a colleague I've spoken to perhaps four times move her entire life across the city.
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How did that last one happen?
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Honestly, I'm not sure.
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She mentioned it in the kitchen at work, said she was struggling to find people, and I heard a voice say, oh, I can.
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Help if you need.
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And the voice was mine.
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So three removal vans.
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Three removal vans and one rather fragile back.
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I'm Sam.
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And I'm Alex.
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Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
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Even to small things.
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A coffee we don't have time for.
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A favor that's going to cost us a whole weekend.
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An extra project at work.
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We'll talk about where that reflex comes from, whether it's generosity or something less noble and where you might reasonably draw the line.
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And I'll confess that I used to be a world -class people pleaser, and that learning to say no was,
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in some ways, harder than learning a language.
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I'll also be asking whether saying no can go too far, because I suspect it can.
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I suspect you're right.
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And as always, there's no need to answer out loud when we ask you something.
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So let's start with that moment in the kitchen.
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What was going through your head when you offered to help?
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That's the strange thing.
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Almost nothing.
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It wasn't a decision.
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It was a reflex.
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Someone Everyone presents a problem and there's a sort of gap in the conversation and I feel compelled to fill it. With yourself?
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With myself, like a human sandbag.
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I recognize that completely.
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For years, I couldn't hear someone describe a problem without immediately volunteering to solve it.
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I think I thought that was what being a good person meant.
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And was it?
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Partly.
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I mean, I genuinely like helping people.
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That part wasn't fake, but there was also something more anxious underneath.
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A feeling that if I didn't say yes, people would think less of me, or stop liking me altogether.
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That's the people pleaser part, I suppose.
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Yes, a people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to make others happy, often at their own expense.
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And the important bit is, at their own expense.
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Wanting people to be happy isn't the problem.
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So the problem is when you start disappearing from your own life.
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That's a good way of putting it.
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There was a year when I calculated that I'd spent more weekends helping other people than doing anything I'd chosen for myself.
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You calculated it.
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I'm the kind of person who calculates things when I'm upset.
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That's very you.
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And the worst part wasn't the time.
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It was that I'd started to quietly resent people.
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People who'd done nothing wrong.
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They'd asked, I'd said yes, and then I felt annoyed with them for asking.
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Which isn't really fair on them.
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Not remotely.
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They had no way of knowing I didn't want to.
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I'd smiled and said of course.
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Can we talk about where this comes from, because I don't think it's the same for everyone.
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Definitely not.
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I think for some people it's about family.
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If you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was important, or where someone's mood dominated the house,
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you can become very good at anticipating what others need.
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And very bad at noticing what you need.
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Sometimes, yes.
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Though I don't want to turn this into a story where everyone's childhood explains everything.
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No. For me, I think it's partly cultural.
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In my family, if someone asks for help, you help.
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That's just how it works.
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My grandmother would have been horrified if I told a cousin I was too busy to help him move.
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And is that a bad thing?
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I don't think so.
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Not entirely.
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There's something rather beautiful about it, actually.
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A web of people who show up for each other without keeping score.
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If I needed help, I know at least six relatives would arrive with a van and a cake.
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That does sound beautiful.
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The problem is when you take that family rule and apply it to everyone, including a colleague you've spoken to four times.
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So the instinct is generous, but it's been, let's say, overextended.
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Overextended, like my back will be.
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I think there's also a modern dimension to it.
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Everything is so visible now.
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People can see whether you've read their message.
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They can see you were online.
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So it's harder to quietly not respond.
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Yes, the old excuse, sorry I didn't see your message until Sunday, doesn't really work anymore.
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And that makes some people feel they have to give a reason for everything.
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Not just no sorry, but a full explanation with evidence.
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A legal defense.
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Practically, which makes saying no feel exhausting, so it's easier to just say yes.
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What about you listening?
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Does saying no feel harder with certain people?
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Family, friends, people at work?
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Who's hardest for you to say no to?
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Can I tell you about the moment I realized I had a problem?
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Please.
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A friend of mine was getting married.
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I was a bridesmaid, which was lovely.
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But somehow I'd also agreed to make all the decorations, organize the hen party, collect relatives from the airport, and bake the cake.
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The cake?
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You bake the wedding cake.
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Three tiers, lemon and elderflower.
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Sam, that's not helping.
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That's a second job.
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I know.
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I was bending over backwards for everyone.
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That's the expression, isn't it?
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When you try extremely hard to help or please someone, more than is reasonable.
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Like a gymnast.
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An exhausted gymnast.
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And the night before the wedding, I was in my kitchen at 2 in the morning, trying to stop the second tear from sliding off.
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The first, and I just sat down on the floor and cried.
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Oh no. And it wasn't the cake.
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It was that I suddenly understood that nobody had asked me to do all of this.
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Not really.
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My friend had asked if I could help with a few bits.
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Everything else I'd volunteered for.
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So you'd built your own trap.
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I had, beautifully decorated, with lemon and elderflower.
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Did the cake survive?
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It survived.
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It leaned slightly to the left in the photos, But my friend said it was perfect.
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And did she ever find out about the 2 a .m.
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crying?
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Years later, she was horrified.
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She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
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We could have just bought a cake.
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That's the bit I find interesting.
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The person you're trying to please often doesn't want you to suffer.
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They'd much rather you just said no. I think that's frequently true.
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We imagine people are going to be furious, and actually they say, oh, okay, no problem, and move on.
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Whereas we spend three days rehearsing the conversation.
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Rehearsing it in the shower.
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Writing and deleting the message 11 times.
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I want to push back a bit though.
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Go on.
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There's a lot of talk now about boundaries and saying no and protecting your energy.
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And some of it is helpful, but some of it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
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Why?
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Because it can turn into a kind of permission to be selfish.
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I've heard people say, sorry, I can't come to your birthday, I'm protecting my peace.
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And I think, well, maybe sometimes your peace needs to be slightly disturbed for the sake of a friend.
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Laughs, that's fair.
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I've definitely heard that kind of thing.
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I suppose my worry is that we're losing something.
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That idea that being part of a community sometimes means doing things you don't feel like doing.
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I agree with that, actually.
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I think when I first learned to say no, I overcorrected.
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I went from yes to everything to no to almost everything.
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Really?
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For a while, yes.
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Someone would ask for something small, and I'd say no, just to prove I could.
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It felt powerful.
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But looking back, I missed some things I'd have enjoyed.
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And I probably let some people down unnecessarily.
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So where's the difference between a healthy no and a selfish no?
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I think for me it comes down to why you're saying yes.
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If you're saying yes because you genuinely want to help, or because this person matters to you and you're happy to, make the effort, that's generosity.
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And if you're saying yes because you're scared?
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Then it's not really generosity.
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It's fear dressed up as kindness.
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That's quite a sharp line.
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It's not always that clear, of course.
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Usually it's a mix.
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But asking yourself, am I doing this out of obligation, or because I want to, is a useful question.
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Out of obligation, meaning you do it because you feel you have to, not because you want to.
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Exactly.
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And to be fair, some things should be done out of obligation.
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Visiting a relative in hospital, for example.
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You might not feel like it, but you go.
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Right.
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Obligation isn't always bad.
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Sometimes it's what holds things together.
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Agreed.
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The problem is when everything in your life becomes an obligation, condition, and nothing is left that you actually chose.
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Let's do our statements.
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I'll read three and we'll see whether we agree, disagree, or want to add a condition.
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Go ahead.
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Statement 1, you should never have to explain why you're saying no. Hmm, I mostly agree, with a condition.
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I think you don't owe a long explanation to everyone.
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But with people you're close to, a little honesty helps.
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I'm exhausted this week, is kinder than a mysterious I can't.
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I'd agree.
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With strangers or acquaintances, no, sorry, I can't make it is perfectly fine.
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With your best friend, a reason is a sign of respect.
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Statement 2.
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Statement 2, people who always say yes are secretly controlling.
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Ooh, that's provocative.
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I thought you'd like that one.
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I partly disagree.
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I don't think most people pleasers are trying to control anyone.
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But I do think there can be an unspoken deal.
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I've done all this for you, so now you owe me.
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And that can feel quite heavy for the other person.
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Yes, like a gift with a long receipt attached.
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Exactly.
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Statement 3.
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Statement 3.
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Saying no is easier when you're older.
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I'd say it's true for me.
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I care less now about whether everyone likes me.
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But I don't think it's automatic.
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I know people in their 70s who still can't say no to a second slice of cake they don't want.
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That's my grandmother, except she's the one forcing the cake on people.
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So she's never had to say no. She's the one everyone has to say no to.
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And nobody can.
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What about you listening?
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Pick one of those statements.
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Do you agree, disagree, or would you add a condition?
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So, practically speaking, how did you actually learn to say no?
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Slowly.
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And badly, at first.
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The first thing that helped was giving myself time time.
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I stopped answering immediately.
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If someone asked me for something, I'd say, let me check and get back to you.
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That's clever, because the reflex only works in the moment.
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Exactly.
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The yes comes out before you've thought.
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If you can buy yourself even an hour, you can actually ask, do I want to do this?
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Do I have the time?
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I need that, I need a little gap between my brain and my mouth.
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Most of us do.
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The second thing was deciding where to draw the line before anyone asked.
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Draw the line, decide the limit of what you're willing to do.
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Yes.
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For instance, I decided I would help with one big thing per month.
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One house move, one wedding, one big favor.
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After that, it's no, however nice the person is.
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That's quite a structured approach.
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It's very me.
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But it meant I didn't have to agonize each time.
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The decision was already made.
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Like a policy.
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A personal policy.
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And it's surprisingly easy to say, sorry, I've already got something big on this month.
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Because it's true.
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I like that, and what about when people push, when you say no and they keep asking?
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That's where you sometimes have to put your foot down.
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Put your foot down, be firm, refuse clearly even if someone's pressuring you.
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Exactly.
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Calmly, but clearly.
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I understand it's difficult, but I really can't this time.
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And then stop talking.
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That's the hard part.
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The silence.
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The silence.
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Because the temptation is to fill it with apologies and excuses, and then somehow you end up agreeing.
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I'm very good at filling silences.
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It's a talent and a curse.
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Can I say something in defense of saying yes?
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Please, I've been feeling attacked.
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Laughs.
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Some of the best things in my life came from saying yes, when I didn't want to.
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I met one of my closest friends at a party I almost didn't go to.
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I was tired.
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I had my pajamas on.
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Someone persuaded me.
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And you went?
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I went reluctantly.
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And I spent the whole night talking to a woman in the kitchen about our terrible taste in music.
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We've been friends for nine years.
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So sometimes you just have to go along with things.
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Exactly.
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Go along with something, accept a plan or a suggestion, even if you're not enthusiastic about it.
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And sometimes, that's how good things happen.
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That's what I worry we'll lose if everyone becomes very efficient about protecting their time.
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The accidental parties.
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The kitchen conversations.
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I think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to tell the difference.
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Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
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Or because I'm comfortable and a bit lazy? and this might actually be good for me.
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I'm usually the second one.
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I know, and that's why you're helping three people move house.
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No, no, that's the first one.
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I'm genuinely overloaded.
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I just didn't notice.
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So what are you going to do about the three removal vans?
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I've been thinking about that.
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Priya is a close friend.
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I want to help her.
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I'm doing that one happily.
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Good.
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My cousin family rules apply.
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I'm going, piano or no piano.
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And the colleague?
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I sent her a message this morning.
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I said, I'm really sorry, I offered without thinking, and I've realized I've already got two moves that month.
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I can't do the whole day, but I could come for two hours in the morning and bring coffee.
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Oh, that's nice.
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That's a partial no. A compromise, a small caffeinated compromise.
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And what did she say?
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She said, oh, thank goodness, I felt so bad you offered, honestly, two hours and coffee would be amazing.
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So she felt guilty too.
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She felt guilty for accepting, I felt guilty for offering, it was guilt all round.
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That's quite a British situation.
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We'd both have spent the whole day apologizing to each other while carrying a sofa.
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Today, we talked about being a people pleaser, bending over backwards, going along with things, doing, something out of obligation,
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drawing the line, and putting your foot down.
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You don't need to remember all of them, but if one stays with you, maybe that's the one you need this week.
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For me, it's draw the line.
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Deciding in advance has saved me a lot of 2A, M, cakes.
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For me, it's go along with, because I still want to be the kind of person who goes to the party in the end.
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And one question before we go.
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What's one thing you'd like to say no to this month, and one thing you'd like to say yes to?
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You can think about it, say it, or leave a comment if you want to share.
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I'm Sam.
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Thanks for saying yes to listening, here at the Lazy English Club.
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I'm Alec.
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See you next time.
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If you need help moving house, the answer is let me check and get back to you.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?”. This video has 317 sentences and 2722 words to shadow. The speech runs for 16:39. The speaker talks at a natural 164 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 82% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| obligation noun | /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/ | The act of binding oneself by a social, legal, or moral tie to someone. |
| genuinely adverb | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | In a genuine manner; truthfully, truly. |
| relative noun | /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/ | Someone connected by blood, marriage, or adoption; someone in the same family. |
| silence noun | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | The absence of any sound. |
| cousin noun | /ˈkʌz(ə)n/ | Chiefly with a qualifying word: Any relation (especially a distant one) who is not a direct ancestor or descendant but part of a person's extended family; a… |
| removal noun | /ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/ | The process of removing or the fact of being removed. |
| piano noun | /piˈænɪː/ | A percussive keyboard musical instrument, usually ranging over seven octaves, with white and black colored keys, played by pressing these keys, causing hammers… |
| partly adverb | /ˈpɑɹtli/ | In part, or to some degree, but not completely. |
| lazy adjective | /ˈleɪ̯zi(ː)/ | Unwilling to do work or make an effort; disinclined to exertion. |
| disagree verb | /dɪsəˈɡɹi/ | To fail to agree; to have a different opinion or belief. |
| colleague noun | /ˈkɒliːɡ/ | A fellow member of a profession, staff, academic faculty or other organization; an associate, a workmate. |
| calculate verb | /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/ | To determine the value of something or the solution to something by a mathematical process. |
| exhaust verb | /ɪɡˈzɔst/ | To draw or let out wholly; to drain completely. |
| generosity noun | /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/ | The trait of being willing to donate money, resources, or time. |
| explanation noun | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | The act or process of explaining. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| go along with verb | To acquiesce to or comply with a proposal, despite lacking a desire or value for it. | |
| get back to verb | Return to (an activity) | |
| come down to verb | To reach by moving down or reducing. | |
| come out verb | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | To be discovered; to be revealed. |
| do out of verb | To use unfair means to deprive (someone) of (something). | |
| dress up verb | To put on special or fancy clothes. | |
| end up verb | To bring to a conclusion. | |
| go ahead verb | /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ | To proceed with; to begin. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
- Who's hardest for you to say no to?
- She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
- Do I have the time?
- Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've spoken · you've spoken · it's been |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | someone who constantly · person who calculates · people who show |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | have been horrified · should be done · is left |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 108 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, you're, I'd. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, sharp /ʃɑɹp/, efficient /ɪˈfɪʃənt/
- Long words — get the stress right: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like obligation, genuinely, relative.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.