Pratique du Shadowing: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
Choisissez un mode d'entraînement
Chaque mode ouvre une salle d'entraînement en plein écran.
317 phrases
Si les phrases sont trop courtes ou trop longues, cliquez sur Edit pour les ajuster.
1
Welcome to the Lazy English Club.
2
Today's episode, Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?
3
I need to tell you about my calendar.
4
That sounds ominous.
5
It is.
6
On the 4th, I'm helping Priya move into her new flat, 3rd floor, no lift.
7
Okay.
8
On the 11th, I'm helping my cousin move out of his flat.
9
He has, and I quote, a few boxes, which knowing him means a piano.
10
And the 3rd?
11
On the 25th, I'm helping a colleague I've spoken to perhaps four times move her entire life across the city.
12
How did that last one happen?
13
Honestly, I'm not sure.
14
She mentioned it in the kitchen at work, said she was struggling to find people, and I heard a voice say, oh, I can.
15
Help if you need.
16
And the voice was mine.
17
So three removal vans.
18
Three removal vans and one rather fragile back.
19
I'm Sam.
20
And I'm Alex.
21
Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
22
Even to small things.
23
A coffee we don't have time for.
24
A favor that's going to cost us a whole weekend.
25
An extra project at work.
26
We'll talk about where that reflex comes from, whether it's generosity or something less noble and where you might reasonably draw the line.
27
And I'll confess that I used to be a world -class people pleaser, and that learning to say no was,
28
in some ways, harder than learning a language.
29
I'll also be asking whether saying no can go too far, because I suspect it can.
30
I suspect you're right.
31
And as always, there's no need to answer out loud when we ask you something.
32
So let's start with that moment in the kitchen.
33
What was going through your head when you offered to help?
34
That's the strange thing.
35
Almost nothing.
36
It wasn't a decision.
37
It was a reflex.
38
Someone Everyone presents a problem and there's a sort of gap in the conversation and I feel compelled to fill it. With yourself?
39
With myself, like a human sandbag.
40
I recognize that completely.
41
For years, I couldn't hear someone describe a problem without immediately volunteering to solve it.
42
I think I thought that was what being a good person meant.
43
And was it?
44
Partly.
45
I mean, I genuinely like helping people.
46
That part wasn't fake, but there was also something more anxious underneath.
47
A feeling that if I didn't say yes, people would think less of me, or stop liking me altogether.
48
That's the people pleaser part, I suppose.
49
Yes, a people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to make others happy, often at their own expense.
50
And the important bit is, at their own expense.
51
Wanting people to be happy isn't the problem.
52
So the problem is when you start disappearing from your own life.
53
That's a good way of putting it.
54
There was a year when I calculated that I'd spent more weekends helping other people than doing anything I'd chosen for myself.
55
You calculated it.
56
I'm the kind of person who calculates things when I'm upset.
57
That's very you.
58
And the worst part wasn't the time.
59
It was that I'd started to quietly resent people.
60
People who'd done nothing wrong.
61
They'd asked, I'd said yes, and then I felt annoyed with them for asking.
62
Which isn't really fair on them.
63
Not remotely.
64
They had no way of knowing I didn't want to.
65
I'd smiled and said of course.
66
Can we talk about where this comes from, because I don't think it's the same for everyone.
67
Definitely not.
68
I think for some people it's about family.
69
If you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was important, or where someone's mood dominated the house,
70
you can become very good at anticipating what others need.
71
And very bad at noticing what you need.
72
Sometimes, yes.
73
Though I don't want to turn this into a story where everyone's childhood explains everything.
74
No. For me, I think it's partly cultural.
75
In my family, if someone asks for help, you help.
76
That's just how it works.
77
My grandmother would have been horrified if I told a cousin I was too busy to help him move.
78
And is that a bad thing?
79
I don't think so.
80
Not entirely.
81
There's something rather beautiful about it, actually.
82
A web of people who show up for each other without keeping score.
83
If I needed help, I know at least six relatives would arrive with a van and a cake.
84
That does sound beautiful.
85
The problem is when you take that family rule and apply it to everyone, including a colleague you've spoken to four times.
86
So the instinct is generous, but it's been, let's say, overextended.
87
Overextended, like my back will be.
88
I think there's also a modern dimension to it.
89
Everything is so visible now.
90
People can see whether you've read their message.
91
They can see you were online.
92
So it's harder to quietly not respond.
93
Yes, the old excuse, sorry I didn't see your message until Sunday, doesn't really work anymore.
94
And that makes some people feel they have to give a reason for everything.
95
Not just no sorry, but a full explanation with evidence.
96
A legal defense.
97
Practically, which makes saying no feel exhausting, so it's easier to just say yes.
98
What about you listening?
99
Does saying no feel harder with certain people?
100
Family, friends, people at work?
101
Who's hardest for you to say no to?
102
Can I tell you about the moment I realized I had a problem?
103
Please.
104
A friend of mine was getting married.
105
I was a bridesmaid, which was lovely.
106
But somehow I'd also agreed to make all the decorations, organize the hen party, collect relatives from the airport, and bake the cake.
107
The cake?
108
You bake the wedding cake.
109
Three tiers, lemon and elderflower.
110
Sam, that's not helping.
111
That's a second job.
112
I know.
113
I was bending over backwards for everyone.
114
That's the expression, isn't it?
115
When you try extremely hard to help or please someone, more than is reasonable.
116
Like a gymnast.
117
An exhausted gymnast.
118
And the night before the wedding, I was in my kitchen at 2 in the morning, trying to stop the second tear from sliding off.
119
The first, and I just sat down on the floor and cried.
120
Oh no. And it wasn't the cake.
121
It was that I suddenly understood that nobody had asked me to do all of this.
122
Not really.
123
My friend had asked if I could help with a few bits.
124
Everything else I'd volunteered for.
125
So you'd built your own trap.
126
I had, beautifully decorated, with lemon and elderflower.
127
Did the cake survive?
128
It survived.
129
It leaned slightly to the left in the photos, But my friend said it was perfect.
130
And did she ever find out about the 2 a .m.
131
crying?
132
Years later, she was horrified.
133
She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
134
We could have just bought a cake.
135
That's the bit I find interesting.
136
The person you're trying to please often doesn't want you to suffer.
137
They'd much rather you just said no. I think that's frequently true.
138
We imagine people are going to be furious, and actually they say, oh, okay, no problem, and move on.
139
Whereas we spend three days rehearsing the conversation.
140
Rehearsing it in the shower.
141
Writing and deleting the message 11 times.
142
I want to push back a bit though.
143
Go on.
144
There's a lot of talk now about boundaries and saying no and protecting your energy.
145
And some of it is helpful, but some of it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
146
Why?
147
Because it can turn into a kind of permission to be selfish.
148
I've heard people say, sorry, I can't come to your birthday, I'm protecting my peace.
149
And I think, well, maybe sometimes your peace needs to be slightly disturbed for the sake of a friend.
150
Laughs, that's fair.
151
I've definitely heard that kind of thing.
152
I suppose my worry is that we're losing something.
153
That idea that being part of a community sometimes means doing things you don't feel like doing.
154
I agree with that, actually.
155
I think when I first learned to say no, I overcorrected.
156
I went from yes to everything to no to almost everything.
157
Really?
158
For a while, yes.
159
Someone would ask for something small, and I'd say no, just to prove I could.
160
It felt powerful.
161
But looking back, I missed some things I'd have enjoyed.
162
And I probably let some people down unnecessarily.
163
So where's the difference between a healthy no and a selfish no?
164
I think for me it comes down to why you're saying yes.
165
If you're saying yes because you genuinely want to help, or because this person matters to you and you're happy to, make the effort, that's generosity.
166
And if you're saying yes because you're scared?
167
Then it's not really generosity.
168
It's fear dressed up as kindness.
169
That's quite a sharp line.
170
It's not always that clear, of course.
171
Usually it's a mix.
172
But asking yourself, am I doing this out of obligation, or because I want to, is a useful question.
173
Out of obligation, meaning you do it because you feel you have to, not because you want to.
174
Exactly.
175
And to be fair, some things should be done out of obligation.
176
Visiting a relative in hospital, for example.
177
You might not feel like it, but you go.
178
Right.
179
Obligation isn't always bad.
180
Sometimes it's what holds things together.
181
Agreed.
182
The problem is when everything in your life becomes an obligation, condition, and nothing is left that you actually chose.
183
Let's do our statements.
184
I'll read three and we'll see whether we agree, disagree, or want to add a condition.
185
Go ahead.
186
Statement 1, you should never have to explain why you're saying no. Hmm, I mostly agree, with a condition.
187
I think you don't owe a long explanation to everyone.
188
But with people you're close to, a little honesty helps.
189
I'm exhausted this week, is kinder than a mysterious I can't.
190
I'd agree.
191
With strangers or acquaintances, no, sorry, I can't make it is perfectly fine.
192
With your best friend, a reason is a sign of respect.
193
Statement 2.
194
Statement 2, people who always say yes are secretly controlling.
195
Ooh, that's provocative.
196
I thought you'd like that one.
197
I partly disagree.
198
I don't think most people pleasers are trying to control anyone.
199
But I do think there can be an unspoken deal.
200
I've done all this for you, so now you owe me.
201
And that can feel quite heavy for the other person.
202
Yes, like a gift with a long receipt attached.
203
Exactly.
204
Statement 3.
205
Statement 3.
206
Saying no is easier when you're older.
207
I'd say it's true for me.
208
I care less now about whether everyone likes me.
209
But I don't think it's automatic.
210
I know people in their 70s who still can't say no to a second slice of cake they don't want.
211
That's my grandmother, except she's the one forcing the cake on people.
212
So she's never had to say no. She's the one everyone has to say no to.
213
And nobody can.
214
What about you listening?
215
Pick one of those statements.
216
Do you agree, disagree, or would you add a condition?
217
So, practically speaking, how did you actually learn to say no?
218
Slowly.
219
And badly, at first.
220
The first thing that helped was giving myself time time.
221
I stopped answering immediately.
222
If someone asked me for something, I'd say, let me check and get back to you.
223
That's clever, because the reflex only works in the moment.
224
Exactly.
225
The yes comes out before you've thought.
226
If you can buy yourself even an hour, you can actually ask, do I want to do this?
227
Do I have the time?
228
I need that, I need a little gap between my brain and my mouth.
229
Most of us do.
230
The second thing was deciding where to draw the line before anyone asked.
231
Draw the line, decide the limit of what you're willing to do.
232
Yes.
233
For instance, I decided I would help with one big thing per month.
234
One house move, one wedding, one big favor.
235
After that, it's no, however nice the person is.
236
That's quite a structured approach.
237
It's very me.
238
But it meant I didn't have to agonize each time.
239
The decision was already made.
240
Like a policy.
241
A personal policy.
242
And it's surprisingly easy to say, sorry, I've already got something big on this month.
243
Because it's true.
244
I like that, and what about when people push, when you say no and they keep asking?
245
That's where you sometimes have to put your foot down.
246
Put your foot down, be firm, refuse clearly even if someone's pressuring you.
247
Exactly.
248
Calmly, but clearly.
249
I understand it's difficult, but I really can't this time.
250
And then stop talking.
251
That's the hard part.
252
The silence.
253
The silence.
254
Because the temptation is to fill it with apologies and excuses, and then somehow you end up agreeing.
255
I'm very good at filling silences.
256
It's a talent and a curse.
257
Can I say something in defense of saying yes?
258
Please, I've been feeling attacked.
259
Laughs.
260
Some of the best things in my life came from saying yes, when I didn't want to.
261
I met one of my closest friends at a party I almost didn't go to.
262
I was tired.
263
I had my pajamas on.
264
Someone persuaded me.
265
And you went?
266
I went reluctantly.
267
And I spent the whole night talking to a woman in the kitchen about our terrible taste in music.
268
We've been friends for nine years.
269
So sometimes you just have to go along with things.
270
Exactly.
271
Go along with something, accept a plan or a suggestion, even if you're not enthusiastic about it.
272
And sometimes, that's how good things happen.
273
That's what I worry we'll lose if everyone becomes very efficient about protecting their time.
274
The accidental parties.
275
The kitchen conversations.
276
I think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to tell the difference.
277
Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
278
Or because I'm comfortable and a bit lazy? and this might actually be good for me.
279
I'm usually the second one.
280
I know, and that's why you're helping three people move house.
281
No, no, that's the first one.
282
I'm genuinely overloaded.
283
I just didn't notice.
284
So what are you going to do about the three removal vans?
285
I've been thinking about that.
286
Priya is a close friend.
287
I want to help her.
288
I'm doing that one happily.
289
Good.
290
My cousin family rules apply.
291
I'm going, piano or no piano.
292
And the colleague?
293
I sent her a message this morning.
294
I said, I'm really sorry, I offered without thinking, and I've realized I've already got two moves that month.
295
I can't do the whole day, but I could come for two hours in the morning and bring coffee.
296
Oh, that's nice.
297
That's a partial no. A compromise, a small caffeinated compromise.
298
And what did she say?
299
She said, oh, thank goodness, I felt so bad you offered, honestly, two hours and coffee would be amazing.
300
So she felt guilty too.
301
She felt guilty for accepting, I felt guilty for offering, it was guilt all round.
302
That's quite a British situation.
303
We'd both have spent the whole day apologizing to each other while carrying a sofa.
304
Today, we talked about being a people pleaser, bending over backwards, going along with things, doing, something out of obligation,
305
drawing the line, and putting your foot down.
306
You don't need to remember all of them, but if one stays with you, maybe that's the one you need this week.
307
For me, it's draw the line.
308
Deciding in advance has saved me a lot of 2A, M, cakes.
309
For me, it's go along with, because I still want to be the kind of person who goes to the party in the end.
310
And one question before we go.
311
What's one thing you'd like to say no to this month, and one thing you'd like to say yes to?
312
You can think about it, say it, or leave a comment if you want to share.
313
I'm Sam.
314
Thanks for saying yes to listening, here at the Lazy English Club.
315
I'm Alec.
316
See you next time.
317
If you need help moving house, the answer is let me check and get back to you.
Télécharger l'application
Tout pour parler couramment
Prononciation IAChaque phrase notée
Phonétique (IPA)Maîtrisez chaque son
VocabulaireEnrichissez votre lexique
Jeu de vocabulaireApprenez en jouant
Même chaîne
FOR YOU
Vidéo recommandée
C11
251 phrases
Things That Are Not What They Seem and the Truth About Life | Advanced Podcast for Conversations
Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B137
32 phrases
SEtalk: Stop Saying "I'm So Busy"
American AccentDaily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
C12
82 phrases
The 4 inner voices that we have that sabotage us. @Dr.ShadeZahrai
Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
C14
466 phrases
English Podcast for Learning English | Talk About Climate Change in English | B2-C1 Conversation
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
C13
385 phrases
C1 English Listening Practice | The Science Behind Motivation | Improve Your English Fluency Fast
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
B215
158 phrases
The Fear of Disappointing People Can Ruin Your Life | B2 English Shadowing
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
C15
336 phrases
The Mother Tongue Guilt: Why You Feel Like You're Losing Your Native Self
Daily ConversationWorking Adults
B22
207 phrases
Stop Saying "I'm Fine" 😮 Say THIS Instead to Sound Like a Native | Talk About Feelings in English
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
C1113 phrases
Schuldgefühle überwinden: 7 Tipps, um das schlechte Gewissen loszuwerden
Business EnglishUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B2191 phrases
E13: British Politeness Culture — After You, No After You | English Like Locals
Daily ConversationWorking Adults
C12
37 phrases
American English Connected Reading ｜TedTalk (Part two)
Daily ConversationUniversity StudentsWorking Adults
B22
256 phrases
You Are Not Lazy, You Just Need a Better Routine! | Advanced Podcast for Real-Life Conversations
Business EnglishDaily ConversationUniversity Students
Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette leçon d’expression orale s’appuie sur la vidéo « Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? ». Cette vidéo contient 317 phrases et 2722 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 16:39. Le locuteur parle à un rythme naturel d’environ 164 mots par minute, proche d’une conversation courante. 82 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais ; le reste mérite d’être vu avant de commencer.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
15 mots de la vidéo à retenir, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| obligation nom | /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/ | obligation |
| genuinely adverbe | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | authentiquement, réellement |
| relative nom | /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/ | parent |
| silence nom | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | silence |
| cousin nom | /ˈkʌz(ə)n/ | cousin, cousine |
| removal nom | /ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/ | enlèvement, élimination |
| piano nom | /piˈænɪː/ | piano |
| partly adverbe | /ˈpɑɹtli/ | en partie |
| lazy adjectif | /ˈleɪ̯zi(ː)/ | paresseux, fainéant |
| disagree verbe | /dɪsəˈɡɹi/ | ne pas être d'accord, être en désaccord |
| colleague nom | /ˈkɒliːɡ/ | collègue, confrère |
| calculate verbe | /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/ | calculer |
| exhaust verbe | /ɪɡˈzɔst/ | épuiser |
| generosity nom | /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/ | générosité, bonté |
| explanation nom | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | explication |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| come out verbe | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | sortir |
| end up verbe | se terminer, se finir | |
| go ahead verbe | /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ | vas-y, allez-y |
| go through verbe | traverser | |
| look back verbe | se remémorer |
Des phrases à répéter
Des phrases courtes et complètes de la vidéo, à réutiliser dans la conversation de tous les jours :
- Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
- Who's hardest for you to say no to?
- She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
- Do I have the time?
- Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | I've spoken · you've spoken · it's been |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | someone who constantly · person who calculates · people who show |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | have been horrified · should be done · is left |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 108 contractions et formes réduites, comme I'm, you're, I'd. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « th »: grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, sharp /ʃɑɹp/, efficient /ɪˈfɪʃənt/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/
Les sons difficiles pour les francophones :
- /h/ — il se souffle, il n’est pas muet: helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, happily /ˈhæp.ə.li/, horrify /ˈhɒɹɪfaɪ/, rehearse /ɹɪˈhɝs/
- /tʃ/ et /dʒ/ — à ne pas adoucir en « ch » et « j »: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, stranger /ˈstɹeɪnd͡ʒɚ/, suggestion /səˈd͡ʒɛst.ʃən/, generous /ˈd͡ʒɛn(ə)ɹəs/
- /r/ anglais — langue recourbée, sans frotter la gorge: relative /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/, removal /ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/, partly /ˈpɑɹtli/, disagree /dɪsəˈɡɹi/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Commencez à la vitesse 0,75×, répétez phrase par phrase, puis revenez à la vitesse normale quand cela devient facile.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme obligation, genuinely, relative.
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.