Pratica di Shadowing: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - Impara a parlare inglese con i video
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1
Welcome to the Lazy English Club.
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Today's episode, Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?
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I need to tell you about my calendar.
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That sounds ominous.
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It is.
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On the 4th, I'm helping Priya move into her new flat, 3rd floor, no lift.
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Okay.
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On the 11th, I'm helping my cousin move out of his flat.
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He has, and I quote, a few boxes, which knowing him means a piano.
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And the 3rd?
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On the 25th, I'm helping a colleague I've spoken to perhaps four times move her entire life across the city.
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How did that last one happen?
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Honestly, I'm not sure.
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She mentioned it in the kitchen at work, said she was struggling to find people, and I heard a voice say, oh, I can.
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Help if you need.
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And the voice was mine.
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So three removal vans.
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Three removal vans and one rather fragile back.
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I'm Sam.
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And I'm Alex.
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Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
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Even to small things.
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A coffee we don't have time for.
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A favor that's going to cost us a whole weekend.
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An extra project at work.
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We'll talk about where that reflex comes from, whether it's generosity or something less noble and where you might reasonably draw the line.
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And I'll confess that I used to be a world -class people pleaser, and that learning to say no was,
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in some ways, harder than learning a language.
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I'll also be asking whether saying no can go too far, because I suspect it can.
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I suspect you're right.
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And as always, there's no need to answer out loud when we ask you something.
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So let's start with that moment in the kitchen.
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What was going through your head when you offered to help?
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That's the strange thing.
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Almost nothing.
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It wasn't a decision.
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It was a reflex.
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Someone Everyone presents a problem and there's a sort of gap in the conversation and I feel compelled to fill it. With yourself?
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With myself, like a human sandbag.
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I recognize that completely.
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For years, I couldn't hear someone describe a problem without immediately volunteering to solve it.
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I think I thought that was what being a good person meant.
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And was it?
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Partly.
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I mean, I genuinely like helping people.
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That part wasn't fake, but there was also something more anxious underneath.
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A feeling that if I didn't say yes, people would think less of me, or stop liking me altogether.
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That's the people pleaser part, I suppose.
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Yes, a people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to make others happy, often at their own expense.
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And the important bit is, at their own expense.
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Wanting people to be happy isn't the problem.
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So the problem is when you start disappearing from your own life.
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That's a good way of putting it.
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There was a year when I calculated that I'd spent more weekends helping other people than doing anything I'd chosen for myself.
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You calculated it.
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I'm the kind of person who calculates things when I'm upset.
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That's very you.
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And the worst part wasn't the time.
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It was that I'd started to quietly resent people.
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People who'd done nothing wrong.
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They'd asked, I'd said yes, and then I felt annoyed with them for asking.
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Which isn't really fair on them.
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Not remotely.
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They had no way of knowing I didn't want to.
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I'd smiled and said of course.
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Can we talk about where this comes from, because I don't think it's the same for everyone.
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Definitely not.
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I think for some people it's about family.
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If you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was important, or where someone's mood dominated the house,
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you can become very good at anticipating what others need.
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And very bad at noticing what you need.
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Sometimes, yes.
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Though I don't want to turn this into a story where everyone's childhood explains everything.
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No. For me, I think it's partly cultural.
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In my family, if someone asks for help, you help.
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That's just how it works.
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My grandmother would have been horrified if I told a cousin I was too busy to help him move.
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And is that a bad thing?
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I don't think so.
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Not entirely.
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There's something rather beautiful about it, actually.
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A web of people who show up for each other without keeping score.
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If I needed help, I know at least six relatives would arrive with a van and a cake.
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That does sound beautiful.
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The problem is when you take that family rule and apply it to everyone, including a colleague you've spoken to four times.
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So the instinct is generous, but it's been, let's say, overextended.
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Overextended, like my back will be.
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I think there's also a modern dimension to it.
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Everything is so visible now.
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People can see whether you've read their message.
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They can see you were online.
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So it's harder to quietly not respond.
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Yes, the old excuse, sorry I didn't see your message until Sunday, doesn't really work anymore.
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And that makes some people feel they have to give a reason for everything.
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Not just no sorry, but a full explanation with evidence.
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A legal defense.
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Practically, which makes saying no feel exhausting, so it's easier to just say yes.
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What about you listening?
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Does saying no feel harder with certain people?
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Family, friends, people at work?
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Who's hardest for you to say no to?
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Can I tell you about the moment I realized I had a problem?
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Please.
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A friend of mine was getting married.
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I was a bridesmaid, which was lovely.
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But somehow I'd also agreed to make all the decorations, organize the hen party, collect relatives from the airport, and bake the cake.
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The cake?
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You bake the wedding cake.
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Three tiers, lemon and elderflower.
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Sam, that's not helping.
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That's a second job.
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I know.
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I was bending over backwards for everyone.
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That's the expression, isn't it?
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When you try extremely hard to help or please someone, more than is reasonable.
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Like a gymnast.
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An exhausted gymnast.
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And the night before the wedding, I was in my kitchen at 2 in the morning, trying to stop the second tear from sliding off.
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The first, and I just sat down on the floor and cried.
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Oh no. And it wasn't the cake.
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It was that I suddenly understood that nobody had asked me to do all of this.
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Not really.
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My friend had asked if I could help with a few bits.
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Everything else I'd volunteered for.
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So you'd built your own trap.
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I had, beautifully decorated, with lemon and elderflower.
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Did the cake survive?
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It survived.
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It leaned slightly to the left in the photos, But my friend said it was perfect.
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And did she ever find out about the 2 a .m.
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crying?
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Years later, she was horrified.
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She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
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We could have just bought a cake.
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That's the bit I find interesting.
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The person you're trying to please often doesn't want you to suffer.
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They'd much rather you just said no. I think that's frequently true.
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We imagine people are going to be furious, and actually they say, oh, okay, no problem, and move on.
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Whereas we spend three days rehearsing the conversation.
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Rehearsing it in the shower.
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Writing and deleting the message 11 times.
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I want to push back a bit though.
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Go on.
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There's a lot of talk now about boundaries and saying no and protecting your energy.
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And some of it is helpful, but some of it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
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Why?
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Because it can turn into a kind of permission to be selfish.
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I've heard people say, sorry, I can't come to your birthday, I'm protecting my peace.
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And I think, well, maybe sometimes your peace needs to be slightly disturbed for the sake of a friend.
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Laughs, that's fair.
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I've definitely heard that kind of thing.
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I suppose my worry is that we're losing something.
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That idea that being part of a community sometimes means doing things you don't feel like doing.
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I agree with that, actually.
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I think when I first learned to say no, I overcorrected.
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I went from yes to everything to no to almost everything.
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Really?
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For a while, yes.
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Someone would ask for something small, and I'd say no, just to prove I could.
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It felt powerful.
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But looking back, I missed some things I'd have enjoyed.
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And I probably let some people down unnecessarily.
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So where's the difference between a healthy no and a selfish no?
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I think for me it comes down to why you're saying yes.
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If you're saying yes because you genuinely want to help, or because this person matters to you and you're happy to, make the effort, that's generosity.
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And if you're saying yes because you're scared?
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Then it's not really generosity.
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It's fear dressed up as kindness.
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That's quite a sharp line.
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It's not always that clear, of course.
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Usually it's a mix.
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But asking yourself, am I doing this out of obligation, or because I want to, is a useful question.
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Out of obligation, meaning you do it because you feel you have to, not because you want to.
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Exactly.
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And to be fair, some things should be done out of obligation.
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Visiting a relative in hospital, for example.
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You might not feel like it, but you go.
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Right.
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Obligation isn't always bad.
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Sometimes it's what holds things together.
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Agreed.
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The problem is when everything in your life becomes an obligation, condition, and nothing is left that you actually chose.
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Let's do our statements.
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I'll read three and we'll see whether we agree, disagree, or want to add a condition.
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Go ahead.
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Statement 1, you should never have to explain why you're saying no. Hmm, I mostly agree, with a condition.
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I think you don't owe a long explanation to everyone.
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But with people you're close to, a little honesty helps.
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I'm exhausted this week, is kinder than a mysterious I can't.
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I'd agree.
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With strangers or acquaintances, no, sorry, I can't make it is perfectly fine.
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With your best friend, a reason is a sign of respect.
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Statement 2.
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Statement 2, people who always say yes are secretly controlling.
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Ooh, that's provocative.
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I thought you'd like that one.
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I partly disagree.
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I don't think most people pleasers are trying to control anyone.
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But I do think there can be an unspoken deal.
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I've done all this for you, so now you owe me.
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And that can feel quite heavy for the other person.
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Yes, like a gift with a long receipt attached.
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Exactly.
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Statement 3.
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Statement 3.
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Saying no is easier when you're older.
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I'd say it's true for me.
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I care less now about whether everyone likes me.
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But I don't think it's automatic.
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I know people in their 70s who still can't say no to a second slice of cake they don't want.
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That's my grandmother, except she's the one forcing the cake on people.
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So she's never had to say no. She's the one everyone has to say no to.
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And nobody can.
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What about you listening?
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Pick one of those statements.
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Do you agree, disagree, or would you add a condition?
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So, practically speaking, how did you actually learn to say no?
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Slowly.
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And badly, at first.
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The first thing that helped was giving myself time time.
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I stopped answering immediately.
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If someone asked me for something, I'd say, let me check and get back to you.
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That's clever, because the reflex only works in the moment.
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Exactly.
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The yes comes out before you've thought.
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If you can buy yourself even an hour, you can actually ask, do I want to do this?
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Do I have the time?
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I need that, I need a little gap between my brain and my mouth.
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Most of us do.
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The second thing was deciding where to draw the line before anyone asked.
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Draw the line, decide the limit of what you're willing to do.
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Yes.
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For instance, I decided I would help with one big thing per month.
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One house move, one wedding, one big favor.
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After that, it's no, however nice the person is.
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That's quite a structured approach.
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It's very me.
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But it meant I didn't have to agonize each time.
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The decision was already made.
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Like a policy.
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A personal policy.
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And it's surprisingly easy to say, sorry, I've already got something big on this month.
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Because it's true.
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I like that, and what about when people push, when you say no and they keep asking?
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That's where you sometimes have to put your foot down.
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Put your foot down, be firm, refuse clearly even if someone's pressuring you.
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Exactly.
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Calmly, but clearly.
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I understand it's difficult, but I really can't this time.
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And then stop talking.
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That's the hard part.
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The silence.
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The silence.
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Because the temptation is to fill it with apologies and excuses, and then somehow you end up agreeing.
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I'm very good at filling silences.
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It's a talent and a curse.
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Can I say something in defense of saying yes?
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Please, I've been feeling attacked.
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Laughs.
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Some of the best things in my life came from saying yes, when I didn't want to.
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I met one of my closest friends at a party I almost didn't go to.
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I was tired.
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I had my pajamas on.
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Someone persuaded me.
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And you went?
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I went reluctantly.
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And I spent the whole night talking to a woman in the kitchen about our terrible taste in music.
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We've been friends for nine years.
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So sometimes you just have to go along with things.
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Exactly.
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Go along with something, accept a plan or a suggestion, even if you're not enthusiastic about it.
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And sometimes, that's how good things happen.
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That's what I worry we'll lose if everyone becomes very efficient about protecting their time.
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The accidental parties.
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The kitchen conversations.
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I think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to tell the difference.
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Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
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Or because I'm comfortable and a bit lazy? and this might actually be good for me.
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I'm usually the second one.
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I know, and that's why you're helping three people move house.
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No, no, that's the first one.
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I'm genuinely overloaded.
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I just didn't notice.
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So what are you going to do about the three removal vans?
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I've been thinking about that.
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Priya is a close friend.
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I want to help her.
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I'm doing that one happily.
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Good.
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My cousin family rules apply.
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I'm going, piano or no piano.
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And the colleague?
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I sent her a message this morning.
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I said, I'm really sorry, I offered without thinking, and I've realized I've already got two moves that month.
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I can't do the whole day, but I could come for two hours in the morning and bring coffee.
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Oh, that's nice.
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That's a partial no. A compromise, a small caffeinated compromise.
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And what did she say?
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She said, oh, thank goodness, I felt so bad you offered, honestly, two hours and coffee would be amazing.
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So she felt guilty too.
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She felt guilty for accepting, I felt guilty for offering, it was guilt all round.
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That's quite a British situation.
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We'd both have spent the whole day apologizing to each other while carrying a sofa.
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Today, we talked about being a people pleaser, bending over backwards, going along with things, doing, something out of obligation,
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drawing the line, and putting your foot down.
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You don't need to remember all of them, but if one stays with you, maybe that's the one you need this week.
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For me, it's draw the line.
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Deciding in advance has saved me a lot of 2A, M, cakes.
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For me, it's go along with, because I still want to be the kind of person who goes to the party in the end.
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And one question before we go.
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What's one thing you'd like to say no to this month, and one thing you'd like to say yes to?
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You can think about it, say it, or leave a comment if you want to share.
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I'm Sam.
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Thanks for saying yes to listening, here at the Lazy English Club.
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I'm Alec.
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See you next time.
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If you need help moving house, the answer is let me check and get back to you.
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Vocabolario e note di pronuncia per questa lezione
Questa lezione di conversazione si basa sul video “Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?”. Questo video contiene 317 frasi e 2722 parole da ripetere con lo shadowing. Il parlato dura 16:39. Chi parla ha un ritmo naturale di circa 164 parole al minuto, vicino a una conversazione quotidiana. Il 82% delle parole rientra nelle 3.000 più comuni dell’inglese; conviene studiare le altre prima di iniziare.
Vocaboli chiave di questo video
15 parole del video che vale la pena imparare, con pronuncia e significato:
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| obligation sostantivo | /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/ | vincolo |
| genuinely avverbio | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | veramente, genuinamente |
| relative sostantivo | /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/ | parente, congiunto |
| silence sostantivo | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | silenzio |
| cousin sostantivo | /ˈkʌz(ə)n/ | cugino, cugina |
| removal sostantivo | /ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/ | estirpazione, asportazione |
| piano sostantivo | /piˈænɪː/ | pianoforte, piano |
| lazy aggettivo | /ˈleɪ̯zi(ː)/ | pigro |
| disagree verbo | /dɪsəˈɡɹi/ | non concordare, non combaciare |
| colleague sostantivo | /ˈkɒliːɡ/ | collega |
| calculate verbo | /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/ | calcolare |
| generosity sostantivo | /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/ | generosità, bontà |
| explanation sostantivo | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | spiegazione, esplicazione |
| volunteer sostantivo | /ˌvɑlənˈtɪɹ/ | volontario, volontaria |
| expense sostantivo | /ɪkˈspɛns/ | spesa |
I phrasal verb che sentirai
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| go along with verbo | accettare, adeguarsi | |
| end up verbo | andare a finire, finire | |
| go ahead verbo | /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ | procedere, andare avanti |
| go through verbo | attraversare |
Frasi da ripetere
Frasi brevi e complete del video che puoi riutilizzare nella conversazione di tutti i giorni:
- Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
- Who's hardest for you to say no to?
- She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
- Do I have the time?
- Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
La grammatica di questo video
Le strutture che chi parla usa di più, con le parole esatte del video:
| Struttura | Nel video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + participio passato — un’azione passata che conta ancora adesso | I've spoken · you've spoken · it's been |
| Frasi relative who / which + frase — un’informazione in più su una persona o una cosa | someone who constantly · person who calculates · people who show |
| Forma passiva be + participio passato — conta ciò che accade, non chi lo fa | have been horrified · should be done · is left |
Pronuncia a cui fare attenzione
Chi parla usa 108 contrazioni e forme ridotte, come I'm, you're, I'd. Pronunciale nella forma breve, così come le senti.
- I suoni “th”: grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/
- I suoni “sh” e “zh”: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, sharp /ʃɑɹp/, efficient /ɪˈfɪʃənt/
- Parole lunghe — attenzione all’accento: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/
I suoni difficili per chi parla italiano:
- /h/ — va soffiata, non è muta: helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, happily /ˈhæp.ə.li/, horrify /ˈhɒɹɪfaɪ/, rehearse /ɹɪˈhɝs/
- Consonante finale — senza aggiungere una vocale dopo: relative /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/, silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/, colleague /ˈkɒliːɡ/, calculate /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/, exhaust /ɪɡˈzɔst/
- /æ/ — più aperta della “e”: piano /piˈænɪː/, calculate /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, backward /ˈbækwɚd/
Come esercitarsi con questo video
- Ascolta tutto il video una volta senza parlare e annota le parole che non conosci.
- Inizia a velocità 0,75×, fai shadowing frase per frase e torna alla velocità normale quando diventa facile.
- Registrati e confronta con l’originale, facendo attenzione a parole come obligation, genuinely, relative.
Cos'è la tecnica dello Shadowing?
Shadowing è una tecnica di apprendimento delle lingue supportata da studi scientifici, originariamente sviluppata per la formazione dei traduttori professionisti e resa popolare dal poliglotta Dr. Alexander Arguelles. Il metodo è semplice ma potente: ascolti un audio in inglese di madrelingua e lo ripeti immediatamente ad alta voce — come un'ombra che segue il parlante con un ritardo di solo 1–2 secondi. A differenza dell'ascolto passivo o degli esercizi di grammatica, lo shadowing costringe il tuo cervello e i muscoli della bocca a elaborare e riprodurre simultaneamente i modelli di discorso reale. La ricerca dimostra che migliora significativamente la precisione della pronuncia, l'intonazione, il ritmo, il discorso connesso, la comprensione dell'ascolto e la fluidità del parlato — rendendolo uno dei metodi più efficaci per la preparazione alla prova di speaking dell'IELTS e per la comunicazione reale in inglese.