تدريب Shadowing: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - تعلم التحدث بالإنجليزية عبر الفيديو
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1
Welcome to the Lazy English Club.
أهلاً بك في نادي اللغة الإنجليزية Lazy.
2
Today's episode, Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?
حلقة اليوم، لماذا نشعر بالذنب عندما نقول لا؟
3
I need to tell you about my calendar.
أحتاج أن أخبرك عن تقويمي.
4
That sounds ominous.
هذا يبدو مشؤومًا.
5
It is.
إنه كذلك.
6
On the 4th, I'm helping Priya move into her new flat, 3rd floor, no lift.
في اليوم الرابع، سأساعد بريا في الانتقال إلى شقتها الجديدة، وهي في الطابق الثالث ولا يوجد مصعد.
7
Okay.
حسناً.
8
On the 11th, I'm helping my cousin move out of his flat.
في اليوم الحادي عشر، سأساعد ابن عمي في الانتقال من شقته.
9
He has, and I quote, a few boxes, which knowing him means a piano.
لديه، وأنا أقتبس، "بضعة صناديق"، وهذا بالنظر إلى طبيعته يعني بيانو.
10
And the 3rd?
وما هو الثالث؟
11
On the 25th, I'm helping a colleague I've spoken to perhaps four times move her entire life across the city.
في اليوم الخامس والعشرين، سأساعد زميلة تحدثت معها ربما أربع مرات فقط في نقل كل أغراض حياتها إلى الجانب الآخر من المدينة.
12
How did that last one happen?
كيف حصل ذلك الأخير؟
13
Honestly, I'm not sure.
بصراحة، لست متأكدًا.
14
She mentioned it in the kitchen at work, said she was struggling to find people, and I heard a voice say, oh, I can.
ذكرت الأمر في مطبخ العمل، وقالت إنها تواجه صعوبة في العثور على أشخاص مناسبين، فسمعت صوتًا يقول: "أنا أستطيع".
15
Help if you need.
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And the voice was mine.
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So three removal vans.
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Three removal vans and one rather fragile back.
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I'm Sam.
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And I'm Alex.
21
Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
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Even to small things.
23
A coffee we don't have time for.
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A favor that's going to cost us a whole weekend.
25
An extra project at work.
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We'll talk about where that reflex comes from, whether it's generosity or something less noble and where you might reasonably draw the line.
27
And I'll confess that I used to be a world -class people pleaser, and that learning to say no was,
28
in some ways, harder than learning a language.
29
I'll also be asking whether saying no can go too far, because I suspect it can.
30
I suspect you're right.
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And as always, there's no need to answer out loud when we ask you something.
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So let's start with that moment in the kitchen.
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What was going through your head when you offered to help?
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That's the strange thing.
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Almost nothing.
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It wasn't a decision.
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It was a reflex.
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Someone Everyone presents a problem and there's a sort of gap in the conversation and I feel compelled to fill it. With yourself?
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With myself, like a human sandbag.
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I recognize that completely.
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For years, I couldn't hear someone describe a problem without immediately volunteering to solve it.
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I think I thought that was what being a good person meant.
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And was it?
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Partly.
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I mean, I genuinely like helping people.
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That part wasn't fake, but there was also something more anxious underneath.
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A feeling that if I didn't say yes, people would think less of me, or stop liking me altogether.
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That's the people pleaser part, I suppose.
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Yes, a people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to make others happy, often at their own expense.
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And the important bit is, at their own expense.
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Wanting people to be happy isn't the problem.
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So the problem is when you start disappearing from your own life.
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That's a good way of putting it.
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There was a year when I calculated that I'd spent more weekends helping other people than doing anything I'd chosen for myself.
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You calculated it.
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I'm the kind of person who calculates things when I'm upset.
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That's very you.
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And the worst part wasn't the time.
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It was that I'd started to quietly resent people.
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People who'd done nothing wrong.
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They'd asked, I'd said yes, and then I felt annoyed with them for asking.
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Which isn't really fair on them.
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Not remotely.
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They had no way of knowing I didn't want to.
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I'd smiled and said of course.
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Can we talk about where this comes from, because I don't think it's the same for everyone.
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Definitely not.
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I think for some people it's about family.
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If you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was important, or where someone's mood dominated the house,
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you can become very good at anticipating what others need.
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And very bad at noticing what you need.
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Sometimes, yes.
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Though I don't want to turn this into a story where everyone's childhood explains everything.
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No. For me, I think it's partly cultural.
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In my family, if someone asks for help, you help.
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That's just how it works.
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My grandmother would have been horrified if I told a cousin I was too busy to help him move.
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And is that a bad thing?
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I don't think so.
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Not entirely.
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There's something rather beautiful about it, actually.
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A web of people who show up for each other without keeping score.
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If I needed help, I know at least six relatives would arrive with a van and a cake.
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That does sound beautiful.
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The problem is when you take that family rule and apply it to everyone, including a colleague you've spoken to four times.
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So the instinct is generous, but it's been, let's say, overextended.
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Overextended, like my back will be.
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I think there's also a modern dimension to it.
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Everything is so visible now.
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People can see whether you've read their message.
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They can see you were online.
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So it's harder to quietly not respond.
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Yes, the old excuse, sorry I didn't see your message until Sunday, doesn't really work anymore.
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And that makes some people feel they have to give a reason for everything.
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Not just no sorry, but a full explanation with evidence.
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A legal defense.
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Practically, which makes saying no feel exhausting, so it's easier to just say yes.
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What about you listening?
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Does saying no feel harder with certain people?
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Family, friends, people at work?
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Who's hardest for you to say no to?
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Can I tell you about the moment I realized I had a problem?
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Please.
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A friend of mine was getting married.
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I was a bridesmaid, which was lovely.
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But somehow I'd also agreed to make all the decorations, organize the hen party, collect relatives from the airport, and bake the cake.
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The cake?
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You bake the wedding cake.
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Three tiers, lemon and elderflower.
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Sam, that's not helping.
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That's a second job.
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I know.
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I was bending over backwards for everyone.
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That's the expression, isn't it?
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When you try extremely hard to help or please someone, more than is reasonable.
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Like a gymnast.
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An exhausted gymnast.
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And the night before the wedding, I was in my kitchen at 2 in the morning, trying to stop the second tear from sliding off.
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The first, and I just sat down on the floor and cried.
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Oh no. And it wasn't the cake.
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It was that I suddenly understood that nobody had asked me to do all of this.
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Not really.
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My friend had asked if I could help with a few bits.
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Everything else I'd volunteered for.
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So you'd built your own trap.
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I had, beautifully decorated, with lemon and elderflower.
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Did the cake survive?
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It survived.
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It leaned slightly to the left in the photos, But my friend said it was perfect.
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And did she ever find out about the 2 a .m.
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crying?
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Years later, she was horrified.
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She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
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We could have just bought a cake.
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That's the bit I find interesting.
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The person you're trying to please often doesn't want you to suffer.
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They'd much rather you just said no. I think that's frequently true.
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We imagine people are going to be furious, and actually they say, oh, okay, no problem, and move on.
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Whereas we spend three days rehearsing the conversation.
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Rehearsing it in the shower.
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Writing and deleting the message 11 times.
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I want to push back a bit though.
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Go on.
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There's a lot of talk now about boundaries and saying no and protecting your energy.
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And some of it is helpful, but some of it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
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Why?
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Because it can turn into a kind of permission to be selfish.
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I've heard people say, sorry, I can't come to your birthday, I'm protecting my peace.
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And I think, well, maybe sometimes your peace needs to be slightly disturbed for the sake of a friend.
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Laughs, that's fair.
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I've definitely heard that kind of thing.
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I suppose my worry is that we're losing something.
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That idea that being part of a community sometimes means doing things you don't feel like doing.
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I agree with that, actually.
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I think when I first learned to say no, I overcorrected.
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I went from yes to everything to no to almost everything.
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Really?
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For a while, yes.
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Someone would ask for something small, and I'd say no, just to prove I could.
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It felt powerful.
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But looking back, I missed some things I'd have enjoyed.
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And I probably let some people down unnecessarily.
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So where's the difference between a healthy no and a selfish no?
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I think for me it comes down to why you're saying yes.
165
If you're saying yes because you genuinely want to help, or because this person matters to you and you're happy to, make the effort, that's generosity.
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And if you're saying yes because you're scared?
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Then it's not really generosity.
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It's fear dressed up as kindness.
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That's quite a sharp line.
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It's not always that clear, of course.
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Usually it's a mix.
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But asking yourself, am I doing this out of obligation, or because I want to, is a useful question.
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Out of obligation, meaning you do it because you feel you have to, not because you want to.
174
Exactly.
175
And to be fair, some things should be done out of obligation.
176
Visiting a relative in hospital, for example.
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You might not feel like it, but you go.
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Right.
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Obligation isn't always bad.
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Sometimes it's what holds things together.
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Agreed.
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The problem is when everything in your life becomes an obligation, condition, and nothing is left that you actually chose.
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Let's do our statements.
184
I'll read three and we'll see whether we agree, disagree, or want to add a condition.
185
Go ahead.
186
Statement 1, you should never have to explain why you're saying no. Hmm, I mostly agree, with a condition.
187
I think you don't owe a long explanation to everyone.
188
But with people you're close to, a little honesty helps.
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I'm exhausted this week, is kinder than a mysterious I can't.
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I'd agree.
191
With strangers or acquaintances, no, sorry, I can't make it is perfectly fine.
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With your best friend, a reason is a sign of respect.
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Statement 2.
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Statement 2, people who always say yes are secretly controlling.
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Ooh, that's provocative.
196
I thought you'd like that one.
197
I partly disagree.
198
I don't think most people pleasers are trying to control anyone.
199
But I do think there can be an unspoken deal.
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I've done all this for you, so now you owe me.
201
And that can feel quite heavy for the other person.
202
Yes, like a gift with a long receipt attached.
203
Exactly.
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Statement 3.
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Statement 3.
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Saying no is easier when you're older.
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I'd say it's true for me.
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I care less now about whether everyone likes me.
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But I don't think it's automatic.
210
I know people in their 70s who still can't say no to a second slice of cake they don't want.
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That's my grandmother, except she's the one forcing the cake on people.
212
So she's never had to say no. She's the one everyone has to say no to.
213
And nobody can.
214
What about you listening?
215
Pick one of those statements.
216
Do you agree, disagree, or would you add a condition?
217
So, practically speaking, how did you actually learn to say no?
218
Slowly.
219
And badly, at first.
220
The first thing that helped was giving myself time time.
221
I stopped answering immediately.
222
If someone asked me for something, I'd say, let me check and get back to you.
223
That's clever, because the reflex only works in the moment.
224
Exactly.
225
The yes comes out before you've thought.
226
If you can buy yourself even an hour, you can actually ask, do I want to do this?
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Do I have the time?
228
I need that, I need a little gap between my brain and my mouth.
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Most of us do.
230
The second thing was deciding where to draw the line before anyone asked.
231
Draw the line, decide the limit of what you're willing to do.
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Yes.
233
For instance, I decided I would help with one big thing per month.
234
One house move, one wedding, one big favor.
235
After that, it's no, however nice the person is.
236
That's quite a structured approach.
237
It's very me.
238
But it meant I didn't have to agonize each time.
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The decision was already made.
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Like a policy.
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A personal policy.
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And it's surprisingly easy to say, sorry, I've already got something big on this month.
243
Because it's true.
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I like that, and what about when people push, when you say no and they keep asking?
245
That's where you sometimes have to put your foot down.
246
Put your foot down, be firm, refuse clearly even if someone's pressuring you.
247
Exactly.
248
Calmly, but clearly.
249
I understand it's difficult, but I really can't this time.
250
And then stop talking.
251
That's the hard part.
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The silence.
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The silence.
254
Because the temptation is to fill it with apologies and excuses, and then somehow you end up agreeing.
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I'm very good at filling silences.
256
It's a talent and a curse.
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Can I say something in defense of saying yes?
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Please, I've been feeling attacked.
259
Laughs.
260
Some of the best things in my life came from saying yes, when I didn't want to.
261
I met one of my closest friends at a party I almost didn't go to.
262
I was tired.
263
I had my pajamas on.
264
Someone persuaded me.
265
And you went?
266
I went reluctantly.
267
And I spent the whole night talking to a woman in the kitchen about our terrible taste in music.
268
We've been friends for nine years.
269
So sometimes you just have to go along with things.
270
Exactly.
271
Go along with something, accept a plan or a suggestion, even if you're not enthusiastic about it.
272
And sometimes, that's how good things happen.
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That's what I worry we'll lose if everyone becomes very efficient about protecting their time.
274
The accidental parties.
275
The kitchen conversations.
276
I think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to tell the difference.
277
Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
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Or because I'm comfortable and a bit lazy? and this might actually be good for me.
279
I'm usually the second one.
280
I know, and that's why you're helping three people move house.
281
No, no, that's the first one.
282
I'm genuinely overloaded.
283
I just didn't notice.
284
So what are you going to do about the three removal vans?
285
I've been thinking about that.
286
Priya is a close friend.
287
I want to help her.
288
I'm doing that one happily.
289
Good.
290
My cousin family rules apply.
291
I'm going, piano or no piano.
292
And the colleague?
293
I sent her a message this morning.
294
I said, I'm really sorry, I offered without thinking, and I've realized I've already got two moves that month.
295
I can't do the whole day, but I could come for two hours in the morning and bring coffee.
296
Oh, that's nice.
297
That's a partial no. A compromise, a small caffeinated compromise.
298
And what did she say?
299
She said, oh, thank goodness, I felt so bad you offered, honestly, two hours and coffee would be amazing.
300
So she felt guilty too.
301
She felt guilty for accepting, I felt guilty for offering, it was guilt all round.
302
That's quite a British situation.
303
We'd both have spent the whole day apologizing to each other while carrying a sofa.
304
Today, we talked about being a people pleaser, bending over backwards, going along with things, doing, something out of obligation,
305
drawing the line, and putting your foot down.
306
You don't need to remember all of them, but if one stays with you, maybe that's the one you need this week.
307
For me, it's draw the line.
308
Deciding in advance has saved me a lot of 2A, M, cakes.
309
For me, it's go along with, because I still want to be the kind of person who goes to the party in the end.
310
And one question before we go.
311
What's one thing you'd like to say no to this month, and one thing you'd like to say yes to?
312
You can think about it, say it, or leave a comment if you want to share.
313
I'm Sam.
314
Thanks for saying yes to listening, here at the Lazy English Club.
315
I'm Alec.
316
See you next time.
317
If you need help moving house, the answer is let me check and get back to you.
تنزيل التطبيق
كل ما تحتاجه للتحدث بطلاقة
تقييم النطق بالذكاء الاصطناعيتقييم كل جملة
تدريب IPAأتقن كل صوت
المفرداتابنِ رصيدك من الكلمات
لعبة المفرداتتعلّم أثناء اللعب
نفس القناة
FOR YOU
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المفردات وملاحظات التحدث لهذا الدرس
هذا الدرس في المحادثة مبني على الفيديو “Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?”. يحتوي هذا الفيديو على 317 جملة و2722 كلمة للتدرب على الترديد. مدة الكلام 16:39. يتكلم المتحدث بسرعة طبيعية، نحو 164 كلمة في الدقيقة، قريبة من المحادثة اليومية. 82% من الكلمات ضمن أكثر 3,000 كلمة شيوعًا في الإنجليزية، ويُستحسن مراجعة الباقي قبل البدء.
أهم المفردات في هذا الفيديو
15 كلمة من الفيديو تستحق التعلّم، مع النطق والمعنى:
| الكلمة | النطق | المعنى |
|---|---|---|
| obligation اسم | /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/ | وَاجِب, فَرِيضَة |
| relative اسم | /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/ | قَرِيب, قَرِيبَة |
| silence اسم | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | صَمْت, سُكُوت |
| cousin اسم | /ˈkʌz(ə)n/ | اِبْن عَمّ, بِنْت عَمّ |
| piano اسم | /piˈænɪː/ | بِيَانُو, مِعْزَف |
| lazy صفة | /ˈleɪ̯zi(ː)/ | كَسْلَان |
| colleague اسم | /ˈkɒliːɡ/ | شَرِيك, شَرِيكَة |
| calculate فعل | /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/ | حَسَبَ |
| exhaust فعل | /ɪɡˈzɔst/ | اِسْتَهْلَكَ, اِسْتَنْفَدَ |
| generosity اسم | /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/ | كَرَم, سَخَاء |
| explanation اسم | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | تَفْسِير, شَرْح |
| volunteer اسم | /ˌvɑlənˈtɪɹ/ | مُتَطَوِّع, مُتَطَوِّعَة |
| expense اسم | /ɪkˈspɛns/ | صَرْف, مَصْرُوف |
| practically ظرف | /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/ | عَمَلِيًّا |
| compromise اسم | /ˈkɑmpɹəˌmaɪz/ | حَل وَسَط, تَسْوِيَة |
الأفعال المركبة التي ستسمعها
| الكلمة | النطق | المعنى |
|---|---|---|
| come out فعل | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | خَرَجَ, غَادَرَ |
| look back فعل | اِلْتَفَتَ, اِسْتَدَارَ |
جمل تستحق التكرار
جمل قصيرة وكاملة من الفيديو يمكنك استخدامها في الحديث اليومي:
- Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
- Who's hardest for you to say no to?
- She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
- Do I have the time?
- Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?
القواعد في هذا الفيديو
أكثر التراكيب التي يستخدمها المتحدث، مع العبارات نفسها من الفيديو:
| التركيب | في الفيديو |
|---|---|
| المضارع التام have/has + اسم المفعول — حدث ماضٍ ما زال له أثر الآن | I've spoken · you've spoken · it's been |
| جمل الوصل who / which + جملة — معلومة إضافية عن شخص أو شيء | someone who constantly · person who calculates · people who show |
| المبني للمجهول be + اسم المفعول — التركيز على ما يحدث لا على من يفعله | have been horrified · should be done · is left |
نطق يحتاج إلى انتباه
يستخدم المتحدث 108 من الصيغ المختصرة، مثل I'm, you're, I'd. انطقها بصيغتها القصيرة كما تسمعها.
- أصوات “th”: grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/
- أصوات “sh” و“zh”: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, sharp /ʃɑɹp/, efficient /ɪˈfɪʃənt/
- الكلمات الطويلة — انتبه لموضع النبر: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/
أصوات يجدها متحدثو العربية صعبة:
- /p/ — ليس /b/: انطقه مع نفخة هواء: piano /piˈænɪː/, partly /ˈpɑɹtli/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, expense /ɪkˈspɛns/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/
- /v/ — ليس /f/: مع اهتزاز الأوتار الصوتية: relative /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/, removal /ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/, volunteer /ˌvɑlənˈtɪɹ/, solve /sɒlv/, visible /ˈvɪzɪb(ə)l/
- تتابع الصوامت — لا تضف حركة بينها: silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/, partly /ˈpɑɹtli/, calculate /ˈkælkjʊleɪt/, exhaust /ɪɡˈzɔst/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/
كيف تتدرب بهذا الفيديو
- استمع إلى الفيديو كاملًا مرة واحدة دون أن تتكلم، ودوّن الكلمات التي لا تعرفها.
- ابدأ بسرعة 0.75×، وردّد جملة جملة، ثم عُد إلى السرعة العادية عندما يصبح الأمر سهلًا.
- سجّل صوتك وقارنه بالأصل، مع الانتباه إلى كلمات مثل obligation, relative, silence.
ما هي تقنية التظليل الصوتي؟
التظليل الصوتي (Shadowing) تقنية تعلم لغة مدعومة علمياً، طُورت أصلاً لتدريب المترجمين الفوريين المحترفين. الطريقة بسيطة لكنها قوية: تستمع لصوت إنجليزي أصلي وتكرره فوراً بصوت عالٍ — كظل يتبع المتحدث بتأخير 1-2 ثانية. تُظهر الأبحاث تحسناً كبيراً في دقة النطق والتنغيم والإيقاع وربط الأصوات والاستماع والطلاقة.