Практика Shadowing: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - Изучайте разговорный английский по видео

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Welcome to the Lazy English Club.

Добро пожаловать в Lazy English Club.

Today's episode, Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?

Сегодняшний выпуск: «Почему мы испытываем чувство вины, когда отказываем?»

I need to tell you about my calendar.

Мне нужно рассказать вам о моём календаре.

That sounds ominous.

Это звучит зловеще.

It is.

Да.

On the 4th, I'm helping Priya move into her new flat, 3rd floor, no lift.

Okay.

On the 11th, I'm helping my cousin move out of his flat.

He has, and I quote, a few boxes, which knowing him means a piano.

And the 3rd?

On the 25th, I'm helping a colleague I've spoken to perhaps four times move her entire life across the city.

How did that last one happen?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

She mentioned it in the kitchen at work, said she was struggling to find people, and I heard a voice say, oh, I can.

Help if you need.

And the voice was mine.

So three removal vans.

Three removal vans and one rather fragile back.

I'm Sam.

And I'm Alex.

Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?

Even to small things.

A coffee we don't have time for.

A favor that's going to cost us a whole weekend.

An extra project at work.

We'll talk about where that reflex comes from, whether it's generosity or something less noble and where you might reasonably draw the line.

And I'll confess that I used to be a world -class people pleaser, and that learning to say no was,

in some ways, harder than learning a language.

I'll also be asking whether saying no can go too far, because I suspect it can.

I suspect you're right.

And as always, there's no need to answer out loud when we ask you something.

So let's start with that moment in the kitchen.

What was going through your head when you offered to help?

That's the strange thing.

Almost nothing.

It wasn't a decision.

It was a reflex.

Someone Everyone presents a problem and there's a sort of gap in the conversation and I feel compelled to fill it. With yourself?

With myself, like a human sandbag.

I recognize that completely.

For years, I couldn't hear someone describe a problem without immediately volunteering to solve it.

I think I thought that was what being a good person meant.

And was it?

Partly.

I mean, I genuinely like helping people.

That part wasn't fake, but there was also something more anxious underneath.

A feeling that if I didn't say yes, people would think less of me, or stop liking me altogether.

That's the people pleaser part, I suppose.

Yes, a people pleaser is someone who constantly tries to make others happy, often at their own expense.

And the important bit is, at their own expense.

Wanting people to be happy isn't the problem.

So the problem is when you start disappearing from your own life.

That's a good way of putting it.

There was a year when I calculated that I'd spent more weekends helping other people than doing anything I'd chosen for myself.

You calculated it.

I'm the kind of person who calculates things when I'm upset.

That's very you.

And the worst part wasn't the time.

It was that I'd started to quietly resent people.

People who'd done nothing wrong.

They'd asked, I'd said yes, and then I felt annoyed with them for asking.

Which isn't really fair on them.

Not remotely.

They had no way of knowing I didn't want to.

I'd smiled and said of course.

Can we talk about where this comes from, because I don't think it's the same for everyone.

Definitely not.

I think for some people it's about family.

If you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was important, or where someone's mood dominated the house,

you can become very good at anticipating what others need.

And very bad at noticing what you need.

Sometimes, yes.

Though I don't want to turn this into a story where everyone's childhood explains everything.

No. For me, I think it's partly cultural.

In my family, if someone asks for help, you help.

That's just how it works.

My grandmother would have been horrified if I told a cousin I was too busy to help him move.

And is that a bad thing?

I don't think so.

Not entirely.

There's something rather beautiful about it, actually.

A web of people who show up for each other without keeping score.

If I needed help, I know at least six relatives would arrive with a van and a cake.

That does sound beautiful.

The problem is when you take that family rule and apply it to everyone, including a colleague you've spoken to four times.

So the instinct is generous, but it's been, let's say, overextended.

Overextended, like my back will be.

I think there's also a modern dimension to it.

Everything is so visible now.

People can see whether you've read their message.

They can see you were online.

So it's harder to quietly not respond.

Yes, the old excuse, sorry I didn't see your message until Sunday, doesn't really work anymore.

And that makes some people feel they have to give a reason for everything.

Not just no sorry, but a full explanation with evidence.

A legal defense.

Practically, which makes saying no feel exhausting, so it's easier to just say yes.

What about you listening?

Does saying no feel harder with certain people?

100

Family, friends, people at work?

101

Who's hardest for you to say no to?

102

Can I tell you about the moment I realized I had a problem?

103

Please.

104

A friend of mine was getting married.

105

I was a bridesmaid, which was lovely.

106

But somehow I'd also agreed to make all the decorations, organize the hen party, collect relatives from the airport, and bake the cake.

107

The cake?

108

You bake the wedding cake.

109

Three tiers, lemon and elderflower.

110

Sam, that's not helping.

111

That's a second job.

112

I know.

113

I was bending over backwards for everyone.

114

That's the expression, isn't it?

115

When you try extremely hard to help or please someone, more than is reasonable.

116

Like a gymnast.

117

An exhausted gymnast.

118

And the night before the wedding, I was in my kitchen at 2 in the morning, trying to stop the second tear from sliding off.

119

The first, and I just sat down on the floor and cried.

120

Oh no. And it wasn't the cake.

121

It was that I suddenly understood that nobody had asked me to do all of this.

122

Not really.

123

My friend had asked if I could help with a few bits.

124

Everything else I'd volunteered for.

125

So you'd built your own trap.

126

I had, beautifully decorated, with lemon and elderflower.

127

Did the cake survive?

128

It survived.

129

It leaned slightly to the left in the photos, But my friend said it was perfect.

130

And did she ever find out about the 2 a .m.

131

crying?

132

Years later, she was horrified.

133

She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?

134

We could have just bought a cake.

135

That's the bit I find interesting.

136

The person you're trying to please often doesn't want you to suffer.

137

They'd much rather you just said no. I think that's frequently true.

138

We imagine people are going to be furious, and actually they say, oh, okay, no problem, and move on.

139

Whereas we spend three days rehearsing the conversation.

140

Rehearsing it in the shower.

141

Writing and deleting the message 11 times.

142

I want to push back a bit though.

143

Go on.

144

There's a lot of talk now about boundaries and saying no and protecting your energy.

145

And some of it is helpful, but some of it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

146

Why?

147

Because it can turn into a kind of permission to be selfish.

148

I've heard people say, sorry, I can't come to your birthday, I'm protecting my peace.

149

And I think, well, maybe sometimes your peace needs to be slightly disturbed for the sake of a friend.

150

Laughs, that's fair.

151

I've definitely heard that kind of thing.

152

I suppose my worry is that we're losing something.

153

That idea that being part of a community sometimes means doing things you don't feel like doing.

154

I agree with that, actually.

155

I think when I first learned to say no, I overcorrected.

156

I went from yes to everything to no to almost everything.

157

Really?

158

For a while, yes.

159

Someone would ask for something small, and I'd say no, just to prove I could.

160

It felt powerful.

161

But looking back, I missed some things I'd have enjoyed.

162

And I probably let some people down unnecessarily.

163

So where's the difference between a healthy no and a selfish no?

164

I think for me it comes down to why you're saying yes.

165

If you're saying yes because you genuinely want to help, or because this person matters to you and you're happy to, make the effort, that's generosity.

166

And if you're saying yes because you're scared?

167

Then it's not really generosity.

168

It's fear dressed up as kindness.

169

That's quite a sharp line.

170

It's not always that clear, of course.

171

Usually it's a mix.

172

But asking yourself, am I doing this out of obligation, or because I want to, is a useful question.

173

Out of obligation, meaning you do it because you feel you have to, not because you want to.

174

Exactly.

175

And to be fair, some things should be done out of obligation.

176

Visiting a relative in hospital, for example.

177

You might not feel like it, but you go.

178

Right.

179

Obligation isn't always bad.

180

Sometimes it's what holds things together.

181

Agreed.

182

The problem is when everything in your life becomes an obligation, condition, and nothing is left that you actually chose.

183

Let's do our statements.

184

I'll read three and we'll see whether we agree, disagree, or want to add a condition.

185

Go ahead.

186

Statement 1, you should never have to explain why you're saying no. Hmm, I mostly agree, with a condition.

187

I think you don't owe a long explanation to everyone.

188

But with people you're close to, a little honesty helps.

189

I'm exhausted this week, is kinder than a mysterious I can't.

190

I'd agree.

191

With strangers or acquaintances, no, sorry, I can't make it is perfectly fine.

192

With your best friend, a reason is a sign of respect.

193

Statement 2.

194

Statement 2, people who always say yes are secretly controlling.

195

Ooh, that's provocative.

196

I thought you'd like that one.

197

I partly disagree.

198

I don't think most people pleasers are trying to control anyone.

199

But I do think there can be an unspoken deal.

200

I've done all this for you, so now you owe me.

201

And that can feel quite heavy for the other person.

202

Yes, like a gift with a long receipt attached.

203

Exactly.

204

Statement 3.

205

Statement 3.

206

Saying no is easier when you're older.

207

I'd say it's true for me.

208

I care less now about whether everyone likes me.

209

But I don't think it's automatic.

210

I know people in their 70s who still can't say no to a second slice of cake they don't want.

211

That's my grandmother, except she's the one forcing the cake on people.

212

So she's never had to say no. She's the one everyone has to say no to.

213

And nobody can.

214

What about you listening?

215

Pick one of those statements.

216

Do you agree, disagree, or would you add a condition?

217

So, practically speaking, how did you actually learn to say no?

218

Slowly.

219

And badly, at first.

220

The first thing that helped was giving myself time time.

221

I stopped answering immediately.

222

If someone asked me for something, I'd say, let me check and get back to you.

223

That's clever, because the reflex only works in the moment.

224

Exactly.

225

The yes comes out before you've thought.

226

If you can buy yourself even an hour, you can actually ask, do I want to do this?

227

Do I have the time?

228

I need that, I need a little gap between my brain and my mouth.

229

Most of us do.

230

The second thing was deciding where to draw the line before anyone asked.

231

Draw the line, decide the limit of what you're willing to do.

232

Yes.

233

For instance, I decided I would help with one big thing per month.

234

One house move, one wedding, one big favor.

235

After that, it's no, however nice the person is.

236

That's quite a structured approach.

237

It's very me.

238

But it meant I didn't have to agonize each time.

239

The decision was already made.

240

Like a policy.

241

A personal policy.

242

And it's surprisingly easy to say, sorry, I've already got something big on this month.

243

Because it's true.

244

I like that, and what about when people push, when you say no and they keep asking?

245

That's where you sometimes have to put your foot down.

246

Put your foot down, be firm, refuse clearly even if someone's pressuring you.

247

Exactly.

248

Calmly, but clearly.

249

I understand it's difficult, but I really can't this time.

250

And then stop talking.

251

That's the hard part.

252

The silence.

253

The silence.

254

Because the temptation is to fill it with apologies and excuses, and then somehow you end up agreeing.

255

I'm very good at filling silences.

256

It's a talent and a curse.

257

Can I say something in defense of saying yes?

258

Please, I've been feeling attacked.

259

Laughs.

260

Some of the best things in my life came from saying yes, when I didn't want to.

261

I met one of my closest friends at a party I almost didn't go to.

262

I was tired.

263

I had my pajamas on.

264

Someone persuaded me.

265

And you went?

266

I went reluctantly.

267

And I spent the whole night talking to a woman in the kitchen about our terrible taste in music.

268

We've been friends for nine years.

269

So sometimes you just have to go along with things.

270

Exactly.

271

Go along with something, accept a plan or a suggestion, even if you're not enthusiastic about it.

272

And sometimes, that's how good things happen.

273

That's what I worry we'll lose if everyone becomes very efficient about protecting their time.

274

The accidental parties.

275

The kitchen conversations.

276

I think the trick is knowing yourself well enough to tell the difference.

277

Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?

278

Or because I'm comfortable and a bit lazy? and this might actually be good for me.

279

I'm usually the second one.

280

I know, and that's why you're helping three people move house.

281

No, no, that's the first one.

282

I'm genuinely overloaded.

283

I just didn't notice.

284

So what are you going to do about the three removal vans?

285

I've been thinking about that.

286

Priya is a close friend.

287

I want to help her.

288

I'm doing that one happily.

289

Good.

290

My cousin family rules apply.

291

I'm going, piano or no piano.

292

And the colleague?

293

I sent her a message this morning.

294

I said, I'm really sorry, I offered without thinking, and I've realized I've already got two moves that month.

295

I can't do the whole day, but I could come for two hours in the morning and bring coffee.

296

Oh, that's nice.

297

That's a partial no. A compromise, a small caffeinated compromise.

298

And what did she say?

299

She said, oh, thank goodness, I felt so bad you offered, honestly, two hours and coffee would be amazing.

300

So she felt guilty too.

301

She felt guilty for accepting, I felt guilty for offering, it was guilt all round.

302

That's quite a British situation.

303

We'd both have spent the whole day apologizing to each other while carrying a sofa.

304

Today, we talked about being a people pleaser, bending over backwards, going along with things, doing, something out of obligation,

305

drawing the line, and putting your foot down.

306

You don't need to remember all of them, but if one stays with you, maybe that's the one you need this week.

307

For me, it's draw the line.

308

Deciding in advance has saved me a lot of 2A, M, cakes.

309

For me, it's go along with, because I still want to be the kind of person who goes to the party in the end.

310

And one question before we go.

311

What's one thing you'd like to say no to this month, and one thing you'd like to say yes to?

312

You can think about it, say it, or leave a comment if you want to share.

313

I'm Sam.

314

Thanks for saying yes to listening, here at the Lazy English Club.

315

I'm Alec.

316

See you next time.

317

If you need help moving house, the answer is let me check and get back to you.

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Why Do We Secretly Love Cancelled Plans? | Intermediate English Podcast (B1–B2)

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FOR YOU

Лексика и советы по произношению к этому уроку

Этот урок разговорной практики построен на видео «Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?». В этом видео 317 предложений и 2722 слов для шедоуинга. Речь длится 16:39. Говорящий говорит в естественном темпе, около 164 слов в минуту, близком к повседневной речи. 82% слов входят в 3000 самых частых слов английского языка; остальные стоит разобрать перед занятием.

Ключевая лексика этого видео

15 слов из видео, которые стоит выучить, с произношением и значением:

Слово	Произношение	Значение
obligation существительное	/ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/	обяза́тельство, долг
relative существительное	/ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/	ро́дственник, ро́дственница
silence существительное	/ˈsaɪ̯ləns/	тишина́, молча́ние
cousin существительное	/ˈkʌz(ə)n/	ро́дственник, ро́дственница
removal существительное	/ɹɪˈmuː.vəl/	удаление
piano существительное	/piˈænɪː/	пиани́но, фортепиа́но
partly наречие	/ˈpɑɹtli/	части́чно, отча́сти
lazy прилагательное	/ˈleɪ̯zi(ː)/	лени́вый
disagree глагол	/dɪsəˈɡɹi/	не соглаша́ться
colleague существительное	/ˈkɒliːɡ/	колле́га, сослужи́вец
calculate глагол	/ˈkælkjʊleɪt/	вычисля́ть, вы́числить
exhaust глагол	/ɪɡˈzɔst/	исче́рпывать, исче́рпать
generosity существительное	/ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/	ще́дрость, великоду́шие
explanation существительное	/ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/	объясне́ние, разъясне́ние
volunteer существительное	/ˌvɑlənˈtɪɹ/	доброво́лец, доброво́лица

Фразовые глаголы, которые вы услышите

Слово	Произношение	Значение
come down to глагол		спадать до
come out глагол	/ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/	выходи́ть, вы́йти
dress up глагол		наряжаться
end up глагол		зака́нчиваться, зако́нчиться
go ahead глагол	/ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/	дава́й, приступа́йте
look back глагол		огля́дываться, огляну́ться

Фразы, которые стоит повторять

Короткие законченные фразы из видео, которые пригодятся в повседневном разговоре:

Today's question, why do we feel so guilty saying no?
Who's hardest for you to say no to?
She said, why on earth didn't you tell me?
Do I have the time?
Am I saying no because I'm genuinely overloaded?

Грамматика в этом видео

Конструкции, которые говорящий использует чаще всего, с точными словами из видео:

Конструкция	В видео
Present Perfect have/has + причастие прошедшего времени — прошлое действие, важное сейчас	I've spoken · you've spoken · it's been
Придаточные определительные who / which + предложение — уточнение о человеке или предмете	someone who constantly · person who calculates · people who show
Пассивный залог be + причастие прошедшего времени — важно, что происходит, а не кто это делает	have been horrified · should be done · is left

Произношение, на которое стоит обратить внимание

Говорящий использует 108 сокращённых и редуцированных форм, например I'm, you're, I'd. Произносите их коротко, так, как слышите.

Звуки «th»: grandmother /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌmʌðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, altogether /ɔl.tuˈɡɛð.ɚ/, enthusiastic /ɪnˌθjuːzɪˈæstɪk/
Звуки «sh» и «zh»: obligation /ˌɑ.blɪˈɡeɪ.ʃn̩/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, sharp /ʃɑɹp/, efficient /ɪˈfɪʃənt/
Длинные слова — следите за ударением: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, generosity /ˌd͡ʒɛn.əˈɹɑ.sə.ti/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, practically /ˈpɹæk.tɪ.k(ə.)li/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/

Звуки, трудные для русскоязычных:

/w/ — губы округлены, это не /v/: quietly /ˈkwaɪ.ɪt.li/, backward /ˈbækwɚd/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, persuade /pə(ɹ)ˈsweɪd/, acquaintance /ʌˈkweɪn.təns/
/h/ — лёгкий выдох, а не русское «х»: helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, happily /ˈhæp.ə.li/, horrify /ˈhɒɹɪfaɪ/, rehearse /ɹɪˈhɝs/
Звонкие согласные в конце слова — не оглушайте их: relative /ˈɹɛl.ə.tɪv/, colleague /ˈkɒliːɡ/, compromise /ˈkɑmpɹəˌmaɪz/, bend /bɛnd/, backward /ˈbækwɚd/

Как заниматься с этим видео

Прослушайте всё видео один раз молча и выпишите незнакомые слова.
Начните со скорости 0,75×, повторяйте предложение за предложением и вернитесь к обычной скорости, когда станет легко.
Запишите себя и сравните с оригиналом, обращая внимание на такие слова, как obligation, relative, silence.

Что такое техника Shadowing?

Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.

Техника шедоуинга: читать полное пошаговое руководство →

Практика Shadowing: Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No? | Advanced English Podcast (C1–C2) - Изучайте разговорный английский по видео

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