Shadowing Practice: you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable | ep 9 - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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Hello, I'm Alex and welcome back to my podcast.
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I feel like it's been so long since I've done one of these podcasts.
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I've been so busy guys.
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I have so many little like life updates to tell you about
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and then we can talk about the thing that's actually been on my mind
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that I was like inspired to record this podcast about.
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Firstly, life updates i have just as of yesterday submitted my final essay for uni let me quickly correct
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that though because some people have thought that to mean
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that i'm done with university no i i was only in
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my first year i'm done with my first year of university
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but i'm basically done until like i think my next year starts in like october maybe september um
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but for a few months i'm done so i am free for a little
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while and i feel like when i hit
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that submit i suddenly like had this really weird like mindset
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shift like the first thing i did after like days of not speaking to anyone
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because i was really locking in on this essay
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because i was super late with like actually starting it like
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it probably was not very good i suddenly just like cleaned my whole room
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and then i just like sat and meditated for ages
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and then i like read the dhammapada like i don't know what
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has like possessed me i feel like whatever like spiritual zen vibe i was on before starting my degree
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and that like i was a bit concerned about
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because i was like wait why am i not really able to tap into that.
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I think I was just too busy and like not just busy
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but like the way I make myself busy in regards to like commitments is I just don't do them
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and then stress about them.
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But that's the thing it's like not even I actively stress about it.
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It's not like I'm like oh I have a ginormous essay
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that is due in like three days
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and I've not even done the readings for them yet
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and I have to just like I really have to crack on with that.
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It's not like I'm actively anxious because that's always the kind of student I've been
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and also like not to be cocky
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but like I've always been fine like I've never had to deal with the punishment of
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that so like there's nothing really for me to be anxious about
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but like that is still like obviously I must be a bit anxious
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because that's still like a really intense position to be in
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and I think because of that I just wasn't really able to tap into
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that kind of like slow living vibe that like I was on before
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and now I am obviously I'm still working like that's another thing also I think like I was kind of downplaying
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how busy I was like I was a full-time student
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and also like a full-time worker I think the reason I don't really feel
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that is because my work is very relaxed like a lot of the time
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when I say I'm working it's like I'm editing videos and
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that is like you know I can go do
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that in the park I can go do
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that my friend's house I'm still having to work
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but like it's not the same as like
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when I used to actually have to go
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and like work in like a fast food chain
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and I was like behind the like huge oil chip thing
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and it's like super hot and I'm like not allowed to leave
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and I'm not allowed to pee
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and it was just like well I was allowed to pee that's a lie
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but like I had to ask to go pee
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and it was just very like intense whereas it doesn't feel
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that tense because of
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that I don't feel like I'm working as many hours as I actually do anyways I'm like going off
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but basically I have so much more free time than I did before
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and what has come of
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that is I just suddenly oh my god like I was
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journaling last night I journaled today I journaled like I feel like the old soggy rice 3 is back.
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I feel like the old Soggy Rice 3 was gone for a little bit
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because I really had to focus on my degree
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but they're back now and yeah I hope
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that you guys are happy to hear that as well
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because sometimes I look back on my old content
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and I'm like oh like this was really good
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and I feel like I've not been able to like tap in to what I was doing before um
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but I think it's just because I was so busy.
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It's like a lot of what I want to talk about
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like for example today I want to talk about something a lot of it is very emotionally tied
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or like requires a lot of reflection
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and I didn't really have the emotional space to reflect on those things if that makes sense. But yeah
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so life updates i am free i'm free for a few
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months now i'm really really happy about it i've been journaling again for a little
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while now but like today and yesterday i've really been journaling like i woke up
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and the first thing i did was like i need to write i feel
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so much i need to write uh
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and yeah i'm really excited i've got some books
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that i'm currently reading as well um i'm reading for damapada
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and the post office girl
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and i also want to read this like philosophy book as well
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so basically i just feel like the old soggy rice 3 is back i understand the vibe
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that I was on before I feel like I lost it
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and then the moment I handed in
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that essay I was like she's back she's back also another
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thing like a random thing before we talk about what I
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want to talk about today is I am doing this little
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experiment based off of this TikTok I saw I don't remember
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the name of the TikToker I will like put the TikTok up on the screen
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but I know it's really annoying because this is a podcast
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so I'll also like explain what it is it's basically this
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TikTok where someone has like covered their mirror with a scarf
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and the caption like the caption on the TikTok is something like we weren't meant to see ourselves so much.
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That is something that I have thought about quite a lot, especially in regards to my job and especially when I used to model.
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In the past, this is such a like level one thought, I'm sure everyone listening to this has thought this before as well, but like before, and I say before, like whatever, in like the caveman times,
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I don't really know how like historically accurate this is going to be, we would see ourselves only in like, I don't know, reflections like bodies of water,
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for example, we wouldn't really like have these mirrors that surround us all the time.
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And for me, like every time I go to the loo, I have a mirror in my bathroom
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and then I come back into my room and I've got a huge floor length mirror in my room.
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And when I sit on my bed, I can see myself in my mirror.
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When I sit on the floor, I can see myself in the mirror.
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And because of that, I like I'm always surrounded by my reflection.
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And then like when I was modeling, I also was like having to look at pictures of myself a lot
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and having to really fuss over the way I looked had to fuss over my reflection had to make sure
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that my skin was looking great that my hair was looking great
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that I was looking great it was also just really weird
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like I had to take my measurements once a week
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and stuff it was really weird whereas now I'm not having
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to do it in such a like I don't know like mechanical way in a way that's like
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so overseen by someone else if that makes sense
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but I I'm still like right now I'm looking at myself
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because I'm recording on my phone uh also sorry that I'm not recording my nice camera.
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I don't know why, I just really wanted like, I think it's like the old Soggy Rice 3.
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I'm tapped back in.
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I really wanted to have it like cozy like how it used to be.
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But also like I, yeah, when I like have to post pictures and videos of myself regularly, when I edit videos of myself, I'm just looking at my face constantly.
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And I just suddenly was like, that's such a good idea to just like cover my mirror, especially because what I've been doing the past few days as I've been like doing my essays, I've had my phone off.
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Also guys, screen addiction has been so gone recently.
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It's been so good.
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I've just had my phone off.
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Like all of yesterday I had my phone off except for I switched it on for one minute I think
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because I had to check something that was only checkable on my phone.
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I literally checked it for one minute and then switched my phone back off.
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It's been so good.
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Because of that I've not really been surrounded by my reflection
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or my image at all for the past few days and I haven't got any thoughts yet.
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I do feel a bit different but that could be like
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so many other things so I don't want to like point to anything specific
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and say like This is because I've not been looking at myself as much.
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What I'm going to say is this is like a experiment in progress.
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Results are pending.
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I'll let you guys know what I think.
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It's really nice because I can still use my mirror.
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I just have to actively be like, okay, now I want to engage with my reflection because I want to do my like evening skincare.
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So I'm going to choose to move the like scarf to the side, do my skincare and then I put the scarf back into place.
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So yeah, it's been nice.
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It's been nice for the very purpose to be like, okay, now I'm going to look at myself.
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But I'm not also suggesting this is something you should do.
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This is literally just like an experiment.
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So we'll see what I find from it.
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I am curious to see if I feel anything, if I think anything.
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Basically, I just feel amazing.
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I feel like all my old good habits have just suddenly like re-entered my body without me even having to try anything.
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And I think it's just glee over the fact that I have so much free time.
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I feel like I was built to be unemployed.
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And I know this is such a like, everyone probably feels this way.
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Well, actually, no, because I know some people
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that love working I really really really don't like being tied to like a schedule
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and deadlines and stuff and I just have to grow up
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and I have to do it like I mean I do
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because now I am able to maintain this job
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which is like difficult because it's like very self-motivated like a lot of deadlines
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and stuff it's easy to just like pretend they're not there
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because if I don't open my emails then those deadlines aren't there
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so like I feel like I have gotten better with it.
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I think I used to be a lot more when I was young, like I was much more stubborn about like, I never want to work, but I have to work.
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I think I was also probably like a bit traumatized because there was one point, which I've mentioned before, I think on here, where I was working like 60 hours a week, but I was also really sleep deprived
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because I was working two jobs where I was working at this fast food place until 3am.
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And then I was working in a cafe that I'd have to open about like 7am.
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So I'd have to wake up early and like go to the cafe to open for 7am.
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So if I had a 3am close and a 7am open, I wasn't really sleeping.
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And I think I, because I was really young, that was like right after I finished school.
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I think I associated that with work, which also might be why now I don't feel like I'm working full time.
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Because I'm working really reasonable hours and I'm sleeping really well and I'm able to take care of myself if I need.
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Whereas back then, I was like crazy.
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Like I was really, like I ended up being signed off work because my health was just so bad at the time.
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So I think maybe that also might be why I was
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so stubbornly like I cannot ever work because I thought
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that that's what it meant to work And I was like never again, but then obviously like I have to work because I have to make money I also say like then I was like, oh, I never want to work I want to make it clear
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because I know some people are lucky enough to be able to like live with their parents
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and not work I have always had to work like the
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feeling of I never want to work was not anything that could ever be materialized Like I always had to work.
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I worked while I was at school
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But like the moment I left school like I have always
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been in employment from what I remember Like I think it's very rare that I've had periods of unemployment.
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So I just want to make that clear that it's not like I'm like, oh, I never want to work and I don't have to because I will be financially supported by my mother.
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Like I have had to work.
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How did I even get to this?
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Anyways, the thing that I want to talk to you guys about, which I it's like a seed of a thought.
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It's not something I've actually fully developed.
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And I also feel like it's quite obvious.
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So I wonder where we will go from here
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because the seed of the thought that I have is something that is super like, duh, like 13 year old thought that for some reason has just reached me really late.
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And maybe from that, we'll be able to develop something.
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For a bit of background context, I have an incredibly low pain tolerance.
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Like I am very sensitive.
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Partly, I think that is like, I don't really like, I'm going to use these terms, but I don't entirely know what they mean.
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All I really know is how it feels to be me.
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I have like sensory processing issues to do with like the fact that I'm neurodivergent.
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Like I do struggle with certain sensory experiences.
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I struggle.
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They are very overwhelming.
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But additionally, I think, and this is where I'm not sure if this is like an actual thing or not.
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I think I actually just am physically, like I register pain.
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I don't think so.
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It's not just like as a processing thing, but I think pain actually does feel worse.
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And that's obviously something that I can't measure.
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The reason I think that, first of all, I've just had a lot of experiences where like the same thing will happen to me in another person
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and I will be crying my eyes out and they'll be fine.
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But one like quite significant where I was like, okay, like the evidence I needed was I went to a dentist once for a hygiene appointment
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and they were like doing something to my teeth where I had to ask for a break because it was so painful.
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And they said that most people actually aren't able to even really feel that, or if they do, it's like very mild.
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Whereas for me, I registered it as painful.
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So I think that's why I said, I'm not sure.
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Like, I don't know if that is also because of sensory processing issues, blah, blah, blah.
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Basically, I feel pain very intensely.
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And I think because of that, I have a lot of like fear around feeling pain like
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i really really cannot stand the idea of being in pain
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and i also cannot stand physical discomfort
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when i am in a situation where i'm feeling a lot of pain i genuinely
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and like not in a serious way i don't want to like make light of these feelings
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but i genuinely sometimes feel like i don't want to live
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because i like want to like i want to make this experience of pain
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and discomfort stop it's not serious because i would never do anything about
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that what i mean is just Like I sometimes ask myself in those situations, like, because I'm curious, would you rather continue living or stop living entirely, never be able to live again and stop this experience?
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And almost always, I would rather stop the experience of pain.
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Obviously, then like the pain goes away and then I'm like, oh, I'm fine.
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But I think that's why I am nervous always about like then being in pain again, because I recognize how like intensely I react to it.
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Where like emotionally, I'm like, I can't process this.
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I would rather not be here anymore than feel this pain.
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I talk quite a lot on here about my fear of death
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and something that like I also feel is even
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if I'm not scared of the actual experience or not the experience
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but I guess the lack of experience like I'm not scared of actually not being here anymore something
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that I'm really scared of is the process of dying at
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times that's changed like at points it was the fact
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that like when you are in the process of dying you are the only person experiencing
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that you are entirely alone in that experience of death
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and of dying and that was largely
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because of reading uh the death of even iliage
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that like really messed me up for a little while
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because i'd never thought about it that way but another thing
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and i think like linked to that is the fact
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that it is probably really painful like something i think a lot about drowning i don't want to drown not
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because i don't want to die but
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because i don't want to even for a moment experience what
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it must be like to drown i don't want to ever be
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in that much pain i can't even imagine how much pain
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that is but
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because i'm not even able to to handle like quite regular
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like I don't know like a paper cut how would I be able to experience
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that and I don't know the two might be very linked actually now
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that I think about the thing about loneliness
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and about pain I think something that I don't like about pain is
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that like that is something that I experience alone
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and I think I'm really lucky to have really warm sweetie pie people around me particularly like my friends
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and my partner if I'm feeling bad they are
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so like oh didoms like come here sweetie like they're really lovely
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but when I'm in pain they can't meet me there i'm the one that's experiencing pain
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and i think it makes me feel really alone
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and this is separate to like also it's not just this
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existential like whoa actually i experience life entirely as this single vessel
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that can never truly be intertwined with another vessel like it's not just
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that it also is just like i'm a wuss
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and i don't like being in pain
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but yeah i think i've just realized i think it is also tied to
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that kind of loneliness aspect
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that like no one can experience this with me i have
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to go through this experience entirely alone it is really bad
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though like for example right now I am a bit uncomfortable
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because I have this blister
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that like guys also let me know what the hell this
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might be I don't know I had this blister randomly appear on my face
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but I didn't burn my face
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and like I'm fine everywhere else I just like had a blister suddenly appear
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and I've been putting Vaseline on it I don't know
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if you're supposed to do that but apparently
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that helps to like make sure it doesn't scar when it heals
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but I'm so aware of it as I speak
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and I can just feel that there is something there
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and it doesn't hurt it has hurt at points but right now doesn't hurt.
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I'm just uncomfortable and I'm aware of that discomfort.
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Immediately my experience of life is like 10% less enjoyable.
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No more than that, like 30% less enjoyable because I'm aware of something slightly uncomfortable on my face.
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And it's weird because I'm like, I'm a very, like in other ways, very tough person.
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Like I'm able to handle very intense emotional pain pretty well.
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It's just physical.
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Like this is strictly a very physical bodily discomfort I'm unable to handle.
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The problem is obviously like I do feel pain.
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I am often in situations where I'm a lot of pain my last video
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which was my may favorites i ended up speaking loads about the fact
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that i have horrific horrific period cramps
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which i have not been well no i've been seen by
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a doctor about it my doctor was just kind of like
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kind of like nuts to be honest like it was really like medical misogyny my doctor said
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that the reason i have period pain so bad
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that i like actually used to like nearly black out like
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i was blacking out i would have to like throw myself
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into the bath i'd be panting like an animal from the amount of pain i was in
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and my doctor said it is because women store their emotions in the uterus.
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So on days when my period's that bad, maybe I'm just being a little bit more emotional than usual.
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So I didn't go back to my doctor.
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I think I might maybe ask to see a different doctor.
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Basically, blah blah blah blah blah.
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Since uploading that video, I did more research about other random symptoms I have too
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and I do feel like my experience aligns with endometriosis obviously i am not diagnosed with
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that this is like stage one where i'm just kind of having the idea
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that maybe that is potentially something i experienced
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but like a big reason for that is
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that like the intensity of the pain i feel really aligns
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with like other stories of how intense the pain is
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when you have endometriosis i also have like loads of other random symptoms
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but anyways i do experience a lot of pain in my life around my period it is
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so bad that i'm sometimes unable to move because i'm in
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so much pain
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so like i need to get over it i also feel discomfort a lot i can't stand
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when it's hot i get really faint when it's hot
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and what am i gonna just like pause living whenever it's
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like a heat wave especially now with how many heat waves
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we have like no i have to continue right now i have this blister on my face
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and it's really uncomfortable am i gonna have to just stop
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living like no i need to like i need to get over it
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and i need to be able to handle discomfort and paint sorry
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that was such long context i feel like i've been talking for
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so long i think i've just missed talking to you guys
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so suddenly i'm like but basically the level one thought is just
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that i was speaking to my mom's friend about it no i was speaking to my friend's mum about it
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and she said something about how like she kind of checked
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me she kind of pointed out in a very nice way
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about how privileged it is to be like oh i can't stand being in pain like every now
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and then um and she was like look like in a lot of places
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and in a lot of times it was very normal to
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be in a lot of pain for example there were times
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this is all very non-historical by the way um there were times
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and there are still places where children have to work very difficult like physical labor jobs
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and it is very very uncomfortable for their bodies but
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that discomfort is just part of their lives
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and they just accept like pain is a part of their life
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and i was thinking about how like first of all grateful i am
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that like pain is not a regular part of my life
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but then i was like
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but it could be like i could have pain as a
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regular part of my life for example another thing again like
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all these worries about future pain I might have I like over pronate like crazy
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when I walk and I've been told by a doctor
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that like that's probably gonna lead to a lot of hip pain
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when I'm old um and I'm nervous about
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that now at like 22 I'm like oh my god
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when I'm old I'm probably gonna have hip pain like yeah I probably am
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and it's mad that I'm like unable to like have a good time now
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because of the pain I might be in when I'm older
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and I think my mum's friend oh god my friend's mum
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I think my friend's mum saying like for a lot of
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people like obviously she just used like children working as an example but like
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for a lot of people being in pain is just a part of their life
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and they just have to like accept that and choose to keep living
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and choose to keep loving their lives really quickly like for
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me like i think growing up with a lot of like i'm great now
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but growing up i had a lot of issues with my health
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and that wasn't really like physically uncomfortable
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but it did manifest in me being really like depressed at points in my life
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and i think because of
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that like i mentioned at one point in this video like
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I am fine dealing with emotional discomfort I accept emotional discomfort
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I'm really good now like I genuinely am really really mentally well
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but I think a large part of that is because I'm
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so mentally unwell growing up because of
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that like I I'm able to be like oh okay like for example
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when sometimes I get like really badly seasonally depressed I'm able to be like okay now I am seasonally depressed
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but I still even though I feel so horrible
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and I don't want to get out of bed
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and I genuinely in my heart feel like there is no
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joy at all in the world I still am choosing to get up
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and I still I'm gonna make myself a nice beautiful delicious big breakfast
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and I am still going to clean my room
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and I'm still gonna take care of myself
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and I'm able to kind of just chug along in a way
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that I can't with physical pain I think partly
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because I've been really lucky to not have to actually like live through much physical pain
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but again I don't want to downplay the pain
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that I have experienced it's just never been physical
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and I think maybe that's why I kind of like
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when I feel physical discomfort I'm like whoa this is like a horrible new experience
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that I don't want anything to do with
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and basically I kind of like after speaking to my friend's
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mum I like try to reframe the way I view pain as more
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so how I view I guess like emotional pain which is
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that like to consent to be alive to choose to be
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alive I am choosing to accept pain like I have to accept pain
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or I could not and I could be miserable whenever I'm in pain like I am now
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but like to be alive is to be in pain sometimes
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and it's weird because yeah like I said I've wrapped my head around the emotional pain aspect
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but I don't know why I'm so averse
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that like I can't stand the idea of being in physical pain weirdly thinking about it
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that way helped and again i feel like this is
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so obvious and also like i don't know
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if there's any people who are watching this who do struggle
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with like long-term pain um who do have maybe like issues with their health
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that lead to them just being in pain a lot of the time
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if so like i'm also really sorry
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that you had to hear my like really privileged take of
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like oh my god sometimes my like period pains flare up like for one week in the month
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and it's like super painful like it's like yeah basically that's
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my point i guess is i realized how silly it was
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and how rooted in this assumption
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that like I deserve to be pain-free all the time I've managed to kind of finally like lock
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that view about pain into my like general more core value system
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and one of my kind of core value system ideas
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which I'm gonna explain really poorly now
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because it's really more of a feeling is this understanding
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that like I am not any more deserving than anyone else who exists
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or anything else that exists I am not any more deserving of joy of wonder of happiness of health of safety
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than any other human being alive.
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And I don't know why that didn't like, I mean, I rationally know that about pain.
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I'm not any more deserving of being pain-free than anyone else, but I wouldn't act like that because whenever I'd experienced like a little, like I'd stub my toe and I'd be like, oh my God, this is happening to me.
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This shouldn't be happening to me.
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But it's like, no, like why would it not happen to me over anyone else?
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And I think like kind of interpreting that through the way I interpret other things and through that more general value system,
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which is that like to be alive is consenting to all these things that happen to all these people.
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Those things could happen.
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That doesn't mean that it's fair, right?
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If now I were to, I don't know, let's say it is endometriosis and let's say it gets worse.
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And let's say that I actually am like really, like I couldn't imagine being in more pain to be honest with how bad the period pains get sometimes.
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But let's say they do get even, even worse.
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That is not fair.
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I don't deserve to be in that much pain, but I don't, no one deserves to be in that much pain, you know, I'm not any less deserving of that pain than anyone else.
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That doesn't mean it's fair.
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That doesn't mean I also shouldn't go see a doctor about it.
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But I feel like this like sudden feeling of like, why me, why me?
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Like, no, this can't be happening to me.
423
I feel like is quite irrational and also just ends up causing like it's irrational
424
because it causes me more pain Because then i'm mentally fighting against the fact
425
that it's even happened And I feel like I need to tap back in especially now
426
that my essays are over
427
and i'm able to be sent again I need to tap back into
428
that radical acceptance Some people misunderstand when I talk about acceptance
429
and this is more so
430
when I used to talk about it more I feel like i've not spoken about it in a
431
while because i've been a student and because of
432
that for some reason I was unable to be chill
433
when I used to talk about acceptance some people thought
434
that meant like oh
435
if someone smacks me across the face i accept i've been smacked in the face
436
and then i won't do anything about it no
437
if someone smacks me in the face i would say like
438
hey can you not smack me in the face please that's
439
really really unkind what's your problem assuming it's a friend
440
if it was like a stranger i'd probably like i don't know like go find a safe space
441
but to accept it is like what i mean by accepting is
442
that rather than being like oh my god i can't believe
443
this happened to me no this couldn't have happened i'm really fighting against the reality
444
that like it did happen just being like no like it did happen
445
and now what am i going to do about it rather than fighting against the fact
446
that like it even happened in the first place.
447
Something also I like to think about is the fact that like what I am craving in those moments where I'm like, oh my god, no, like I can't believe that my best friend smacked me across the face.
448
Okay, let's actually come up with a better example.
449
Oh my god, I just thought of one and it like actually like said it showed down my spine.
450
Let's imagine that my best friend is cheating on me with my boyfriend.
451
Wait, no, i mean my boyfriend cheating me my best friend but no
452
if my best friend got my boyfriend i feel like she's
453
cheating on me too like both of them are cheating on me literally like nightmare situation if
454
that has happened to any of you like i genuinely like i feel like i cannot imagine many worse things
455
but let's imagine that happened right to accept
456
that i don't mean to be like okay guys
457
and you guys are still my best friend and my boyfriend
458
and i want to hang out with you guys still
459
and i completely am fine that this happened that's not what i mean by like accept that it happens.
460
I mean just like rather than fight against the truth, just to be like okay my best friend is sleeping with my boyfriend,
461
hypothetically, and I now choose to distance myself from both of them
462
because that isn't the relationship I consented to with either of them.
463
I don't want to be close with someone who is
464
so careless with my feelings and I choose to cut both of them off and I let go of the situation.
465
And I guess then the second point that I wanted to make, which I felt that this
466
hypothetical like illustrate a bit better is that I think
467
when I push back too much against accepting a situation for
468
what it is what I am doing actually is I am like craving for a universe in
469
which that didn't happen I think that kind of explains what I mean better
470
because I feel like what I'm saying is really obvious
471
but I'm trying to get to something a bit deeper
472
and I'm doing it really miserably because I've not spoken about these things in a while so
473
when I'm like oh my god I can't believe this happened
474
no why me this shouldn't happen what I'm thinking about is like
475
I am imagining a situation in which my best friend
476
and my boyfriend weren't sleeping together but
477
that universe does not exist there is no universe in which
478
that didn't happen and
479
so I have to accept no I am in the universe the only universe in
480
which my boyfriend and my best friend did sleep together what am I gonna do with
481
that knowledge now
482
and I don't know why none of these like weird like
483
unnecessarily like very intense spiritual philosophical ideas about the world I have
484
that like allow me to actually like feel really comfortable
485
and happy and zen in the world in a way that's kind of roundabout
486
and I feel like it's just a really like the longest
487
path possible like the scenic route to acceptance I don't know why
488
that doesn't apply to pain and basically now
489
that like it's been pointed out to me
490
so obviously I suddenly I'm like oh
491
when for example I'm having those horrific cramps awful awful awful period cramps where I I'm
492
so like I can't stress how painful they are I'm not able to move
493
because I'm in
494
so much pain instead of being like no why me why
495
me this shouldn't be happening to me I don't deserve this that's not what I rationally think
496
but like maybe that's like what I think deep down maybe
497
that's why I'm having such a strong emotional aversion to pain what I am craving is a universe in
498
which I am not in pain and
499
that universe does not exist I am in the universe in
500
which I'm in pain
501
so what am I going to do about it probably I should take a paracetamol
502
because even though I'm in so much pain not
503
because I'm a medical skeptic I think it's just
504
because I grew up with eastern european family who are all like I'll just tough it out
505
because I'm so strong and I want to do things the natural way um
506
so first of all I probably take a paracetamol, take little sips of water, call my brother or something to go
507
and get me a hot water bottle please
508
and then book a doctor's appointment with a different doctor to speak to about what I'm feeling.
509
I don't know, I just feel like this is so obvious, I'm sure anyone who has thought about pain before has thought of this
510
but I just really never thought about it so simply and I think especially because I'm so scared of being in pain, I feel like this has really helped me.
511
When I am dying and I'm in pain, there is no universe in which I was not dying and not in pain when i die and i'm in pain, there's no need to say like,
512
oh well maybe it's not my time to go yet, oh well maybe if i'd done this then i wouldn't be dying
513
and in pain right now when i'm dying and i'm in pain, that is what is happening and i have to just accept
514
that is what is happening and if i'm in horrible pain and my body's in horrible pain, i just have to accept it because i'm in that situation now,
515
there's nothing else i can do me feeling awful about it is not gonna help
516
if i'm dying and i'm in pain this has been the worst soggy race 3 podcast episode
517
because i am genuinely speaking about things that are so obvious
518
but i just never thought about it
519
that way i made some notes let's check
520
if i actually have even stuck to the notes yeah okay
521
i didn't really write much i basically wrote what i've said now
522
which is that yeah i used to be so
523
so scared of pain and i think it's
524
because painlessness was seen as my default and i couldn't believe
525
that the universe dared to set me out of my default
526
and have me feel a little bit of pain in my stubbed toe
527
but basically i think that that might really help me i think
528
that that mindset towards pain has really helped and i think think
529
that it's nice it's been a nice refresher of what i feel deepest downest anyways
530
which is this kind of radical acceptance like i feel like
531
it has been my guiding light in my life thank you stoicism thank you like meditating loads
532
when i was young thank you having really like hippie spiritual
533
friends thank you universe for teaching me radical acceptance it's just
534
so good it's just so good and i did think for a
535
while like maybe it's just like as a way of coping with pain
536
but like yeah because
537
when you are in a situation it's like i could argue about the injustice of the situation
538
and stuff but i can do that in a different way like again i think
539
so many people just think
540
that i'm just like i don't know i allow people to be horrible to me
541
and i allow people to like step all over me
542
and then i don't do anything about it
543
because i just accept like no i actually i think i've
544
got really good firm personal boundaries i've gotten way better at handling conflict
545
and stuff like that i feel like no not at all like i'm actually i'm very good at being like, I don't like this, so I don't want this to happen.
546
I don't like that.
547
But the point is, I am approaching all of that not from a, I don't want this to happen to me, and I can't believe it has happened.
548
And I'm so upset because it even has happened.
549
And now I'm going to really ruminate about the fact that it has happened, and I can't believe it even could have happened to me.
550
Instead, I'm just like, no, I don't like that that happened.
551
But it did.
552
So what am I going to do about it?
553
I'm sorry that this has been not like the most profoundly interesting or anything, like podcast.
554
I feel like this has been more so like for myself than for you guys.
555
I hope that you guys bear with
556
because I am loading I'm booting back up to spiritual Alex
557
but I feel like I have to like remember the core lessons again
558
and the core lessons I've already shared with you guys
559
so I'm sure for you guys this is boring recap oh
560
where where you're such a baby Alex what you're in pain
561
and you forgot to remember
562
that you are no less deserving of pain than anyone else in the world okay level one stoic um
563
but I have been out of the loop with this kind of thinking for a
564
while because I've just been so busy and I think I've been
565
so emotionally busy if that makes sense um especially
566
because like I know that I'm keeping my course like a secret
567
and I've not been speaking about uni
568
and that's just like not for any deep boundary I just for some reason was like oh what
569
if I just like don't ever talk about the degree
570
that I'm doing in order to kind of have a bit of separation from my work
571
and my studying and since doing that I've been very comfortable
572
so just know that is why I don't talk about my degree online
573
but it is quite an intense degree in terms of like
574
what is expected of me not even like emotionally it's not like I'm doing anything that hands-on
575
but like it is quite intense in regards to like the
576
things I'm learning it takes a lot out of me in a way that isn't like, I don't know, the way
577
that like studying medicine takes a lot of time out of you
578
and it takes a lot of effort to like learn, right?
579
It's more so like it takes a lot out of me that also this job takes from me.
580
And because of that, I just haven't had the room to explore how I feel
581
and what I think and to remind myself to sharpen the mind.
582
But now I have the time to again.
583
So hopefully I'll be back with something a bit more profound to talk about next time, because this was really level one stuff.
584
But nonetheless, thank you so much for watching.
585
I don't know
586
if you can tell how much more alive I feel it
587
might just all be in my head maybe I don't come across any different at all
588
so let me know
589
if you feel like I'm acting a bit different in this
590
video please let me know any thoughts you have in the comments please like this video
591
if you like this video please subscribe
592
if you haven't already I like to talk a lot I chat a lot I tend to talk about books
593
and journaling and living slow
594
and the kind of stuff I spoke about in this podcast today
595
and I feel like I'll be doing a lot better talking now
596
that I'm free because before I feel like I was very in my head
597
and I don't know if that came across in my videos.
598
I will disappear again in October when my degree starts again but for now you can enjoy me while I'm here.
599
Anyways thank you so much for watching
600
and I'll see you guys next week hopefully with something a little bit more interesting to talk about.
601
Bye bye!
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Who Will Love This Video?
This video is perfect for intermediate English learners ready to level up their speaking skills—especially those prepping for IELTS speaking practice or wanting to sound more natural in casual conversations. The relaxed, conversational tone makes it ideal for practicing real-life fluency, and the personal stories keep it engaging. If you’re using a shadowing app or mastering the shadowing technique, this dialogue is a goldmine: it’s slow enough to follow but packed with everyday phrases that feel authentic, not scripted.
Words & Idioms to Add to Your Toolkit
The video is full of standout expressions that make speech sound lively. Here are a few to "steal":
- Locking in: Focusing intensely (e.g., "I was locking in on this essay"). Great for describing deep work!
- Ginormous: A fun, informal way to say "huge" (e.g., "a ginormous essay"). Perfect for casual chats.
- Crack on with: To start or continue a task (e.g., "I need to crack on with that"). Common in British English and super useful for daily conversations.
- Tap into: To access or connect with a feeling or state (e.g., "tap into that slow living vibe"). Adds depth to how you describe emotions.
Nailing the Accent & Flow
The speaker’s tone is warm and conversational, with natural pauses and relaxed pronunciation—key for shadowspeak practice. Notice how she shortens words like "I’m" and "don’t" (contractions) to keep the flow smooth. Pay attention to the rise in pitch when she shares exciting news ("I submitted my final essay!") and the calm, steady pace when talking about meditation. To mimic this, use the shadowing technique: pause the video, repeat her lines, and focus on matching her rhythm and intonation. It’ll help you sound less "scripted" and more like a native. Learning English with videos like this isn’t just about words—it’s about capturing the heart of how people *really* talk. So grab your shadowing app, hit play, and get comfortable with the messy, wonderful process of growing your skills. You’ve got this!
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to actually · used to model · used to be |
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on | i've been journaling · i've really been journaling · I've been doing |
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if it was like a stranger i'd probably · if i'd done this then i wouldn't be |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've done · I've been · have thought |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.