Shadowing Practice: How to Enter Your Unbothered Era: Stop Over-Explaining and Let Them Lose You - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Let them lose you.
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If they misunderstand you, let them.
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If they don't defend you, let them.
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If they grow apart, let them.
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If they leave, let them.
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So your girl actually really did not want to talk about this topic because it feels really soon for me.
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I am currently actively going through it.
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I'm healing from heartbreak and healing from an experience that I processed as betrayal.
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And you know, it's so much easier to give advice once you're fully healed, you're glowed up, you know, you're up, you're over it.
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But then I kind of thought about it.
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I would trust someone in recovery more than someone who's never struggled or feels like amazing.
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Like for example, if I wanted help with getting sober, for example, I'd rather listen to someone who fought through addiction and like made it out, not someone who's never had a drink in their life.
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You know what I'm saying?
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So I thought that it would be good for me to make this video, even though I'm in the middle of my healing journey as we speak.
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And so that you guys don't feel alone, you know?
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So this is me, you know, being vulnerable, talking in the middle of my healing and my heartbreak to help you guys.
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So you feel less alone, by the way, if you're new here, my name is Lena and I share all things So if you're not already subscribed, what are you doing?
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Okay, what are you doing?
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Go subscribe right now.
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Let them lose you.
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So when I say let them lose you, this includes breakups, friendship breakups, people drifting, leaving you out, people disrespecting you, people talking behind your back, misunderstanding you.
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Even if like a stranger on the street was rude to you for no reason, let them.
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So first you got to understand what the let them theory is.
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simple.
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If they want to leave, let them.
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If they want to misunderstand you, let them.
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If they don't listen to you, let them.
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But here's the harsh reality that I feel like not enough people talk about with the let them theory.
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Practicing the let them theory is so hard, bro.
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Like unbelievably difficult.
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It is so easy to say let them and pretend to be unbothered.
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Like you don't care when in reality you actually really do.
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But the reason why the let them theory is so hard to actually practice Because what you are doing is ego death.
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And what I mean by that is in order to practice the let them theory
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and be unbothered and detach and not care, what you're essentially doing is taking any ego and pride that you have inside, taking it, smashing it on the ground,
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stomping on it, kicking it away and walking away.
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And honestly, the best way I can describe the feeling, especially after a friendship breakup or a relationship breakup or accepting when a random stranger was rude to you for no reason.
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Tell me why it literally feels like it physically hurts your stomach.
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in my stomach and that I'm being punched in the gut over and over and over again.
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It literally feels like my brain is being hijacked.
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I just keep overthinking and replaying scenarios in my head, thinking about what I should have said instead, asking myself questions.
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Why did they do that?
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Why did I let them do that?
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Like just ruminating over and over again.
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Because when someone chooses differently than you expected, it triggers you.
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You start asking yourself, was I not enough?
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Did I do something wrong?
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Am I not chosen?
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You automatically turn inward.
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So the idea of control, and outcomes.
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And if you are someone who fixes, over -explains, over -performs, over -forgives, you put so much effort and thought,
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it makes surrendering feel borderline unbearable.
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Stop performing for people who've already decided.
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So I actually learned through therapy in romantic relationships and in friendships.
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Whenever I felt misunderstood, I would always send long explanations.
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I would always try to clarify my intentions.
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I would always try to explain my side.
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just try to defend myself over and over and over again.
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And what I actually learned is that is a trauma response.
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When you are so used to being dismissed and misunderstood and just like not seen, you feel like you always have to overcompensate.
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But here is the brutal truth, okay?
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You cannot force clarity on someone that has already decided their version of events.
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You cannot force someone to see you differently if they've already chosen how they choose to see you.
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And actually responding by over -explaining, over -defending, that shifts you from being I had this friend group in college, you know at first it was amazing I was
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so glad to have a group of friends in college finally
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because at first I was always struggling to make friends in college and we lived together It felt like sisterhood.
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It felt really solid but over time, you know, the dynamics started to shift There was always like tension and you know, I started to hear that they were saying things behind my back You know
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when you walk into a room of people and you just know
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that they were talking about you behind your back Because as soon as you walk into the room, they just get super quiet.
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Yeah, I So
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yeah i started hating being at my apartment i would brace
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every single time i had to go to my apartment
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and i remember this one time i came home i said hi to my friends
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but they kind of just gave a very like passive aggressive dry high like hey like that.
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And I was in the kitchen and I accidentally bumped into my friend who was making tea.
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I accidentally bumped into her.
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I go, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
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And she like grabs the tea mad aggressive and then like storms into her room.
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And I was just like, And I went into my room and I cried.
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Thinking about it now, it sounds so silly, but yeah, like back then it was so hurtful.
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And part of me felt guilty, like, because I knew that I was never at the apartment and I wasn't spending time with them.
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So I would try harder whenever I would see them.
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I tried to be extra nice.
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I tried to talk to them more, but the more I tried, the more passive aggressive that they became towards me.
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And long story short, we are not friends.
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We haven't been friends for years.
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And I genuinely believe that that was the best mature decision for both of us.
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And I'm not about to sit here I see why they built some resentment towards me.
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I barely spent time with them because at the time I was in my first ever serious relationship.
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I was spending any free time that I had with him.
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And you know, a lot of times that does happen when you've never been in a relationship before.
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You think that that's normal, that you spend every free waking hour with them, which also for context, I want to give myself some grace because it was my first ever serious relationship.
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And it was also an unhealthy relationship, clearly, because if you're spending all your time with one person, that's just not healthy.
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And if you just think a little bit deeper, the fact that I
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time with that person instead of my friends like
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that is a red flag like it's a red flag
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that the relationship is probably not healthy
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but you know a lot of people they don't think deeper than what they see
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but I'm not making an excuse you know that was my fault
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and I could have absolutely shown up better as a friend to them
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and I think that's the mature part of actually letting them it's realizing
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when someone is mistreating you but also turning inward
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and asking where did I contribute what could have I done differently what patterns was I repeating
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and I truly believe that growth.
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And low key, I feel like not enough people talk about this.
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Sometimes friendship breakups are worse than actual breakups.
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Like some friendship breakups had me crying, sliding down the wall.
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snot in my nose like ugly crying for hours and hours
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and i'm gonna be honest it actually took me two years like two full years to get over
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that friendship breakup because i was just so hurt by what they were saying
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and probably continued to say about me behind my back
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and at the time because of my hurt i started posting on instagram like immediately after
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that friendship breakup trying to prove that i have other friends
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that i don't need them i'm up
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but let them don't try to prove anything let them think
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what they think your piece should be more important than winning the So yeah, we're no longer friends and since cutting them out of my life,
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it's made room for people and friends that are actually really good to me.
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And that's what truly letting them means.
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It's actually moving forward, moving on, being a better person, realizing where they went wrong, realizing where you went wrong, and just trying to do better from there.
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Like that is what true letting them means.
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The I'll show you mindset is just ego in disguise.
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So you know, after breakups, romantic or platonic, there's kind of this like energy shift that you tend to have.
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It's I'll show them.
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glow up, you post that you're up, you're doing better, you post the cheesy quotes, you post the happy moments, and sometimes you overcompensate.
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And look, I'm guilty.
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I'm guilty.
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I'm guilty.
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Take me away.
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I've done it.
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I've done it.
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I have.
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I was the clown
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that was overcompensating on my social media trying to post like I was good
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and I was happy and I was up because I was that butthurt.
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For example, I've posted a bunch of happy highlight moments during a relationship of mine when really behind the scenes,
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it was really unhealthy and I was overcompensating trying to prove to everyone that I was in this like happy, loving, perfect relationship when I wasn't.
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And when I first became single posting on social media, like I was living my best single life when in reality I was heartbroken and overcompensating.
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I remember, oh, I'm not proud of this, but I posted quite a few of those, you know, those quotes that have the white background and the black text.
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I would post a bunch of those during that time because I was subbing people that were believing a narrative about me, a version of me that is not true to who I am.
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You know, after the friendship breakups.
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I was posting other friends, having fun, trying to show that I'm up
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and I have a bunch of other friends and that I have this amazing social life.
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And, you know, that's how I know, guys, anyone who is excessively posting a happy relationship on social media, anyone who is like overly kind of posting how happy they are,
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how perfect their life is, always traveling, living their best life.
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I always question it.
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And not that every single person that does that is trying to overcompensate, but nine times out of ten, they probably are.
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And I know that because I was doing it.
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I was no better.
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No better.
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So if you see that behavior, all you need to do is observe and just look one layer deeper and it reveals there's more to the story.
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And why, you may ask?
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It's because people who are actually genuinely fulfilled, who are actually genuinely successful, who are in genuinely happy,
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healthy relationships, who actually practice the let them theory, they don't need to prove anything to anybody.
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And when you let them lose you, when you let them run with whatever narrative, when you let them mischaracterize you, you stop trying to win.
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And the truth is, you can never actually win.
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People are entitled to their opinions, and if they choose to believe something about you, they will continue no matter what you do.
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So the true win is actually leaving the fight.
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It's leaving the fight in whole and intact and knowing who you are.
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Be careful how you let other people treat you.
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I heard this one quote that completely changed my life, and it's the way someone treats you is a reflection of how they see you.
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But the way that you let people treat you is a reflection of how you see yourself.
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Let that one sink in.
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Yep.
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So if someone disrespects you, that is not proof of your value.
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That reflects them, their character.
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But you need to take accountability because the moment that you keep allowing it, you keep excusing it or forgiving that person and they never change.
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It actually stops being about their character and it becomes about your standards.
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And here's a very uncomfortable truth that you need to just learn how to accept.
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I needed to learn how to accept it.
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Other people Yeah.
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It's an opinion.
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So they might misunderstand you.
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They might treat you in a way that doesn't feel good, but you actually can't control that.
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What you can actually control is whether you keep accepting
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that treatment that you know deep down does not align with your worth.
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So you only give that person power if you keep tolerating it.
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And when you don't understand the way that you let people treat you is a reflection of how you see yourself, you will stay in a toxic relationship with someone that doesn't treat you well.
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You will stay in a friendship with a friend that talks deserve.
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So I'm telling you guys, this is why building true self -worth is so important.
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Spending quality time with yourself is so important.
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Reflecting on yourself, owning your mistakes, seeing where you could change and grow, thinking about what you could do better, how you could be a better person.
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That is all so important.
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And that is actually what your girl's doing right now.
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Okay.
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I got out of a five -year relationship late last year.
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And I also cut off my dad, who was an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic my entire life.
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And girl, let me tell you, lonely, it feels like a battle every single day.
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But I am so for real about building true self -worth that I am forcing myself to be by myself, to sit with myself, spend time with myself,
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get to know myself, reflect.
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I'm not traveling around the world and trying to escape like I was before.
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I'm not going out and partying with friends like I was before.
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I've unfollowed any and all guys that were giving me attention on social media before.
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I'm posting content that doesn't get the most self -worth, not validation anymore.
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And I'm telling you, I refuse to continue to let some of the people from my past treat me the way that I was treated before.
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And genuinely, the strongest person doesn't always act like a victim, like, "Oh, this person wronged me.
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Oh, this person mistreated me.
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Oh, they did me dirty, this
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and that." the strongest person doesn't act like a victim all
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the time the strongest person is actually able to take accountability
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and i had to really look in the mirror
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and be honest with myself
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because of my low self -worth i allowed myself to be treated
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that way and now that i know that i refuse
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and i am not going back when you're not chosen it triggers old wounds
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so i've had this really painful experience recently
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that honestly changed my life forever so this person in my life i saw I believed that things and people can change.
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And that's why what happened next hurt me so deeply without going into too much detail.
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It didn't just feel like a breakup.
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It felt like a betrayal of trust that I gave.
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It felt like I was being told one thing, but experiencing something completely different.
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It felt like I was still holding hope while something had already shifted.
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And when you feel like that and the ending is like that, it doesn't just like hurt.
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It destabilizes you.
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What I experienced, it makes you almost question your own reality.
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was mutual in the first place.
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It felt like my trust had been broken.
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And the reason why it hurt way deeper than a breakup is because it was actually hitting all my old childhood wounds.
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Like I said, I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic father.
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In my entire life, I grew up believing that love had to be earned, attention had to be fought for, and being chosen was conditional.
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So when that relationship ended the way that it did, it felt to me like I was replaceable, that I wasn't enough.
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truly broke me because now as i'm in the middle of healing
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and processing my pain is actually not about the person i do not want
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that relationship back i genuinely believe that god removed me from dynamics
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that he knew was not healthy for me and
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so i am moving forward and i am never looking back
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but the reason why i was so broken
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and i'm still healing as we speak is
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because i let inconsistency dictate my value i let words
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and actions not lining up make me question my intuition i let in me.
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And I had to realize the hard way I was letting someone else define my worth.
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So here is your sign.
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Stop attaching your worth to someone else's actions because someone else showing up in a way that hurts you.
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It does not mean that you are disposable.
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It does not mean that you are unwanted.
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It doesn't mean that you are wrong for loving deeply and being vulnerable.
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It just simply means that you are investing where there wasn't equal alignment.
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And when you realize that that is your cue to let them lose you.
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So when you kind of find yourself being in the space where you're
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able to let go and let them and just like let them lose you, start asking yourself, what wounds am I currently feeling right now that are getting triggered?
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Because once you actually understand that, you're able to look at what's happening to you, that random person being rude to you, your friend leaving you out, the guy you like not liking you back.
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You start to think a layer deeper and you realize the reason it hurts
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so much is because it's triggering all these old wounds.
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You cannot convince someone to see your value.
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To all the ladies and the gents, listen to the words someone to see your value again,
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you cannot convince someone to see your value.
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If that friend that you have doesn't realize how good of a friend you are, if that guy that you like stops texting you back and ghosts you, if that company doesn't want to hire you,
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if that friend group is leaving you out, you cannot convince them to see your value.
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I mean, you could try.
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You could try and bend over backwards, do kickflips, kickstands, back handspring to get these people to like you and see your value.
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But if you have to value in the first place.
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Energy is currency.
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Stop spending it on the wrong investor.
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Energy is currency.
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So every hour that you spend talking about it, replaying it over and over again in your head, analyzing it, trying to prove yourself,
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that is energy from yourself that you are investing into something that is never going to give you back your return.
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And take it from me, as someone that's done that, I had to learn the hard way that the return is trash.
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Some relationships and much pain and not every friendship needs to end in so much pain too.
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Like sometimes relationships end and it's not like some dramatic explosion.
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Maybe you notice you're outgrowing that person.
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You're like going separate ways that you're not relating to them anymore.
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Maybe you're in different stages of life and you're just not relating.
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And you know, value shift, lifestyle shifts.
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You don't have to villainize everyone, but you also don't have to cling to a relationship and a dynamic that is no longer serving you.
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Like you could still love someone, but release them.
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And it doesn't have to be messy.
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You don't have to feel so broken.
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I think true freedom is being Honestly, in every situation I've been in, the relationship breakup, the friendship breakup,
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like I've reflected on myself because being truly mature is not thinking so black and white.
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Like this person is 110 % evil and I'm the good person.
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I did everything right.
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Like that is not true maturity.
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And also nothing is that black and white.
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I genuinely think it's because my frontal lobe has recently just like really loathed.
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And now I look back at all my past relationships, whether it's like friendships or romantic, and I'm like, oh, I did wrong here.
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I shouldn't have done that.
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How can I change that about myself? that way about me.
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I see why they might have been hurt.
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I see why they may have acted like that towards me.
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Doesn't make it okay, but I understand why my behavior may have contributed.
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So it's like self -reflecting because that's how you grow, girl.
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That's how you grow and you evolve and you level up truly, not just Instagram fake posting like you leveled up.
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Like actually leveling up is being able to sit with yourself and look in the mirror and be like, what did I do wrong?
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Why did I let myself be treated like this with this person?
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What can I do better?
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What can I do to make sure this never
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But that's not me and that's not how I'm going to act moving forward.
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And that's how you grow.
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That's how you evolve and change and truly, truly level up without posting those cheesy black and white quotes on your Instagram story.
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You know, you know what I'm saying?
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You lower your own value when you stay where you are just tolerated.
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Oof.
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Oof.
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I had to learn this one the hard way, guys.
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I know.
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It hits, right?
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It hits.
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I had to learn the hard way that there tolerated.
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Being celebrated feels like mutual effort, consistency, emotional safety, being spoken about with respect.
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Tolerated feels like bare minimum, conditional support and love, walking on eggshells, feeling like you have to prove yourself.
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And if you stay where you are just tolerated, you are going to start shrinking.
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And the most dangerous thing that you can do in a breakup, whether it's a romantic one or a friendship,
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whether it's a toxic family member lose is not the person.
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It's yourself.
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Let them lose you so you don't lose yourself.
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This is truly the real heart of it.
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Let them lose you so that you don't lose yourself.
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When you fight to stay where you are unseen, you compromise, you over forgive, you overextend, you overexplain, you abandon your boundaries, and then you abandon yourself.
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And that's what I was doing for years.
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So letting them lose you is not being prideful and being like, I'm better.
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I'm so much better.
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I'm so much better off.
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Like it's like that quiet type of confidence, that certainty that I trust that what is meant for me will not require me to beg.
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And the most freeing realization I've had in this healing season that I'm going through, you do not need everyone to see your value.
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You just need to find the people who already do.
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So all this to say, I am doing the hard work.
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Okay.
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myself the right way because
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when you're feeling this way it feels terrible like it feels
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not great like i said it feels like a battle every day
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but the easy thing to do is to jump into another relationship
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because i feel lonely to go out partying with a bunch
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of friends to try to enter a new friend group to show the old friend group
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that i don't need them it's easy to spam my instagram stories to be like i'm up without you
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and without these friends and this person but even it's the harder route
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I'd rather build my self -worth and truly build my foundation and let them lose me so that I don't lose myself.
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So if you watch to the end, comment down below this emoji so that I know that you're a real one and watch to the end.
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Make sure you follow your girl on Instagram and TikTok.
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I post a lot more on there and I love you guys so, so much.
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I really, really hope that this video was helpful because I'm not gonna lie.
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There was a few times where I wanted to choke up and cry a little bit, but I...
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Power through.
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Power through.
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And I was scared to make this video.
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So if it helps just like one of you out there, I...
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It makes me really happy.
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So I love you guys so, so much and I hope to catch you in my next video.
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Bye.
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu B2 seviyesindeki konuşma dersi “How to Enter Your Unbothered Era: Stop Over-Explaining and Let Them Lose You” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 337 cümle ve 4297 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 20:59 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 205 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %85’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında; geri kalanına başlamadan önce bakmakta fayda var.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodaki en ileri düzey 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| breakup isim | /ˈbɹeɪk.ʌp/ | ayrılık |
| heal fiil | /ˈhiːl/ | iyileştirmek |
| misunderstand fiil | /mɪs.ʌn.də(ɹ)ˈstænd/ | yanlış anlamak |
| reflection isim | /ɹɪˈflɛkʃən/ | yansıma |
| conditional isim | /kənˈdɪʃ.ə.nəl/ | koşul bileşik zamanı, şart bileşik zamanı |
| unhealthy sıfat | /ʌnˈhɛl.θi/ | sağlıksız |
| alcoholic isim | /ˌæl.kəˈhɔ.lɪk/ | alkolik, ayyaş |
| bump isim | /bʌmp/ | çarpma, vuruş |
| subscribe fiil | /səbˈskɹaɪb/ | abone olmak |
| abandon fiil | /əˈbæn.dən/ | bırakmak |
| passive sıfat | /ˈpæs.ɪv/ | edilgen, pasif |
| dynamics isim | /dɑɪˈnæm.ɪks/ | dinamik |
| intuition isim | /ˌɪn.tjuːˈɪʃ.ən/ | görü, sezgi |
| dictate fiil | /ˈdɪkˌteɪt/ | dikte etmek |
| unseen sıfat | /ʌnˈsiːn/ | görünmez |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| go out fiil | çıkmak | |
| get over fiil | üstesinden gelmek, yenmek | |
| grow up fiil | büyümek, yetişmek | |
| line up fiil | /laɪnˈʌp/ | sıraya sokmak |
| show up fiil | ortaya çıkmak |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- You know what I'm saying?
- Why did I let them do that?
- You start asking yourself, was I not enough?
- Did I do something wrong?
- You know, you know what I'm saying?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | who've already decided · has already decided · they've already chosen |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | be unbothered · being punched · being hijacked |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | someone who fought · someone who fixes · someone that has |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı I'm, you're, don't gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 104 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: reflection /ɹɪˈflɛkʃən/, conditional /kənˈdɪʃ.ə.nəl/, eggshell /ˈɛɡʃɛl/, intuition /ˌɪn.tjuːˈɪʃ.ən/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, misunderstand /mɪs.ʌn.də(ɹ)ˈstænd/, narcissistic /ˌnɑɹ.sɪˈsɪs.tɪk/, conditional /kənˈdɪʃ.ə.nəl/, alcoholic /ˌæl.kəˈhɔ.lɪk/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- /w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: inward /ˈɪnwəd/, backward /ˈbækwɚd/, unwanted /ʌnˈwɒntɪd/
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: breakup /ˈbɹeɪk.ʌp/, glow /ɡloʊ/, frontal /ˈfɹʌn.təl/, brace /bɹeɪs/, drift /dɹɪft/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: misunderstand /mɪs.ʌn.də(ɹ)ˈstænd/, alcoholic /ˌæl.kəˈhɔ.lɪk/, abandon /əˈbæn.dən/, passive /ˈpæs.ɪv/, dynamics /dɑɪˈnæm.ɪks/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; breakup, heal, misunderstand gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.