Shadowing Practice: Most People Get Motivation Completely Wrong! | Tracy Harmoush - Learn English Speaking with Video
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By the time we're 35, we're 95 % who we are.
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And unless we are bringing that to the conscious mind instead of the unconscious, most people don't change because change is so uncomfortable.
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Today's guest is speaker, entrepreneur, and founder.
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She joins me for a second time on the podcast today to chat mindset, discipline, feminism, and personal growth.
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My guest today is Tracy Harmosh.
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What do you think a lot of people get wrong when it comes to being disciplined?
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Discipline is not restriction.
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Discipline is freedom.
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If you don't have the discipline to train, you're going to be a prisoner of your body
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If you don't have the discipline to eat well, you're going to be a prisoner of disease
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Discipline doesn't care about your feelings
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It's not about, let me see if I feel good about this so that I will perform today
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You do it anyway
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Create feminism, we're talking about feminism under the umbrella of I can do everything all at once,
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boss babe That is the worst end of the stick for women.
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How does that help us?
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I didn't sign up for someone telling me that you need to have it all together all the time,
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be a boss babe, get paid as much as men in the same industry, while you're taking care of your three kids,
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while you're taking care of your husband, while you're handling your household.
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I don't want that pressure.
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It is not I can do everything.
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It is I can do everything maybe, but...
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All right, Balancers, welcome back to another episode of The Balance Theory.
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I'm excited today because our guest is returning for round two.
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I had her on the show last year.
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That's when we first met and we connected and we've stayed connected and so much has happened since then.
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So I'm really excited to have you on the show again today.
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My guest is Tracy Hamush.
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Tracy, welcome back.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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I am so glad to do a part two.
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The part one actually did really well.
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Yes, yes.
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I'm going to link it in the show notes for people who haven't seen it.
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Basically, we dove deep into, actually, it was quite an iconic moment in time in terms of my trajectory,
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because I spoke to you about your exit from the corporate world and finding your passion and your thoughts around that,
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which I think was a quite unique take for people looking to kind of find more meaning in their life
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and it was actually that conversation
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that was like the last nail in the coffin for me to leave my job
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and move into consulting so it holds a very special place in my heart
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when people ask me what was your what's been your favorite conversation
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that one is always one that's up there so
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if you guys haven't listened to it definitely check it out
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I remember you were still doing full -time then I was still working on a law firm I remember
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that yeah yeah I'm so happy for you everything has changed now
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and this podcast grew massively since yeah lots has happened that's awesome
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But we're here to talk about you today a little bit more.
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You're a woman who has a very unique mindset.
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And I think that it's no surprise that what you've achieved, the things you've created, the relationships you have, the type of person you are,
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it's no coincidence with the way you think.
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But let's talk and dive in a little bit more about mindset.
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What does that actually mean?
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Like when we're talking about mindset, what does that mean to you?
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I think mindset is the basis for everything.
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there's nothing we can follow, not a guide, not a program,
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not a purpose, if we don't feel like we have our mindset intact.
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And what I mean by that is when we feel like we're in control, we're in the driver's seat.
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Even myself, I mean, if I feel thrown off and I'm not aligned in my mindset, I can't even commit to the task that I know.
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I have the tools, I have the knowledge, I know what to do to launch a product.
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I know what to do to lose weight.
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I know what to do to get to the gym.
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But if I don't feel centered in my mind, there's nothing in hell that would make me be able to commit.
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So mindset is the basis of change.
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And most people don't change.
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That's the truth.
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I think there's a statistic that says by the time we're 35, we're 95 % who we are.
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and unless we are bringing
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that to the conscious mind instead of the unconscious where we're doing things out of habit
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and on autopilot because we discovered certain habits of how we feel, our emotions towards certain things,
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our mindset towards certain things, how we do things automatedly physically.
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So unless we change our unconsciousness to the conscious mind and we are aware and self -aware is everything, right?
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You can't make any changes unless you're self -aware.
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It's a superpower.
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Most people aren't.
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You don't realize when you're over -talking.
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You don't realize when you're interrupting.
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You don't realize when you're loud in a room and other people are having a side talk.
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You don't realize that you procrastinate.
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You don't realize a lot of things.
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We just move on autopilot.
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So unless we bring that to our consciousness and make that decision that I want to make that change,
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most people don't change because change is so uncomfortable.
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it gets you to really undo habits.
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And undoing a habit that you've been doing for 30 years, it's very tough.
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So mindset is everything, and I think change starts in your mind.
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How did you initially kind of come to this realization?
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Because it's one thing to become aware of it, and then it's one thing to become aware of your awareness, and actually then start making change.
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So what prompted you to actually start going, okay, what's in my subconscious?
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How do I make that conscious?
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And then how did you actually do that?
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Because I'm just, you know, for people listening who are like, okay, this is interesting.
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How do they understand what their mindset is?
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So I think the first thing was seeing people who I never wanted to end up like and watching their patterns.
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You could look at your parents, you could look at your siblings, you can look at people, your peers, and anyone that has a certain
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habit or continuously does things that are repetitive and a downward spiral or not moving forward or never changing.
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And usually we see this with the older generation.
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I think one of my biggest fears is to end up old and lonely and bitter and stuck in my ways.
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The typical stereotypes that we hear of older people, like he is who he is.
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You can't talk to him.
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You can't change him.
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You can't teach him to change.
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They can't be empathetic.
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They can't listen now.
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Like she is who she is.
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That's very, very difficult pill for me to swallow.
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And I would never want to be in a position where my children think this way of me.
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My friends think this way of me.
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I end up lonely and bitter and not knowing how to add value with my wisdom for the people around me.
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I think the beauty of aging is growing in wisdom and if you don't have wisdom, then all you have is aging.
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You end up bitter.
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You end up not being able to add value in society
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and it's a matter of life
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that we are meant not to be a big part of society as seniors but you can be part of your community.
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You can be able to give your wisdom and your empathy
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and your calm and there's an energy that you want to have
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when your kids are busy with their grandchildren and growing their businesses.
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You want to be that center and that calm when all else fails for them, instead of being the headache in their lives.
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And I think watching people do that in front of me made me realize,
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okay, what do I need to do today in order for me not to reach there?
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And it all starts today.
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Nobody worries about what you are going to be when you're 80 and 90.
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Everybody worries about catering to their inner child, catering to the 12 -year -old who was bullied in school.
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Great, but for how long are we going to do
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that before we start catering to who we are when we're 80 and who we are when we're 90.
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So how do I not be lonely?
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I need to make sure I continue to have peers around me and friends and family that I have real conversation with.
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How do I have wisdom?
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I need to constantly read and constantly, you know, personal development is the mastery of all things, right?
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If you're not feeding your mind, you're losing confidence in my opinion.
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How do I learn how to argue with my husband so
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that I don't brush things aside so that by the time we're 80, we don't know how to talk to each other anymore?
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Right.
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So there's multiple ways of doing it.
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And if you want, if there are certain topics that really hit home for you,
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like relationships, I don't want to have a bad relationship when I'm older.
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I don't want to sleep in separate bedrooms with my husband.
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I don't want to lose my friends when I'm that age.
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I want to be able to have my kids come to me at that age.
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These are all big things for me.
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So today, what can I do in order to continue to be moldable?
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I don't want to fit in that 95 % of people that don't change after 35%.
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I want to be in the 5%.
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And the minute you think of change, it just opens delight and opportunity for you.
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If there's the possibility to change and to grow, at least now for me, with how much I work on change,
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it just shows there's happiness in life that there's the possibility to shift gear
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if all else fails or if things don't go my way.
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And instead of taking it as a negative and a fear,
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I'll just do the change through the fear because there's always beauty that comes on the other side of it.
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Yeah, 100%.
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It's interesting.
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You kind of contemplate who you want to be at that age and reverse engineer it and think,
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well, what changes do I need to make now?
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Because really you're not going to turn 80 and be like, okay, great, how do I make all these things happen?
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It's a foundation you build over time, just like anything, a business, an audience, a voice, like it's built one brick at a time.
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You know, Alex Ormose says it in a very interesting way.
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He says, think of who the 80 -year -old you would be and who you are now
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and try to bridge that gap between who 80 -year -old you is and who you are today.
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What can you do so that that version of 80 year old you
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that you visualize that is at the top of their game has a lot of money, is comfortable, comfortably retired, has some investments here and there,
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has a lovely family.
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How do you reverse engineer that?
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So what do you do to close that gap?
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Me playing video games all day and not training and, you know, slacking off on my business is obviously not going to help me.
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So what am I supposed to do today to bridge that gap as much as possible so I actually achieve that?
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Whether you get there or not is a different story, but at least the process is what you're proud of.
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And I think the confidence is in the process.
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It's not in the end goal.
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You're not going to say, okay, when I reach the $10 million, I'm going to be happy.
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I believe that the process, when you're doing the things that build up to that, that on its own will get you confident.
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That on its own.
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You don't even need to get there yet.
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If you know you're doing the right thing and you're keeping the promises to yourself, you feel good every day there's some confidence every day
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and that's what matters yeah because achieving any goal it's not about reaching
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that milestone it's about becoming the person who has
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that thing who grows into who develops the skills who builds the business
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that has that thing and that is all personal growth
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when i talk about goals it's always about not what you're going to achieve
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it's about who you're going to become and when you reframe it
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that way there's so much more admiration and celebration for the process.
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But this is like an ultimate stretch goal, right?
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And we're not just talking about where do you want to go in the next 12 months in the next five years,
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like if you actually dangle that idea in your mind, it actually and I know you do this with training, right?
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Like you talk about your training for your 80 year old self, which I love that idea.
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It's not about an aesthetic feel here and now it's about I want to self sustain and want to walk around.
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I want to be able to play with my family when I'm 80 90, not be dependent on others.
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So very similarly with your goals and your mindset
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and the way you think you could actually apply that and think about your life today.
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I love this idea.
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When you did this and you were thinking about,
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okay, how do I have better relationships and be that pillar of wisdom and not be fixed in my ways?
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Was there anything you had to really shift
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or unlearn to actually then create space for that 80 year old version of yourself?
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Yeah.
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I had to start focusing on the end result and getting there quickly.
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I think that causes a lot of anxiety, a lot of fears, and the short -term goals are not there for the bigger picture.
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You end up just wanting that win, and the win is not enough.
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And I had to be comfortable with the rejections and the losses and the shifting gear.
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I feel I got very good with rejection now.
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Like I used to not take rejection well at all because I didn't put myself in a position to get rejected.
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You know, I wouldn't apply because I'd be too scared to apply.
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I wouldn't ask because I'd be too scared to ask,
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what if I look dumb and he tells me no. So I think having that long -term goal and always,
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you know, thinking of yourself as small, I mean, this is a very important one.
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Who am I in the bigger scheme of things?
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I'm really a nobody.
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And I know we live in a world where they want to make everybody feel like you're unique and you're special.
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But yeah, you might be unique and special, but you're also like minuscule compared to the bigger things.
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And if every time I look at myself as so small compared to the big problems that people have, the world problems, the political problems,
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the social problems, and then I come in and say, yeah, but my problem, me asking if this guy wants to get on my podcast
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or me checking if I could collaborate with this brand,
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is going to embarrass me so much that I won't even try in the first place. For what?
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Like, it's so small compared to the bigger thing.
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So I think that was a huge thing.
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Like, rejection, park that aside.
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It doesn't matter if you get rejected.
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Work through it, you know, that's just redirection.
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Like they say, it's not like the painful feeling of rejection.
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Yeah, I mean, I would say that's a huge one for me, being able to walk through rejection.
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I think a lot of this comes down, I mean, And I obviously know you a little better than maybe some of the listeners do.
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And so what I can say is that I think a lot of this is your discipline as well.
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And it's discipline in your self -growth.
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So that doesn't mean you wake up every day and do the same thing because I'm very much the same way.
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I wake up every day and I'm wanting to work on myself.
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I know that I don't have all the answers.
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I want to grow and have different experiences.
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So you're open to rejection.
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That's our mindset, right?
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But what do you think a lot of people get wrong when it comes to being disciplined?
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So I think already people hate the word for some reason.
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It feels like it's just...
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heavy, right?
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So you need discipline.
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It feels very heavy.
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What they don't realize is that discipline is not restriction.
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Discipline is freedom.
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If you don't have discipline, then you're going to be a prisoner of your choices and your habits.
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So if you don't have the discipline to train, you're going to be a prisoner of your body when you're older.
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If you don't have the discipline to eat well, you're going to be a prisoner of disease in future.
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If you don't have the discipline to build a business, you will be a prisoner to your finances.
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Or if you're building a brand or like if you don't have the discipline to save money,
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let's say, you will be a prisoner to your finances.
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So the reality is when you do have discipline or structure, let's say, let's use the word structure,
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when you do have structure and a plan that you follow on a day -to -day basis,
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that will lead you to get the things that you want.
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And when you have the things that you want, discipline is long -term freedom.
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You'll have freedom for time if you know how to manage your time with discipline.
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If you don't know how to manage time for discipline, you'll be a prisoner to chaos.
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You won't be able to get things done because you don't know how to manage your time.
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So if you really change the framework of what does discipline really mean?
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Is it restriction or is discipline freedom?
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And the truth is discipline is freedom in the long run.
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Yeah.
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And for me, like discipline just comes down to consistency.
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I think why people think it's this very rigid kind of harsh term is because they think maybe I'm wrong, but this is my assumption.
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It's tied with motivation, which is a very fleeting concept.
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So it's like I'm not motivated every day, so how can I be disciplined?
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What are your thoughts on motivation?
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Wow.
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I could like write a book on this.
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Maybe you should.
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Maybe I should.
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My husband keeps telling me one day I need to see you write a book.
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I'm like, that takes discipline, right?
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So here's a thought on motivation.
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The problem is that everybody's waiting for motivation, right?
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I need to feel motivated to go to the gym.
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I need to feel motivated to start eating healthy.
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And the only thing that's going to motivate you is your progress.
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So if I want to lose weight and I feel stuck in my weight gain and I don't feel good,
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I don't like to look at myself in the mirror, you see this a lot.
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And I'm like, wait, until when I'm motivated, I'll start eating clean.
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The issue is that when you wait for motivation first, which never comes, you can get motivated from one inspirational video.
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You'd get really excited.
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You'd feel fired up on that motivational video.
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But then two hours later, you forget that you watched it.
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motivation is not going to allow you to put one step in front of the other.
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The only thing that allows you to do that is to do the discipline first.
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So you do it first, even when you hate it, even when it's annoying, even when it feels difficult,
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even if your mind is not there, right?
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So you do the discipline first through the crap.
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One week in, two weeks in, you see results and it can be as quick as a week in or two weeks in, in most things.
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I mean, you can have five and still five habits of discipline, like sleep better, you know, drink a lot of water,
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you know, sleep eight hours, drink a lot of water, journal in the morning and have some quiet time,
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prayer time or meditation time for five minutes in the day.
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If you do these things for a week, you will see change.
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And when you see change, and it could completely shift your life in many ways, in your body, when you're dieting or in your training,
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when you're going to the gym, that is what's going to spark up the motivation.
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It's your movement and your progress that sparks the motivation.
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It's not the other way around.
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And most people are waiting for the motivation first and then they'll instill the discipline.
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So they don't move.
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They stay exactly where they are.
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It's always motivation first.
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Sorry.
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It's always discipline first.
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Action.
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That action creates progress.
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That progress says, damn, look at this progress.
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I can keep going.
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And your momentum will continue to create motivation.
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But the problem is that when people see momentum, sometimes they break.
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Okay, I see momentum.
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It's been a month and I haven't ripped now, so great.
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Then they slack off again.
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And what's so much harder than finding motivation is finding momentum.
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So if you find that momentum, don't let it go.
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That's the best advice I can give somebody because the multiple times that I've had strong momentum in posting on social, strong momentum on my podcast,
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strong momentum in my business, strong momentum in the gym or in eating habits,
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and then I get lazy and I slack off to find that momentum again.
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It's tough.
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So when you catch the momentum, don't let it go.
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Yeah.
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And I'd say like in my experience anyway, even when you have that momentum, you're not necessarily motivated that whole time.
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You feel the fire and it's like you're being consistent through it.
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It's almost like you've got a little bit extra energy that supports you through.
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But even still, like when you're, I find I consider myself to be very disciplined and consistent in life in general.
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Like motivation for me is just a bonus.
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That's how I see it.
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Like some days I wake up with more energy.
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If anything, pregnancy has taught me is that, you know, when you have it, capitalize on it.
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When you don't have it, just listen to your body.
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But like it is this fallacy that it's something that will carry you once you have it.
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But I think an even stronger approach is that discipline, consistency, which are the foundation blocks.
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And then if you get a motivated day, that's kind of a bonus.
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That's how I see it.
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I totally agree, actually.
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That's a good point.
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The thing is, discipline exists because you stick with it even if you don't feel like it.
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That's why discipline is there.
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Discipline doesn't care about your feelings.
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and if you realize that, that it's not about, let me see if I feel good about this so that I will perform today.
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You do it anyway.
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You need to park your feelings and you do the thing anyway, because that's going to feed into long -term goals of happy you,
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of 80 -year -old you.
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You do the discipline today to make future you happy.
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You don't do the discipline today to make you happy today.
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It's not a, you know, how do I feel about this today kind of a thing.
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It really has to be what is the long -term plan?
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Who am I making proud?
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Is it 80 -year -old me?
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Is it next year me when I get to launch this business?
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And you do the discipline today to make that person proud.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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100%.
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I want to shift gears a little bit now, and this is something that's come to mind a bit more recently.
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Since maybe the last five or so years, I've had this shift in the way I see myself,
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particularly in my relationship and in the way I do my work.
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I was raised in corporate and so it was this very masculine, I have to fend for myself.
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My parents were divorced.
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So, you know, I sort of grew up thinking I've got to have my own back.
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But when I met my husband, we've got a really beautiful relationship.
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We work hard at it.
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We've built a strong foundation.
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He has taught me, he's given me this space where I can lean more into my feminine
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because I feel safe
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and it's really brought me back to this very traditional way
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of looking at family at relationships at the masculine feminine role now being pregnant more than ever
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I just feel like as as women we have something men don't
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and and the flip of that is men have something we don't.
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And so I was always putting myself in this basket of I need to do everything men can do
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and I want to prove myself and I got my own back.
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But I really do respect the fundamentals of biology and energy in my relationship.
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And I know you feel quite similarly.
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But then at the same time, I'm very grateful I live in a period of history where women do have opportunity
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and we are respected for the things that we create and build.
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And I don't want to ignore that.
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So this is going to be a very open kind of topic, but where I want to start is
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with the knowing
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that we both kind of feel similarly about the way we want to be kind of more traditional
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and female energy in our house, in our families, as mothers, as wives, as friends.
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But then we also kind of have this, let's for lack of a better word, like boss girl attitude.
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how do you find reconciling both do you think
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that there is a synergy in both do you think
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that we're missing out by not picking and choosing and
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when what do you think society is getting wrong with all of this i think like most causes words
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that were put at good use get hijacked things like feminism
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gets hijacked in modern days by the woke culture things like anti -semitic gets hijacked.
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Anyone's anti -Semitic if they just have a disagreement with somebody.
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Racist gets hijacked, right?
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Words that actually had meaning in the past get hijacked with modern interpretation.
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If you look at the stats, actually, in almost every metric, women are beating men now, in almost every metric.
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In education, in schools, there's more women than men.
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In graduates, graduates there are more women than men in corporate jobs in high -end corporate jobs
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if you look at urban culture you have a lot of women
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that have more jobs than men you even see suicide rates
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and depression rates higher in men than in women
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so we also cannot think of us only
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and allow our men to fall behind we are nurturers
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we know how to put a family unit together
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we know how to hold a household we know we're good at
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that and if i look at all my friends around me the women know how to do
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that much more than the men.
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You know, if the minute they travel or they leave the house,
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the men fall apart, like they don't know what to do with the house, right?
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So we are good at that.
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Why are we pretending like we're not?
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Why are we taking away our superpower?
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I don't think it's a matter of...
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we can't do it all.
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I just think it's a matter of we can't do it all, all together.
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This is what it is.
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And one has to, you know, the truth is one, you need to sacrifice one for the other, depending on where you are in your life.
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In my 20s, I could be full on corporate.
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I could work 12, 15 hours, boss, babe, as much as you want.
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But does that mean that I have space
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and room to nurture a family and to have a husband to take care of
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and to take care of my household too?
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No. And you know what?
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It's a terrible deal for us to,
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you know, create feminism or talk about feminism under the umbrella of I can do everything all at once, boss babe.
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That is the worst end of the stick for women.
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How does that help us?
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It's toxic.
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It actually makes, it gives us a terrible end of the deal.
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Like I didn't sign up for this.
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I didn't sign up for someone telling me that you need to have it all together all the time,
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be a boss babe, get paid as much as men in the same industry while you're taking care of your three kids,
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while you're taking care of your husband, while you're handling your household.
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I don't want that pressure.
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The burnout is real.
422
The feeling of not being able to handle doing everything, but having to show that I can handle everything,
423
because that's what boss wave culture is telling us.
424
It's a lot.
425
And I don't want to have to pretend.
426
I don't want to have to fall under that narrative.
427
I want to say that I'm going to try my best to do what I can while I'm not pregnant yet.
428
But when I do get pregnant, something's going to have to take a back seat.
429
So no, it is not, I can do everything.
430
It is, I can do everything maybe, but in different phases of my life, my life comes in seasons.
431
Season one can be fully on me, independent.
432
Season two will be my family comes first.
433
And I don't want to feel like I have to compromise something so beautiful as family unit and partnership,
434
because I want to fall under this hole.
435
I can do it all together.
436
No, you can't do it all together.
437
Something's got to give, It's either your guilt or your burnout or your relationship.
438
The narrative has shifted completely.
439
Yes, there's toxicity everywhere, but it's not all toxic.
440
And women like us know the masculine, the feminine, we know what toxic is.
441
I will never tolerate toxicity in my life and you too.
442
But what is toxicity really?
443
Is everything toxic?
444
Is any time that there's a man in a high position, it's toxic?
445
Any relationship that you got broken up with, that's toxic?
446
No, not everything is toxic.
447
So let's choose our words and let's not hijack all words
448
because when it matters for the people that are actually in toxic relationships, for the people that are actually in, you know, have no voting rights,
449
have no rights as women, they need a voice.
450
We're overshadowing what they're really going through.
451
Then who's going to hear them when, you know, when the girl cries wolf, who is going to listen?
452
They all try to put that under feminism, right?
453
Like as a feminist, we need to protect the women that are sexually abused or whatever.
454
That's not feminism.
455
That is protecting women that are sexually abused.
456
You don't need to be a feminist to fight for that cause.
457
You know, you don't need to put yourself under an ism to fight for a certain cause.
458
Men should be fighting for that cause too.
459
No, we don't want women to be sexually abused, of course.
460
But why do we have to box ourselves in an ideology?
461
Like, okay, this is the ideology that I need to follow.
462
And everything that I think is going to have to fall under this.
463
You can just not box yourself and fight for causes that matter, you know?
464
Yeah, we become very obsessed with labels and titles and having to fit into certain boxes.
465
Because society wants to make you fit in a box.
466
Because if you say something outside of that box, oh, okay, but you don't stand for women.
467
You're not a feminist.
468
You don't stand for women.
469
But that's not at all what it is.
470
You can have your own ideologies and your own mindset of what matters to you as a feminist.
471
And not box yourself under every ideology that the feminist movement has today, especially modern day feminism.
472
You know what I mean?
473
I always used to kind of struggle with that where I would subscribe to some concepts within an ideology, let's say, but not all of them.
474
But it's kind of like as an independent thinker, you can actually piece together bits and pieces that make sense for you.
475
One conversation that was going on in Australia, basically this young guy had this podcast and he was seen as a very toxic,
476
masculine, Andrew Tate -y kind of energy and people lost their minds because, look, I'll say the way he said what he said,
477
he probably has some learnings to go in terms of how he articulates himself.
478
But the core of what he said was, you know, I want to be the kind of man where my woman doesn't have to work
479
if she doesn't want to and she can do whatever she wants
480
and I can come home and I can enjoy her feminine energy because that's such a good balance for mine.
481
And, you know, how he finished that opinion, he went off on a bit of a tangent.
482
But that was the premise.
483
And as a logical person, you can see, that's the premise of what he's saying, right?
484
You don't have to get lost in all the other stuff.
485
But it created this whole conversation in Australia about how toxic
486
that is for women to think that if they're in that – like there's a lot of women in that situation,
487
right, where they're in relationships and they very well
488
and truly may not have to work and their husbands look after them and all of that, but what position does that leave them in financially?
489
as a dependent if something were to go wrong, right?
490
And so this whole conversation around women needing to protect themselves against potential financial abuse and control and all this stuff, which I understand.
491
Yes, but that's different to feminism.
492
Right.
493
Like, you know what I mean?
494
But it also comes down, like it's also made me think of, I mean, I'm not discounting people in that situation by any means,
495
but people then go and hate on the idea of a beautiful harmonious relationship where that could exist, right?
496
It doesn't mean that, I just think it's so important the partner you choose, right?
497
Because I'm fortunate I could stay at home and look after my husband,
498
look after the house, but he is such a champion of the things I'm trying to create
499
and the things I'm trying to build.
500
I just, I don't know, maybe I haven't thought about how to articulate my thoughts with it yet.
501
But I think that when these kinds of issues come up with, oh, you've got to think of the worst case scenario,
502
you've got to think of all the toxic situations, all necessary, all important it takes away from the essence of
503
that actually being a beautiful thing.
504
Do you know what I mean?
505
I know what you mean.
506
Look, it's hard to put into words, but the reality is the world is not perfect.
507
In an ideal world, a man has his head on his shoulders.
508
He knows how to protect and lead and guide and provide for his family for years and years and years to come.
509
He will be faithful.
510
The wife will be faithful.
511
They will know how to work on their relationship.
512
They will work on conversation.
513
They will grow and build together.
514
They will continue to be confrontational and hold each other accountable.
515
Perfect world.
516
But what is the probability of all relationships ending like that?
517
Not everyone is, like we said, self -aware.
518
Not everyone is willing to change and willing to take accountability and willing to build and grow and do better.
519
Not everybody's like that.
520
So yes, as long as we have the option for women to be able to take care of themselves,
521
and this is a huge thing that I promote with my own program.
522
It is how do you take care of your confidence?
523
How do you take care of yourself?
524
How do you build you?
525
And I'm not only speaking to women.
526
It just so happened that most of the people on my program is women, but I speak to individuals because if we have an elevated society,
527
both men and women, the whole society elevates in terms of their choices, their value, their decision -making.
528
They take care of themselves.
529
They love themselves enough to take care of themselves.
530
They trust their own judgment.
531
They have agency.
532
If the whole society has that, then most people will have that self -awareness come to the forefront
533
and they will make better decisions and then the marriages will last longer.
534
But in situations where that doesn't happen and one person puts the effort, the other doesn't, then of course,
535
having something to fall back on is great, which is why I work personally.
536
I like to build and grow and have purpose.
537
And like you said about your husband, my husband, I mean, I'm so lucky that he champions all the things I do.
538
Like he's prouder of me than I am of me.
539
You know, he's always like, you know, Trace, you've got this.
540
Call this person.
541
You've got this.
542
You know, you can do it.
543
When I'm crying and I'm thinking I'm all over the place, he's like, you know, you can do this.
544
Like you've got this.
545
You have to figure out the solution.
546
He doesn't come and try to save me and fix the problem for me.
547
But I like that because it builds my character, you know.
548
So yes, there's the angle of find ways to have purpose in life.
549
I don't think anyone is exempt from finding purpose if you want to be confident and happy in the long run.
550
So if your purpose is through a business, your purpose is through philanthropy, your purpose is through your children.
551
If you live a life of purpose, then I feel like it's,
552
first of all, solves a lot of that problem because you're not just lounging around and lounging around, I think, makes, in general,
553
you less likely to have respect from society.
554
This is a reality.
555
No one, if you don't have new conversation, if you don't personal develop, you don't read new things, you don't update or upgrade yourself,
556
you're not going to have much added value in society.
557
And if your husband gets bored of you or vice versa, your husband does not upgrade himself.
558
He doesn't learn new things.
559
He doesn't self -develop.
560
Philip, you're going to end up looking at him like, okay, he keeps taking the same jokes, talks about the same things over and over again.
561
He never picks up a dumbbell at the gym.
562
It's not attractive not to grow, you know, and that's detrimental for relationships in general.
563
So you have to really think, is it, what am I going to do to be the best version of me?
564
How am I going to make my relationship last the most?
565
You know, and if you're switching roles, like one person's taking over the finances, the other person's taking care of the family,
566
if you're both doing it together and splitting the roles of everything, like me and my husband, as we are today, we split everything.
567
Maybe in due course, I'll say, okay, I'll take kids, you take finances.
568
But if we can today, we live in Dubai and it's expensive,
569
we can both build and grow together because we both have the ambition to, that's fine too.
570
But the idea is not to shame.
571
people for making choices like I'm going to park my career right now because I'm going to raise kids or vice versa.
572
But it doesn't, we live in a day and age where you have the access to investments,
573
to learning, to see how you can make money from home.
574
And if women want to feel protected and make money from home, there's hundreds of ways to do it.
575
You can podcast from home, you can e -commerce business from home.
576
You could do a bunch of things from home
577
that won't entail you feeling forced to go climb the corporate ladder while raising kids, you know, and you protect yourself if,
578
you know, things go wrong in a relationship.
579
Yeah, 100%.
580
I think a lot of this is also like us unlearning what we think we have to be,
581
like that whole concept of having to be everything all the time.
582
Like I do resonate with that.
583
That's again, it was in my conditioning, I think from a protective point of view.
584
Same.
585
But, you know, I very much see my marriage as a team.
586
Like we're creating family together.
587
We're creating experiences together.
588
We're creating life together and that's a beautiful thing um
589
but it's interesting when you think of all this rhetoric all this conversation like
590
if you remove the gender lens from it it applies to everyone like all the things
591
we're talking about about feeling confident who you are about building
592
a safety net about growing as a person like it doesn't
593
have to just apply to women like i remember in our in our previous conversation
594
we were talking about uh getting promotions
595
and how there's there's often time a pressure of we need to have a woman on the board,
596
but it really should just be who's the most fitting person for this role.
597
And so in a very similar way, when we're talking about self -development, self -improvement, any concepts that we've just discussed,
598
how you are in a relationship, that is a genderless conversation, right?
599
It's a genderless argument.
600
And so I think a lot of the things that people get stuck on or fixated on,
601
if we just remove gender and talk about like individual growth and individual people, I think.
602
That's what I was saying before.
603
It just keeps the lens.
604
A hundred percent.
605
That's exactly what I was saying before.
606
If your husband equally doesn't grow anymore, doesn't put the effort in himself,
607
has no interest in self -development and taking care of his body and taking care of his mind,
608
in due course, you are not going to be attracted to him anymore.
609
It is what it is.
610
Equally, if you are not growing and you're not even attracted to yourself anymore, you're complaining, you're hating your life,
611
you're feeling bored, you're feeling anxious with your life.
612
It means you know you're stuck and you're not feeling good in your skin.
613
Why would someone else find you attractive if you don't find you attractive?
614
So I think the bigger goal is, what can I do to feel more attractive to myself?
615
How can I take care of me?
616
How can I self -optimize?
617
And if we all kind of share that goal of, I'm lucky enough to live in a first world country.
618
I'm lucky enough to have access.
619
So many people don't have access.
620
So many people are still in, you know, phase one feminism trying to fight for that.
621
You have the access, you have the capability, you have the education, you have free stuff online, you have free podcasts, you have books,
622
you have multiple things to help you become, you know, the confident, attractive person that you are set out to be.
623
Why not take that chance?
624
Yeah.
625
You know, and it's like you said, it's a genderless goal men
626
and women should go after self -optimization so that we create this society of self -optimized people that make better choices.
627
Men will not feel the need to go for, you know, woman after woman,
628
random night out after random night out when they love themselves and they respect themselves enough, when they feel like they have value.
629
Women will not feel the need to go for the next guy over and over again because they have self -worth.
630
And all that starts with you.
631
It doesn't start with screaming at the top of your lungs, feminism.
632
It doesn't start, start with you, you know, uh, demanding respect, demanding, you know, you, you earn these things and you only earn them silently.
633
This is the beauty of it.
634
There's nothing that someone can say to me that will offend me.
635
Like there's really nothing that, I mean, obviously multiple people went after me after I had Andrew on the podcast and I know exactly why I,
636
I decided to interview him.
637
But when you hear big sentences or big terms that get hijacked, you are this, you know, how can you, you know,
638
uh, interview someone who is a sex trafficker.
639
You allow for women to sex traffic.
640
You don't care about women.
641
And I'm just like, all right, like you, there's no words that you can possibly say
642
that will trigger me because I know what I do in my private time silently, how I vouch for women, how I build, right?
643
Those words are not going to penetrate at all because I know what I do.
644
But if I'm not doing the work, if I'm not really working on myself, working for society, being of service to society,
645
then words will trigger me.
646
They will trigger me hard.
647
So words will stop triggering us if we just know what we're doing.
648
We're silently working on ourselves, you know?
649
Yeah, 100%.
650
Mm -hmm.
651
I think the last thing I'll add and invite your thoughts on is, and I'd be actually really interested,
652
you know, when you go through the process of creating your own family and how that changes.
653
I mean, one thing for me is like I've, up until this point in my life, had to really just worry about myself and my husband.
654
Now I'm creating life and it's impacted my energy naturally, like my body is literally working over time.
655
Right.
656
And so all this stuff, right, building my foundation and my confidence and having my own things and working on my relationship.
657
Like I haven't actually had the energy to do a lot of that to the degree I would like.
658
Why I'm bringing this up is it's kind of, I feel like I've felt the friction of leaning more into my feminine,
659
which is not so much doing and it's not so much ticking things off and achieving.
660
It's actually just being and that's valuable enough in and of itself
661
and letting my husband hold that space
662
and seeing him kind of go on like he's not really affected by the pregnancy physically, right?
663
And it's put us in this, again, like when I think about the traditional,
664
biologically speaking only, frame of men and women where people look at that maybe as that's not fair, it's not equal,
665
but it's put me in this position where I feel like you can easily resist it
666
or you can surrender to it and it's like you said, it's a season, right?
667
I think because of the pressure and a lot of the conversation
668
that goes on about having to be these independent people
669
and working on ourselves and all of
670
that I think I certainly felt like a bit of friction
671
when this period came up I wasn't being productive
672
I was being really critical on myself I wasn't happy with my output
673
that nothing to do with what my husband was thinking about me
674
but just like surrendering into this new season was actually a bit of a difficult transition
675
because I thought in my head that was going to happen
676
when the baby got here
677
but it already started like during pregnancy I already had to start making space
678
and kind of stepping back from the things I wanted
679
because my body was already doing right like I wasn't physically doing stuff
680
I might have been sitting on the couch resting all day
681
but my body was doing stuff
682
so I know this isn't really linked to what we're just talking about
683
but I just think in a world where we're very focused on ourselves
684
and growth and then we're going through something biologically
685
which puts us back into I think why men
686
and women are different
687
and are meant to be together um it's just I feel we don't need to have
688
so much resistance and hate towards that
689
and demonize like you said before going full circle we demonize men a lot in in
690
that movement and the conversation is very much anti them
691
and for us but but there's such a beauty in our differences you know
692
and it's not always that we're a team
693
and doing things together sometimes one is taking the load and And this experience has just sort of taught me that.
694
So I don't know if you had any other thoughts on that.
695
I just wanted to throw that in.
696
I mean, I love that actually.
697
But, you know, there's like you were giving into your biology almost.
698
Like you're giving into what your body is asking of you right now.
699
Yeah, despite cognitively what I'm like, oh, I should be doing just as much.
700
Right.
701
Yeah, but that's the thing.
702
That goes back to what we were saying earlier, that if we were told that you don't need to be boss babe
703
and you can have it all and you could do it all all at once, if they just lay back a little bit,
704
like lay off, stop pressuring me with that, you know, that movement of like, we can do everything.
705
We want to do it all.
706
We want to go back into work after maternity
707
and to be able to do it all and be at the top of the ladder.
708
And sometimes it's hard.
709
And most people, I mean, women after 30, start having the positions I was talking about, like men and women, statistically,
710
we're talking about the UK and the US women have the higher jobs, higher pay in their 20s, but as 30 and above,
711
less, but naturally less because half of them don't want to come back to work.
712
They're getting pregnant.
713
They're doing part -times now.
714
So naturally men can start taking over, but why are we upset about that?
715
Like, why am I upset that I can choose to chill a bit, stay home and allow my husband to feel like,
716
yes, It's your responsibility now to handle us.
717
It's okay.
718
That's not toxic masculinity.
719
That is not putting a heavy load on men.
720
That is actually giving them space to feel like you can lead right now and I'm comfortable with it.
721
What's a heavier load is when they're feeling like they're incompetent versus women, that women now are much pickier naturally because we are well -educated.
722
We want the best of the best when we're graduating men are slacking off
723
because they're being trained
724
and groomed by women only women in schools like most teachers are women now
725
if you look at the stats most of the teachers are women at home they're losing the family unit
726
so men are leaving they don't have men at home they don't have father figures at home you
727
which is why I like the idea of pushing and promoting relationships
728
and love and family unit because it is important for society to have a father in the house.
729
It is not click of the fingers.
730
I don't need no man.
731
And I can just carry on with my life and do it on my own.
732
Work on your relationship.
733
We're not talking about toxicity here, a man beating you up.
734
We're talking about the basics.
735
I'm unhappy.
736
I'm bored.
737
You also made a vow.
738
You also committed for better or for worse.
739
And the idea that you don't respect that vow anymore and you're not working through the difficulty.
740
Yeah, life is tough.
741
Who's to say that life is going to be easy?
742
You know, and if you are aware that it's going to be difficult, there is going to be ups and downs, you will make better choices.
743
You will say, I'm going to, you know, learn how to converse.
744
I'm going to learn how to go back and forth with my husband on this.
745
I'm going to try to make it work.
746
But most of us are just trying to take the high road of like, I could do it on my own.
747
I don't need no man.
748
And I was one of them.
749
When I was younger, in my 20s,
750
I thought I could do everything on my own because that's a narrative that was like in my head all the time.
751
And I was single.
752
I'm like, yeah, yeah, I don't need a man in case I don't find a guy.
753
I don't need a man.
754
If I'm able to, if I end up being by myself for whatever reason, God forbid, if I end up being divorced,
755
I will do everything I can to make it on my own.
756
Yes.
757
But that shouldn't be the default.
758
That should be, now I need to try my best to be on my own.
759
It shouldn't be the default of, I don't need anybody.
760
I could do things on my own.
761
There's a reason why we're in a community.
762
So we could all kind of lean on each other when we can, you know?
763
Yeah, 100%.
764
Well, I think we could probably talk at length for a lot longer.
765
But that's the time we've got for today.
766
But I'd love to, you know, have you on again in 12 months' time and see what things are at.
767
Yeah, yeah.
768
I mean, it's been really nice staying connected, watching your journey, seeing what things you're doing.
769
I really respect you.
770
You're an amplifier for me personally because I think what you do really inspires me.
771
and you're really down to earth and humble and I really love everything you share.
772
So it's always a pleasure chatting with you.
773
Thank you for having me again.
774
I appreciate it.
775
My pleasure.
776
Thank you.
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu konuşma dersi “Most People Get Motivation Completely Wrong!” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 41 cümle ve 9444 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 47:15 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 200 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %86’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında; geri kalanına başlamadan önce bakmakta fayda var. 41 cümlenin 81 tanesi soru; soru tonlaması ve kısa cevaplar için iyi bir alıştırma.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodan öğrenmeye değer 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| discipline isim | /ˈdɪsəplɪn/ | disiplin |
| mindset isim | /ˈmaɪn(d)ˌsɛt/ | düşünce tarzı, zihniyet |
| motivation isim | /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/ | güdü, motivasyon |
| toxic sıfat | /ˈtɒk.sɪk/ | toksik |
| momentum isim | /ˌmə(ʊ)ˈmɛntəm/ | itki, momentum |
| feminism isim | /ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/ | feminizm |
| habit isim | /ˈhæb.ɪt/ | alışkanlık, adet |
| prisoner isim | /ˈpɹɪzənə/ | mahkum, mahpus |
| podcast isim | /ˈpɑdˌkæst/ | podcast |
| wisdom isim | /ˈwɪzdəm/ | bilgelik, hikmet |
| conscious sıfat | /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/ | ayık, uyanık |
| feminist isim | /ˈfɛmənɪst/ | feminist, hatuncu |
| feminine sıfat | /ˈfɛmɪnɪn/ | dişil |
| ideology isim | /aɪ.diˈɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/ | ideoloji |
| masculine sıfat | /ˈmæskjələn/ | eril |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| come down fiil | düşmek | |
| wake up fiil | /ˌweɪk ˈʌp/ | uyanmak |
| fall apart fiil | altüst olmak | |
| figure out fiil | açığa çıkarmak | |
| grow up fiil | büyümek, yetişmek | |
| lay off fiil | işten çıkarmak | |
| miss out fiil | kaçırmak | |
| take away fiil | /ˌteɪk əˈweɪ/ | götürmek |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- How how does that help us?
- How do I make that conscious?
- How do I uh have wisdom?
- How do you reverse engineer that?
- Why are we pretending like we're not?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + fiil — artık geçerli olmayan eski bir alışkanlık ya da durum | used to not · used to kind |
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | we've stayed · haven't seen · what's been |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | being disciplined · are meant · was bullied |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | people who haven · woman who has · people who I |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı don't, you're, I'm gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 314 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: motivation /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, restriction /ɹɪˈstɹɪkʃən/, interpretation /ɪnˌtɜːpɹəˈteɪʃən/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: motivation /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/, momentum /ˌmə(ʊ)ˈmɛntəm/, feminism /ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, ideology /aɪ.diˈɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- /w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: wisdom /ˈwɪzdəm/, awareness /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/, equally /ˈiːkwəli/, wolf /wʊlf/, framework /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: prisoner /ˈpɹɪzənə/, slack /slæk/, pregnancy /ˈpɹɛɡnənsi/, trigger /ˈtɹɪɡɚ/, premise /ˈpɹɛm.ɪs/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: habit /ˈhæb.ɪt/, podcast /ˈpɑdˌkæst/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, masculine /ˈmæskjələn/, slack /slæk/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; discipline, mindset, motivation gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.