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Hello, welcome to the commentary for Long Time Affair.

This is an interesting letter, I think.

So it's talking about basically two people, they're married.

So there's a woman and she's married to somebody,

a man obviously, and then there's a guy and he's also married.

But these two people are having an affair with each other.

And an affair is a relationship outside of a marriage marriage.

So if you have a girlfriend who's not your wife,

that relationship is called an affair.

Now we're saying with a woman or a man.

So they're having an affair.

It's been happening for a while.

So it's not a short thing.

It's a long-term thing.

And they love each other very, very deeply.

Unconditional love, they describe it.

Our roots are intertwined.

So their deep feelings are intertwined together.

But they're in their 50s,

so they're older, and they don't want to leave their families.

Maybe they have children, probably adult children,

and they don't want to destroy their families.

So this is kind of an interesting situation.

And I used this in my class here in San Francisco.

There was a very interesting discussion about this article,

and I think there were a lot of different opinions, actually.

I was a little surprised.

So some people thought, you know, oh, it's terrible.

They must end the affair and they're doing a very, very bad thing.

And that was kind of,

I would say that would be the normal American reaction,

the normal American opinion.

However, most of the students did not have that opinion.

And most of my students are Asian,

Japanese and Korean and Thai,

and most of them actually had very different ideas.

I would say about half of them said they should continue doing what they're doing,

but continue to be secret.

So they said, continue the affair because they love each other very much,

but they also love their families and don't want to hurt their families.

So they said, These students said,

just continue doing what you are doing,

but keep it a secret so you don't hurt your families.

So just continue going.

And they thought that this is not so terrible because these people love each other very, very much.

And it's not horrible.

They're not bad people.

So that was another opinion.

And then a final opinion was that they should get a divorce.

Each of them should divorce their families,

their spouses, and they should marry each other.

So they should stop this affair because they obviously love each other so much.

Maybe they don't have the same feeling for their wife or husband.

They should get divorced, each of them,

and then marry each other.

And that was the third opinion.

And those two opinions, those last two,

continue or get divorced, were definitely the most popular opinions in my class.

A little surprising to me.

And it showed me something that,

you know, this idea is very cultural.

The idea of having affairs and the idea of what is good or bad in marriage has differences in different cultures.

Not that anybody thinks, you know, encourages affairs.

Nobody was saying, oh, affairs are good.

Every husband and wife should have an affair.

Nobody said that.

But there were different attitudes about,

is it terrible a little bit?

Is it terrible, really, really horrible, bad?

Is it not so bad?

And that was very different.

Each individual had different opinions about that and I could see different cultural ideas about that too.

A little bit later, maybe a couple weeks later,

I was in the bookstore here in San Francisco down at Union Square downtown and I saw a book about this subject,

this exact subject, the cultural ideas,

cultural opinions about having affairs in marriage.

And I didn't read the whole book.

I didn't want to buy it.

I just kind of skimmed it.

I read it quickly.

I read the summary and I skimmed through it quickly.

But it had the basic idea that it's true,

that every country has different rules,

different opinions about affairs, whether they are really,

really bad or a little bad or if they're okay as long as they're secret.

There are many different opinions.

It talked about how in Japan there are different opinions,

that it's not horrible, but that it can be common among some men.

And how other places, you know,

they have the idea if the man pays for sex with a prostitute,

then it's not cheating, it's not an affair,

because there's no emotional involvement.

And so some cultures think,

oh, that's not so bad.

And other cultures think, oh,

it's pretty normal for couples to have an affair with somebody else,

but they should be very kind of secretive about it.

They shouldn't let everybody know, and it's not terrible.

And then it talked about in this book how America actually is quite different from much of the world because in America,

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the opinions are very strong that affairs are horrible, terrible, almost evil.

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And this is stronger than in most places in the world.

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You know, many people have this idea,

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but in America this idea is very,

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very, very strong, stronger than in other countries.

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That was interesting to me because when I chose this letter for my class,

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I thought everybody would agree,

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oh, this is bad, they should end it immediately, they're really bad people.

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Because I'm thinking like an American,

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I'm thinking that's what most Americans would say.

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But in fact, it's not what most of my students said, not at all.

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In fact, I think maybe only one student said something like that,

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and all the other ones were less judgmental, less strong about it.

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So interesting, very interesting.

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It shows again how culture can influence our ideas about this quite a bit, about many things.

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Very basic things, such as relationships,

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are affected by culture, and often it's in a subtle way.

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It's not obvious sometimes.

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It's a little more deep,

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those differences, but those differences are there.

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And learning to communicate effectively is important so we can understand those differences.

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And I don't think in these kind of cases,

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these kinds of situations, there's no right or wrong answer.

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God didn't write something down and we all must follow it.

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I think that every culture has reasons for their beliefs,

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and there are good and bad points to those cultural beliefs.

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And, you know, I'm very much like this idea of not holding on to opinions too strongly,

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because, you know, we never really know.

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We can't ever really be sure about things.

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So it's always good to remember,

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even if we have a strong opinion,

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it's good to remember that it's just an opinion.

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And maybe it's good for us,

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but maybe other people in other situations,

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in other cultures, in other places,

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with other circumstances, maybe our opinion is not good for them.

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And it's always good to remember that.

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I try to remember that.

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I have strong opinions about things,

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certainly about education and teaching and about many things.

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And sometimes they're too strong.

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And I have to remind myself,

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you know AJ it's just an opinion it's not right it's

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not 100% correct some God in heaven did not give you

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this opinion it's just your opinion it's good for me it's good for my experiences

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but in the end finally it's only an opinion and it's not good for everybody.

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Alright, another issue about this letter,

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this long time affair situation,

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is the issue of a double standard.

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And this is something we also talked about in my class and something that I feel very strongly about.

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What's a double standard?

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We've had that phrase before.

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A double standard is a rule that is different for different people.

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For example, a rule that is different for women than it is for men.

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And we see this double standard everywhere in the world about having affairs.

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I'm sure you know, and I'm sure you will agree,

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that in most countries, if a man has an affair,

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it's less serious than if a woman has an affair, right?

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So a man is married,

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and he has sex with another woman.

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Maybe he pays a prostitute,

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Maybe he has a girlfriend.

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And, you know, in different countries,

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we might think different things about this.

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But we might think this is bad.

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But in most countries, I want to say all countries,

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almost all countries, most people will still have a little bit of an attitude,

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oh, that's normal for men.

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It's not so terrible.

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He's a man.

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But if we change the situation,

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we have a woman, a wife,

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she's married, she has an affair,

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she pays a man to have sex,

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or she has a boyfriend.

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In most cultures, almost all,

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we will judge the woman much worse.

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She's terrible.

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She's a prostitute.

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She's a slut.

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She's horrible.

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Right?

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It's much worse, much more negative for the woman than for the man.

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that is a double standard.

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I think it's wrong.

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I think it's 100% wrong that,

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you know, the woman, if she does something, she's terrible, horrible.

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Everybody criticizes her and says she's a bad person.

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But if a man does the same thing, oh, it's okay.

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It's not so bad.

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It's normal.

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Or it's a little bad, but it's not terrible.

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And that is a clear double standard we see that in almost every country I know of.

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In my class discussion, everybody agreed in their own country,

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this was a double standard.

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In Thailand, if a man has an affair,

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it's less serious than if a woman does.

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In Japan, same situation.

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In America, same.

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I don't know about Europe.

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My guess is probably same.

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And that's not good.

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It shows that, to be honest,

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women are still not equal.

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You're getting closer, especially in some countries.

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In the United States, women are getting much closer to being equal.

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In Europe, I'm sure.

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In Japan and in many countries.

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But there's still a lot of work to do.

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There's still so many double standards about women where the woman is treated more badly or she's judged more harshly,

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more severely, she's judged in a more negative way than a man for the exact same situation.

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And of course we see this in working too,

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that women are getting more jobs,

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they're getting better and better jobs in the United States.

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But still, if you look at the top,

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the top of the company,

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the president, the CEO, the very top officers, they're still mostly men.

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If you look at the American government,

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the senators, the congress people,

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the president, of course, guess what?

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Mostly men still.

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So we still have this double standard.

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But in politics, in business, in culture, everywhere.

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So there's still a lot of work to do.

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I think it's work that women have to do.

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But I think men also have to realize this.

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and they have to understand it and they need to help change it because it's something that affects them as well.

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You know, if you have a daughter,

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if you have a girlfriend,

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do you really want her to be treated badly?

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Do you really want her to have a double standard?

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I don't, and I hope you don't either.

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So it's a big issue,

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this idea of double standard,

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and I think that we see the double standard issue most strongly about sex when it comes to sex.

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Sexual relationships.

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That's where women really get treated badly and they get judged differently and much more negative.

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A man has sex with many women.

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Oh, he's cool.

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A woman has sex with many men.

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Oh, she's a slut.

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She's terrible.

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Same situation.

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The woman is treated very negatively, very badly.

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The man is almost admired, almost complimented.

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It's wrong.

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It's terrible.

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and about affairs as we just discussed same thing a man has an affair oh it's not

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so bad a woman has an affair terrible terrible terrible

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so this is a double standard

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that in the area of sex even I think we see

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this a lot with even enjoying sex men are taught to enjoy sex

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if a man really likes sex a lot it's great

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and he's very passionate then that scene is wonderful he's a passionate man

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But if a woman really enjoys sex and she's very passionate and very direct about it,

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then she gets criticized a lot.

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Sometimes she's criticized.

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And so we see a lot of women who are afraid to enjoy sex or afraid to say they enjoy sex.

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They're afraid people will criticize them.

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Another double standard that we see with women,

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especially in this area of sexual relationships.

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So anyway, those are the two big issues I wanted to talk about.

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one being the double standard that we see with women and men in most cultures, most societies.

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And then the second thing was just the cultural differences from country to country,

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region to region, about this idea of having affairs.

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How bad is it?

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Well, that depends on where you're from.

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It probably depends on your age.

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Many different things.

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All right.

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Well, very interesting topic this time.

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Hope you enjoyed it.

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Remember, please help us out.

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Go to Delicious.

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Right?

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Go to Delicious and register.

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And then please go to effortlessenglish.com and .org and tag us.

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You go to our website and then you click the tag button that you downloaded after you registered.

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And registering with Delicious is free.

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And it really helps our club.

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It helps us a lot.

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It will help us get new members,

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recruit new members, without spending money for advertising.

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It helps me keep the price low,

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low, low so everyone can do it.

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If necessary, in the future, I will advertise.

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I will do more Google ads.

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I will be more aggressive about marketing and trying to get more members because I want more members,

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it gives more energy to the club, right?

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More people participating.

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It's more fun.

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So I will do that in the future

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if necessary hope it's not necessary because if I have to do that I will have to raise the price.

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Go to Delicious, register, and then tag our websites.

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All right, I'll see you next time.

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Hope you enjoyed it.

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Bye-bye.

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