Pratique du Shadowing: Live For Yourself, Not For Others - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
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This episode is presented to you in the form of an audiobook.
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Every problem you face in life has one simple cause.
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You care too much about what others think of you.
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This concern for others' opinions is the root of your unhappiness.
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Today we're diving into the book,
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The Courage to be Disliked,
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co-written by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga.
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For both, internal worry is always linked to the outside world.
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They explain, there is no such thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual.
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So-called internal worry does not exist.
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Whatever the worry that may arise,
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the shadows of other people are always present.
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Kashimi and Koga argue that all of life's problems can be easily solved,
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and that life only seems complex because we make it so.
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According to them, the only thing you need to find happiness is the courage to be disliked.
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They explain that one must not fear being disliked.
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Freedom is being disliked by others.
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It's not that you lack competence, you simply lack courage.
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They also explain that the courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.
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When you have gained that courage,
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your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.
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In this episode, we'll explore the key teachings from the book,
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including the psychology of unhappiness.
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why seeking external approval is a dead end,
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and the author's advice on how to live a truly happy life.
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Kashimi and Koga's worldview is based on the belief that everyone,
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no matter their past, has the potential to be happy.
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The main difference between happy and unhappy people is their willingness to change.
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The book draws on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler.
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Adler believed that the self is a unified whole.
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Our body, mind, emotions, and both conscious and unconscious thoughts all work together toward a common goal.
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According to Adler, everything we think,
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do, or feel is directed toward achieving that goal,
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even if we're not fully aware of it.
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In Adler's view, goals don't just affect our happiness.
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They shape who we are.
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This perspective suggests that the goals we set drive our sense of self.
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Kashimi and Koga expand on this.
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They explain that Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality traits,
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but looks at people through the lens of their lifestyle.
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For Adler, your habits, emotions,
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and thoughts make up a lifestyle you chose at some point
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and continue to choose because you believe it's the best way to reach a goal.
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For example, Kashimi and Koga would argue that there's no such thing as a truly antisocial person.
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Instead, they see antisocial behavior as a choice,
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a way of pursuing certain goals.
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Kashimi and Koga take this idea further by suggesting that the goals we set not only influence our actions,
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but also shape our emotions.
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First, you decide what you want,
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and then you create the emotions that will help you achieve it.
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For example, imagine someone wants a job,
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but becomes so anxious about the interview that they can't prepare or even attend.
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They think that if their anxiety went away,
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they'd have a better chance at getting the job.
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However, Kashimi and Koga would argue that the person's true goal is to avoid the interview,
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so they create the emotion of fear.
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The person doesn't really want the job.
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Their true goal is to simply avoid the risk of failing the interview,
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and fear helps them to that.
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Kashimi and Koga also address the argument that past trauma can stop people from finding happiness.
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they counter by saying that not everyone who experiences trauma is stuck in it for example
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while negative childhood experiences may influence your goals they would argue
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that it's still up to you to decide what goals to pursue
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and how to live to achieve them in the book they write
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that no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure.
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We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences,
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the so-called trauma, but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
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We are not determined by our experiences,
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but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
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They also explain that no matter what has occurred in your life up to this point,
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it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.
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that you, living in the here and now,
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are the one who determines your own life.
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So if happiness is within our control,
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why would anyone choose unhappiness?
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Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness is actually a strategy some people use to reach their goals.
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As we've explained, the authors believe that the goals we set influence our emotions.
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They argue that occasional unhappiness is normal because everyone feels disappointed or frustrated at times.
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However, those who are always unhappy are often driven by one constant frustrating goal.
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And this frustrating goal is related to their relationships with others.
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This is an important point because Kishimi and Koga suggest
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that your overall happiness depends on the goals you set for your relationships.
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In other words, what are you trying to achieve in your connections with others?
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The answer to that question shapes how happy you are.
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So, your emotions and sense of self are shaped by the goals you set.
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and the goal that most affects your overall happiness is the one you set for your relationships with others.
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Kashimi and Koga explain that there are two main goals when interacting with others,
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seeking their approval or aiming to make a positive impact in their lives.
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Kashimi and Koga argue that unhappy people often make gaining approval from others their main goal.
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Unhappy people believe that true happiness comes from being seen as good by others.
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Whether this approval comes from a teacher,
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parent, or society, it always leads to the same result, unhappiness.
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Essentially, unhappy people believe that being liked by others makes them a good person.
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Many would argue that the desire for approval and seeking validation is a natural part of being human.
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However, Kashimi and Koga explain that this is a mistaken view.
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They explain that humans don't seek approval to find happiness.
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We find happiness in approval because it satisfies a deeper need within us.
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So why is it that people seek recognition from others?
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For Kashimi and Koga, in many cases it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education.
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Kashimi and Koga point out that even when unhappy people manage to gain the approval of others,
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it comes with a heavy price.
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In their pursuit of validation,
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they end up living according to someone else's expectations.
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In doing so, they end up sacrificing their freedom and ultimately their happiness in the process.
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They explain, to live one's life trying to gauge other people's feelings and being worried about how they look at you,
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to live in such a way that others' wishes are granted.
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There may indeed be signposts to guide you this way,
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but it is a very unfree way to live.
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Now, why are you choosing such an unfree way to live?
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You are using the term desire for recognition,
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but what you are really saying is that you don't want to be disliked by anyone.
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Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments,
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has no fear of being disliked by other people,
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and pays the cost that one might never be recognized,
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one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living.
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That is to say, one will not be able to be free.
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Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as good,
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and the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person's yardstick.
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If receiving praise is what one is after,
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one will have no choice but to adapt to that person's yardstick and put the brakes on one's own freedom.
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So we've established how seeking approval from others is ultimately unfulfilling,
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but this isn't the worst result of making it your main goal.
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Kashimi and Koga argue that the real problem is that this goal is often impossible to achieve.
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Most of the time, approval depends on meeting others' expectations.
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This means that whether or not people approve of you is out of your control.
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And sometimes, no matter what you do,
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you will not be able to make someone like you.
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Kashimi and Koga explain that when earning approval becomes impossible,
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unhappy people often react by setting a new goal.
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Instead of continuing to chase something impossible,
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they choose to stop trying altogether.
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They give up on trying to gain others' approval.
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In doing so, they create negative emotions like fear and self-hatred to justify their decision not to try.
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However, as Kashimi and Koga explain,
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these people are still letting their lives be controlled by the unattainable goal of approval.
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By giving up, they don't truly let go of this desire.
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They only make their emotional attachment to it stronger.
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This deepens their unhappiness as they continue to feel the pain of failing to reach something they've basically given up on.
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The second goal they adopt is convincing themselves that something about them is flawed,
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which makes it impossible for others to like them.
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By holding onto this limiting belief,
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unhappy people avoid the risk of not gaining approval from others
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because they can simply justify it by saying they are flawed or that something is wrong about them.
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However, this keeps them trapped in a hopeless,
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miserable life as they now believe they don't have the power to change whatever they think is flawed.
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Additionally, Kashimi and Koga explain that the need for external approval doesn't just impact unhappy people's self-esteem,
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it also prevents them from forming healthy relationships.
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The main reason for this is because unhappy people often view life as a competition.
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They see others as rivals.
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In other words, if someone else succeeds,
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it means they have failed.
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This happens because approval is often conditional.
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It depends on actions.
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Some people may like you for being funny,
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others for being generous, and some for your career achievements.
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These are tough standards to meet,
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and no one can do them all perfectly.
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So naturally, someone else may earn approval better than you.
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When others succeed, they raise the expectations,
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making it harder for you to gain the same approval.
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Kashimi and Koga explain that seeking external approval is a zero-sum game.
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The more someone else succeeds,
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the worse you appear by comparison.
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In other words, pursuing approval from others turns life into a competition with winners and losers.
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This leads unhappy people to fear the success of others,
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And it may even cause them to celebrate their failures rather than offering them support.
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And this behavior is what prevents them from forming healthy relationships.
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Kashimi and Koga explain that once one is released from the scheme of competition,
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the need to triumph over someone disappears.
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The second reason why seeking approval harms relationships is because unhappy people believe relationships are founded on sacrifice.
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An unhappy person's need for approval can also damage their relationships by making them feel entitled.
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Kashimi and Koga argue that because unhappy people spend their lives trying to meet others' expectations,
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they become resentful when others,
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especially those close to them,
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don't meet their expectations in return.
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The authors explain that an unhappy person feels wronged when they do something nice for someone
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and don't receive the gratitude or appreciation they expected.
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For example, imagine someone throws a surprise birthday party for a friend,
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only to be offended when the friend doesn't do the same for them.
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In this case, the person organizing the party is really just using the friend to get something in return.
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If the friend feels pressured to reciprocate but doesn't want to,
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then that's when resentment begins.
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Now that we've covered how seeking external approval can negatively impact your life and relationships,
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let's examine the alternative and look at Kashimi and Koga's advice for living a happier life.
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Kashimi and Koga suggest that instead of seeking approval,
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happy people focus on helping others.
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They find true joy in contributing to the wellbeing of those around them.
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For them, happiness comes from genuinely believing that they are useful to someone.
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Kashimi and Koga argue that as long as happy people believe they are helping others,
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they don't worry about what others think of them.
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They argue that you must decide for yourself what being useful means.
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Once you figure out what's truly meaningful for your life,
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anything else will feel like a waste of time.
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Even if you meet others' expectations but don't feel useful,
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then you won't find happiness.
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They explain that if one really has a feeling of contribution,
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one will no longer have any need for recognition from others
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because one will already have the real awareness that I am of use to someone
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without needing to go out of one's way to be acknowledged by others.
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In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition
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does not have any community feeling yet and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance,
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confidence in others or contribution to others.
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For happy people, helping others isn't a selfless sacrifice.
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It's something they do mainly for their own benefit.
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While this might sound selfish,
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Kashimi and Koga argue that it's perfectly fine if your purpose in life is to make yourself happy,
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since helping others brings them fulfillment.
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Happy people are able to serve without expecting anything in return.
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Additionally, according to the authors,
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the desire to help because it makes you happy
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is a much stronger motivator than doing so simply because it's the right thing to do.
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That is because pursuing self-sacrifice to be seen as a good person is just another form of seeking approval.
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Kashimi and Koga also argue that anyone can find happiness by realizing that just by existing,
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they bring joy to others.
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Humans naturally care about each other,
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and simply being around others can be fulfilling without needing to do anything extraordinary.
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Building on this idea, happy people believe that all humans have value,
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even if they haven't done anything good with their lives.
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Because of this belief, they can accept themselves fully.
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Even if they've made mistakes or aren't as well adjusted as others,
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they understand that their presence is valuable to those around them.
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This makes them feel good about themselves, despite their imperfections.
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While Kashimi and Koga acknowledge that some people do more good than others,
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They point out that unlike unhappy people who may see the success of others as a threat,
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happy people celebrate it.
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Since happy people believe that everyone can make others happy just by being there,
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they see no need to view life as a competition.
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The success of others cannot diminish their own worth as human beings.
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Finally, happy people focus on the present moment,
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enjoying life as it comes.
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Kishimi and Koga believe that we all have the ability to choose happiness at any given moment.
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Kashimi and Koga explain that many people think they need to achieve something big to be happy,
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but that's not true.
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Anyone can find happiness by simply recognizing the positive impact they have on others.
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They clarify that this doesn't mean you should stop working toward future goals.
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Instead, you should find meaning and joy in the journey toward those goals.
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That way, if your life ended suddenly,
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you wouldn't feel like it was wasted.
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The key takeaway from this book is that no matter what you do,
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it's inevitable that some people won't like you.
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Therefore, the only way to find lasting happiness is to accept this reality
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and have the courage to live a life you believe is good,
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regardless of other people's opinions.
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This is why it's crucial to let go of the need for approval and develop the courage to be disliked.
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Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette leçon d’expression orale de niveau C1 s’appuie sur la vidéo « Live For Yourself, Not For Others ». Les mots qui reviennent le plus souvent : Koga, goal, Kashimi, approval, explain. Cette vidéo contient 244 phrases et 2688 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 16:12. Le locuteur parle à un rythme naturel d’environ 166 mots par minute, proche d’une conversation courante. 85 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais ; le reste mérite d’être vu avant de commencer.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
Les 15 mots les plus avancés de la vidéo, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| unhappy adjectif | /ʌnˈhæpi/ | malheureux, triste |
| dislike verbe | /dɪsˈlaɪk/ | ne pas aimer |
| unhappiness nom | tristesse, malheur | |
| expectation nom | /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/ | attente |
| frustrate verbe | /ˈfɹʌsˌtɹeɪt/ | frustrer |
| flawed adjectif | /flɔːd/ | déficient, incorrect |
| antisocial adjectif | /ˌæntiˈsəʊʃəl/ | antisocial |
| yardstick nom | /ˈjɑɹdˌstɪk/ | aune, mètre étalon |
| validation nom | /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/ | validation |
| psychologist nom | /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/ | psychologue |
| audiobook nom | /ˈɔdi.oʊbʊk/ | livre audio, livre sonore |
| deepen verbe | /ˈdiːpən/ | approfondir |
| diminish verbe | /dɪˈmɪnɪʃ/ | réduire |
| fulfilment nom | /fʊlˈfɪl.mənt/ | accomplissement |
| interpersonal adjectif | interpersonnel |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| end up verbe | se terminer, se finir | |
| point out verbe | pointer | |
| figure out verbe | cerner | |
| give up verbe | se rendre | |
| go away verbe | partir, s'en aller | |
| make up verbe | /ˌmeɪk ˈʌp/ | constituer, composer |
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | have gained · has occurred · we've explained |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | is presented · is always linked · is completely defined |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | everyone who experiences · one who determines · those who are |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 32 contractions et formes réduites, comme don't, doesn't, we've. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, antisocial /ˌæntiˈsəʊʃəl/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, diminish /dɪˈmɪnɪʃ/, imperfection /ɪmpɚˈfɛkʃən/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, antisocial /ˌæntiˈsəʊʃəl/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, audiobook /ˈɔdi.oʊbʊk/
Les sons difficiles pour les francophones :
- /h/ — il se souffle, il n’est pas muet: unhappy /ʌnˈhæpi/, hopeless /ˈhoʊplɪs/, hatred /ˈheɪtɹɪd/
- /tʃ/ et /dʒ/ — à ne pas adoucir en « ch » et « j »: psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, attachment /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/, gauge /ˈɡeɪd͡ʒ/, adjust /əˈd͡ʒʌst/
- /r/ anglais — langue recourbée, sans frotter la gorge: frustrate /ˈfɹʌsˌtɹeɪt/, yardstick /ˈjɑɹdˌstɪk/, reciprocate /ɹɪˈsɪpɹəˌkeɪt/, resentful /ɹɪˈzɛntfəl/, resentment /ɹɪˈzɛnt.mənt/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Commencez à la vitesse 0,75×, répétez phrase par phrase, puis revenez à la vitesse normale quand cela devient facile.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme unhappy, dislike, unhappiness.
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.