Shadowing Practice: Live For Yourself, Not For Others - Learn English Speaking with YouTube
C1
This episode is presented to you in the form of an audiobook.
244 sentences
If sentences are too short or too long, click Edit to adjust them.
1
This episode is presented to you in the form of an audiobook.
2
Every problem you face in life has one simple cause.
3
You care too much about what others think of you.
4
This concern for others' opinions is the root of your unhappiness.
5
Today we're diving into the book,
6
The Courage to be Disliked,
7
co-written by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga.
8
For both, internal worry is always linked to the outside world.
9
They explain, there is no such thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual.
10
So-called internal worry does not exist.
11
Whatever the worry that may arise,
12
the shadows of other people are always present.
13
Kashimi and Koga argue that all of life's problems can be easily solved,
14
and that life only seems complex because we make it so.
15
According to them, the only thing you need to find happiness is the courage to be disliked.
16
They explain that one must not fear being disliked.
17
Freedom is being disliked by others.
18
It's not that you lack competence, you simply lack courage.
19
They also explain that the courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.
20
When you have gained that courage,
21
your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.
22
In this episode, we'll explore the key teachings from the book,
23
including the psychology of unhappiness.
24
why seeking external approval is a dead end,
25
and the author's advice on how to live a truly happy life.
26
Kashimi and Koga's worldview is based on the belief that everyone,
27
no matter their past, has the potential to be happy.
28
The main difference between happy and unhappy people is their willingness to change.
29
The book draws on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler.
30
Adler believed that the self is a unified whole.
31
Our body, mind, emotions, and both conscious and unconscious thoughts all work together toward a common goal.
32
According to Adler, everything we think,
33
do, or feel is directed toward achieving that goal,
34
even if we're not fully aware of it.
35
In Adler's view, goals don't just affect our happiness.
36
They shape who we are.
37
This perspective suggests that the goals we set drive our sense of self.
38
Kashimi and Koga expand on this.
39
They explain that Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality traits,
40
but looks at people through the lens of their lifestyle.
41
For Adler, your habits, emotions,
42
and thoughts make up a lifestyle you chose at some point
43
and continue to choose because you believe it's the best way to reach a goal.
44
For example, Kashimi and Koga would argue that there's no such thing as a truly antisocial person.
45
Instead, they see antisocial behavior as a choice,
46
a way of pursuing certain goals.
47
Kashimi and Koga take this idea further by suggesting that the goals we set not only influence our actions,
48
but also shape our emotions.
49
First, you decide what you want,
50
and then you create the emotions that will help you achieve it.
51
For example, imagine someone wants a job,
52
but becomes so anxious about the interview that they can't prepare or even attend.
53
They think that if their anxiety went away,
54
they'd have a better chance at getting the job.
55
However, Kashimi and Koga would argue that the person's true goal is to avoid the interview,
56
so they create the emotion of fear.
57
The person doesn't really want the job.
58
Their true goal is to simply avoid the risk of failing the interview,
59
and fear helps them to that.
60
Kashimi and Koga also address the argument that past trauma can stop people from finding happiness.
61
they counter by saying that not everyone who experiences trauma is stuck in it for example
62
while negative childhood experiences may influence your goals they would argue
63
that it's still up to you to decide what goals to pursue
64
and how to live to achieve them in the book they write
65
that no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure.
66
We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences,
67
the so-called trauma, but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
68
We are not determined by our experiences,
69
but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
70
They also explain that no matter what has occurred in your life up to this point,
71
it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.
72
that you, living in the here and now,
73
are the one who determines your own life.
74
So if happiness is within our control,
75
why would anyone choose unhappiness?
76
Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness is actually a strategy some people use to reach their goals.
77
As we've explained, the authors believe that the goals we set influence our emotions.
78
They argue that occasional unhappiness is normal because everyone feels disappointed or frustrated at times.
79
However, those who are always unhappy are often driven by one constant frustrating goal.
80
And this frustrating goal is related to their relationships with others.
81
This is an important point because Kishimi and Koga suggest
82
that your overall happiness depends on the goals you set for your relationships.
83
In other words, what are you trying to achieve in your connections with others?
84
The answer to that question shapes how happy you are.
85
So, your emotions and sense of self are shaped by the goals you set.
86
and the goal that most affects your overall happiness is the one you set for your relationships with others.
87
Kashimi and Koga explain that there are two main goals when interacting with others,
88
seeking their approval or aiming to make a positive impact in their lives.
89
Kashimi and Koga argue that unhappy people often make gaining approval from others their main goal.
90
Unhappy people believe that true happiness comes from being seen as good by others.
91
Whether this approval comes from a teacher,
92
parent, or society, it always leads to the same result, unhappiness.
93
Essentially, unhappy people believe that being liked by others makes them a good person.
94
Many would argue that the desire for approval and seeking validation is a natural part of being human.
95
However, Kashimi and Koga explain that this is a mistaken view.
96
They explain that humans don't seek approval to find happiness.
97
We find happiness in approval because it satisfies a deeper need within us.
98
So why is it that people seek recognition from others?
99
For Kashimi and Koga, in many cases it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education.
100
Kashimi and Koga point out that even when unhappy people manage to gain the approval of others,
101
it comes with a heavy price.
102
In their pursuit of validation,
103
they end up living according to someone else's expectations.
104
In doing so, they end up sacrificing their freedom and ultimately their happiness in the process.
105
They explain, to live one's life trying to gauge other people's feelings and being worried about how they look at you,
106
to live in such a way that others' wishes are granted.
107
There may indeed be signposts to guide you this way,
108
but it is a very unfree way to live.
109
Now, why are you choosing such an unfree way to live?
110
You are using the term desire for recognition,
111
but what you are really saying is that you don't want to be disliked by anyone.
112
Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments,
113
has no fear of being disliked by other people,
114
and pays the cost that one might never be recognized,
115
one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living.
116
That is to say, one will not be able to be free.
117
Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as good,
118
and the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person's yardstick.
119
If receiving praise is what one is after,
120
one will have no choice but to adapt to that person's yardstick and put the brakes on one's own freedom.
121
So we've established how seeking approval from others is ultimately unfulfilling,
122
but this isn't the worst result of making it your main goal.
123
Kashimi and Koga argue that the real problem is that this goal is often impossible to achieve.
124
Most of the time, approval depends on meeting others' expectations.
125
This means that whether or not people approve of you is out of your control.
126
And sometimes, no matter what you do,
127
you will not be able to make someone like you.
128
Kashimi and Koga explain that when earning approval becomes impossible,
129
unhappy people often react by setting a new goal.
130
Instead of continuing to chase something impossible,
131
they choose to stop trying altogether.
132
They give up on trying to gain others' approval.
133
In doing so, they create negative emotions like fear and self-hatred to justify their decision not to try.
134
However, as Kashimi and Koga explain,
135
these people are still letting their lives be controlled by the unattainable goal of approval.
136
By giving up, they don't truly let go of this desire.
137
They only make their emotional attachment to it stronger.
138
This deepens their unhappiness as they continue to feel the pain of failing to reach something they've basically given up on.
139
The second goal they adopt is convincing themselves that something about them is flawed,
140
which makes it impossible for others to like them.
141
By holding onto this limiting belief,
142
unhappy people avoid the risk of not gaining approval from others
143
because they can simply justify it by saying they are flawed or that something is wrong about them.
144
However, this keeps them trapped in a hopeless,
145
miserable life as they now believe they don't have the power to change whatever they think is flawed.
146
Additionally, Kashimi and Koga explain that the need for external approval doesn't just impact unhappy people's self-esteem,
147
it also prevents them from forming healthy relationships.
148
The main reason for this is because unhappy people often view life as a competition.
149
They see others as rivals.
150
In other words, if someone else succeeds,
151
it means they have failed.
152
This happens because approval is often conditional.
153
It depends on actions.
154
Some people may like you for being funny,
155
others for being generous, and some for your career achievements.
156
These are tough standards to meet,
157
and no one can do them all perfectly.
158
So naturally, someone else may earn approval better than you.
159
When others succeed, they raise the expectations,
160
making it harder for you to gain the same approval.
161
Kashimi and Koga explain that seeking external approval is a zero-sum game.
162
The more someone else succeeds,
163
the worse you appear by comparison.
164
In other words, pursuing approval from others turns life into a competition with winners and losers.
165
This leads unhappy people to fear the success of others,
166
And it may even cause them to celebrate their failures rather than offering them support.
167
And this behavior is what prevents them from forming healthy relationships.
168
Kashimi and Koga explain that once one is released from the scheme of competition,
169
the need to triumph over someone disappears.
170
The second reason why seeking approval harms relationships is because unhappy people believe relationships are founded on sacrifice.
171
An unhappy person's need for approval can also damage their relationships by making them feel entitled.
172
Kashimi and Koga argue that because unhappy people spend their lives trying to meet others' expectations,
173
they become resentful when others,
174
especially those close to them,
175
don't meet their expectations in return.
176
The authors explain that an unhappy person feels wronged when they do something nice for someone
177
and don't receive the gratitude or appreciation they expected.
178
For example, imagine someone throws a surprise birthday party for a friend,
179
only to be offended when the friend doesn't do the same for them.
180
In this case, the person organizing the party is really just using the friend to get something in return.
181
If the friend feels pressured to reciprocate but doesn't want to,
182
then that's when resentment begins.
183
Now that we've covered how seeking external approval can negatively impact your life and relationships,
184
let's examine the alternative and look at Kashimi and Koga's advice for living a happier life.
185
Kashimi and Koga suggest that instead of seeking approval,
186
happy people focus on helping others.
187
They find true joy in contributing to the wellbeing of those around them.
188
For them, happiness comes from genuinely believing that they are useful to someone.
189
Kashimi and Koga argue that as long as happy people believe they are helping others,
190
they don't worry about what others think of them.
191
They argue that you must decide for yourself what being useful means.
192
Once you figure out what's truly meaningful for your life,
193
anything else will feel like a waste of time.
194
Even if you meet others' expectations but don't feel useful,
195
then you won't find happiness.
196
They explain that if one really has a feeling of contribution,
197
one will no longer have any need for recognition from others
198
because one will already have the real awareness that I am of use to someone
199
without needing to go out of one's way to be acknowledged by others.
200
In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition
201
does not have any community feeling yet and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance,
202
confidence in others or contribution to others.
203
For happy people, helping others isn't a selfless sacrifice.
204
It's something they do mainly for their own benefit.
205
While this might sound selfish,
206
Kashimi and Koga argue that it's perfectly fine if your purpose in life is to make yourself happy,
207
since helping others brings them fulfillment.
208
Happy people are able to serve without expecting anything in return.
209
Additionally, according to the authors,
210
the desire to help because it makes you happy
211
is a much stronger motivator than doing so simply because it's the right thing to do.
212
That is because pursuing self-sacrifice to be seen as a good person is just another form of seeking approval.
213
Kashimi and Koga also argue that anyone can find happiness by realizing that just by existing,
214
they bring joy to others.
215
Humans naturally care about each other,
216
and simply being around others can be fulfilling without needing to do anything extraordinary.
217
Building on this idea, happy people believe that all humans have value,
218
even if they haven't done anything good with their lives.
219
Because of this belief, they can accept themselves fully.
220
Even if they've made mistakes or aren't as well adjusted as others,
221
they understand that their presence is valuable to those around them.
222
This makes them feel good about themselves, despite their imperfections.
223
While Kashimi and Koga acknowledge that some people do more good than others,
224
They point out that unlike unhappy people who may see the success of others as a threat,
225
happy people celebrate it.
226
Since happy people believe that everyone can make others happy just by being there,
227
they see no need to view life as a competition.
228
The success of others cannot diminish their own worth as human beings.
229
Finally, happy people focus on the present moment,
230
enjoying life as it comes.
231
Kishimi and Koga believe that we all have the ability to choose happiness at any given moment.
232
Kashimi and Koga explain that many people think they need to achieve something big to be happy,
233
but that's not true.
234
Anyone can find happiness by simply recognizing the positive impact they have on others.
235
They clarify that this doesn't mean you should stop working toward future goals.
236
Instead, you should find meaning and joy in the journey toward those goals.
237
That way, if your life ended suddenly,
238
you wouldn't feel like it was wasted.
239
The key takeaway from this book is that no matter what you do,
240
it's inevitable that some people won't like you.
241
Therefore, the only way to find lasting happiness is to accept this reality
242
and have the courage to live a life you believe is good,
243
regardless of other people's opinions.
244
This is why it's crucial to let go of the need for approval and develop the courage to be disliked.
Download App
AI scoring for every sentence you speak
TRENDING
Popular
Context & Background
This episode features insights from the audiobook of The Courage to Be Disliked, co-authored by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga. The central theme revolves around the significant impact of external approval on personal happiness. Kishimi and Koga delve into the idea that many of our worries stem from our concerns about what others think of us, asserting that this preoccupation leads to unhappiness. The discussion emphasizes the importance of having the courage to be disliked as a pathway to personal freedom and emotional well-being. Understanding the psychological theories of Alfred Adler further enriches this perspective, focusing on how our goals shape our lifestyle and emotional states.
Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication
- "You care too much about what others think." – This expression captures the essence of prioritizing your self-worth over others’ opinions.
- "Freedom is being disliked." – A profound reminder that true freedom lies in embracing who we are, regardless of others' judgments.
- "The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked." – This phrase highlights the dual courage needed to pursue happiness over fear of rejection.
- "Your lifestyle is a choice based on the goals you set." – This statement reinforces the notion that our habits are directed by our aspirations.
- "Antisocial behavior is a choice, not a fixed trait." – This phrase challenges common misconceptions about behavior and emphasizes the possibility of change.
Step-by-step Shadowing Guide
To effectively use the shadowing technique with this video, follow these steps to enhance your English speaking practice:
- Listen Actively: Start by listening to the audio without interruption. Focus on the speaker's tone and pacing.
- Transcribe Key Phrases: Write down the top phrases highlighted above. This will help you memorize and internalize important expressions.
- Repeat and Imitate: Play the video again, using the shadowing app or even just your device. As you listen, repeat the phrases aloud, mimicking the speaker's pronunciation and intonation.
- Record Yourself: Using your voice recorder, say the phrases in sync with the speaker. Playback your recording alongside the original audio to identify areas of improvement.
- Practice Regularly: Consistent practice with this material will help you develop fluency and confidence in using similar phrases in daily conversations. As you grow more comfortable, try incorporating this vocabulary into your own sentences during discussions.
Engaging with content like "Live For Yourself, Not For Others" will not only enhance your vocabulary but also enrich your understanding of complex emotional and psychological themes while you practice your English speaking skills.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.
☕ Buy us a coffee
ShadowingEnglish remains 100% free thanks to your support. Server and AI costs are high — your coffee keeps us going! 🙏