Pratique du Shadowing: The REAL Reason 80% of Men Get Rejected - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
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We talked about attraction.
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Um, as you move down through that funnel, the next challenge becomes actually keeping someone.
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Yeah.
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And I, funnily enough, because in my early twenties, although I could seemingly attract women at this point,
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I couldn't get any of them to want to be in a relationship with me, especially the ones I wanted.
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Yeah.
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What is useful to get a man
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or a woman is not the same thing as what works to keep a man or a woman.
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Those are two different problems.
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Some people actually make great long -term partners, but they're terrible at attracting.
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They're terrible at the marketing.
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Other people, they get the marketing down, but they lack the substance or they can't really go the distance from one way or the other.
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And so it's harder to keep their partners around.
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They're two different problems.
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The solution for one does not apply to the other.
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In particular, the vast majority of attraction is based on projected fantasy.
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I don't know who you are.
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I just see the outside.
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And I'm going to approach you because I like that outside.
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And my attraction is going to fill in the gaps of my knowledge base with what I want to see there.
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That's why I talk about, I'm in an episode about how most men blow the first date.
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They blow the first date by talking too much.
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They talk too much out of the misguided desire to prove their value to women.
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They usually do it in a very heavy -handed, ham -fisted way.
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And generally, all they do is succeed in disabusing that woman of the fantasy that she had of that man,
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which is why she was sitting there on that date tonight.
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Because the likelihood
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that anything I say is going to match up with what
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you want to see in the privacy of your own mind is functionally zero.
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So I need to tread very carefully because you're not on this date because you like me, because you don't fucking know who I am yet.
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You're here because of what you hope I might be.
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And so I need to be very careful not to disabuse you of that hope too quickly.
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Right?
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It's actually the key to transitioning from one phase to the other.
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It's going to sound real bad, but it's a slow and gradual disappointment.
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Right?
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And you have to do this because if you don't do it, then what do you end up with?
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You end up in a relationship where you're not truly known and you're just performing all the time.
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And that's probably not sustainable, but it's certainly not very satisfying.
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And there'll be a sudden disappointment.
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There generally is.
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I talk about that in the book.
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The crisis of disappointment is one of the first crises that all nascent relationships must pass through.
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And on some level, the relationship doesn't even begin in earnest until couples go through the crisis of disappointment,
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where either through one significant betrayal or the accumulation of small inconsistencies, the fantasy on which the relationship has been based up until that point shatters.
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And the person is really no different from who he or she was the day before, but he or she's going to feel completely different
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because it's almost like the scales have dropped from your eyes and you're seeing this person.
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And maybe what seemed cute and lovable and adorable just a week ago now is completely infuriating and difficult to live with.
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Sometimes the very things that we're most attracted to tend to be the things
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that we dislike most about our partners further down the road.
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It's a cruel irony.
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So interesting when you talk about this moment
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that some relationships go through where they have that sudden disappointment where the kind of honeymoon effect, the halo effect of this person kind of shatters.
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And you say that's when the relationship actually begins.
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Well, yeah, because it's at
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that point where you have the opportunity at long last to see the other person for who he or she is.
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And you couldn't see that before.
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You just saw what you wanted to see.
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You were distorted in your perception by your attraction.
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And you need some of that distortion
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because why else would you have taken the risk and the expense
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and the opportunity to pursue this relationship up until that point.
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Like you need a little bit of attraction.
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Too much of attraction is crazy.
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I mean, it's completely distortive, not enough attraction, and you're not going to overcome the behavioral inertia.
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You're just going to be so in your head and you'll be like, this isn't worth it.
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I'd rather just do something with a higher
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likelihood of success where I can get one of my needs met in a more predictable and consistent way.
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Because relationships are really a roll of the dice, especially today, more than ever.
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So on that first date,
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can women also talk themselves out of it in terms of the women talking too much and the man going, Jesus Christ?
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They can, but most guys just are, they're trying to get laid.
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So like the woman would have to be a total train wreck
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or that guy would have to have enough optionality that he could be picky.
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But most men are not picky because most men are just really hungry.
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for anything that they're willing to get.
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I know that sounds bad, but it's kind of true.
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Well, I mean, it's supported by data as well, isn't it?
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That, you know, I've heard repeatedly that the top 10 % of men are having most of the sex.
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They are killing it.
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It's like, what a time to be alive these days, man.
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And that seems to be kind of the end state of a dysregulated sexual marketplace.
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And it's not unusual.
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It's not uncommon.
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Like we see this in all kinds of animal species,
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elephant seals, wild mustangs it's like you see some alpha males dominate the females who congregate in harems around those men.
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And if that man is defeated by another contender, the women aren't loyal.
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It's not like those females love that individual and they'll stick with it even after it's defeated in combat.
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They just move on to the next one.
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85 % of cultures on this planet, according to people who know more about this than I do, have been polygamous.
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and what we see is that when women are able and empowered to make their own sexual decisions in the sexual marketplace,
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they target the top 10 % of men.
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That creates a lot of problems though, creates a lot of problems, both for men and women.
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It creates problems for women because the likelihood
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that any one of those 10 % men are going to give up their insane sexual optionality
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and enter into a monogamous exclusive arrangement with them is very negligible.
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Like that guy has to be so done with playing the field and so ready to start a family and settle down.
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So it's really about timing as opposed to being the right woman.
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You kind of just have to be good enough at the right moment to kind of capture that man's attention.
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And for the vast majority of those women, they're not going to be it.
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But what's the alternative?
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It's like, how about this, uh, you know, this guy, he's, he's completely average.
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There's nothing bad about him.
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Nothing that great about him either.
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He'd make a great husband.
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Like that doesn't sound very attractive.
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I can understand that.
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Do you still think that relationships are a exchange of value between two people? Of course.
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And what is that exchange of value?
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Cause when I, when, when you, when I read that, it kind of sounds like gold digging or something.
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Well, that's because often people take value very literally,
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and especially economics, that word just is associated very strongly with money in the collective imagination.
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I think in one of the footnotes, I use a definition from von Mises from the Austrian School of Economics,
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and he basically defines economics as the study of human behavior
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in respect to means and with respect to ends and scarce means that could be applied in other ways.
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The easiest way to explain the value is that people don't move towards people they want nothing to do with.
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They have better things to do, especially when they have these scarce resources like time,
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like energy, like attention, and that they want things from other people.
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If I, at a distance, can see there's, it's like going shopping.
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I can look at a distance, there's nothing in that store that I want.
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I don't have to go in and waste my time to figure out whether that's absolutely true or not,
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because I have other things to do today so it's like
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if there's nothing that i want from that store i'm not going to walk through its doors
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right people don't move towards those they don't want anything from
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so what is value value can be all kinds of things value is anything
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that can be bought or earned okay not everything can be bought
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and earned and i have a whole chapter about that
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but a lot of things can be bought and earned okay
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so give me some examples of the most important types of values values
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that we exchange in the context of a relationship sex yeah security yeah excitement yeah emotional support
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yeah child rearing okay and do women and men value those types of value differently of course
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And what do men value more
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And what do women value more
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That's a tough one
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Because not only do men and women value those differently
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But men and women value them differently
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At different stages of their life
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Like I'm sure when you were doing the bottle service
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You were not really thinking
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Whether these women had good maternal capacities No Right?
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You were Trying to get laid
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Exactly You were approaching those women
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With a different set of needs or desires
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There's nothing wrong with that
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Because it's actually very difficult for one person to meet this hyper -conflated set of needs and wants.
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That's one of the reasons why relationships tend to fail these days is we want too many things from one person.
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And we expect one person to be all things across our entire lives, which is very difficult, if not impossible.
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It's like incredible that it even happens at all.
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That didn't used to be the case, did it?
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Well, it didn't used to be the case, mostly because it was so difficult, if not impossible, to divorce.
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And there were a lot of social taboos against separation.
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But I would have been living in like a community where I could have got, you know, we're living much more isolated and lonely now.
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So I would have been, you know, the village would have given me some of those things that I'm looking for in terms of value.
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I would have had a big social structure around me.
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Absolutely.
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I talk about that in the book is
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that we used to live in small communities where we actually
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had lots of different kinds of relationships with lots of different people
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and also in extended kin networks and intergenerational housing, for instance.
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And so with the advent of the nuclear family and the dissolution of real community, we expect our partner to be all things,
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to be an entire village and an extended family.
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And that's just really not possible.
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I mean, the love marriage in particular may even be a paradox in terms because you want kind of, let's say, an emotionally stable,
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safe companion who is also your passionate lover and sexual partner.
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Spontaneous, risky, novel.
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So difficult, if not impossible.
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Yeah.
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Like you certainly can't do both of those things at the same time.
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The best you can hope for is to kind of vacillate between the two of them to kind of create a proportion,
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just enough passion or spontaneity and risk to keep the kind of bedroom alive, but still maintaining the stability and long -term security of the relationship.
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It's very difficult to manage.
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I find this difficult.
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I find this difficult.
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I find it difficult to be in, I'm in a five -year relationship now.
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I'm like, how do you, how do you go for another 50 years?
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Cause I, I, you know, with the, with the same person and maintain the spontaneity and excitement for 50 years,
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you know, and being the kind of novel, sexually attractive, whatever, while also being stable,
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safe, predictable, comfortable, present at the same time.
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Like, they feel like paradoxes.
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It's very hard and you have to be creative.
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It's part of the reason why there are...
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that places like Victoria's Secret exist.
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You know what I'm saying?
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It's like 21 year old girls aren't shopping there really.
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So if you're not willing to actually open up your relationship, then you have to kind of make your partner feel new,
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which could mean different outfits.
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It could mean play and entering in and experimenting with different roles behind closed doors.
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It can also just mean travel.
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I mean, one thing that really seems to spark sex life in couples is foreign bedsheets.
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and I think that you've just sort of changed the context
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and that's enough of a spark of novelty to bring some of the sexual interest back for the man.
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I think novelty is more important for men than for women.
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One of the things that really works in my relationship that I've observed is just being away.
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Absolutely.
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So I come out here for, you know, I'm out here for a couple of weeks now.
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I'm not going to see my, and then I was doing
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Dragon's Den before this in the UK, so I was away for a while then.
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In total, I wouldn't have seen my partner for about four weeks.
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So when I come back, it's kind of like the, a new person.
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It is.
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I mean, one of the things about what made relationships work back in
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the day is men didn't really spend a lot of time with women and vice versa.
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James Sexton, the divorce lawyer, he had this great line on the Softwaite Underbelly interview when he was responding to the spike in divorces during COVID,
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when everybody was shut down and forced into close company with each other for extended periods of time.
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He said that men and women signed up for better or for worse, but not for lunch.
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It's really hard to just be in each other's space all the time.
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And the fact of the matter is when we lived in extended kid networks and communities,
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men had a bunch of men to do things with and women had a bunch of women to talk to.
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And even in the fifties, which is kind of romanticized as the paragon of conservative traditional marriage,
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that was the time when the man was a traveling salesman
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and he was on the road for 200 days out of the year.
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Having an office has kept more marriages alive than probably any other toy or therapy or intervention on the planet.
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Like you need to leave.
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You need to leave.
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And it's even harder to do that with the advent of cellular technology.
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It's like being physically absent doesn't matter if the whole time you're there, I know where you are at all times
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because I've put a tracking thing on your phone and I'm constantly communicating with you throughout the day.
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Like now there's no uncertainty.
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There's no mystery.
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There's no unknown.
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So when we get back together, what do we have to talk about?
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I'm not interested in you because I believe you're an entirely known entity.
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You need to have something that I don't know yet to attract my interest and curiosity,
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which is the spark that eventually potentially leads to passion and sexual intimacy.
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But what does this say about the very nature of monogamy?
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Because if you need to, this doesn't feel like a natural thing.
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If I go back, you know, we, once upon a time, we couldn't just get on a plane or go to the office.
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We would presumably be around each other most of the time.
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I'm trying to understand if you think like monogamy is quote unquote natural.
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Oh, probably not.
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Like I think that humans are probably monogamish, but like strict monogamy,
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which should be really rigidly and explicitly defined by the individuals in question
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because there's clearly behaviors that are in the gray zone, like is harmless flirting cheating?
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You know what I'm saying?
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That some people might say, no, that's just part of the fun of being a social human being and it's not gonna lead to anything.
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And other people might think, no, that's totally inappropriate and incorrect.
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So these things need to be discussed.
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Monogamy isn't just something that everybody agrees on and understands what that means.
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But yeah, I think that it's generally not something that we do naturally.
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One way to think about this is monogamy actually benefits men on a utilitarian perspective
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because there's generally more women than there are for men.
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If you maintain strict social monogamy, we have this many men and this many women, what that means is that even the worst men in society,
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in that community, can be functionally guaranteed of a wife.
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I want to really close off on this point about exchanging values.
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And that's really what a relationship is.
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When I spoke to James Sexton, the divorce lawyer you referenced there, we started talking about gold diggers.
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And he would reference divorce cases where there's a 70 year old, significantly overweight man, who's, you know, with a 30 year old woman.
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And I said to him, is that not gold digging?
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And I said, is that love?
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And his response to me, I'll always remember it was, he said, well, it's a transaction.
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She's getting something from him.
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And in the words that you've described, it might be safety, it might be, I don't know, money or whatever.
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And he's also getting something from her, which is, I guess a feeling.
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I guess it's an emotional feeling.
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Presumably he's getting sex.
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Sex, yeah.
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He's getting the opportunity to walk in the door with a beautiful 30 -year -old on his arm, which is certainly a bump to his ego,
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but is also good for the social game.
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The fact of the matter is, is that most women, most men would have sex with most women,
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but most women would not have sex with most men.
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So we also know that men's threshold for selection is much lower than women's.
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Generally, women have more optionality than men do.
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And so when we see a woman with a man,
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we more or less assume that that's the best man that she could get given her range of options.
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Oftentimes with the men, it's the only woman that would have him.
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Not quite the same thing.
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So if a very attractive woman is with a man,
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then that's an automatic status boost in any social circle
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that he navigates in because everyone is going to assume that there must be something really important or significant about that guy,
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given the fact that we assume that that attractive or beautiful woman could pretty much have any man that she wanted, and yet she's with him.
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For better or for worse, it's more difficult to know a man's true value.
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given the reasons why men and women transact in the sexual marketplace.
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Like women's value in terms of sexual marketplace is just so much more explicit.
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Like it's men's downfall that we're too monomaniacally focused on the reproductive cues and the physical attractiveness for better or for worse.
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And that's hard for women because some women have it and some women don't.
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You know what I'm saying? but for a man
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when it comes time like is he it's difficult to even calculate a person's net worth
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if you have all of their income documentation like you have accountants to do
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that right steven you certainly can't do it on site no like
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if i didn't know about your podcast
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you were just walking down the street with your plain old black tea
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i'd be like you you might be functionally invisible you know what i'm saying
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and that's that's actually kind of good it's nice to be able to be incognito and invisible when you want to be.
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To be so famous that you can't go anywhere without being recognized would be a liability more than an opportunity.
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But it would take somebody to be curious about you, to learn about all the interesting and valuable things about you and your lifestyle.
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And unless you advertise that in some way, most women would not go through the trouble of trying to figure that out.
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And that's not the same for a woman.
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Of course not.
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It's really hard for women to just be alone.
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Oh yeah.
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Like, and that's, I can, and sometimes they complain about that.
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And I get that.
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There's been times when I've been approached and I would rather just be left alone.
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It's annoying to have to reject people.
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It's uncomfortable to be sexualized against your will when you don't want to be.
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Right.
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I was actually watching something yesterday in my green room over there, just cause it came up on my phone.
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It was an ITV documentary where they just basically followed a woman at night through a major city with a camera.
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And it is pretty horrific.
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The one man comes up to her, puts his arm around her.
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She's alone at night in the middle of the street.
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Context.
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Puts his arm around her and basically stops her.
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Hey, please, what's your name?
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Please.
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Another man who's in his 60s or 70s comes over.
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Hey, do you want some piano lessons?
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I play piano.
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Would you like some piano?
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And she can't move down this high street without someone making a sound, a gesture, some kind of proposition.
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Jesus Christ.
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That's what it's like to be like Justin Bieber or something.
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It'd be really annoying.
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Yeah.
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It's interesting, because that behavior is just point blank unacceptable.
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But what I saw in that video as well was just how desperate men must be.
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And especially in the way that the world has changed following the Me Too movement,
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and we understand what consent really is and the experience that women have been through.
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I go, there's a subset of men now
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that are going to be even more terrified to walk up to someone and say, hi, my name is Stephen. Can we talk?
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I've done so many consultations with guys who are terrified of being MeToo'd,
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of being cancelled, of being surreptitiously recorded and humiliated on the internet,
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especially in San Francisco, which is sort of like the epicenter for progressive feminism and politics in general.
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I have done cold approaches to get over my own approach anxiety hundreds and hundreds of times in San Francisco.
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And I have never once been slapped or had a drink thrown in my face or had an angry, uncomfortable interaction.
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Like the worst I got was I went up to a girl, I was like, hey, how you doing?
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And without even responding, she just sort of looked at me and then like looked away.
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And I was like, ooh, okay, all right, not interested.
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Understood.
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That was the worst thing that happened to me.
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I think if you approach women in the right way, you can leave them better than you found them,
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even if they're not interested in having a relationship with you, which most women won't be by definition.
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So get used to striking out.
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If you love the Diver of a CEO brand and you watch this channel, please do me a huge favor,
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become part of the 15 % of the viewers on this channel that have hit the subscribe button.
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It helps us tremendously.
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And the bigger the channel gets, the bigger the guests.
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Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette leçon d’expression orale s’appuie sur la vidéo « The REAL Reason 80% of Men Get Rejected ». Cette vidéo contient 337 phrases et 4071 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 22:29. Le locuteur parle vite, environ 181 mots par minute : attendez-vous à des liaisons et à des sons réduits. 87 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais, le vocabulaire est donc facile à suivre.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
15 mots de la vidéo à retenir, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| attraction nom | /əˈtɹækʃn̩/ | attraction |
| disappointment nom | /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt/ | déception |
| divorce nom | /dɪˈvɔːs/ | divorce |
| attract verbe | /əˈtɹækt/ | attirer |
| marketplace nom | marché, place du marché | |
| economics nom | /ˌiːkəˈnɒmɪks/ | économie |
| piano nom | /piˈænɪː/ | piano |
| differently adverbe | /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/ | différemment |
| spark nom | /ˈspɑɹk/ | étincelle, flammèche |
| likelihood nom | /ˈlaɪklihʊd/ | vraisemblance |
| vast adjectif | /væst/ | vaste, immense |
| stable nom | /ˈsteɪ.bəl/ | étable, écurie |
| passion nom | /ˈpæʃən/ | passion |
| sudden adjectif | /ˈsʌd.ən/ | soudain, subit |
| dig verbe | /dɪɡ/ | creuser |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| go through verbe | traverser | |
| come back verbe | revenir | |
| come out verbe | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | sortir |
| come over verbe | venir | |
| figure out verbe | cerner | |
| get back verbe | retourner | |
| get over verbe | surmonter | |
| give up verbe | se rendre |
Des phrases à répéter
Des phrases courtes et complètes de la vidéo, à réutiliser dans la conversation de tous les jours :
- I don't know who you are.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Hey, please, what's your name?
- Hey, do you want some piano lessons?
- Would you like some piano?
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| « Used to » used to + verbe — une habitude ou un état passé qui n’est plus vrai | used to be · used to live |
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | has been based · have dropped · have taken |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | is based · has been based · were distorted |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | people who know · lives, which is · fifties, which is |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 87 contractions et formes réduites, comme I'm, don't, you're. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: attraction /əˈtɹækʃn̩/, passion /ˈpæʃən/, unusual /ʌnˈjuːʒ(u)əl/, capture /ˈkæp.(t)ʃɚ/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: disappointment /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt/, economics /ˌiːkəˈnɒmɪks/, differently /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, invisible /ɪnˈvɪzəb(ə)l/
Les sons difficiles pour les francophones :
- /h/ — il se souffle, il n’est pas muet: likelihood /ˈlaɪklihʊd/, hungry /ˈhʌŋ.ɡɹi/, threshold /ˈθɹɛʃ(h)oʊld/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, harmless /ˈhɑɹmləs/
- /tʃ/ et /dʒ/ — à ne pas adoucir en « ch » et « j »: naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, arrangement /əˈɹeɪnd͡ʒmənt/, imagination /ɪˌmæd͡ʒəˈneɪʃən/, cheat /ˈt͡ʃiːt/, gesture /ˈd͡ʒɛs.t͡ʃɚ/
- /r/ anglais — langue recourbée, sans frotter la gorge: attraction /əˈtɹækʃn̩/, attract /əˈtɹækt/, differently /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/, spark /ˈspɑɹk/, strict /stɹɪkt/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Commencez à la vitesse 0,75×, répétez phrase par phrase, puis revenez à la vitesse normale quand cela devient facile.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme attraction, disappointment, divorce.
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.