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We're a family in crisis
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because we finally supposedly have a life together in a stable way
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that we've been searching for since the moment we got married.
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And ironically, no sooner have we arrived in a life that's finally supposed to be stable, a good place for the kids, a home we own, we are just aliens to each other.
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Aliens to each other.
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I think more often than not these days.
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And that's, would you say that's why you're here?
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We got married in May 2018
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and we left New York City on a kind of existential adventure like two weeks later
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and we didn't stop moving despite having two kids along the way until three months ago.
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Wow.
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New York, Miami, New Jersey, New York City and then Montana which is where we've been for the last two years.
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What was motivating these moves?
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She was happy in New York.
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What What were you?
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My parents settled in New York upon immigrating from the USSR.
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And it never quite sat right with me.
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This was what year?
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1988. Before we immigrated, like, we were the unwanted people.
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Jewish family?
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Yeah.
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I grew up among people who carried around a tremendous sense of having been unwanted and unsafe.
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And as a younger person, I had many dreams of going somewhere else.
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And so when I met Jessica, I sort of saw the opportunity to finally go somewhere.
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And every next place was pursuit of the fantasy of a kind of a place that makes you feel at home.
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To have done this in our mid to late 30s with a new baby
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while she's trying to get her career off the ground, It was a disaster.
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What's your career?
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I'm a psychotherapist.
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Mm -hmm.
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Well, it's hard to move.
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Yeah.
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Well, I had a very tough time in Miami.
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Nobody wanted to go to therapy in Miami.
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Mm -hmm.
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So we went to Montana because I got a tenure -track job teaching creative writing.
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If you're a writer, this is the ticket to every imaginable kind of stability.
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Yeah.
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And I gave that up and came back to this place, so much more expensive by comparison.
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And there's not one thing in this home that makes me feel at home.
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And so I feel completely and absolutely trapped regarding the possibility of...
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Home.
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Home.
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I understand.
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Can you tell your version of this?
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Most of our moves, with the exception of moving back to New York City,
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were to facilitate Forrest's need and my stuff got kind of like put back.
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This was supposed to be my time now.
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Jessica gets a turn.
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But my turn is being slowly eroded by the fact that you are not happy where we are,
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and that creates instability in our relationship and instability in my home, which is also where I work.
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So what happens?
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Describe how you're not keeping it in and what happens between the two of you.
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Like, bring me into your...
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Practically speaking, um...
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Um...
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Can I go?
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Sure.
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I have become afraid of leaving my office because if we encounter each other, it all spills out.
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How?
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You'll just start listing the things that are are bothering you
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and how does it sound i get you want a practical example yeah i want to hear it
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so like i really care about cooking i really care about
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getting you know a nice apple versus a shitty apple
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and it was perfectly possible to go do
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that in in a completely unstressed way in the place we live keep going
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and tell me and how does this sound at home so
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So I'm constantly reciting all the ways in which this place is just, it just feels like the opposite of what we need as a family.
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If my partner was giving me what I'm giving to Jessica, I would call the moving company.
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And, and, and I know I...
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Call the moving company and say...
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This is very frustrating for me to hear.
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Let's go.
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I would call the moving company and say...
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We're leaving.
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You don't like it here?
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Let's go.
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That's what he wants.
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I...
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That is one...
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I get it.
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One of the things that...
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It is so frustrating because I've been there. Because...
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I've been there. Been where?
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In a state of extreme distress. And...
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And we left. Can you...
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I want to hear the story from your shoes.
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I have been in a place, Montana, where I wanted to get out. And...
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We stayed for two years, but I was not well.
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I disagree with that.
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Excuse me?
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I disagree with that narrative.
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How so?
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How so? So, um...
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So I was perfectly well.
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I was great.
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I was doing great.
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Do you see what just happened?
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She flipped from the truth about how she was feeling, and when I disagree with that version, there's this sarcastic thing that happens all the way to the other end.
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So I was great.
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I was perfect then.
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I hate that.
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When you question my experience, it is incredibly frustrating.
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I just don't know how to live with this person, and I'm pretty sure this person doesn't really know how to live with me,
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when our aspirations for what home feels like are so different.
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If she wants peace and stability, all the leading aspects of this life seem to make our lives more, not less complicated, at least the way that I live it.
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But I'm sorry, at least for now, you're married to me.
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When we first met in 2015, I was singing in a jazz group.
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Not like a band, but like I would sing and there was some gentleman who would play instruments in this Russian restaurant.
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And you had seen me before.
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I had not noticed you before.
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Because I was in the kitchen.
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Because you were in the kitchen.
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I would stare at her through the rhombus window.
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There was a little tiny rhombus window.
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I remember that.
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Yeah.
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So then we had a very pleasant conversation, but at the end of that conversation, Boris noticed that I was wearing a very thin wedding band,
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and you wrote me an email about it and how, like, too bad.
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I was attracted to you, and I enjoyed our conversations.
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I would have loved to have more to go on, but you kept standing me up.
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I was married.
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I was married, and it made sense that I didn't want to go out with a man while I was married, right?
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There's no issue here whatsoever.
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This is just, like, something we playfully spar about, but, like, there's no issue here.
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I totally get what was happening.
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It's all good.
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Yeah.
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And that was when we fell in love, and she wrote a parting letter to her husband.
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I saw him only once ever again.
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And then she moved in with me.
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Yeah.
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Mm -hmm.
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I mean, it's a lovely romantic story, though, with dark elements because, can I, can I talk?
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Jessica was incredibly disoriented when she came out of this relationship.
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What kind of disoriented?
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She was just profoundly misaligned with her circumstances and just looking for something to hold on to.
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And some of the issues that we encountered right at the beginning there, they're the issues that are with us to this day and they're the issues why we're in this room.
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Tell me.
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I'm somebody who tries to anticipate problems.
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Mm -hmm.
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And because I'm the one who anticipates the problems, I end up just doing everything.
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Mm -hmm.
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And I think the task list became so long once the kids arrived
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that I gradually developed just an enormous amount of rage at how much I had to do.
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So, Jessica, I think has, if you're okay with me speaking about what I think the issue has been for you, you look so angry.
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Mm -hmm.
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You feeling angry?
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Well, maybe we should slow down.
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Finish your thought.
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Oh, no. Hold on.
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Just say what has angered you.
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Boris's narrative of my competence and ability at different times in my life is very unfair.
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Describe.
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Boris, I did all those things in my life before I met you.
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And there are reasons why you ended up doing a lot of the things that you ended up doing. So...
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Boris does not like me to go grocery shopping because I shop very differently than he does.
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It's not efficient.
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It's not economical.
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We used to just shorthand it by saying the tomatoes, because I once went and I bought some tomatoes that were very expensive.
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And this was proof that I could not do it to his standards, and therefore he must always do it.
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Are there other areas like that?
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I hate the way that this makes me sound.
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How would you characterize grocery shopping?
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Who gives a fuck about the grocery shopping?
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It's such a small part of the overall issue yes we
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can talk about why I would go the extra block to buy tomatoes
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that are as good I don't want to buy shitty tomatoes I want to buy nice tomatoes
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but if you can get them for a dollar less per pound, a block away, I would go that block.
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That is the person I am.
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That is the place that I come from.
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I want tools to figure out how to be cool with what she decides to do about the tomatoes
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and the one million things the tomatoes are a metaphor for.
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Can you guys tell me about a few more things just so I'll get a sense of it?
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Boris finds me to be forgetful, unreliable, flighty, unable to concentrate,
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generally not trustworthy, not in, like, I'm a bad person, but I can't trust that if I ask Jessica to do something, that it will get done.
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Therefore, I must do all things by myself.
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Do you see any of that in you, or is that...?
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I can say that that has never been my role in any previous relationship.
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But there's something about this relationship where I've been shifted into a role that is a mystery to me.
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I don't know why I'm this person in his mind and in this relationship.
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What are you supposed to do
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when two people in a relationship have just diametrically opposite feelings about one of the most prominent experiences in their lives?
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Like their home.
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Like, yeah, like their home life.
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Mm -hmm.
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As I mentioned here before, I feel like we have made our lives, and particularly my life, much, much harder
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through the choices that we've made and Jessica has a different experience of our lives and I'm unhappy and she's happy.
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What do you, there's only so much hiding in your love for kids that you can do, right?
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I would say that I'm clinically depressed, right?
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And I think I'm clinically depressed an accumulative reaction to an ongoing series of failures to find a place
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that feels like home.
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Yeah.
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And, like, putting a smile on my face while I feel that...
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Impossible.
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Right, it's like asking a paralyzed person to get up.
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It's just, it's a mental issue.
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It's just, I can't do it.
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Can I ask you to pause?
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Where are you, Jessica?
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I've never asked you to put a smile on your face.
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Ever.
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I don't...
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Where are you?
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I'm not good.
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I'm very tired.
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I'm very tired of talking about this.
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I'm very tired.
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I'm very tired.
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Tell me.
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I think it's just assumed that I can't understand and that I can't change,
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I can't give him what he wants. Which is?
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Understanding and solutions.
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I guess those are two different things.
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Yeah, they're different things.
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So if I understood him, I could help us find solutions for this problem.
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For me, the issue is not understanding, it's acknowledgement.
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Or being in there with you.
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As you said, feeling like it's our problem rather than your problem.
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Yeah, it's a feeling.
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It's a matter of tone.
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It's not a matter of words.
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Any words can get said, but you can't fake feelings.
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Mm -hmm.
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Can you say more about what it's like to be in your shoes?
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I don't know.
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Keep going.
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What's coming up for you?
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There's nothing to say.
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There's really nothing to say. Because?
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Because we've had this conversation so many times, and it's just...
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blowing up in my face.
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Right, but I'm here, so let me at least hear how it potentially blows up for each of you, and maybe I can help.
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So we know we can't move.
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What can we do to help you feel comfortable for now?
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Is there anything that we can do that would give you any comfort?
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And the answer is no. Right.
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The remoteness of the place is the problem.
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Homeownership is the problem.
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Joblessness is the problem.
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professional and financial insecurity is the problem.
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Like, there's nothing that my wife and kids can do.
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The only thing that would make me feel less alone is if I felt like my wife wasn't grinning her teeth
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through the times that I brought this up.
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Can't you understand how this move has this thing that is helping you thrive?
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I don't understand.
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It's so plain.
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It's so simple.
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Like, can't you see how it's made my life harder?
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Yes, Morris.
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I, I, yes.
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And I would do almost anything at this point to help you feel better.
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I know that you're in a lot of pain.
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that my knowing doesn't seem to help.
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And I have failed to make you feel that I have sympathy for you,
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that I'm proud of you for doing everything else that you've done.
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And so you feel really alone. And I'm sorry.
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Thank you. That doesn't mean anything.
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I'm sorry he doesn't.
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Yeah.
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It's really important for people to recognize when their partner is offering them something.
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And with Jessica, she's really trying and he's just refusing to see it.
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Yeah.
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Do you think the therapy is making it worse?
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I don't know.
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But there's something about the therapy, like sitting there in a pressure cooker, which is really not good medicine for these guys.
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Yeah.
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They're too fragile.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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There's things in life that one wishes to do, There's things in life that one doesn't wish to do, but one has to do, and there's things in life that one doesn't wish to do and doesn't have to do.
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And there is a fuckload in my life that is in the third department.
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Like?
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I will never again live in a house.
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It is somebody else's dream.
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I'm running around trying to figure out what filter needs to go into the water softener.
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You multiply that by 20, 40, like there's just, there's a dozen tasks like that that arrive at your doorstep every day.
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Our time on Earth is not long, like...
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Boris, can we just, like, just...
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Can we talk about me for a little bit?
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I want to talk about, like... So I...
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We are getting to you, love.
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I'm just trying to explain where I am.
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Like, don't worry.
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It'll get to you.
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It'll get to you.
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You are not forgotten, I promise.
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You are on my mind all the time.
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This isn't just the Boris show.
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I'm just trying to explain.
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We will get to you.
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I promise.
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So how does all of this play out between the two of you, and what is the ask?
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So, so, I'm just, I'm radiating negativity, which is no fun to be around for Jessica, and...
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So all of this is on your mind and heart.
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Yes.
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And what happens?
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So, like, right now, I'm feeling like, let's talk about us and the other side of the coin.
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Like, there's all the things that Boris feels he needs to be doing.
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And then there's the stuff that I need, need, need to be doing for us to live right now.
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I have to make money.
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And I was more stable at one point, and I'm getting less and less and less stable.
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Because what is happening here is now is happening here.
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How?
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I've been not physically well for a while.
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I've had a persistent cough for, like, nearly a year.
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Mm -hmm.
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I've lost weight that I wasn't trying to lose.
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Mm -hmm.
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Sometimes my hands will shake.
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Mm -hmm.
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Um, like, I just, my immune system is just shot.
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Like, if I get something, I don't get over it.
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Mm -hmm.
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It just stays.
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Um, that plus the emotional part of it,
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but I just see that I'm heading towards a place where I will probably not be able to work at all.
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Yeah.
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And I said to you, I think that I need to be, I need you to go away for a while.
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I need you to move out in order to calm this situation down.
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Mm -hmm.
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What would you prefer?
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I would prefer to stay there.
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Mm -hmm.
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It does not, it's not a life that works for me, but it's even worse to move out.
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Mm -hmm.
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Can the two of you imagine what would be a better idea to just either take a break or separate?
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What can you live with?
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One very easy thing, one very clear but not easy thing, from both of us.
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Boris figures out ways of not being so upfront with everything that's making him upset.
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Jessica continues tolerating and acknowledging Boris's difficult moments by engaging with them in a way
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that makes him feel like this is her burden too.
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But I want to ask whether the solution you're looking for, trying to recruit Jessica to the task is the way to go.
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I just want to tell you that sometimes that is a fantasy that is not realistic.
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Recognition and acknowledgement and shared purpose cannot be a fantasy.
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I don't know.
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I don't know.
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Recognition sometimes is code name for something that is beyond another person's capacity to give.
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But then it's not a good dynamic for me.
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Trust me, from clinical experience, sometimes the ask from another person, they can't give it to you.
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It might be that Jessica is saying to you, I cannot be the person helping you here.
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I understand.
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The thing that I'm seeking, the other person can't give.
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Okay, well, I want to hear that.
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I want to hear the two of you try to figure that out.
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We did this last week.
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Let's not, let's not, we, like...
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So how can I help you with that?
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Look, the fact is that Jessica, and I think a lot of it is valid and understandable, is fucking furious with me existentially.
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Mm -hmm.
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And has very, very, very little rope to do anything other than grit her teeth through what I'm going through.
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Ooh.
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She doesn't want to deal with this.
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She doesn't want to hear about it.
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What does it mean to deal with it?
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It's just with real soul and heart, just be like, love, this is a catastrophe for you.
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Like, in terms of personal identity and self -worth or purpose, whatever you...
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Why is that your reaction?
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Because I have done that.
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I've done that.
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And you do not feel that it is enough.
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Can you just...
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Can you open yourself up to the possibility that you haven't...
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Your feelings are so big and so...
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They fill up a lot of space.
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They take up all the room.
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I'm tired of fighting for space.
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Mm -hmm.
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I understand.
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How else are you feeling?
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I was initially hopeful, and now I feel...
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I feel, um, doomed.
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Mm -hmm.
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And I just wish there could be some part of you that was like, my wife is, like, shriveling.
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My wife is unwell.
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Let's give her some stability.
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Let's prioritize that for just a little bit so she can get in a good place again, an okay place again.
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But your problem is so big that there's no room for those considerations.
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I've had a very funny day.
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So, I wanted to go back to Boris and Jessica.
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So I saw them for several sessions that were increasingly difficult.
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Yeah.
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Like, the more I saw them, the more they were unraveling.
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And whatever I was doing with them was not in any way helping them.
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It was kind of salt on wounds.
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And they said they're going to take a break, and then decided they're not doing it at all.
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And they were always offered the option to come back, talk about it, try again.
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So that's what I'm going to do with them this week.
391
I see.
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It's a full session.
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One session.
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What do you feel in thinking about meeting with them again?
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I'd be nervous.
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You'd be nervous.
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No, tell me.
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Yeah.
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I'd be worried that she was still trapped and terrified.
400
Mm -hmm.
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My guess is they've stayed together and they're going to come back
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and it's going to try to be the same kind of session, although it's the last one because they haven't moved anywhere.
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They haven't resolved anything.
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I want to know where they're at
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and how they're doing to make sure they each feel like they got to own the story despite the fact
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that they left in the middle.
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Yeah.
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I want to pretend it's okay.
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Yeah.
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Because it's not okay.
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Yeah.
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I don't know what to say, but it just feels ominous.
413
Mm -hmm.
414
So, how are you two?
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I think we're pretty good.
416
I mean, yeah.
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I think we are good.
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I think circumstances of our lives have not changed particularly.
419
No. But...
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But I think we're...
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I think we're more than good.
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Yeah.
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So how'd you do that?
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Do you want to answer?
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I think what was happening around the last time that we saw you
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was big shifts and a lot of fear for both of us about our situation.
427
And I think somehow it felt like if I signed on or co -signed Forrest's unhappiness,
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that that would mean I'd have to give up what I had just gotten, which was my time.
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But if you acknowledged that it would open the doors to having that taken away from you.
430
Yeah, we'd have to renegotiate everything all over again, and I would.. lose what you had longed for so long to get.
431
Yeah.
432
Right, and, you know, that was really hard for me because I felt like I was...
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I was in despair.
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Um...
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I also had huge hopes pinned on this new part of our lives, and it was the very opposite of what I hoped for in every way.
436
So I was in a bad place.
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I was kind of like reaching for a little comfort, having a hard time finding it.
438
That was making it worse.
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It was just a dark time.
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And I think coming here temporarily exacerbated all of that.
441
Because there was a lot of talking about it that happened here, and it had a very long tail that pursued us for days after the session.
442
Yeah, and it was a very, you talked about it very differently a few months ago.
443
Yes.
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So it just felt like we can't actually,
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we're not strong enough to withstand the initial blow that this process delivers before it begins potentially to help.
446
Mm -hmm.
447
I frankly I did not really understand why is the talking
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not working why why don't you feel understood why don't you
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feel understood like you're saying things to each other here
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that sounded to me like wait this should be landing one
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of you should feel heard understood like something should land
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and it didn't yeah I think like when we are not feeling connected Um,
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the othering that happens is very intense.
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And he was like, you're just another parent who doesn't understand.
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Yeah, I alienize her.
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Um, I have been doing this to Jessica since we met.
457
Mm -hmm.
458
And I think it accumulates.
459
Mm -hmm.
460
And I think you've very justifiably gotten fairly sick of it.
461
Mm -hmm.
462
Yeah.
463
Like, it wasn't just that we stopped coming here.
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Like, I asked you to leave.
465
Yeah, yeah, that's one of the things you said here last time you were here.
466
Yeah, and so what happened then? So
467
Jessica just asked me to leave but like I really kept dragging my feet on responding to her request and what
468
Jessica didn't know was
469
that for about three months I had been planning like a
470
complicated weekend long to do around her birthday in the city
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and I am terrible at keeping secrets
472
but I had somehow miraculously through three months managed to keep this secret
473
and I wasn't gonna give it up now just
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because I've been asked to move out just
475
because my marriage is falling apart I'm not gonna give up the secret
476
so we got to have the weekend together and um a lot of fun things happened like what
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just everything worked out the way it's supposed to work out.
478
One of the funnest things that we did is we went to a club and danced until all hours of the night.
479
And, like, it was just so relaxed.
480
Everybody was so friendly.
481
The music was great.
482
The people were great.
483
It was just an awesome evening.
484
And it just seemed to just, like, create that little bit of extra room in Jessica to hear where I was.
485
Yeah.
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And it was all that I needed.
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Like, just that little bit of extra hearing made me feel less alone and just made it easier to survive the days.
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We'd never gone dancing before, ever, together.
489
And something about you meeting me on the childlike delight plane
490
made it much easier to accept the layers on top of that.
491
Unhappy Boris, tortured Boris, um, scared Boris.
492
Like, all of those layers became easier to invite in because I could connect to the core of it.
493
What did you see in the child Boris?
494
So, I did this really cool workshop this weekend.
495
Like, to address trauma, you story tell.
496
So you put someone in the chair, you put yourself in the chair, but you tell the trauma in third person.
497
So instead of doing my own trauma for the sake of the exercise, I decided to tell Boris's story instead.
498
What did you tell?
499
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Boris who was born in the Soviet Union.
500
And despite the fact that he was born in the Soviet Union and his parents and family were Jewish,
501
he lived like a little prince and his family decided that they would move to America and everything changed.
502
And he wasn't the little prince anymore.
503
Now he was the little king.
504
And with kingship came responsibilities that the little prince didn't have
505
because the little king had people looking to him for answers and decisions.
506
but the longer he did it the more resentful he got
507
and the more resentful he got the harder it was to keep playing the little king
508
and then he met a blonde haired woman who looked like freedom But very quickly,
509
they got married and they had kids.
510
And all of a sudden, that freedom looked a lot like the responsibilities of kingship.
511
And he just saw that promise fade away into a long,
512
gray tunnel of the exact same responsibilities he'd been hoping that he could be free of.
513
you just haven't had a time when you didn't have a title
514
how nice would it have been if you weren't a prince
515
or a king or a father or a husband
516
or anything in particular but you could just be whatever the fuck you are without any of that and
517
it is amazing it is amazing to be understood in this way
518
because you know I wish I had some carefree child years
519
but my god does it feel amazing to be understood this way by your partner right and that
520
helps you transcend that former that other feeling yeah um and that's a pretty good trade -off oh
521
and i intend to have a really rambunctious retirement once they're off to college
522
but yeah i'm sorry go ahead i want to ask you something just for my own
523
curiosity having done some time with you do you think there would have been another way to work here
524
that would have helped the two of you get to this place
525
If there could have been some way to help us see the childlike core of each other,
526
as opposed to the hardened adult personas and responses that had been calcified over time,
527
both individually and in our coupledom, then maybe there could have been connection.
528
I don't know what that would look like.
529
You would have had to go dancing with us.
530
I would have loved that.
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Prime impressioni: perché questo video è ottimo per parlare inglese
Il dialogo tra Boris, Jessica e il terapeuta è un materiale perfetto per esercitarti a parlare inglese. La conversazione è naturale, ricca di emozioni e situazioni reali, come le crisi coniugali o i problemi di stabilità. Questi contesti ti aiutano a capire non solo le parole, ma anche il tono e le espressioni colloquiali che usano le persone nella vita quotidiana. E se vuoi migliorare la pronuncia inglese o esercitarti con il shadowing in inglese, non c'è niente di meglio di un video dove le voci sono chiare e i dialoghi fluiscono come nella vita reale.
Scomponiamo il dialogo: 3 frasi che insegnano l'inglese naturale
- "We are just aliens to each other": Boris usa "aliens" per dire che si sentono stranieri l'un l'altro. È un metafora semplice ma efficace, tipica del linguaggio colloquiale. Impara a usare simili espressioni per rendere le tue frasi più vivide.
- "My stuff got kind of like put back": Jessica usa "kind of like" per softener l'affermazione, un modo comune per non sembrare troppo diretto. Questo è cruciale per parlare in modo naturale: le frasi non sono mai "perfette", ma flessibili.
- "I would call the moving company": Boris usa il condizionale per esprimere un'idea ipotetica. La struttura "I would + verbo" è fondamentale per parlare di azioni che non sono reali, ma ipotetiche.
Una routine di pratica: shadowing e registrazione per migliorare
Per usare questo video al massimo, prova questa routine: shadow speech (o shadowing in inglese). Ripeti ogni frase del dialogo immediatamente dopo averla sentita, cercando di imitare la pronuncia, l'intonazione e il ritmo. Poi, registra te stesso: ascolta la differenza tra la tua versione e il video. Noterai che con il tempo, la tua pronuncia inglese diventerà più fluida. Ripeti questo esercizio per 10-15 minuti al giorno, concentrandoti su frasi che ti sembrano difficili. È un modo semplice ma efficace per imparare l'inglese con i video e diventare più confidente nel parlare.
La grammatica di questo video
Le strutture che chi parla usa di più, con le parole esatte del video:
| Struttura | Nel video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — un’azione iniziata prima e ancora in corso | we've been searching · have been doing |
| Frasi condizionali if + frase, will/would + verbo — una condizione e il suo risultato | if you acknowledged that it would open |
| Present perfect have/has + participio passato — un’azione passata che conta ancora adesso | we've been · have become · I've been |
| Forma passiva be + participio passato — conta ciò che accade, non chi lo fa | been unwanted · was attracted · I've been shifted |
Cos'è la tecnica dello Shadowing?
Shadowing è una tecnica di apprendimento delle lingue supportata da studi scientifici, originariamente sviluppata per la formazione dei traduttori professionisti e resa popolare dal poliglotta Dr. Alexander Arguelles. Il metodo è semplice ma potente: ascolti un audio in inglese di madrelingua e lo ripeti immediatamente ad alta voce — come un'ombra che segue il parlante con un ritardo di solo 1–2 secondi. A differenza dell'ascolto passivo o degli esercizi di grammatica, lo shadowing costringe il tuo cervello e i muscoli della bocca a elaborare e riprodurre simultaneamente i modelli di discorso reale. La ricerca dimostra che migliora significativamente la precisione della pronuncia, l'intonazione, il ritmo, il discorso connesso, la comprensione dell'ascolto e la fluidità del parlato — rendendolo uno dei metodi più efficaci per la preparazione alla prova di speaking dell'IELTS e per la comunicazione reale in inglese.