Shadowing Practice: 5 Ways to be a Better Communicator | Jefferson Fisher Clips - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Give me the five things that you think are most important for anyone who's striving to be a masterful communicator,
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conversationalist, to get what they want out of life, which is really what I think is the last domino
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when we talk about body language or communication tactics or all the things we're talking about.
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I think people are trying to get something out of life, whether it's to have a better relationship or to be respected or get a promotion, to be successful.
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I think that's probably the output we're looking for, ultimately.
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Do you agree with that?
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I don't want to, like, what is it that, what's the last domino that people are looking for when they talk about this stuff up here?
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Self -worth.
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Self -worth, okay.
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Am I enough?
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Am I enough, okay.
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So what are the five most important things to summarize, if you had to give me five?
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The first is authenticity city.
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If I cannot be genuine with you, if I cannot be real with you, then I can be nobody to you.
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And on authenticity, you know, on your bad day, are you still authentic at work?
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Yes.
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Like if you're, if you're really, you know, having a bad day, do you show up to work as your authentic self?
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I would say yes.
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I mean, there's obviously certain parameters that are within social norms of just
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because i'm having a bad time and a bad mood does
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that give me a right to rip you a new one uh just
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because you said hello to me that morning you know no
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but i i think that there is certainly a space to say don't act like you're happy
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when you're not what about lying is that a violation of authenticity
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so colleague comes up to me they say what do you think of my new
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haircut and you think it's terrible yeah what do you what do you say it's an interesting choice
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That probably is what I'd say.
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So you wouldn't lie?
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No, I wouldn't.
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I would probably change it to where it's, I'm glad that they like it.
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You know, I don't have to like it for you to give it any type of worth.
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If you like it, that's awesome.
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And authenticity as a strategy builds trust over time.
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So that's a long -term game, I guess.
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Yeah.
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No, I came across some research recently where it was in social settings,
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those that are more authentic are also the ones that are more trusted and the ones you want to be around more.
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Why do people struggle with authenticity?
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It goes back to this point about people -pleasing, I guess, but there is a certain type of person, I think, that probably struggles to just be,
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you know, just to show up in all the ways that they are, to be themselves.
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They grew up in places that weren't safe, whether physically or emotionally.
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They grew up unsafe and
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so they're always tense they're always anxious they're always worried about
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the next shoe to drop they can't rest you see people
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that had come from very hard harsh environments you'll see the survival skills
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that have come out of that it's because they simply didn't have a place to be safe number two
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reduce the amount of distraction reduce distraction is
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that the same as saying like increase presence well
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that is the benefit of it yeah
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if you want to increase your presence you have to eliminate distractions and
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that means eliminate how often you're on your phone I've got
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some thread here do you know why this is here yes well you explain well I mean
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so just a piece of very pretty red string
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and this string is going to represent the connection between the two of us
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so give you the end of it what I just gave you is a piece of string it
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and it connects between your hand and my hands
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and it's taught right now
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so this string right now represents the connection between us in
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conversation it's tight it's very tight I'm gonna ask questions throughout this that don't think about what the right answer is.
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Just go with what your gut instinct of how it feels.
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So right now, it's tight.
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And if I look at you in the eye and I say, Stephen, how's it going, man?
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It's going good, yeah.
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Yeah?
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What was something that frustrated you yesterday?
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My haircut didn't go to plan.
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Tell me about it.
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It's just not good.
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I don't like it.
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Do you find that some of the biggest struggles you had yesterday was mostly with business
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or personal? or tell me something with business um struggles with business yes oh go ahead okay
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so you're on your phone now and the connection has been reduced um yeah
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so i just pulled out my phone and now i'm looking
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and what did you feel in the line i felt like
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the tightness went it went loose yeah i went slack all right
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but that's the physical was emotionally how did that of you.
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It felt disrespectful.
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Yeah, and see if I had just both had both hands on it like this Now let's put it taught again,
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and I'm talking to you and I say so what's what are you looking forward to this weekend?
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I'm looking forward to No, go ahead.
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And this is me just turn it's still tight.
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Don't worry.
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It's I still I'm connected to you know Don't worry about it.
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I'm right here.
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Go ahead.
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Yeah Exactly.
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You see how all of a sudden you wanted to let go now.
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Yeah.
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Yeah for anybody listening So we both had it tight.
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I look at my phone while still holding it tight, where I'm saying, no, no, I'm listening.
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Go right ahead.
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And all of a sudden, you are the one that let go of the line.
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Yeah.
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Isn't that something?
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Because all of a sudden, you gave up on the conversation.
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You didn't want to be in it anymore.
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What do you typically do if somebody's at dinner with you, and they pull out their phone?
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I mean, you look away, or you can speak to someone else.
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Or you pull out your phone.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Exactly.
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It's like they've given you permission to now pick up their phone.
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Somebody gets on theirs, and you don't want to look awkward or odd, so you don't want to get out yours.
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The next thing you know, both of you are on your phones at dinner.
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We were supposed to be communicating with each other, and you're just staring at your phone.
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I sometimes think this with me being an interviewer, having this iPad in front of me.
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I'm like, should I get rid of the iPad?
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Maybe I should, because I write things down while someone's speaking to me, And I do worry sometimes that if I'm like looking at a particular point or fact or whatever that I'm.
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It's a little bit different.
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So there's a part of this that is it's a production.
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We have cameras.
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We have lights.
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Like this isn't a normal just if you and I were having coffee.
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But let's say you and I were having lunch
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and I'm talking like this to you and I put my phone right here.
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Do you feel a difference?
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Yeah, I do.
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Do you feel I'm more connected or less connected?
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Less connected.
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Yeah, and if I...
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I'm amongst priorities, not the priority.
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Do you feel any different if I flip it over?
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Yes, I do.
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And my face is down.
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Yes, I do.
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That's a signal. Of?
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That you think this is more important and you don't want to be distracted.
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Imagine, what would you feel like if you were on a date or got together with a friend and you just said,
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hey, where's your phone?
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He said, oh, I just left it in the car.
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I just wanted to sit with you.
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Yeah, it's incredible.
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Does anybody do that?
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No. No, nobody does that.
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But imagine if right now there was, let's say, a woman is about to go on a date, and she asks the guy, where's your phone?
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And he goes, oh, I left it in the car.
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I mean, what kind of what?
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You think he was kind of weird.
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Yeah, almost like, what?
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You mean you want to be solely interested in me?
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I'm signaling that there's nothing else more important than what's going on right here.
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That's such atypical behavior some people might see it as a red flag no that's probably true
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but if i have right here even
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if i put it face down on the table
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and i'm talking to you i'm at least still having my
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world my business my stress my chaos it's my it's my
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pacifier you know you're not gonna ask me to take away my blanket are you yeah
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and so i'm still it's still there in the conversation with us
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so even if i put it down or i put it between my legs
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or i put it in my pocket
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which i think is much better of not letting it come out at all
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but it's what's the strength of the connection because we've all been
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that person like we just showed with the string where they get out their phone
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while you're talking and like yeah yeah uh right go ahead
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and you go i don't want this yeah you let go
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because it's like that's this isn't real this isn't real connection so
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if you want to be a better communicator you have to
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understand the definition of true connection that's keeping it taught i'm
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so shocked when i go to restaurants with my girlfriend
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because we have a rule and this is actually a rule
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that i completely agreed with yeah yeah yeah which is like
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when we go on a date
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or we go to a restaurant there's no phones exactly we're
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not going to be on our phones in a restaurant it's mind -blowing mind -blowing we went to um
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when we were we've been here all this week and
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and we went to a restaurant uh sierra and i
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and i saw so many couples and people and friends and
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that were just at the table and it was it was dark evening
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and all you see is the glow of phones is everybody
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just sitting there on their phone it's just it's it's crazy to me
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or or the people that are on their couch with the tv on
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and both of them are on their phones and
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and they're supposed to be watching a movie together you know everyone people watches a little bit yeah yeah
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so i'm not gonna pretend we don't yeah at least i'm not gonna do
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that yeah yeah but so we we will be in a restaurant
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and we just sometimes play a little game where we kind
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of guess how long people have been together based on how they're behaving oh i like
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that yeah that's fun and so it's it tends to be the case
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that it's the younger couples where there's a man and a woman
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and they're both on their phone
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and i just can't believe what i'm saying yeah that's pretty well i got my phone a lot
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but if i'm on a date i am not going to be sat there looking at a screen
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while she's sat there looking on a screen just in total silence even
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if i've known this woman for 35 years yeah
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it's become so much of a an emotional pacifier
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when i don't like the angst of having to wait in
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line by myself i don't like having to sit on the the subway
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or the tube or the metro
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or whatever by myself i get out i get out my phone i don't it prevents me from having to have
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dialogue so instead i'd rather just look at my phone and watch and scroll versus communicating Like, there's, imagine waiting for your haircut,
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and everybody in the room is actually talking to one another, like they used to.
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And it would just be wild to you.
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Everybody in the doctor's office, in the waiting room, everybody's looking at their phone.
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So, yeah, to me, it's such a distraction.
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And that means even at the house, too.
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I think even more so when it comes to the house.
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So that was point number two, which was reducing distraction, and therefore increasing presence.
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Three, stop over -explaining.
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You have to invest in the right words, meaning if you are constantly just gushing words the whole time,
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does it make you want to listen to that person more or less?
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Oh, yeah.
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I mean, you just kind of discount it.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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All of a sudden, it's kind of like that story about the boy who cried wolf.
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You talk so much that the message gets lost.
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If I'm always talking a lot, it's easy to tune it out.
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It's like it becomes its own static.
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But if you choose your words, if I'm going to slow down, so how do you stop yourself from over -explaining?
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Instead of being a waterfall, be a well.
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Meaning rather than trying to gush out information, get them swept away in your message, you have a confidence in holding your knowledge.
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If they have a question, they'll ask.
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You're available for the question should they want to ask.
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I'm going to give you always exactly what you need
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if I choose to be a well with my information rather than just gushing.
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Because when I over -explain, all somebody's doing is indicating that I don't really know if I believe what I'm saying or you believe what I'm saying, so I need to say more.
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I notice there's such power in when someone asks you a question, taking a moment to think
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and actually sometimes i notice some people will actually say let me just think about
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that and the minute they do
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that i'm i'm immediately doing the opposite of discounting what they
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say i'm now actually at bated breath to think about to
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hear this very thoughtful considered thing they're about to share with
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me right whereas you see a lot of people do the
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opposite the minute they're asked anything it's just like the floodgates open yes
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and they start filling the silence with
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and they start thinking out loud exactly they're the external thinkers What I teach is let your first word be your breath,
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meaning when you put a breath where the first word should be, everything else flows.
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If I start gushing, what I'm signaling is,
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you know, I don't, most people wait until they're talking to figure out what they want to say.
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Yeah.
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And so they say, well, what I mean to say is, well, I say all that to say because they're still trying to figure it out.
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But if you were to ask me a really hard question, and rather than having that knee -jerk reaction, I go, that's a good question.
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Let me think.
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Then you're going to be in it.
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You're going to know whatever is about to come out has actually been thought about, is actually going to be something you want to listen to.
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Now you're going to be more curious.
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Now you wait with a bated breath of what's going to happen.
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So when you think of business meetings, the person who goes, oh, actually, you know, I disagree with that.
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If you look at our latest studies and they just start, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Versus when somebody asks, you know, Stephen, what do you think?
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And you go, and you just hold that silence.
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It's like a cliffhanger.
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Everybody wants to hear what you said.
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People who are confident, they don't have to say something to show they know something.
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They choose their moment.
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They choose their timing.
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It appears they're also the people that are most likely to turn around and say, I don't have the answer to that.
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Yep.
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People who are truly confident know they don't always have to get it right.
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They know that they will get it wrong.
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Confident people, confidence does not mean you have to know all the answers.
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Confidence means you know that you don't.
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When you have the confidence of knowing I don't know everything, all of a sudden you sound a lot more real there's
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also something about you just being the type of person that's willing to sit in silence
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but also just take up more space and time
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that signals respect the very fact
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that you would have the audacity to say someone asks me a question
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and I go hmm let me just think about
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that for a second it means that I'm not you you talked about rushing earlier, I don't rush.
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and there's something about quite aura about that about the fact
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that you you're not the type of you're the type of person
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that can just take seven seconds right
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because you are it's you're you're kind of stealing seven seconds from everyone there right
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so that you can think and you would think
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that the the harder the issue the more time
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that is necessary you would think and instead everybody's equated it to immediate it think
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when let's say we're on a ship and it we're in the middle of a storm, who's the person that they all look to to say,
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I'm freaking out, I'm scared, but the captain isn't.
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You know, this person knows, she knows.
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And we're constantly looking for that person in times of emotional stress.
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We're wanting someone to, you know, I'm too anxious, but I can go to this person.
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Because in times of crisis, they say you walk, don't run.
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When I act like I've been there before and I've seen this, I'm telling everybody else, oh,
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well, if he's not worried, I shouldn't be worried.
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If he's not upset, I don't have to be upset.
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A lot of doctors, a lot of professionals that deal with conflict and crisis management, it's their job to be as calm as could be.
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Because if they reacted in a way that set you off
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or set you on edge well then there's no there's no anchor
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and then it's and then it's a bad place to be
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but yeah just having that let me think about
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that for a second has a different tune of oh wow this person
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they know who they are they i don't rush that's just
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not what i do it reminds me of every time i've had turbulence on a plane
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and i've looked at the flight attendant to see
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if this thing is going down that's so good yes i've done
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that i can't tell you how many times i've done
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that where i'm looking at the the hostess like just walking going still passing out snacks
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and not bother i'm like okay if we do
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that in conversation every day we're looking for the calm flight
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attendants we're looking for the anchors the captains the people who in times of stress
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and turbulence in our life we can look to and say
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if they're okay and if they're good then i'm then i can be good
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and when you can be
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that person for others you're a leader now always you are
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the leader this is probably the defining trait of i think people
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that i have employed over the years that i would consider a leader
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or not a leader is how different they are
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when shit has hit the fan yes and
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if there is seemingly no difference in the way they're conducting
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themselves leader yep emotional regulator they bring the temperature down
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and then you have the inverse where the minute any kind of sign of trouble there's stress there's there's overwhelm
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and it's contagious and what they need is the calm flight attendant to regulate them.
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So I think, and people I think who want to be leaders in their professional lives should really think about this.
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Like, how do you show up when things are hard?
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I always tell the story of one of my friends called Oliver, who, when I employed him, must have been seven, eight years ago.
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Okay, he wasn't my friend when I hired him.
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But the defining trait of Oliver was that he would deliver me good and bad news
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uh the same yeah with the same sort of nonchalant calm demeanor
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so he'd walk up to me
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and say you know we've just signed uber across america we're gonna be there
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and then the days where everything was on fire he'd walk
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up to me see him clever chat i say yeah yeah cool he'd say just
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so you know
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and then he'd deliver some of the worst shit i've ever heard of my entire life
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but he'd I do it in such a calm way that I both, I was calm, and I thought he had it under control.
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Right.
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And I remember always thinking, I need to put more people under this guy because he's going to bring us down.
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And so I just think as employers, I wouldn't have known that my boss or my employer is thinking this unless someone had said it to me.
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They're watching how I deal with things when shit hits the fan.
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They're always watching.
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Always.
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I mean, you take people that are watching you and your team.
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You have a large team.
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When you are upset and anxious, everybody feels it.
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It spreads.
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But if you're the one that's calm, that spreads too.
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And so it's – and you have to get to the situation where if you're upset, then people know it's something to be upset about.
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If – I had a friend in college.
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He was upset about everything.
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I mean, he just was a hothead and you get upset about the smallest things.
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How can you possibly tell the difference between what is a small thing
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and a big thing if you're always having the same level of reaction?
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But if you have a calmness, and let's say then you have an explosion because it happens because you're human, that's when people know this is something serious.
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Because if you always operate at a 10, nobody's going to appreciate it when it's really an 11.
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When you think about, like, military generals and leaders, they also have this other side to them, which is they do also protect the standard.
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And I think there's a balance that's almost needed here between being nonchalant in those moments where something bad's happened, we can't control it now,
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and then how you defend the standard.
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So, like, you watch the military barracks or whatever
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when they're going through training these leaders are like screaming at
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them about the standards about the buttons about iron your shirt make your boots clean
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and so it appears on one end that they are petty about something
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and they are you know they are these leaders are emotional you don't think football football managers yeah
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or sporting managers yeah they almost exist in a bit of a dichotomy
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which is like knowing when to be controlled and then knowing
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when to be emotionally seemingly emotionally irrational about something yeah
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and i think those in those um specific situations are also
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part of a system you know this is a system
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that they've seen produce the outcome that they want so they know
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that there's a utility to having that big reaction
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or there's a purpose behind it what i find is the negative is
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when you have people who there's not a utility they just they don't have have the words.
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The leaders who, let's say, curse a lot because they don't really have the vocabulary,
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you know, they would rather have big emotional reactions.
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But when you have that type of language that is not going to show that you're in control of your emotions, you're just less believable.
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So that was number three.
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Stop over -explaining yourself.
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The second one was reducing distractions and the first was authenticity.
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Number four.
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Know how to deal with their sadness.
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A lot of people are hurting that you don't know are hurting
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and a lot of people are grieving that you don't know are grieving.
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Whether it's the holidays, whether it's an important date or event that you don't know about in their life and they're hurting and grieving.
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If you really want to be a top level communicator, you need to know not to say, well, not only when the times are good, but also when the times are, are bad.
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And how does, how does one be there for someone when they're going through their moments of sadness?
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Is there any principles that one should think about?
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Yeah.
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When somebody is grieving, what you do not do is begin with, let me know if.
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if what you are about to say begins with let me know if, it's the wrong thing to say.
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Let me know if you need anything.
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Let me know if I can do anything for you.
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Just let me know.
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Anything you need, let me know.
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All you're doing is giving them a chore.
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This person's already grieving at this moment.
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They're going through something you don't even know how to feel
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and you're now giving them a chore of they're supposed to be on their own
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to have the ability to pull out their phone text their
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need to you that's never gonna happen have you ever had somebody say let me know
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if you need anything actually let you know that they needed something never
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because you've now now you've made it more comfortable on you and now more of an obligation on them.
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And we go, well, you know what?
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I said all I need to say.
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Let me know if you need anything.
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Let me know how I can help, right?
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When all you've done is just given them an obligation, you've burdened it even more.
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Of course, they don't want to burden you.
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They don't want to live in some of these moments.
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They don't want to exist.
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They don't know how to do it.
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And saying, let me know if, isn't going to help them.
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Instead, here's what you do when somebody's grieving.
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You do the thing.
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Whatever you thought about doing, go do it.
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If you wanted to bring them dinner or said, let me know if you need any food, just go get them food.
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Go do the task.
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Go run the errand.
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Go show up and do their laundry.
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Go mow their yard for them.
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Go do the thing.
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If I really want you to be there for me and you really want to be there for the other person,
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you don't have to ask you just go do and second of all I find a lot of time people
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who are with somebody who's grieving they don't know what to
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say they want to say something like I want to say
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something I don't I really know what to say I just
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I feel uncomfortable what I say is not going to be enough
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and so they just stare at their phone
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and they kind of text out a sentence and they delete it
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because they don't really know what to say the best thing
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to say is just to validate how you would assume it's
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going to be feeling for them nobody deserves what happened that this is totally unfair.
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I can't believe that this happened.
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Nobody deserves this.
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Be able to express and confirm that what they're feeling is exactly what they should be feeling.
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Don't go in with the, at least they're in a better place.
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Hey, you know what?
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Everything happens for a reason.
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That's not the right time to say that, if ever.
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To be able to try and make them feel better of, oh, you know, I just, at least they're, you know, not, is there anything I can do?
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Any of that kind of stuff?
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It's like, yeah, I know what you can do.
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You can bring that person back.
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That's what you can do.
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That's not going to happen.
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You can't do that.
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And so you catch yourself in a corner where you genuinely have an interest.
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How many times people say, you're in our thoughts.
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You're my thoughts and prayers.
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Thoughts and prayers, you know, praying for you.
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And they haven't once sent up a prayer, right?
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They're just saying it.
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If you really mean it, text out the prayer to them.
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Text the prayer.
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Dear God, I just ask that you be with Stephen right now?
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Send the prayer to them.
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Why not encourage them in that versus just saying, hey, just keeping you in my thoughts.
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If you are, then text them, thinking about you, no need to respond.
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You think just putting it in a Facebook comment is going to do enough?
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Just hear it in our prayers.
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That's not connection, and that's not authentic.
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That's the easy shortcut i think i've spent my whole life
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struggling with those moments where some something bad has happened to someone
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or they've been through something and yeah you you found out over text message
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and you don't know what to say you're like i'm
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so sorry um and the amount of times i've written something
445
and then deleted it and written something and then deleted it
446
and i actually got some feedback from samir um who is a very well -known youtuber creator
447
and he's he's part of a youtube channel called colin and samir their houses burnt down in the palisades fire
448
and i'd say what four five six months later he came up to me in new york and said um
449
thank you for the message you sent me because it was specific
450
and i and i've got there's a clip we have a clip of it
451
because we're recording at the time we were i'd just come off stage and he was
452
at his at his event in new york
453
and he'd come up to me and said it and it always stayed with me that he remembered six months later.
454
I didn't even really remember the message I sent.
455
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
456
He remembered six months later that when his house had burnt down, they both just had, I think they both had like less than one -year -old kids, and then both of the houses had burnt down.
457
I sent him something specific I could help him with.
458
I can't remember the details of what I said, but he came up and said, thank you for sending me something.
459
Lots of people sent me messages, but I remember you sent me something specific.
460
That hits the theme of when you stop trying to be what's most convenient to you
461
and start doing what might be just a slightly little bit more uncomfortable, a little bit more work, a choice to do something different and be more specific in the thought,
462
to not just say, so sorry to hear, right?
463
That's injustice.
464
I mean, that doesn't even touch it but
465
if you were to say you were to say what is
466
happening is totally unfair i agree with it be specific with
467
it same thing with it's the same with compliments the more
468
specific it is the more genuine it is the person
469
that you remember the longest is the person who's able to be right there with you
470
and say exactly what you're feeling in that moment
471
and make a genuine offer to support a real yes
472
and also not as you said at the start not an offer that they have to accept
473
because no one accepts them yeah or the make it a condition
474
that they have to reach out to you in order to
475
you consider giving it yeah instead of just doing it or
476
or even when you feel that like i don't really know what to to say
477
but i'm you know what if i were them this is what i'd want and go do the thing.
478
Otherwise, don't say it if you don't mean it.
479
I mean, that's just the, to me, that's a sign of you're,
480
you're not their person because there's so many people that are just fair weather friends that they, they want to be there and be part of the success.
481
But when your face is on the floor and you're at rock bottom, the people you'll remember are the people that show up amen i've heard
482
that so many times from my guests on this podcast where they talk about their hardest moment
483
and it's always who who showed up in that moment
484
that um number five
485
if you want to be a better communicator you have to
486
know how to handle the insults the backbiting the dismissive the belittling the patronizing the words
487
that people use to try and inflict pain what do I do?
488
If you want to handle somebody who's trying to hurt you with their words,
489
the first thing you have to do is have a bunch of silence where it's five to seven seconds of nothing.
490
Make it enough to where it's uncomfortable, where they know this is not going to be fun.
491
Number two is you ask them to repeat it.
492
I need you to say that again.
493
I need you to repeat that most of the time people can't do it
494
and number three if i need to i ask them did you mean did you mean for that to sound
495
rude did you mean for that to sound short did you mean for that to sound
496
upsetting and what it does is allow you to be able to
497
operate in a way that doesn't allow their words to hurt you or to touch you or to cut you
498
Whenever somebody is saying something that's to belittle you or insult you, they're putting a big spotlight on themselves, and they're hoping to throw it onto you to get your reaction.
499
So they're going to say something hurtful to you, and then it's like, well, they're turning the spotlight right to you.
500
And then when you ask a question, when you have a bunch of silence, it allows their words to kind of echo back to them.
501
And a lot of people will, before they even have to say anything, they'll go, I shouldn't have said that.
502
The more silence you have, the more awkward it becomes and they kind of have to take it back.
503
They realize you didn't take the bait.
504
But when you put the spotlight and you ask the question, did you mean for that to embarrass me?
505
Did you mean for that to sound hurtful?
506
They can't bear the thought of saying yes to that.
507
So they have to tweak it.
508
They have to fix it.
509
They have to go, no, no, no. I mean, what I meant to say was, and they go a different way.
510
Now, if they were to double down and say, yes, that's exactly what I meant, you could decide thank you for letting me know i was
511
thinking about like the neuroscience of what's going on there yeah
512
when you get someone to admit
513
that they're hurtful um i remember interviewing some neuroscientists who talked about this idea of cognitive dissonance
514
which is where like we all have a perception of who we are
515
and i guess by what you're doing there you're
516
creating the cognitive dissonance
517
which is the cognitive mental discomfort by making me kind of
518
look in the mirror who i who i just acted like
519
if i i don't think i'm a hurtful person
520
if i say something super hurtful and then you ask me
521
if i meant to be hurtful you're immediately like speaking to my identity yes
522
and i don't want to i'm not a hurtful person right
523
and that's causing the dissonance
524
which is the sort of the disparity between who i think i am
525
and how i just behaved yes and
526
so i have to alleviate one of them i have to
527
make sense nobody believes they're on the side of bad they always think they're in the sight of good
528
so you by you saying that to me i immediately have to confirm right
529
that i am a person who is intent on hurting others
530
yes that's not at all what i wanted to do i
531
just wanted to gaslight you a little bit yeah i just want to cause you pain yeah
532
and so in that moment it's what they're thinking
533
and feeling is i want you to hurt like i'm hurting i want you i want to feel the control
534
because i don't have a sense of control now i'm feeling a certain way i'm upset
535
so if i can make you upset well then i can have now i can feel better
536
and more justified about how i'm feeling and
537
so some people will especially the manipulative ones they'll be upset say something to make you upset
538
and then turn around and go i don't know why you're
539
so upset i'm fine i'm just fine i don't know why you're you're
540
so upset and
541
because they've just left you in it now now they all
542
they've done is just pass it on to you like i don't like this feeling
543
so now i'm gonna give it to you and i'm totally good what are you talking about
544
I had a situation in a gym a long time ago where I was on a machine
545
and a guy said that these machines were his
546
so he wanted to use them all
547
and he just came up to me this was a long long time ago
548
and he was so like out of pocket like he was you talked about being in the pocket
549
super emotional within like 15 seconds this sort of slightly older gentleman
550
and basically like asked me if I wanted to have a fight
551
and it was so bizarre to me that I felt like an observer
552
and genuinely anybody else seen this no it was him in the gym
553
and i was so i was i felt like david attenborough like i was just like
554
and i did and i inadvertently did what you said
555
which is my tone didn't change at all i spoke to
556
him like this yeah did you just ask me for a fight in the gym
557
and then the more because i asked genuinely like genuine curious questions
558
and it immediately disarmed him yes but don't do
559
that to strangers in the gym oh my god yeah
560
but that's what it is it's are you okay you know
561
it's you're having to like have to check on them for a second
562
because most of the time when you're hearing them yell
563
and say ugly things what they're truly signaling is I'm not
564
okay it's there's always something else that's going on I've done it before where somebody said something hurtful
565
and I said how did you expect me to respond to
566
that or how were you wanting me to respond to that or how did you think I was going to respond
567
and it's i've never had it where they go well i
568
expected you to say an insult like they it's always them backpedaling
569
and then trying to explain how they're feeling in that moment
570
because they they don't know they don't know how to to do it
571
but if i can stop put aside like you did your frustration
572
and say are you asking me for a fight right now you know is
573
that what you're really asking for
574
that kind of are you okay kind of thing that'll all
575
of a sudden your frustration now goes away you've changed the frame completely absolutely
576
because the frame they wanted was aggression maybe that's the the language
577
or the frame that they know as the way to solve problems
578
but yours was like in that scenario changed to curiosity
579
which was like what how did
580
that yeah anytime you actually have a mindset of instead of having something well don't have something to prove,
581
have something to learn.
582
And so in that moment, you could have easily tried to prove something.
583
Who do you think you're talking to?
584
Do you know what I, you could have played that card and said you actually got curious of what's going on here.
585
Are you asking me for, questions are powerful that way.
586
Questions are disarming for somebody who's trying to be aggressive with you because they're not looking for that type of mirror.
587
They don't want a mirror.
588
They don't want to see the ugly that they're putting out there
589
but anytime somebody has that very aggressive i have
590
so many people who go somebody said this to me and was so ugly and said this horrible thing
591
and they're looking for a quick comeback which i can give it to them but
592
if they really care about the relationship i say okay i
593
assume they said it at normal volume what's their need
594
and what are they really really feeling because
595
if you just respond to the reaction you're you're not going to hear the end of it
596
and we all have triggers same i definitely have mine i
597
can't i can't i can't say anything i'll tell you one of the biggest things that has helped me too in
598
any any if anybody's wanting to improve their personal relationships with a partner or anything
599
it's one is understanding validate first frustration comes next if i respond first with frustration, I'm going to lose every time.
600
So it's validating.
601
It's saying, of course you'd feel this way.
602
It totally makes sense.
603
I can see how you'd feel that way.
604
Acknowledging that it's okay for them to feel that way.
605
Otherwise, the partner's going to feel like I'm being too much.
606
And if I'm being too much, then you're going to leave.
607
It's the same sense of abandonment.
608
So if I can hit that, you're not being too much.
609
I have the capacity and I can be elastic in this relationship
610
because I'm not going to be my best self all the time too.
611
But if I can give you a safe space for you to be messy and me to be messy, then you're actually not going to have that relationship.
612
Number two, it's understanding that resets is your uno wild card, asking for a reset.
613
If I were to say, you know what, I didn't say that right.
614
You know what, can I try that again?
615
I didn't say that the best way, did I?
616
I could have done that better.
617
As soon as I start and ask for a reset, I've never had anybody told me no. Nobody goes, no, no, you have to stick with it right now.
618
Go ahead, keep failing.
619
Like we, in a video game, we wouldn't, why would you keep playing if you knew you were ultimately going to lose?
620
It's, you restart, you try again. And so
621
giving yourself the grace
622
and the other person the grace to have the ability to start over again is a necessary part of communicating in relationships.
623
And three is slice it thinner.
624
A lot of the times, if we're having a big conversation, somebody might bring up the past, that past thing, and we just kind of add it on
625
and climb it on when we start to kind of feel hopeless about it.
626
But if I can slice each issue by itself and say, I do want to talk about this, I want to address what's in front of us first,
627
that makes everything go a whole lot better.
628
But if I can slice each part and see the need and validate that, I've always seen that go better.
629
If you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here.
630
Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher podcast, click right here and I'll meet you there.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 630 sentences and 7458 words to shadow. The speech runs for 39:08. The speaker talks fast, about 191 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 87% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| silence noun | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | The absence of any sound. |
| prayer noun | /pɹɛɚ/ | A practice of communicating with one's God, or with some spiritual entity. |
| sudden adjective | /ˈsʌd.ən/ | Occurring quickly with little or no warning or expectation; instantly. |
| authenticity noun | /ɑθɛnˈtɪsɪti/ | The quality of being genuine or not corrupted from the original, of having the same origin (or attribution, commitment, intention, etc.) as claimed. |
| string noun | /stɹɪŋ/ | A long, thin and flexible structure made from threads twisted together. |
| genuine adjective | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.juˌɪn/ | Belonging to, or proceeding from the original stock; native. |
| authentic adjective | /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/ | Of the same origin as claimed; genuine. |
| emotionally adverb | /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/ | In an emotional manner; displaying emotion. |
| frustration noun | /fɹʌsˈtɹeɪ.ʃən/ | The feeling of annoyance at impossibility from resistance or inability to achieve something. |
| distraction noun | /dɪsˈtɹæk.ʃən/ | Something that distracts. |
| pocket noun | /ˈpɑ.kɪt/ | A bag stitched to an item of clothing, used for carrying small items. |
| rush verb | /ɹʌʃ/ | To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully. |
| mirror noun | /ˈmiɹɚ/ | A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it. |
| curious adjective | /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ | Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying. |
| ugly adjective | /ˈʌɡli/ | Displeasing to the eye; aesthetically unpleasing. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| go ahead verb | /ˌɡoʊ əˈhɛd/ | To proceed with; to begin. |
| come up to verb | To approach. | |
| get out verb | To leave or escape. | |
| pull out verb | To withdraw; especially of military forces; to retreat. | |
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. | |
| show up verb | To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically. | |
| look forward to verb | To anticipate, expect, or wait for, especially with a feeling of approval or pleasure; to be excited or eager to. | |
| stop over verb | To interrupt one's journey for a short (sometimes overnight) stay. |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 311 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, don't, you're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: authenticity /ɑθɛnˈtɪsɪti/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, thread /ˈθɹɛd/, bother /ˈbɑðɚ/, theirs /ðɛɚz/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, frustration /fɹʌsˈtɹeɪ.ʃən/, distraction /dɪsˈtɹæk.ʃən/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/
- Long words — get the stress right: authenticity /ɑθɛnˈtɪsɪti/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like silence, prayer, sudden.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | If they have a question, they'll ask |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have come · has been reduced · they've given |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | life, which is · yeah which is · two, which was |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | be respected · has been reduced · be distracted |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.