Shadowing Practice: Body language expert: 7 cues that make you instantly more likable | Full Interview - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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I'm Vanessa Van Edwards.
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I'm a behavioral researcher and best-selling author.
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My books Captivate and Cues teach people the 97 signals to be charismatic.
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I also teach communication at Harvard University and have online courses for smart people who want to learn social skills.
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Today on Big Think, I'm going to be talking about how to make a great first impression, how to create a memorable presence, and how to communicate with influence.
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Chapter 1.
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How to make a great first impression.
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A first impression is so important for every interaction.
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It's the foundation for a good interaction.
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If you can nail your first impression, in those first few seconds, everything in the interaction becomes easier.
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On the other hand, if you make an awkward or a bad or a disengaged first impression, everything about your connection becomes harder.
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Those first two seconds, you're trying to establish two things, presence and trust.
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The clearer you can signal your presence as memorable and effective, the easier your interaction will be.
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A big myth about first impressions is that your first impression happens the moment you start talking.
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I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your first impression happens the moment someone first sees you.
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That means you only have a few seconds, sometimes less than a second, to form that foundation of trust that you need for an entire interaction.
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The big question is, what is presence?
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There's foundational research from Dr. Susan Fisk that looks at how we connect with others.
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There are two essential elements for presence.
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First, warmth.
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This is your trust, your likability, your openness.
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But second, just as important, is your competence.
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That's your effectiveness, your capability, your productivity.
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When we first meet someone, we're trying to very quickly decide how warm are you and how competent are you.
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Specifically, as humans, we're trying to answer two basic questions.
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Can I trust you?
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Warmth.
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And can I rely on you?
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Competence.
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People with an incredible presence, a memorable presence, are very quickly trying to answer those two questions.
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And for you, the faster you can answer those two questions, you can trust me, you can rely on me, the more memorable and effective your presence is.
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When I first read this research and saw this amazing, basically a formula for presence on warmth and competence, there was one part of the research that made me take pause,
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and we have to mention it here.
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This is not your actual warmth and competence.
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It's your perceived warmth and competence.
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Meaning, you can be the smartest, most trustworthy person in the room, but if you're not clearly signaling that warmth and competence, people will not believe it.
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I think this is the most important aspect of presence.
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If you are showing up to your interactions authentically trustworthy, which I hope you are,
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and knowing your stuff, we have to clearly signal that with warmth and competence for people to believe in our presence.
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The goal is not to fake confidence.
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It's to align your inner intention with your outer expression.
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The question is, how do we read someone's warmth and competence?
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It all comes down to our cues.
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Cues are the subtle but powerful social signals humans send to each other.
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There are actually four channels of cues.
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First, our words.
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This is the channel we use the most.
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Yes, our words communicate our ideas.
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But actually, the words we use also signal our warmth and competence.
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The second channel is our nonverbal.
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So our body language, our facial expressions, our gestures.
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These also signal trust, warmth, and competence, reliability, or knowledge.
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The third channel is voice or vocal tonality.
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This is our volume, our pace, our cadence.
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How we say our words matters just as much as what we say.
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And the last, the smallest channel is our ornaments.
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So the colors we wear, the jewelry, what's behind us in our background, what's on our desk, the props we're holding in our profile photos.
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That also can signal warmth and competence.
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I like to split cues up into two buckets, positive and negative.
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Positive cues stimulate connection and engagement.
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They are crucial to a great first impression.
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The second bucket, negative cues.
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These signal disinterest, discomfort, anxiety.
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They begin to create difficult or friction-filled interactions.
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And what most people don't realize about cues is there's a cycle.
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In this way, we often decode cues in social settings.
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So we'll walk into a meeting or walk into a room and we decode the room.
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We read the room see what cues are being sent to us.
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Do people like us?
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Are they positive cues?
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Or do people not like us?
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Are they negative cues?
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And this is the second part of the cycle now.
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After we decode a cue, we internalize it.
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If someone just has sent us a cue of social rejection, our body goes, I'm not safe.
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And it begins to do the last part of the cycle, which is encoding.
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That's sending social signals back.
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To explain how cues work, I like to think of a study that changed the way way that I think about social signals.
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In this study, they brought people into their lab and they had them walk into a room of actors.
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The actors were instructed to send the participant a cue of social rejection.
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A cue of social rejection is very negative.
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It could be an eye roll.
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It could be a scoff.
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It's something that's designed to make us feel like we don't belong.
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What they found was when the participant saw the cue of social rejection, their own field of vision increased.
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Their pupils dilated so they could see more of the environment.
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Why?
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This is the cue cycle in action.
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They decoded a negative cue.
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They internalized it.
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Uh-oh, I'm not safe.
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And then they began to encode back nervousness and anxiety.
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What's critical to a first impression is showing up, encoding the right cues, sending social signals of warmth and competence,
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which hopefully others will internalize as, I can rely and trust this person, and they send warmth and competence signals back to us.
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This is the basis of all great social connections, especially at work.
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We are very attuned to people who are sending us positive cues, warmth and competence, so we can feel, ah, I'm in good hands.
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I can rely on this person.
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We also want to make sure that we are spotting the correct negative cues so we can disengage them or disarm them.
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Can we also debunk a myth here, which is the Albert Moravian study that 93% of our communication is nonverbal.
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That study was overgeneralized and unable to be repeated.
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Which means that, yes, a lot of our communication is nonverbal, but it's very hard to pinpoint exactly how much.
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Even Moravian himself cautioned against using this study too much and in every context.
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We do know that we often as humans look to nonverbal signals to see authenticity.
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So, for example, if I were to say to you, hey, I'm so happy to see you, you, you are more likely to believe my nonverbal over my words.
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In this way, we know that nonverbal makes up a critical amount of our communication and it should not be ignored.
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The goal in every interaction is to make our cues purposeful so that we are sending signals that put people at ease,
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that make them feel that they're in the right hand and they can actually open up to connect with you.
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Also, if we're purposeful and intentional with our cues, it puts us in the driver's seat.
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It makes us feel intentional and in control, which is the backdoor into confidence.
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The next question that we have to answer is, what do we do if someone sends us a negative cue?
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How do we stop it from hijacking our emotions?
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How do we make sure that we're internalizing it and not letting us throw us off our game?
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Luckily, there is amazing research from Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA.
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He devised a very interesting experiment.
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He brought people into his lab and he put them in fMRIs, scanned their brain, and he showed them pictures of fearful and angry faces.
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What he found is that when people were in the scanner and they saw the picture of a fearful or angry face, they in fact caught the emotion.
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That part of their amygdala that is very fear-based also lit up.
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In this way, emotions are contagious.
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If we see someone show us an angry face or a scared face, we catch that anger or fear.
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But here's the best part.
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When he taught them to say or label anger, fear, it disengaged the amygdala.
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It made it so that those participants no longer felt angry and afraid.
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In this way, learning how to label cues is super empowering.
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It's the only way that we can stop that hijacking process.
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The first cue I want to teach you is called a punctuator.
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So a punctuator is a habitual cue that someone uses.
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For example, you might have someone who punctuates with a surprise microexpression.
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That's when someone widens their eyes and opens their mouth.
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For them, they might be when they're curious, when they're happy.
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That would not mean they are constantly surprised.
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Everyone in your life probably has a punctuator they use out of habit.
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You probably have one as well.
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Before I teach you what all the cues mean, it's important to understand first what your punctuator is.
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A really easy way to do this is to watch a video of yourself, maybe a previous meeting recording, and watch yourself on silent.
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What nonverbal cue are you doing with your face, or your hands or your body that you do out of habit.
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Same thing with the people you work with or the people in your life.
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What are they punctuating with?
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For them, that is their nonverbal habit.
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First, let's talk about my favorite warmth cues in a first impression.
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What happens when you first see someone?
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You typically reach out for a handshake, a cheek kiss, a fist bump, a high-five, a hug, a side hug, but not those.
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This is your human-to-human instinct to reach out and touch.
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Now, touch has a lot of different meanings around the world, but what we do know is when one human touches another, we produce a little chemical called oxytocin.
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Oxytocin does a lot of things in our body, but for our social purposes, it's the chemical of connection.
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The moment you skin-to-skin touch with someone, you produce this chemical that is the feeling of connection.
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It makes you feel rapport.
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It makes you feel trust.
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The reason
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when we first meet someone we want to touch is we're trying to generate the exact chemical we need for warmth.
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So you have a few options when you first meet someone, and I highly recommend picking the one that you are most comfortable with that works in your culture.
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If you can reach out for a handshake, we typically like one to three pumps with a new person.
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You also might reach out for a cheek kiss or a high five.
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Those are also great as long as they're reciprocated.
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And know that the amount of touch increases the amount of oxytocin.
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A hug produces more oxytocin than a handshake.
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A handshake produces more oxytocin than a high five.
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You pick.
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We talked about the body language.
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We also have to talk about the tonality.
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Here is the biggest mistake people make in a first impression.
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They hold their breath, and their hello sounds like this.
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Hello.
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All the way up here.
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A little bit of vocal fry.
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When we hold our breath, especially on that first word, it makes us sound anxious.
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Low competence.
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I want you to practice what I call a happy hello.
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This is saying hello on the outbreath, and if you genuinely feel happy to see someone, with a smile.
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So here's the difference.
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Nervous hello.
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This is the one I don't want you to do.
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Hello.
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Here's the happy hello.
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Hello.
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Notice how both sound like me, but one is more in my natural voice tone.
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I highly recommend before you answer the phone, before you hop on a video call, before you walk into the office, before you walk into a before you walk on a date, you say hello on the out-breath.
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That immediately relaxes your vocal chords and makes sure you're not accidentally hitting that highest end of your range.
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How do we signal competence in just a few seconds?
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This is actually more about disarming someone.
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When we can see someone's palm, we know they're not hiding anything from us.
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It literally shows the intention of, I'm open to you.
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I could reach out and shake your hands.
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I could acknowledge you.
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So when you walk on stage, hop on video, walk into a room, I want you to do a palm flash.
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Morning.
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Good to see everyone.
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Hi everyone.
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Or come on over.
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Hey, good to see you.
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Sit with me.
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We love a palm because I think from back from our caveman days, it made us feel like someone wasn't hiding something from us.
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See what happens when I put my hands behind my back.
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Imagine if I were to teach this entire video, not showing my hands.
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Your brain would begin to get distracted with the fact that you couldn't see my hands.
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And that's because when we can't see someone's hands, we worry about their intention.
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You're like, what are her hands doing back there?
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And the moment I bring them back out, you're like, ah, I can trust her again.
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You want to have your hands visible the moment someone can first see you.
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So avoid those pockets.
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I know they're comfy.
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Avoid hiding them in a purse or behind a computer or a clipboard.
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Make sure your hands are visible, especially in those first few seconds.
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One of my absolute favorite sweet spot cues, it's both warm and competent is gaze.
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Now, the amount of gaze you make varies from culture to culture.
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But what we do know is that when humans make eye contact, we also produce oxytocin.
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So let's say that you can't shake hands with someone or you are in a culture that doesn't touch.
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Making eye contact is also a great way to produce that chemical of connection.
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Now, in Western cultures, we like to have eye contact about 60 to 70% of the time.
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And that That means you shouldn't be making 100% eye contact.
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It's very natural to think and look away or look around the room or glance away if you're processing something.
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The key here is that you are making eye contact
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when you are making an important point and you're making eye contact when they are making an important point.
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Try to hit that 60 to 70% sweet spot if you can.
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So let's break down where we are in the interaction so far.
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You've entered into a room or hopped on video.
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They see you, you do a palm flash.
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Great, they can trust you.
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You're making gaze, maybe you reach out and touch, high five, handshake, hug.
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The next thing you wanna be aware of is fronting.
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Fronting is angling your torso, your toes, your head towards the person you're speaking with.
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We really like to feel like we're on parallel lines with someone.
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So when you're interacting, even if you're in a group, if you can angle your body towards the person that's speaking, it's like a nonverbal sign of respect.
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It's literally showing, I am physically on the same page as you, and therefore we can connect more deeply.
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Now let me teach you the cue that kills any momentum, any charisma, any warmth, any competence.
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It's blocking.
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Oh, I know, I know.
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Crossing our arms is so comfortable.
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But the moment I crossed my arms, I probably came across as more close-minded to you.
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Research even shows that the longer I close my arms, the more close-minded my own thinking becomes.
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Anti-blocking, or opening up your torso, making sure you're not blocking any part of your torso, is a way of signaling I literally want to open up to you.
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It also helps your own thinking.
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So try as much as you can to make sure that you have your torso open, your arms uncrossed.
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Don't hold a book or a coffee mug or a computer or a clipboard in front of your body.
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You want to have your torso open because it signals openness to them.
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Let's talk for a minute about nervousness.
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Look, I'm a recovering awkward person
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and I tend to be a social over-thinker my nerves can definitely get the best of me.
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And here's what I want you to keep in mind.
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One, you showing up as warm and competent with clear signals of trust and effectiveness is contagious.
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It actually helps other people feel warm and competent too.
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So first, why don't you focus on putting others at ease?
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That can help your own nervousness.
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But second, this is not about having a perfect first impression.
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There is no such thing.
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This is not about being perfectly charismatic.
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Again, there is no such thing.
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What we actually want to to show is that we are real, we are human.
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An aspect of warmth is vulnerability.
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If you're feeling nervous or anxious or afraid, you can say that.
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It's one of the reasons why I say in my first impression, it's literally the opening line of my book, I'm a recovering awkward person.
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So if you're feeling vulnerable or not your best, it's okay to say that.
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That's an aspect of warmth.
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Look, I don't want you to overthink these cues.
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In fact, you can start with one at a time.
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And the The best way to do this is actually on the phone first.
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I know this sounds crazy, but on the phone, all you have is your voice and your words.
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So start with just your happy hello, right?
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Practice answering the phone, not hello, just hello.
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Then move your way to video.
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Video touches on an option, so we add gaze, gaze with the camera, and yes, research shows that we can even produce oxytocin, even through a webcam.
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You can also start with a palm flash.
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So now you have three cues, your happy hello, your palm flash, and your gaze.
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Then go to in-person and start low pressure.
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Your best friends.
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Your family.
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Practice that hug with them, see how it feels.
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Get feedback on your handshake.
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Practice fronting with them as they're speaking.
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That way we're starting off in low pressure settings.
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From phone, video, in-person, friends first.
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At first, some of these cues might feel a little uncomfortable.
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It's kind of like retraining your muscle memory.
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But here's the good news is after you've tried a cue a few times
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and you get the positive feedback of someone opening up to you when you show openness, it will begin to feel like habit.
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Soon, after a couple of times of trying, it will not feel like you even have to think about anti-blocking or think about handshake or think about gaze.
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Go through those first few times of discomfort, of retrying on a cue and trying to activate that muscle memory, because it will become natural.
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Now, there are so many cues to choose from, but these are starter cues.
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They're the ones that have the biggest bang for their buck
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and hopefully will feel natural after you've tried them a couple of times.
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But note, if you try a cue five, ten times, and it still doesn't feel natural to you, don't do it.
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I never want you to feel inauthentic.
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In fact, I want you to use cues that feel empowering, where you're like, yes, I finally feel like my most confident self.
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If it doesn't feel good to use it after a few tries, it's not for you.
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Chapter 2.
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How to Understand and Read People I want to teach you one of the most powerful social skills, observation.
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This is an intentional learned skill, and it's not passive.
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Observation is about actively reading the room and decoding emotional signals that are being sent to you.
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I think learning how to observe and observe well is like a secret social superpower.
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It helps you see hidden emotions, which then you can spot and untangle, but it also helps you see hidden intention, maybe what something means behind the words.
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is such an advantage in social situations, business situations, romantic situations.
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It's a tool that you want to have in your tool belt.
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If we're going to talk about observation, we have to talk about my three C's.
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Context, Culture, and Clusters.
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First, context.
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Cues can mean different things in different settings.
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And the reason why this is important is you always want to give someone the benefit of the context doubt.
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For example, Let's say that someone seems very tired, very disengaged, very disconnected.
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And you're worried, is it me?
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Is it something that I said?
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And then you learn that they just got off a red-eye flight.
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That is context you need to know.
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That discomfort, that disengagement, they're just tired.
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It has nothing to do with you.
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And what they need is warmth.
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So the first thing you have to do when you're thinking about observation is take in your context.
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Where are you both?
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Where have they been?
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What's their emotional setting?
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What's happened before your interaction?
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What's happening during your interaction?
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If you see a negative cue, is there any reason why that negative cue could not be about you?
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And how can you help?
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Second C, culture.
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Many of the cues that we are learning are universal.
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For example, when humans make eye contact, they produce oxytocin.
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However, the amount of appropriate eye contact varies culture to culture. Or touch.
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When we mutually touch.
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We produce oxytocin, but the kind of touch varies culture to culture.
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This means the second thing you should do in observation is take in what your culture is doing.
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This could be your corporate culture.
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What's the typical accepted greeting in your room, but also your broader culture.
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I like to mirror and match the culture I'm in.
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So I look around the room, whether that's a company or a place, and I try to say, what is everyone else doing?
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Do I feel comfortable meeting them where they're at, mirroring and matching their culture.
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The third most important part of observation is clusters.
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This is insurance.
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You never want to interpret one cue alone.
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For example, let's say that you see someone do a nose touch.
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Now, some research shows that a nose touch can signal lying.
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Yes, they've actually researched this, that liars tend to touch their nose more often.
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So you're in a meeting and you see someone nose touch.
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You would not want to take that cue alone because what if they're just having a bad allergy day?
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Now, if you see that nose touch along with other lie detection cues, some shame, some blocking, then you might have a red flag.
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But you would never want to take that cue alone.
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In this way, I like to look for clusters of cues, three to five cues, to make sure that what you think you're seeing is what you're actually seeing.
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Never take one cue alone.
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Always look for the cues around it.
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The goal here is not to create gotcha moments where you're like, gotcha, I saw a nose touch.
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Gotcha, I saw that you pulled your left ear on that poker play.
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The goal here is to look at the cluster of behavior and try to find the emotion or the intention behind it.
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We are looking for behavior patterns.
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Is someone showing overall positive cues, cues of warmth and openness?
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Great.
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You can likely trust them.
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Is someone sending overall negative cues with negative clusters, a lack of warmth, a lack of competence, maybe you want to be careful, maybe you want to step back, maybe you want to do more research.
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The goal in observation is to figure out what your next step is, not a gotcha moment.
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A fun exercise you can try is watching a video on mute.
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Bonus points if you can find a meeting that was a little bit tense.
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See what cues you see in their face, in their gestures.
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Are you seeing the negative clusters?
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Then watch it again with the sound, tonality, word choice?
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Does the meaning of those cues change?
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As really excellent observers, we need to take in all of the context, all of the clusters, and remember, keep in mind the culture that they're in.
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When we really like someone, we subtly, without even realizing it, mirror their different channels of communication.
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They've even found that when we really like someone, we mirror their vocal tone.
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So see if they are copying or mimicking your non-verbal cues.
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That is a great sign that you're onto a great connection.
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Mirroring is actually not inauthentic or forced.
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It's a very natural human instinct.
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Research found that best friends can even sync up their breathing rate, their heart rate.
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It's a natural human response to really wanting to get on the physiological same page as someone else.
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And you can also think about this in terms of energy.
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So for example, you might have someone where you meet them and they speak a little slower, a little lower.
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They have less expressiveness.
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They're more quiet and warm.
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Or you might have someone who's very high energy
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and they use lots of expressionists and lots of hand gestures and high volume.
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Them mirroring or matching you shows them that they want to get on the same page as you, non-verbally.
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One of my other favorite cues to look for when you're observing is an eyebrow raise.
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Now an eyebrow raise across cultures is a show of interest.
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Think about it this way.
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When you're really interested in something or someone, your eyebrows raise up to literally get out of the way so you can see more and more clearly.
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They found that even infants pay attention to faces when they eyebrow raise.
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I think this is really important for both business and social settings.
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In business settings, if you're giving a presentation or you're pitching your boss, and he or she raises their eyebrows at a certain point, you know you've just intrigued them.
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Double down on that.
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In social or romantic settings, if you say something and someone suddenly raises their eyebrows, that is something that just sparked their curiosity, sparked their interest.
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Watch for eyebrow raises.
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It means you're on the right track.
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How do you know if you're having a negative first impression or you're making someone uncomfortable or anxious?
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These are the cues you want to observe.
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First, shame.
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The shame cue is a very interesting cue and it looks like this.
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When someone touches the side of their forehead, either side.
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It's actually a blocking behavior.
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When we don't like something, we want to block it out.
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We can do this with our body by crossing our arms.
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We can also do this by covering our eyes or our face.
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That's called eye blocking.
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So when someone touches the side of their forehead, they're literally trying to say, I don't want to see this.
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This is making me uncomfortable.
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On prank shows, you always see people go, oh no, and cover their face.
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And that's because they're so embarrassed or ashamed.
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out for this cue in conversation.
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If you just made someone uncomfortable, they might suddenly eye block.
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Pause right there and try to build rapport.
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Ask, everything okay?
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Are we good?
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Any questions about that?
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Let me circle back.
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Noticing shame is part one, but responding to it is second.
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The best gift you can give someone
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if they're feeling shame is giving them permission to share what is making them feel uncomfortable so you can understand them better.
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Another negative Another cue you want to watch out for is sudden distancing.
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So when we like something, we want to get closer to it.
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We lean in to smell something better, to hear something better, to get closer to it.
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The opposite happens when we don't like something.
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We distance ourselves from it.
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This might happen with a sudden lean back.
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It also might happen with a sudden look back.
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It might happen with a… it might also be with a head tilt back.
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If someone's standing, you will literally see them take a physical step back.
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This is the body's innate reaction to, I don't like this.
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I want to get away from it.
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I don't want to be associated with it.
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I want to protect myself from it.
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If you say something and someone suddenly scoots back, steps back, take note.
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Something you've said has just turned them off and you want to find out exactly what it is.
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There's one more negative cue I want you to listen for, and it's called the question inflection.
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The question inflection is when you go up at the end of your sentence.
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So instead of a sentence, it sounds like a question.
422
Now, there are some people who habitually question inflection.
423
That's the way they speak.
424
For them, that's their habit, and we should try to get them out of it.
425
But for someone who is speaking and then suddenly asks, like they're not sure, pay attention.
426
The question inflection is often a giveaway of not knowing and sometimes deception.
427
And intuitively, we actually know this.
428
Researchers found that when humans hear the question inflection accidentally used on a statement.
429
Our brain goes from listening to scrutinizing.
430
It's as if the brain knows, wait, you're unsure of that.
431
Should I be unsure of that too?
432
In sales trainings, I hear this all the time, where someone asks a number they're unsure of.
433
So it sounds like this.
434
We'd love to have your business.
435
We'd love to work with you.
436
And the cost of the service is $5,000.
437
If you ask your numbers, you are begging people to negotiate with you.
438
And if you hear someone Ask a number or ask a boundary or ask a statement.
439
Question it.
440
Decide, why is someone asking me this?
441
Are they sure about it?
442
This is a great way to protect yourself.
443
A lot of us instinctively know some of these cues.
444
We have an instinct that if someone leans back or steps away from us that they are suddenly disengaged.
445
The power of this and why I'm
446
so happy you're here is knowing it gives you permission to take quick action and to be prepared to take that action.
447
If you know that sudden distancing or an oddly placed question and inflection could signal that something is off, you know to trust your gut.
448
So often we doubt our instincts.
449
We doubt the red flags that we hear.
450
We doubt the alarm bells that are ringing in our head.
451
I want you to know, wait, I just saw a cluster, a question and inflection, a lean back, and shame.
452
I'm stopping and I'm taking control to find out what is actually going on.
453
My goal with these cues is to listen to your instincts so you know exactly what to do when they happen.
454
I know observation takes some practice, and I know this better than anyone.
455
I used to think that everyone all the time was mad at me.
456
I was often misinterpreting neutral expressions as negative.
457
So if this is you or you find you're often misinterpreting, know that you can hone these skills.
458
They've found that there's a specific part of our brain, it's called the fusiform face area, that is used to identify facial expressions.
459
And the more you practice and activate it, the better that part of your brain becomes.
460
So think of observation like a muscle.
461
The more you practice this with the reps, the easier it will be where you don't even have to think about it.
462
And your response feels more in control.
463
Where if you spot a negative cue, it doesn't rattle you.
464
You know, I got this.
465
I know what to say.
466
I know what that meant.
467
And it it puts you more in control.
468
And the best part of observation is it gives you social confidence.
469
Chapter 3.
470
How to be conversationally present.
471
Learning how to become an active listener isn't a nice-to-have, it's a need-to-have.
472
Listening is an active, physical, emotional behavior, not just hearing words.
473
The goal is listening to understand, not just listening to reply.
474
I have kind of a weird way to think about listening, which is, I want you to listen loudly.
475
A lot of the time, merely just being present isn't enough.
476
For someone to truly feel heard, to feel like they can keep opening up, you have to make sure that they hear you're listening.
477
This means sending clear signals of listening to show them, I am here with you and I want to deeply understand you.
478
The other benefit of active listening is it also gives you more intention.
479
If we are going in with the intention to listen well, not fake listen, it gives you purpose, which engages you more in the conversation.
480
I listen for cues, which makes me very engaged but also increases my own presence.
481
A trick that I play in my own head is sometimes I pretend that I'm about to introduce this person on stage.
482
Because it makes me listen to remember.
483
makes me listen, one, for facts that I want to keep in the back of my head about the person.
484
But second, it makes me listen and ask questions that are seeking good nuggets, little tidbits that I will want to share to brag and cheer for them.
485
Let's talk about how to create a listening presence.
486
This is listening loudly, listening in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.
487
My first favorite listening cue is leaning.
488
When we like something, we want to get closer to it.
489
leaning is kind of like a nonverbal bold or a nonverbal highlighter.
490
When you lean into someone else as they speak, you're like highlighting their words for them.
491
You're saying, I like this so much, I want to get closer to it.
492
You can also lean as you speak to nonverbally bold or highlight your important point.
493
So you can watch for the lean to decode interest or engagement.
494
You can also encode or show the lean to show someone that you are so interested you want to lean into them.
495
Next, head behavior is really important for listening.
496
And that is because as we're deep listening, we're probably having a deep discussion and we're very attuned to someone's face and head movement.
497
I want to teach you the slow triple nod.
498
The slow triple nod looks like this.
499
Research has found that when you do a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67% longer.
500
It's kind of like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot saying, I agree, tell me more, open up.
501
Now, there's a cultural note here.
502
In India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, nodding means something slightly different.
503
But outside of those cultures, we like a vertical nod to show affirmation.
504
Now, be careful.
505
Please don't nod too much.
506
Over-nodding is called bobbleheading.
507
And if you are in your meetings over and over again, nodding, nodding, or on your dates nodding too much, it is actually too high in warmth.
508
It takes away from your competence.
509
You want to use a nod like a highlighter.
510
You wouldn't highlight the entire page of text or else nothing stands out.
511
Only use a slow triple nod when you actually want to emphasize agreement or curiosity.
512
One other note on the nod is the speed of your nod.
513
Ah, nonverbal cues are so nuanced.
514
A slow triple nod shows engagement.
515
Watch.
516
Uh-huh.
517
Uh-huh.
518
Uh-huh.
519
A fast triple nod shows impatience.
520
Mm-hmm.
521
Mm-hmm.
522
Mm-hmm.
523
So be careful not to do a fast nod unless you want someone to speed up.
524
What if you nod too much or you want another option for showing listening?
525
I love the head tilt.
526
So universally, across cultures, when we want to hear something better, we tilt our head to expose our ear as if saying, tell me more.
527
We also love when our pets do this.
528
It makes us feel like they're listening to us.
529
So if you are on mute on a video call
530
or you're listening to someone and you want to show you are actively listening.
531
You can literally tilt your head to the side to show I'm actively engaged.
532
Research has actually found that if you have bad news to deliver, if you deliver it with a head tilt, it softens the blow.
533
It literally shows, I know this is bad news, but I'm here to listen to your feedback.
534
Use the head tilt as often as you can.
535
Beware of the chin jut.
536
A chin jut is actually a sign of aggression, invasiveness, sort of anger.
537
So be careful.
538
If you say something and someone goes, I don't think so.
539
You might have just triggered a little bit of anger.
540
Back up, build some rapport, ask questions.
541
Also be careful if you wear glasses, don't accidentally do what I lovingly call the judge duty.
542
That's peering over your glasses at someone.
543
It can accidentally come across as judgmental.
544
You're better off taking off your glasses to see someone or looking straight through with that gaze.
545
There are two big barriers we face with listening.
546
First, our body.
547
This all comes down to self-soothing gestures or what the fancy scientists like to call pacification gestures.
548
A comfort gesture or self-soothing gesture is when we rub
549
or move or have anxious movement to try to calm ourselves down or pacify ourselves or soothe ourselves.
550
It's actually a leftover from when we were babies.
551
When we were babies, we were upset.
552
Our parents often gave us a pacifier.
553
So we sucked on a pacifier or sucked on our thumb
554
or they would rub our back or rub our head to calm us down.
555
Still, as adults, if we are feeling anxious or nervous, we might rub our own arms or rub the back of our neck
556
or crack our knuckles as if trying to calm ourselves down or pacify our nerves.
557
Here's the problem.
558
The research is very clear on this.
559
Oftentimes, those comfort gestures don't actually calm you down and they are a barrier to listening.
560
It makes you look nervous, which distracts the other person and also makes them catch the nervousness.
561
Yes, self-soothing gestures can be contagious.
562
So in this way, I want you to think about self-soothing gestures in two ways.
563
One, if you see someone else self-soothing or anxiously rubbing or wringing their hands, take a note that they might be nervous and try to soothe them.
564
Tell them they're good.
565
They can trust you.
566
They can open up to you.
567
Go into more rapport-building behavior to help them feel more comfortable.
568
Second, if you notice yourself doing those comfort gestures, you might try a displacement tactic.
569
I always hated when someone told me to stop fidgeting because it's almost impossible to just stop fidgeting.
570
Instead, I want you to displace the anxiety.
571
Displacement tactics are when you replace the comfort gesture with an anchoring behavior.
572
So this could be pinching your thumb and your forefinger together.
573
That kind of activation puts all of your anxious energy into that, and that's not very visible.
574
Only you can feel it.
575
Or it could be having a coffee mug or a clicker
576
or a pen that you hold and you grip it to try to displace
577
that anxiety into the pen or the mug or whatever you're holding.
578
Now, context is very important here.
579
Self-soothing gestures often mean nervousness.
580
But in romantic settings, some self-soothing gestures can be flirtation.
581
For example, if someone is giving a big presentation and fiddling with their hair or touching their earring, that could be a cluster with other anxiety cues.
582
But if you're on a date with someone and someone is tucking their hair behind their ear or playing with their jewelry, it could be a preening gesture.
583
And preening self-touch is a sign of flirtation.
584
Always look for context and clusters.
585
The second barrier to listening is in our face.
586
Our face shows so much of our emotion.
587
And one thing I want you to be aware of is what I call resting bothered face, or RBF.
588
Resting bothered face is what your face looks while you are listening.
589
Some of us have facial expressions or a face at rest that looks tired or sad or angry, even when you don't feel tired or sad or angry.
590
For example, people always ask me, are you okay, even when I'm just listening?
591
And that's because my mouth tends to have a downward inflection.
592
So if I have my mouth at rest, it actually is an upside-down U.
593
This is part of a micro-expression of sadness.
594
All this comes down to the universal facial expressions.
595
Now, research is very interesting on universal facial expressions.
596
The jury is still out on how much of our expressions are universal.
597
But what we do know is that there are certain reactions we have to different emotions.
598
When we're surprised, we tend to widen and open our face.
599
When we're angry, we tend to harden our lower lids and press our lips together into a hard line.
600
When we're afraid, we tend to widen our eyes and take in a deep breath.
601
If your face at rest looks like a negative emotion, people will assume that you are listening with that negative emotion.
602
You want to be aware of what your face looks like at rest.
603
So what I highly recommend is next time you're on a video call, take a look at your face, relax it, and see, do you activate any part of your face?
604
Are your corners of your mouth pointed down?
605
Are you accidentally activating those two vertical lines between your eyebrow?
606
Are you widening your eyes and listening with a little bit of fear eyes?
607
This is what's accidentally coming across in your listening.
608
It's very hard to fix our resting face, but we can be aware of it.
609
For example, I know that people tend to think that I'm sad even when I'm not.
610
So I use extra warmth cues, especially in that first impression.
611
I say, oh, I'm so happy to be here.
612
I've been so looking forward to this what a pleasure to finally meet you.
613
Those verbal warmth cues counteract my resting face so they know that I'm not actually sad.
614
I know these comfort gestures can be very hard habits to break.
615
We've literally been doing them our whole lives and we don't realize they're taking away from our charisma.
616
So a couple other tips for you.
617
If you're a swayer or a pacer, you can try to lean in to ground yourself or lean back.
618
I also will sometimes pace the stage.
619
So sometimes I'll ask for a high bar table or a podium to lean my elbow on to anchor me.
620
So look for anchors in your environment.
621
Can you lean in or lean forward to lean on a desk?
622
Can you lean to the side on a podium or a table that can anchor your comfort gestures?
623
And don't forget you can set yourself up for success.
624
Wear clothing or jewelry have hairstyles that don't require comfort gestures.
625
For example, I have a haircut that stays pretty still because I have the tendency to touch my hair.
626
I am also very careful with the jewelry and the earrings
627
that I wear to make sure that they're not making noise and I'm not tempted to adjust them.
628
I also try not to wear outfits with pockets
629
because I had the tendency to use a comfort gesture of putting my hands in my pockets.
630
Set yourself up for success with knowing what you're wearing
631
and how you're accessorizing yourself to try to make sure you're not too tempted to comfort gesture with what you're wearing.
632
I think there are two mental hacks when it comes to active listening.
633
The first, as we've been talking about, is our nonverbal cues, watching theirs, responding with ours.
634
But the second is your mindset.
635
Is your mindset to build a connection with this person?
636
If you're listening for verbal cues, answers that you can bring up again, you're listening to remember.
637
I find if I'm bored or if I'm disengaged, it means I'm not listening to try to remember for my future conversations.
638
While you're listening to someone, think, what could I bring up that's going to light them up next time I talk to them?
639
What could I check in with them about over text or over email?
640
What could I ask them about next time we see each other?
641
Anything that's lighting them up where they have a lot of positive clusters, that's what you want to bring up next time.
642
And that listening to remember will make you an active listener.
643
You know, I love the old adage, you have one mouth and two ears.
644
You should listen twice as much as you talk.
645
But there are good opportunities to talk.
646
And I think those are called capitalization.
647
Capitalization is when you take what someone else is saying and you capitalize it or make it bigger.
648
So if someone is sharing a story about hope
649
and you have something to add to that to make it bigger or better and contribute to their story, say it.
650
If they're talking about something that makes them sad or upset
651
and you have something that could help them with that sadness or that upset, say it.
652
Your goal is to capitalize on the emotion that they are trying to give you.
653
That's showing them not only am I listening to you, I actually want to be additive.
654
I want to make it bigger.
655
I want to make it better.
656
And that's the perfect way to gauge how much you should say back.
657
The biggest warning sign that listening is going off track is if they are not asking you questions back.
658
If you're saying something and they're trying to jump in with what they say or they aren't asking follow-up questions, it might mean that you're misaligned.
659
I would take more time to listen
660
and try to attune to what they are trying to say until they start asking you questions back.
661
My favorite question is, what do you think about that?
662
If they start asking for your opinion, you know it's your good turn to speak.
663
Now let's say you're talking and they never ask you a question back, even though you are actively listening.
664
This is called a conversational narcissist.
665
It's someone who loves to hear themselves talk and doesn't care what you have to say.
666
That's a sign that this might not be your person.
667
Chapter 4.
668
The Psychology of Power and Engagement
669
One of the most important aspects of connection is how to show up with power as well as engagement.
670
If we have power and confidence in our message, but also we know how to engage someone with it, we have the ultimate social skill.
671
All of my students are smart and talented, but for some reason they are overlooked or underestimated or interrupted.
672
And my big goal for them is that they have power.
673
They have confidence in their ideas.
674
They're just not sure how to show it.
675
And so my goal is to teach you how do you showcase
676
and speak about your authentic smarts your authentic talent with power so people listen?
677
And how do you make sure you engage someone so they're hearing the words you say without you having to be loud?
678
I am assuming that you have authentic competence that you feel confident in what you're saying.
679
If you learn these cues and you feel inauthentic as you deliver them, if you don't actually feel confident in your material, please go get confident first.
680
Read up, practice, do your preparation, and then use these cues to deliver it.
681
You cannot fake confidence for very long.
682
People will find you out.
683
So step one, make sure you're prepared.
684
Make sure you actually have genuine, authentic confidence.
685
And two, use these cues to deliver your message.
686
Anytime you're sharing your idea or a boundary or a perspective, I want to make sure you are delivering it with confidence and power.
687
For example, maybe you have to deliver constructive criticism.
688
Maybe you have to set a boundary.
689
Maybe you have to negotiate for your salary.
690
Maybe you're in an interview.
691
Maybe you have to deliver bad news to a client.
692
Maybe you have to tell your kids a new rule in the house.
693
All of these should be delivered with power and competence.
694
Otherwise, they will not be heard.
695
We like to be around people who are clear and confident in their message.
696
Remember, confidence is contagious.
697
The reason we like to be around people who know their stuff is we want to catch their confidence.
698
So you delivering your message with power and authenticity makes people feel like, yes, I can trust and rely on this person.
699
I want to teach you my favorite power cues.
700
So power cues are the nonverbal, vocal, and tonal signals that powerful people use to signal, you should listen to me.
701
You should listen to this.
702
The first power cue you might not think about, but it's our volume.
703
Powerful people are very in control of how they are delivering their message.
704
And volume signals control.
705
When you're into something or excited about something, you can use a higher volume.
706
We love people who deliver in an excited, powerful volume.
707
But if you're sharing something more private, more personal, if you want people to lean in, you can actually use a lower volume.
708
We like a dynamic volume.
709
We like people who vary between the two, especially because sometimes we are excited about something, but sometimes we want to share something a little more private and personal.
710
Get control of your volume and be purposeful with it.
711
If you have a powerful idea or a boundary, or you want to share a story, think about where am I excited and passionate, high volume, and where do I want to bring people in?
712
Where do I want to keep something more covert, more private?
713
Lower your volume.
714
You be in control of how you deliver.
715
What do powerful, confident people look like.
716
They look like winners.
717
Researchers from the University of British Columbia studied athletes across cultures, and they found that around the world, winning athletes make the same posture.
718
They take up space.
719
They typically tilt their head towards the sky.
720
They have lots of space between their arms and their torso.
721
They typically roll their shoulders down and back.
722
This is a signal of wanting to take up space.
723
When we feel pride, we want to claim our space.
724
We want to be noticed.
725
We are open to the world.
726
We see this as winning posture, as expansive posture.
727
And there are a couple of weird measurements I want you to think about here.
728
First is the distance between your ear and your shoulder.
729
I know, it's a weird one.
730
But watch this.
731
If I were to deliver this entire video with very little space between my ears and my shoulder, you would see me as lacking confidence.
732
It would even be hard for me to deliver my message with volume.
733
And the moment I roll my shoulders down, the more confident I look.
734
And that's because I'm not trying to protect my neck.
735
I want you to try to maximize distance between your ear and your shoulder, especially on video calls, especially when someone can only see the top half of your body.
736
Also check your profile pictures.
737
Make sure you're not accidentally doing this or this.
738
It signals low confidence.
739
The other distance I want you to think about is the distance between your torso and your arm.
740
People who are confident, they use a lot of gesture.
741
They use a lot of space.
742
They're okay claiming their space.
743
If we tuck our arms to our sides and tightly pin them to our sides, it shows we're trying to protect our trunk.
744
And that signals low confidence.
745
Dr. Susan Goldwyn Meadow also found that our gestures increase comprehension and fluency.
746
Meaning, if I use gestures as I'm speaking, so let's say I'm talking about a very big big idea and I show big, that helps you, the listener, see how big it is, but it also helps me,
747
the speaker, feel how big it is.
748
Gestures create a power loop.
749
If you really know what you're saying, you can speak on two tracks.
750
You can speak with your words, but you can also speak with your hands.
751
So powerful, competent people are showing, I know my stuff so well that I can explain it verbally, but I can also explain it non-verbally.
752
Now I have a note here.
753
I love explanatory gestures, but I don't like interpretive dance.
754
Use gestures like an emphasis or a bold.
755
If you have a really small idea, it's no big deal, say that it's small.
756
If you have three different things you want to say, point to all three.
757
Don't think of it like interpretive dance, where every word has to have a gesture.
758
Instead, think of your gestures as emphasizing an idea that you want someone to remember.
759
The last one is the hardest, and I'm guilty.
760
I don't do it very well, which is pausing.
761
When we're nervous, we tend to speed up our rate of speech.
762
Confident power people, they're okay pausing.
763
If they're running out of breath, they'll pause mid-sentence and take a breath.
764
Try adding breaths or pauses into your speech.
765
Try not to speed up when you're nervous, especially when you're explaining an important point.
766
Your important point might be hard for someone to digest.
767
The slower you explain your point, the easier it is for someone to digest.
768
If you find yourself using filler words like,
769
um, so, you know, it's probably your brain's need to try to take a moment to catch up with its own thoughts.
770
This is your opportunity to take a pause.
771
Replace filler words with a breathing pause.
772
I say a breathing pause because pausing and holding your breath is only going to make you look nervous.
773
Versus pausing and taking a short breath actually gives you energy back and helps you speak with more vocal power.
774
Replace those filler words with breathing pauses.
775
Being assertive is not enough.
776
We also have to be engaging.
777
And the way we do this is fighting the desire to be robotic, monotone, and automatic.
778
And this is a mistake that smart people make.
779
Smart people often know their stuff so well.
780
They've said it so many times, they deliver it in a really monotone way, as if they're bored with their own content because they've said it so many times that it just seems obvious.
781
It is critical for you, even if you know your own stuff, even if you've said it a million times before, to add vocal dynamism.
782
I want you to add vocal charisma.
783
This is when you say some things really fast and excited, but some things a little slower, with a little more mystery.
784
You could even share data in different ways.
785
I could say, the single biggest number that you should know is...
786
Or I could say, the single biggest number that you need to know is...
787
Each way, you're adding a little bit more interesting vocal variety to listening, and that is super engaging for anyone who's listening to you.
788
Engagement is all about creating meaningful two-way interactions.
789
And I like to think of engagement as you are taking the burden, as the speaker, of making your information,
790
your content, your idea easy to listen to.
791
Being engaging is a gift to your listener.
792
You're saying, I'm going to make this so interesting.
793
I'm going to deliver it so well that it is easy for you to listen to it, adopt it, and remember it.
794
As humans, we are always listening for confidence.
795
We don't want to listen to people who don't feel confident in their own ideas.
796
A lack of confidence can sound like vocal shakiness or vocal fry.
797
When we are not confident in our ideas, when we're anxious, we lose breath, we lose volume.
798
And then what happens is our voice might get a little bit shaky or a little bit creaky.
799
Or we have what's called vocal fry, where it sounds like bacon sizzling in a pan.
800
All vocal fry is is a lack of air moving through your airways.
801
So when you are speaking, you want to make sure you have enough breath.
802
Breath gives you volume.
803
It helps push air through your vocal cords so you deliver it in a steady, constant way.
804
Anytime you hear yourself go a little bit higher in that wavery voice, take a deep breath and speak on the out breath.
805
Anytime you hear yourself go into vocal fry, take a deep breath and speak just a little bit louder.
806
I've worked with a lot of TED speakers, and TED speakers are brilliant.
807
They have great ideas.
808
They've been offered the chance of a lifetime sharing their big idea on stage.
809
And the number one mistake they make is they rehearse out all emotion.
810
They've scripted the perfect talk.
811
They have their big idea.
812
they have their great slides, and they've practiced it over and over again in the mirror.
813
And they forget how they actually felt when they discovered that big idea.
814
They forget how they feel when they're going to help someone or deliver their big idea.
815
Don't rehearse emotion out of your ideas.
816
If you're excited and happy about something, sound and look excited and happy.
817
If you're sad or devastated about something, Show how sad and devastated you are about that thing.
818
Don't forget to add back your original emotion.
819
Emotions are the condiment of speeches.
820
They add flavor.
821
They add spice.
822
Share stories that authentically bring out your emotion because that's going to help your listener remember you and remember your idea.
823
What if you're nervous?
824
What if you're like, Vanessa, I really want to sound vocally confident.
825
I really want to share emotion, but I'm afraid.
826
I have an answer for you.
827
Channel your most charismatic role model.
828
They actually asked students to do this in a research experiment.
829
They asked them to channel a charismatic speaker and get on stage and deliver a talk.
830
They found that the students who were asked to channel someone else were able to tap into their own power, their own confidence.
831
So think about the most charismatic person you know, your role model.
832
How would they share this idea?
833
How would they cheer you on?
834
It's okay to channel their emotion as yours.
835
The last finishing touch on your charisma, on your presence, on your power, on your engagement are the ornaments you wear,
836
the ornaments on your desk, the ornaments you hold in your profile pictures or in your backgrounds.
837
I want you to be purposeful with your ornaments and think about what does someone think about when they see that ornament?
838
You can almost think of them as props.
839
So for example, if you want to signal high power or high competence, you could show your degrees behind you, or you could hold your diploma,
840
or you could have a profile picture showing your certification.
841
If you want to come across as more warm, more approachable, you could have pictures on your desk of your family, of your friends, of your pets.
842
You could have relics from your travels behind you.
843
You could have heartwarming quotes behind you in your background.
844
I want you to be purposeful with the kind of signals you're sending.
845
Every prop you have is sending a signal.
846
Make sure it's the one that you want.
847
Keep in mind, I don't want you to activate all these cues at once.
848
You can end up like a body language Frankenstein.
849
Gestures, fronting, broad, nodding, vocal channeling, charisma.
850
I would rather you pick one cue at a time and work on it until it feels natural.
851
Pick the cue that sounds the most exciting to you or that you already do naturally, but you just want to dial up.
852
Then do one cue at a time.
853
Set a reminder in your phone that at the beginning of every week, you're going to try one new power cue or one new engagement cue.
854
Remember, these cues are a gift for you.
855
They make you more impactful, but they're also a gift for your listener.
856
They make you a pleasure to interact with, a pleasure to listen to, easy to be with.
857
The easier your message is to digest, the more memorable you become.
858
Investing in learning the art of communication pays off in every area of your life.
859
If you're an incredible communicator, people listen to you, they take you seriously, your potential is seen.
860
That starts with making a great first impression, showing up as warm and competent.
861
Then it's about being an incredible listener and observing other people's cues, reading the room correctly, and showing your listening by listening loudly,
862
by making people feel heard.
863
And lastly, we can show that we know our stuff, that we're powerful and competent and capable by also being engaging,
864
by showing someone that we're willing to invest in our message that we become easy to listen to.
865
If we do all of these things, we become a pleasure to be with.
866
We make better connections.
867
We're able to build community and connection with people who matter to us, whether they're new in our life, whether we work with them, whether we're friends with them, whether we're in love with them.
868
And that gives back so much to us.
869
I think that knowing how to truly connect and communicate is what makes life worth living.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This B2 speaking lesson is built on the video “Body language expert: 7 cues that make you instantly more likable”. This video has 869 sentences and 10545 words to shadow. The speech runs for 56:57. The speaker talks fast, about 185 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 83% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
The 15 most advanced words in the video, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| cue noun | /kju/ | An action or event that is a signal for somebody to do something. |
| gesture noun | /ˈd͡ʒɛs.t͡ʃɚ/ | A motion of the limbs or body, especially one made to emphasize speech. |
| warmth noun | /wɔɹmθ/ | A moderate degree of heat; the sensation of being warm. |
| competence noun | /ˈkɑm.pə.təns/ | The quality or state of being competent, i.e. able or suitable for a general role. |
| lean verb | /ˈliːn/ | To incline, deviate, or bend, from a vertical position; to be in a position thus inclining or deviating. |
| emotion noun | /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ | A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data. |
| vocal adjective | /ˈvoʊ̯.kəl/ | Of, pertaining to, or resembling the human voice or speech. |
| pause noun | /pɔːz/ | A temporary stop or rest; an intermission of action; interruption; suspension; cessation. |
| cluster noun | /ˈklʌstɚ/ | A bunch or group of several discrete items that are close to each other. |
| observation noun | /ˌɑbzɚˈveɪʃn̩/ | The act of observing, and the fact of being observed (see observance) |
| oxytocin noun | /ɑksiˈtoʊsɪn/ | A hormone that stimulates contractions during labor, and then the production of milk; also plays a role in social bonding. |
| soothe verb | /suːð/ | To restore to ease, comfort, or tranquility; relieve; calm; quiet; refresh. |
| eyebrow noun | /ˈaɪˌbɹaʊ/ | The hair that grows over the bone ridge above the eye socket. |
| inflection noun | /ɪnˈflɛkʃən/ | The linguistic phenomenon of morphological variation, whereby terms take a number of distinct forms in order to express different grammatical features. |
| gaze verb | /ɡeɪz/ | To stare intently or earnestly. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| come across verb | To change sides; to cross over to work for the opposition. | |
| bring up verb | To mention. | |
| come down to verb | To reach by moving down or reducing. | |
| reach out verb | To extend one's hand(s) forward; to reach for something. | |
| show up verb | To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically. | |
| speed up verb | /spiːdˈʌp/ | To accelerate; to increase speed. |
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. | |
| look around verb | To inspect a building or area. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- The question is, how do we read someone's warmth and competence?
- How do we stop it from hijacking our emotions?
- You're like, what are her hands doing back there?
- What's happened before your interaction?
- What's happening during your interaction?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | If someone's standing, you will literally · If they're running out of breath, they'll pause |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | has sent · You've entered · you've tried |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | being sent · were instructed · was overgeneralized |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | people who want · cycle, which is · people who are |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 227 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, I'm, they're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: warmth /wɔɹmθ/, soothe /suːð/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, inauthentic /ˌɪnɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, trustworthy /ˈtɹʌst.wɜː.ði/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, observation /ˌɑbzɚˈveɪʃn̩/, inflection /ɪnˈflɛkʃən/, handshake /ˈhæn(d)ˌʃeɪk/, anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/
- Long words — get the stress right: oxytocin /ɑksiˈtoʊsɪn/, charismatic /ˌkɛɹəzˈmætək/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, inauthentic /ˌɪnɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, tonality /toʊnˈæl.ɪ.ti/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like cue, gesture, warmth.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.