Shadowing Practice: Communicate with Confidence: The Blueprint for Mastering Every Conversation - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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What you say is who you are.
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The power to communicate is that you compress your entire personality into just what they hear you say.
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Because what is sent is not what is received.
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So what you thought you said is not what they heard.
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The question is, what did you hear?
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People will admire you more.
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They will see you as somebody with more respect and more confidence
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every time when you say what you want to say fully.
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No wonder so many people follow you.
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Hey, it's your friend Mel.
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I am so excited that you're here.
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It's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
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And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
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I also want to take a moment
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and just acknowledge you for taking time to listen to something that can truly help you live a better life.
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I have been super stressed because I've got some big deadlines with my next book coming out.
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And look, I'm human.
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I can try my best, but there are days where I still take my stress out on my family.
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And when I snap at them, I'm always quick to apologize.
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And I'm always saying, I'm really sorry.
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I didn't mean to be a jerk.
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I didn't mean to use that tone of voice.
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I was just so stressed.
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Well, according to Jefferson Fisher, who is in our Boston studios today, blaming your bad behavior on stress is a bad apology.
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There's a better way for you to communicate.
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And you and I are gonna learn how to be a better communicator from Jefferson Fisher.
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Let me tell you a little about him.
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He's a trial lawyer who has millions of followers online who turn to him every single day for his powerful
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and poignant communication tips.
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Jefferson says, what you say is who you are.
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You can learn how to be more articulate, confident, and persuasive.
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And you know what I love most about Jefferson is that the videos that millions of people are watching every day, he's making them in the front seat of his car,
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in between court cases and meetings with his clients.
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His advice is simple, packs a powerful punch.
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So I tracked him down.
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And Jefferson has put his cases on hold.
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He's flown here from Texas to be in our Boston studios to tell you
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and me exactly what to say and when you should say nothing at all.
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Jefferson, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
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Mel Robbins, thank you for having me.
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Oh my gosh.
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I'm so thrilled that you are here.
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Where I would really love to start is Jefferson, could you tell the person listening how their life might change
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if they take everything that you're about to share with us today to heart and they apply it in their life?
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They will have the power to change everything they could want to about their life,
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their relationships, and where they want to go.
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Because for the vast majority of people, and especially any person who listens right now,
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What you say is who you are to people.
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That's the only time they will experience who you are.
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You can't be a kind person if you don't say kind things.
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When you hear somebody say, oh, that person was nice.
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Well, what you mean is they said nice things to me.
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Same thing if somebody's rude.
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You hear something you don't like.
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So it's the power to communicate and the tips that I give are short,
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concise of how they can be better and improve the next conversation that they have.
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I freaking love it.
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I've never heard anybody describe the power of your words and the way in which you communicate,
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that the things that you say is who you are.
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It's your entire, it's the only way they'll experience you.
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They might see that kind deed.
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the vast majority of the time, they're going to only hear what you say.
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So you find that the power to communicate is that you compress your entire personality into just what they hear you say.
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Huh.
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Now I think everybody who is either like shy
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or a little insecure or feels maybe like they're an introvert is now like, oh gosh, because I keep my mouth shut.
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Can anybody learn to be a better communicator?
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Anybody can.
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It doesn't matter if you say two words, 20 words.
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Often, you can say a lot with less than you can with more words.
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So it's not about, oh, I'm an introvert.
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I'm too shy.
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I can never.
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That's not the point.
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More words is not better communication.
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Oh, I love that too.
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I'm going to learn a lot from you because I tend to be somebody who just vomits it all out.
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And I feel like I could learn how to say less.
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Well, that's not a bad thing.
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Sometimes it's not, it's not bad to say more either.
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We'll see what you think about my communication style.
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I'm curious because I love following you online.
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Millions of people have discovered you and love watching you as you sit in the front seat of your car.
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You're squeezing this advice in in between cases that you're doing in court in between meetings with clients?
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How did you get started doing this?
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And why do you think millions of people are following you and loving your advice?
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Well, thank you.
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I left a big defense firm, that big law.
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And I just I wasn't happy anymore.
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I was a partner there.
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And I went from having a team to just being by myself with my laptop and coffee shops.
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And I started thinking, well, I need to get on social media.
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And then that quickly turned into, I feel like I'm selling myself.
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You see all these billboards with personal injury attorneys.
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I thought, that's not who I want to be.
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What can I do to just be a light in the world?
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What's my legacy going to be?
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And I guide my principles on, is this something my kids would be proud of?
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So that really hits home for me of what kind of legacy can I leave even if I'm not here?
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And so I decided I was going to teach people on something
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that I feel I know better than anybody in my world and that's how to communicate the lessons that I've learned.
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So I got my phone in my car and made my first How to Argue Like a Lawyer video.
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Wow.
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And the rest is history.
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And the rest is history.
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So it's been almost two years.
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And millions and millions of followers online.
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Yeah.
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And why do you think people follow you?
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The videos are short.
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They're very succinct.
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And they give them that light bulb moment of, oh, I could do that.
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What I talk about is very practical.
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What I talk about is not hypothetical.
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It's not based on some study.
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It is in the trenches.
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It's real conflict that we deal with from opposing attorneys to having to argue before judges.
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You have your own clients that may or may not agree with you.
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So it's communicating at all different levels.
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That's very practical and relatable and giving it to them in a way that they're like, hey, this guy's he's an attorney, but yet he's in his car and he's talking to me like I'm a real human.
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It's it's not that hard.
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Well, what I love about what you're saying, and this is true, is that most of us,
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I believe, especially when we are either uncomfortable or we have to have a difficult conversation,
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we focus on this idea that you have to win.
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And a lot of people see lawyers and they think oh, it's all about arguing and winning and you forget the fact
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that no You actually have to navigate judges and juries
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and court officers and clerks and other attorneys that you're gonna see
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and the ability To have people listen is just as important.
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What do you think?
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Most of us get wrong about how we communicate That arguments are something to win not something to unravel.
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I teach that arguments are knots in the conversation.
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And what gets worse is when you pull your way and I pull my way.
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Versus looking at it and saying, help me with the knot.
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How can we unravel this?
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How can we smooth it out?
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Never win an argument.
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If somebody's telling you or teaching you or you read some book on how to win every argument, they're just selling you something.
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Okay, then let me give you an example.
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You ready?
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I'm ready.
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Last night We go out to dinner.
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It is my mother-in-law's 87th birthday.
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Happy birthday.
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Yes.
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Happy birthday to Judy And so we're out with the family
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and I of course have a Conversation that happened at the table.
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I said something that I immediately wanted to take back My husband and I are now leaving we've all been there, right?
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You have stuck foot in mouth Your partner is now angry with you.
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We get into the car.
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I was not driving somebody else was driving So we hop into the uber and Chris turns to me.
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He's like, why did you have to say that?
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Yeah And so can you explain in this situation that I think we can all relate to?
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where now you are about to have an argument with somebody
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and You are describing that arguments are like a not So what do I do in this situation?
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Where I'm about to go into full-on defend me mode.
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How do I get out of this mess?
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Yeah Yeah.
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Well, sometimes it just takes a big shovel.
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But anytime there's miscommunication, it is because what is sent is not what is received.
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So what you thought you said is not what they heard.
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And often you're just on different frequencies.
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If I were to turn my radio to 90s country, which I love, and you turned it on, I don't know, let's say 2000s R&B,
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you'd be going, this sounds great.
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I'm like, no, this sounds great.
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And we're still rocking to our own sounds, and we're not on the same channel.
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And so when you're in that backseat, and you're talking with Chris, and he's going, why'd you say that?
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The question is, what did you hear?
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And so it's that understanding of, what did you hear when I said that?
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Because I know what I meant.
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What did you hear and so it's this pushing of
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when it's only going how you say it in your head nobody else is hearing
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that what did you hear right that's amazing
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because the second he said why did you say
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that I felt attacked of course
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and as I sit here in the like bright daylight right
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and I've got distance from it I don't actually think I put my foot in my mouth.
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I know what my intention was.
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You know.
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Yes.
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And so the next time you're in an argument with somebody
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and that knot starts to build and you can feel yourself yanking on it
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because you go into a mode of defending yourself.
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If somebody says to you, why did you say that?
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Or they attack you on something, your response is, what did you hear?
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Exactly Wow Well and did your defense to ask somebody why you said that that why word puts everybody on?
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The defense because it sounds like you're attacking you're undermining their credibility.
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Okay, so let's reverse the rules here Let's say my husband Chris says something really stupid or like, you know that I'm like Why would he say something like that if I'm now the one and
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in the car with him and he has said something at a a party
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or like around family that I just wanted to reach out and choke him.
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Obviously I wouldn't, but what would you say instead of why would you say that?
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I would use the word what instead of starting with why, which puts you on the defensive.
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Because when you say why, the first thing you want to say is because I said so.
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That's why.
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That autonomy that you feel.
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But instead it's the what.
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What was going through your head when that happened?
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Or what made you say this?
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It's that curiosity of I'm just curious of how you got there Instead of the pushing though.
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Why why'd you do this?
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Why'd you do it that way?
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I love that because you're right one is judgment
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and the other is curiosity Right one is poking and the other is leaning in.
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It's the whole student versus
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Teacher mentality instead of feeling like you're having to push you're having something to learn about it No wonder
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so many people follow you.
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What is the secret to getting better to talking to people?
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It's not really a secret as much as it is a
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process of wanting to express yourself in a way of saying what you mean more.
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Because often you want to say the thing, but you're hesitant about it.
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You're not sure exactly how you want to put it across
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so you feel like you need to kind of dance around it.
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Okay.
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And often you just need to jump right in.
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That sounds scary for a lot of people.
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It is scary, but I mean you you cold plunge You know, so it's it's worse when you go inch by inch.
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So can you give us an example?
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Especially as you're listening to Jefferson if you have a conversation
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Or there's something that you wish you could communicate more effectively How do you do it?
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Let's put it in terms of a difficult conversation for them.
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So whoever's listening I want you to imagine you are about to walk into somebody's office
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and there's gonna be that hard conversation in the room
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and let's just say it's a topic of something
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that is it's bad news put your mind wherever it is
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and you walk in and somebody goes so uh
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so how are you how are you lately you've been good
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pickleball games all right well that's that's good well your family's good well listen,
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hey, I have something that we've been talking about, and listen, I know it's not that big of a deal, and I want you to understand.
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You're making me panic.
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Exactly.
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Because I'm listening to you, Jefferson.
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Because of that fear of the unknown, Mel, versus, let's say, the different scenario.
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Okay.
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You come in, say, thank you for meeting with me.
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Mel, I have bad news.
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You deliver that bad news.
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Versus, this isn't going to be a fun conversation.
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you say
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that this isn't going to be fun for us to talk
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about this isn't my favorite conversation i have you prepare them for it often you're afraid to disappoint people
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and what that really is is you don't believe
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that they have enough emotional resiliency to handle it
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so you need to to baby them to tiptoe into the
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water instead of dipping right in people will admire you more they will see you as somebody with more respect
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and more confidence every time when you say what you want to say fully.
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Wow.
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Do you do that with your kids too?
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As much as I can, but of course I'm in a very loving way.
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Gotcha.
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Yeah.
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I mean it makes sense because I think a lot of the advices, and I will admit I think I've even given this advice in the past, is like, okay, well make a sandwich,
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gotta say something positive, and then you stick in the meat, which is the negative part.
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Yeah.
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And people see it coming.
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Yeah, I don't like the sandwich.
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Okay, you just go right for the meat.
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Well, you can put in some bread, but I feel like it's disingenuous to make them have to go, what do you mean? you saying,
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you kind of have to just sit there and wait, and it's painful, rather than going right into it.
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There's still a place to be kind, there's still a place to be very direct.
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And how you talk to your kids depends on your kids' age.
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How I speak to my four and six year old is different how my father spoke to me when I was 16, when I would come to him and complain, and he'd go, you don't have to like it,
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you just need to understand it.
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And it's that whole different mentality of I can deliver all the truth and still be kind.
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I want to pull that thread for a minute
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because one of the reasons why we do not communicate directly with people is
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because we believe that if somebody can't handle the truth or if they're going to have an emotional reaction
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or if they're going to feel like upset or disappointed in themselves,
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that somehow it's kinder to avoid it or soft pedal it or not be as direct.
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And what you teach in a very effective way is
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that it's actually one of the cruelest things you can do to somebody to lead them on, to not tell them the truth,
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to lie to their face and treat them one way, but then go behind closed doors and actually complain about what they're doing and not tell them.
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Wholeheartedly.
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And that somewhere along the line, we have confused kindness with actually lying to people.
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And that's actually cruel.
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In one of the worst ways, especially for people that you love, whenever you skirt around the truth whenever you come at a
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conversation in a very indirect way you are saying to them
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I don't believe you're emotionally strong enough to handle this versus me saying Mel I'm telling you this
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because I know you can handle it
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now you strengthen them
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and often what you say you you you're giving them the
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armor to handle it you're giving them the backpack for the trip that they're about to be on Oh, I love that.
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And you know what else I loved is I love that thing you added there.
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So you, I want to make sure that as you're listening, you are sticking these takeaways into that backpack that Jefferson just alluded to.
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And so you said, first of all, that you just go right in, like just jump right into the deep end of the pool.
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Don't be tap dancing around the topic and delay getting to it.
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This is not going to be an easy conversation, but then you just added this thing that I loved
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which is but I'm telling you this because I know you can handle it
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and I want you to hear the truth
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or I want you to know how I feel about this
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or I you don't have to like it
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but you need to know this and you just lifted me up a little bit
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when you said I'm telling you this because I think you can handle it
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and that makes me go yeah I think I can too
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so lay it on me even though it's kind of suck
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yeah exactly you have to in many ways what you say
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to to them is going to give them the value that you want them to hold.
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So I'm telling you this because I know you believe in transparency.
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I'm coming to you with this, and I know it's not fun to talk about.
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You're somebody who can handle it.
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I know you have big shoulders.
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You tell them the quality that you want them to have, and they will rise up to it.
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They'll stand up straight into it.
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Oh, I love that.
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You tell someone the qualities that you want them to have, and people rise up into it.
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Every time.
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When you say something to them, for example, let's say, Mel,
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I know that you're somebody that takes value in people's words or that you value patience.
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They go, oh yeah, and in their mind they're thinking, yeah, oh yeah, I'm patient.
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Yeah.
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Hey, Greg, I'm telling you this because I know you have an open mind.
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All of a sudden, Greg's like, I do have an open mind.
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Yes, I do.
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And so it is.
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You can do that.
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And same thing when you walk into a room.
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So if you don't feel comfortable saying it directly about the person.
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You can say what this room is.
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What do you mean?
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What does that mean?
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You all can say, I want to make sure that this room is one that I can be entirely truthful in.
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So where would you use that?
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Like at work?
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Yeah, let's say you're in somebody's office.
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Okay.
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It doesn't have to be like the room of truth.
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I'm just saying like wherever you are.
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You say it to yourself?
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You say that out loud.
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I want to make sure that this is a place of honesty.
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I want to make sure that I'm speaking in a place that's It's free to say what I need to say.
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Are we good with that?
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And they go, yeah.
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I love this because, you know, in lawyer speak, you're basically leading a witness.
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Oh, yeah.
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But it works like a charm.
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And I've never really thought about that as a strategy to tell people how I want you to react to something.
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And you add that on to what I call a frame in the conversation.
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So you tell somebody, you go a step further.
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And that is you tell them how you want the conversation to end.
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Okay, so tell me this.
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So let's say you made a comment at dinner.
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Yes, last night.
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Okay, yes.
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So it's this concept of you tell them what you want to talk about.
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You tell them how you want to feel after you end the conversation.
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And you get their agreement to it.
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You'd step into it and say, I'd like to talk to you about a comment you made last night at dinner.
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And I want to walk away from that conversation knowing
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that this isn't a topic you're going to bring up again in front of other people.
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That sound good?
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That sounds like I'm in trouble, Jessica Jefferson.
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So now I'm literally going, I'm not going to bring it up ever again.
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But you get what I mean.
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Or let's say a comment that you made at a meeting last week.
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And I want to make sure that you and I are on the same wavelength the next meeting that we have.
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Does that work?
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And they go, that works.
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And now you have a frame.
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And now you know exactly what the conversation is about and what it's not about because if you talk about everything, then you really talk about nothing.
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You've had those meetings where, all right, everybody, we got a lot to do today.
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We have a lot to talk about.
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And you leave those meetings feeling like you really didn't...
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Like every meeting.
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You didn't talk about anything.
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Yes, that's every meeting that I lead.
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So now I'm going to use your technique.
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Question for you.
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How do you talk to somebody that you don't like?
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Nobody wants to feel fake, but what do you do?
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Well, if you're in a position where you have to talk to somebody you don't like, that does not give you any reason to be less likable.
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It's that mentality of, you know, don't argue with a fool because onlookers won't know the difference.
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I forgot who said that quote, but it's that idea of if you're talking to somebody you don't like, well, you're going to talk to them as if you do.
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How do you do that?
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You just be who you are.
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that you're not trying to convince the other person to like you or convince yourself to like the other person.
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You're convincing the people around you because they're watching you.
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They're watching how you talk to somebody.
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They're watching how you treat other people.
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And if you need to, just go neutral.
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Just stick with basic facts instead of trying to get cute
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and make these offhand comments and roll your eyes and cross your arms.
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Instead, just be very neutral in the conversation.
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They ask you what time it is instead of going, well, you know, if you were here, are you it's oh so you don't got to watch okay instead of doing
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that you just tell them the time be very quick with
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it get in get out you don't need to have more conversation than you need to
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but you never want to give somebody a reason especially somebody
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who's not in the conversation not to like you how do you handle somebody
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that kind of belittles you you're like picking on your weight
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or they're constantly like are you still single like you know
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like you know like you know people like especially people
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that you're close with have a way of belittling you right what do you do in those situations
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when somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult
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that hurtful comment you make them say it again
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because what they're hoping to do and that belittling comment is get
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that reaction out of you
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and instead you find a way to take all the fun out of it
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so when you ask them to repeat what they said you're not giving them
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that hit a dopamine that they were expecting from your reaction.
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They're not getting that that response time from you.
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Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them.
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Then it's just not worth it.
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Then it's just not fun.
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And so when you ask them to repeat it and say, I need you to say that again.
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We need to role play this.
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Sure.
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I'm trying to think of a scenario.
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Like you just said right there.
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You're still single.
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I need you to repeat that.
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Yeah, you so exactly.
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I'm not going to want to say that again because now that spotlight is on me.
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And then also what you lead up with that is you ask questions of intent.
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For example, did you say that to hurt me?
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And now it's this mirror that they feel like, why did I say that?
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Oh, okay.
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And then they start to backtrack.
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Then you don't have to say anything.
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So if somebody says to you, oh, so you're still single?
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I need you to say that again.
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Most likely they're not going to say that again.
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But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said.
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I'm still single.
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That's what you asked me?
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And all of a sudden they realize this isn't fun.
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They're not going to ask that kind of thing again.
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Wow.
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Or you just ask that question of, did you say that to embarrass me?
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Did you say that to offend me?
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Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that.
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What I meant was, And all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're gonna stain your ground.
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Wow
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This is like very eye-opening because I can see both
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situations where I need to use it and I can see situations where I probably
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Say things and I'm thinking particularly to my adult kids
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That probably feels belittling I can think about like our daughter out in Los Angeles
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And every time I see her she's wearing a piece of clothing
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that I don't recognize And so I think to myself
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and oftentimes I will say is that new and I'm thinking in my mind
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Where where do you get the money for this?
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You know like that kind of thing and then she's literally like yeah, I thrifted it and there's this little tiff thing But if she were to say to me,
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yeah, if she were to ask you trying to embarrass me Yeah, exactly.
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Are you trying to insinuate something?
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Are you trying to say something that you're not wanting to tell me?
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Because you're right the question is What I'm saying on the surface,
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but what I'm actually accusing her of is not being responsible with her money It's that mirror.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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Yes, and so it takes away the power of their insult
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Wow when you can take all the fun out of it You take all the oxygen out of their room
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and they realize that they're not gonna be able to control you
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with that reaction that they were hoping to get from you.
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How do you respond to disrespect?
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A lot of silence.
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So often if you just wait 10 seconds, you're going to add distance between what they said and how you're going to respond.
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Because what they're wanting when somebody's disrespectful is the same way with belittling.
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They're saying this to get something out of you.
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Because in that moment they're feeling something, whether it's a fear or an insecurity, whatever it is, you're not going to deliver on that same plane that they are.
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You're not going to be on that same level.
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So if somebody says something disrespectful, you give enough silence to make sure that it's a little awkward.
459
And then you're going to say something to the effect of, that's below my standard for a response.
460
And then all of a sudden, they feel like the dynamic has been flipped.
461
Something as simple as that.
462
All of a sudden, you're now making it clear
463
that what you just said was beneath me
464
and I don't respond to things that are beneath me in
465
that way and
466
so now you're taking control of it now you're leaning into
467
it what they thought was meant as a disrespect they're now understanding
468
that they're in the wrong place I was with somebody yesterday who had just visited their mother
469
and I said to her you know like how did it go and she said well it was fine, but it's my mother.
470
And the thing that drives me crazy is she is extremely disrespectful to anybody that is waiting on us at a restaurant,
471
like so much so that the owner came over and said something to her.
472
Is there a way to respond when someone else is throwing a fit or is being disrespectful,
473
is there something that you can say to somebody in that situation?
474
Depends how your relationship is with that person.
475
I would advise that whoever they're disrespecting, you don't join in it and you make it clear that that is not your behavior.
476
So you're going to be a person that is kind to this person.
477
I've had it before.
478
My grandfather came with me to Walmart.
479
This is a terrible time.
480
And he was in a bad mood, and he was crotchety to everybody we talked to.
481
But I was the one that was, thank you so much for helping us.
482
I appreciate it.
483
Thank you so much.
484
Being overly, hey, I understand.
485
Thank you.
486
And then you have that conversation.
487
I had to have that conversation with my grandfather.
488
How did you do that?
489
I had to put a boundary, a very firm boundary of, if this is the way you're going to talk to people, I can't come with you.
490
if you don't change the tone in which you're talking to people, Papa, I can't.
491
I can't come.
492
And so it very was, what am I saying?
493
You're not being respectful to people.
494
Yes, I am.
495
I would not be telling you this if you had been respectful to people.
496
It's the people you love, and often you have to be their biggest mirror of protecting them also for how other people see them.
497
And so I love my grandfather.
498
I want other people to love him.
499
And that means I also have to make sure
500
that I need to prepare him in a loving way of being very direct.
501
This is how you're talking to people.
502
Has he changed?
503
Yes.
504
We also just don't go to Walmart.
505
It's just saying, I feel.
506
Instead of I think, it is I feel.
507
If that is a feeling that you actually have.
508
In other words, separating the person from the problem.
509
for example let's say you need to criticize a proposal
510
that somebody had
511
or a presentation okay instead of using the word you with
512
it your presentation that's gonna get them defensive instead make it
513
a third person the proposal the presentation the presentation could benefit from a few changes instead of your proposal wasn't
514
that great so you find ways of objectifying the you're separating the person from the problem itself
515
so that's a way of expressing how you feel about a certain thing.
516
Can I stop you right there? Of course.
517
Because I immediately see an application as a parent or as a roommate, where as a parent personally,
518
I will throw myself under the bus here, I have never done that.
519
Your room is a mess.
520
Your stuff is everywhere.
521
It's accusation, accusation, accusation.
522
So how would you use this?
523
Yeah.
524
Technique
525
to be more effective at communicating when you're talking to kids
526
or you're talking to somebody that you live with
527
and you want to use this strategy of removing the Kind of you're wrong right from the thing
528
that you want them to do.
529
Can I give the listeners a thought?
530
Absolutely, you can do whatever you want.
531
So let's say Well, you and I are at a table right now.
532
Well, and let's say you and I are disagreeing about something Okay, and in the middle of the room, let's just put this as the problem.
533
Okay This is the problem.
534
This is how I see the problem.
535
Okay.
536
And you're going to argue, this is how you see the problem.
537
Right.
538
Great.
539
Now, the issue between us is not each other.
540
It's the problem.
541
But in the real conversation, it's hard to get out of that.
542
Instead, it's me pulling my chair and saying, Mel, come over here.
543
Come sit next to me.
544
Let's talk about this problem.
545
What are we going to do about this?
546
So instead of, your room's not clean, I see the room still isn't clean.
547
What should we do about it?
548
It's that idea of trying to get them to let's look at the problem together How do you find ways to?
549
That's what I mean by separating the person from the problem instead of getting on to you and saying oh You're lazy.
550
You don't understand.
551
You're so stupid.
552
You're such an idiot
553
Instead of that the problem is the problem on the table come sit next to me
554
and let's talk about the problem And now instead of opponents or teammates Your kids are screwed.
555
I mean, I had this whole visual, as you were saying this, of me, like, frustrated, yelling,
556
or stressed, or exacerbated about, like, the pile of laundry, or the state of the room, or whatever it is, and then making a fuss about the problem.
557
Which only puts somebody on the defensive.
558
Every time.
559
Versus like imagine if you're standing in front of the kitchen sink with your family
560
or you're standing in front of the living room with your roommate, right?
561
And you're like, this room's pretty messy.
562
What should we do about it?
563
Exactly.
564
Completely different approach.
565
Without a doubt.
566
And it's this idea of having kind of a need check of saying, let's take a time out.
567
I want to make sure that I have time with y'all to do activities.
568
We also have a need to do the dishes.
569
I need help with that.
570
Or I have a need for your room to be clean.
571
I have a need for this house to be clean.
572
What's your need?
573
How can we help with that?
574
So when you use the word help, people love to be helpful.
575
This ability to, instead of just attacking them that you don't understand, you don't get it, you're lazy, or you don't care.
576
Those are all words I just cut for no reason.
577
When your problem is not them, the problem is the issue.
578
Wow, you could use this with anything.
579
Anything.
580
You could use this if somebody's playing too much video games.
581
You could use this if somebody's not taking care of themselves.
582
The problem isn't the person.
583
It's the issue that is bothering you and this need
584
that you have to see somebody either doing better
585
or to see the house picked up or to see like people helping out.
586
That's freaking genius.
587
I'm a little concerned because given that I'm a talker, it's easy for me to take this advice and just go blah, blah.
588
Like I can apply it immediately because I am not uncomfortable talking to other people.
589
And I haven't had social anxiety since law school.
590
But there are a ton of people that listen who do.
591
And I can think of a particular friend of mine who is so amazing.
592
And the second she's around other people, she just kind of clams up.
593
Do you have any specific strategies
594
or advice for somebody who would like to be better about just speaking
595
and feeling more confident about it
596
or feeling like I can display authority a certain way
597
if there are certain phrases
598
or strategies like what how do you coach people in becoming more comfortable in
599
that regard I coach people the same way I coach my legal clients.
600
Okay.
601
And I walk them through a series of steps because you know as well as I do, when we send somebody out to be cross-examined,
602
we're giving them up to the wolves in many ways.
603
I mean, their credibility, you have somebody who wants to hurt their credibility.
604
There's somebody who wants to prove them wrong, call them a liar.
605
So how do you equip them with the armor to take that on?
606
Some of the basics of what I talk about is I want them to feel that they can say things very succinctly.
607
Meaning, often people who are nervous to talk, have that social anxiety, they say too much, then they felt like they didn't say anything at all afterwards.
608
And that just means they're watering down what they're saying.
609
Okay.
610
Let's put this in a scenario.
611
Okay, so, sorry to pause the email, but I have this, well, I mean, it's not really this thing,
612
but it's, Okay, so essentially what I really want to say is this isn't really something I'm too, too comfortable with, you know?
613
But I mean, that is what you see the 99% of.
614
Yes.
615
The 1% says, takes a breath, lets their breath be the first word that they say, and says, this is not something I'm comfortable with.
616
Period.
617
You see how different it is?
618
Yes.
619
The same thing, same, I mean, it's the same objective.
620
one is watered down, the other is served to you straight.
621
And so you find ways to eliminate the water from your drink, so to speak.
622
You got to get rid of all the ice cubes, the over apologizing, the putting your words down before you even get them out.
623
That's where you experience real growth and real change in your sentences.
624
I want to make sure that as you were listening to Jefferson,
625
you actually heard that because the single most important thing that you said was taking a breath is the first word.
626
Exactly.
627
And so if you're somebody that just opens your mouth
628
and all kinds of stuff starts coming out
629
and then you start to of course feel more anxious
630
because you've lost control of what you're saying and then
631
that just makes you keep going and then you get flustered
632
and then your face turns red and then now you're like I'm never talking again
633
and I didn't even say what I meant to say yeah your breath is the first word
634
and then you're coaching us to really think about what do you actually want to say hmm
635
and so for somebody that has a hard time in a social setting
636
and you are walking into a party you don't know a
637
lot of people you're walking into a networking meeting you don't know a lot of people
638
and you want to prepare yourself to be able to say something is there an opening line
639
or a way that you recommend
640
that people start to just practice the art of just talking to other people
641
because a lot of people find it very challenging to just strike up a conversation with someone yeah
642
that that is difficult i would say that just focus on one person okay even though though it's a room of plenty, you can be in a room and feel like you talk to everybody,
643
but you just scratch the surface.
644
Trade that for a real conversation with just one person.
645
So there's plenty of times where you've left a meeting or you left an event and you go, man, I really like this person who I got to spend
646
a quality six minutes with versus just a bunch of pleasantries of, oh, hey, how you doing?
647
How's your kids?
648
We should get together.
649
And you never get together.
650
Right.
651
So I would tell them one, quantity does not equal quality when it comes to networking or any big rooms like that.
652
It's not how it should work.
653
Just focus on one person.
654
Two, if you want to break the ice about something, you can always start with something of just how they're doing in their life, what they're excited about, what they're looking forward to.
655
Okay.
656
When you ask the just how are you people talk about
657
the past they rarely talk about the future the future is a lot more exciting
658
because then you can go about something people typically tend to
659
speak ill of what's been going on they're bad on it
660
they're more negative on it they're typically more positive about the future oh that's a great tip
661
so you take a breath and then you ask somebody
662
so what are you excited about or why are you here what would you say
663
if you were walking into a networking meeting?
664
I would say, what are you most excited about today?
665
Something as simple as that.
666
Wow.
667
Well, I'm most excited about talking to you, Jefferson.
668
Yeah, same here.
669
Jefferson, one of my favorite videos of yours is where you give advice about answering the question, how are you?
670
I mean, you hear it every day.
671
It's the first thing we tend to ask anybody.
672
You can handle that question a lot better if instead of answering that question, talking about the past.
673
In other words, typically people like to say, I'm good, I'm fine and it's been okay today or the another day in paradise kind of
674
You're here that I live in the dream
675
Is to talk about what you're excited about instead of being
676
backward-looking look forward you tell them what you're looking forward to I'm looking forward to seeing my kids today.
677
I'm excited about the game on Friday If you talk about the future, it's always a lot more exciting and also don't be afraid to be truthful so if
678
Somebody's asking you how you are instead of just saying I'm
679
actually doing really bad It's okay to say I'm just feeling a little overcast today.
680
You put it in terms of the weather.
681
Oh
682
It's it's uh, it's a lot easier for people
683
that you don't have to worry about the little details You
684
don't have to worry about the little complexities of do I need to explain to them everything that's happening
685
that day Just put it in terms of the weather.
686
That's kind of an overcast day for me.
687
It's a sunny day
688
Bad thunderstorms for me today find different ways to talk about the weather and instantly they know how you're doing
689
That's really cool.
690
I'm realizing that I'm a massive oversharer.
691
So when somebody asks me, how are you?
692
I go into a diatribe of information that they don't need.
693
Well, it's not that they don't need.
694
It's just oversharing can be a hindrance in the long term.
695
It often stems from what I've seen with clients is this need to feel believed.
696
In other words, you feel like they're not buying all what you're saying.
697
So you need to say more so that they know how knowledgeable you are.
698
You know how much you know.
699
But the weird thing about that is typically the more you say something, the less it appears you know about it.
700
So the more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie.
701
And so you have to be careful about oversharing.
702
And what I like to tell my clients is instead of being a waterfall, be a well, you know,
703
Be the place that they can draw information from rather than feeling like you have to overwhelm them
704
and put them on the life raft Jefferson you just changed my life.
705
Oh good Because I am an avalanche and a waterfall.
706
Yeah, and I love this idea that you could be a well and keep it closer to the chest and
707
People can dip in and get the information Exactly.
708
That you want to give them.
709
A bucketful instead of just barfing all the information out.
710
That's another way to put it.
711
Can you give us advice on how you stand up for yourself?
712
So one is, like we talked about, let your breath be the first word that you say.
713
Because what that does is tell people that you heard them and that you're acknowledging.
714
There's a difference between, if you just ask me a question, you say, hey, how are you doing, Jefferson?
715
I go, good.
716
Real good.
717
I didn't really listen.
718
Versus if you asked me that question again, how are you doing, Jefferson?
719
And I said, I'm good.
720
I'm real good.
721
Now it feels like you've stepped into it.
722
Often when it comes to sustaining your ground, it is just slowing down your words.
723
Not feeling like you have to rush anything.
724
Nobody can make you say anything that you don't want to say.
725
If you just find ways to give it a beat and figure it out, you're going to be a whole lot better off.
726
Too often people wait till they're talking to figure out what they want to say.
727
Oh my God, that's me.
728
They take off.
729
It's like going to the airport and just flying and getting on the plane.
730
And you go, where are you landing?
731
I have no idea.
732
I just got on the plane.
733
I don't know.
734
You get in the car and they're like, where are you going? Who knows?
735
I'm just going.
736
I say all that to say, they finally kind of, they're just going in circles on their plane.
737
And they're waiting.
738
You got to help people land the runway often.
739
I feel like that is me at work and in life.
740
But I'm one of these people that needs to talk it out.
741
And where I start is never where I land.
742
And I'm realizing as I'm listening to you
743
that there's a lot of pre-work
744
that I could do before I walk into a meeting or before I just start blabbing with my family.
745
Yeah.
746
And it would be way more effective and helpful for people
747
if I actually knew where I was going before I opened my mouth.
748
It always helps to have a goal in the conversation.
749
It helps to have conversational values.
750
It helps to have conversational goals.
751
So talk to me about that.
752
What does that mean to have a conversational goal and a conversational value?
753
If you go back to the original thing that you teach us, which is you get to choose what kind of person you are based on the things
754
that you say and how you say them.
755
Conversational goals is simply where you want to end the conversation.
756
You want to make sure you understand what this person meant by this comment.
757
That's your goal.
758
Often we start talking and then we lose track of where we're going because we're listening to respond.
759
We're not listening to understand.
760
Often when you go to trial
761
and you're listening to a witness in their direct examination where
762
bad attorneys go wrong is they just start planning out their next question, regardless of what the witness says, versus waiting to hear that whole answer and adapting to it.
763
So conversational goals is just simply where you're headed.
764
It's the destination of where you're going.
765
Conversational values are how you feel authentic to yourself to get there.
766
So I have conversational values that I use in every conversation
767
that I have to make sure that no matter what happens in the conversation, I can't control anything else but myself.
768
It's my values that drive my response.
769
For example, One of my key conversational values is if I can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse.
770
In other words, if we can't meet in the middle, if we can't connect in some way, I'm still going to be a lighthouse for them.
771
I'm still going to be a source of light that if they need to come back, they know where I'm at.
772
I have another one that I use, and that is if there's room for kindness, I will use it.
773
I get that from my mama.
774
I'd come to her with a complaint, and she'd say, well, were you kind?
775
I'd say, well, mom, you don't understand.
776
This person, this person, this person.
777
She'd go, well, I still think you should be kind.
778
It's like, you know what?
779
If there's always room for kindness, if there's any room at all, that's a chance to use it.
780
The last one I use is tell them who I am without telling them my name.
781
So that's that idea of letting my words inform them of who I am without anything of my identification
782
or my status or where I am.
783
Is it the value of how I make people feel in my words?
784
So how do you apply those values?
785
I'm having a conversation with an opposing attorney.
786
He says something that eats, you know, how some of them do.
787
They tell you how great their case is.
788
Right.
789
I mean, every case they have is full of sunshine, no bruises.
790
So you have that chance to say, well, could I just give them a piece of my mind
791
and tell them how bad their case is and how I'm going to railroad over them?
792
Or is there any room for kindness in this conversation?
793
And if there is any room at all, then I'm going to use it.
794
And it gives me the chance to say, you know what, Howard?
795
I got to tell you, you're great at your job and you really care about your clients.
796
I can tell.
797
I can really tell you care about your clients.
798
And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah.
799
You know what I do.
800
I really do.
801
And I feel great about that.
802
And all of a sudden, he goes, you know what?
803
In that rule 11 you want it?
804
I think we can agree to that.
805
That's no problem.
806
If I can inject my values, I don't have to worry about what to say.
807
I don't have to worry about some zinger I have to send.
808
If there's room for kindness, I'll use it.
809
So you find ways to use values to control the conversation.
810
Well, you never regret not being kind.
811
That's a great one.
812
Yeah.
813
And I always regret when I'm not.
814
Yeah.
815
And so one of the huge takeaways that I have
816
is that a lot of us don't stop and think about what the intention is of a conversation
817
and how we want to be perceived and what we want to demonstrate about ourselves by being in it.
818
And it's everywhere from how you walk into a meeting, if you think about what you wanna get out of it, or how you wanna be perceived,
819
then that actually dictates how you're gonna show up.
820
It's like you can use this in absolutely any area of your life.
821
And I think most of us are just sort of going through the day and surviving,
822
And there's a completely different way to think about the way that you communicate.
823
I 100% agree in that if you look at where you are in life, from your romantic relationships to where you are at work,
824
there is a large percentage of that that is solely based upon what you said to that person.
825
That just meant there are thoughts that came from your brain, that to your mouth, that you spoke out loud that have influenced where you are.
826
You said something to that person and they liked it
827
and now they want to date you and they said something you liked and there it is.
828
You met over coffee at the airport or where you are at work at that promotion that you want.
829
You have ways of just simply using the power of your words to influence everything and it can change.
830
Even if you said things in the past that you regret or things you wish you would have said better, you can change everything about your life by what you say next.
831
Are there a couple steps that somebody could take
832
to just walk themselves through the kind of person that they want to be through their words?
833
Because I feel like there's this step,
834
Jefferson, that we don't really take with intention of getting clear that I want to be this kind of person.
835
And it's one thing to kind of use kind words.
836
It's a whole nother thing to have a reckoning with yourself where you say, this is an area of my life that I wanna take control of and I can take control of it.
837
Are there particular questions that somebody could ask themselves
838
that help them get to what their values might be in terms of how they want to change the way they communicate,
839
what they want the world to think about them?
840
Like I often think when I go into a meeting, what do I want people to say when I leave?
841
And it's a trick that I learned when I was a public defender working for legal aid, which is what do I want the jury to say the second
842
that they get out of this courtroom and they get into that meeting with one another?
843
What do I want them to say?
844
And I use that now before I go into a meeting.
845
What do I want them to think about me?
846
And then I align the way that I show up based on the impact that I want to create in that room.
847
I love that.
848
I do.
849
I'm very similar.
850
That's the what energy am I bringing to the room?
851
If everybody's at a table and you walk in and you're coming in, what do you want the feeling to be?
852
Oh, this person's here.
853
What's that energy that you're bringing?
854
Because every one of us has a different energy that affects the room that they're in.
855
Is it, oh, no, somebody's here.
856
Or, oh, great, somebody's here.
857
Or is it the, oh man, somebody's here.
858
Everyone's a little bit different.
859
The biggest tool that somebody can use is ask the question to themselves
860
and also to the person that loves them the most more than anybody.
861
Who do my words say that I am?
862
Who do my words say that I am?
863
And that is a great question to ask yourself or you ask somebody else, who do my words say that I am?
864
because often what you say doesn't match exactly with who you want to be.
865
I would encourage somebody to ask a friend, a spouse, the way that I speak, what kind of energy does that give?
866
Does that give anxiety?
867
Do I rush my words?
868
Do I speak too fast?
869
Do I speak too slow?
870
How do you want to tweak the room to understand how you want to communicate with that next person?
871
So I would encourage, in terms of action steps, It's the question that you need to answer of yourself of who do you want to be with your words?
872
And then what words are you going to use?
873
I think what you have to say is awesome of think long-term of just kind of call your shot.
874
I want to leave that room feeling like I am somebody who's confident.
875
Right.
876
I think it's such an important point because you do have so much power over your reputation.
877
You do have power over the impact that you make with other people.
878
and Taking a beat before you walk in the room
879
or you walk in the meeting or you walk into the party or you walk up to the
880
Sidelines at your kids soccer game
881
To really remind yourself What kind of person do I want to be
882
and now let me align what I say and the energy that I bring
883
To represent that that's the crazy part about it.
884
It's also the most simple Part about it and that is it is simply within your control
885
When you walk away from an interaction from somebody and you I really like that person
886
what was it what was it
887
that you liked they said something nice about me they they
888
smiled they didn't criticize other people it is all has to
889
do with your communication their experience of you is going to be almost entirely the words
890
that you use right in front of them and how they made
891
that person feel how you made that person feel right then and there love this what are your best tips
892
to be more effective at communicating at work?
893
Tip number one would be have something to learn, not something to prove.
894
So anytime you're in an argument, and it's not just work, really anything, when you're in a conversation with somebody, have something to learn from them rather than something to prove.
895
Even if you want to prove yourself, I want to prove who I am, that doesn't come from you pushing your own agenda.
896
It comes from you being curious about other people.
897
And so if you want to be known as somebody who's respectful in the workplace or somebody who's kind, you use kind words.
898
If you want to know somebody who's respectful, you use respectful words.
899
So that means if you talk about somebody and gossip and do something negative, that's what people are going to associate you with.
900
Because it goes even wider than that.
901
If other people associate with you, that bad person, well, then people are going to think differently about them.
902
So it's these circles of communication of what you said, oh, you're friends with so-and-so, you're friends with so-and-so, that are going to influence that.
903
If you want to be more respected at work, use words that show more authority.
904
You can use words like direction.
905
I'd like to set the direction of this conversation.
906
I don't like the direction of where this is going.
907
All of a sudden, it sounds like you're captain of the ship.
908
Yeah.
909
So you're just using the word direction.
910
So you find ways that can influence who you want to be for good.
911
What's one change somebody can make starting today to communicate more effectively with their family?
912
When you need to have this hard conversation, at all times, show them that you love them, that you care.
913
And you do that with the words, meaning you tell them that.
914
I'm telling you this because I love you.
915
Often I know people and you know people
916
that they had really hard childhoods and they just never heard that from a parent, that I'm proud of you, that I love you.
917
So you find ways to inject that into the conversation.
918
I'm talking to you right now because I want us to learn from this conversation.
919
Or I'm learning too.
920
When you're having that, you need to de-escalate an argument with a spouse or a kid.
921
Hey, I'm learning too.
922
This is my first time to be a parent.
923
This is your first time to be a kid.
924
I'm learning too.
925
Don't be afraid to apologize.
926
Don't be afraid to own that.
927
I think from a position of strength, you can really, really own that apology when you need to.
928
I'm stealing that.
929
I often say I'm doing the best I can, but I like I'm learning too.
930
Yeah, that's a beautiful thing It's good for spouses too.
931
Yeah, I mean you can be dating forever, but as soon as you get married and live together I mean, it's it's a whole new world.
932
It is I once I just recently heard somebody say that
933
Second marriages are amazing particularly if it's with the same person
934
This idea that any moment you can change a relationship because you can change
935
Yourself and how you communicate and that's the only thing you can't control You know, I can't control the other person you can only control how you respond to it I am gonna steal everything
936
that you just taught me and I'm so excited that You get to listen and be here and learn from Jefferson too.
937
We're gonna be leaving here going direction Kindness and I gotta tell you this What are your parting words?
938
To anybody who's listening my parting words to you are this
939
you have a power that you haven't tapped into yet and
940
that is just the power of your words
941
if you want to be seen as somebody who's strong you
942
use stronger words you want to be somebody who has seemed
943
to be more decisive somebody who stands up for themselves it
944
is not a course you have to take it is not
945
a book you have to read it is simply how you need to change the next word
946
that comes out of your mouth it is something that can be learned at any point
947
It doesn't matter how young you are to how old you are.
948
What you say next has the power to change
949
Anything and if you use it for good and you use it for light, you're always gonna go right.
950
Oh my god, Jefferson I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but I love I'm like love you.
951
I know that sounds like creepy But you are a huge light.
952
Thank you.
953
Thank you.
954
And my parting words to you I hope you take absolutely everything
955
that Jefferson just shared with us and you use it it.
956
You use it to create better relationships,
957
to speak with authority, to have your words reflect the kind of person that you really want to be.
958
And in case no one else tells you this, I wanted to be sure to tell you, I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
959
And as Jefferson just taught you, it's all in the power of your words.
960
you get to say.
961
How cool is that?
962
I'll see you in the next episode.
963
And I want to thank you for being here on YouTube
964
and making it all the way to the end of this incredible episode.
965
And if you made it this far, do me a favor.
966
Please click here.
967
I know that you're the kind of person that wants to support people that want to help you.
968
So that's one way that you could do it.
969
Just click subscribe.
970
We good?
971
Awesome.
972
Because it's the one way that I know that you're actually enjoying the content that we're creating for you.
973
And if you loved watching this episode with Jefferson Fisher on how you can communicate better, you're really going to love this next episode.
974
This one is with Vanessa Van Edwards.
975
And you're going to learn all about body language and how you can use it to be more confident.
976
I cannot wait to see you there.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 976 sentences and 10856 words to shadow. The speech runs for 58:57. The speaker talks fast, about 184 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 88% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| communicate verb | /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/ | To impart or transmit (information or knowledge) to someone; to make known, to tell. |
| versus | /ˈvɝsəs/ | Against; in opposition to. |
| sudden adjective | /ˈsʌd.ən/ | Occurring quickly with little or no warning or expectation; instantly. |
| kindness noun | /ˈkaɪnd.nəs/ | The state of being kind. |
| argue verb | /ˈɑɹ.ɡju/ | To show grounds for concluding (that); to indicate, imply. |
| respectful adjective | /ɹɪˈspɛkt.fl̩/ | Marked or characterized by respect |
| presentation noun | /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/ | The act of presenting, or something presented. |
| disrespectful adjective | /dɪs.ɹɪˈspɛkt.fəl/ | Lacking respect. |
| topic noun | /ˈtɑpɪk/ | A subject; a theme; a category or general area of interest. |
| mirror noun | /ˈmiɹɚ/ | A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it. |
| proposal noun | /pɹəˈpoʊzəl/ | A scheme or design. |
| anxiety noun | /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/ | An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event. |
| curious adjective | /ˈkjʊɹ.i.əs/ | Tending to ask questions, or to want to explore or investigate; inquisitive; (with a negative connotation) nosy, prying. |
| defensive adjective | /dɪˈfɛn.sɪv/ | Intended for defence; protective. |
| regret verb | /ɹɪˈɡɹɛt/ | To feel sorry about (a thing that has or has not happened), afterthink: to wish that a thing had not happened, that something else had happened instead. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| get out of verb | To leave, exit or escape from; to become free of. | |
| look forward to verb | To anticipate, expect, or wait for, especially with a feeling of approval or pleasure; to be excited or eager to. | |
| come out verb | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | To be discovered; to be revealed. |
| come over verb | To affect in a sudden, unprecedented or surprising manner; to overwhelm a person's ordinarily contrary impulse. | |
| get together verb | To meet, to gather together, to congregate. | |
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. | |
| show up verb | To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically. | |
| stand up for verb | To speak or act in support or defense of (a person, a cause, a belief, or the like). |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 359 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, I'm, don't. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: grandfather /ˈɡɹæn(d)ˌfɑðɚ/, beneath /bɪˈniːθ/, clothing /ˈkloʊðɪŋ/, thread /ˈθɹɛd/, smooth /smuːð/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: presentation /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/, intention /ɪnˈtɛnʃn̩/, accusation /ˌæk.jʊˈzeɪ.ʃ(ə)n/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, associate /əˈsoʊʃi.ət/
- Long words — get the stress right: communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, disrespectful /dɪs.ɹɪˈspɛkt.fəl/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, credibility /kɹɛd.əˈbɪ.ɫɪ.ti/, mentality /mɛnˈtæləti/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like communicate, versus, sudden.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if there's room for kindness, I will use · If there's room for kindness, I'll use |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have been · has put · I've never heard |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | is sent · has been flipped · was meant |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | person who listens · somebody who just · meat, which is |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.