Shadowing Practice: In Her View | Season 4 - Done & Dusted - Learn English Speaking with Video
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I regret meeting a certain people, but then you remind me there are actually lessons in my life.
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Yes.
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You know, the wisest people usually say sometimes we need to break down to breakthrough.
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Yeah.
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Hang on a second, from rugby, my leadership training came from rugby, and the way I do my training education, ngajar, ito kan semua sebenernya datang dari rugby dulu kan.
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And then someone else like, she's a bitch.
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And I'm like, Hello ladies and gents, our fellow viewers.
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It's good to see you back again this week on In Her View by Pancatera.
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It's season 4, baby.
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My shalom.
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God's blessings.
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Season 4.
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I know.
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It's good to be back here.
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Now if you remember last week, Marissa has brought us into a conversation about love.
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Yes.
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About how sometimes we pour every bit of ourselves into the people and things we care about.
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our devotion, our tenderness, our time, our energy, for our spouses,
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our family, our friends, even to the curse and dreams we work so hard to build, that life sometimes finds a way,
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you know, to giving us that little hurt, because we already given all, but then didn't mean to our expectations, right?
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And when that happens, as I said before, we do get hurt.
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So the question becomes, do you regret it do you regret loving
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but you regret loving deeply do you regret caring
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that much do you regret giving all that you can give to
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that person or to that thing even
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if it's at the end it will left you wounded now
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we're rolling in the deep right here ladies remember the song adele We're running in the deep
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Setting fire to the rain Oh no, that's a different song That's how we walk out of this, right?
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That's true And of course, none better for me To share this moment with my sisters Right here on the table
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And also in real life We have Marissa, Anita Hi Love your deck today Heidi
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So cute I know I feel like a farm girl I
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need the cow We need to remember We've done those old Marissa at a farm.
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I mean, she looks very stylish, though.
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Would you retire at a farm?
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No. No. You don't have to do the farming.
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You can hire people to do the farming.
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And dress like this.
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I would just dress like this and live in the city because I'm a city girl.
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That's me, too.
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We have KB.
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We have KBH, Karina Basrawan Hasan, right here.
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KBH.
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Glowing.
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Yeah, two in one still.
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I know.
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Breathe.
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And she's very comfortable this season, by the way, guys, as you can see.
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And we have Kaisuria.
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By the way, we haven't said about your new look last episode.
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Oh, yeah.
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Love it.
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Thank you.
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Love the grunge look.
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Yeah.
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No regrets there.
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No regrets there.
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That's a good one.
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I know.
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I wish.
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That's the end of the episode.
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She said, Bye, guys.
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Bye, guys.
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Thank you.
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Hey, maybe this is the time.
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This is your season for you to have a new look and then just, you know, feel the vibe, you know, feel you, be you, no regrets.
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So we're going to explore what regret is.
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And I'm going to start by trying to find the definition from my old dictionary because, yes, I'm very old school from Cambridge Dictionary.
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Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment or remorse caused by something that you did or failed to do.
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Paired with a wish that you could have acted differently.
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Now, through American Psychological Association, defines regret as an emotional response, and they divide it into two emotions, and that is regret of action.
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Wishing you hadn't done something you did.
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For example, saying something hurtful, making a poor investment.
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That's 42 years of my life.
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And you have the regret of inaction.
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Wishing you had done something.
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Not applying for a dream job.
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Not expressing your feelings to someone.
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So ladies, we're going to talk about regrets today.
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So love last week.
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Today is about regret.
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Yes.
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Any regret loving someone?
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No, I'm just kidding.
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I'm like putting a gun on everyone's end.
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Actually, I used to regret it, but now I don't.
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All right.
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Okay, so let's explore this.
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You never regret it.
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No, no. I've loved the people that I've loved, and the people that I've loved had purpose to be on my path.
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They helped me grow
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so no no regret I thank all of them who have come to my life
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and teach me something even though let's say
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if they cause pain in your life absolutely and the memories yeah well because I mean the way I see it Well,
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you guys know that I am no longer married to my previous husband.
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Yeah.
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But even at the end, we both saw our 17 years of marriage.
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We thank each other for the journey that we've gone through together.
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Yeah.
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Yes, of course, we acknowledge the...
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We acknowledge some of the hard facts in our marriage.
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And we also acknowledge the beautiful memories.
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Yeah.
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So even until now, me and my ex -husband are amicable
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and we try to create this new form of relationship and we have a pack almost where it's like,
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okay, the past is in the past.
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Let's focus on the present moment and the future
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because we can only rely on the present moment to build a future that is better for us.
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That's maturity right there.
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Yeah.
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Hopefully.
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I have to learn a lot from you from that point.
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but what about you kb and kai do you have any well of course regret
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and love regret of action inaction and those small little regrets
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that you do you know on a day -to -day basis okay
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when it comes to love uh 36 year old kai yes sounds more like marissa
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but when it happened like when i was 21 22 it definitely didn't sound like
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that but that's the learning curve right yeah It took me a while to be able to realize that.
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And it's a journey to be able to see it that way, to have that awareness that, oh, they come, they were meant to be here for me to learn something.
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But recently I came to realize something that I do kind of regret
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because I listen to people instead of listening to my own convictions in my heart.
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So I think what happened was I regret that for the sake of fitting in,
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I decided to shrink myself and hide actually what makes the best part of me.
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Right.
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So, for an example, this is really, really simple.
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Yeah.
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For an example is my rugby background.
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Okay.
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Like a lot of people know I hardly ever posted online.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I hardly ever posted online um and uh because
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so i've been in this rugby organization
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and then you know background i've i've been since i was
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just like fresh grad even since college i've already been it was a very long time
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so it's even longer than my career um so i graduated
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and i was going to start my career right looking for jobs
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and i had the cv and at
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that time i didn't have much work experience
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but i thought organizational experience also mattered right of course
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so everything in my uh my cv at the time seemed rugby heavy
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because that was most of the experiences that i got not
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because of anything else right yeah but uh
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so i forwarded to one of my seniors uh just for for him to look at it
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because and and he's and i wanted to tap into his network
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and things like that he was one of my mentors you can say like that
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and you know what he said he said this cv is to rugby heavy no one's gonna hire you yeah
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and i think my regret was i was not in a place
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that i already understood the world understood myself because i was
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so young of course and then i realized i think
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that one thing um made me realize that yeah i hid my rugby
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because of that so i shrunk it in my cv I shrunk it in my life, in my social media, sampai akhir -akhirnya aku merasa, hang on a second, from rugby,
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my leadership training came from rugby, and the way I do my training education, ngajar, itukan semua sebenarnya datang dari rugby dulu kan, and my experience comes from there,
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and now that I am teaching in other fields, like in communications and things like that, people started like, kenapa lo ngajar, lo kan ga punya pengalaman ngajar,
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ya ga juga gitu kan, I've been doing this, I've been meeting people, on the field, there are a lot of people who see it like in the rugby field,
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something completely different.
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Like you would have to search and look it up because it's not obvious.
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And I regret that.
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It's supposed to be your strength, no?
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Especially this sport that's very niche in our country.
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I thought that, but then it was also rugby.
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So it's a stigma thing like, ah, girls don't play rugby.
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Was your mentor based here?
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Yeah, and probably he doesn't play rugby.
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Oh he does, oh he does, he's not even Indonesian, interesting right, interesting, so that that's, Yeah, it's like, maybe I'm wrong with you too.
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Even when I was like, Of course, of course.
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Yeah, we all were always like that.
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Yeah, we were always like that.
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Now I'm like, you know what?
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It's amazing because rugby, there's leadership, there's teamwork If you look beyond just the sports,
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there's actually a lot of skills Because a lot of people will come and ask me, why are you doing this?
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I was like, why do you have a career and you do this too?
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Why like nobody wants to know about it?
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That's all I heard So I was like, who said nobody wants to know about it?
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A lot of people did Maybe the people who asked you that, they're quite boring Oh maybe,
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I don't know, but I regret that I listened to them instead of listening to them What about you?
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Well, I mean, any day -to -day regrets?
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Day -to -day regrets?
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No, I don't have day -to -day regrets, but my only regret would be, I don't call it regret,
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but it feels like it's sometimes that I don't kiss my kids more often before I leave or when I come home.
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So you have to go early in the day, and when you go home, they're already asleep?
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Exactly.
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There are those days.
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Yes.
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All right, what about you, KB?
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I think I'm at that point in life where I just, I don't, I don't regret.
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You don't regret?
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Things anymore.
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Like you, Marissa, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
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If it's, you know, more on the side where, more on the painful side,
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then maybe it's there to teach me a lesson that requires me to grow, which I will then thank later on.
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um
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so yeah i wouldn't say i probably just some day -to
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-day regrets carol like like drinking coffee on an empty stomach
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and maybe suffer for three days yes why did i do
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that yeah and then even then it's like the kind of regret where you're just like why were you
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so stupid yeah why did you do that yeah
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and then you know you kind of beat yourself up for like 10 minutes and then And you kind of...
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Hold on.
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Move on.
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Yeah.
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Like, I just...
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Yeah, I...
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But it seems that you guys are just, you know, accepting whatever that is happening in your lives, right?
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There's that acceptance.
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And then for one, to finally meet and kind of accept the reality, it takes process also.
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And what about you?
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Okay.
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Regrets.
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What do you regret, Caroline?
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Oh, yeah.
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Well, I mean, I regret meeting certain people, but then you remind me there are actually lessons in my life.
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Yes.
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So, but yeah, I just now finally know that I need to know my boundaries.
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That's all.
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And listening to my little heart when it's already giving this little alarm that the signals is not right, then you should listen to it.
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And then I also, like you said, Kai, you were saying that how,
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you know, people like to kind of push you to think cornering you somewhere, right?
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But then I always kind of like see it how people can see everything in a helicopter view.
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Sometimes we can't really reflect or we can't really see ourselves, you know, in a more clearer picture.
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But then other people that we trust, that we love, and their opinions matter to us, those people I would listen.
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And then I would reflect back to myself so um any regrets
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yeah okay maybe last year i would regret um being no i would regret not
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because of the situation that happened but why i have to feel
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so hurt that badly i think like i uh i made myself
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so pain in pain because of a certain behavior
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or someone having this behavior towards me it shouldn't it shouldn't affect me
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but you know i would even have a different way of seeing even
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when you broke down yeah you know the wisest people usually
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say sometimes we need to break down to break through yeah
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and look at you now you've broken through because you had
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that really low point and we were all there exactly
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because you guys were all there to carry me up above the surface again
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and if not oh my gosh all right but
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so enough about me now
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when we're talking about regrets though um is there any uh particular situation where you guys made the mistake
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that you felt like i wish that i hadn't done that or said that in any parts of your life
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I think it's always good to have the ability to reflect and to realize,
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oops, I think in that situation I've made the mistake.
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Yes, yes, I definitely have.
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What did you do?
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Oh, I just realize it usually when I go home.
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And it's just like...
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Yeah, I shouldn't have reacted that hugely.
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I could have just sort of like, you know, and then the next day I really make the effort to change the way I react.
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Yeah.
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But not everyone is like that though.
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Yeah.
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I mean, but that's the thing you need to, you need to hone the skill of being human to raise the awareness.
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You have to be aware.
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Like when you've done something, when you protect your ego, for example, right?
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When we're in an argument, for example, and usually there's this tendency that, oh, we want to win.
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I mean, that's, everybody's like that, you know?
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But then, then you realize like, oh, maybe, maybe I reacted a little bit too much.
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Maybe next time I will really just be aware of this tendency of mine to guess, you know?
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and then try as best as you can to just like, okay.
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That's a conscious decision that you have to make.
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Like you said, being aware of yourself, right?
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Yes.
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I mean, for some people, it's really hard even to apologize, to say I'm sorry.
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It takes awareness to be able to do that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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What about you, Kibi?
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Yeah, no, I think I agree with Marissa for sure.
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I think it's certain, sometimes, you know, as humans, in the heat of the moment you say things you don't actually mean
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or you do something
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that you don't actually mean like you know how I think
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it was season two I had a thing for slamming doors
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yeah yeah do you still slam doors by the way yeah our front door is a little squeaky now
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so definitely something I uh regret doing I was like oh we could not have a broken door
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if I had not done that.
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But did I apologize?
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Eventually.
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It takes to the door.
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It takes the deflation of ego, right?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Conscious decision to deflate the ego. Of ego.
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And that requires time.
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Yes.
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You know, it requires time, effort, and awareness from yourself
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to realize that okay i did that
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that was not really necessary i could have been better at handling the situation i could have reacted differently
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that would have a different outcome that didn't involve a broken door
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so okay i'm gonna try and be better and actually
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that was the last time i saw what was the solution
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invest in a punching bag oh yeah yeah i do i
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i do it's like a uh a squishy yeah it's horrible
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yeah i was like okay i'm gonna like make sure i'm
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i'm just i can teach myself to be calmer next time
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and just squeeze the ball yeah yeah when i need to
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and it's been it's been working because that
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that was the last time i slammed the door substitution
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that is growth yeah yeah but it's the awareness
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that you need exactly to face consequences like like knowing yourself
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that this is gonna you know this is gonna trigger me
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so what am I gonna do next time it triggers me yeah without reacting the way I did
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because I feel like I think I've said this before I'm
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on a mission of carpe diem that's my life motto right now I'm gonna live this is the day
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and I will live
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I will die with zero regrets the goal is to die with zero regrets
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so what is it that I for me it's always been what is it
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that I have to do to be able to die with zero regrets
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it means that I have to be happy to the fullest I have to be regulated to the fullest
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and and I've been like step by step working on you know certain things in my checklist the things
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that you know that I could do the rugby thing included in 2026
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and I really feel like coming into life with this mindset of you don't want to regret just means
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that you are going to be more calculative
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and more strategic at you know what you do
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because then you're going to weigh the risks the consequences is it worth it
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or not my energy
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and i think i've been i've been liking myself more since i've been doing
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that because i've been regretting so much less or like even
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if i make a mistake it's yeah like i'll be myself up over it
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because hey we're human yeah but then okay i gotta fix this
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or do i not fix this or how can i mitigate the situation that's it
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and perhaps one of the skills that i would add to the wonderful skills
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that you already said Kai is to be able to communicate skillfully
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because oftentimes we regret some things because we didn't say it yes yes
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so to be able to openly communicate what we feel what
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we want even our expectations in a clear way in a compassionate
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and kind way so that the other person would understand
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that would be another skill that I would add yeah yeah
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that I think that is something that right now I'm on progress also because I'm that person that is always
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texting or knocking on someone's door and asking, did I do something wrong?
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Because you can know that people, I'm saying this if I felt that I did make a mistake.
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Sometimes I don't know if I make mistakes or not, but then you'll see the changes of the behavior of the other people, their mimics and whatnot.
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And then I would be very upfront and tell them, did I do something wrong?
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If I do, I apologize.
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I'm sorry.
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Maybe this is something that I'm not aware about.
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It triggers you.
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But for some people here, especially in Asia, For them that's like
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They would never I mean I rarely have people As opposed to you guys
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That would tell me up front Like no you know what
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Carolina I think you're just like a little bit too much
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Or like Maybe it depends on
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which area In Indonesia no Okay I mean like the eastern part of Indonesia Our eastern sisters
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and brothers They're quite direct Yeah Whereas maybe the western part They're a little bit more
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I think it's more this island yeah yeah yeah not
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that i blame them it's okay because it's their character
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and they're you know how their culture is like that
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but sometimes i felt that it'll be easier
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if you can communicate with me
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because i want to be around the bush yeah yes right yeah
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but again i i understand so then we have to meet in the middle
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and sometimes when they need the space they would need the space
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but then if i do a mistake i i would just like to apologize
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because i don't want to die with a lot of regrets
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as long as when i die i already said you know i didn't want piety
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and i am so sorry i hope you accept my apology you know
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and i already apologized to you but there are also some people
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that you know hopefully when viewers are listening to this
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that you can also trying to have a you know progress like us going through a life with the tools
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that we've already mentioned and then we cannot be a better self
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because there are some people that has this victim mentality within them
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when they make the mistake so i'll kind of love your face
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when they make the mistakes they felt
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that they are the victim i wonder i think that there's a lot of people like that yeah
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so i would like to share with you this is actually a book recommended by marissa yes
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and this is by Scott Barry Kaufman where he says
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that according to him there's a victim mindset what is a
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victim mindset well this includes feeling powerless over your life constantly
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blaming external forces ruminating on past hurts seeing yourself primarily through suffering
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and avoiding growth
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because pain becomes a part of identity yeah that's not good
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in the common science number one chronic blame again constantly believing other people's circumstances or the world are entirely responsible
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for one's happiness
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or your unhappiness seeking validation through suffering feeling emotionally attached to being seen as misunderstood wrong
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or perpetually unlucky and resistance to responsibility interpreting accountability as blame yes have you met anyone like this before
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My toxic ex -boyfriend Okay, you go first That's actually the one thing that I Did regret
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when I was 21 But now I can say 36 year old me Happily married
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Alhamdulillah I was meant to learn all those toxic traits
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So all these red flags don't come back As early as
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possible Thank God I learned it at 21 Not later in life
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But I just wanted to say that
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when it comes to victim mindset i feel like i was taught from very early on
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that you know nobody is going to give a shit about you no yeah no we're not
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that important no we all need to realize that we are not
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that important no let's not take ourselves too seriously now this
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can actually be a double -edged sword in a way okay
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because growing up with that mindset means
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that i always had to rely on myself now asking for help that's a different story yeah
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but at least uh i know
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that uh the double -edged sword came to a point where in the beginning i wasn't i was
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i wasn't blaming other people
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but then i started to blame myself for everything yeah yeah yeah
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but then you have to learn with self -worth it's like that's a journey on how to deal with
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that but then my grandpa comes in and just tells me simply why do you worry about like that?
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It's called accountability, Kai.
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Why my parents never told me that?
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And she's like for everything that you do you will have to be ready to be responsible for the consequences.
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Yes, right.
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That's why our grandparents are there for the wisdom.
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Yes.
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Very wise.
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I miss them.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, I mean accountable for what you did.
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Yes.
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And if that person needs the time and space give them the time and space.
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Like, let's say if you were the one that makes the mistakes, right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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But I feel like there's some people who just can't wrap their heads around that.
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They don't see it, though.
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They don't see it.
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Do they think that they're the victim?
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Always.
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Always.
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Because of some traumatic circumstance that's just happened.
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And then they find justifications, right?
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Yes.
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And then it's like, well, we all have our traumas.
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You know, we all have our stories.
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You're not the only one, baby girl.
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Exactly.
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Like, for you to always be the victim and make yourself a victim,
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all the time then it's like come on like you you you lack awareness
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because you don't realize
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that oh around me surrounding me there are people who may
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have it harder than I do whose trauma may be worse than mine
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but then if you always put yourself in with
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that label as a victim then that's that's all you'll ever
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be you have to be able I think the challenge though
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is finding the balance yeah i get it i get it
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yeah the finding the balance between not invalidating your own feelings
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because then it's a it's a trip down the self -worth yeah
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but but it shouldn't right yeah
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so it's it's finding the balance between tidak menyalakan diri dan tidak menyalakan orang lain
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so is it more of the situation or
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because of the action i think it's how it's how you reflect like usually i find
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when i have conversations with people who have this victim mindset they always talk about them
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and their own perspective like how it's hurt them how it's in
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but then usually the situation would involve more than one person
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of course I agree with you guys let me use the term it's called co -creation
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so whatever situation that we are in is actually our co -creation it's the creation of
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that person and the creation of us
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like for example when you know when a couple separate you know it's like
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it's not only the fault of one person you know and it's not about whose fault is it actually
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it's actually how the pattern that is co -created within
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that coupledom is no longer working for the two people's well -being inside the relationship
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because they may grow yes they may grow different ways
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or they you know one person may be stuck in victim mentality and then the other person is not.
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It's like, it's just, it's just a co -creation.
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So I think it's lovely that you said about that theory from Scott Barry Kaufman.
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I love the guy, by the way, he's great.
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That, you know, taking responsibility, accountability that, you know, it's like this happens not only because of that person.
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I must have a kind of contribution in the way I act, in In the way I speak, that is creating this issue within, yeah.
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And plus, orang -orang yang terjebak dalam mentalitas korban atau victim mentality, sebetulnya yang rugi adalah dia sendiri.
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Karena dia yang meletakkan dirinya sendiri dalam penderitaan itu seterus gitu.
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Tapi ya mungkin ada orang -orang yang nyaman demikian.
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Karena memang mungkin dari kecil itu terbiasa melihat itu waktu growing up
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or he's comfortable with the position because he's got a lot of attention if I'm a victim, I'm a victim, I'm a victim, or the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other,
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the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other,
455
the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other,
456
the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other,
457
like first second time you see that you feel compassion towards that person's situation, right? but if you've already talked about it,
458
you've given advice, but it's their choice not to change in the situation then there's only so much yeah, but it actually makes them...
459
atensi maya ituloh that, apa, maya itu apa, bahasa inggrisnya? virtual, no maya is like a...
460
fake Yeah, like surface level, surface level essentially.
461
Superficial.
462
But we also have to underline here that there are real victims.
463
Yes, in a situation.
464
So, the victim and victim mindset is two fuller opposite different things.
465
But usually the victims of real life are the survival skills that are very common.
466
They are the victims of real life because they want to get out.
467
Because they want to get out of the story.
468
They are the victims of real life and I want to get out of the story because the situation is stuck.
469
Yeah, exactly.
470
And then as opposed to the victim mindset who loves to create.
471
It's comfortable for them to be that.
472
All right.
473
So, I mean, it seems that you guys already shared with us how you make peace with your past regrets.
474
I mean, we are growing older.
475
You know, where our experiences are, we have many more experiences.
476
I just want to add on here for some of you
477
that is maybe right now need some affirmation for you to make peace with the regrets that you're feeling.
478
We have to have a healthy self -forgiveness.
479
It usually includes acknowledging the truth, taking accountability.
480
We were talking about that.
481
Making repair where possible.
482
What do you guys think about that?
483
Making repair where possible.
484
That's actually really important because it's part of being responsible.
485
Because if you know that you've hurt that person, maybe you need time to roll it over.
486
But I don't believe that it's ever too late.
487
But yeah, don't wait 10 years.
488
You know what I mean? like knocking on the door hey remember me don't wait 10 years yeah yeah
489
or don't just hope
490
that people would forget it i think that's the worst thing you can do bullies do
491
that you guys are not bullies yeah
492
so um i just feel like that's really important it's part
493
of being an adult being a responsible person how about us now i think except kb
494
but we're like above 35 years old i mean we're very different
495
when we're like 20 sometimes when we have like you know arguments
496
or we have some problems within each other we have our different ways to kind of find the resolution
497
but now we're older now i remember my regret oh yeah please do you said
498
that yes because
499
when i was in my 20s i broke up with my first boyfriend through text oh i regret
500
that okay did you and then that's it apologize you joe jonas your ex is
501
that what joe jonas did the Taylor Swift?
502
Oh, no. No, I mean, at the time, it was still T9, right?
503
Yes.
504
And I think I just texted.
505
I can't remember what I said.
506
But now, in hindsight, I'm like, Marissa, that's so immature.
507
You just never spoke to him.
508
No, I've never met the guy again.
509
Oh, okay.
510
So, it's like, if you watch this, I'm so sorry.
511
I was so immature.
512
I was so young.
513
I know no excuse, so I'm so sorry.
514
Taking accountability.
515
I thought she did something so big she was like breaking up through text that's shameful that's true
516
right no I mean it takes two to think we don't
517
know what he did too right he didn't do anything oh
518
no he didn't do anything I mean you dated Marissa Anita
519
so I guess you're a lucky star right there that's it
520
right she apologized that's it it's all good right sir alright
521
and then we have a couple more learning from it
522
and allowing yourself to continue living
523
so um how to make our life peaceful then guys with all the maybe not regrets
524
but the things that we have done in the past that we might feel like i should have done it or
525
shamed yes you shame it how talk to yourself
526
and just really cry it over and if apologizing to a person
527
if it was to a person uh would help then yeah then do it
528
because i just feel like in order for you to be
529
able to live peacefully it's either you forgive yourself yeah i think that's most important you forgive yourself
530
and you move on
531
because how do you forgive yourself this has been a question
532
in my head i i i think i know how to do it but how would you do it kai
533
by telling yourself
534
that i've forgiven myself for it oh okay first i give
535
myself a hug i tell myself i've given myself for it
536
because then then i don't know why i just feel like for me it's always been
537
and the value has always been as long as it doesn't mencelakai atau menyakitkan orang lain yeah
538
I will take a decision no matter how hard it is
539
or no matter how edgy or how rebellious it may seem selama gak menyakitkan atau merugikan orang lain, I do it but at least yang dirugikan adalah gue sendiri
540
I'm more like that type of person because I feel like empathy wise if I do something stupid
541
because I do a lot of stupid things we all do
542
If I do something stupid and I drag something down with me, that would make me feel guilty.
543
So as much as possible, if I decide to do something very risky, it's me.
544
Yeah, it's just me.
545
So then I only have me to forgive.
546
Learn how to forgive yourself.
547
That's quite hard.
548
That's a quite hard one.
549
What's your interpretation?
550
The hardest one.
551
When you hear that, forgive yourself.
552
How do you forgive yourself?
553
Well, not to blame everything that is happening because of you
554
because i like to blame myself more than i should yeah that's sword yeah yeah yeah
555
but it's it's easier right for me it's easier for me
556
to blame myself than to point fingers at other people yeah Of course.
557
Me too.
558
um because that's the tendency when you makes it hard when you grew up in an unstable family
559
the first thing that a child does usually is to blame themselves
560
so you still carry that old pattern yeah to the big caroline now
561
so that's a pattern that you need to break
562
because it's not your fault yeah
563
but it's a pattern that's really hard to break too right absolutely
564
but i'm like looking at you i mean there's a possibility
565
oh there's a possibility for all of us yeah that's true um
566
but yes it's very i would i think like for me uh to pray
567
and spiritually very close to god and be faithful i think i i remember
568
that i am here because of his grace so then
569
don't waste it yes don't forgive yourself and move on there are some things
570
or some situation that you can't really find any solution yeah yeah
571
and it's okay because usually i'm
572
that person like no like you know what is going on like we have to repair this surrender yeah
573
but then when i
574
yeah when i felt like i pray and i surrender yeah
575
if god says it's your time and that person to be done
576
and it is done right yeah there's nothing
577
that i can push forward to do more yeah
578
so that's i think it's just
579
that trying to accept focus on what you can control yeah
580
that too yes because i feel like a lot of people get
581
so anxious because they expect things from other people
582
or expect to receive things and things i'm like nah
583
if i can't control it i won't expect it's not you
584
yeah yeah lower down your expectations i mean acceptance i think if if you're the one that did something
585
wrong that you regret then you have to accept the fact that it's already happened and as kai said
586
if it's out of your reach and control then i don't you know it's important
587
that we lower down our expectations for it but you know
588
if it is within our reach
589
and control then we have accountability for it accept the situation we apologize
590
and we move on and it's the same same for us it's easy for us to say
591
and it's to do i think it's also the severity of the
592
problem
593
and circumstance right like um like i didn't call you back
594
i'm sorry of course like all right it's okay babe like i know you caroline you don't call us back
595
oh yeah now i just don't even she's like baby i'll call you back yeah one month later
596
yeah that's fine those are things
597
that we cannot control yeah exactly yeah we try to change
598
though i do i do i mean like don't change for
599
the sake of us no it's better now it's two weeks
600
we're getting there but we we accept we can't control
601
that we still love you yeah that's caroline's little quirk exactly
602
exactly i mean that's my weakness i'm like i'm very open now or like
603
if you're expecting an apology from an ex maybe right you you think they're the ones who did wrong
604
and they should be the one apologizing
605
and maybe you do have some regret oh i should have done
606
that or i shouldn't even dated this person
607
but the truth is you can't control them no to text you
608
or call you yeah to say hey i'm i'm sorry
609
and then yes it's it's so hard to accept at the time
610
but it's something you also have to tell yourself
611
that okay i have to lower down my expectations also self -affirmation to yourself yeah but
612
that you know what this is out of my reach this
613
is out of my control it is painful it is hard acknowledge that
614
and then you you try slowly day by day to to move on
615
and then you know 10 years later you realize that oh
616
that relationship actually taught me a thing
617
or two about what not to look for in a partner yeah
618
and then you learn from that so boys and girls
619
if you're listening to what these beautiful ladies have just said
620
because sometimes when we're going through it you can't really see
621
it it's meant to be that way it's meant to be
622
that way you remember those days
623
when i remember those days exactly yeah i'm like caroline just
624
stop telling me what to do i he's fine he's nice
625
but at least you ended up with fine and nice yeah yes
626
because he said he's not fine yeah We know what to look out for.
627
Yeah, but remember those days.
628
I'm just like trying to remind all our fellow viewers, when you're going through it right now, I know you're like feeling so bad.
629
You're like in the deep shit right now.
630
Yes.
631
It's okay.
632
In 10 years, you'll be laughing just like us.
633
You'll be laughing with us, don't you?
634
Even sometimes.
635
In this day and age, you know, I still get triggered sometimes.
636
Yeah, of course.
637
I still get triggered.
638
I just need to like… But not as bad as when we're in your room, right?
639
No. Yeah.
640
No, no. Because they say, you know how you've healed and moved past it when the same thing doesn't trigger you the way it did before.
641
That's correct.
642
There you go.
643
That's correct.
644
All right, so ladies, before we wrap up, I have one more question.
645
This is about what's something do you use to value but not anymore?
646
Being a good girl Oh I may be wearing this Heidi costume like I'm a good girl,
647
but I'm not a good girl anymore Cegil garis mati Are you?
648
You can see the plans you have a lot of Cegil
649
But I feel like that's where you are you You're like tapping into this inner crazy Yes, absolutely we all need that
650
but she's always been well you're always been the mature one in the group with a lot of wisdom
651
but you were saying before like I'm not a good girl
652
anymore like was it were you performative before as a good girl I was concerned
653
if I was not playing a good girl that my loved ones wouldn't love me
654
and then there's a period where I realized no I mean as psychologist Carl Jung said you become fully human
655
when you can accept the dark and the light side of that's
656
so true inside so i begin to embrace like
657
if i have dark thoughts
658
and then i just allow my dark thoughts not like i'm doing anything with the dark thoughts
659
but i just allow and that's just very liberating because sometimes we're
660
so busy trying to be like no you should not think of
661
that you should be good you should not think badly about others you shouldn't you know
662
so many shoulds should nots yeah
663
and then we're just humans sometimes we have dark thoughts and it's not like what are your dark thoughts
664
maybe like a very a very subtle one i know like
665
i'm not gonna go we're not gonna go deep here like for example
666
if i feel like back then i would try to be diplomatic quite a lot Yes.
667
Not because I wanted to be diplomatic, but because I wanted to be seen as a good girl.
668
And now, I am still mostly diplomatic, but I can call a spade a spade now.
669
Ah, right.
670
If someone is nasty, I can say, wow, you're being nasty.
671
Yes.
672
Right.
673
Yeah.
674
I mean, that's just a fact.
675
That's how I feel.
676
You're being nasty.
677
That's not cool.
678
Back then, I would be like, oh, maybe because he or she is this.
679
I mean sometimes I still I don't make excuses I try
680
to understand Yeah that's you Back then I would make excuses Oh maybe this Maybe
681
that That's why this person is that Yeah it's useful to be like that
682
But sometimes you need to call A spade a spade Like
683
you're being nasty You're being jahat That's it Yeah Well Marissa's
684
living I'm the opposite Liberating okay I'm the opposite Right I
685
was always the baddie Oh now you're trying to be good Well, no, I'm not trying to be good in a sense, but I feel like softness is not a weakness.
686
Yes, it's not.
687
And I used to see it as a weakness because whenever I was soft on someone, they would hurt me and disappoint me.
688
That was how I grew up.
689
So I always grew up making sure that I was tough.
690
I would take care of myself first.
691
I would push hard because that's how the world raised me.
692
I was pushed to different kinds of limits, right?
693
so that's why allowing myself to feel softness without seeing it as a weakness took a long time so like
694
if she said i'm embracing her dark she's embracing her dark
695
side i'm embracing my light side my my oh good girls like oh yeah karina smiles a lot more now
696
and it's like yeah well that's good i won't be an angry teenager forever you won't be an angry teenager
697
but you're embracing both sides yes right the thing i'm i
698
feel sometimes like i am lucky actually i am lucky
699
that i've always embraced what a lot of people you know labeled as shameful before right um you know
700
because that's where that's how you live sometimes you know on
701
the edge my hair i love it i love it i
702
love your style yeah i love you embracing this style i mean you yeah it's very you i love
703
that i get to wear this with me yes i have
704
like i look from the outside i look like you know this girl like ready to like oh yeah
705
but then like the inside my both sides i just i
706
can't you know having this embrace it i know you are
707
embracing it she is she is better at it now yeah i feel your strength
708
your strength is also gentle yes that's beautiful yes yeah oh
709
yeah yeah what about you keby yeah no i feel like
710
generally we're all um on the same page here i think
711
it's at the end of the day validation trying to please other people giving people what they want to hear
712
when it's really finding that balance to be able to call things out
713
when things need to be called out so you know um
714
i read somewhere
715
when people people can people will some people will say i'm nice some people will say i'm a yeah
716
and believe them both because it depends who i'm with
717
and what they did yes right like yes guys you're an angel to us yeah
718
and then someone out there but she's a bitch
719
and i'm like believe them because that's probably true yeah yeah
720
and that's okay i love i'm unafraid to be the villain
721
in anybody else's story i'm used to it i'm used to it just saying all right
722
so i think i'm gonna be unafraid capital b though
723
it's good that you unpack you you wrap that up with
724
that right yes that's true though we're aware a little bit
725
of both just trying to coexist with both sides of our
726
life absolutely um for me i don't think i'm just gonna add one more i um
727
that i don't value anymore sharing the side of my story
728
i think that's yeah that's my my my one of my values my values right now yes i'm very unbothered
729
you believe what you said you believe what people here
730
or what other people here and then go for it okay
731
so let's just like no regrets from me hopefully no regrets
732
from you too all right viewers hearing our chitty chat today hopefully you will take a moment of reflection
733
and if you have any regrets that is still lingering in your systems
734
if you do
735
so how do you make amends you can share with us yeah share in our chat box
736
because when you share it share your feelings it will take the you know the feelings out
737
and you will not be burnt out hopefully
738
and of course You can always stay safe Right here with us On In Her View By Panchaterra
739
So Thank you so much For being here with us
740
That was a lot to unpack And we'll see you again Next week Yes
741
When we're gonna talk about Something that you do not Want to miss
742
So stay tuned right here On In Her View And we'll see you Next week Toodles Adios
743
Carpet here
744
It doesn't put a bit of sex On the city Our character is like So different That's right But I was like, I don't want to be a good girl.
745
I was like, whoa!
746
I have dark thoughts.
747
I'm like, no, I don't want her to say about those.
748
I don't need the Galatea, but how?
749
Viewers, watch us on Spotify and YouTube.
750
And follow us on our socials.
751
We're on Instagram, TikTok, Threads and X.
752
Yes, subscribe to our channel.
753
Like, share, and comment.
754
Yes, and tag along with the journey with us.
755
This is In Her View, Season 4.
756
Let's connect.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 756 sentences and 8167 words to shadow. The speech runs for 48:01. The speaker talks at a natural 170 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 84% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| regret verb | /ɹɪˈɡɹɛt/ | To feel sorry about (a thing that has or has not happened), afterthink: to wish that a thing had not happened, that something else had happened instead. |
| rugby noun | /ˈɹʌɡbi/ | A form of football in which players can hold or kick an ovoid ball; rugby football. The ball cannot be handled forwards and points are scored by touching the… |
| forgive verb | /fɚˈɡɪv/ | To pardon (someone); to waive any negative feeling towards or desire for punishment or retribution against. |
| embrace verb | /ɛmˈbɹes/ | To clasp (someone or each other) in the arms with affection; to take in the arms; to hug. |
| apologize verb | /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/ | To make an apology or excuse; to acknowledge some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends |
| mindset noun | /ˈmaɪn(d)ˌsɛt/ | A way of thinking; an attitude or opinion, especially a habitual one. |
| awareness noun | /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/ | The state or level of consciousness where sense data can be confirmed by an observer. |
| trigger noun | /ˈtɹɪɡɚ/ | A finger-operated lever used to fire a gun. |
| accountability noun | /əˌkaʊn.təˈbɪl.ə.ti/ | The state of being accountable; liability to be called on to render an account or give an explanation; liability to be held responsible or answerable for… |
| acknowledge verb | /əkˈnɑ.lɪd͡ʒ/ | To admit the knowledge of; to recognize as a fact or truth; to declare one's belief in. |
| expectation noun | /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/ | The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen. |
| yang noun | /ˈjæŋ/ | A principle in Chinese and related East Asian philosophies associated with bright, hot, masculine, etc. elements of the natural world. |
| viewer noun | /ˈvju.ɚ/ | Someone who views a spectacle; an onlooker or spectator. |
| reflect verb | /ɹɪˈflɛkt/ | To bend back (light, etc.) from a surface. |
| nasty adjective | /ˈnæs.ti/ | Dirty, filthy. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. |
| grow up verb | To mature and become an adult. |
| break through verb | To gain popularity. |
| get out of verb | To leave, exit or escape from; to become free of. |
| break down verb | To stop functioning. |
| break up verb | To break or separate into pieces. |
| call out verb | To specify, especially in detail. |
| come back verb | To return to a place. |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 240 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, don't, we're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: breathe /bɹiːð/, faithful /ˈfeɪθ.fl̩/, breakthrough /ˈbɹeɪk.θɹuː/, empathy /ˈɛmpəθi/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, dictionary /ˈdɪk.ʃəˌnɛ.ɹi/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, shameful /ˈʃeɪmfəl/
- Long words — get the stress right: apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, accountability /əˌkaʊn.təˈbɪl.ə.ti/, expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, diplomatic /ˌdɪpləˈmætɪk/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like regret, rugby, forgive.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if it's at the end it will left · if it's meant to happen, it'll happen · if i can't control it i won't expect |
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on | I've been doing · it's been working · i've been liking |
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to regret · used to see |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | has brought · We've done · haven't said |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.