Shadowing Practice: What Actually Drives Attraction (According to Psychology) - Learn English Speaking with Video
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A lot of times people talk about attractiveness.
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As though it is the same thing as how we look.
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And yes, looks matter in attraction, but they are just one piece of the pie.
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I want to talk today about the rest of the pie.
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All of the factors driving attraction that are not physical but are more psychological and to do with connection.
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If somebody has looks and does not have the rest of these things, that attraction is going to die pretty quickly.
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I'm Dr. Thomas with you and I'm a clinical psychologist.
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I also wrote a book on psychology and dating.
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So really attraction is the continuously updating process.
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of moving closer to somebody else.
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physically, emotionally, and in conversation.
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The more connected we become to somebody, the more attractive we think they are.
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when you find yourself in a social setting and you got to interact with people, You can't say, "Okay, pause.
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I'm going to go make myself way more physically appealing." But what you can do is,
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I'm in this moment, I can remember all the things that drive psychological attractiveness and connection.
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And I can make sure to do those now.
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Show those sides of myself.
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What we're really trying to do is allow people to see who we are.
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so that they can appreciate our attractive traits.
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So let's get into these factors one by one that research has found makes us more attractive.
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One of the most powerful drivers of attraction and being happy in our connections with somebody is if they are warm.
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if they're kind, generous, caring, thoughtful.
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In the old days, this is maybe the 70s, These researchers used to go out with cameras,
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hidden cameras, trying to understand in like bars and nicobs and stuff,
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how did people actually find each other and start to connect.
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Like what signals were they sending?
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And what they found, a lot of the earliest signals were signals of safety.
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They were saying, "I am not threatening." We might feel stranger anxiety around people we don't know.
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but most other people do too.
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And if we send enough warmth signals initially, it helps people calm down and feel safe.
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We're not going to attack or criticize them.
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People need to feel safe enough in order to be sharing more vulnerable things with you.
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or to move physically closer to you.
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And that is literally attraction.
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So the reason that kindness is literally attractive is because it makes us feel safe to be vulnerable with somebody.
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That is a reason why this is such a strong predictor of satisfaction when we do get into relationships.
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So, we meet someone early on, we are signaling Hey, not only are we easy to connect with now, we'll be good to be in a relationship with in the future.
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So I remember taking a...
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psychology, sort of like a personality test when I was younger.
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where they would list what your strengths were.
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- And one of mine was kindness.
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And I remember at the time being like, that's my strength.
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That's a lame strength.
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No one cares about that.
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Anyways, I then learned because I went through relationships.
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And so I got to experience how painful it is to connect with people that aren't kind.
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As a result, kindness became my number one personality psychology trait that I was looking for.
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And I understood why in so much of the research
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that shows up as being the number one most important trait for people.
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Talking things like kindness, generosity, caring, thoughtfulness.
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This gets a bit of a bad reputation where people think of it as being nice and that nice is somehow unattractive.
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And that is not because warmth itself is unattractive, it's not, it's very attractive.
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But it is because it's not being mixed with assertiveness or self fidelity.
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So if we are being warm in a way that is giving up ourselves,
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where we are losing our own boundaries or we're giving too much, then that can be problematic.
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The next driver of attraction is self -disclosure.
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Revealing more of who we are.
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So showing and telling people who we are.
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This is In some ways, literally the process of connecting.
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So when we don't know somebody, we're really far away.
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The act of self -disclosure is where we share more about who we are.
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We share our stories, we share our opinions, we start to show our emotions, like our feelings.
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The more that we reveal, we take these steps closer.
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And when we do that, the act of self -disclosing...
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The other person finds us more attractive.
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I see this in therapy all the time where People protect themselves too much and then don't reveal enough,
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which means the other person doesn't really have a chance to get to know them and it stops that attraction connection process.
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The more that we reveal of who we are, the more potential connection points we give people.
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And what also tends to happen?
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If we self -disclose more, it triggers the other person to feel safe enough that they can also self -disclose as well.
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As long as we balance out, Both sides of this, people really like self -disclosure.
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They really like...
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Us paying attention when they talk about themselves, but they also like to know us.
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Really the biggest factors in in people's happiness within a connection is how responsive the other person is to them.
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Meaning, If they are talking about what's going on with them...
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Are we there with them?
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Like are we paying attention?
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Are we getting it?
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Are we responding and we're reacting?
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If someone's mood shifts, Do we notice it?
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Do we care?
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Do we know the person really is what this is getting into?
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One of the biggest predictors of happiness with a connection.
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is feeling known.
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It also predicts attraction and then desire as well the more we feel that kind of connection, it actually increases our attraction to somebody.
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If you see them not really react or underreact or they're on their phone and they sort of half respond, you get that like feels bad.
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It's disconnecting.
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It's unattractive. So, one really attractive.
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part of who we are, is we may well be responsive We may be good.
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at listening and trying to understand what somebody's talking about.
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When we convey we're really listening and we especially to the level of where we get the person.
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It's really attractive.
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If you have warmth...
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And if you're responsive to people, They feel good around you and then they want to be around you more often.
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Communication quality in general increases our attraction and desire for somebody.
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- And this is particularly true for women, but I think it's true for men too.
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If you wanna work on your ability
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to connect with confidence in dating scenarios than I'm going to do a workshop with Hope in the coming months.
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And if you join the newsletter in the link below, I will keep you up to date.
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And I'll also give you some information on just generally optimizing your social and psychological health.
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The next attraction driver I want to get into is honesty.
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And I mean that in a particular way.
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Okay, we know from research lying decreases Attraction?
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And honesty increases attraction.
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When somebody is honest, we feel safe around them.
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because we believe what they're telling us, and we believe that maybe they'll be safe to be around over the long term.
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When someone is honest, it's also a way of being courageous.
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We, a lot of times, will have to be honest, and say things that people aren't going to like A lot.
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When we choose to do that rather than keep it to ourself or like
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sacrifice or tell people what they want to hear.
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We are communicating both a belief in ourselves...
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A belief that we should be truthful and also the trust the other person can handle it.
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What we're trying to do here, we are trying to...
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Own who we are and express that
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so the person can actually know who we are
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and they can actually make a decision on whether they want to connect to us.
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We're saying, I think this, I believe this, but I don't need you to also think and believe that.
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And if we combine that with an interest in the other person... Where do they stand?
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What do they believe?
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And we can accept their position as well as accepting our position.
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That is very attractive and appealing.
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People feel connected to that.
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Another benefit of being honest, like knowing what you stand for, and being expressive about it.
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is that you will be drawing people to you who that is a good fit for.
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they will filter themselves in.
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And by being more expressive about it, you'll be repelling the people who don't agree with you.
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Matching up on values and worldviews is really important.
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The more we're clear about who we are, the better it's going to work out.
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The next driver of attraction I want to get into is reliability.
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This is not a flashy one.
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Do you do what you say you're going to do?
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If you're reliable, then I can rely on you. And that is appealing.
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That draws me closer.
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If you are reliable, then in the research, we find you are less likely to cheat in your relationships.
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You are assumed to be less likely to cheat, but you also are less likely to cheat.
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If you're reliable, that actually is related to long -term satisfaction.
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And it looks like the reason why is If there are problems, this is problems in the relationship.
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if you figure them out, you will put them into action.
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Right?
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So people that are more reliable and do what they say, they tend to learn from mistakes They tend to learn from resolving conflicts.
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And Learn in such a way that the things don't keep happening again and again.
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That is a really valuable trait.
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That's very attractive.
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If you were going to have a child with somebody which is a lot of the marker of what's attractive.
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then you probably want one that is reliable.
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The next driver of attraction I want to mention is a growth mindset.
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We are drawn to people who...
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Believe that they can grow.
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It doesn't matter so much where we are as where we have the potential to be
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and this comes out even in a specifically relationship growth beliefs.
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By this I mean...
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- When you meet somebody, do you have a sense of like, oh, we're either gonna work or we're not gonna work?
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Or do you have this belief that we can learn more about each other over time, we can learn how to adapt,
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we can build our relationship into something that works really well.
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If you have a growth mindset about relationships,
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then that predicts you will have better relationships and you will be happier longer with people.
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Makes sense, right?
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Because if you believe that you can learn and grow, you'll want to learn more about the other person.
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You want to figure out how can I work on this so that they are happier and I'm happier.
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If we have an interaction and a connection, where there is honesty, there's trust,
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there's expressiveness, there's warmth, where We are ourselves, the other person feels safe to be themselves.
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then that is attraction in action.
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That is connection being fostered.
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Even if it doesn't look flashy and eye -catching and the way we traditionally think about attractiveness.
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and look for whether you have any of these traits going for you, or these behaviors that we talked about today.
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You'll notice that a lot of the things we talked about are things that we can choose to do
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when we're around other people.
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That means we have some power
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and control over this what I find interesting about all this we're talking about attraction and how these traits
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are attractive because they really encourage the process of connection.
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- But what is interesting about the human brain is that when we are assessing looks,
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we're not just basing that on visual information.
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who somebody is how they behave, who they reveal themselves to be,
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That also influences our perceptions of how physically good looking they are.
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not just how much we like them, how physically good looking they are.
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If you want to learn more about this and see if maybe you are better looking than you realize, Watch this next video.
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Context & Background
In today's video, clinical psychologist Dr. Thomas delves into the intricacies of attraction beyond mere physical appearance. As he highlights, while looks do play a role, they represent only a fraction of what truly drives attraction and connection between individuals. Drawing on psychological research and personal experiences, Dr. Thomas emphasizes the significance of psychological attributes like kindness, warmth, and generosity in fostering deeper relationships. This discussion aims not just to understand attraction but also to equip viewers with the tools to enhance their own interpersonal connections.
Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication
- "It's important to feel safe in a conversation." - This phrase underscores the need for comfort and security in interactions.
- "I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness." - A great way to acknowledge and reinforce positive traits in others.
- "Warmth can be conveyed through our actions." - Reminding us that our behavior speaks volumes.
- "When we connect emotionally, attraction grows." - Acknowledging the role of emotional bonds in creating attraction.
- "Vulnerability is key to deepening relationships." - Emphasizing that sharing our true selves can enhance connections.
Step-by-step Shadowing Guide
To maximize your english speaking practice using the insights from this video, follow this simple shadowing guide that will enhance your listening and speaking skills effectively.
- Choose Your Phrase: Select one of the top phrases mentioned above. Start with simple expressions that resonate with you.
- Actionable Listening: Play the video and focus on how Dr. Thomas delivers the chosen phrase. Pay attention to the intonation and emotion he conveys.
- Repeat After Him: Use a shadowing app to mimic his speech immediately after he says it. This helps in developing your pronunciation and fluency.
- Record and Compare: Record yourself saying the phrase. Listening to your own pronunciation compared to Dr. Thomas will allow you to identify areas for improvement.
- Use It in Context: After practicing, try to incorporate the phrase into your daily conversations. This real-life application can significantly enhance your confidence and retention.
By consistently applying the shadowing technique, you’ll be better equipped to express yourself effectively and connect with others, making your interactions more enjoyable and meaningful. Remember to make the most of your shadow speak exercises, and check out various shadowing sites to find more resources that can support your journey in mastering English communication.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if you figure them out, you will put |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | are assumed · are drawn · being fostered |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | people who we · people who don · somebody which is |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.