Shadowing Practice: How To Know If Someone Is Actually Right For You - Learn English Speaking with Video

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We've all heard the saying, you do not get to choose the family you were born into, however you do choose the family that you grow into.

I'm Cam, I'm 21, I get the internet perspective and my goal is to impact the world in one post at a time.

Today I will be teaching you how to choose a good partner.

A lot of people date backwards, they meet someone, they feel the chemistry and then they imagine a future and then later on they start asking, are we actually compatible?

But what most people don't realize is by then, you already want that answer to be yes regardless whatever.

And then we start excusing things, we lower our standards, we ignore mismatches, and then we start trying to turn a person's potential and force that into compatibility.

But I don't want that for you.

Because the faster you emotionally commit to a person, the harder it becomes to evaluate whether this relationship is what you need.

You would think we're starting this off talking about what

that person should look like for you

and no we're not talking about them we're going to talk about you

because you cannot choose the right person

if you don't even know what right looks like for yourself we're going to use four things

and i promise they will help you to identify better partners

and make better decisions let's get straight into it first things first you have to know yourself

and i mean like actually know yourself the reality is not a lot of people know themselves

and that really seeps in into how they express themselves

or how they look for partners i want someone who's funny attractive

and nice okay everyone does i'm talking about what kind of

life are you trying to build for yourself what do you

believe what do you value how do you communicate what are

your non -negotiables do you want children does religion matter to you how important is money family ambition affection independence

because i want you to imagine something you really want kids kids are cool for you

and then you meet someone who's attractive kind funny

but absolutely does not want kids see now you don't have a chemistry problem you have a compatibility problem

or maybe your faith you believe in god

or whatever religion you believe in and you that's

so important to you right and then you start dating someone who constantly belittles it

or doesn't even believe it all

and just makes it look smaller than it actually is for you see now beautiful boys

and girls you can really like

that person you can have great chemistry you guys can have amazing dates

and you can still not be compatible i need us to

understand this clearly compatibility is not do i enjoy you compatibility

is can who you are coexist with the life i'm trying to build

and you can't identify what compatibility is if you've never identified it for yourself

but i'm not the guy who just gives you insights i'm

the guy who gives you advice here's what i want you

to actually do today open your notes app you're going to

make three simple lists the life i want what i need in a partner

and what i cannot build around i want you to be ultra specific here

because this is how you actually find out who you're going to become

and who you want to be in your life you can't

say things like oh they need to be nice that's a given okay

that everyone wants someone who's nice you You can write something like, we need to be able to communicate or disagree without them insulting me.

People have conversations and conflicts and it gets really violent.

People can be nice, but people can be very disrespectful when communication is brought into the picture.

So define that for yourself.

Do you want someone who can communicate with you and doesn't turn things into disrespectful combat?

You don't write something like family matters, family matters that should be a given.

You write something like, I want children

and I need someone who genuinely wants to raise them too

because anyone can want kids but are you ready are you active enough to be in

that child's life and grow with them

and grow for them do not write i want someone ambitious that's too broad that's too vague

and honestly that's a little too high of a bar you

will write i need someone who takes their future seriously

because it's one thing for you to not have goals

because it's one thing for you to just be living your life

and it's another to actually have goals having someone who has goals

and has a sense of purpose and direction

that is something you should be looking for in a partner it is

so important that you understand

if you cannot define what you are looking for you are

going to choose based off of what feels good in the

moment separate chemistry from compatibility guys guys guys chemistry is dangerous

when you confuse it for evidence when you feel butterflies for a person

that just means

that person can affect you right seeing them being around them

talking to them it makes you feel a kind of way that doesn't automatically mean that person is good for you.

It just means they make you feel something.

So here's how the timeline usually goes.

You see someone nice, you meet them on Monday, right?

And you're texting until 4 a .m.

And you figure out, wow, this person is amazing.

Tuesday, you start texting them more and you're planning a date on Wednesday.

You go on the date Wednesday.

It's an amazing date.

Thursday night, you're planning the next date and you guys are talking great. And Friday.

You tell yourself, I've never connected with anyone like this in my life.

Maybe, maybe you've never connected with anyone like that.

But guys, it has only been five days.

It's not even a week yet.

You know how they flirt.

You know what music they like.

Maybe you guys did some trauma dumping.

So now you know their childhood.

Because somehow maybe we got there on Tuesday night when we were talking on the phone till 4am.

But you do not know how they handle anger.

You don't know how they handle their money.

You don't know if they keep promises.

You don't know how they respond when you tell them no.

and you don't know who they become when they stop trying to impress you

when the butterflies have faded guys i'm not trying to be the rain on your parade

but what you have is intensity it's not evidence

and recently i just heard a podcast

that psychology actually has a name for people like this for people who tend to fall in love too quickly

and easily it's called emophilia i want you to look

that up on your own it's it's an actual psychological trait

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and it's not a diagnosis But people higher in emophilia tend to just go deeper into the whole romance cycle.

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They just tend to fall in love literally faster.

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So if you can think back and realize that, oh my God, maybe you actually did fall in love with someone too fast.

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Okay, I need you to pause.

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If this is you, listen very carefully.

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Feeling emotions fast does not mean you have to choose fast.

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There is a big difference.

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You can say, I really like this person.

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And you can also say, but I don't know them yet both can be true and

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if you realize that

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that is maturity you can't always control how quickly your heart

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responds to a person these are feelings right you fall in

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love fast you catch feelings it's normal you can't control

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that what you do control however is how fast you give another person a permanent position in your life so

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if you know you're the type of person who falls fast

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for another person i need you to just give yourself a

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rule this is what i want to teach you Do not make major emotional decisions during the emotional rush.

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Don't start planning your entire future after two incredible weeks.

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Don't ignore something very important that you've noticed.

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Maybe a red flag because I really like them.

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No, guys, guys, no. The moment you feel yourself getting attached, you need to ask yourself, what do I actually know about this person?

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And then ask, what am I hoping is just true?

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Because we tend to have two different versions.

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The versions of the person we see right in front of us and the versions we have of them in our head.

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So if this is someone you find yourself falling really deeply in love with fast, you need to stop yourself.

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Open the notes app again, two columns, facts and assumptions.

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Write down what you know and write down what you're already assuming and planning and fantasize.

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This one exercise will save you from confusing the person you have right in front of you

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with the person you have in your head.

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I really don't want you falling too fast and then you end up hurting, okay?

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No. Third, you have to observe this is where time becomes your best friend

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because people can say a lot of things someone can tell

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you i'm super respectful i'm super nice i'm caring okay

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but you need to watch them when things don't go their way

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when situations come up and they are put in positions where how they feel

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contradicts what they say how do they show up for you

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this is what you really really need to watch for

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because they can tell you they're respectful

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but the moment you tell them no they get mad

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and they start making you do something you don't want to do they could tell you they're great at communication

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or communication is important to them but then you guys have your first disagreement

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and they don't they don't even try to fix anything they shut down they walk away

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or they completely disregard your emotions and most importantly anyone can say i take accountability

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but when they mess up watch how they take care of

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that are they able to accept it are they able to

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fix it those are the things you really really need to

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watch out for the thing with us as people is

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that we can describe ourselves beautifully there is no one else

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that can talk about us better than us

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so you need to watch what a person shows you need to watch what they become

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when being a good partner costs them something

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so take for example let's say um you tell them like hey i'm not comfortable with

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that thing whatever it is right and

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if the person you're with right they listen they ask questions

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they actually try to understand you maybe they disagree right

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but they don't punish you for having a boundary all these

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things are good signs of a good person now a bad

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sign they pout they pressure you they mock you they disrespect

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you you know they give you the silent treatment make you

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feel bad about something they do all these things until your boundaries disappear

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that singular moment is what will tell you more about this

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person than all the chemistry all the amazing dates in the world you may have both had

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and it is

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so important you watch how they treat people the way they

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interact with other people matters a lot their family waiters at

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restaurants homeless people people around them just in general you need

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to observe these behaviors in the person you're not looking to actively scrutinize a person for who they are

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but don't ignore the signs happening right in front of you

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anyone can charm anyone charm is easy to show up when you have nothing to gain from it but character

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Character is something that shows up when you have nothing to gain from it.

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That, my friends, is what I want you to watch out for.

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So your most important job here is to stop asking, how do they treat you?

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How they treat you is important, yes.

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But you need to ask yourself, who do they become when life becomes inconvenient?

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That is what you want to watch out for.

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When they're tired, frustrated, when plans change for them, when you both disagree, agree when you tell them no, or even when they make a mistake.

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You want to keep track of patterns, not moments.

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I will never support you having to remember every single bad instance, but if it is a pattern, if it is repeatable, watch out, pay attention and don't ignore it.

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One bad day does not define a person.

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Several repeated habits is no longer a bad day.

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That is information and what you do with that information matters.

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You gotta compare and then choose.

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Now I want you to take what you know about yourself

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and then I want you to compare it to what this person has consistently shown you.

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Not what they could become.

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We have to abandon the whole imagination and potential of things.

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What they have consistently shown you.

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So you don't just tell yourself, oh my god, they would be so perfect only if they communicated better.

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You know, once they mature here, I'm positive things are going to go well.

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I know they have so much potential.

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They're not really like this guys.

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I don't know how many times I need to say it.

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Potential is not compatibility.

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You are dating the person or going to date the person that is right in front of you, not the person they could potentially turn into.

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And that is why standards matter so much.

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And you need to understand standards are not six foot tall, makes a lot of money.

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She has to be super skinny and thin and look really beautiful blonde hair.

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Those are not standards, people.

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Those are preferences.

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Every Every single attribute you want physically in a person is an attribute and there's absolutely nothing wrong with those.

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We all have our preferences, but honesty, that's a standard respect.

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That's a standard accountability, consistency, shared values.

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All those are standards.

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Preference will always decide who attracts you.

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That's how that works.

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But your standards, when you bring them into the picture decides who gets to stay

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when they're in your life and your standards will mean absolutely nothing

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if the moment you find someone attractive makes you want to stop enforcing them

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so it's so important you understand that before you make this person

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or give this person a special position in your life you go back to

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that list we made at the start of the video

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and you actually ask yourself does this person actually meet what i said matters to me

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and not telling yourself could they eventually become this person i need

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and it's so important i let you know

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if something doesn't match immediately that's okay people learn people grow

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but you have to ask yourself

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and maybe them realistically is this something we can fix or are you trying to negotiate your standards

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just so someone can fit the picture just because you're attached

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that is the difference between choosing a person and simply keeping someone just

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because you fell for them

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and there's something really big i want to emphasize on you know

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when people say oh the partner you have is a reflection

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of who you are good people still choose bad people people lie people manipulate people hide certain parts of themselves

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and sometimes we don't discover who a person actually is until much much later

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so choosing wrong doesn't mean you love yourself any less

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but what you repeatedly allow access to after you now know

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that says a lot about the standards you're willing to enforce

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you don't prove you love yourself by never choosing the wrong person it's impossible we can't know everything

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but you prove your self -love for yourself

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when you do something about the knowledge you now know

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and you do something that is in your best interest

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so let's run it back one more time know yourself you

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have to know who you are before you choose someone else

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figure out your standards your boundaries what you actually want from a person

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and what you want for yourself separate chemistry from compatibility those aren't the same thing

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and you don't want to confuse having a good time with someone with you and

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that person actually being a fit you have to observe the patterns you see don't fall for moments observe patterns

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if someone repeatedly shows you

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that they are not who they say they are do something

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about it compare who they are to the life you want for yourself

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and then you choose if you want this or not not

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because you're afraid of falling in love in fact fall in love love is a beautiful thing

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when done with the right person Just don't let attachment make

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the decision for you before your observation hasn't even gotten a chance to finish.

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A good partner is not just someone you love, right?

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We love a lot of people.

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We can love anyone.

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A good partner is someone whose characters, values, and direction make loving them feel safe enough to build a life around.

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I hope this helped in any way at all.

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And if you ever want to talk to me one -on -one, you can, n -o -r -3 -m -a -k .com.

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As always, I'm Cam, and I'll see you in the next one.

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185 sentences

Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This video has 250 sentences and 3001 words to shadow. The speech runs for 14:54. The speaker talks fast, about 202 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 90% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.

Key vocabulary in this video

15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
compatibility noun	/kəmˌpætəˈbɪlɪti/	The state of being compatible; in which two or more things are able to exist or work together in combination without problems or conflict.
chemistry noun	/ˈkɛm.ɪ.stɹi/	The branch of natural science that deals with the composition and constitution of substances and the changes that they undergo as a consequence of alterations…
ignore verb	/ɪɡˈnɔː/	To deliberately not listen or pay attention to.
communicate verb	/kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/	To impart or transmit (information or knowledge) to someone; to make known, to tell.
observe verb	/əbˈzɜːv/	To notice or view, especially carefully or with attention to detail.
compare verb	/kəmˈpɛɚ/	To assess the similarities and differences between two or more things [“to compare X with Y”]. Having made the comparison of X with Y, one might have found it…
define verb	/dɪˈfaɪn/	To determine with precision; to mark out with distinctness; to ascertain or exhibit clearly.
boundary noun	/ˈbaʊndɹi/	The dividing line or location between two areas.
preference noun	/ˈpɹɛf(ə)ɹ(ə)ns/	The selection of one thing or person over others (with the main adposition being "for" in relation to the thing or person, but possibly also "of")
disagree verb	/dɪsəˈɡɹi/	To fail to agree; to have a different opinion or belief.
confuse verb	/kənˈfjuːz/	to puzzle, perplex, baffle, bewilder (somebody); to afflict by being complicated, contradictory, or otherwise difficult to understand
connect verb	/kəˈnɛkt/	To join (to another object): to attach, or to be intended to attach or capable of attaching, to another object.
consistently adverb	/kənˈsɪstəntli/	In a consistent manner.
repeatedly adverb	/ɹɪˈpiːtɪdli/	Done several times or in repetition.
emotion noun	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	A person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Word	Meaning
figure out verb	To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce.
show up verb	To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically.
write down verb	To produce or set (something) down in writing; to record something.
come up verb	To emerge or become known, especially unexpectedly.
end up verb	To bring to a conclusion.
find out verb	To discover, as by asking or investigating.
go back to verb	To stem from; to originate in.
mess up verb	To make a mess of; to untidy, disorder, soil, or muss.

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	someone who constantly · guy who just · guy who gives
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	you've never identified · I've never connected · you've never connected
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	were born · is brought · are put

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 80 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, I'm, you're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “sh” and “zh” sounds: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/, imagination /ɪˌmæd͡ʒəˈneɪʃən/, reflection /ɹɪˈflɛkʃən/
Long words — get the stress right: compatibility /kəmˌpætəˈbɪlɪti/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, consistently /kənˈsɪstəntli/, repeatedly /ɹɪˈpiːtɪdli/, compatible /kəmˈpæt.ə.bəl/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like compatibility, chemistry, ignore.

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: How To Know If Someone Is Actually Right For You - Learn English Speaking with Video

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