Prática de Shadowing: The Secret to Fixing Your Adulthood - Aprenda a falar inglês com vídeo
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At a particular age, you have to do a particular thing.
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And once you learn how to do that thing, then you can move on.
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And so we have a series of challenges in life.
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And when we fail to do a thing, we actually become developmentally stuck.
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And we have to sort of like fix that later in life.
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So if you missed a childhood, is there an element of accepting that that's gone?
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Absolutely.
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But growing into healing can grow into loss
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or growing into healing can grow into fullness
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which from a simple standpoint is like what we call a corrective emotional experience in order to become an adult
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you got to learn to let go of
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that childhood you didn't get like you can't pick up adulthood
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if you're still holding on to whatever
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it was you missed as a kid falling through the cracks of what your parents missed as a kid
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and i focus on this fault
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because i feel like growing into healing is growing into loss
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and losing that and it's interesting because
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when i look back on my childhood i have two memories memories of what happened
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and the memories of what should have happened.
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And that keeps me from focusing on what's happening now.
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Every decision I make, I'm still trying to merge those somehow and win whatever I lost when I was a kid.
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And so now I live in this world that I don't enjoy
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because I adopted this mindset of this incomplete little boy trying to travel back in time and fix whatever wasn't right.
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How much easier would it be to just accept that part of
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that was missed instead of putting my adult development on hold to wait around for it?
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Because childhood is not a progress bar.
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It's not task oriented.
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It ends with age.
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Whatever it was, it's what it was supposed to be.
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It's not a new responsibility.
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Something you got to go back and complete.
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It's done.
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You got to move away from that fault
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because only then can you pick up who you're supposed to be as an adult.
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So I love this because there's a lot of good stuff.
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And there's a part of me that says, if you do what he says, you will end up the way that he is.
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So we talk about acceptance.
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There's lot of good stuff here right so like there's the childhood
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that i had and there's the childhood that i should have
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that growing into healing is growing into loss and accepting
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that this is the way life is and i have to accept
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that right my childhood is gone it'll never come back i will never have
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that joy and if that's the path that you take this is the emotion
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that you will end up with
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because actually there's a fair amount of evidence from developmental psychology there's a lot of good stuff here
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and i i respect this dude for making the poetry it's beautifully read you you know,
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really taps into something that's amazing and tragic about the triumph of the human spirit.
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And I think it's like kind of wrong.
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If we look at developmental psychology, we learn a couple of really scary things.
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That life actually is a progress bar.
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And that if you just leave your childhood behind and you grow into an adult without that piece of childhood,
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and this is what happens to so many people, you will be a sad adult.
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You'll be an adult, but you'll be a sad adult.
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And this is the real tricky thing, right?
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Because we don't know how to reclaim that childhood.
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And so we sort of resign ourselves to this adulthood without a childhood.
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But I think that there's a lot of stuff.
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And today we're going to talk about someone called Eric Erickson.
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And Eric Erickson, I'm not trying to dunk on this guy, by the way.
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I genuinely think he's onto something really good.
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But I think it's poetry, right?
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There's poetry and there's science.
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And poetry speaks to the human experience and really taps into something that I think is very real.
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But then there's the science of it.
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So Eric Erickson comes along and he develops this theory.
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And what he notices is that human beings have particular goals at certain stages of development.
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At a particular age, you have to do a particular thing.
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And once you learn how to do that thing, then you can move on.
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And so we have a series of challenges in life.
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And when we fail to do a thing, we actually become developmentally stuck.
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And we have to sort of like fix that later in life.
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So if you missed a childhood, is there an element of accepting that that's gone?
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Absolutely.
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But growing into healing can grow into loss or growing into healing can grow into fullness,
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which from a simple standpoint is like what we call a corrective emotional experience, right?
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So if you were never loved as a child, you have to accept that you were not loved as a child.
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That's really healthy.
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But that's not where it ends.
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The real way to fix that is to be loved as an adult,
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to be loved in the way that a child was loved as an adult, to be spoiled, to be indulgent.
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And I think there are a couple of really good examples of this through Eric Erickson, which I think make a lot of sense.
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Here is the progress bar of childhood.
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When we're somewhere around three to six years old, we have this basic task of initiative versus guilt.
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So what does this mean?
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So when a child is like two, they don't have choices.
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They can't demonstrate initiative.
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They don't get to decide what we're doing today.
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They don't get to control or steer their life at all.
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But once we get to be about three, four, five, and six, that's when we can demonstrate initiative.
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Hey, today I want to go to the zoo.
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Or if we go to the zoo, I want to see the anacondas, not the tigers.
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And a five -year -old can demonstrate, they can try to steer the car of their life in small ways.
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And the way that people respond to that is really important.
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Okay.
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So when I want to do something, I want to see tigers or let's say I want to see snakes,
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which means that I have an initiative.
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And let's say that my parents have a phobia of snakes.
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So they say, no, snakes are for Slytherins and we are Gryffindors.
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This is bad.
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How dare you like snakes?
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So when a child demonstrates initiative, right?
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So sometimes I'll see this with like, you know, boys who want to wear dresses or girls who want to play with trucks, right?
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Or any number of things.
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When you demonstrate initiative, does the world punish you for it or make you feel guilty?
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And there's a certain amount of guilt that's kind of healthy.
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Okay.
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It's like, oh, you want to stay up till midnight?
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Like you can't do that.
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That is wrong.
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Like this is right.
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This is wrong.
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So there's a certain amount that's healthy.
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But basically you have some kids who grow up in environments where what they want is punished.
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They're taught that you're selfish.
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Your step sibling wants this.
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You should give it to them.
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You're so selfish.
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Their desires, their wants, their needs, their initiative is met with punishment.
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And then they start to feel guilty.
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And unless they are supported enough, they will carry that forward into adulthood.
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And the way this looks is as adults, their wants evoke guilt, right?
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And you guys may have experienced this.
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I shouldn't want this.
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I'm being selfish.
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Wanting something is selfish.
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This kind of initiative is something that I feel bad about, right?
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So these people will sometimes do punishment.
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They will self -punish for initiative.
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They will sometimes self -punish for relaxing because these are kids where their initiative was, hey, can I play with my friends?
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They're like, no, how dare you?
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You have to clean the house today.
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So they carry these things forward.
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They feel guilty for having wants.
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And the way to fix this, like if you're someone who goes through life, like feeling fundamentally guilty for wanting stuff,
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like you think like, oh my God, I'm such a selfish person for wanting to take a vacation by myself.
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Such a selfish person for like wanting distance from my parents.
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Such a selfish person for not wanting to spend my weekends taking care of my siblings, right?
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Because people will guilt trip you to all hell.
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That's one picture.
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Another picture is self -punishment for initiative.
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So you're someone who like, it's so scary because some people who are kind of stuck in life, right?
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Like some people like life is happening to them.
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They are the object.
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It's like they're living life in passive voice.
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Because in writing, people say like, don't use passive voice.
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Alok is.
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We should have Alok doing things.
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Alok sits, right?
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Not Alok is.
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But some of us go through life being acted upon by life.
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And if you're someone who's like frustrated with yourself and you say, we call this, oh, I have no motivation.
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I have ADHD.
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I have executive dysfunction.
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Like those things can exist.
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Yes.
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But sometimes this is why I love therapy, psychotherapy.
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This is why I love working with patients with ADHD, because it's not just executive dysfunction.
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Sometimes it is, but most of the time it's not.
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And if you pay attention to you being stuck, what you will find
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If you're stuck, you have no motivation, you feel like life is happening to you.
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Is that when you have an initiative, you punish yourself for it.
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I keep seeing comments, Dr. K, how do I apply this to a situation in my life?
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That's literally why we created a coaching program.
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Our coaches are certified on an evidence -based curriculum designed to help you get unstuck.
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This involves analyzing your patterns, increasing your understanding, and working with you week to week to help you develop a plan to create lasting change.
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So if y 'all are interested, check out the link in the description below.
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The best example of this is people who do not allow themselves to want what they believe they cannot have.
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If you are someone who is numb and has no motivation, do you allow yourself to want the things that you cannot have?
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Because the want is the motivation.
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And oftentimes what we'll do is we'll protect ourselves from an
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empty void of an unfilled desire by not allowing ourselves to want it in the first place.
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But then you end up stuck.
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And what's really scary about this is if you want to fix this, sure, there's a certain amount of mourning the loss that's really healthy.
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Like the guy's not wrong, right?
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So you have to accept that your parents didn't provide this for you.
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They made you feel guilty, whatever.
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But the real corrective action, this is what Erickson kind of taught us, is you have to fix those things as adults.
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So when I'm working with patients who have these particular things, right?
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So when a want evokes guilt.
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The corrective action is helping this person understand wanting things and being selfish are not one in the same.
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Just ask yourself, can I want things without being selfish?
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Is it fundamentally selfish to want?
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Because as long as those two things are tied together, you won't have that corrective experience, right?
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Because what is the normal, what is the healthy version of a kid demonstrating initiative?
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I want an ice cream.
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And their parents are supportive of that.
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They're not like, oh, my God, how dare you?
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You know, your brother and sister is lactose intolerant.
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And when you want ice cream, they can't have it.
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And like you're making them feel terrible.
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How dare you?
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Whereas healthy parenting is like, look, you want ice cream?
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OK, let's get you an ice cream.
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It's hard for your brother or sister because they want ice cream too.
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So then you can also talk to your brother or sister or at a minimum, let's take you out for ice cream.
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Let mom and your brother or sister go do something.
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They can go get French fries.
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We're going to go get an ice cream.
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All right, well, let's get them a cookie, whatever.
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This is where like the corrective action is, is supporting those unmet needs, right?
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It's okay to relax in terms of initiative.
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Do you get punished historically?
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Ask yourself this question.
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Did you get punished for initiative?
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Because if the answer is yes, you really need to take a look at that.
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Can you allow yourself to want something that you may not be able to have?
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And this is the tricky thing about that is like you have to have that first and then it hurts, right?
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Because you can't get it and then you feel that loss.
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But that loss is also motivation.
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The want is motivation and the loss is motivation.
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They took this away from me and I'm going to get it back.
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This is the corrective emotional experience and life is a progress bar.
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If you didn't pass a class when you were six, you need to pass it today.
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We'll go over another example.
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So the next stage is industry versus inferiority.
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This is the point where someone develops competence as a skill, like they're competent in skills and pride in oneself, okay?
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So here's like the healthy example.
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I get a bad grade.
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Teacher says, you can do better.
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Let's do some extra homework and then we get a good grade.
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What does a kid learn, right?
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There are challenges in life.
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There are times where I will do poorly, but doing poorly is not destiny.
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That I have agency.
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When things don't go my way, I can exert some amount of effort and I can change the outcome.
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I have power in this world.
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I can have pride in myself.
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It also teaches something really important about the world.
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When I slip up, the world is a place that will sometimes help me out.
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So we gain faith in the world.
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We gain faith in ourselves.
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We gain agency.
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We get pride.
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We hopefully get some skills, acquisition and competence.
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So let's look at the bad version.
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I get a 95 on test and my parents say, what the hell is wrong with you?
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Roshni Patel down the street got a 100.
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So you got an A and you are a POS.
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Industry versus inferiority.
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So what I love about Erickson is that he combines things that we don't normally combine.
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We think to ourselves, if I have low self -esteem, the goal is to feel better about myself.
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Actually, Erickson has something different.
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The antidote to inferiority is industry, not superiority, right?
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And we have some really interesting data behind that because we know that people who feel superior,
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I'm narcissistic, I'm arrogant, actually have an inferiority on the inside, right?
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And this is something that we grapple with all the time in coaching
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because people are coming in and they have no motivation.
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They make comparisons.
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And so you may think like low self -esteem, what's the antidote?
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The antidote is actually industry.
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It's getting them to do stuff and doing something, anything will affect their esteem.
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So when we as children, when we do things, and even if we're successful,
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if we're compared, comparison is like the number one thing that leads to problems with industry and inferiority, right?
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So this is like all these gifted kids who are burnt out, people make comparisons.
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We see this with like black sheep and golden child, right?
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You got an A, you got a B, your brother, your sister got an A, like there's a smart one,
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there's a stupid one, you're constantly made comparisons, you are not judged by your industry.
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And then this too creates all kinds of problems in adulthood.
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So this leads to a couple of problems, okay?
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So in adulthood, when we do this, we are left with persistent feelings of inadequacy.
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That's number one.
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Next thing we do is sidestep challenges that can result in failure, right?
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Because we don't, it's not about industry.
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It's about being number one.
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And if we can't be number one, we're not even going to try.
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The most crippling is an identity that is based on achievement.
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So this is the idea that your worth equals accomplishments.
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In the moment that this happens, you're kind of like SOL.
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This is where people like, so once you tie your worth to your accomplishments, you're screwed no matter what you do.
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Because if your worth is tied to your accomplishments and you accomplish, you're terrified of losing that worth and that accomplishment down the road.
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Even if you do well, and here's what's so painful about it, right?
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So if your worth is tied to your accomplishments, what'll happen over time is you'll rise in society.
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So you'll go to a community college, you'll do well you'll go to a four -year university.
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Competition there is harder.
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Then you'll go to graduate school.
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Competition there is harder.
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You're maybe moving up a tier in universities each step of the way.
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This is why there's way more imposter syndrome at Harvard Medical School than there is at like Houston Community College.
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So even though you're accomplishing a lot, you still feel terrified.
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You'll have a lot of imposter syndrome.
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And then the other really crippling thing is that that imposter syndrome, that anxiety, that concern, that sidestepping of challenges,
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because you don't want to be number two.
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You don't want to be number 100.
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You don't see it as, you know, what do you call the person who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?
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You call them doctor.
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You don't see them that way.
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You see it as this person is a loser.
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I don't want to be that loser.
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And then eventually that anxiety, that imposter syndrome, those things.
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will predispose you to failure, right?
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Because you've got a performance mindset instead of a growth mindset.
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All these other fuckers have growth mindsets.
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So when they get a B, they study harder.
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They dig deep.
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They believe in themselves.
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The world helps them.
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And I'm just panicking because I knew I was stupid.
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I knew I didn't belong.
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Oh my God, it's true.
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This is the beginning of the end.
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And then I panic.
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And then once I panic, the decay happens.
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The tumbling of the rocks, the avalanche has now started, right?
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Because I'm building this thing up.
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I'm trying to keep it together, keep it together, keep it together, but it's not sustainable.
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I'm burning out.
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I feel like an imposter.
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And then everything comes crashing down like I knew it would.
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And now I have a bigger problem, which is that I was, I knew I was going to fuck it up and I was right.
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GG.
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But where does this come from?
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It comes from industry versus inferiority.
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And this is part of the progress bar of childhood.
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And if you do not beat this stage, this will carry forward as an adult.
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And so how do you fix this? my favorite thing to do is to have people demonstrate competence in isolation.
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This is all fueled by comparison for the most part.
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So when you start doing things and being proud of yourself, when you see the worth in yourself by doing something
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that you set out to do and has nothing to do with anybody else, I'm going to plant a garden.
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I'm going to write a book, not write a bestseller, just write a book.
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This is a goal that I have.
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I'm going to climb this mountain.
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I'm going to hike the Appalachian Trail.
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You got to start doing stuff.
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The antidote to inferiority is industry, not superiority, not even self -esteem.
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It's doing things, doing things where no one can see.
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And when you feel pride from in here for what you have done, you will carry that pride forward.
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Then what'll happen is you'll have that pride in here when things don't go your way in the real world, because that happens eventually.
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And that will be the buffer.
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Then you've solved that problem, right?
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It goes back to the kid who got a B, worked hard, got an A.
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Now they believe in themselves and you had all these setbacks
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and now you conquered those things
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so now you believe in yourself life is a progress bar
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so at the end of the day i think
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this is one of those things where like there's the childhood you had
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and the childhood you should have had
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and is one of those needing to be grieved absolutely but
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if you stop at grief like you're just going to be
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left sad what a lot of the camp of developmental psychology
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that i subscribe to right so this isn't i'm not the speaker of truth teaches us
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and i think this is just like works so much better is reclaim your childhood.
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Be a kid.
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It's amazing.
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I strongly recommend it.
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If you were denied a childhood the solution,
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sure, there's a certain amount of grief and a certain amount of blame and a certain amount of letting things go.
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But also, like, if you have a romantic relationship, let them spoil you.
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This is something that multiple people have told me about, but I've never heard talked about, which is the healthy infantilization in romantic relationships.
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And it's something it blows my mind.
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I've talked to half a dozen people who do this called baby voice.
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It's not like they got together and communicated.
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I've never heard this talked about.
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It's baby voice that in romantic relationships that are secure, one of the partners, this isn't like diaper fetish or something like that.
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Like one of the partners will become a child and will adopt a voice.
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And then somebody like their partner will like take care of them as a parent, right?
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It's so weird.
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Like I've heard this from half a dozen people at this point.
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And I'm curious, do you guys do baby voice?
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Yeah.
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See, this is what I'm talking like.
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Oh, most people think, what are you talking about?
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And some people like yeah we both did it i love baby talking like this is
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so weird one of my exes yes and pass both me
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and my man okay see this is the really interesting thing yes
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this is me this is like no one talks about baby voice
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and people are like this is i love this
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because this is this was how i felt about it some people like this is disgusting
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i hate this other people like yeah
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we do it it's awesome freaks me out yes to my longtime girlfriend
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i find it cringe it's not like a particular kind it's like i'm gonna be a whiny little bitch
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and i want you to take care of me I don't think it's goo goo ga ga.
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It's not like baby baby.
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It's like I'm going to infantilize myself and you are going to support that infantilization.
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Right.
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And what we know from psychiatry is like basically in therapy, sometimes we try to provide these corrective emotional experiences, but we don't do this.
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The thing is corrective emotional experience.
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The emotional experience is what's important.
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We do it a particular way in a LARP injury.
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A LARP injury for that long chat, dude.
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Hi, my name is Alok in my free time i larp as a parent for my romantic partners yeah
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so this is great so i used to find it cringe
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but i found my girl
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and now i can't stop doing it this is such a good comment okay
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so here's what i i piece together about baby voice
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it is cringe until you enter this weird uncharted territory of like emotional safety
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and then once you enter that territory it like is what's the word, fulfilling.
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And some people are even asking, isn't that a normal part of a relationship?
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I don't think so.
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Maybe a normal part of really healthy relationships.
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I actually believe this.
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We don't, no, see, it's not acting like a baby.
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So this is not a nut that I've cracked yet, okay?
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You don't act like a baby.
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It's not an act.
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You become infantilized and your partner accepts
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You in that infantilized state
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which then makes you feel like really accepted i mean i've seen like unhealthy versions of this
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which is like more what people think right
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which is like oh it's like this kid has like some scat fetish
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or some diaper
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or whatever you're not like sucking your thumb it's like i'm going to signal to you
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that i need to be taken care of in a very
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and we have a certain template for this right
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which is like i'm gonna be a baby it can be cringe
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there's like an organic development of this kind of thing
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and then there's like the cringe imposing of this thing right
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so like when i'm texting you on a dating app
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and i'm like that's cringe this comes out of a hell
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it like grows it's like a truffle like you can't farm it you can't create it
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but in the right circumstances if you sniff around for a
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while you're gonna find it it's so fascinating to me i gotta i gotta see
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if there's any let's see see look 1996 talk to me baby oh my god dude brooks publishing.
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Let us plumb the depths of the internet chat.
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Studied most extensively as it is spoken by mothers to infants, but without attention is possible role.
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We suggest that baby talk plays such a role.
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No, this is about baby.
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Oh, wait, wait, which is the first empirical documentation that baby talk occurs in adult romances and friendships.
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Yeah, look, individuals who had baby talk to friends
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or romantic partners tended to be more secure and less avoidant with regard to attachments in general.
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Within a particular romantic relationship, indicators of intimacy and attachment accounted for about 22 % of the variance at baby talk frequency.
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Oh, so partners baby talking was the strongest predictor accounting for about 42 % of the variance.
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That's really interesting.
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That means that if your partner baby talks, that's the strongest influence in you baby talking.
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I love exploring this stuff, but it's like, it's hard because it's not, it's not like a term.
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Thanks for watching.
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A lot of people who struggle with an unfulfilling childhood carry around a lot of shame.
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To help people overcome this, we have a great two hour lecture on our website about understanding shame.
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We get into how it shapes you in both positive and negative ways.
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So check out the link in the description below and start your free trial.
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Vocabulário e dicas de fala para esta lição
Esta aula de conversação usa o vídeo “The Secret to Fixing Your Adulthood”. Este vídeo tem 429 frases e 4581 palavras para praticar shadowing. A fala dura 22:02. O falante fala rápido, cerca de 208 palavras por minuto, então espere sons ligados e reduzidos. 85% das palavras estão entre as 3.000 mais comuns do inglês; vale a pena estudar o restante antes de começar.
Vocabulário principal deste vídeo
15 palavras do vídeo que vale a pena aprender, com pronúncia e significado:
| Palavra | Pronúncia | Significado |
|---|---|---|
| initiative substantivo | /ɪˈnɪʃ.ə.tɪv/ | iniciativa |
| selfish adjetivo | /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/ | egoísta |
| motivation substantivo | /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/ | motivação |
| demonstrate verbo | /ˈdɛm.ənˌstɹeɪt/ | demonstrar |
| punish verbo | /ˈpʌnɪʃ/ | castigar, punir |
| romantic adjetivo | /ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/ | romântico |
| heal verbo | /ˈhiːl/ | curar, sanar |
| guilt substantivo | /ɡɪlt/ | culpa |
| accomplishment substantivo | /əˈkɑm.plɪʃ.mənt/ | realização |
| adulthood substantivo | idade adulta, fase adulta | |
| poetry substantivo | /ˈpoʊ.ə.tɹi/ | poesia |
| versus | /ˈvɝsəs/ | contra, vérsus |
| dare verbo | /dɛ(ə)ɹ/ | ousar, atrever-se a |
| snake substantivo | /sneɪk/ | cobra, serpente |
| syndrome substantivo | /ˈsɪndɹoʊm/ | síndrome (masc. in pt-pt), síndroma |
Phrasal verbs que você vai ouvir
| Palavra | Significado |
|---|---|
| check out verbo | verificar, sacar só |
| end up verbo | terminar, acabar |
| pick up verbo | pegar |
| burn out verbo | apagar-se |
| come back verbo | voltar |
| get together verbo | reunir |
| go back verbo | voltar |
Frases que vale a pena repetir
Frases curtas e completas do vídeo que você pode usar na conversa do dia a dia:
- How dare you like snakes?
- It's like, oh, you want to stay up till midnight?
- They're like, no, how dare you?
- Do you get punished historically?
- Did you get punished for initiative?
Gramática neste vídeo
As estruturas que o falante mais usa, com as palavras exatas do vídeo:
| Estrutura | No vídeo |
|---|---|
| Voz passiva be + particípio passado — o foco está no que acontece, não em quem faz | was missed · were never loved · be loved |
| Orações relativas who / which + oração — informação extra sobre uma pessoa ou coisa | kids who grow · someone who goes · someone who like |
| Present perfect have/has + particípio passado — uma ação passada que ainda importa agora | has now started · have done · you've solved |
Pronúncia para ficar de olho
O falante usa 123 contrações e formas reduzidas, como I'm, don't, you're. Diga-as na forma curta, do jeito que você ouve.
- Os sons de “th”: thumb /ˈθʌm/, unhealthy /ʌnˈhɛl.θi/
- Os sons de “sh” e “zh”: initiative /ɪˈnɪʃ.ə.tɪv/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, motivation /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/, punish /ˈpʌnɪʃ/, accomplishment /əˈkɑm.plɪʃ.mənt/
- Palavras longas — acerte a sílaba tônica: initiative /ɪˈnɪʃ.ə.tɪv/, motivation /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/, accomplishment /əˈkɑm.plɪʃ.mənt/, psychology /saɪˈkɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/, developmental /dɪˌvɛləpˈmɛntəl/
Sons difíceis para falantes de português:
- Consoante final — sem acrescentar um “i” depois: demonstrate /ˈdɛm.ənˌstɹeɪt/, romantic /ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/, guilt /ɡɪlt/, accomplishment /əˈkɑm.plɪʃ.mənt/, snake /sneɪk/
- /l/ final — a língua toca o céu da boca, não vira “u”: heal /ˈhiːl/, developmental /dɪˌvɛləpˈmɛntəl/, spoil /spɔɪl/, skill /skɪl/, sustainable /səˈsteɪnəbəl/
- /h/ — um sopro suave, diferente do “r”: heal /ˈhiːl/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, homework /ˈhoʊmˌwɝk/, historically /hɪˈstɔɹɪkli/, hike /haɪk/
Como praticar com este vídeo
- Ouça o vídeo inteiro uma vez sem falar e anote as palavras que você não conhece.
- Comece na velocidade 0,75×, faça shadowing frase por frase e volte à velocidade normal quando ficar fácil.
- Grave a sua voz e compare com o original, prestando atenção a palavras como initiative, selfish, motivation.
O que é a Técnica de Shadowing?
Shadowing é uma técnica de aprendizado de idiomas com base científica, originalmente desenvolvida para o treinamento de intérpretes profissionais. O método é simples, mas poderoso: você ouve áudio em inglês nativo e repete imediatamente em voz alta — como uma sombra seguindo o falante com 1-2 segundos de atraso. Pesquisas mostram melhora significativa na precisão da pronúncia, entonação, ritmo, sons conectados, compreensão auditiva e fluência na fala.