ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: International Jokes: 001 - 015

Story 1, The Bum A bum approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?

The well-dressed gentleman responds, you are not going to spend it on liquor, are you?

No, sir, I don't drink, retorts the bum.

You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?

Asks the gentleman.

No way, I don't gamble, answers the bum.

You wouldn't waste the money on golf greens fees, would you?

Asks the man Never, says the bum, I don't play golf

The man asks the bum

if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal The bum accepts eagerly

While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him

Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?

Probably, says the man, but it will be worth it

I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf.

Story 2, How to Live Darling, said the young man to his new bride.

Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?

Of course, dearest, no trouble, she answered.

But what will you live on?

Story 3, They Had No Privacy As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy.

This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.

She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

Give this to your husband, he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands.

He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes Story 4, A Husband Who Never Feels Ashamed I'm ashamed of the way we live,

a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job

My father pays our rent My mother buys all of our food My sister buys our clothes

My aunt bought us a car

I'm just so ashamed The husband rolls over on the couch and you damn well should be, he agrees.

Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent.

Story 5, The Neighbors Cannot See You Having been married 10 years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything,

as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a dream home.

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment within their budget.

However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all.

There are no curtains in the bathroom.

The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.

Story 6, Where's the Shoe?

One night, a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception.

Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.

Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe

and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.

That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

Honey, she asked, have you seen my other shoe?

Story 7, Dummy Husband A man asked his wife, if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?

I'd love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park, the death slide, the screaming loop, the wall of fear, everything there was.

Wow!

Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi-Cola, and Eminem, Dems.

What a fabulous adventure.

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, well, dear, what was it like being six again?

One eye opened.

You dummy, I meant my dress size.

Story 8 A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented

that transferred labor pains from the mother to the father.

Billy agreed and the machine was set up.

But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted

and discovered the milkman lying on his doorstep groaning in pain.

Story 9, Drunk Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife.

He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills, and showered her with hugs and kisses.

Gee, Bob remarked to his friend, you really make a big fuss over your wife.

I started to appreciate her more about six months ago, Joe said.

It has revived our marriage, and we couldn't be happier Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her,

and said he wanted to hear all about her day Instead, she burst into tears Darling, Bob said, whatever's the matter?

This has been the worst day I've had for a long time, she replied This morning Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down Now,

to top it off, you come home drunk Story 10, How to Buy a Present

A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife Certainly,

sir, replied the assistant Perhaps a dress or a blouse?

Anything, said the man And in what color?

It doesn't matter Size?

Immaterial Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something, she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it.

Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?

The assistant asked him.

Oh no, said the man.

That would be too impersonal.

Story 11, Relatives?

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, relatives of yours?

Yep, the husband replied, in-laws.

Story 12, Your Horse Called Last Night

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee

and slapped him on the back of the head.

I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she said, furious.

You'd better have an explanation.

Calm down, dear," the man replied.

Remember last week when I was at the races?

That was the name of the horse I backed.

The next morning, his wife whacked him again.

100

What was that for?

101

He groaned.

102

Your horse called last night, she said.

103

Story 13, We're Saved Enough Money After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news,

104

Darling, we've finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1979.

105

You mean a brand new Jaguar?

106

She asked eagerly.

107

No, he replied, a 1979 Jaguar.

108

Story 14, Deathbed Confession Jake was on his deathbed His wife,

109

Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side She held his fragile hand,

110

and tears ran down her face Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up,

111

and his pale lips began to move slightly My darling Susan, he whispered Hush, my love,

112

she said Rest Don't talk He was insistent Susan,

113

he said in his tired voice I have something I must confess to you There's nothing to confess,

114

replied the weeping Susan Everything's alright, go to sleep No, no I must die in peace,

115

Susan I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother I know,

116

she replied That's why I poisoned you Story 15,

117

After the Honeymoon A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

118

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

119

Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.

120

Oh mama! she exclaimed.

121

The honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic.

122

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

123

But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.

124

He's been saying things I've never heard before.

125

All these awful four-letter words.

126

You've got to come get me and take me home.

127

Now Sarah, her mother answered.

128

Calm down.

129

Tell me, what could be so awful?

130

What four-letter words has he been using?

131

Please don't make me tell you, Mama, wept the daughter.

132

I'm so embarrassed.

133

They're just too awful.

134

You've got to come get me and take me home, please Mama.

135

Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.

136

Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words.

137

Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook.

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ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: International Jokes: 001 - 015

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