Pratique du Shadowing: Why You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
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Let's talk about masking versus people-pleasing because they often get lumped together.
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And honestly, I get why.
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They look almost identical from the outside.
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Both of them involve shrinking yourself.
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Both of them are exhausting.
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Both of them leave you feeling like you can never quite relax.
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But they come from different places.
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And they need completely different things to get better.
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Which is why it's vitally important that we figure out which one we're struggling with.
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Today we're going to break down what people-pleasing and masking actually are.
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why we confuse them, and most importantly, how to figure out which one is actually running the show for you.
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So let's get into it.
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People-pleasing is, at its core, a behavior pattern.
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It's when you consistently prioritize other people's comfort, approval, or emotional state over your own.
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This is usually done to avoid conflict, rejection, or the discomfort of someone being upset with you.
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That's what does it for me.
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And it's about what you do, like saying yes when you mean no, guilty, over apologizing, doubly guilty,
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never having a strong opinion in case it upsets someone else, agreeing with things you don't actually agree with just to keep the peace.
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It's driven by a fear of disapproval.
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There's almost always a belief that if we stop managing how other people feel, something bad is going to happen.
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Like we'll lose the relationship or they'll think we're selfish.
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We'll be too much or not enough.
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Something.
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And the interesting thing about people pleasing is that it's usually pretty conscious.
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You know, you're doing it.
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Okay.
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Now, when I was putting this together, I was like, you know, this is true.
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Like I do know I'm doing it.
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So hang with me.
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Trust me.
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It's more conscious than you realize because you're sitting there saying yes to something that you don't want to do.
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Fully aware, you don't want to do it, right?
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That's how it is for me.
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And then I do it anyway, right?
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We do it anyway.
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And the awareness is uncomfortable to say the least, but it also means that there's a part of you that's still in contact with what you actually want.
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That part isn't gone.
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And that's great news.
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A good example of people pleasing, because for some people, they, you know, aren't really sure what it looks like if they don't struggle with it like I do,
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is imagine a friend texts you and asks if you can pick them up from the airport.
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It's a two-hour round trip.
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You've had a long week.
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You were planning to spend that evening resting, watching your favorite show.
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But the moment you see the text, you know you don't want to do it.
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Might not even reply right away, right?
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You know you don't want to go get them.
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But instead of saying, I'm sorry, I can't this time, I've had a long week or whatever, you immediately start thinking about how disappointed they might be,
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whether they'll think that you're selfish or whether you're letting them down.
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So you say yes.
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Then the entire drive there, you're frustrated, exhausted, and wondering why you agreed to do this in the first place.
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That is people-pleasing.
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Most of the time, people-pleasing is learned in environments where emotional safety was conditional.
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You figured out early on that keeping other people comfortable kept you safe.
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Maybe the house was calmer when you didn't make waves.
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Maybe love felt like it had to be earned by being easy, agreeable, or low maintenance.
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Now my personal example is that I people-please because no one ever fought in my home growing up.
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So I did not fight and repair.
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Therefore, conflict felt super scary and dangerous.
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And I would people-please just to ensure that no one got angry or upset.
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And I just wanted to share like my side just in case
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that first example didn't resonate because mine's kind of like this weird outlier.
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And so if you happen to be in that side, maybe you grew up in a waspy family too that didn't fight.
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So that could be why as well.
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Let's move into masking.
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Masking is when you suppress or hide who you actually are, like your traits, your way of processing your reactions,
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your needs, in order to appear more normal or acceptable to the people around you.
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Where people pleasing is about what you do, masking is about who you are.
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Masking often happens automatically, usually below the level of conscious choice.
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You don't sit there and decide to mask like, oh, time to mask.
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Your nervous system kind of does it for you, often before you even realize that anything is happening.
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And you've probably heard masking talked about mostly in the context of autism or ADHD.
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And that's because autistic and ADHD folks are disproportionately affected, especially women and people who weren't diagnosed until much later in their life.
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But masking happens in anyone who has learned at some point that their authentic self wasn't safe or welcome.
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People who grew up in emotionally unsafe homes, people who belong to groups that have been told their natural way of being is wrong,
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people with anxiety, people with trauma histories.
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But you don't even need a diagnosis for this to be relevant to you, and it's actually more common than we realize.
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The exhaustion from masking is also different from people pleasing exhaustion.
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And in my opinion, this is one of the clearest ways to tell them apart because people pleasing wears you out.
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Trust me, I know.
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But masking like hollows you out.
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It's not just tired.
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It's that sustained grinding effort of performing for so long that you genuinely lose track of what you actually think or feel.
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It's like the performance becomes the default.
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And as an example, because some of us like to learn through stories, not just being told, right?
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Let's say you're in a social situation and someone makes a joke that you don't think is funny.
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Everyone around you laughs, so you laugh too.
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Someone asks you what you did over the weekend
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and you give an answer that you think sounds normal instead of the one that's true.
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Because maybe you spent all weekend like hyper fixated on something.
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A conversation turns towards a topic that you care about, but you hold back your real opinion because you don't want anyone to think
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that you're like weird or awkward or too much.
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And by the end of the night, let's say we've been hanging out with people all day.
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We've been talking to them and doing these things.
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By the end of the night, you spent hours monitoring yourself.
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What do you say?
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How do you react?
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What your face looks like?
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Whether you're fitting in.
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And later you're lying in bed exhausted
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and you realize you can't even remember a single moment from the whole day
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and evening where you actually responded the way that you innately wanted to.
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Every reaction was filtered.
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Every word felt edited before you even said it.
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And you don't even know what you even think anymore.
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The tricky part about masking and people pleasing is that they often happen at the same time.
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Someone who's been masking their traits for years often like picks up people pleasing on top of it
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because they've had to work so hard to fit in
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that managing everyone's approval starts to feel like part of the same survival strategy.
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And it totally makes sense because both of them produce the same social result.
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You look easy to be around.
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I mean, you are easy to be around, right?
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but both involve not being fully yourself around other people.
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Both create a kind of false social self that takes over in certain situations.
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Both lead to exhaustion, resentment, and that slow like disconnection from yourself.
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And from the outside, both can look like being low maintenance or so easy to get along with, which gets reinforced.
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Like I feel that for a long time, I took pride in the fact that I was so easygoing.
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Oh, she's up for anything.
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Like just that I wanted to fit in, right?
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And then that feels good because the people around you like that version of you, which makes it even harder to stop.
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But the root of these two things are different.
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People-pleasing is I'm changing what I do to manage how you feel about me.
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Masking is I'm changing who I am because who I am isn't acceptable.
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One is strategy or management.
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The other is like a survival response, always tied to some form of shame.
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Here's another example to help you tease it out even more.
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Let's say two friends are at a party.
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Both are uncomfortable.
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Friend A is chatting, laughing, agreeing with things she doesn't actually agree with.
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She's doing it because she doesn't want anyone to think she's difficult.
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That's me.
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That's people pleasing.
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friend b is also chatting and laughing but she's doing it
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because she spent years learning
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that the way she naturally moves through conversations the way she processes things a little slower
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or gets really intense about topics
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that she loves gets her labeled as weird she's not managing anyone's feelings she's like performing
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so that she looks like a version of herself
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that she learned over time was acceptable from the outside at that party right they can look identical
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but inside very different causes and goals.
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I've talked about my struggle with people pleasing for years and unfortunately I still say sorry too much.
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I still consider other people's thoughts and feelings before my own.
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Sometimes before I've even registered what I actually want.
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I know.
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I hate it.
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It happens.
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I'm stuck in it sometimes and sometimes I still struggle to take up space.
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I still apologize for like sharing an aisle with someone at the grocery store
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and trust me I'm working on it all the time, recognizing when I do it and I'm trying not to do it next time.
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But when I was putting this video together, I had to take a minute because some of the things that I do sound a lot like masking.
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Like when I'm going into work mode, like I'm about to go give a keynote speech or something, I do like get it up for people.
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Like I perform, right?
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Hype myself up.
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I try to bring the energy and I want to make sure everyone around me feels good and engaged.
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and when I come home from certain social situations my battery can be completely dead
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and I can feel like exhausted to my bones I've even pushed through sometimes at parties
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when my body was done like where someone's talking to me
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and I know I'm spent but I can't like get out of the conversation yet
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so I just pretend I'm okay and I try to look like it too
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and like act engaged and so when I was putting this video together
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and even the autism video I had to ask myself like is this masking?
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Because it sounds like it could be in some ways, but then not in others.
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And after really considering it, so I took some time, you guys, the honest answer is it's not masking.
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Probably not.
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At least not in like the deeper sense, because I do know exactly who I am when I stop performing and I know what I want.
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That's not hard for me to pull from.
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The issue is that I override it to manage how other people feel.
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like I said I want to bring the energy
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so everyone around me feels good and engaged that's people pleasing behavior
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but I just wanted to bring this up
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because I even had to take a minute so
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if you're confused that's okay it I feel like this can be confusing
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which is honestly why we're talking about it right now
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and in my video from like two or so weeks ago
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when I talked about autism in that video I also talked about stimming
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and while I was putting
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that together I realized I do some of those things like I eat the same thing for lunch almost every day
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I twirl my hair.
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If you've seen me in person, you know, I love to twirl.
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I rewatch comfort shows over and over.
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Hello, Sex and City, Gilmore Girls, right?
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But I don't have autism.
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And I bring that up because that's kind of the entire point of this video is
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that we have to really consider our behaviors and where they come from.
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Just having a few symptoms of something doesn't mean we have the full diagnosis, which is why getting a proper assessment from a professional is the best thing
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that we can do if we think we have autism or ADHD or anything else for that matter, okay?
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If you still aren't sure which one is affecting you most, grab something to write with because I've got some questions that I want you to consider, okay?
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And also I just want to remind you that you can have both masking and people pleasing happening at the same time.
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We can do both.
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We're great multitaskers, okay?
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But it's not about picking a label.
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It's what my goal is for you to understand more where it comes from, like Like what's the root of it?
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Because if we want to change our behavior, we have to first understand what's driving it, okay?
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Into the questions.
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And my first one is when I do something for someone, okay, when you're doing something for someone,
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am I aware of wanting their approval or of wanting to avoid their disappointment?
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Next, can I identify specific fears driving my choices?
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Like fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as selfish or difficult.
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And the last one here, do I actually know what I want in a situation, but override it anyways to keep someone else comfortable?
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Take a minute to consider.
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I'm not sure if this would surprise you or not, but all of those questions pointed to people pleasing.
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Next, we have questions that point toward masking, okay?
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Not to give anything up, but I feel like it's just good to know what you're thinking about, right?
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First up, do I feel exhausted after most social interactions even the ones
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that went fine
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so they're easy quote unquote easy still feel exhausted next have I ever come home from being around people
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and felt like I couldn't access myself like who am I
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like you need hours alone just to remember what you actually think do I genuinely not know what I want
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or feel in a lot of situations not because I'm suppressing it, but because I can't seem to reach it at all.
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Think about it.
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And finally, do I feel most like myself in very specific safe circumstances and really different everywhere else?
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Take some time to consider those questions
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because it can tell you a lot about whether you're dealing with masking or people pleasing or both.
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And if that's still not clear, imagine a situation where you have full permission to be exactly yourself.
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No one's going to judge you.
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No one needs anything from you.
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Whatever you do is fine.
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If that scenario brings up relief, you have a pretty clear sense of like what you want to say or do what you want.
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That points us slightly towards people pleasing because honestly, that's me a hundred percent.
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Like if I got to do whatever I wanted, nobody needed anything from me.
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I'd be like, oh, amazing.
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Like the thought of just being on vacation in a hotel where no one needs anything for me.
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I don't have to do anything.
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There's no like to do's on my list.
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Sweet Jesus.
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That's the dream, right?
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So know that that's more people pleasing.
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Okay.
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You know who you are.
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You've just been hiding it.
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If that same scenario brings up confusion or anxiety,
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like if you genuinely don't know what being yourself would even look like, or if the question even makes you feel kind of lost.
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Like, what would I do?
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I don't know.
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That's really hard.
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I haven't thought about it.
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If it feels that way, like you're kind of like, I don't really know how to give you an answer or even just within your own mind.
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You're like, I can't even imagine what that would really look like.
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I guess just being home, like we kind of just default to like something low lift that points toward masking.
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And like I said, both can be true.
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A lot of people have layers to it, masking like underneath of people pleasing that's been built on top of it.
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because if you grew up having to hide who you were, you probably also learned to manage other people's feelings as a part of staying safe.
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So know that you don't have to choose one answer if you feel like both apply to you.
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Since it's common to feel like you're masking and people pleasing, you might even wonder, Katie, why do I even need to know the difference?
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But that's actually why I wanted to make this video, okay?
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Because the work that you do on these two things is pretty different.
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for people pleasing doing the work is going to look like
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learning to tolerate the discomfort of just disappointing people i know
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or even the possibility of disappointing them because i don't even like to think
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that like i could possibly do it means like saying no
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without giving a ted talk about it it can also mean
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getting comfortable taking up space being in the aisle at the grocery store and not saying sorry for being there.
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Having an opinion and doing things simply because you want to.
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Remember I told you guys I did that artist way workbook.
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And one of the things was take myself on an artist date every week, do something just because I wanted to.
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That's it.
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And I really had a tough time.
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So that's part of the work.
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And I know it's uncomfortable.
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Trust me.
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I'm right there with you fighting along the way.
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And so the goal of this work with people pleasing isn't to feel good about it.
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I mean, that might come along the way, but the goal is to actually feel the discomfort and still not let your people-pleasing urge make every decision for you.
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This can mean setting healthy boundaries, right?
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We love boundaries.
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They're hard to set.
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Figuring out what you like and don't like, and then actually advocating for those things.
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It could mean like pausing before you automatically say yes and asking yourself for a second, what do I want?
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What do I have time for?
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Or what do I have energy to do?
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Right?
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Before considering what everyone else wants.
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That's been huge for me.
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And as you do this work, you'll probably start noticing the fears underneath that people pleasing.
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At least I did.
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Like maybe you're afraid someone's going to be upset with you.
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Maybe you're worried that they'll think that you're selfish.
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Maybe you learned somewhere along the way that being liked is the same thing as being safe.
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That's why it's important to get curious.
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What would it mean if one person didn't like you?
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What would that mean?
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What story does your mind automatically tell you about that?
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What belief do you have about disappointing people?
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And where did that belief come from?
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Because people pleasing isn't really about being nice.
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It's not actually about pleasing anyone.
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It's often about managing other people's reactions so that we can like avoid our own anxiety or we can feel okay.
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And the more we understand what's driving it, the easier it becomes to make choices based on what we
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actually need instead of what we think will keep everyone else happy.
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For masking, the work looks a little bit different.
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The first step is actually unmasking in like small manageable ways.
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So if you've been masking for years or even decades, trying to stop overnight can feel overwhelming and rightfully so.
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So the goal isn't to suddenly tell everyone exactly what you think or become a completely different person.
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That would be dysregulating, right?
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The goal is to start letting the real you show up in little safe moments.
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Like maybe it means admitting, I don't like that movie, but everybody else loves it, right?
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You're like, maybe it means wearing the clothes
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that actually like make you feel comfortable instead of the ones that you think you're supposed to wear, like what's trending maybe.
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Or maybe it means saying, I just need some time alone tonight.
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I've been feeling overwhelmed this week.
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Instead of forcing yourself to socialize when you're exhausted.
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It might even mean being honest with something and being like, I can't be in your house because the overhead light, can we turn on a lamp?
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We might just want to tell them that.
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So we can like be honest in small ways.
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It can help us not only improve our relationships, but it can also help rebuild trust with yourself.
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and it can also help to get curious remember curious not judgmental about who you really are
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when you're not performing
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if you spent years adjusting yourself to fit what other people
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wanted you may not have a clear sense of what you like
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or what you value or what you even want
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and that's okay you're not supposed to have all the answers
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right away ask yourself some simple questions like what do I enjoy
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when nobody's watching or what do I think I would enjoy right we just get curious.
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What opinions am I always holding back?
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What would I do with my time if I wasn't worried about, you know, disappointing anyone or looking weird?
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This is why I often encourage people to spend intentional time alone.
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Take yourself out for coffee.
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Go for a walk without a podcast.
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Don't put no earbuds.
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Have an evening where you just don't have anything.
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Don't have to like be anything for anyone, right?
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Just get to be yourself.
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Give yourself opportunities to hear your own thoughts again.
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And finally, I feel like it's important to talk about the fact
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that there can be some grief that comes along with this.
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Many people discover that underneath the mask is sadness for all the years that they've spent performing, adapting, and trying to earn acceptance.
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We can realize how much energy went into being who we thought we needed to be instead of who we actually were.
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And if you feel that grief, it's not a sign you're doing anything wrong.
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It's often a sign that you're reconnecting with yourself.
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So give yourself permission to feel it.
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It's okay.
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Grief is common in our life.
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There's a lot of things we can grieve.
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I know we often talk about grief when it comes to death, but there can be like different deaths of self, like old version of me that I'm letting go of.
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Or as I am more honest and more myself, when I've stopped people pleasing in some relationships, those relationships have been lost and that can be really hard, right?
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And so that sadness isn't getting in the way of our healing process.
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It actually kind of is part of it.
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And knowing the difference between masking and people pleasing is important because if you treat masking like it's people pleasing,
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you'll keep setting boundaries with people in your life while still not knowing who you are, still performing every day.
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Even the setting of the boundaries could feel like a performance.
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Like I'm doing this thing just the way I'm supposed to, right?
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Something like will still feel off, even when you're making progress on the people-pleasing side of things.
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And if you treat people-pleasing like it's masking, then you're going to go out looking for your true self
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that you've like lost access to when what you actually need is to work on tolerating disapproval or potential conflict.
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And those are just very different kinds of work.
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I hope you can see that.
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That's why I wanted to kind of tease that out.
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Because masking and people pleasing are both incredibly common, and they can even exist at the same time.
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They look similar from the outside.
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They both leave you feeling like you can never quite relax and that you just want to fit in, but they're not the same thing.
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People pleasing is a behavioral pattern built on a fear of, you know, conflict and disapproval.
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You know who you are.
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You're just hiding it so that people will be happy and like you.
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masking is a deeper suppression of identity often automatic
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that over time erodes your sense of self we can even mask for
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so long that we don't even know what we like
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or don't like anymore the good news is
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that both are survivable both can get better
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but they respond to different things and the more clearly you can see
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which one you're dealing with the more targeted
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and effective your therapeutic work can be and if any of this resonated or felt like something you're struggling with right now, please reach out to a therapist or psychologist so that you can get a proper assessment.
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One or two traits that resonate don't tell the full story.
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And that full picture is what matters.
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I talked about some of that in my most recent autism video.
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And so I'll link it here if you want to check that out.
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And if you're someone who has wondered about any of this stuff for yourself, that video is really, I feel like it's a good companion to this one.
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So it'll maybe help clarify some things for you and share it with someone who might need it.
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You never know.
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This stuff can feel really isolating and sometimes just having the right language for what we're going through can change everything.
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Thank you so much for watching.
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Have a wonderful week and I will see you next time.
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Okay.
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Yep.
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Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette leçon d’expression orale de niveau B2 s’appuie sur la vidéo « Why You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore ». Cette vidéo contient 372 phrases et 4427 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 24:10. Le locuteur parle vite, environ 183 mots par minute : attendez-vous à des liaisons et à des sons réduits. 87 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais, le vocabulaire est donc facile à suivre.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
Les 15 mots les plus avancés de la vidéo, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| exhaust verbe | /ɪɡˈzɔst/ | épuiser |
| autism nom | /ˈɔːtɪzəm/ | autisme |
| disappoint verbe | /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnt/ | décevoir, désappointer |
| grief nom | /ɡɹiːf/ | douleur, peine |
| selfish adjectif | /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/ | égoïste |
| boundary nom | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | frontière, limite |
| disapproval nom | /dɪsəˈpɹuvəl/ | désapprobation |
| exhaustion nom | /ɪɡˈzɔːs.t͡ʃən/ | épuisement |
| resonate verbe | /ˈɹɛz.əˌneɪt/ | résonner |
| discomfort nom | /dɪsˈkʌmfɚt/ | inconfort, malaise |
| trait nom | /tɹeɪt/ | trait |
| underneath adverbe | /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/ | dessous |
| genuinely adverbe | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | authentiquement, réellement |
| conscious adjectif | /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/ | conscient |
| uncomfortable adjectif | /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/ | inconfortable |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Sens |
|---|---|
| figure out verbe | cerner |
| bring up verbe | élever |
| grow up verbe | grandir |
| break down verbe | tomber en panne |
| come along verbe | accompagner, venir |
| go out verbe | sortir |
| go through verbe | traverser |
| pick up verbe | soulever |
Des phrases à répéter
Des phrases courtes et complètes de la vidéo, à réutiliser dans la conversation de tous les jours :
- What your face looks like?
- Next, can I identify specific fears driving my choices?
- What do I have time for?
- What would it mean if one person didn't like you?
- What belief do you have about disappointing people?
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continu have/has been + -ing — une action commencée avant et toujours en cours | we've been hanging · We've been talking · who's been masking |
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | You've had · I've had · you've probably heard |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | is learned · be earned · weren't diagnosed |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | people who weren · anyone who has · People who grew |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 137 contractions et formes réduites, comme you're, don't, I'm. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « th »: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, therapeutic /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, disconnection /ˌdɪs.kəˈnɛk.ʃən/, disproportionately /ˈdɪs.pɹəˌpɔɹ.ʃən.ət.li/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: disapproval /dɪsəˈpɹuvəl/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, disconnection /ˌdɪs.kəˈnɛk.ʃən/
Les sons difficiles pour les francophones :
- /h/ — il se souffle, il n’est pas muet: behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, overhead /ˈəʊvəˌhɛd/, hollow /ˈhɑloʊ/, hype /haɪp/, heal /ˈhiːl/
- /tʃ/ et /dʒ/ — à ne pas adoucir en « ch » et « j »: exhaustion /ɪɡˈzɔːs.t͡ʃən/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, judgmental /ˌd͡ʒʌd͡ʒˈmɛnt(ə)l/
- /r/ anglais — langue recourbée, sans frotter la gorge: grief /ɡɹiːf/, boundary /ˈbaʊndɹi/, disapproval /dɪsəˈpɹuvəl/, resonate /ˈɹɛz.əˌneɪt/, trait /tɹeɪt/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Commencez à la vitesse 0,75×, répétez phrase par phrase, puis revenez à la vitesse normale quand cela devient facile.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme exhaust, autism, disappoint.
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.