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Let's talk about masking versus people-pleasing because they often get lumped together.
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And honestly, I get why.
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They look almost identical from the outside.
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Both of them involve shrinking yourself.
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Both of them are exhausting.
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Both of them leave you feeling like you can never quite relax.
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But they come from different places.
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And they need completely different things to get better.
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Which is why it's vitally important that we figure out which one we're struggling with.
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Today we're going to break down what people-pleasing and masking actually are.
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why we confuse them, and most importantly, how to figure out which one is actually running the show for you.
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So let's get into it.
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People-pleasing is, at its core, a behavior pattern.
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It's when you consistently prioritize other people's comfort, approval, or emotional state over your own.
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This is usually done to avoid conflict, rejection, or the discomfort of someone being upset with you.
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That's what does it for me.
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And it's about what you do, like saying yes when you mean no, guilty, over apologizing, doubly guilty,
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never having a strong opinion in case it upsets someone else, agreeing with things you don't actually agree with just to keep the peace.
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It's driven by a fear of disapproval.
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There's almost always a belief that if we stop managing how other people feel, something bad is going to happen.
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Like we'll lose the relationship or they'll think we're selfish.
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We'll be too much or not enough.
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Something.
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And the interesting thing about people pleasing is that it's usually pretty conscious.
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You know, you're doing it.
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Okay.
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Now, when I was putting this together, I was like, you know, this is true.
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Like I do know I'm doing it.
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So hang with me.
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Trust me.
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It's more conscious than you realize because you're sitting there saying yes to something that you don't want to do.
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Fully aware, you don't want to do it, right?
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That's how it is for me.
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And then I do it anyway, right?
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We do it anyway.
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And the awareness is uncomfortable to say the least, but it also means that there's a part of you that's still in contact with what you actually want.
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That part isn't gone.
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And that's great news.
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A good example of people pleasing, because for some people, they, you know, aren't really sure what it looks like if they don't struggle with it like I do,
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is imagine a friend texts you and asks if you can pick them up from the airport.
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It's a two-hour round trip.
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You've had a long week.
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You were planning to spend that evening resting, watching your favorite show.
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But the moment you see the text, you know you don't want to do it.
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Might not even reply right away, right?
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You know you don't want to go get them.
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But instead of saying, I'm sorry, I can't this time, I've had a long week or whatever, you immediately start thinking about how disappointed they might be,
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whether they'll think that you're selfish or whether you're letting them down.
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So you say yes.
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Then the entire drive there, you're frustrated, exhausted, and wondering why you agreed to do this in the first place.
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That is people-pleasing.
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Most of the time, people-pleasing is learned in environments where emotional safety was conditional.
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You figured out early on that keeping other people comfortable kept you safe.
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Maybe the house was calmer when you didn't make waves.
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Maybe love felt like it had to be earned by being easy, agreeable, or low maintenance.
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Now my personal example is that I people-please because no one ever fought in my home growing up.
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So I did not fight and repair.
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Therefore, conflict felt super scary and dangerous.
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And I would people-please just to ensure that no one got angry or upset.
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And I just wanted to share like my side just in case
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that first example didn't resonate because mine's kind of like this weird outlier.
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And so if you happen to be in that side, maybe you grew up in a waspy family too that didn't fight.
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So that could be why as well.
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Let's move into masking.
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Masking is when you suppress or hide who you actually are, like your traits, your way of processing your reactions,
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your needs, in order to appear more normal or acceptable to the people around you.
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Where people pleasing is about what you do, masking is about who you are.
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Masking often happens automatically, usually below the level of conscious choice.
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You don't sit there and decide to mask like, oh, time to mask.
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Your nervous system kind of does it for you, often before you even realize that anything is happening.
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And you've probably heard masking talked about mostly in the context of autism or ADHD.
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And that's because autistic and ADHD folks are disproportionately affected, especially women and people who weren't diagnosed until much later in their life.
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But masking happens in anyone who has learned at some point that their authentic self wasn't safe or welcome.
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People who grew up in emotionally unsafe homes, people who belong to groups that have been told their natural way of being is wrong,
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people with anxiety, people with trauma histories.
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But you don't even need a diagnosis for this to be relevant to you, and it's actually more common than we realize.
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The exhaustion from masking is also different from people pleasing exhaustion.
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And in my opinion, this is one of the clearest ways to tell them apart because people pleasing wears you out.
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Trust me, I know.
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But masking like hollows you out.
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It's not just tired.
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It's that sustained grinding effort of performing for so long that you genuinely lose track of what you actually think or feel.
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It's like the performance becomes the default.
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And as an example, because some of us like to learn through stories, not just being told, right?
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Let's say you're in a social situation and someone makes a joke that you don't think is funny.
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Everyone around you laughs, so you laugh too.
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Someone asks you what you did over the weekend
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and you give an answer that you think sounds normal instead of the one that's true.
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Because maybe you spent all weekend like hyper fixated on something.
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A conversation turns towards a topic that you care about, but you hold back your real opinion because you don't want anyone to think
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that you're like weird or awkward or too much.
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And by the end of the night, let's say we've been hanging out with people all day.
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We've been talking to them and doing these things.
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By the end of the night, you spent hours monitoring yourself.
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What do you say?
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How do you react?
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What your face looks like?
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Whether you're fitting in.
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And later you're lying in bed exhausted
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and you realize you can't even remember a single moment from the whole day
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and evening where you actually responded the way that you innately wanted to.
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Every reaction was filtered.
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Every word felt edited before you even said it.
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And you don't even know what you even think anymore.
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The tricky part about masking and people pleasing is that they often happen at the same time.
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Someone who's been masking their traits for years often like picks up people pleasing on top of it
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because they've had to work so hard to fit in
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that managing everyone's approval starts to feel like part of the same survival strategy.
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And it totally makes sense because both of them produce the same social result.
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You look easy to be around.
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I mean, you are easy to be around, right?
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but both involve not being fully yourself around other people.
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Both create a kind of false social self that takes over in certain situations.
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Both lead to exhaustion, resentment, and that slow like disconnection from yourself.
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And from the outside, both can look like being low maintenance or so easy to get along with, which gets reinforced.
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Like I feel that for a long time, I took pride in the fact that I was so easygoing.
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Oh, she's up for anything.
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Like just that I wanted to fit in, right?
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And then that feels good because the people around you like that version of you, which makes it even harder to stop.
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But the root of these two things are different.
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People-pleasing is I'm changing what I do to manage how you feel about me.
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Masking is I'm changing who I am because who I am isn't acceptable.
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One is strategy or management.
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The other is like a survival response, always tied to some form of shame.
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Here's another example to help you tease it out even more.
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Let's say two friends are at a party.
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Both are uncomfortable.
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Friend A is chatting, laughing, agreeing with things she doesn't actually agree with.
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She's doing it because she doesn't want anyone to think she's difficult.
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That's me.
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That's people pleasing.
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friend b is also chatting and laughing but she's doing it
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because she spent years learning
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that the way she naturally moves through conversations the way she processes things a little slower
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or gets really intense about topics
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that she loves gets her labeled as weird she's not managing anyone's feelings she's like performing
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so that she looks like a version of herself
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that she learned over time was acceptable from the outside at that party right they can look identical
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but inside very different causes and goals.
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I've talked about my struggle with people pleasing for years and unfortunately I still say sorry too much.
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I still consider other people's thoughts and feelings before my own.
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Sometimes before I've even registered what I actually want.
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I know.
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I hate it.
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It happens.
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I'm stuck in it sometimes and sometimes I still struggle to take up space.
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I still apologize for like sharing an aisle with someone at the grocery store
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and trust me I'm working on it all the time, recognizing when I do it and I'm trying not to do it next time.
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But when I was putting this video together, I had to take a minute because some of the things that I do sound a lot like masking.
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Like when I'm going into work mode, like I'm about to go give a keynote speech or something, I do like get it up for people.
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Like I perform, right?
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Hype myself up.
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I try to bring the energy and I want to make sure everyone around me feels good and engaged.
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and when I come home from certain social situations my battery can be completely dead
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and I can feel like exhausted to my bones I've even pushed through sometimes at parties
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when my body was done like where someone's talking to me
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and I know I'm spent but I can't like get out of the conversation yet
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so I just pretend I'm okay and I try to look like it too
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and like act engaged and so when I was putting this video together
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and even the autism video I had to ask myself like is this masking?
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Because it sounds like it could be in some ways, but then not in others.
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And after really considering it, so I took some time, you guys, the honest answer is it's not masking.
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Probably not.
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At least not in like the deeper sense, because I do know exactly who I am when I stop performing and I know what I want.
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That's not hard for me to pull from.
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The issue is that I override it to manage how other people feel.
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like I said I want to bring the energy
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so everyone around me feels good and engaged that's people pleasing behavior
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but I just wanted to bring this up
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because I even had to take a minute so
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if you're confused that's okay it I feel like this can be confusing
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which is honestly why we're talking about it right now
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and in my video from like two or so weeks ago
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when I talked about autism in that video I also talked about stimming
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and while I was putting
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that together I realized I do some of those things like I eat the same thing for lunch almost every day
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I twirl my hair.
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If you've seen me in person, you know, I love to twirl.
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I rewatch comfort shows over and over.
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Hello, Sex and City, Gilmore Girls, right?
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But I don't have autism.
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And I bring that up because that's kind of the entire point of this video is
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that we have to really consider our behaviors and where they come from.
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Just having a few symptoms of something doesn't mean we have the full diagnosis, which is why getting a proper assessment from a professional is the best thing
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that we can do if we think we have autism or ADHD or anything else for that matter, okay?
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If you still aren't sure which one is affecting you most, grab something to write with because I've got some questions that I want you to consider, okay?
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And also I just want to remind you that you can have both masking and people pleasing happening at the same time.
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We can do both.
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We're great multitaskers, okay?
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But it's not about picking a label.
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It's what my goal is for you to understand more where it comes from, like Like what's the root of it?
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Because if we want to change our behavior, we have to first understand what's driving it, okay?
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Into the questions.
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And my first one is when I do something for someone, okay, when you're doing something for someone,
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am I aware of wanting their approval or of wanting to avoid their disappointment?
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Next, can I identify specific fears driving my choices?
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Like fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as selfish or difficult.
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And the last one here, do I actually know what I want in a situation, but override it anyways to keep someone else comfortable?
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Take a minute to consider.
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I'm not sure if this would surprise you or not, but all of those questions pointed to people pleasing.
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Next, we have questions that point toward masking, okay?
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Not to give anything up, but I feel like it's just good to know what you're thinking about, right?
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First up, do I feel exhausted after most social interactions even the ones
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that went fine
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so they're easy quote unquote easy still feel exhausted next have I ever come home from being around people
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and felt like I couldn't access myself like who am I
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like you need hours alone just to remember what you actually think do I genuinely not know what I want
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or feel in a lot of situations not because I'm suppressing it, but because I can't seem to reach it at all.
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Think about it.
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And finally, do I feel most like myself in very specific safe circumstances and really different everywhere else?
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Take some time to consider those questions
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because it can tell you a lot about whether you're dealing with masking or people pleasing or both.
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And if that's still not clear, imagine a situation where you have full permission to be exactly yourself.
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No one's going to judge you.
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No one needs anything from you.
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Whatever you do is fine.
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If that scenario brings up relief, you have a pretty clear sense of like what you want to say or do what you want.
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That points us slightly towards people pleasing because honestly, that's me a hundred percent.
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Like if I got to do whatever I wanted, nobody needed anything from me.
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I'd be like, oh, amazing.
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Like the thought of just being on vacation in a hotel where no one needs anything for me.
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I don't have to do anything.
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There's no like to do's on my list.
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Sweet Jesus.
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That's the dream, right?
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So know that that's more people pleasing.
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Okay.
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You know who you are.
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You've just been hiding it.
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If that same scenario brings up confusion or anxiety,
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like if you genuinely don't know what being yourself would even look like, or if the question even makes you feel kind of lost.
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Like, what would I do?
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I don't know.
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That's really hard.
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I haven't thought about it.
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If it feels that way, like you're kind of like, I don't really know how to give you an answer or even just within your own mind.
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You're like, I can't even imagine what that would really look like.
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I guess just being home, like we kind of just default to like something low lift that points toward masking.
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And like I said, both can be true.
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A lot of people have layers to it, masking like underneath of people pleasing that's been built on top of it.
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because if you grew up having to hide who you were, you probably also learned to manage other people's feelings as a part of staying safe.
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So know that you don't have to choose one answer if you feel like both apply to you.
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Since it's common to feel like you're masking and people pleasing, you might even wonder, Katie, why do I even need to know the difference?
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But that's actually why I wanted to make this video, okay?
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Because the work that you do on these two things is pretty different.
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for people pleasing doing the work is going to look like
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learning to tolerate the discomfort of just disappointing people i know
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or even the possibility of disappointing them because i don't even like to think
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that like i could possibly do it means like saying no
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without giving a ted talk about it it can also mean
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getting comfortable taking up space being in the aisle at the grocery store and not saying sorry for being there.
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Having an opinion and doing things simply because you want to.
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Remember I told you guys I did that artist way workbook.
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And one of the things was take myself on an artist date every week, do something just because I wanted to.
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That's it.
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And I really had a tough time.
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So that's part of the work.
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And I know it's uncomfortable.
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Trust me.
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I'm right there with you fighting along the way.
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And so the goal of this work with people pleasing isn't to feel good about it.
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I mean, that might come along the way, but the goal is to actually feel the discomfort and still not let your people-pleasing urge make every decision for you.
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This can mean setting healthy boundaries, right?
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We love boundaries.
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They're hard to set.
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Figuring out what you like and don't like, and then actually advocating for those things.
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It could mean like pausing before you automatically say yes and asking yourself for a second, what do I want?
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What do I have time for?
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Or what do I have energy to do?
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Right?
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Before considering what everyone else wants.
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That's been huge for me.
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And as you do this work, you'll probably start noticing the fears underneath that people pleasing.
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At least I did.
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Like maybe you're afraid someone's going to be upset with you.
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Maybe you're worried that they'll think that you're selfish.
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Maybe you learned somewhere along the way that being liked is the same thing as being safe.
278
That's why it's important to get curious.
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What would it mean if one person didn't like you?
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What would that mean?
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What story does your mind automatically tell you about that?
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What belief do you have about disappointing people?
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And where did that belief come from?
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Because people pleasing isn't really about being nice.
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It's not actually about pleasing anyone.
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It's often about managing other people's reactions so that we can like avoid our own anxiety or we can feel okay.
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And the more we understand what's driving it, the easier it becomes to make choices based on what we
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actually need instead of what we think will keep everyone else happy.
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For masking, the work looks a little bit different.
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The first step is actually unmasking in like small manageable ways.
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So if you've been masking for years or even decades, trying to stop overnight can feel overwhelming and rightfully so.
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So the goal isn't to suddenly tell everyone exactly what you think or become a completely different person.
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That would be dysregulating, right?
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The goal is to start letting the real you show up in little safe moments.
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Like maybe it means admitting, I don't like that movie, but everybody else loves it, right?
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You're like, maybe it means wearing the clothes
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that actually like make you feel comfortable instead of the ones that you think you're supposed to wear, like what's trending maybe.
298
Or maybe it means saying, I just need some time alone tonight.
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I've been feeling overwhelmed this week.
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Instead of forcing yourself to socialize when you're exhausted.
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It might even mean being honest with something and being like, I can't be in your house because the overhead light, can we turn on a lamp?
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We might just want to tell them that.
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So we can like be honest in small ways.
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It can help us not only improve our relationships, but it can also help rebuild trust with yourself.
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and it can also help to get curious remember curious not judgmental about who you really are
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when you're not performing
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if you spent years adjusting yourself to fit what other people
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wanted you may not have a clear sense of what you like
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or what you value or what you even want
310
and that's okay you're not supposed to have all the answers
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right away ask yourself some simple questions like what do I enjoy
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when nobody's watching or what do I think I would enjoy right we just get curious.
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What opinions am I always holding back?
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What would I do with my time if I wasn't worried about, you know, disappointing anyone or looking weird?
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This is why I often encourage people to spend intentional time alone.
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Take yourself out for coffee.
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Go for a walk without a podcast.
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Don't put no earbuds.
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Have an evening where you just don't have anything.
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Don't have to like be anything for anyone, right?
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Just get to be yourself.
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Give yourself opportunities to hear your own thoughts again.
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And finally, I feel like it's important to talk about the fact
324
that there can be some grief that comes along with this.
325
Many people discover that underneath the mask is sadness for all the years that they've spent performing, adapting, and trying to earn acceptance.
326
We can realize how much energy went into being who we thought we needed to be instead of who we actually were.
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And if you feel that grief, it's not a sign you're doing anything wrong.
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It's often a sign that you're reconnecting with yourself.
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So give yourself permission to feel it.
330
It's okay.
331
Grief is common in our life.
332
There's a lot of things we can grieve.
333
I know we often talk about grief when it comes to death, but there can be like different deaths of self, like old version of me that I'm letting go of.
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Or as I am more honest and more myself, when I've stopped people pleasing in some relationships, those relationships have been lost and that can be really hard, right?
335
And so that sadness isn't getting in the way of our healing process.
336
It actually kind of is part of it.
337
And knowing the difference between masking and people pleasing is important because if you treat masking like it's people pleasing,
338
you'll keep setting boundaries with people in your life while still not knowing who you are, still performing every day.
339
Even the setting of the boundaries could feel like a performance.
340
Like I'm doing this thing just the way I'm supposed to, right?
341
Something like will still feel off, even when you're making progress on the people-pleasing side of things.
342
And if you treat people-pleasing like it's masking, then you're going to go out looking for your true self
343
that you've like lost access to when what you actually need is to work on tolerating disapproval or potential conflict.
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And those are just very different kinds of work.
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I hope you can see that.
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That's why I wanted to kind of tease that out.
347
Because masking and people pleasing are both incredibly common, and they can even exist at the same time.
348
They look similar from the outside.
349
They both leave you feeling like you can never quite relax and that you just want to fit in, but they're not the same thing.
350
People pleasing is a behavioral pattern built on a fear of, you know, conflict and disapproval.
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You know who you are.
352
You're just hiding it so that people will be happy and like you.
353
masking is a deeper suppression of identity often automatic
354
that over time erodes your sense of self we can even mask for
355
so long that we don't even know what we like
356
or don't like anymore the good news is
357
that both are survivable both can get better
358
but they respond to different things and the more clearly you can see
359
which one you're dealing with the more targeted
360
and effective your therapeutic work can be and if any of this resonated or felt like something you're struggling with right now, please reach out to a therapist or psychologist so that you can get a proper assessment.
361
One or two traits that resonate don't tell the full story.
362
And that full picture is what matters.
363
I talked about some of that in my most recent autism video.
364
And so I'll link it here if you want to check that out.
365
And if you're someone who has wondered about any of this stuff for yourself, that video is really, I feel like it's a good companion to this one.
366
So it'll maybe help clarify some things for you and share it with someone who might need it.
367
You never know.
368
This stuff can feel really isolating and sometimes just having the right language for what we're going through can change everything.
369
Thank you so much for watching.
370
Have a wonderful week and I will see you next time.
371
Okay.
372
Yep.
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Vocabolario e note di pronuncia per questa lezione
Questa lezione di conversazione di livello B2 si basa sul video “Why You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore”. Questo video contiene 372 frasi e 4427 parole da ripetere con lo shadowing. Il parlato dura 24:10. Chi parla va veloce, circa 183 parole al minuto: aspettati suoni legati e ridotti. Il 87% delle parole rientra nelle 3.000 più comuni dell’inglese, quindi il lessico è facile da seguire.
Vocaboli chiave di questo video
Le 15 parole più avanzate del video, con pronuncia e significato:
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| autism sostantivo | /ˈɔːtɪzəm/ | autismo |
| disappoint verbo | /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnt/ | deludere, dispiacere |
| grief sostantivo | /ɡɹiːf/ | dolore, pena |
| selfish aggettivo | /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/ | egoista, egoistico |
| boundary sostantivo | /ˈbaʊndɹi/ | confine, limite |
| disapproval sostantivo | /dɪsəˈpɹuvəl/ | disapprovazione |
| resonate verbo | /ˈɹɛz.əˌneɪt/ | risuonare |
| discomfort sostantivo | /dɪsˈkʌmfɚt/ | malessere, turbamento |
| trait sostantivo | /tɹeɪt/ | caratteristica, tratto |
| genuinely avverbio | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | veramente, genuinamente |
| conscious aggettivo | /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/ | cosciente, conscio |
| uncomfortable aggettivo | /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/ | scomodo |
| override verbo | /oʊ.vɚˈɹaɪd/ | oltrepassare |
| overwhelm verbo | /ˌoʊ.vɚˈwɛlm/ | sommergere |
| tease verbo | /tiːz/ | cardare |
I phrasal verb che sentirai
| Parola | Significato |
|---|---|
| figure out verbo | scoprire, rendersi conto |
| bring up verbo | menzionare, nominare |
| grow up verbo | crescere |
| hold back verbo | fare complimenti |
| take up verbo | sollevare, prendere |
| go out verbo | uscire, andare fuori |
| go through verbo | attraversare |
| pick up verbo | tirare su, sollevare |
Frasi da ripetere
Frasi brevi e complete del video che puoi riutilizzare nella conversazione di tutti i giorni:
- What your face looks like?
- Next, can I identify specific fears driving my choices?
- What do I have time for?
- What would it mean if one person didn't like you?
- What belief do you have about disappointing people?
La grammatica di questo video
Le strutture che chi parla usa di più, con le parole esatte del video:
| Struttura | Nel video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — un’azione iniziata prima e ancora in corso | we've been hanging · We've been talking · who's been masking |
| Present perfect have/has + participio passato — un’azione passata che conta ancora adesso | You've had · I've had · you've probably heard |
| Forma passiva be + participio passato — conta ciò che accade, non chi lo fa | is learned · be earned · weren't diagnosed |
| Frasi relative who / which + frase — un’informazione in più su una persona o una cosa | people who weren · anyone who has · People who grew |
Pronuncia a cui fare attenzione
Chi parla usa 137 contrazioni e forme ridotte, come you're, don't, I'm. Pronunciale nella forma breve, così come le senti.
- I suoni “th”: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, therapeutic /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/
- I suoni “sh” e “zh”: selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, disconnection /ˌdɪs.kəˈnɛk.ʃən/, disproportionately /ˈdɪs.pɹəˌpɔɹ.ʃən.ət.li/
- Parole lunghe — attenzione all’accento: disapproval /dɪsəˈpɹuvəl/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, disconnection /ˌdɪs.kəˈnɛk.ʃən/
I suoni difficili per chi parla italiano:
- /h/ — va soffiata, non è muta: behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, overhead /ˈəʊvəˌhɛd/, hollow /ˈhɑloʊ/, hype /haɪp/, heal /ˈhiːl/
- Consonante finale — senza aggiungere una vocale dopo: exhaust /ɪɡˈzɔst/, disappoint /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnt/, grief /ɡɹiːf/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, resonate /ˈɹɛz.əˌneɪt/
- /æ/ — più aperta della “e”: sadness /ˈsædnəs/, manageable /ˈmænəd͡ʒəb(ə)l/, unmask /ʌnˈmæsk/, clarify /ˈklæɹ.ɪ.faɪ/, adapt /əˈdæpt/
Come esercitarsi con questo video
- Ascolta tutto il video una volta senza parlare e annota le parole che non conosci.
- Inizia a velocità 0,75×, fai shadowing frase per frase e torna alla velocità normale quando diventa facile.
- Registrati e confronta con l’originale, facendo attenzione a parole come autism, disappoint, grief.
Cos'è la tecnica dello Shadowing?
Shadowing è una tecnica di apprendimento delle lingue supportata da studi scientifici, originariamente sviluppata per la formazione dei traduttori professionisti e resa popolare dal poliglotta Dr. Alexander Arguelles. Il metodo è semplice ma potente: ascolti un audio in inglese di madrelingua e lo ripeti immediatamente ad alta voce — come un'ombra che segue il parlante con un ritardo di solo 1–2 secondi. A differenza dell'ascolto passivo o degli esercizi di grammatica, lo shadowing costringe il tuo cervello e i muscoli della bocca a elaborare e riprodurre simultaneamente i modelli di discorso reale. La ricerca dimostra che migliora significativamente la precisione della pronuncia, l'intonazione, il ritmo, il discorso connesso, la comprensione dell'ascolto e la fluidità del parlato — rendendolo uno dei metodi più efficaci per la preparazione alla prova di speaking dell'IELTS e per la comunicazione reale in inglese.