쉐도잉 연습: Master The Art Of Conversation (Using Psychology) - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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It's easy to get stuck in small talk that goes nowhere.

You both feel bored and the conversation fizzles out.

But once you understand how deeper connection really works, then conversations become enjoyable, meaningful, and they leave both of you feeling closer.

A lot of the time, what you say matters less than how well you listen, how you respond, and the questions that you ask next.

So if you master these skills, you can deepen almost any conversation.

So in this video, I'll show you two things.

First, how to escape that small talk trap.

And second, how to move into meaningful conversations that leave you feeling connected.

I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman.

I'm a clinical psychologist and an author, and I've spent years helping people improve their social skills and build real relationships.

And a huge thanks to Notter for sponsoring this video.

So you need to get out of information exchange and go deeper.

So this means not asking for more and more surface knowledge, but instead getting into deeper topics, like what motivates people, what do they care about,

and what is emotionally engaging for them.

But if you linger in small talk too long, yeah, it gets boring.

Why?

Because small talk isn't good at triggering emotions.

It calms us down, that's great, that's why we have it.

But then we need to trigger some kind of emotion in order for the conversation to be interesting and engaging.

Yes, you'll usually start with the boring expected starter questions.

I know there's some people who'll tell you to jump straight into deep questions immediately, like, what are you passionate about right now?

But in context, like, that's often awkward.

it's generally smoother to get there organically.

So start from the boring questions but then go pretty quickly into open-ended questions.

This will get them talking twice as much.

I like how did you come to do x and that really means like what motivated you to do that?

Don't focus on what they did, focus on why they wanted to do it.

Why did they choose it And what was it like when they did it?

Okay, let's look at some examples of how to go deeper quickly from those boring starter getting to know you questions.

Boring starter question.

Where are you from?

We can go into what was it like growing up there?

And now you're into the topic of growing up, which is inherently more emotionally resonant and therefore not boring.

Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?

What were you into in high school?

Okay, boring starter question.

What do you do?

So work for a lot of people is not emotionally resonant.

Therefore, it's boring, right?

So what do you do?

Oh, I manage tertiary accounts for Main Street Capital Solutions.

I'm going nowhere with that.

But if you can tell that their job is emotionally resonant for them, then try, how did you get into that?

Is it what you expected?

When did you know this is what you wanted to do?

And maybe even like, what do you like about it?

If it's boring, then just get off that work topic entirely.

Maybe even go back to childhood or growing up, because we know that's emotionally resonant.

Like, we can ask, oh, did you always want to do that?

Probably not.

What did you want to do when you were growing up?

Everyone has an answer for this.

Okay, boring starter question.

Do you live around here?

Well, we can make that more interesting by saying, well, how did you decide to move here?

Have you ever lived somewhere else?

Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?

So desire and change, again, are inherently emotional.

And emotion is not boring.

Boring side of question, what do you do for fun?

So here you can try the favorite, least favorite game, which is pretty enjoyable.

So if someone says, oh, I like hiking.

Oh yeah?

Like, what's your favorite trail?

And then you get to figure out why and like what works for them.

Like, why do they enjoy this or not enjoy that?

Why is it their favorite or their least favorite?

Okay, will this work every time?

Well, yes, 60% of the time it will.

But the benefit of these open-ended questions is that you let people decide how deep they want to go.

Some don't want to connect.

That is fine.

We're not forcing them, right?

I know that some people worry that asking these deeper questions is intrusive.

So I think of them more like it's an invitation.

Some people will accept the invitation.

Some won't.

It's nice either way.

It's easy to assume others won't want to share just because maybe we don't, right?

But the research shows us that most people like being asked questions, kind of a lot of them,

and they enjoy deeper, more sensitive ones way more than you'd think.

But asking better questions is just the first step.

To go further, you want to shift how you actually converse with people.

So I want you to have this mindset, stop talking like a stranger and instead talk like a friend.

So like mentally pretend you're friends.

You can look at people and you can tell who are strangers and who are actually close.

Strangers are constrained and controlled and stiff and careful and like safely asking the most surface boring questions of all time.

Hope is forever pointing out people who are on first dates because it's just so obvious.

When we're closer with people, we're looser.

We bounce around between topics, we ask more sensitive questions, we go deep, we joke, we interject, and people like it better

when we interact with them in a manner that's closer to friendship than if you were to treat them like strangers.

If you talk like a stranger, you will feel like a stranger.

So fun conversations move around, covering lots of different topics.

boring ones get stuck in one place for too long

so allow things to move so stop and think about it like

if you look back on great conversations like don't you usually see

that we've probably covered a range of different things

and maybe even never fully finished any one topic

but there always is open loops because one idea sparks another idea and that then is what made it flow right

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so we want to ride that wave of topics we want to ride

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that flow so don't just stubbornly stick in the same place

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and also don't just keep dragging it back to

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that place I was on a very nice first date many years ago

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and she was kind and she asked me about what my top five favorite movies were

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And so I would name one and then we would branch off into it, like why I was into that movie.

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It would spark another idea and a question and we'd go somewhere.

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So we were having, honestly, a great conversation.

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But time and again, she would stop me and say, oh, oh, oh, sorry, we've got off track there.

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I think you're up to number three.

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What's number two?

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This was a bit frustrating, right?

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The point was not the list.

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The list was just a starter that could get us exploring

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and finding more interesting areas where we could have a better conversation.

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Think of conversation like taking a joyride.

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So you want to take your conversation partner places that they enjoy.

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But you can't just ask, hey, what would you want to talk about?

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Because the social code says it has to feel organic.

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So what we do is we just keep things moving, transitioning into new topics here and there, and then we notice where do they respond?

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Like what do they react to?

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So specifically what you're looking for is for their facial expressions to kind of light up.

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Like you can see the emotion on their face, or maybe they get more animated, they talk faster, or they start telling you more, like more words come out.

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So these are all cues that something has triggered an emotion.

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And again, remember, that's what makes things not boring.

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So when you see this, dig deeper.

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Like, what is it about that that's so appealing?

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What do you like about doing this?

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You know, I've never done it before.

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I've always wondered.

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You can see they've reacted to something.

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So you dig in on that.

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Now, this works best if you are genuinely curious too.

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So maybe think about things that you actually want to know, like their opinions on or like certain qualities they have,

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or maybe experiences that reveal more of who they are under the surface, right?

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So when someone's a stranger, they seem more like just a type, like more generic.

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But to that person's friends, they are a unique weirdo.

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If you can find out what makes them unique, then you have moved closer to them, somewhere closer where their friends are.

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When you find those moments where they light up, that's your signal to go deeper.

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and the best way to do that is to get them recounting stories and memories.

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When we find interesting or emotionally resonant topics, we want to encourage people to share their experiences and to tell us stories.

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Maybe you've heard that humans get more happiness from buying experiences than they do from buying stuff.

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Well, the same is true for talking.

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We love telling other people about our enjoyable experiences, and it brings us closer.

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More good news, because we have already lived them, stories that we tell are concrete, meaning we can give details,

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we can describe the senses, we can relive the emotions.

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So research even finds that narrating a memory, it amps up the emotion involved.

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So like let's say they enjoy traveling.

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Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?

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What was that like?

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Tell me the story.

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Will they like this?

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Well, think about how much people want to share

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when they come back from a great vacation and how quickly bored most of their friends probably get.

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One of the hardest situations is when you're in conversations with someone, but you're required to look away to do a task like taking notes.

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In the research, we know that this is really hard on the other person.

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In therapy, right, being clearly connected while someone is speaking is

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so vital that I actually spent years teaching myself to write notes without looking down at the page.

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But luckily, you don't have to spend years learning how to do this.

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you can just check out a new device that I've found really helpful lately.

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Notamemo is a pocket-sized AI voice recorder that captures high-quality audio and transcribes it into text.

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With the press of a single button, you can record anywhere and know that your words and your conversations are safely captured.

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It can record in-person meetings without the need for a computer or phone, as well as both sides of a work call, thanks to bone conduction technology.

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Not-A-Memo records with clarity even in noisy places

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and everything sinks right into the Not-A-Site where the conversation is transcribed with time-saving summaries and even smart suggestions.

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Hope and I use Not-A-Memo when we work on our YouTube script ideas.

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We both love that we can be fully engaged in the brainstorming

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and the creativity without one of us having to break attention to take notes.

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So if you want to stop worrying about missing what matters

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and and start focusing fully on the people in front of you, try the Notter memo with the link below, and use my 20% off discount code to get started.

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So we don't care about the information.

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What we care about is the story.

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Friends don't give each other one sentence AI summaries of what happened, right?

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They want to take their friend on the journey.

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They want to tell them the story.

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And whenever we can converse like friends rather than strangers, We end up closer, right?

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I will literally say that's so interesting.

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Tell me the story If they relive the experience and we follow it internally right by listening

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picturing it then we experience it with them and

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That is deeply connecting because we have just lived through the same event in our imaginations

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So when you both feel the same emotions

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like the excitement as they describe what was about to happen or like we laugh together when something unexpected happens.

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Research suggests that's our brains bonding as well as using memory to travel into the past.

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We can also take them time traveling into the future.

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So have them tell you about things they've always wanted to do but haven't done yet.

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Like what's on their bucket list?

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what are they hoping will happen in the future these are emotionally resonant stories too

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only they exist in imagination rather memory both of which are stored there in the brain

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okay and

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if you feel like being really brave with this nothing is

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more connecting than trading embarrassing stories stories will really connect you if you can listen in the right way if you don't,

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it will actually cause problems and it cuts off connection.

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So let's look at how to do it.

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When you're listening to someone telling you about themselves, especially their experiences, which you want, right?

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You want to do it in a particular way.

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Basically, you communicate that you are engaged, like as mentally engaged as when you're talking.

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Your energy is not directed to what are you going to say next, it's to fully understanding what you're hearing.

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People don't want to just be listened to, they want to be understood.

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That is key.

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Your engagement as a listener can really drive connection.

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Have you ever talked to people and suddenly you're like, wow, huh, like I'm really funny and I'm good at telling stories.

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And then you go talk to somebody else and you find that you can kind of barely put your words together.

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Well, that's the power of a a good listener.

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A good listener helps this happen.

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You might have heard elsewhere that active listening is basically parroting back what people say,

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but in reality that tends to feel robotic and forced.

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Instead, authentic engaged listening is showing the person that they are getting through to you.

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So there are a few ways that really help you do this.

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Back channeling, this is short verbal cues like yeah totally uh-huh wow plus non-verbal cues like nodding

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or like matching your expressions to what they're saying so like wincing

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if someone's describing something painful this is especially true

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when they look at you since if someone is talking to you

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and they look at you a lot of times they're seeking confirmation that you're still with them that you get it.

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Next, asking follow-up questions.

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Ask things that you couldn't say if you weren't actually listening.

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Get more information about what you're curious about.

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Refer back to earlier points.

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If you don't fully understand, ask.

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Like, oh, what happened next?

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What did you do?

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Engage with stories like a child.

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So think about parents, you know, telling stories to kids.

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Kids don't sit politely they react they laugh they gasp they ask questions they co-create the story

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and that's how you want to listen live in the story in your imagination

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and ask for the missing pieces

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that are not there this way you help the person tell the story

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and you help the story come alive

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so for example i might be like oh man that's crazy

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like were you scared you're probably like i need to get out of here

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so these questions

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which you interject in they make the story more enjoyable for the speaker they make the story more vivid

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and they also make the speaker feel like they're a better storyteller

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and in turn that encourages them to say more right

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and the more they say that's strongly associated with attraction

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and closeness on the other hand if you don't do this engage listening, it is crushing for people.

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It causes all kinds of problems to the speaker.

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They really don't like it.

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I think back to when I used to teach college psych classes in a room, and most of the students were sort of flat.

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Some of them were looking, a lot of them were not looking.

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They were listening, I think, but they were not giving the gift of engagement, because it takes effort.

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You take on stress, but you actually lower the speaker's stress.

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And I always really appreciate people that do this.

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I call this the gift of engagement.

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It's rewarding for both people.

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For the person speaking, it literally lights up the reward centers in their brain.

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And it gives us opportunities for the two experiences that we'll discuss in the next sections, which are the things that lead to deep connection.

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When you do this and you clearly communicate that you won't judge or criticize, you create psychological safety.

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So people don't want to open up and connect more deeply otherwise.

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Like imagine if someone thinks you'll judge or criticize what they say.

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Well, they're not going to share anything vulnerable and therefore you won't develop a connection.

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So engage and clearly communicate acceptance and encouragement.

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We know that doing these things can help reduce their social anxiety and their protectiveness.

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To really connect deeply, what you're looking for is an overlap between the two of you in who you are,

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what you've been through and how you see things.

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So psychologists we sometimes call this shared reality and scientifically it's one of the strongest drivers of deep connection. Of course

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you won't agree with everything and you don't have to

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but the worst thing you can do is come across like you think their perspective is wrong or invalid.

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You may think you're right but that door is getting closed and it's getting locked.

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So instead, I'd encourage you to focus on where you agree if you're trying to connect.

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So have you had similar experiences?

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Have you felt similar emotions?

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When you find those overlaps, then share them, celebrate them.

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If they tell you about an exciting time, tell them about an experience you've had that gave you similar feelings.

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Connection is built by identifying and then leaning into these areas of common ground.

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Okay, well, it is hard to practice these skills unless you're getting into conversations with new people.

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So if you want to work on meeting people and mastering small talk, then watch this video next.

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It is the perfect precursor for starting conversations without the awkwardness.

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이 레슨의 어휘와 말하기 포인트

이 B2 수준 말하기 레슨은 영상 “Master The Art Of Conversation”을(를) 바탕으로 합니다. 이 영상에는 섀도잉할 문장 266개와 단어 3166개가 있습니다. 말하는 구간의 길이는 19:51입니다. 화자는 분당 약 159단어로, 일상 대화에 가까운 자연스러운 속도로 말합니다. 단어의 88%가 영어에서 가장 많이 쓰이는 3,000단어에 속해 어휘가 쉬운 편입니다. 전체 266문장 중 48문장이 질문이어서 의문문 억양과 짧은 대답을 연습하기에 좋습니다.

이 영상의 핵심 어휘

영상에서 가장 어려운 단어 15개를 발음, 뜻과 함께 정리했습니다.

단어	발음	뜻
emotion 명사	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	감정
enjoyable 형용사	/ɛnˈd͡ʒɔɪ.ə.bl̩/	즐겁다
listener 명사	/ˈlɪs(ə)nɚ/	경청자, 청취자
memo 명사	/ˈmɛməʊ̯/	메모
react 동사	/ɹiːˈækt/	반응하다
converse 동사	/kənˈvɝs/	대화하다, 이야기하다
motivate 동사	/ˈmoʊ.tɪ.veɪt/	...에 동기를 주다
psychologist 명사	/ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/	심리학자
spark 명사	/ˈspɑɹk/	불꽃, 스파크
meaningful 형용사	/ˈmiː.nɪŋ.fl̩/	유의미(有意味)하다
invitation 명사	/ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/	초대
brainstorming 명사		브레인스토밍
constrain 동사	/kənˈstɹeɪn/	제한, 구속
deepen 동사	/ˈdiːpən/	깊게 하다
embarrass 동사	/ɪmˈbæɹəs/	난처하다, 창피 주다

영상에 나오는 구동사

단어	발음	뜻
come out 동사	/ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/	나오다
point out 동사		가리키다

따라 말해 볼 만한 문장

영상에 나오는 짧고 완결된 문장으로, 일상 대화에서 그대로 쓸 수 있습니다:

Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?
What were you into in high school?
Is it what you expected?
Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?
Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?

이 영상의 문법

화자가 가장 많이 쓰는 문형을 영상 속 실제 표현과 함께 정리했습니다.

문형	영상 속 표현
조건문 if + 절, will/would + 동사 — 조건과 그 결과	if someone thinks you'll judge
현재완료 have/has + 과거분사 — 과거의 일이 지금도 관련이 있을 때	I've spent · Have you ever lived · you've always wanted
수동태 be + 과거분사 — 누가 하는지보다 무슨 일이 일어나는지에 초점	being asked · are constrained · is transcribed
관계절 who / which + 절 — 사람이나 사물에 대한 추가 정보	game, which is · people who are · sections, which are

주의할 발음

화자는 don't, you're, I'm 같은 축약형과 약화된 형태를 76번 사용합니다. 들리는 대로 짧게 발음하세요.

“sh”와 “zh” 소리: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, conduction /kənˈdʌkʃən/, tertiary /ˈtɜː.ʃi.ə.ɹiː/
긴 단어 — 강세 위치에 주의: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, inherently /ɪnˈhɛɹəntli/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, organically /ɔːˈɡænɪkli/

한국어 화자가 어려워하는 소리:

/f/ — ㅍ(/p/)으로 바꾸지 말고 윗니를 아랫입술에 대기: meaningful /ˈmiː.nɪŋ.fl̩/, fizzle /ˈfɪzəl/, frustrate /ˈfɹʌsˌtɹeɪt/, scientifically /ˌsaɪ.ənˈtɪfɪkli/, stiff /stɪf/
/v/ — ㅂ(/b/)과 구별하기: converse /kənˈvɝs/, relive /ɹiːˈlɪv/, motivate /ˈmoʊ.tɪ.veɪt/, overlap /ˌəʊvəˈlæp/, verbal /ˈvɜː.bəl/
/z/ — ㅈ이 아니라 성대를 울리는 /s/: resonant /ˈɹɛzənənt/, criticize /ˈkɹɪtɪsaɪz/, fizzle /ˈfɪzəl/, noisy /ˈnɔɪzi/

이 영상으로 연습하는 방법

먼저 말하지 않고 영상을 끝까지 듣고 모르는 단어를 적어 둡니다.
0.75배속으로 한 문장씩 섀도잉을 시작하고, 익숙해지면 보통 속도로 돌아갑니다.
자신의 목소리를 녹음해 원본과 비교하고, emotion, enjoyable, listener 같은 단어에 특히 주의합니다.

쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법

쉐도잉(Shadowing)은 원래 전문 통역사 훈련을 위해 개발된 언어 학습 기법으로, 다언어 학자인 Dr. Alexander Arguelles에 의해 대중화된 방법입니다. 핵심 원리는 간단하지만 매우 강력합니다: 원어민의 영어를 들으면서 1~2초의 짧은 지연으로 즉시 소리 내어 따라 말하는 것——마치 '그림자(shadow)'처럼 화자를 따라가는 것입니다. 문법 공부나 수동적인 청취와 달리, 쉐도잉은 뇌와 입 근육이 동시에 실시간으로 영어를 처리하고 재현하도록 훈련합니다. 연구에 따르면 이 방법은 발음 정확도, 억양, 리듬, 연음, 청취력, 말하기 유창성을 크게 향상시킵니다. IELTS 스피킹 준비와 자연스러운 영어 소통을 원하는 분들에게 특히 효과적입니다.

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