Shadowing Practice: Master The Art Of Conversation (Using Psychology) - Learn English Speaking with Video
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It's easy to get stuck in small talk that goes nowhere.
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You both feel bored and the conversation fizzles out.
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But once you understand how deeper connection really works, then conversations become enjoyable, meaningful, and they leave both of you feeling closer.
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A lot of the time, what you say matters less than how well you listen, how you respond, and the questions that you ask next.
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So if you master these skills, you can deepen almost any conversation.
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So in this video, I'll show you two things.
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First, how to escape that small talk trap.
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And second, how to move into meaningful conversations that leave you feeling connected.
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I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman.
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I'm a clinical psychologist and an author, and I've spent years helping people improve their social skills and build real relationships.
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And a huge thanks to Notter for sponsoring this video.
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So you need to get out of information exchange and go deeper.
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So this means not asking for more and more surface knowledge, but instead getting into deeper topics, like what motivates people, what do they care about,
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and what is emotionally engaging for them.
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But if you linger in small talk too long, yeah, it gets boring.
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Why?
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Because small talk isn't good at triggering emotions.
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It calms us down, that's great, that's why we have it.
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But then we need to trigger some kind of emotion in order for the conversation to be interesting and engaging.
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Yes, you'll usually start with the boring expected starter questions.
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I know there's some people who'll tell you to jump straight into deep questions immediately, like, what are you passionate about right now?
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But in context, like, that's often awkward.
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it's generally smoother to get there organically.
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So start from the boring questions but then go pretty quickly into open-ended questions.
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This will get them talking twice as much.
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I like how did you come to do x and that really means like what motivated you to do that?
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Don't focus on what they did, focus on why they wanted to do it.
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Why did they choose it And what was it like when they did it?
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Okay, let's look at some examples of how to go deeper quickly from those boring starter getting to know you questions.
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Boring starter question.
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Where are you from?
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We can go into what was it like growing up there?
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And now you're into the topic of growing up, which is inherently more emotionally resonant and therefore not boring.
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Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?
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What were you into in high school?
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Okay, boring starter question.
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What do you do?
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So work for a lot of people is not emotionally resonant.
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Therefore, it's boring, right?
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So what do you do?
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Oh, I manage tertiary accounts for Main Street Capital Solutions.
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I'm going nowhere with that.
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But if you can tell that their job is emotionally resonant for them, then try, how did you get into that?
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Is it what you expected?
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When did you know this is what you wanted to do?
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And maybe even like, what do you like about it?
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If it's boring, then just get off that work topic entirely.
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Maybe even go back to childhood or growing up, because we know that's emotionally resonant.
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Like, we can ask, oh, did you always want to do that?
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Probably not.
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What did you want to do when you were growing up?
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Everyone has an answer for this.
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Okay, boring starter question.
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Do you live around here?
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Well, we can make that more interesting by saying, well, how did you decide to move here?
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Have you ever lived somewhere else?
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Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?
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So desire and change, again, are inherently emotional.
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And emotion is not boring.
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Boring side of question, what do you do for fun?
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So here you can try the favorite, least favorite game, which is pretty enjoyable.
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So if someone says, oh, I like hiking.
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Oh yeah?
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Like, what's your favorite trail?
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And then you get to figure out why and like what works for them.
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Like, why do they enjoy this or not enjoy that?
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Why is it their favorite or their least favorite?
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Okay, will this work every time?
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Well, yes, 60% of the time it will.
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But the benefit of these open-ended questions is that you let people decide how deep they want to go.
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Some don't want to connect.
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That is fine.
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We're not forcing them, right?
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I know that some people worry that asking these deeper questions is intrusive.
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So I think of them more like it's an invitation.
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Some people will accept the invitation.
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Some won't.
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It's nice either way.
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It's easy to assume others won't want to share just because maybe we don't, right?
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But the research shows us that most people like being asked questions, kind of a lot of them,
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and they enjoy deeper, more sensitive ones way more than you'd think.
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But asking better questions is just the first step.
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To go further, you want to shift how you actually converse with people.
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So I want you to have this mindset, stop talking like a stranger and instead talk like a friend.
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So like mentally pretend you're friends.
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You can look at people and you can tell who are strangers and who are actually close.
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Strangers are constrained and controlled and stiff and careful and like safely asking the most surface boring questions of all time.
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Hope is forever pointing out people who are on first dates because it's just so obvious.
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When we're closer with people, we're looser.
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We bounce around between topics, we ask more sensitive questions, we go deep, we joke, we interject, and people like it better
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when we interact with them in a manner that's closer to friendship than if you were to treat them like strangers.
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If you talk like a stranger, you will feel like a stranger.
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So fun conversations move around, covering lots of different topics.
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boring ones get stuck in one place for too long
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so allow things to move so stop and think about it like
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if you look back on great conversations like don't you usually see
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that we've probably covered a range of different things
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and maybe even never fully finished any one topic
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but there always is open loops because one idea sparks another idea and that then is what made it flow right
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so we want to ride that wave of topics we want to ride
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that flow so don't just stubbornly stick in the same place
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and also don't just keep dragging it back to
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that place I was on a very nice first date many years ago
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and she was kind and she asked me about what my top five favorite movies were
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And so I would name one and then we would branch off into it, like why I was into that movie.
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It would spark another idea and a question and we'd go somewhere.
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So we were having, honestly, a great conversation.
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But time and again, she would stop me and say, oh, oh, oh, sorry, we've got off track there.
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I think you're up to number three.
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What's number two?
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This was a bit frustrating, right?
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The point was not the list.
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The list was just a starter that could get us exploring
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and finding more interesting areas where we could have a better conversation.
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Think of conversation like taking a joyride.
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So you want to take your conversation partner places that they enjoy.
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But you can't just ask, hey, what would you want to talk about?
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Because the social code says it has to feel organic.
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So what we do is we just keep things moving, transitioning into new topics here and there, and then we notice where do they respond?
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Like what do they react to?
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So specifically what you're looking for is for their facial expressions to kind of light up.
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Like you can see the emotion on their face, or maybe they get more animated, they talk faster, or they start telling you more, like more words come out.
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So these are all cues that something has triggered an emotion.
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And again, remember, that's what makes things not boring.
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So when you see this, dig deeper.
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Like, what is it about that that's so appealing?
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What do you like about doing this?
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You know, I've never done it before.
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I've always wondered.
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You can see they've reacted to something.
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So you dig in on that.
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Now, this works best if you are genuinely curious too.
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So maybe think about things that you actually want to know, like their opinions on or like certain qualities they have,
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or maybe experiences that reveal more of who they are under the surface, right?
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So when someone's a stranger, they seem more like just a type, like more generic.
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But to that person's friends, they are a unique weirdo.
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If you can find out what makes them unique, then you have moved closer to them, somewhere closer where their friends are.
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When you find those moments where they light up, that's your signal to go deeper.
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and the best way to do that is to get them recounting stories and memories.
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When we find interesting or emotionally resonant topics, we want to encourage people to share their experiences and to tell us stories.
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Maybe you've heard that humans get more happiness from buying experiences than they do from buying stuff.
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Well, the same is true for talking.
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We love telling other people about our enjoyable experiences, and it brings us closer.
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More good news, because we have already lived them, stories that we tell are concrete, meaning we can give details,
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we can describe the senses, we can relive the emotions.
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So research even finds that narrating a memory, it amps up the emotion involved.
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So like let's say they enjoy traveling.
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Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?
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What was that like?
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Tell me the story.
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Will they like this?
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Well, think about how much people want to share
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when they come back from a great vacation and how quickly bored most of their friends probably get.
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One of the hardest situations is when you're in conversations with someone, but you're required to look away to do a task like taking notes.
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In the research, we know that this is really hard on the other person.
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In therapy, right, being clearly connected while someone is speaking is
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so vital that I actually spent years teaching myself to write notes without looking down at the page.
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But luckily, you don't have to spend years learning how to do this.
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you can just check out a new device that I've found really helpful lately.
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Notamemo is a pocket-sized AI voice recorder that captures high-quality audio and transcribes it into text.
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With the press of a single button, you can record anywhere and know that your words and your conversations are safely captured.
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It can record in-person meetings without the need for a computer or phone, as well as both sides of a work call, thanks to bone conduction technology.
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Not-A-Memo records with clarity even in noisy places
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and everything sinks right into the Not-A-Site where the conversation is transcribed with time-saving summaries and even smart suggestions.
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Hope and I use Not-A-Memo when we work on our YouTube script ideas.
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We both love that we can be fully engaged in the brainstorming
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and the creativity without one of us having to break attention to take notes.
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So if you want to stop worrying about missing what matters
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and and start focusing fully on the people in front of you, try the Notter memo with the link below, and use my 20% off discount code to get started.
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So we don't care about the information.
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What we care about is the story.
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Friends don't give each other one sentence AI summaries of what happened, right?
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They want to take their friend on the journey.
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They want to tell them the story.
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And whenever we can converse like friends rather than strangers, We end up closer, right?
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I will literally say that's so interesting.
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Tell me the story If they relive the experience and we follow it internally right by listening
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picturing it then we experience it with them and
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That is deeply connecting because we have just lived through the same event in our imaginations
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So when you both feel the same emotions
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like the excitement as they describe what was about to happen or like we laugh together when something unexpected happens.
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Research suggests that's our brains bonding as well as using memory to travel into the past.
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We can also take them time traveling into the future.
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So have them tell you about things they've always wanted to do but haven't done yet.
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Like what's on their bucket list?
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what are they hoping will happen in the future these are emotionally resonant stories too
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only they exist in imagination rather memory both of which are stored there in the brain
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okay and
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if you feel like being really brave with this nothing is
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more connecting than trading embarrassing stories stories will really connect you if you can listen in the right way if you don't,
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it will actually cause problems and it cuts off connection.
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So let's look at how to do it.
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When you're listening to someone telling you about themselves, especially their experiences, which you want, right?
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You want to do it in a particular way.
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Basically, you communicate that you are engaged, like as mentally engaged as when you're talking.
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Your energy is not directed to what are you going to say next, it's to fully understanding what you're hearing.
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People don't want to just be listened to, they want to be understood.
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That is key.
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Your engagement as a listener can really drive connection.
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Have you ever talked to people and suddenly you're like, wow, huh, like I'm really funny and I'm good at telling stories.
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And then you go talk to somebody else and you find that you can kind of barely put your words together.
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Well, that's the power of a a good listener.
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A good listener helps this happen.
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You might have heard elsewhere that active listening is basically parroting back what people say,
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but in reality that tends to feel robotic and forced.
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Instead, authentic engaged listening is showing the person that they are getting through to you.
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So there are a few ways that really help you do this.
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Back channeling, this is short verbal cues like yeah totally uh-huh wow plus non-verbal cues like nodding
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or like matching your expressions to what they're saying so like wincing
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if someone's describing something painful this is especially true
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when they look at you since if someone is talking to you
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and they look at you a lot of times they're seeking confirmation that you're still with them that you get it.
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Next, asking follow-up questions.
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Ask things that you couldn't say if you weren't actually listening.
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Get more information about what you're curious about.
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Refer back to earlier points.
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If you don't fully understand, ask.
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Like, oh, what happened next?
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What did you do?
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Engage with stories like a child.
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So think about parents, you know, telling stories to kids.
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Kids don't sit politely they react they laugh they gasp they ask questions they co-create the story
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and that's how you want to listen live in the story in your imagination
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and ask for the missing pieces
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that are not there this way you help the person tell the story
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and you help the story come alive
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so for example i might be like oh man that's crazy
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like were you scared you're probably like i need to get out of here
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so these questions
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which you interject in they make the story more enjoyable for the speaker they make the story more vivid
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and they also make the speaker feel like they're a better storyteller
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and in turn that encourages them to say more right
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and the more they say that's strongly associated with attraction
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and closeness on the other hand if you don't do this engage listening, it is crushing for people.
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It causes all kinds of problems to the speaker.
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They really don't like it.
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I think back to when I used to teach college psych classes in a room, and most of the students were sort of flat.
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Some of them were looking, a lot of them were not looking.
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They were listening, I think, but they were not giving the gift of engagement, because it takes effort.
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You take on stress, but you actually lower the speaker's stress.
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And I always really appreciate people that do this.
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I call this the gift of engagement.
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It's rewarding for both people.
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For the person speaking, it literally lights up the reward centers in their brain.
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And it gives us opportunities for the two experiences that we'll discuss in the next sections, which are the things that lead to deep connection.
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When you do this and you clearly communicate that you won't judge or criticize, you create psychological safety.
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So people don't want to open up and connect more deeply otherwise.
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Like imagine if someone thinks you'll judge or criticize what they say.
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Well, they're not going to share anything vulnerable and therefore you won't develop a connection.
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So engage and clearly communicate acceptance and encouragement.
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We know that doing these things can help reduce their social anxiety and their protectiveness.
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To really connect deeply, what you're looking for is an overlap between the two of you in who you are,
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what you've been through and how you see things.
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So psychologists we sometimes call this shared reality and scientifically it's one of the strongest drivers of deep connection. Of course
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you won't agree with everything and you don't have to
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but the worst thing you can do is come across like you think their perspective is wrong or invalid.
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You may think you're right but that door is getting closed and it's getting locked.
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So instead, I'd encourage you to focus on where you agree if you're trying to connect.
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So have you had similar experiences?
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Have you felt similar emotions?
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When you find those overlaps, then share them, celebrate them.
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If they tell you about an exciting time, tell them about an experience you've had that gave you similar feelings.
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Connection is built by identifying and then leaning into these areas of common ground.
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Okay, well, it is hard to practice these skills unless you're getting into conversations with new people.
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So if you want to work on meeting people and mastering small talk, then watch this video next.
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It is the perfect precursor for starting conversations without the awkwardness.
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu B2 seviyesindeki konuşma dersi “Master The Art Of Conversation” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 266 cümle ve 3166 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 19:51 sürüyor. Konuşmacı dakikada yaklaşık 159 kelimeyle, günlük konuşmaya yakın doğal bir hızda konuşuyor. Kelimelerin %88’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay. 266 cümlenin 48 tanesi soru; soru tonlaması ve kısa cevaplar için iyi bir alıştırma.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodaki en ileri düzey 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| bore fiil | /boɹ/ | burgulamak |
| emotion isim | /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ | duygu, his |
| listener isim | /ˈlɪs(ə)nɚ/ | dinleyici |
| memo isim | /ˈmɛməʊ̯/ | kısa not |
| react fiil | /ɹiːˈækt/ | reaksiyon göstermek |
| converse fiil | /kənˈvɝs/ | konuşmak, söyleşmek |
| criticize fiil | /ˈkɹɪtɪsaɪz/ | eleştirmek, tenkit etmek |
| psychologist isim | /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/ | psikolog |
| spark isim | /ˈspɑɹk/ | kıvılcım, şerare |
| meaningful sıfat | /ˈmiː.nɪŋ.fl̩/ | anlamlı, manalı |
| invitation isim | /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/ | davet, çağrı |
| mentally zarf | /ˈmɛntəli/ | aklen |
| animate sıfat | /ˈæn.ə.mət/ | canlı, diri |
| brainstorming isim | beyin fırtınası, fikir fırtınası | |
| closeness isim | /ˈkloʊs.nəs/ | yakınlık |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| grow up fiil | büyümek, yetişmek | |
| light up fiil | aydınlatmak | |
| get off fiil | inmek | |
| check out fiil | gözden geçirmek | |
| come across fiil | karşıdan karşıya geçmek | |
| come out fiil | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | çıkmak |
| figure out fiil | açığa çıkarmak | |
| find out fiil | anlamak, ortaya çıkarmak |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?
- What were you into in high school?
- Is it what you expected?
- Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?
- Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Koşul cümleleri if + cümle, will/would + fiil — bir koşul ve sonucu | if someone thinks you'll judge |
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | I've spent · Have you ever lived · you've always wanted |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | being asked · are constrained · is transcribed |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | game, which is · people who are · sections, which are |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı don't, you're, I'm gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 76 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, conduction /kənˈdʌkʃən/, tertiary /ˈtɜː.ʃi.ə.ɹiː/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, inherently /ɪnˈhɛɹəntli/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, organically /ɔːˈɡænɪkli/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: starter /ˈstɑɹ.tɚ/, cue /kju/, transcribe /trænˈskɹaɪb/, criticize /ˈkɹɪtɪsaɪz/, spark /ˈspɑɹk/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: react /ɹiːˈækt/, transcribe /trænˈskɹaɪb/, overlap /ˌəʊvəˈlæp/, animate /ˈæn.ə.mət/, embarrass /ɪmˈbæɹəs/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; bore, emotion, listener gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.