Pratica di Shadowing: Master The Art Of Conversation (Using Psychology) - Impara a parlare inglese con i video
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It's easy to get stuck in small talk that goes nowhere.
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You both feel bored and the conversation fizzles out.
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But once you understand how deeper connection really works, then conversations become enjoyable, meaningful, and they leave both of you feeling closer.
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A lot of the time, what you say matters less than how well you listen, how you respond, and the questions that you ask next.
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So if you master these skills, you can deepen almost any conversation.
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So in this video, I'll show you two things.
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First, how to escape that small talk trap.
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And second, how to move into meaningful conversations that leave you feeling connected.
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I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman.
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I'm a clinical psychologist and an author, and I've spent years helping people improve their social skills and build real relationships.
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And a huge thanks to Notter for sponsoring this video.
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So you need to get out of information exchange and go deeper.
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So this means not asking for more and more surface knowledge, but instead getting into deeper topics, like what motivates people, what do they care about,
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and what is emotionally engaging for them.
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But if you linger in small talk too long, yeah, it gets boring.
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Why?
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Because small talk isn't good at triggering emotions.
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It calms us down, that's great, that's why we have it.
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But then we need to trigger some kind of emotion in order for the conversation to be interesting and engaging.
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Yes, you'll usually start with the boring expected starter questions.
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I know there's some people who'll tell you to jump straight into deep questions immediately, like, what are you passionate about right now?
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But in context, like, that's often awkward.
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it's generally smoother to get there organically.
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So start from the boring questions but then go pretty quickly into open-ended questions.
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This will get them talking twice as much.
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I like how did you come to do x and that really means like what motivated you to do that?
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Don't focus on what they did, focus on why they wanted to do it.
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Why did they choose it And what was it like when they did it?
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Okay, let's look at some examples of how to go deeper quickly from those boring starter getting to know you questions.
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Boring starter question.
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Where are you from?
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We can go into what was it like growing up there?
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And now you're into the topic of growing up, which is inherently more emotionally resonant and therefore not boring.
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Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?
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What were you into in high school?
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Okay, boring starter question.
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What do you do?
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So work for a lot of people is not emotionally resonant.
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Therefore, it's boring, right?
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So what do you do?
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Oh, I manage tertiary accounts for Main Street Capital Solutions.
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I'm going nowhere with that.
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But if you can tell that their job is emotionally resonant for them, then try, how did you get into that?
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Is it what you expected?
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When did you know this is what you wanted to do?
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And maybe even like, what do you like about it?
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If it's boring, then just get off that work topic entirely.
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Maybe even go back to childhood or growing up, because we know that's emotionally resonant.
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Like, we can ask, oh, did you always want to do that?
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Probably not.
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What did you want to do when you were growing up?
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Everyone has an answer for this.
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Okay, boring starter question.
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Do you live around here?
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Well, we can make that more interesting by saying, well, how did you decide to move here?
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Have you ever lived somewhere else?
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Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?
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So desire and change, again, are inherently emotional.
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And emotion is not boring.
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Boring side of question, what do you do for fun?
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So here you can try the favorite, least favorite game, which is pretty enjoyable.
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So if someone says, oh, I like hiking.
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Oh yeah?
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Like, what's your favorite trail?
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And then you get to figure out why and like what works for them.
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Like, why do they enjoy this or not enjoy that?
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Why is it their favorite or their least favorite?
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Okay, will this work every time?
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Well, yes, 60% of the time it will.
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But the benefit of these open-ended questions is that you let people decide how deep they want to go.
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Some don't want to connect.
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That is fine.
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We're not forcing them, right?
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I know that some people worry that asking these deeper questions is intrusive.
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So I think of them more like it's an invitation.
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Some people will accept the invitation.
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Some won't.
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It's nice either way.
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It's easy to assume others won't want to share just because maybe we don't, right?
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But the research shows us that most people like being asked questions, kind of a lot of them,
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and they enjoy deeper, more sensitive ones way more than you'd think.
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But asking better questions is just the first step.
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To go further, you want to shift how you actually converse with people.
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So I want you to have this mindset, stop talking like a stranger and instead talk like a friend.
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So like mentally pretend you're friends.
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You can look at people and you can tell who are strangers and who are actually close.
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Strangers are constrained and controlled and stiff and careful and like safely asking the most surface boring questions of all time.
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Hope is forever pointing out people who are on first dates because it's just so obvious.
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When we're closer with people, we're looser.
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We bounce around between topics, we ask more sensitive questions, we go deep, we joke, we interject, and people like it better
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when we interact with them in a manner that's closer to friendship than if you were to treat them like strangers.
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If you talk like a stranger, you will feel like a stranger.
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So fun conversations move around, covering lots of different topics.
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boring ones get stuck in one place for too long
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so allow things to move so stop and think about it like
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if you look back on great conversations like don't you usually see
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that we've probably covered a range of different things
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and maybe even never fully finished any one topic
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but there always is open loops because one idea sparks another idea and that then is what made it flow right
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so we want to ride that wave of topics we want to ride
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that flow so don't just stubbornly stick in the same place
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and also don't just keep dragging it back to
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that place I was on a very nice first date many years ago
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and she was kind and she asked me about what my top five favorite movies were
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And so I would name one and then we would branch off into it, like why I was into that movie.
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It would spark another idea and a question and we'd go somewhere.
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So we were having, honestly, a great conversation.
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But time and again, she would stop me and say, oh, oh, oh, sorry, we've got off track there.
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I think you're up to number three.
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What's number two?
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This was a bit frustrating, right?
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The point was not the list.
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The list was just a starter that could get us exploring
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and finding more interesting areas where we could have a better conversation.
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Think of conversation like taking a joyride.
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So you want to take your conversation partner places that they enjoy.
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But you can't just ask, hey, what would you want to talk about?
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Because the social code says it has to feel organic.
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So what we do is we just keep things moving, transitioning into new topics here and there, and then we notice where do they respond?
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Like what do they react to?
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So specifically what you're looking for is for their facial expressions to kind of light up.
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Like you can see the emotion on their face, or maybe they get more animated, they talk faster, or they start telling you more, like more words come out.
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So these are all cues that something has triggered an emotion.
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And again, remember, that's what makes things not boring.
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So when you see this, dig deeper.
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Like, what is it about that that's so appealing?
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What do you like about doing this?
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You know, I've never done it before.
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I've always wondered.
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You can see they've reacted to something.
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So you dig in on that.
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Now, this works best if you are genuinely curious too.
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So maybe think about things that you actually want to know, like their opinions on or like certain qualities they have,
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or maybe experiences that reveal more of who they are under the surface, right?
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So when someone's a stranger, they seem more like just a type, like more generic.
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But to that person's friends, they are a unique weirdo.
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If you can find out what makes them unique, then you have moved closer to them, somewhere closer where their friends are.
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When you find those moments where they light up, that's your signal to go deeper.
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and the best way to do that is to get them recounting stories and memories.
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When we find interesting or emotionally resonant topics, we want to encourage people to share their experiences and to tell us stories.
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Maybe you've heard that humans get more happiness from buying experiences than they do from buying stuff.
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Well, the same is true for talking.
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We love telling other people about our enjoyable experiences, and it brings us closer.
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More good news, because we have already lived them, stories that we tell are concrete, meaning we can give details,
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we can describe the senses, we can relive the emotions.
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So research even finds that narrating a memory, it amps up the emotion involved.
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So like let's say they enjoy traveling.
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Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?
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What was that like?
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Tell me the story.
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Will they like this?
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Well, think about how much people want to share
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when they come back from a great vacation and how quickly bored most of their friends probably get.
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One of the hardest situations is when you're in conversations with someone, but you're required to look away to do a task like taking notes.
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In the research, we know that this is really hard on the other person.
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In therapy, right, being clearly connected while someone is speaking is
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so vital that I actually spent years teaching myself to write notes without looking down at the page.
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But luckily, you don't have to spend years learning how to do this.
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you can just check out a new device that I've found really helpful lately.
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Notamemo is a pocket-sized AI voice recorder that captures high-quality audio and transcribes it into text.
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With the press of a single button, you can record anywhere and know that your words and your conversations are safely captured.
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It can record in-person meetings without the need for a computer or phone, as well as both sides of a work call, thanks to bone conduction technology.
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Not-A-Memo records with clarity even in noisy places
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and everything sinks right into the Not-A-Site where the conversation is transcribed with time-saving summaries and even smart suggestions.
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Hope and I use Not-A-Memo when we work on our YouTube script ideas.
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We both love that we can be fully engaged in the brainstorming
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and the creativity without one of us having to break attention to take notes.
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So if you want to stop worrying about missing what matters
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and and start focusing fully on the people in front of you, try the Notter memo with the link below, and use my 20% off discount code to get started.
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So we don't care about the information.
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What we care about is the story.
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Friends don't give each other one sentence AI summaries of what happened, right?
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They want to take their friend on the journey.
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They want to tell them the story.
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And whenever we can converse like friends rather than strangers, We end up closer, right?
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I will literally say that's so interesting.
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Tell me the story If they relive the experience and we follow it internally right by listening
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picturing it then we experience it with them and
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That is deeply connecting because we have just lived through the same event in our imaginations
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So when you both feel the same emotions
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like the excitement as they describe what was about to happen or like we laugh together when something unexpected happens.
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Research suggests that's our brains bonding as well as using memory to travel into the past.
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We can also take them time traveling into the future.
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So have them tell you about things they've always wanted to do but haven't done yet.
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Like what's on their bucket list?
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what are they hoping will happen in the future these are emotionally resonant stories too
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only they exist in imagination rather memory both of which are stored there in the brain
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okay and
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if you feel like being really brave with this nothing is
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more connecting than trading embarrassing stories stories will really connect you if you can listen in the right way if you don't,
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it will actually cause problems and it cuts off connection.
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So let's look at how to do it.
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When you're listening to someone telling you about themselves, especially their experiences, which you want, right?
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You want to do it in a particular way.
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Basically, you communicate that you are engaged, like as mentally engaged as when you're talking.
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Your energy is not directed to what are you going to say next, it's to fully understanding what you're hearing.
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People don't want to just be listened to, they want to be understood.
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That is key.
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Your engagement as a listener can really drive connection.
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Have you ever talked to people and suddenly you're like, wow, huh, like I'm really funny and I'm good at telling stories.
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And then you go talk to somebody else and you find that you can kind of barely put your words together.
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Well, that's the power of a a good listener.
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A good listener helps this happen.
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You might have heard elsewhere that active listening is basically parroting back what people say,
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but in reality that tends to feel robotic and forced.
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Instead, authentic engaged listening is showing the person that they are getting through to you.
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So there are a few ways that really help you do this.
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Back channeling, this is short verbal cues like yeah totally uh-huh wow plus non-verbal cues like nodding
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or like matching your expressions to what they're saying so like wincing
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if someone's describing something painful this is especially true
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when they look at you since if someone is talking to you
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and they look at you a lot of times they're seeking confirmation that you're still with them that you get it.
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Next, asking follow-up questions.
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Ask things that you couldn't say if you weren't actually listening.
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Get more information about what you're curious about.
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Refer back to earlier points.
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If you don't fully understand, ask.
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Like, oh, what happened next?
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What did you do?
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Engage with stories like a child.
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So think about parents, you know, telling stories to kids.
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Kids don't sit politely they react they laugh they gasp they ask questions they co-create the story
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and that's how you want to listen live in the story in your imagination
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and ask for the missing pieces
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that are not there this way you help the person tell the story
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and you help the story come alive
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so for example i might be like oh man that's crazy
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like were you scared you're probably like i need to get out of here
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so these questions
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which you interject in they make the story more enjoyable for the speaker they make the story more vivid
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and they also make the speaker feel like they're a better storyteller
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and in turn that encourages them to say more right
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and the more they say that's strongly associated with attraction
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and closeness on the other hand if you don't do this engage listening, it is crushing for people.
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It causes all kinds of problems to the speaker.
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They really don't like it.
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I think back to when I used to teach college psych classes in a room, and most of the students were sort of flat.
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Some of them were looking, a lot of them were not looking.
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They were listening, I think, but they were not giving the gift of engagement, because it takes effort.
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You take on stress, but you actually lower the speaker's stress.
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And I always really appreciate people that do this.
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I call this the gift of engagement.
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It's rewarding for both people.
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For the person speaking, it literally lights up the reward centers in their brain.
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And it gives us opportunities for the two experiences that we'll discuss in the next sections, which are the things that lead to deep connection.
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When you do this and you clearly communicate that you won't judge or criticize, you create psychological safety.
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So people don't want to open up and connect more deeply otherwise.
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Like imagine if someone thinks you'll judge or criticize what they say.
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Well, they're not going to share anything vulnerable and therefore you won't develop a connection.
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So engage and clearly communicate acceptance and encouragement.
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We know that doing these things can help reduce their social anxiety and their protectiveness.
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To really connect deeply, what you're looking for is an overlap between the two of you in who you are,
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what you've been through and how you see things.
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So psychologists we sometimes call this shared reality and scientifically it's one of the strongest drivers of deep connection. Of course
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you won't agree with everything and you don't have to
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but the worst thing you can do is come across like you think their perspective is wrong or invalid.
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You may think you're right but that door is getting closed and it's getting locked.
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So instead, I'd encourage you to focus on where you agree if you're trying to connect.
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So have you had similar experiences?
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Have you felt similar emotions?
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When you find those overlaps, then share them, celebrate them.
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If they tell you about an exciting time, tell them about an experience you've had that gave you similar feelings.
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Connection is built by identifying and then leaning into these areas of common ground.
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Okay, well, it is hard to practice these skills unless you're getting into conversations with new people.
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So if you want to work on meeting people and mastering small talk, then watch this video next.
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It is the perfect precursor for starting conversations without the awkwardness.
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Vocabolario e note di pronuncia per questa lezione
Questa lezione di conversazione di livello B2 si basa sul video “Master The Art Of Conversation”. Questo video contiene 266 frasi e 3166 parole da ripetere con lo shadowing. Il parlato dura 19:51. Chi parla ha un ritmo naturale di circa 159 parole al minuto, vicino a una conversazione quotidiana. Il 88% delle parole rientra nelle 3.000 più comuni dell’inglese, quindi il lessico è facile da seguire. 48 delle sue 266 frasi sono domande: un buon esercizio per l’intonazione interrogativa e le risposte brevi.
Vocaboli chiave di questo video
Le 15 parole più avanzate del video, con pronuncia e significato:
| Parola | Pronuncia | Significato |
|---|---|---|
| bore verbo | /boɹ/ | annoiare, tediare |
| emotion sostantivo | /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ | emozione |
| enjoyable aggettivo | /ɛnˈd͡ʒɔɪ.ə.bl̩/ | piacevole, gradevole |
| listener sostantivo | /ˈlɪs(ə)nɚ/ | ascoltatore, ascoltatrice |
| cue sostantivo | /kju/ | segnale, avvertimento |
| react verbo | /ɹiːˈækt/ | reagire |
| converse verbo | /kənˈvɝs/ | conversare, parlare |
| relive verbo | /ɹiːˈlɪv/ | rivivere |
| transcribe verbo | /trænˈskɹaɪb/ | trascrivere |
| inherently avverbio | /ɪnˈhɛɹəntli/ | intrinsecamente |
| motivate verbo | /ˈmoʊ.tɪ.veɪt/ | motivare |
| criticize verbo | /ˈkɹɪtɪsaɪz/ | criticare |
| overlap verbo | /ˌəʊvəˈlæp/ | embricare, accavallare |
| psychologist sostantivo | /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/ | psicologo, psicologa |
| verbal aggettivo | /ˈvɜː.bəl/ | verbale |
I phrasal verb che sentirai
| Parola | Significato |
|---|---|
| grow up verbo | crescere |
| get off verbo | scendere |
| check out verbo | investigare |
| come across verbo | dare l'impressione, avere l'aria |
| end up verbo | andare a finire, finire |
| figure out verbo | scoprire, rendersi conto |
| find out verbo | scoprire |
| open up verbo | aprire |
Frasi da ripetere
Frasi brevi e complete del video che puoi riutilizzare nella conversazione di tutti i giorni:
- Maybe were you a troublemaker or a good kid?
- What were you into in high school?
- Is it what you expected?
- Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live?
- Ask them, what's your favorite place that you visited?
La grammatica di questo video
Le strutture che chi parla usa di più, con le parole esatte del video:
| Struttura | Nel video |
|---|---|
| Frasi condizionali if + frase, will/would + verbo — una condizione e il suo risultato | if someone thinks you'll judge |
| Present perfect have/has + participio passato — un’azione passata che conta ancora adesso | I've spent · Have you ever lived · you've always wanted |
| Forma passiva be + participio passato — conta ciò che accade, non chi lo fa | being asked · are constrained · is transcribed |
| Frasi relative who / which + frase — un’informazione in più su una persona o una cosa | game, which is · people who are · sections, which are |
Pronuncia a cui fare attenzione
Chi parla usa 76 contrazioni e forme ridotte, come don't, you're, I'm. Pronunciale nella forma breve, così come le senti.
- I suoni “sh” e “zh”: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, conduction /kənˈdʌkʃən/, tertiary /ˈtɜː.ʃi.ə.ɹiː/
- Parole lunghe — attenzione all’accento: emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, inherently /ɪnˈhɛɹəntli/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, organically /ɔːˈɡænɪkli/
I suoni difficili per chi parla italiano:
- /h/ — va soffiata, non è muta: inherently /ɪnˈhɛɹəntli/, hike /haɪk/
- Consonante finale — senza aggiungere una vocale dopo: resonant /ˈɹɛzənənt/, react /ɹiːˈækt/, converse /kənˈvɝs/, interject /ɪn.tɚˈd͡ʒɛkt/, relive /ɹiːˈlɪv/
- /æ/ — più aperta della “e”: react /ɹiːˈækt/, transcribe /trænˈskɹaɪb/, overlap /ˌəʊvəˈlæp/, animate /ˈæn.ə.mət/, embarrass /ɪmˈbæɹəs/
Come esercitarsi con questo video
- Ascolta tutto il video una volta senza parlare e annota le parole che non conosci.
- Inizia a velocità 0,75×, fai shadowing frase per frase e torna alla velocità normale quando diventa facile.
- Registrati e confronta con l’originale, facendo attenzione a parole come bore, emotion, enjoyable.
Cos'è la tecnica dello Shadowing?
Shadowing è una tecnica di apprendimento delle lingue supportata da studi scientifici, originariamente sviluppata per la formazione dei traduttori professionisti e resa popolare dal poliglotta Dr. Alexander Arguelles. Il metodo è semplice ma potente: ascolti un audio in inglese di madrelingua e lo ripeti immediatamente ad alta voce — come un'ombra che segue il parlante con un ritardo di solo 1–2 secondi. A differenza dell'ascolto passivo o degli esercizi di grammatica, lo shadowing costringe il tuo cervello e i muscoli della bocca a elaborare e riprodurre simultaneamente i modelli di discorso reale. La ricerca dimostra che migliora significativamente la precisione della pronuncia, l'intonazione, il ritmo, il discorso connesso, la comprensione dell'ascolto e la fluidità del parlato — rendendolo uno dei metodi più efficaci per la preparazione alla prova di speaking dell'IELTS e per la comunicazione reale in inglese.