Shadowing Practice: Why “Good Parenting” Creates Clingy Kids - Learn English Speaking with Video

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It feels like there's an unspoken rule in modern parenting that to be a good mom or dad, you have to be on 24 -7.

The coach, the cheerleader, the referee, and sometimes the playmate.

All day, every single day.

And if you actually pull it off, you become the perfectly engaged parent that's always available.

And you tend to get rewarded with a kid who seems like can't play alone for 30 seconds.

You know the feeling, you finally sit down for an email or a coffee or just to watch your show.

And then within 30 seconds, there's a small person who needs your attention right away

and every parent of a toddler knows it

and it does come with this what feels like quiet guilt

because it feels like the harder you try to be a present parent than the clingier those kids get

and most of the internet will say it's a phase and

that they'll grow out of it

but that's that's not actually what the research says for a lot of us the clinginess isn't a phase

that we're just going to be able to wait out it's a habit

that we end up accidentally training onto our kids and it's not

because we're too involved i think there's plenty of deeply involved parents

that have wildly independent kids but there's four specific things

that feel like the best parenting on earth but

that are quietly teaching our kids one lesson look i've got two boys

and i'm very guilty of doing almost all of these things

if not all four of them

but it's it's i think it's just good to be aware

because once you see them it's hard to unsee

and then you can kind of catch yourself in the act the first thing the interruption the first one happens

when your kid is doing the exact thing that you want

which is just playing they are totally locked in in their own little world.

This psychologist, whose name I'm not going to say, called it flow.

It's when that time disappears when you're just like in deep focus mode.

And with little kids, we see this happen when they're playing, stacking cups, lining up cars, or even just watching a bug for 10 minutes straight.

To them, it's not nothing.

It's really deep work.

What do we do the second we see it as parents?

We tend to commentate.

Wow, look at that big tower or oh, what color is that?

And our heart's the right place because we want to connect with our kids but what actually happens is that focus

disappears it's not that it gets redirected it's just gone

and there's a name for this move too that researchers call intrusiveness

which is basically

when we steer kids play towards what we want instead of what they're actually doing in

that moment in time

and in study after study it tracks towards weaker self -control

as kids get older now you didn't mean to we mean well as parents

but you just taught them that the best part of playing is the moment

that they stop and look at you for attention.

Now, the advice here isn't to ignore your kid.

I think answering them when they reach for it, when they're asking and looking for input is the whole point, but it's when they're specifically locked in that you don't want to interrupt them or teach them to look for that praise.

When they're locked in, let them stay locked in.

Let them keep doing their own thing.

And as hard as it might be, try not to just jump in because unless they give you that invitation, because you want to be responding instead of yanking them out of something good.

Now, the second thing, good job.

Now, this is the one that I'm probably most guilty of because even if I'm good at not interrupting them, the first thing I do when my kids hold up a drawing or show me something that they're proud of,

it's an automatic good job.

And I think a lot of people here in the States, especially, we say it a hundred times a day.

And on this one, the research is pretty clear, actually.

It's not on our side to do that.

And Carol Dweck's team at Stanford ran six separate studies.

Kids that are praised for being smart.

The moment that they hit something hard, they quit faster and enjoyed it less and did worse than kids who are praised for their effort.

And it's not just older kids in a lab.

In one study specifically, researchers recorded parents praising their one to three -year -olds at home.

And the toddlers who heard more effort praise had a healthier relationship with a challenge five years later.

And there's a simple reason for this, because when you praise the result of, you're so smart, what a beautiful painting or good job,

your kids start performing for your reaction instead of their own curiosity.

And the worst part of it is they get scared to do hard things

because failing might cost them that smart badge

and now the fix isn't to stop cheering them on

or telling them good job i think we're all going to

do this parents i think it's to aim towards the process it's not wow you're

so smart but rather it's a you didn't give up on

that one not a beautiful painting but how'd you land on using all

that you're telling them that the thing

that counts is what they did not whether you approved it

or not and now the third one i call this one the house

that says no the third one's a little different

because it's not really got anything to do with what you say

but more of the environment

that your kids are in toddlers learn the world by grabbing

it that's the literal job description they will grab anything and

so if we look at how we build our homes

and how we structure things around babies even after baby proofing there's

so many breakables cords and just a hundred things

that they're not allowed to touch

so you as a parent almost spend the whole day as a human guardrail just trailing them around

and you become what I like to call the department of no. And from down there at their height, all of those no's can add up to one lesson.

They can't take two steps without getting stopped and that they can't trust this place to not break something.

And that's something that they learn and grow with.

Now we've done a lot of videos on Montessori, which I'll link up here.

But.. that world has had an answer for this entire situation and what they call the prepared environment.

And the educator, Janet Lansbury, calls the home version a yes space, where it's one zone or just one corner of the room or even a playroom where every single object is safe.

It's not just a, can I touch this or can I do this?

Your kid knows that anything in that room is fair game.

It sounds like a small thing, but give a kid a place where they can explore without hearing the word no, and you're giving them the autonomy that research keeps finding that

that basically says kids with real safe independence are more capable

and less anxious because they cling less

because the room finally stopped saying no they knew it was safe

and number four another one

that i am just terrible at probably bad at most of these

but number four is the rescue and it's one of the hardest ones

because it bites a real instinct that you have as a parent

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when your kid is losing a fight with a shoe

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or it's on the wrong foot or just something

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that they're trying to overcome you want to step in

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and fix it and again this is the one

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that i'm the worst at especially when it comes to shoes

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because it's faster for us to get out the door

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if i just put the shoes on and

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when i do this i'm doing what researchers call be a

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little bit dramatic of a name learn helplessness though the cleaner

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science is about self -efficacy a kid's growing sense of i can affect my own world

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and i can do this on my own is what really matters

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because we don't want to quietly say

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that i don't think you can do this or solve this

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and there's real evidence underneath it

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because kids have more controlling you know take over parents tend to develop weaker self -regulation

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and that struggle that we keep interrupting is where

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that i can do this myself is supposed to learn

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and grow from as your kids get older my rule of thumb especially

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when i see my kids hit the wall

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or struggling with something is to try to wait for at least 30 seconds

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because that frustration is where

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that growth is happening it's reps that's what we want them to do

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and that's what we want them to get more of as they get older.

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And then when they do finally ask, I think it's also not immediately jumping in to do it for them.

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I think it's just making comments of, you know, shoes are hard, but just sitting with them in the hard moment

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and then helping them try it a little bit differently and helping them think about the solution differently, where you can see that growth and you can see them working with it

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and solving it and just being so proud of themselves that they were actually able to get it done.

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Now, all four of these come from the safe place.

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And it's not from a place of not caring as a parent, but it's from caring so much that you don't want to watch your kids struggle, get things wrong, or just be bored.

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Every one of these habits and things that even I do and that other parents do, I think it comes from a place of love.

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It's just that it's love kind of pointing in the wrong direction.

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And that's really hard, especially when your kids are so little

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and you just want to be there for them to make it easier.

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But a kid doesn't build confidence by watching us be brilliant at what they think is just really hard.

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I think they build it in that space that we leave for them to figure out themselves.

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So if we close those gaps for them, we don't give them a safe space to learn.

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The answer becomes that they rely on us, right?

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That's where they get clingy because they're trained and taught

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and basically told that the job is that we as parents are everything to our kids.

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And it's not.

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The job as a parent, which is really hard to sometimes take and strange, almost sad version of it, is

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that we have to make ourselves a little bit unnecessary to

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raise somebody who one day doesn't need us hovering three feet behind them.

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You don't get there by doing more for your kids.

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You get there by now and then just doing nothing, letting them figure it out until they've got it.

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So for this week, try to pick one of these

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that stuck with you the most and loosen your grip just a little bit on it.

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Whether they're in deep, quiet focus and playing with a toy, or if they're trying to do something and watching them like lose a battle with a zipper or a pair of shoes,

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just watch what they do in that space that you give them to figure it out on their own.

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I know for me, I'm definitely working on the rescue.

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That's something I need to be better at taking a step back and just letting them solve it.

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But what about you?

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Tell me one thing that you're working on or one thing

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that you found the most impactful and insightful that you want to try to change to.

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And if there's something else that you found that has helped you throughout this journey, let us know in the comments below.

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Thanks for being here.

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We'll see you on the next one.

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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les

Deze video bevat 156 zinnen en 2080 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 9:08. De spreker praat snel, ongeveer 228 woorden per minuut, dus reken op verbonden en ingeslikte klanken. 89% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden, dus de woordenschat is goed te volgen.

Belangrijke woorden in deze video

15 minder gangbare woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:

praise /pɹeɪz/ (werkwoord) — loven, prijzen. To give praise to; to commend, glorify, or worship.
shoe /ˈʃu/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — schoen. A protective covering for the foot, with a bottom part composed of thick leather or plastic sole and often a thicker heel, and a softer upper part made of…
solve /sɒlv/ (werkwoord) — oplossen. To find an answer or solution to a problem or question; to work out.
researcher /ˈɹiˌsɝ.t͡ʃɚ/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — onderzoeker. One who researches.
toddler /ˈtɑdlɚ/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — peuter. A young child (typically between one and three years old) who has started walking but not fully mastered it.
interrupt /ˌɪntəˈɹʌpt/ (werkwoord) — afbreken, onderbreken. To disturb or halt (an ongoing process or action, or the person performing it) by interfering suddenly, especially by speaking.
rescue /ˈɹɛs.kjuː/ (werkwoord) — bevrijden, redden. To save from any violence, danger or evil.
lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — les. A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
habit /ˈhæb.ɪt/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — gewoonte. An action performed on a regular basis.
differently /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/ (bijwoord) — verschillend, anders. In a different way.
disappear /dɪsəˈpɪɹ/ (werkwoord) — verdwijnen, verzwinden. To vanish.
ignore /ɪɡˈnɔː/ (werkwoord) — negeren. To deliberately not listen or pay attention to.
gap /ɡæp/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — reet, spleet. An opening in anything, made by breaking or parting.
trail /tɹeɪl/ (zelfstandig naamwoord) — spoor. The track or indication marking the route followed by something that has passed, such as the footprints of animal on land or the contrail of an airplane in the…
dramatic /dɹəˈmætɪk/ (bijvoeglijk naamwoord) — dramatisch. Of or relating to the drama.

Phrasal verbs die je zult horen

look for (werkwoord) — zoeken. To seek.
end up (werkwoord) — belanden, terechtkomen. To bring to a conclusion.
figure out (werkwoord) — uitvogelen, er achter komen. To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce.
take over (werkwoord) — overnemen. To assume control of something, such as a business or enterprise, and sometimes by force.

Uitspraak om op te letten

De spreker gebruikt 50 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals they're, I'm, don't. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.

De “th”-klanken: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, thumb /ˈθʌm/
De klanken “sh” en “zh”: shoe /ˈʃu/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, frustration /fɹʌsˈtɹeɪ.ʃən/
Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: differently /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/, accidentally /ˌæk.sɪˈdɛnt(ə)li/, unnecessary /ʌnˈnɛs.əˌsɛɹ.i/

Zo oefen je met deze video

Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als praise, shoe, solve.

Grammatica in deze video

De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:

Structuur	In de video
Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding	kid who seems · person who needs · kids who are
Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt	we've done · has had · has helped
Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet	are praised

Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?

Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.

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