Shadowing Practice: Why “Good Parenting” Creates Clingy Kids - Learn English Speaking with Video

It feels like there's an unspoken rule in modern parenting that to be a good mom or dad, you have to be on 24 -7.

The coach, the cheerleader, the referee, and sometimes the playmate.

All day, every single day.

And if you actually pull it off, you become the perfectly engaged parent that's always available.

And you tend to get rewarded with a kid who seems like can't play alone for 30 seconds.

You know the feeling, you finally sit down for an email or a coffee or just to watch your show.

And then within 30 seconds, there's a small person who needs your attention right away

and every parent of a toddler knows it

and it does come with this what feels like quiet guilt

because it feels like the harder you try to be a present parent than the clingier those kids get

and most of the internet will say it's a phase and

that they'll grow out of it

but that's that's not actually what the research says for a lot of us the clinginess isn't a phase

that we're just going to be able to wait out it's a habit

that we end up accidentally training onto our kids and it's not

because we're too involved i think there's plenty of deeply involved parents

that have wildly independent kids but there's four specific things

that feel like the best parenting on earth but

that are quietly teaching our kids one lesson look i've got two boys

and i'm very guilty of doing almost all of these things

if not all four of them

but it's it's i think it's just good to be aware

because once you see them it's hard to unsee

and then you can kind of catch yourself in the act the first thing the interruption the first one happens

when your kid is doing the exact thing that you want

which is just playing they are totally locked in in their own little world.

This psychologist, whose name I'm not going to say, called it flow.

It's when that time disappears when you're just like in deep focus mode.

And with little kids, we see this happen when they're playing, stacking cups, lining up cars, or even just watching a bug for 10 minutes straight.

To them, it's not nothing.

It's really deep work.

What do we do the second we see it as parents?

We tend to commentate.

Wow, look at that big tower or oh, what color is that?

And our heart's the right place because we want to connect with our kids but what actually happens is that focus

disappears it's not that it gets redirected it's just gone

and there's a name for this move too that researchers call intrusiveness

which is basically

when we steer kids play towards what we want instead of what they're actually doing in

that moment in time

and in study after study it tracks towards weaker self -control

as kids get older now you didn't mean to we mean well as parents

but you just taught them that the best part of playing is the moment

that they stop and look at you for attention.

Now, the advice here isn't to ignore your kid.

I think answering them when they reach for it, when they're asking and looking for input is the whole point, but it's when they're specifically locked in that you don't want to interrupt them or teach them to look for that praise.

When they're locked in, let them stay locked in.

Let them keep doing their own thing.

And as hard as it might be, try not to just jump in because unless they give you that invitation, because you want to be responding instead of yanking them out of something good.

Now, the second thing, good job.

Now, this is the one that I'm probably most guilty of because even if I'm good at not interrupting them, the first thing I do when my kids hold up a drawing or show me something that they're proud of,

it's an automatic good job.

And I think a lot of people here in the States, especially, we say it a hundred times a day.

And on this one, the research is pretty clear, actually.

It's not on our side to do that.

And Carol Dweck's team at Stanford ran six separate studies.

Kids that are praised for being smart.

The moment that they hit something hard, they quit faster and enjoyed it less and did worse than kids who are praised for their effort.

And it's not just older kids in a lab.

In one study specifically, researchers recorded parents praising their one to three -year -olds at home.

And the toddlers who heard more effort praise had a healthier relationship with a challenge five years later.

And there's a simple reason for this, because when you praise the result of, you're so smart, what a beautiful painting or good job,

your kids start performing for your reaction instead of their own curiosity.

And the worst part of it is they get scared to do hard things

because failing might cost them that smart badge

and now the fix isn't to stop cheering them on

or telling them good job i think we're all going to

do this parents i think it's to aim towards the process it's not wow you're

so smart but rather it's a you didn't give up on

that one not a beautiful painting but how'd you land on using all

that you're telling them that the thing

that counts is what they did not whether you approved it

or not and now the third one i call this one the house

that says no the third one's a little different

because it's not really got anything to do with what you say

but more of the environment

that your kids are in toddlers learn the world by grabbing

it that's the literal job description they will grab anything and

so if we look at how we build our homes

and how we structure things around babies even after baby proofing there's

so many breakables cords and just a hundred things

that they're not allowed to touch

so you as a parent almost spend the whole day as a human guardrail just trailing them around

and you become what I like to call the department of no. And from down there at their height, all of those no's can add up to one lesson.

They can't take two steps without getting stopped and that they can't trust this place to not break something.

And that's something that they learn and grow with.

Now we've done a lot of videos on Montessori, which I'll link up here.

But.. that world has had an answer for this entire situation and what they call the prepared environment.

And the educator, Janet Lansbury, calls the home version a yes space, where it's one zone or just one corner of the room or even a playroom where every single object is safe.

It's not just a, can I touch this or can I do this?

Your kid knows that anything in that room is fair game.

It sounds like a small thing, but give a kid a place where they can explore without hearing the word no, and you're giving them the autonomy that research keeps finding that

that basically says kids with real safe independence are more capable

and less anxious because they cling less

because the room finally stopped saying no they knew it was safe

and number four another one

that i am just terrible at probably bad at most of these

but number four is the rescue and it's one of the hardest ones

because it bites a real instinct that you have as a parent

100

when your kid is losing a fight with a shoe

101

or it's on the wrong foot or just something

102

that they're trying to overcome you want to step in

103

and fix it and again this is the one

104

that i'm the worst at especially when it comes to shoes

105

because it's faster for us to get out the door

106

if i just put the shoes on and

107

when i do this i'm doing what researchers call be a

108

little bit dramatic of a name learn helplessness though the cleaner

109

science is about self -efficacy a kid's growing sense of i can affect my own world

110

and i can do this on my own is what really matters

111

because we don't want to quietly say

112

that i don't think you can do this or solve this

113

and there's real evidence underneath it

114

because kids have more controlling you know take over parents tend to develop weaker self -regulation

115

and that struggle that we keep interrupting is where

116

that i can do this myself is supposed to learn

117

and grow from as your kids get older my rule of thumb especially

118

when i see my kids hit the wall

119

or struggling with something is to try to wait for at least 30 seconds

120

because that frustration is where

121

that growth is happening it's reps that's what we want them to do

122

and that's what we want them to get more of as they get older.

123

And then when they do finally ask, I think it's also not immediately jumping in to do it for them.

124

I think it's just making comments of, you know, shoes are hard, but just sitting with them in the hard moment

125

and then helping them try it a little bit differently and helping them think about the solution differently, where you can see that growth and you can see them working with it

126

and solving it and just being so proud of themselves that they were actually able to get it done.

127

Now, all four of these come from the safe place.

128

And it's not from a place of not caring as a parent, but it's from caring so much that you don't want to watch your kids struggle, get things wrong, or just be bored.

129

Every one of these habits and things that even I do and that other parents do, I think it comes from a place of love.

130

It's just that it's love kind of pointing in the wrong direction.

131

And that's really hard, especially when your kids are so little

132

and you just want to be there for them to make it easier.

133

But a kid doesn't build confidence by watching us be brilliant at what they think is just really hard.

134

I think they build it in that space that we leave for them to figure out themselves.

135

So if we close those gaps for them, we don't give them a safe space to learn.

136

The answer becomes that they rely on us, right?

137

That's where they get clingy because they're trained and taught

138

and basically told that the job is that we as parents are everything to our kids.

139

And it's not.

140

The job as a parent, which is really hard to sometimes take and strange, almost sad version of it, is

141

that we have to make ourselves a little bit unnecessary to

142

raise somebody who one day doesn't need us hovering three feet behind them.

143

You don't get there by doing more for your kids.

144

You get there by now and then just doing nothing, letting them figure it out until they've got it.

145

So for this week, try to pick one of these

146

that stuck with you the most and loosen your grip just a little bit on it.

147

Whether they're in deep, quiet focus and playing with a toy, or if they're trying to do something and watching them like lose a battle with a zipper or a pair of shoes,

148

just watch what they do in that space that you give them to figure it out on their own.

149

I know for me, I'm definitely working on the rescue.

150

That's something I need to be better at taking a step back and just letting them solve it.

151

But what about you?

152

Tell me one thing that you're working on or one thing

153

that you found the most impactful and insightful that you want to try to change to.

154

And if there's something else that you found that has helped you throughout this journey, let us know in the comments below.

155

Thanks for being here.

156

We'll see you on the next one.

✨ Video Öner

126 cümleler

Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları

Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 156 cümle ve 2080 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 9:08 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 228 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %89’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay.

Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler

Videodan daha az kullanılan 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:

praise /pɹeɪz/ (fiil) — övmek, methetmek. To give praise to; to commend, glorify, or worship.
shoe /ˈʃu/ (isim) — kundura, ayakkabı. A protective covering for the foot, with a bottom part composed of thick leather or plastic sole and often a thicker heel, and a softer upper part made of…
solve /sɒlv/ (fiil) — çözmek, halletmek. To find an answer or solution to a problem or question; to work out.
researcher /ˈɹiˌsɝ.t͡ʃɚ/ (isim) — araştırmacı, araştırıcı. One who researches.
interrupt /ˌɪntəˈɹʌpt/ (fiil) — kesilmek, kesmek. To disturb or halt (an ongoing process or action, or the person performing it) by interfering suddenly, especially by speaking.
rescue /ˈɹɛs.kjuː/ (fiil) — kurtarmak. To save from any violence, danger or evil.
lesson /ˈlɛs.ən/ (isim) — ders, çimke. A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided.
habit /ˈhæb.ɪt/ (isim) — alışkanlık, adet. An action performed on a regular basis.
disappear /dɪsəˈpɪɹ/ (fiil) — gözden kaybolmak, yok olmak. To vanish.
ignore /ɪɡˈnɔː/ (fiil) — görmezden gelmek. To deliberately not listen or pay attention to.
gap /ɡæp/ (isim) — ara. An opening in anything, made by breaking or parting.
trail /tɹeɪl/ (isim) — iz, çığır. The track or indication marking the route followed by something that has passed, such as the footprints of animal on land or the contrail of an airplane in the…
dramatic /dɹəˈmætɪk/ (sıfat) — dramatik. Of or relating to the drama.
regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/ (isim) — regülasyon. The act of regulating or the condition of being regulated.
automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/ (sıfat) — otomatik. Capable of operating without external control or intervention.

Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller

look at (fiil) — bakmak. To observe or watch.
look for (fiil) — aramak. To seek.
figure out (fiil) — açığa çıkarmak. To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce.
line up /laɪnˈʌp/ (fiil) — sıraya sokmak. To align; to put in alignment; to put in correct adjustment for smooth running.
step in (fiil) — araya girmek, müdahale etmek. To act as a replacement or substitute.

Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar

Konuşmacı they're, I'm, don't gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 50 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.

“th” sesleri: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, thumb /ˈθʌm/
“sh” ve “zh” sesleri: shoe /ˈʃu/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃən/, anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, frustration /fɹʌsˈtɹeɪ.ʃən/
Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: differently /ˈdɪf.ə.ɹənt.li/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, automatic /ˌɔː.təˈmæt.ɪk/, accidentally /ˌæk.sɪˈdɛnt(ə)li/, unnecessary /ʌnˈnɛs.əˌsɛɹ.i/

Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır

Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; praise, shoe, solve gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.

Bu videodaki dil bilgisi

Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:

Yapı	Videoda
İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi	kid who seems · person who needs · kids who are
Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem	we've done · has had · has helped
Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli	are praised

Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?

Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.

Shadowing tekniği: adım adım eksiksiz rehberi okuyun →

Shadowing Practice: Why “Good Parenting” Creates Clingy Kids - Learn English Speaking with Video

Child Not Listening? Stop Yelling. Do This Instead

How Cell Phones Impact Our Relationships

What Old Fashioned Moms Understood About Parenting That We Forgot

How Advertising Rewires Kids' Brains

Hit peak performance with the power of habit | Wendy Wood

Setting boundaries with your parents

ADHD Focus Skills That Actually Work| Things I learned in Therapy

Why Teenagers Are So Embarrassing | Jim Gaffigan

Why Doing Household Chores Will Make Kids Smarter! (Household Chore For Kids)

Why You Snap at Small Things (It’s Not Your Fault)

نحوه رفتار با پارتنر اجتنابی

A Helpful Guide for Decluttering Toys