Shadowing Practice: All Parents Should See This | Michael McIntyre Stand Up Comedy - Learn English Speaking with Video
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438 sentences
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And there are people in this room who do have children, and there are people in this room who don't have children.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the people who don't have children, they think they know, don't they?
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They think they know what it means to have children.
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Sometimes they chat about it, don't they, in their little couples, you know?
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Oh, I'd love to start a family one day with you, it'd be lovely.
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You'd make a really good dad.
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I think you'd be an amazing mum.
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Wouldn't it be so lovely having little versions of you and me running around?
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I'd love to have a family and you think you know what you're talking about.
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You have no idea!
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You have no idea what it's like.
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You have no idea how difficult things will become in your life.
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Things that you don't even consider to be things will become nearly impossible when you have children.
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I'm talking about things like leaving the house, for example.
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This is how people without children leave the house.
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Shall we leave the house?
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Yes.
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LAUGHTER This is how I leave the house almost every day.
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Lucas!
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Oscar!
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Come downstairs!
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We're late!
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Why aren't you downstairs?
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Put your shoes on.
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I don't know where my shoes are!
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Put your shoes on.
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Go and find your shoes.
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Where did you see them last?
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On my feet.
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LAUGHTER After that, get your shoes on.
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Come here, come here.
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Arms up, arms up, arms in, arms in, arms up, arms up, arms in.
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That's my wife.
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She's so tired, she can't dress herself.
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What?
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I'm doing rot on you, darling.
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Where are we going?
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I want to go to bed.
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Where are we going, darling?
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Darling, you've got Lucas's shoes on your hands.
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I found your shoes, darling.
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You put your shoes on.
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Where's Aussie?
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Come downstairs!
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We're late!
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Put your coat on.
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I don't want to wear my coat.
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You know people without children, you know how you do zips-up?
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I've seen how much time you have in your lives.
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How you focus on it.
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Forget the one with the fabric.
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You just pop it in, don't you?
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It nestles in.
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Then you pause, thinking about your free life and what you might need to do later that day.
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And then you just glide up, don't you?
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To think I have time for that shit in my life.
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Every single morning.
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Yeah!
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Oh, I've ruined it!
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I've ruined it!
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Stay still!
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You're going to have to put another coat on.
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I've ruined this here.
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I've ruined this here.
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I'm sorry, I've made the situation where...
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My three-year-old will never come downstairs.
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The only way to get him to leave the house is we have to bluff.
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We have to pretend that we're leaving without him.
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It's the only way it'll work.
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We have to all go, Bye-bye, Ozzy.
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We're all going then.
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My other son loves it, the six-year-old.
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We're leaving Ozzy.
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He's going to stay here.
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Don't be so rude about your brother.
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Say goodbye.
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We're not really leaving.
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We're pretending to leave.
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Say goodbye.
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Bye-bye.
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Bye-bye, Ozzy.
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Bye-bye.
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But he doesn't care.
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He just goes, Bye-bye.
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Then we have to come back in and explain to him, we're not really leaving, darling, we love you, it's okay.
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I'll buy you something if you come.
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Will you come if I buy you something?
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This is every single time we leave the house.
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The other day we're leaving the house and I just had an offer.
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I just said to my wife, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
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We're bluffing, we're saying bye-bye to him.
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Then my wife says, let's go and get him.
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I'm like, stop, no, I've had it.
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No, stop.
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I cannot go through this every single time we leave the house.
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It's driving me insane.
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Okay, I say we call his bluff.
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I think he has to learn a lesson.
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Okay?
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Let's go.
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Let's just go.
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Let's go to Corfu.
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Let's have a nice holiday.
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You have no idea what it's like.
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You childless people.
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You have no idea.
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Driving.
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You go driving.
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You're driving cars, don't you?
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Driving along.
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Yay!
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What's the biggest drama you have to put up with?
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Oh, it's a bit chilly.
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Oh, put the blower on.
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Oh, that's nice now.
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Oh, look, they've opened a new Carluccio.
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We should go there.
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We could go there any night.
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We could go there any night.
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Oh, what's this song?
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I love this one.
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Freedom!
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Freedom!
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I strap my children into the car.
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I work out what'll cut off the blood supply, then I ease it a bit.
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Stay there!
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We try and behave normally.
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Oh, what's this song?
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It's the wheels on the bus.
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Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
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Again, again!
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Look, there's a new Carluccio there.
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We will never go there.
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I was checking my children in the rearview mirror to see that they're safe.
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We're on the motorway, okay?
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You just angle it to check that they're both okay, because, you know, you're looking after them.
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Neither of them were there.
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They had both wound the windows down and had their heads on the motorway out of the window.
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Yay!
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Both of them, either side.
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Yay!
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My boyfriend just lost it.
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Get in the car!
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They can't hear us.
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They're having the times of their lives.
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Yeah!
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I can't hear you!
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What are you saying, Daddy?
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On the motorway, going 80 miles an hour, I had to stick my head out of my window to try and communicate with my child.
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Get in the car!
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What are you saying?
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My wife's doing it too.
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Get in the car!
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What is it, Mummy?
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But all four of us had our heads out of the window.
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Meanwhile, a childless couple is driving past.
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Aw, look at the kids, I'd love to start a family one day.
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You have no idea what you're talking about!
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Sleeping...
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..sleeping at night!
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This is how people without children, yeah, most nights, yeah.
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Good night, darling, good night.
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Sometimes you go, sleep well, and the other one goes, I will.
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That's how cocky, how arrogant you are.
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I will, I know I will.
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Good night, darling, have a good sleep.
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Good night.
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It's been a long time since my wife and I said good night to each other, OK?
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Now we just go, good luck.
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All through the night, they're screaming, Daddy, darling, that robbie, robbie!
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Sometimes they just wake up wide awake in the middle of the night.
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I'm asleep, it's like 2 o'clock in the morning.
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You know, sometimes you don't realise it, but you sort of half open your eyes.
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Sometimes you're in your sleep, I half open my eyes.
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My son is in my face.
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No, no, no!
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What the hell are you doing here?
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What time is it?
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What time is it?
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2 o'clock in the morning, what do you want?
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I want to go to school.
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Go to school?
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What are you talking about?
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It's to go back to bed.
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I've got my shoes on.
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You do, you found your shoes.
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I fixed my jacket.
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How the hell did you...
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What are you doing?
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It's 2 o'clock in the morning, you idiot!
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Go to bed!
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Where's Ozzy?
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He's by the front door.
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He's never been there in his life!
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It's 2 in the morning!
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I have no idea.
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I have children, I have two children, and night-night is simply not part of the putting to bed routine.
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Alright?
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I'm nowhere near night-night when I put my children to bed.
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This is an unrealistic interpretation of bedtime with children.
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I start angry.
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I don't build to anger anymore.
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I used to build.
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Now I start with five minutes over in bed.
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Don't you mess with me tonight.
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Five minutes.
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I'll be back here in five minutes on the dot.
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Then you're going to bed.
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That's just getting them into bed.
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Then it just carries on.
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Go to sleep.
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Don't you mess with...
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Go to...close your...you have to remind them how it works.
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Close your eyes.. and go to sleep.
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I have no idea how exhausted I am and your mother is because of this.
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Go to sleep.
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You selfish...selfish little shit.
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Close your eyes and go to sleep!
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Enough is enough!
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Do you know that your mother and I haven't had sex in weeks because of this?
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Do you know that sometimes she says to me in the afternoon, oh, maybe tonight, Michael, you'll get lucky when the kids are asleep.
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You're never asleep!
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Go to sleep!
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Night-night.
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That's pretty much how it goes.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Don't get me wrong, night-night is part of it.
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It's just when they're already asleep.
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You never love your children more than when they're unconscious but still breathing.
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It's a lovely moment.
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Look at my little man.
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Oh, night-night, darling.
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Daddy's little soldier.
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Oh, Daddy loves you.
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Darling, look what we did.
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Oh, look what we made.
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Oh, isn't he lovely?
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Night-night.
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I'm still awake, come on, I'll sleep!
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This is how you raise children.
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It's basically...
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If you have children, you'll know this.
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If you have been a child, I'm sure you can remember.
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It's threats.
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Threats of death is the only way you can get children to do things.
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Put your coat on.
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I don't want to put my coat on.
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If you don't put your coat on, you'll get pneumonia and die.
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Sorry, Daddy.
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Hold Daddy's hand.
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I don't want to hold your hand.
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If you don't hold my hand, a car will hit you and you will die.
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Brush your teeth.
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I don't want to brush my teeth.
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If you don't brush your teeth, they'll rot and fall out.
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You won't be able to eat and you will die.
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Go to bed.
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I don't want to go to bed.
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If you don't go to bed, I will personally kill you.
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I've got a plan and an alibi.
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APPLAUSE Family people in tonight, who's got children?
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Round of applause, you've got children?
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CHEERING There are basics that you have to do every single day when raising children, and these are feeding them.
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You have to feed them.
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This is probably news to nobody.
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You have to feed them.
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You have to dress them.
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You have to wash them, and you have to put them to bed.
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You have to do these four things every single day.
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Now, every single day, each one of these things is a battle.
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They are reluctant to do these things, and you are forced every day to compromise on each of them.
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I don't know why they resist these basic things.
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Every day is a battle.
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Just getting dressed.
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They will not get dressed.
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Put your clothes on.
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Put your pants on.
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They refuse to wear pants.
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I don't like pants.
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They're uncomfortable.
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I don't like pants.
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Put your jumper on.
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I'm boiling.
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I'm boiling.
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They're always boiling.
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I'm boiling!
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Yes, that's because I've heated the inside of the house, but what I haven't done is heated the rest of the world!
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So you will need it when you get outside.
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Can I just take it?
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So you just compromise, all right.
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Fine!
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Just take it.
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Do your laces.
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Can I do it in the car?
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Fine!
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In the car!
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Where's your bag?
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Where's your other shoe?
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And they spring things on you at the last minute.
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The other day we're going to school, we're nearly out the door.
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My son's not quite well, actually.
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He's got his pants on, he's even got his jumper on, he's holding his coat, he's got his bag.
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We're nearly out the door, he just looks at me and goes, Dad, it's Roman Day.
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LAUGHTER What's Roman Day?
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Everybody has to go to school today dressed as something from the Roman Empire.
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LAUGHTER I suppose it's all in six minutes.
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What exactly did you expect me to do at this point?
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Oh, yes, when I was nine, I was a centurion.
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I think I still have my armour here in the cupboard.
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LAUGHTER Let's not drive this morning.
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I've been hiding a horse and chariot in the garage.
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will arrive in style.
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Feeding.
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They will eat.
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Children will eat.
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They will eat rubbish.
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They'll eat garbage, OK?
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They'll eat chocolate and sweets and ice cream till they're sick.
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What they won't eat is things that are good for them.
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Every day we try to get them to eat vegetables, fruit, things that are good for them.
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We aim very high, my wife and I, every single meal time.
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All right, tonight, there will be no ice cream, children, unless you have all your peas, all your broccoli and all your carrots.
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But dad, please, it's disgusting.
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Please don't make me eat that, please, it's just disgusting.
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Please, dad, you can't force us.
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You can't force us.
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It's disgusting.
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All right?
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Fine!
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I just want you to eat one carrot, five peas, and this floret of broccoli.
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But dad, it's disgusting.
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Please don't make me eat that, please.
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You can't force me.
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I hate it.
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I hate it!
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I'm fine!
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Just stick out your tongue and let me wipe the broccoli across your face.
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And then can I have ice cream?
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Yes!
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Washing every day, run the bath, get in the bath, have you washed...
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Have you brushed your teeth?
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They lie to you.
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They lie to my face every single day.
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Have you brushed your teeth?
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Yes.
345
OK, then breathe on me.
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I have to get this jet of disgusting...
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You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?
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No, I haven't, Daddy.
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I haven't done it anymore.
350
Why didn't you say that?!
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The laziness.
352
Oh, and flush the...
353
You know...
354
Before I had children, I used to dream about what it was like.
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My wife and I would discuss it.
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I can't wait to have children.
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It's going to be amazing.
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You'll be such an amazing mum.
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I used to dream of idyllic, rosy-cheeked, beautiful children in dungarees, running in fields, picking flowers.
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Can we have our picnic now?
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Can we have our picnic?
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How did that fantasy become me, almost on a nightly basis, standing over the toilet, going, whose poo is this?
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Lucas, is that your poo?
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He puts on this whole facade, he actually comes over and looks in the...
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No, that's not my poo.
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So, Ozzy, it's your poo.
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Dad, that is definitely not my poop.
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Darling, don't you even!
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Hair wash night.
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I don't know how much you're supposed to wash your children's hair, but I've got it down to about once a fortnight now because of the drama.
371
Hair wash night!
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No, Daddy, please!
373
Can we do it tomorrow?
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Daddy, no, we'll do it tomorrow!
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We'll do it tomorrow!
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It's going to go on!
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It's going to be a little worse!
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Put your head back.
379
You have to hold the flannel.
380
They shake it a bit.
381
It's in your eyes!
382
It's in your eyes!
383
It's in your eyes!
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It's in your eyes!
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God forbid the shampoo actually goes a little bit in their eyes.
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AHHHHH!
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AHHHHH!
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I'm in a towel!
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I'm in a towel!
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Oww!
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Oww!
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Oww!
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Oww!
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Why would you do that to me?
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For God's sake, I'm just trying to wash your hair.
396
Bedtime, oh, bedtime, it's bedtime, go to bed.
397
Can I have a story?
398
Can I have a story?
399
The last thing you want to do at the end of a day of battles is read a nonsense, stupid story.
400
I don't know if you do this, but I will scan the bookshelf for the shortest book that we own.
401
My son's always like, can we read The Hobbit?
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No!
403
I thought we could read this leaflet that came through the dog.
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It's for a local pizzeria.
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You see there's a deal on.
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Now, good night.
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Daddy loves it.
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This is what it is like.
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It is a battle.
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It is a daily battle every single day to do the basics.
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There isn't a child on Earth who has ever not battled these things.
412
There's no kid in the history of children who's ever just gone, Mum, Dad, listen, I'm exhausted tonight.
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I'm just gonna head up to bed, I think.
414
I managed to squeeze a shower in earlier, Mum, while you were cooking that amazing dinner.
415
I don't know what you did with the broccoli.
416
Was it something different?
417
Because to me, it could have been a meal all unto itself.
418
It might be different.
419
I didn't tell you guys it was Roman Day tomorrow, because I wanted to surprise you with the outfit that I've made.
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You're gonna love it.
421
I'll see you by the door at about 5 to 8 in my shoes and pants, and I'm gonna wear my coat, because you never know.
422
I mean, it is quite chilly out.
423
Oh, and...
424
Minty for Ash.
425
Well, that's never going to happen.
426
It's because I'm getting older, you see.
427
My wife and I were the same age.
428
Little things have started changing.
429
For years, everything was the same, everything was the same, but now we can feel it creeping in.
430
It's not exactly old age, but little differences.
431
For example, we can't stay up at night.
432
We pass out.
433
Every single...
434
About 9.30 is a late one for us.
435
We get so tired.
436
You know when you click on the Netflix thing and it goes, Boom!
437
That's the sound of my wife and I's head hitting the pillow and passing over.
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I can't get any on it!
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This B1 speaking lesson is built on the video “All Parents Should See This”. This video has 438 sentences and 2960 words to shadow. The speech runs for 17:08. The speaker talks at a natural 173 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 84% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
The 15 most advanced words in the video, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| shoe noun | /ˈʃu/ | A protective covering for the foot, with a bottom part composed of thick leather or plastic sole and often a thicker heel, and a softer upper part made of… |
| darling noun | /ˈdɑɹlɪŋ/ | Often used as an affectionate term of address: a person who is very dear to one. |
| brush noun | /bɹʌʃ/ | An implement consisting of multiple more or less flexible bristles or other filaments attached to a handle, used for any of various purposes including… |
| laughter noun | /ˈlæftɚ/ | The sound of laughing, produced by air so expelled; any similar sound. |
| disgusting adjective | /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/ | Causing disgust; repulsive; distasteful. |
| broccoli noun | /ˈbɹɑ.kə.li/ | A plant, Brassica oleracea var. italica, of the cabbage family, Brassicaceae; especially, the tree-shaped flower and stalk that are eaten as a vegetable. |
| bedtime noun | /ˈbɛdtaɪm/ | The time or hour at which one retires to bed in order to sleep. |
| downstairs adverb | /daʊnˈstɛɹz/ | Down the stairs. |
| boil verb | /bɔɪ(ə)l/ | To heat to the point where it begins to turn into a gas. |
| applause noun | /əˈplɔːz/ | The act of applauding; approbation and praise publicly expressed by the clapping of hands, stamping or tapping of the feet, acclamation, huzzas, or other… |
| ruin noun | /ˈɹuː.ɪn/ | The remains of a destroyed or dilapidated construction, such as a house or castle. |
| motorway noun | /ˈməʊtəweɪ/ | A highway with grade-separated crossings (rather than level crossings) and designed (and only permitted) for high-speed motor-traffic (in Europe motor vehicles… |
| bluff noun | /blʌf/ | An act of bluffing; a false expression of the strength of one’s position in order to intimidate or deceive; braggadocio. |
| cheer verb | /t͡ʃɪɹ/ | To gladden; to make cheerful; often with up. |
| childless adjective | Not having any children. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| come over verb | To affect in a sudden, unprecedented or surprising manner; to overwhelm a person's ordinarily contrary impulse. | |
| come through verb | To come into a room or other space through a door or passageway. | |
| cut off verb | /ˌkʌt ˈɔf/ [ˌkɐɾ ˈɔf] | To remove by cutting. |
| fall out verb | To come out of something by falling. | |
| go back to verb | To stem from; to originate in. | |
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. | |
| pass out verb | To faint; to become unconscious. | |
| pass over verb | To bypass or disregard in favour of someone or something else. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- You just pop it in, don't you?
- You're driving cars, don't you?
- Round of applause, you've got children?
- You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?
- Why didn't you say that?!
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | If you have children, you'll know · If you don't brush your teeth, they'll rot |
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to build · used to dream |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've seen · I've ruined · I've made |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | are forced · is heated · is read |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 151 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, I'm, we're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: shoe /ˈʃu/, brush /bɹʌʃ/, selfish /ˈsɛlf.ɪʃ/, bookshelf /ˈbʊkˌʃɛlf/, shampoo /ʃæmˈpuː/
- Long words — get the stress right: centurion /sɛnˈtjʊɹ.i.ən/, pizzeria /ˌpiːt.səˈɹiː.ə/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, interpretation /ɪnˌtɜːpɹəˈteɪʃən/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like shoe, darling, brush.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.