Shadowing Practice: How to Cope as a Useless Lonely Rat // EP 108 - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Right, hello everybody.

Hello, hello, hello.

Is this thing on?

Testing, testing.

Greetings, loved ones.

It's me.

This week we have a bit of a show and tell episode and I'm really excited to get into this.

Okay, so let's just jump straight in.

Fuck, I can't wait.

I can't wait.

You'll notice that the title of this episode, since I already know what I'm going to title it because I came up with it as the genius that I am, is how to cope as a useless, lonely rat.

Well, I would consider myself significantly useless and lonely and rat-like.

So the rat thing, by the way, is not an insult.

Like, I love rodents.

If you guys don't know this about me, I fucking love rodents.

I've had over the span of my life,

at least like 25 rodents in my love care like I've had well are rabbits rodents yes are rats rodents

or vermin google are rats rodents or vermin are rats rodents

or vermin rats are both oh fuck tough cut I mean

rough luck rats are both rats describes their biological classification of mammals with continuously growing incisors ew

while vermin is a functional label for nuisance animals that damage property or spread disease

so they're not vermin to me fine

so I'm never using the word vermin again unless it's potentially for myself kind of like

that actually vermin anyway rats aren't vermin that's just nasty

that is just unfair although to be fair yeah I do get it

if I was like a restaurant owner I might use

that term for them for me it's a pleasure to see

a rat do I want it to touch me especially in New York?

No, but I like looking.

Anyway, I've had so many rodents.

Are rabbits, rabbits, rodents or vermin?

Oh, they belong to a separate mammalian order called Lagomartha.

Okay, never heard that.

Which includes hares and pikas.

Oh, Pikachu.

While they chew and gnaw like rodents, they have distinct physical and bio...

Okay, why aren't they rodents?

Teeth.

They have two teeth.

rabbits have four teeth okay diets they're herbivores

so what do rats eat that's gross i don't want to

know scientists named them scientists grouped them with rodents until 1912

okay so until 1912 they were rodents i don't really care

so anyway moving swiftly on maybe i've had like 10 to 15 rodents in my care

and some lagomorpha on the side up to 10 lagomorpha

me and my mum make each other really a lot worse we both have some kind of sick

and twisted addiction to small animals but

and our house did stink growing up before you ask it reeked

and so did my room at uni

because i did have a mouse illegally in there the whole time

and he fucking kicked i loved him his name was lion rest in peace he was

so cool anyway you guys never really got to know him

but he was awesome anyway so why was i mentioning any of

that i have no real idea but oh oh

because I'm a useless rat so I and by the way

when I say I'm a useless rat see why do I

feel the need to use rat derogatorily I feel bad like guys please they're my friends okay

so I'm useless

and rat like complimentary it's just like I felt like I

needed to throw in a compliment at the end of the sentence redeeming feature

if you will so useless I have ADHD

but I'm also useless they are distinct I feel

because I kind of know

when it's like me versus like oh this is maybe I'm being harsh on myself

but like I can be medicated and still be useless

and that's how I know like come on bitch like I

can I can lock in for 15 I'm not kidding on

Saturday last weekend I locked in for I think eight

or nine hours consecutively like mind you I ate dinner didn't stop what I was doing

on rummy cup which I'm gonna talk

or rummy cube cube I rummy cube rummy cub rummy cube I don't know I'm gonna talk about

that later genuinely but when I say I'm useless I do mean it like quite seriously

and today I was having one of those days where it's like I have things to do

and I do not want to fucking do them

but it's also like I just can't like there's something in me

that is so like I can't start that I can't do anything

and so I first of all I woke up late today

because my sleep schedule has never been worse like I am genuinely losing my fucking mind

but I've just been letting it slide because I'm going to LA tomorrow

and so it's like it's gonna get fucked up anyway

when I get back oh I'm locking in I don't know what I'm gonna do to fix it

but like it's anyway no one cares

so useless rat like I said I was having one of

those days this morning the other day I went to Staples

oh wait do you guys like the new set sorry I didn't even address the fact

that we're in a whole new location i hope you guys

are feeling comfy i'm trying i'm trying out the kitchen table i don't think it's good right now

because the light is coming through just one it's not hitting my face right

and i didn't put up a studio lights a whole thing

let me know by the way this table just a little bit off topic

but because i i just like to lead by example this table i bought

and it took like i loved it when i bought it

but it wasn't cheap okay this table's beautiful and expensive like it's both

and so I'm not even gonna pretend like I got a fucking good deal on it I did not

and I bought it

because I had seen I had seen it online I'd been

shopping for a table then I went to this lovely establishment

and saw and like an identical one

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and I was like I said to the girls I was with this do you guys fuck with

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that table they were like yeah it's beautiful I was like cool bought it

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because I was on the fence in the four weeks it

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took to be delivered I was like I've made the biggest

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mistake like it's not gonna fit nicely in the space I don't even know

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if I want a table fucking I have this counter

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and a stool

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which is plenty I'm being greedy I was like it's the

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wrong aesthetic it's ugly it's awful I was even thinking how am I gonna get rid of it it arrived

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and I had been out

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that evening drinking I got home drunk my assistant had handed delivery

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and so it was just in my house when I got back my apartment

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my flat if you will and I was like oh my like it's worse than I thought

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fucked around with it while I was drunk

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and then I was like I'm just gonna give up

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and go to bed and look at this

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when I have fresh eyes woke up with fresh eyes

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and I was like it's awful like it doesn't look good

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cleaned my apartment messed around with the table put in a new spot pulled up a chair

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and I was like oh my god it's beautiful why did

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I ever think it wasn't took a picture put it on

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my Instagram story asked for the opinions of the good people on Instagram

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and when I tell you I've never not seen at least one person.

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Like, there wasn't one person that I saw who wasn't fucking with the table.

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Everyone fucked with the table.

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They were everyone.

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It was insane.

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The most insane experience ever.

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I was like, oh my God, I'm a genuinely, I'm a genius.

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Anyway, this table was really expensive.

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And one day it will feed my children.

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It will feed my children, I think.

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Because it's gorge.

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I love this fucking table.

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I love it.

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Anyway.

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oh do you guys like my new cup flexing brewing a little cup of rooibos tea

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because i've recently learned that's decaffeinated

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which i need to decrease my intake of caffeine it is going to kill me

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so also got this lovely lamp

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so anyway like i said i'm useless anyway i'm gonna restart the useless well kind of anyway so

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so the other day i went to staples now let's talk

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about notebooks for just a sec this is my journal okay

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and i go through these probably one every two to three months

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and I always buy the same one it's I can't remember the fucking size it's like the medium

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or the one that's less than medium from moleskin but it's not the smallest one I'm obsessed with them

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they are perfect to me always hardback always this size almost always this color

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and I mostly just stick to this now because I've done already

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so many of these ones that I'm like it looks

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so nice when I put them all together

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and see how many of the same thing that I've used I don't know anyway

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went to staples got this this is maybe like 20 something dollars i don't actually know

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but something like that i always forget even though i've bought

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so fucking many of them this one i think three dollars from staples now

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if you'll just observe the closeness in the blues if

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that is not be you may be able to argue with me on it

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but i if you want to just don't think about

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that how about don't i think they pretty much match the

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way a notebook looks whilst it's laid about in my apartment is very important to whether

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or not I am going to make use of it.

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If it looks ugly on my counter, it's never going to be open.

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Like that's as simple as it is.

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When it comes to like work and life, I write so many things down on sticky notes, on scrap paper, on whatever I can find.

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To-do lists, everything.

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And I love a to-do list and I love a physically written out to-do list.

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Otherwise it doesn't satisfy me when things get checked off, which then therefore there's no point doing anything or being alive.

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So I was like, what if I got a notebook, a small one, and it was for my to-do lists and

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that way I have an archive at the end of it

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of all of my to-do lists to join the accumulation of useless personal data that I gather relentlessly.

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How fun.

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Things like that motivate me to actually have to-do lists

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and also to check them off

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because this will not be a pleasing thing to keep

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if all of my to-do lists are incomplete

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so they all need to have a line through them ideally at some point

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and then I have these on the inside these little oh

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let me cover this stuff up then on the inside I

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have these little green tabs that's going to be used as a bookmark for

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when I get a bit thicker into the book so

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that I can still find where I am on what page otherwise it would get real confusing.

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So anyway that's my new little system that I'm very excited about

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and how pretty and how cute is this and it can fit in my bag if I want to.

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So that's how I've been dealing with being slightly less useless now.

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I've actually come up with a series of relatively decent systems that have made me ever so slightly less useless lately.

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Now I want to emphasize to you The extent of my uselessness is truly inspirational, I fear.

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Like, it is insane how little it takes to overwhelm me to the point of full body fucking paralysis.

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Like, and I have the utmost awareness that I have absolutely nothing to complain about in this department.

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I have one of, like, the best jobs, arguably, in the world, I think.

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Now, obviously, that depends on what you enjoy doing.

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Therefore, it's going to affect your happiness rate.

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Like there's people who this would be the worst job ever for.

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But in regards to how much free time I get, where I get to work from and how much I get paid for doing what I do, I would argue probably best job ever.

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Right.

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So the fact that I still am like, I don't want to do it is like, OK, you know, that one tweet where someone's like, damn, you bitches really can't do anything.

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And it's in response to someone tweeting about ADHD.

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That couldn't be more about me.

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I'm bitches.

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I really am.

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And I have no patience for it anymore.

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And so I have been slowly trying to implement little tiny routines in my day that help me not be useless.

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now this morning I woke up useless some days I wake up not useless

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and it's magical

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and I do everything other days I just wake up completely fucking useless today was one of those days namely

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because I slept through all my alarms

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because I slept with earplugs in last night

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because they were drilling into like the fucking sewers outside my bedroom window

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so I couldn't even hear my alarm this morning I woke up at like 11 a.m insane anyway

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and I was just I overslept I was feeling useless

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and I was like the fucking day's already gone

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and I I can't do anything I just couldn't get my

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brain to work could not get my brain to fucking work

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and then I was like I feel gross like I feel disgusting

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that I'm not doing anything I've spoken about this before how

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when you have ADHD or we're not anyone

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and you have things to do

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and you're fucking procrastinating you're just not doing what you should be doing

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that is stressful that time off the time of doing nothing that's not the same as relaxing

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that is worse than doing the thing you need to be doing

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and yet you still end up in that state and

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that issue has plagued me my whole life I think

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or at least since I was maybe like 13

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so I'm gonna show I'm gonna show you something vulnerable okay please don't laugh thank you I became aware

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that the idea of having big structure in my life is something that I personally cannot implement immediately, right?

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Like I can't implement a super strict routine nine to five.

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I don't have a nine to five job.

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I work from home most days.

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So I became aware that my mornings are really important to how the rest of my day goes.

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I don't think that I am alone in that, right?

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And I like to assume that I am not completely useless.

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But that assumption is actually incorrect and incomplete.

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I am more useless than I give myself credit for, as in I give myself too much credit sometimes what I mean by

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that is I can accomplish big things

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but I think I never what I'm saying is I didn't

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notice how the smallest parts of my day can fuck up the bigger parts of my day does

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that make sense so one thing I noticed is that I don't have a morning routine.

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Never have had a morning routine.

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I just know the things I need to get done in the morning and do them somehow.

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Like I just, they just, obviously they get done.

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I don't really forget to do things, but like I don't have a morning routine.

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And I was like, what if I had a morning routine

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that was step by step the things I need to do and I always do them in that order, would that help?

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So I made the dumbest morning routine ever and it changed my life

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and it's bent right now because my shower steam

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but I pinned this above my bathroom mirror I pin this

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to my bathroom mirror like stuck it to the mirror I'm

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gonna put in a picture of what this routine is

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and you guys please don't laugh at me I'm gonna read it to you also okay

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so morning wake up that's the first thing on the routine perfect assuming that that is complete I then pee.

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I'm not kidding.

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This is the shit I have to actively write down for myself.

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Pee, brush teeth, and then shower.

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You'll notice shower is off to the side.

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That's because I don't shower every morning because I kind of sometimes shower in the morning and at night.

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Other times, if I've showered at night, I don't always shower in the morning.

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And then I just kind of like feel it out.

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Like, I don't always jump in the shower first thing in the morning.

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Sue me.

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Whether or not I've showered, I then rinse my face.

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I've stopped washing my face in the morning because my dermatologist told me to stop and my skin has got better.

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Rinse face, then put my contacts in.

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Serum, moisturiser, sunscreen.

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Then I go into the kitchen.

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I pour water into a cup.

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Take my meds.

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Kettle on, which I fill before I go to bed most nights.

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Make my tea.

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I didn't write that down.

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I just know it.

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Prepare breakfast.

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Eat.

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and then I have phone access allowed after this point.

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I abide by that occasionally.

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And then off to the side, I have Shakti mat.

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Something I'm trying to add into my morning routines more often

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is to lay on my Shakti mat for 15 minutes in the morning.

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I haven't really been doing this because I haven't been feeling like I need to.

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I'm also do it in the evenings to help me chill the fuck out or in the middle of the day.

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It resets me.

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Yeah.

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So obviously that is the most basic morning routine ever.

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But when you stand in the mirror for the first five minutes of being awake that day,

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and there is someone, some other version of you that was more capable than you are in the morning, immediately after waking up, who is telling you,

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go pee and then rinse your face and then put your contacts in.

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Otherwise, you're going to get water in your contacts.

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These are the things that change your life, people.

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I'm not kidding.

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Like, and it's so soothing because you have to parent yourself as you grow up, right?

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Like you have to do the things that your mom told you to do.

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And that was a horrible and harrowing realization.

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It's like, even if it sounds like, oh my God, that's the dumbest morning routine ever.

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I can't believe you need that.

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Fair, completely fair assessment of that.

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I do need that.

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That is actually the level at which I function.

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I need handholding.

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the good part about that is is I'm capable of holding my own hand it's just

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that various different versions of me hold my own hand for

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different versions does this make sense does this make sense anyway

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that really helped

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that little bit of structure now I know what I'm doing

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for the first 25 minutes of my day fuck knows what comes after that

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but at least the first bit of my morning is not

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filled with like trying to make a decision the other things I've been doing

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if this is of interest to anyone is timers on my

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phone go in the clock app onto the timer thing

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when there is something I really don't want to fucking do

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and I've been struggling to get it done 10 minutes you just have to sit down

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and do it for 10 minutes

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when the timer goes off you can stop usually by the

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end of those 10 minutes I'm good to keep going

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and I'll set a timer for 30 minutes

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and I'll do it until those 30 minutes are up maybe then I'll keep going

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but like to set a timer for 10 minutes surely you

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can do it for 10 fucking minutes the other thing i've

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been saying to myself lately is can you not handle discomfort like looking at myself harshly

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and being like oh you don't want to do it i

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understand can you not handle the discomfort of doing it the way

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that gets me off my fucking ass because it no key it is

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that simple now to address the underlying issue of like why

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do i constantly feel like i'm not capable of doing the

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things i need to do is a whole separate conversation

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but for the time being until i can figure that out and until i can

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fix whatever the fuck needs fixing in

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that realm the question of can you really not handle the discomfort of even trying even

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if you fail even if you sit at that project

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and stare at it for 10 minutes and then the timer goes off

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and you go back to the couch like fuck just do it for 10 minutes try

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and like that is something i've been holding myself to lately

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and it's really been helping the other thing

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that i have to tell you guys about is the loneliness aspect of being a useless lonely rat

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so i'm so lonely guys i'm

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so lonely now i love to be alone we all know this about me pretty lonesome and whatnot

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but for the first time in a long time i'm really

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lonely there is no one around me like i haven't really made friends in new york yet

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which i'm okay with that but it is lonely like especially

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because the weather's been nice lately

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and like i haven't had Mai is in Tokyo by the way she is in Tokyo

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and so I have no one to hang out with

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because she was in fact my only friend here

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and like I go out once a week and see people

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but they're not like my friends if

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that makes any sense I go to a mysterious thing every

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Tuesday I don't want to talk about it I go to a secret club

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so I get some human interaction and I do I leave the house I do I go on walks, I leave the house, I have things, I do things, okay?

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I do stuff, but like, I don't really have like friends.

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And that's okay because my meter for like how much interaction with friends that I need is like relatively low.

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Like, I love being around people, but I can deal with a lot of alone time.

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But this is the first time since June of last year that I have stayed still for this long.

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Not kidding.

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I there wasn't a time when I went at least four weeks without catching a flight

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or going away from wherever I was living since June of last year.

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And that exhausted me like that is a lot.

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And I didn't really notice it until I did.

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And then I really noticed it.

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And I was like, I need to stay still.

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So I planned my summer intentionally to stay still.

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I reduced like anything

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that I could avoid doing in order to let me stay

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in New York for July through to the end of August

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and a lot of June as well I did like I intentionally did

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because I was like I need to feel like a human being

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and I need to have some routine and some familiarity and I need to like establish myself here

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but nice as that is I also hadn't been capable of like bed rotting

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or like rotting in general or isolating myself in a really long time

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because it literally wasn't an option because I was always on the move

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and so this is the first time I've been still for long enough to fall back into

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that habit of like spending a whole day doing fuck all

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and not seeing anyone and then it gets to bedtime

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and you're like i feel disgusting like i feel gross this is the this week

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and like a bit of last week is the first time

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that that has re-entered my life

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and i hate it i hate it i hate it it's lonely

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and so i want to now tell you if you're like me

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and you either live alone or maybe you don't live with people

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that you really with and you just feel lonely like you're all by yourself and you don't love it.

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I have, I have something for you.

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Okay, so you know what?

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I am really starting to feel like my mother.

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My mum plays solitaire every night.

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Since I think I, before I was born, she has played solitaire on her fucking phone every night.

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And like, if you talk to her during her solitaire, she gets very upset with you because she has to focus.

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I don't, to this day, I don't really understand what solitaire is, but I found my own version of whatever she finds in

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solitaire I have located in my own life now this is my iPad yes

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and this is rummy cup

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or rummy cube I don't know how to pronounce it can you see this

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so basically if you I'm not gonna like explain the whole game it's boring

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but you you go on play now and you get a bunch of tiles

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and you have to get rid of all of your tiles

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and there's like three other people in the game

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and they'll put down their tiles and you can like rearrange their tiles but obviously there's certain rules about

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what numbers can go with what numbers fuck now i'm fully in the game now i'm in the fucking game

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and i have incredible cards

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and i'm oh my god i have great cards guys i'm

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gonna play rammy cube whilst we talk okay 10 11 12 see i've dropped into the game with 10

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and 11 and 12 13 they gave me two jokers guys this never happens sorry pardon me

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but this is like an insane drop anyway the reason i've been finding this game

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so enticing is because not only am i extremely addicted to it

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but fuck I can't even go on this route you know

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what sorry guys I'm gonna leave the game I'm gonna focus sorry I love

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that game you can't talk to the other players like there's no like chat

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that you can like write into but it gives you like five

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or something options of like pre-made things that you can say

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which is like please make a move good game you can say wow you can say good luck

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you say best game of my life anyway

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when you join a game a lot of the time people will say good luck

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and then you say thank you and then you can say there's one

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that says thank you and then you can say good luck

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and then there's like emotes that you can do and it's

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so fun the sounds they make it so funny it's like

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or like like guys it makes me laugh

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because sometimes I'll fuck up a move and all my tiles will go back

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and then you can make the noise that's like or

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if someone else fucks up their move

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and you know exactly what they did wrong

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and like all their tiles go back you can go

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and laugh guys i play this you know what let me

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tell you how many hours i've played you can see so

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if you go to your profile you can see games played

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and 13 games played mind you i've only been not at

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this for like two weeks games 155 that's actually not bad like that's not that bad

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score is minus 972 total time played 24 34 39 39 hours

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and 23 minutes i think is that's really bad but

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so every night i come home from well i don't i usually am already home

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but last night i came home but i'll tell you why

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and i played this for fucking hours i have to tear myself away from this game

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and go to bed on time where was i last night

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because i casually dropped in

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that i was out last like came over to play rummy

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cube rummy cub whatever the fuck oh well i was just

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at therapy i finally found one i found one now do

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i have any idea what her qualifications are no did she

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lead me into a basement for the session yes she did

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but is she an available therapist in my local area who

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is willing to treat me yes she is yes she is yes she is

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and i love her for that i found it

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so hard to find a therapist with times

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that worked with willing to be flexible with online versus in

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person who also didn't sound completely fucking insane in their bio

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i must have reached out to her for a reason

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so she must have i genuinely don't know but

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but i love her i love her big breath of relief for everyone

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that i'm back in therapy big breath of relief for me but this is

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this is my first time going to therapy as like a

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real grown-up yeah that's generous a real adult like the last

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time I was in therapy I think I was like 22

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and like every time in my life before

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because I've been in therapy they chucked me into my first therapy session

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when I was about roughly four years old like I've been doing this

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and for my whole childhood I hated it

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because I was too shy to tell them anything

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and I thought they were all stupid and annoying

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and I think I might have and write in

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that judgment to be completely honest with you I just always felt like it was

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so patronizing maybe that was me projecting because I felt stupid

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but I always as a kid I had this big issue

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and I still have this big issue which I'm relearning recently about being

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singled out or the odd one out like I always was like had this conviction that I was

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stupider than everyone else and had needs that everyone else didn't have

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and I think that's genuinely because I was always in therapy

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and like it was like the secretive thing I would get pulled out of class to go see the counselor

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or like I would have to go somewhere after school

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and like I was aware no one else was fucking going to this place after school

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and like it was just so such a humiliation ritual for my entire fucking childhood anyway

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so I never loved therapy I grew up

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and I found a therapist I loved

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when I was like 21 22 I didn't see him for that long so I couldn't afford but he was the best.

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And I no longer think of therapy as like something

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that I'm embarrassed to do by any means my relationship to it has changed a lot

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but before when I was in therapy all

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that time it was always to do with my phobia

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and my anxiety and my panic attack

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so I always went in like I have this problem

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that is so embedded in me and I need to get rid of it

473

because it's ruining my life it was never

474

so much like I have a host of life circumstances that I need to work through or like

475

there's just things actively going on around me

476

that I don't know what to do with or have the tools to deal with.

477

Like it's never been like life therapy.

478

It's always been this one focused point that I need them to help me with.

479

And this is the first time where I've gone to a therapist and just been like, I don't have a specific thing to talk to you about.

480

I have like five things that I need to talk to someone about like

481

because I don't know what to do with them help me please

482

and it was also my first experience going to therapy where

483

I talk about myself rather than talk about just one part of myself

484

and so yesterday was my first session and I walked to the session

485

because it felt right I actually borderline jogged to the session oh my god

486

so embarrassing I discovered

487

that Gracie Abrams had released a like studio version like a track of Death Wish

488

which I've long since loved that song

489

but it was only like the live version that was out

490

or something like that and I didn't know

491

that it was on the new album

492

because I've just been behind lately on my pop culture forgive

493

me I discovered it like five minutes before the session

494

and I was like well five minutes I discovered

495

that she had done that like five minutes before I had to go

496

so I put it on repeat put my airpods in

497

and I strode to therapy but then

498

when I got there my airpods betrayed me oh my god

499

because I I pulled them out she met me in the lobby

500

and I like pulled my airpods out to greet her

501

and they've never done this before where it just immediately starts

502

then to play out loud on my phone like that's like a mechanism against

503

that I swear it started to play out loud on my phone

504

so within the first five seconds of meeting my new therapist

505

death wish by Gracie Abrams just starts blaring out the speakers of my phone that was so fucking humiliating

506

fuck you Gracie Abrams just kidding but like oh I was oh sorry sorry

507

so sorry sorry and then she's like how are you I was good good good good I'm

508

so good I'm great anyway that was really embarrassing

509

so then we sit down and we talk we get talking

510

and it felt so fucking weird to just be telling someone all my shit

511

and I didn't realize

512

that I have a script I have a script about my

513

life a lot of people ask me about my life right

514

as as do they ask everyone about like what do you do for work

515

when did you move to the city where do you live

516

what what do you I don't like general questions right

517

and I have such a script because they're the commonly asked questions of life

518

and I also guess there's an added layer for me of just like guarding certain pieces of information

519

when speaking to new people if I don't want them to immediately know what I do for work.

520

I hate when people know what I do for work

521

because then they can go and watch what I do for work if they were sinister enough to want to.

522

Which I don't think is fair.

523

Unless you have an equal amount of internet archive of yourself that I can indulge in,

524

there's no good reason why this person I just met should get to go home

525

and watch up to a thousand hours of me talking shit online

526

and form the most absurd perception i'm not saying people do this

527

but people do this guys that

528

when i find out one of my friends watches this podcast what the fuck are you doing if and

529

if you're here right now get off get off get away

530

like it's not fair unless i get unless you're gonna send

531

me an hour of you talking to yourself something about this

532

doesn't feel fair it doesn't feel fair it really doesn't and

533

and don't you dare ask me questions about it don't like

534

it's private it's secret you're watching it's secret it's not for

535

you it's literally not for you I don't know how else to explain it anyway

536

so I don't like people knowing what I do especially

537

if it's like a new person that I'm gonna see a lot

538

which I have been dealing with a lot of that recently

539

because of these mysterious meetings that I've been going to so I like have kind of I guess just developed

540

a way of talking about myself that is

541

so vague you think what do you do for work marketing

542

i do social media what for who brands i work for

543

brands that's how i make my money as i work for

544

brands on with their social medias what do you do for work shut up like there's ways there are ways

545

and i have discovered them to never allow someone to figure out that i

546

have a fucking podcast like my god now it's not always

547

that important to me that people don't know I really don't actually hear

548

that much at the end of the day

549

but it's not something I try

550

and drop into the first fucking conversation it's really not unless I want to

551

but sometimes I just don't sometimes I just want to not

552

be a freak a fucking spectacle okay sometimes I meet a group of new people

553

and I just don't want to be a bitch with a fucking podcast in a TikTok account

554

please like i i just want to be like yes i

555

don't i don't know what it is like i hate it

556

it's not a shame thing it's more just like let me not be

557

that for a second not that i hate being

558

that it's just like do you know what i mean could you relate me anyways

559

so yeah and i realized oh my god i i'm

560

so firm on my scripting with myself

561

that i didn't even know i really had this much that i was having to break script.

562

It was like the weirdest thing ever.

563

So she'd be like, and what do you do for work?

564

And I'd be like, social media.

565

And she'd be like, what does that mean?

566

I was like, oh my God.

567

Yeah, no. So like, this is what I do.

568

Like, it's like I have a podcast, I have TikTok, I have agents, I have lawyers.

569

It's really scary.

570

I'm so scared all the time.

571

Like I, yeah, like so many people watching me inside of my head that I can't even think private thoughts anymore.

572

And she was like, oh, okay.

573

So what do you nothing nothing I'm unemployed so loved it

574

because sometimes I'm a fucking idiot you guys make me laugh

575

when you're like I just see myself referred to a lot

576

by people as for lack of bear wedding emotionally intelligent

577

or like articulate on how I feel and think

578

and those things are very important to me

579

and I don't disagree all the time but why could this therapist

580

so I walked her through one of the things I've been tackling lately

581

and we talked about it for maybe like half an hour

582

and she was like it feels like there's there's a layer of like frustration in this for you

583

that you haven't mentioned but like

584

because I had just talked about this thing very logistically like

585

very factually like what's the solution what happened what's everyone's intentions

586

or where everyone's into you know like what's physically going on

587

and she was like you know it sounds like there's also like a level of frustration

588

because maybe it feels like this is happening you know

589

and I was like spot on yeah I never realized

590

that like I knew I was annoyed but when she

591

when she put it so gently she's like sounds like you're frustrated as well

592

because of maybe this and I was like oh genius it's

593

so helpful I love therapy super good super good it why is it getting

594

so dark it's getting super dark in here damn I've been

595

yapping for like 43 minutes already okay you know what i'm i'm just gonna walk you through something real quick

596

because i want to okay show

597

and tell i just want to show you i want to

598

show you all my stuff okay guys guys guys guys guys

599

guys guys guys guys guys you know hold on okay okay

600

this i'm gonna walk you through my journaling ecosystem do you care don't care don't care don't care

601

if you don't i'm gonna do it so guess what you know

602

that trend that's been going around where it's like five things

603

that are are really worth your money they're great okay

604

and i tried last week to give my five things

605

that are worth the money do i feel passionately

606

that any of them are worth the money no not really like genuinely no

607

and i'll tell you what is worth the fucking money good

608

kitchen roll okay the fancy kitchen roll it genuinely makes a difference like the amount of shit

609

when i have shitty kitchen roll right now i have used like three rolls in like two days

610

because i'm an absolute monster the way I behave around kitchen

611

roll it is should be genuinely a crime like just get

612

a spongy freak I have a sponge too I'm just greedy

613

and lazy to add on to my lovely what are they adjectives about myself fuck knows

614

but but hey maybe

615

that makes me a vermin damage to property yeah yeah anyway why was I saying

616

that oh yeah get the good kitchen roll it is

617

so much it lasts so much longer you need so much less

618

and it rips properly because don't get me started

619

when it fucking leaves the last corner oh god

620

so like I genuinely think you end up spending less

621

because it lasts that much longer you know I mean anyway journaling ecosystem okay

622

so this is irrelevant it's going over there to start I'll oh wait I'm missing a thing okay

623

so to start journaling ecosystem this is what I

624

journal in pretty much every day of my life it is

625

a moleskin again I don't know what size I love these I'm going to cover up my personal information

626

but I always like to decorate like I stick little things

627

and I have washi tape and some wrapping from a store

628

that like wrapped up what I bought it's cute makes it makes it makes you excited to use it

629

and a little sticker on the front so that's my like diary

630

if you will so that's thing number one now thing number two is I know that the Louise Carmen trend is rife.

631

I don't want a Louise Carmen.

632

Are they beautiful?

633

Yes.

634

Do I want one?

635

Yes.

636

But there's something in me that knows I shouldn't have one.

637

And I can't explain it, but it's like, I like not over-investing in hobbies that I actually enjoy,

638

like writing, because it feels more real to me the cheaper I can do it for.

639

Like, I really enjoy this just because I enjoy it not

640

because I have a I can't explain this my dad has owned like three sweaters since I was born

641

and he has like one pair of slippers

642

that he refuses to get rid of whatever

643

that bone is that's in the dad body I have it like

644

and I know I I consume a lot

645

and like I just bought this table

646

and I just bought everything you see around me like I

647

had to buy like I'm not the under consumption queen

648

that my dad is but when it comes to what I need and consume

649

on the day to day I don't enjoy overindulging does

650

that make any sense I don't I don't I get a

651

kick out of using things in the most bare bones way possible

652

and with journaling that's how I feel I don't know

653

but I did get a filofax

654

because it's kind of like a Louise Carmen in the sense

655

that the paper is replaceable and the cover is forever I wanted something

656

that like with these I cycle through them so quickly

657

and with old journals like this you're going to cycle through them

658

so quickly and I like the idea of something becoming worn

659

and traveling with me throughout a long period of time

660

and therefore you're going to need something with a replaceable insert system otherwise once you fill it up it's done

661

so I invested in one of these the paper is held in by ring binders

662

so you just need you can make your own paper

663

and then if you have a hole puncher you just punch the holes

664

or you can buy the paper from filofax

665

or like from fucking amazon like there's so many versions

666

and it has like you can put things like this in

667

like a this is like a pocket to hold stuff at the back there is a pocket

668

and in the pocket i have pictures of me and millie

669

and then a picture of my grand mommy grandma in the

670

back down you goes there you go okay has a built-in pen holder love and on the

671

front side it has kind of like a wallet system I have some art in here

672

that my cousin drew me

673

and then on the front I just made this cute little thank you I thought it was pretty

674

so this is actually pretty much filled up

675

and I need to take the paper out I love it

676

it is a bit bulky I will say it's a bit

677

bulky the idea of it was for me to be able to travel around day to day with something

678

that I love with smaller paper in it for thoughts and to-do lists and whatever.

679

It's a bit bulky for that I will say.

680

The reason I wanted something that I could carry around is because this is too personal.

681

I don't want it to leave the house really

682

and I use it to write about my day

683

or about how I'm feeling not like quick notes and stuff

684

but this I could use for quick notes and whatever I wanted

685

but it's a bit bulky i will i will admit

686

but i do love her i do love her

687

so i need to use it more i need to get

688

some new paper for it is what i need to do

689

because it's fucking full so to replace that whilst it's not been like in circulation of my life, I've been throwing this.

690

This is Licht.

691

And it is just plain.

692

And it is my on the go note taking system.

693

This is my to do list book slash work notebook,

694

mostly to stay at home and to create an archive of all my to do lists.

695

because I like making archives.

696

I think it's inspiring and fun.

697

The other thing, a stack of fucking sticky notes.

698

I always have like two pads of these on rotation around my house.

699

And then what I do is I, throughout the day, I will have thoughts or feelings that I could sit down and journal about, but I have no fucking time to do that.

700

And it's not, it's not the time and place.

701

So I will scribble it down on a sticky note, stick the sticky note in or on my journal in

702

and I'll come back to it later work notes thoughts scribbling

703

during meetings I fucking shopping list stick it on the fridge

704

like you can probably see there's a bunch of them on the fridge behind me like sticky notes

705

and me oh my god there's one on the back of

706

my computer too I don't even know what it says what does it say check check leave files in place

707

and proxies are on it's an editing note myself genius love sticky notes then i have this

708

which is a workbook of sorts i take it to my meeting

709

that i go to this is a plain like binder for a4 paper

710

and i use it for my language class and so i use just plain paper or whatever paper I have,

711

have a hole puncher, punch some holes in the paper, put it in here.

712

I write in like scribbly notes during my classes and then after my classes I sit down, I rewrite all my notes in a way that is pretty

713

and makes sense and then I can look back over

714

and then get rid of the class notes

715

and put the new notes in here so that I can refer back to them.

716

This is a small pencil case from Muji.

717

It is mesh, it is see-through.

718

I'm fucking in love with this pencil case.

719

Don't know what it is about this.

720

I love it.

721

Always in my bag and it has everything I need throughout the day

722

and then I have way more stuff just staying at home.

723

Like I have crayons, I have colored pencils, I have way more pens and pencil options but like this is full of everything I need to go out with.

724

Also in here is eye contact, contact refresh serum which I always take with me in here because then I always have it with me.

725

It's genius.

726

I also have a little aquaphor in here

727

because I always fucking want one of those with me

728

and then what else have we got in here we got

729

a bunch of bullshit we've got pens of all different sorts

730

uh pencil from the moma pencil from the twa hotel at jfk

731

when i missed my flight and had to stay the night

732

that sucked but i got a free pencil classic bic pen for

733

when you need to write really fast you need a ballpoint fucking pen bitch everything else is beautiful

734

but when someone's talking at the speed of light

735

and you're trying to take notes you need one of bees

736

this pen actually i love how it rises from hotel principe de sovia in milan the place i always stay

737

when i go for milan fashion week with gucci

738

and it is one of the best pens in the fucking world it's a ballpoint

739

but it's broken and so

740

if you press with any pressure the ballpoint it like retracts

741

i'm gonna steal another one whenever i'm next in milan gucci please invite me back to your next show

742

because i need to steal another pen from this hotel

743

that i otherwise would never stay at so will not

744

and would never stay out like it's not nice would

745

that like it's expensive it's so expensive

746

so please can I come back please thank you I need another pen

747

and then one of my favorite pens from Muji it's a three colored ballpoint don't really give a fuck

748

that it's three colored although that's sometimes useful I mostly just want the black

749

and the blue it's just the nicest ballpoint ever

750

and it's in this like triangular shape which is

751

so comfortable to hold my handwriting always looks really neat

752

when I write with this pen

753

when I write with this pen my handwriting is really messy

754

and I actually don't really like this pen

755

and just trying to finish it that's another thing I do

756

is I love finishing pens at uni I would exclusively use these

757

because number one they were cheap accessible and I love

758

that you can fully see the ink on the inside

759

and you can write really fast with them they're just good like they're decent pens for working

760

and what I would do is

761

it was like one of the only ways I could derive any level of dopamine

762

or serotonin from any part of my life was to watch

763

as the pen became more empty from all the notes I would take

764

and then because I did all my uni work by fucking hand

765

which probably was completely the wrong thing to be doing

766

but I decided at some point that things only go into my brain

767

if I write them with my hand

768

so I like wrote everything by like I probably could have worked in a more efficient way but

769

I would then stick the empty pen on my wall so

770

and I just had a bunch of them with blue tack stuck above my desk

771

and that was something I enjoyed I think I still have the empty pen somewhere

772

but I don't know love this one is also from Muji

773

and the highlighting tip is see-through in the middle so

774

that you can see what the fuck you're highlighting which genius

775

and then what is this this is another pen from Hotel

776

Balzac Balzac oh my god there's such a nice hotel I

777

stayed there in Paris I think I'm actually gonna not have

778

that in my pencil case anymore because it's too long

779

and it was causing issues

780

and then I have a little tiny little pencil sharpener don't

781

know why they ever make bigger ones just this is like the best pencil sharpener in the world

782

and that is my pencil case

783

and then I also just got these the other day

784

which actually I really am feeling bad about I'm gonna show you now

785

but like just know that I'm already feeling a bit guilty about the whole thing

786

so please don't make me feel worse or do

787

but I got I've been wanting a mechanical pencil for a

788

really long time I've never wanted a mechanical pencil in my

789

life I quite enjoy the experience of sharpening a pencil

790

and I enjoy that once you finish a pencil you get the satisfaction of it being small

791

and that there's no waste like almost no waste right we don't need to wrap a pencil

792

and plastic hey idea it's not necessary unless there's something

793

that you're doing that is so important that your pencil is always sharp

794

which there are jobs like that mine simply isn't one of them

795

so why would I get a fucking mechanical pencil you know then I saw this one mechanical pencil

796

and I can't remember who made it someone's gonna know what I'm talking about though it's a mechanical pencil

797

that rotates the nib like a bajillion times a second

798

so as you write you're constantly using all of the edges of the lead

799

so you never have the issue where one side is sharp and one side is dull.

800

It's always completely equal and obviously then the lead is replaceable so you just get one pen, one of the pen bit and a bunch of lead

801

and you just have the most perfect pencils for the rest of your life.

802

I want that.

803

Why did I buy this shitty Bic mechanical pencil?

804

Because I'm greedy there's no other reason for it I was at staples

805

and I was like oh my god mechanical pencils I've been

806

wanting a mechanical pencil kind of forgot why I had wanted a mechanical pencil in the first place

807

which was because of the amazing mechanical pencil that I had seen

808

and just bought this and and and for what you know

809

and for fucking what

810

so I feel bad feel bad there you go sometimes that's

811

life we make mistakes this is my favorite pen of all

812

time This is the Muji Smooth Gel Ink Ballpoint Pen Noctite 0.5 Black.

813

This pen and me are locked in.

814

You can't write fast with it because it's like if you're at a slant, if you're like me and if you're writing fast, you're at a slant, it's not gonna be good.

815

Like it does that feeling thing on the paper where it's gross.

816

You need a big ballpoint if you need to write fast.

817

But this is beautiful.

818

and I use it for my journaling and I use it whenever I can because I think it's gorgeous.

819

Let me show you.

820

Actually I can't be bothered to show you.

821

I'll just write on this.

822

This is a horrible example of the pen but there you go.

823

Okay well that's the most useless episode in the world.

824

Oh my god wait there's two more there's two more things sorry.

825

Wait oh my god that's my passport.

826

The fuck?

827

Okay so this this I've lost the clip that I used to use.

828

I used to have one of those metal clips on the top

829

because it doesn't close by itself

830

which is annoying i've spoken about this before on tiktok i

831

think it is a diary like a planner diary now i fell behind on using this

832

so i don't want to talk about that

833

but say you're in november it's a day of the week

834

so monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday side sunday the corners rip off like this

835

so that look if we go to to where I stopped using it, which is March to April,

836

you can rip all the corners off so that you can flip more easily to the page that you're on.

837

Now, is that not fucking genius?

838

And it's gorgeous.

839

And it has a map.

840

This is Love London, but it has a tube map because I got this in the UK.

841

It's WH Smith branded, if you're interested.

842

And it has a little wallet at the front, 2026.

843

I just think it's so chic.

844

I just think it's the most chic thing in the whole world.

845

And I'm really upset with myself for not having made more use of this

846

but shit got really busy and I went back to Google Calendar

847

but I will maybe restart using this

848

because this was really good for keeping myself on track

849

and it's just an easier way to see what's going on I think like I get confused

850

when I look at a fucking there's no digital calendar

851

that I've ever found that I like I just put up with it

852

and the other thing is that I have this the red version of this from Staples

853

this is for morning pages for me and

854

if you don't know what morning pages are they are three pages

855

that you write messily in the morning first thing

856

when you wake up if you can and it is like a brain dump

857

and you will be

858

so surprised at what comes out of your brain first thing in the morning it is nothing like you think

859

and it feels so good like it feels like it wouldn't feel good it feels

860

so good and it in it made me enact

861

so much change in my life when I first started doing morning pages

862

because there is only so many times you can repeat yourself about what's bothering you

863

or what you need to do or what you don't want to do

864

or what's making you angry before you are like oh my god let me just fucking go

865

and fix this because I it makes you

866

so much more self-aware like you can be self-aware

867

but then there's there's this other level to like where you're like oh my god like

868

stop it like stop like we're gonna change it's good for

869

changing it's also good for becoming more aware it's good for getting it out like your brain is

870

so interesting in the morning and I don't think you discover the extent of

871

that until you put pen to paper like it is

872

so eye opening to like I am not an angry person

873

right I've said this before like I can be angry

874

but I wouldn't say it's a very common state for me to be in

875

and I usually only experience anger around the time

876

that something is happening that should be making me angry or

877

or might realistically make a person angry you know like I

878

don't feel like it's my something I go to very often anyway turns out in the morning

879

when I'm talking about things

880

that have been bothering me for some time I very easily become angry

881

and I I think

882

that getting it out onto the paper number one made me aware of it

883

and I wasn't aware of it before

884

and number two it's like before you've made any excuses for the day

885

when you're in your most like human being state before your

886

phone before you've spoken to anyone like it's really just you

887

and you it allows so much honesty and

888

so much less protectiveness of yourself because you're barely functioning like there's something

889

so magical about it highly recommend doing morning pages you can look them up if

890

that was a shit explanation of what to do three pages

891

by shorthand first thing in the morning no objective just write put your pen on the paper

892

and see what comes out and

893

if you have to start by saying I don't know what to say say that it changed my life.

894

This is a lot smaller.

895

I used to do them in A4, the morning pages, and I actually found that easier because I would just write massive and sloppily.

896

This is going to make it a bit harder, but I'm hoping it's going to keep me a bit more accountable

897

because it's smaller and I can travel with it because I've really struggled to stay consistent with morning pages.

898

Anyway, bitches, I'm done.

899

I'm going to shut the fuck up.

900

It's raining and I'm about to go out.

901

I'm going out in the next...

902

I need to text someone to figure out what time I'm going, actually.

903

I love you guys I hope that you have a splendid week I hope

904

that your day is going well I hope

905

that everything is okay in your lives and beyond

906

and thank you for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome

907

I love you very much let me know let me know

908

how we feel about the new setup I can go back

909

to the couch it's not an issue we can stay here

910

I can I could clean up behind me before I sit down for an episode

911

that might be nice sorry about that

912

but love you have a good day night week I love you so much okay okay bye bye

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Speaking Goals for This Clip: Casual Fluency & Natural Self-Expression

This video is perfect for practicing casual conversational flow—a key milestone for IELTS speaking practice and real-life communication. The speaker’s relaxed, unscripted tone models how to express personal thoughts, correct oneself, and digress naturally, skills that make your English sound authentic. Whether you’re preparing for an exam or just want to chat more comfortably, shadowing this clip (repeating aloud while listening) will help you mimic the rhythm of everyday speech.

Phrase Bank: Reusable Expressions for Everyday Chats

"jump straight in" – to start something quickly without delay
"rough luck" – a casual way to say "unfortunate"
"moving swiftly on" – to change topic politely
"reeked" – to smell very strongly (usually negative)
"sick and twisted addiction" – a humorous way to describe a strong, slightly unusual habit

These phrases work in contexts like sharing stories with friends or even IELTS speaking part 2, where personal anecdotes matter. Try using them in your own sentences to build fluency.

Fix Your Weak Spots: Pronunciation & Rhythm of Informal Speech

The video’s strength lies in its natural rhythm—pauses, filler words ("like," "okay"), and emphasis on emotional words ("fucking love," "gross"). A common issue for learners is sounding too scripted; shadow speech (repeating the speaker’s words in real time) helps you master this. Notice how the speaker shortens "I am" to "I'm" and uses contractions ("it's," "don't")—these small details make English sound conversational. For pronunciation, focus on the stress in words like "biological" (by-uh-LOJ-i-kuhl) and "classification" (klas-uh-fuh-KAY-shuhn). Practice these with shadowing to improve your clarity and flow.

Learning English with YouTube doesn’t get more practical than this. Use this clip for daily shadowing practice, and you’ll soon notice your speech becoming more natural—whether you’re talking about rodents, habits, or anything else life throws your way.

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on	I've just been letting · I've been dealing · haven't really been doing
“Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true	used to have · used to do
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	I've had · has never been · I've made
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	can be medicated · be delivered · was drunk

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: How to Cope as a Useless Lonely Rat // EP 108 - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Navigating Friendships, Sexuality and Jealousy // EP 5 - Pretty Lonesome

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Ratatouille (2007) opening scene (part 1)

Guess My Phobia | Lineup | Cut

Control Your Mind Before It Destroys Your Life | Monk And Cat Story |

The Ethics of Zoos: A Keeper and an Activist

This Channel TRAUMATIZE Uncle Roger (HowToBasic)

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피곤한 날 집밥 해먹기 vs. 배달시키기 | 영국영어 팟캐스트 This or That ep07 Cooking at home vs. Ordering takeaway

“I’m Addicted to being a Furry”

This Is How I Reduced My Screen Time (I Made a Dopamine Menu)

Speaking Goals for This Clip: Casual Fluency & Natural Self-Expression

Phrase Bank: Reusable Expressions for Everyday Chats

Fix Your Weak Spots: Pronunciation & Rhythm of Informal Speech

Grammar in this video

What is the Shadowing Technique?