Shadowing Practice: thoughts on sex // EP 78 - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Good afternoon, everybody.

Woo!

Okay, sit down, shut up.

It's me time.

Uh, oh!

Goodness gracious.

Okay, listen.

Okay, elephant in the room, let me address it.

I'm wearing a push-up bra.

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

If you're thinking I'm unusually sexually attracted to her today, I'm aroused.

Well, don't worry, you're not ovulating.

I just look incredible.

Anyways, with that said, why am I wearing a push-up bra?

Because I found it in the back of my closet, okay i didn't even know i had this

but okay brief trigger warning i'm gonna talk about weight for three seconds

and then and then i'll shut the fuck up about it i promise

and i'm gonna try not say anything crazy

but you guys know i've talked about this publicly before

that i've struggled with weight loss

because i was at one point in my life recently extremely stressed

but it's not even that recently it's nearly a year ago

that i was deeply stressed

and i have been struggling to put back on the weight

i don't know why i think i just like fell into

sloppy eating habits like i just wasn't eating enough i wasn't eating the right things

and one thing about me is my entire family is we

are naturally very very very petite i despise it i have hated it my entire life i feel not skinny

but scrawny and there is a big distinction between the two

and despite what people on twitter will say i genuinely have

never struggled psychologically with eating i have never been inclined toward

that i just unfortunately naturally very small and i don't like it

and lately i have okay do you not want to know

what actually happened to like make me go okay fuck this shit i was laying in bed

and i like had an itch on my butt cheek and

so i went to itch my butt cheek

and i was like wait where's my butt cheek wait guys wait where's my butt cheek

and i was like oh my god i don't have a butt cheek

and i was feeling it

and i was like i'm feeling it right now on camera

i was like that's fucking crazy where is it i got

up i stood up i went to the mirror i turned around

and i was like oh my god my butt is gone who took it me i took it

so i made a meal plan

that same day i went to the grocery store sprouts my grocery store of choice

and i was like okay and since that day

which was a couple of weeks ago i have been prioritizing meal time like no other

and i have managed to put back on a bit of

weight for the first time in like a long time

and i'm thrilled with it and so to reward myself for having tits

and ass i put on a pajevo okay is that

so wrong but anyway that's the point i've got tits

and ass okay so listen if you're very observant whoa you're very observant you'll notice

that it's now night time bitch

if you could see what's just transpired in my life you would lose your fucking mind i have been like

if you could see what has played out in my life

over the last five fucking hours you would lose your minds

i'm about to lose my mind it is 25 minutes past midnight right now

and i am still filming this godforsaken podcast guys i started at 2 p.m

and i have been up

and i've probably done 10 000 steps just going from this

car to inside my house i've had the busiest day

and i like i can't tell you any of the stuff that's just transpired

but i'm losing my mind and i filmed this podcast three times over

because nothing my camera kept dying

and it's literally been a charade the way can't film my tits this push-up bra has been on all day

and there's no blood going to my chest

but we're gonna talk about why is no one fucking anymore

and i hear you yell

but madeline what do you mean people are fucking i'm fucking my friends are fucking i don't see anyone not fucking

Well to that I serve you this chart.

It goes sexlessness by time and age and it's going exponentially up.

And I know it caught me by surprise as well because I thought everyone was on their worst behavior but apparently not.

And the reason that I have this chart for you today, which I will get my magician to overlay it

so you can see that I'm not lying

but the reason i'm giving you that chart k is

because i have recently felt the need to make a vow of celibacy

and what's crazy about me saying that is i don't even have

that much fucking sex i don't i tend not to really

be like sexually attracted to someone unless i have an emotional attachment to them

which i rarely have listen it only goes for men

because i will have sex with a woman three minutes after meeting her, she'll let me.

But when it comes to men, I don't want to see all that, respectfully, because I don't even want to know you have a penis.

Listen, leave that shit at home.

I've said it before, but to me it's so crazy

because like I don't even like when a guy I'm platonically friends with reminds me that he has a dick on him.

Like when we're in casual conversation and they mention their balls, take it back.

And to think that men urinate in the workplace

and they see their wiener is so gross

because the one wonderful thing about being a woman is

and hey it may not be wonderful depending on how you feel about it

but we don't really see our vaginas on the day to day like unless you look

because it's like kind of in the part of your body

that is just like not as visible as a penis right like it's not

so much in your face and so it's always crazy to me

that like men just see their genitals like 20 times a day

if they're peeing you know it's like gross anyway i have

been thinking about why is the attitude around sex changing in my life

but also like i feel like it's changing substantially socially

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so number one i think it's the obvious one of people en masse are struggling financially i think and

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if you're not making enough money to afford the basic necessities you're also not going to be going out drinking

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because that shit is expensive it costs money to buy alcohol it costs money to go out

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if you're not going out and you're not drinking

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and you're not going to these like social environments you're not gonna get drunk

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and you're not gonna hook up and you're just even

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if you don't drink you're gonna have less instances where you meet new people

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because i think for most people in my age range at least the main place

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that you meet people is like a bar or a club

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and i don't think i'm like the only one who's gonna

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unless you guys will have a secret club i don't fucking know about in

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which case that is not nice if people are doing

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that less things start to make sense

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but i actually think it goes much deeper than that

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and i will elaborate i think that there is an elephant in the room

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which is not deep enough especially by younger girls

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and this is gonna come off a little bit strong and also kind of gross sorry but listen i genuinely believe

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genuinely believe that the fact that men's pleasure so often is the focus

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when it comes to sex especially casual sex is one of the most understated atrocities okay why do i think

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that i'll tell you i genuinely think it's fucking crazy for

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a man to ask a woman after they have just had

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sex the question did you come don't let a man ever ask me

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that question because i will tell them about themselves

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so fucking fast here's the thing okay as a woman loving women i know what it sounds like

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and looks like and feels like when i am sorry this is gross

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when a girl comes okay i know what it's like

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and it's not first of all it's not that hard

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but that's for another time when they claim that it's confusing and difficult, kill them.

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But back to my point, it is quite abundantly clear when a girl has a good time.

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I know you know that as a man because I know you watch porn and I know you just know that.

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I know you do.

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I know it and you know it.

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Speaking to you man to man right now, it's quite obvious.

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Would we not?

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I will agree.

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Okay?

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And to have the nerve to ask that question signifies two things to me.

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One, you already know I didn't come, right?

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You already know.

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If I didn't come, you know I didn't come.

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And so you asking that question to me feels like manipulation

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because you're trying to convince me that you are invested in any way,

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shape or form in my pleasure by feigning concern over whether or not I came.

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Let me tell you something about yourself, okay?

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You are weird and selfish and probably gay.

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And I'll tell you why.

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To engage in the act of sex with another person and have no regard for how good it feels for them,

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to me, removes the body from my list and only means one thing.

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we did not have sex, you did not fuck me, you just had a wank.

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Unfortunately it was inside of me but babe that was a wank.

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There is nothing to constitute real sex okay because

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and I'll take you back to an age-old question

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that I asked myself as a willower when I was a teenage

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when I was but a wee girl of what constitutes sex

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because I had understood in my upbringing that sex was penis

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and vagina right I'm sorry it's such a graphic episode all of a sudden

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but that's what I understood sex to be And when I lost my virginity, I lost it to my girlfriend at the time

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and I was really struggling to understand at what point do I lose my virginity?

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At what point have we gone from messing around to having full-blown sex?

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And I couldn't really find an answer on the internet

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because all the definitions involved penetration and she did not have the means, you know?

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And so for me, sex is not defined by penetration alone.

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it's really not because there is no one firm definition

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that you can give to intercourse because it looks different between different people

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and i decide that if you don't make me come here's the thing small distinction

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if you tried and it just wasn't working props to you i'll let you off

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if you didn't try we didn't have sex you had a wank get the fuck out of my bedroom

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and i think that it is understated how actually crazy

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that behavior is because what about her as a man made you feel

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that your sensation and your experience came so far above hers like it's just

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so weird to me and it's like as someone who loves women

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and finds them very attractive i love to see them have a good time

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and that's like the best part of sex for me if i'm sleeping with a girl.

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So I struggle to comprehend how a man who is supposedly so attracted to women doesn't want to see that.

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You understand what I'm saying?

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And it's important.

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I'm now just making a case for why you should never fake an orgasm

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because these men need to be held to account because I'm sick of it.

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I am sick of women learning to undermine their pleasure, their bodies.

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I'm sick of letting- I'm sick of seeing younger girls think it's indicative of love

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or care if they have a partner who is happy to allow that experience to play over time and time again.

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It's not okay.

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It's not fine.

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Like, it's not.

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And again, I will make the distinction.

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If he tried, it's different, you know?

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But sometimes shit's just not working.

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Sometimes they fucking suck.

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It's more about the intention for me and how mutual the experience was because I don't think we had sex.

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I think you had sex and that isn't a thing you can't have one-sided sex

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so i can only call that a wank and i hate you

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and you need to leave

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so what was my point there i don't know oh my point was i think

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that there are so many faults in my necklace is wrong i think

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that sexual relationships particularly hookup culture type of relationships

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have so many flaws

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that it's exhausting to even toy with the idea of indulging for what should be leisure

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and release and something that feels good

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and rejuvenating more often than not i think for women for girls it is an experience

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that may leave them feeling worse than they started we now give all kinds of reasons to sex

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and meanings and different power dynamics and this is where i fucking struggle.

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One of the things that I've witnessed,

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the vulnerability that is having their sense of self-worth or their any kind of sense of worth and whatever it may be,

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diminished to some degree by sexual interactions that they've had with men.

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And let me give you an example.

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They're talking to a guy, they meet a guy, things are going really well

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and it gets to the point pretty early on where they

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hook up a lot of the time the boy who was previously treating this girl quite nicely pulls away entirely

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and sort of treats her very indifferently and

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that can drive a bitch insane it really can

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because you can only logically assume that you did something between then

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and now that directly impacted the way they feel about you

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and when they don't tell you what that thing is you will drive yourself insane trying to figure it out.

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Now I once listened to a podcast and I can't

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think of who it was by right now but it was this guy

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and he was interviewing someone I don't know if she was a psychologist

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or a biologist or something but she was basically saying

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that she had studied the neurotransmitters and hormones and chemical reactions

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that happen in men and women respectively when they are falling in love

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and having sex and she said that with men and women

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the process chemically is entirely different and

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when men are creating a bond with someone

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and then they have sex too soon something is released

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and it kind of destroys the foundation that was being built and makes them want to pull away.

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With women sex increases that bond and makes them crave more intimacy

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so after you guys fuck for the first time

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and you're thinking great let's cuddle he's thinking i have to go

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and it's dubbed post-nuclearity right disgusting term by the way hate

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and whilst there may be genuine and valid chemical experiences

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that a majority of the male population experience

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and the majority of the female population experience based on your biological makeup

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that will affect the way that you fall or do not fall in love and the way that you experience

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repulsion after sex or not is what it is

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and I don't know if this lady was right or

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if it was a theory or if it was an opposite I don't know

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and I can't speak to that too much but

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if it's a fact it's a fact and that's fine

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and I think we can all do well to learn more about biology

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and chemistry and how these things interact with our emotional experiences

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because honestly I hate to think about love as being chemical

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because like no I want it to be magical I hate

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that it's like I hate that it's not entirely like my choice

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and like my i just wish it was made of magic

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and not chemicals that to me that feels so sad

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but anyway off the point but regardless of whether

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that anecdote about hormones and chemicals is true my problem lies with the way

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that men so often then treat the girl in question after they feel the need to retreat

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because if you feel the need to retreat

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if you fucking had sex too early

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and whatever it is makes you now want to pull away i'm not gonna tell you that you're wrong for that.

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What I will tell you you're wrong for is having no compassion for how that's gonna make her feel.

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As women specifically, and again I'm only speaking from things that I have like experience with, I think that for me,

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I never, and I don't know how I got so lucky, and I don't mean to, oops, I don't mean to flex,

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but I never felt a connection between my sense of self-worth and the way that someone treated me romantically or sexually.

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And I don't know how I got so lucky

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because this wasn't a philosophy I had or a choice

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that I made it just has never affected me in

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that way I think that if we for example go on a date

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and you choose to not see me again why would

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that affect me personally when you've met me one time

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if we have sex and you pull away

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and suddenly you're being cold with me I might be sad

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because I liked you and I wanted it to work out

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but I'm certainly not going to sit

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and wonder what I did wrong unless I did something fucking crazy in the bedroom

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and then I might think oh was it that

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but generally I acknowledge that these things I think it's just in my makeup

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that I do not feel that it detracts from me in any way

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when someone treats me badly or dismissively or just doesn't want me and even

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if they do it kindly it it doesn't tend to affect

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me deeply however i know for a lot of my friends

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that is not the case and it has a profound impact on the way

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that they view themselves for at least a short period of time one thing

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that i will briefly touch on just quickly

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while we're on the topic is one thing i have to consciously practice is not just from an ego standpoint

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but from a actual valid sense of self-worth and sense of personhood.

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It's very important for me in my specific job to never

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take too much to heart people en masse telling me that they like me.

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Because on a good day, I receive a lot of that, right?

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And that's what my livelihood depends on.

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And also my fulfillment in my work is with people somehow, somewhere, pulling something positive from something I say or do.

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Whether it's just a giggle or whether it's a fucking philosophy, I don't know.

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That makes sense, right?

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And so on a good day, people will tell me that they like me, that they think that I am a good person.

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And it became very important to me very early on in this current career to not bring

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that home with me at the end of the day

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because as much as they can tell me

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that tomorrow they may tell me that i am the worst person they've ever seen

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and that i am wrong and mean and and stupid

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and whatever else it may be and you cannot allow external influences

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and external validation to create an inflated belief that you are good

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and equally you cannot allow it to go the other way either

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because if you allow it to go one way you are vulnerable to it going the other

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if you allow yourself to believe that you are good

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because everyone admires you then you can also allow yourself to believe

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that you are terrible because now everyone fucking hates you

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and neither will ever be true you will always be exactly

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who you were before anyone told you anything about yourself you will always be faulted you will always be multifaceted

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and you will always be right and wrong

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and you will have the capacity for good and evil

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and you are made up of the decisions that you make

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and the behaviours you exhibit and the words that you speak

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and the intentions that you harbour

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and no external words should be able to grossly skew your self-perception

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if that makes sense and it sounds harsh to suggest

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that no one allows themselves to make a compliment make themselves feel good

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but remember i'm mostly just talking about myself in the extreme right now

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which is that I am often flooded with opinions on myself from people outside of myself.

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And so it made it extremely clear to me in a extreme way early on.

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And I think it was Harry Styles who said this and it stuck with me.

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And he was like, people can tell you the best person in the world

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and people can tell you the worst person in the world and none of it is ever going to be true.

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And that fucking resonated, bitch.

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And I think that because I have had to get quite good at

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reinforcing and rechecking that belief structure in myself to make sure

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that I am not overly onboarding anyone's opinion of me into my identity

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or using it as a means of validation beyond what is good or natural or organic.

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I've also become extremely resilient to, I think, rejection in sex and dating because once you really accept

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that nothing most people 90% of the time people's actions

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and behaviors and decisions have absolutely nothing to do with you now the reason I say 90 is

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because sometimes you can be wrong okay sometimes we can be wrong

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and we can do weird shit and we can do wrong shit

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and bad shit and say the wrong thing

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and sometimes people will decide based off something you did

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or said that they don't want to see you again

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and that's okay or that they don't want to be your friend

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and that's okay i'm not saying that these things aren't possible

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and i'm not saying self-reflection isn't necessary i'm saying

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that being in a position where someone's rejection of you especially after you've had sex with them

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when that is able to knock you

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and your sense of self quite violently you're in a bad place

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and i think it's a place where a lot of young women are in

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and i think part of the reason is because well first of all

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when you have sex with someone it's incredibly intimate even

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if it's a fucking hookup and it hurts for someone

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that you shared that even

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if it's brief intimacy with to have them reject you of course it's gonna hurt that's fine

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and it would hurt me too but i think

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that another part of it is the over emphasis that society places on male validation as a whole.

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I think historically and until right now and into the future of course,

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the emphasis on male validation is fucking ingrained into us and whilst it may be ever shrinking,

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at least in the UK and the US, whilst it may be on a downward decline,

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male validation has been a means of survival for women pretty

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much since the dawn of time as they have historically held all of the power financially

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and in terms of knowledge

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and in terms of the law everything like they've held everything right they were in charge of everything okay

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and until what was it the 50s women couldn't have a

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bank account like this shit is new like we are living

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through the first generations of women who do not have to live with a man like just think about

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that for a second

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because it's very easy to hear the rhetoric online about fucking third wave feminism

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and think i don't want to seem dramatic and blah blah blah

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and i see that a lot i don't know

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if you guys agree but i think it's easy to think that these issues are less prevalent than we think

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because we were born into a world where that's just the

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norm of course i can work of course i her money of course i can vote

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but the thing is it doesn't start with you

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and you exist in the context you think you just fell out of a coconut tree bitch your mother

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and your grandmother and your great-grandmother all, can you tell it's 1am?

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They all needed men to get by, okay?

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Financially, politically, to have a house, to have a everything, to have a life.

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They needed a man.

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They had to have a man.

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And if not your mother, certainly your grandmother.

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If you're not your grandmother, by some miracle, your great-grandmother, for sure.

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It's not that far away.

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And although that is not the political climate you were born into, most likely, unless you're really old,

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the values and the ways of thinking and the everything

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that is passed down by your maternal lineage is going to have remnants of what is now called male validation

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and a chronic need for male validation because that was the only way they could have survived.

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I think that there is so much reasoning behind why why male validation is still

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so prevalent because it was like I said the means of survival.

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For most of history it has been the lifeline for women

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and the only proximity they can gain to the outside world

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and to any level of power is by their proximity to men

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and it makes sense then when you see young girls

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and women as a whole base

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so much of their sanity over the approval of a man

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and so you see why hookup culture is fucking damaging to women

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because more time than not men do just want to fuck

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and then they want to leave and whether that's

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because their wiring is different and they just can do that

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or whatever it is it's really easy to get caught up in the emotions of

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that and i think that being conscious of that is important

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and i think that one thing i find despicable is

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when boys use the phrase pick me to describe a girl

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who is strictly obeying the laws of what will get a boy to like her whether it's you know pretending

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that she fucking loves football when she doesn't

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or whether it's you know dressing in a certain way to get boys approval and the thing is, the saddest thing is, a lot of the time boys see through it.

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They know when something is not authentic.

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Because as much as they'll have you believe otherwise, they're deeply intuitive beings because they're humans and they can tell when something is inauthentic and has an ulterior motive.

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And what I find sickening is they turn it around so quickly.

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Like just two seconds ago, women were, you know, employing a very smart survival tactic, which was proximity to men, despite them wanting other things.

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And times changed, but it takes cultures a long time to unlearn things.

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And so now you have young girls, in my view, doing too much to please men.

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And they don't even know why, but they place so much value on it.

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And then men turn around and laugh at them for being a pick me.

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Have some fucking empathy, will you?

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And I don't know how I've got onto this whole rant about fucking pick me's

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but I just every behavior has its root and

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if you can identify the root and it is something

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that is not evil then you should have compassion for it

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and it annoys me

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that no one ever stops to fucking think I'm mostly speaking more about the younger girls

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that that don't yet have the perspective

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or knowledge to do anything else anyway I've got off topic

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so basically i think that as people become more socially conscious

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which i think things like tiktok are aiding rapidly

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and look tiktok has its faults for sure but i think

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that one of the better things and great things

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that it does help is this like rapid growth in like social awareness

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and cultural awareness and awareness of all kinds so i'm not surprised

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that people don't want to fuck because

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when you start it's kind of like you reach a point of no return i think as a woman

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or as anyone who is just able to see patterns

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and able to recognize repetitive behavior and is sick of it

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and doesn't want to do it doesn't want to partake in it

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and i think

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that right now we live in a time unfortunately where the

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autonomy specifically of women's bodies seems to be everyone's favorite topic of debate

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and it seems to be debated in rooms where women as a whole do not have any control

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and it is something that all women are acutely aware of right

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and even if you live in a place where

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that is not affecting you negatively you are still aware of a certain shift

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of attention onto you and your body

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and your ability to make your own decisions

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and your right to make your own decisions pertaining to your body

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and i think that a very understandable and natural response for

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that is just to not want to even share your body

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with anyone regardless of how progressive their political views are it goes beyond

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that i think it's a sense of like very innate

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and very subconscious self-protection like i empathize with the feeling of

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just wanting to build like a fucking steel enclosure around myself at times

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and let no one in and back to my point

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that i actually tried to make it an hour ago of i don't personally feel

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that my power and my self-worth are closely intertwined

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or intertwined at all with who i fuck

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or how they treat me after the fact

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if you treat me like shit after we have sex you're a piece of shit

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and it's nothing to do with me point blank fucking period

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if you decide that we're not a good match

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and you don't want to speak or hang out

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or have sex again respect that's fine again i'm just not gonna take it personally

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because i have enough evidence

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that that's not a reflection of me being crazy unless it is

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and in which case also period you're a smart one

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but like what i'm saying is i have a good sense of self

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and therefore i don't find that it's too easily rocked by people that i encounter sexually and romantic

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Do you know what I mean?

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And my point was saying that is not just to flex, okay? Although partly.

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But my point was saying that is, lately, I have felt that if I have sex, and mind you, like, sex is not that big of a thing for me.

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Like I said earlier, I don't indulge, really, outside of relationships.

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It's just not for me.

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But I have done, and even though it's not top of mind for me lately, I've been, like, specifically repulsed at the idea of doing it.

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And not in the sense that it's not physically appealing to me.

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Or that there's not a cute guy that I've got my eye on.

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Or a cute person I've got my eye on.

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Because there is.

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I have a big, big crush on someone right now.

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And it's ruining my life.

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Oh, it's ruining my life.

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Guys, so serious for one sec.

462

It's ruining my life.

463

And despite that, I can't think of anything worse than sleeping with them.

464

And I've never been in this position before.

465

And I don't understand it.

466

And I keep trying to put a theory to it.

467

Like, it's not just that I don't want to have sex with the person I have a crush on.

468

It's that I don't want anyone to touch me.

469

And not in the way that the physical act repulses me.

470

But something deep in my soul says no. And I've never felt that way before.

471

Because usually, sex is very, like, physical for me.

472

Unless I'm dating or in love with the person.

473

I guess it's my PCOS.

474

I got loads of testosterone.

475

I am very capable of having sex just be sex

476

and it's not something I enjoy but it is something I'm capable of.

477

Like it's in my makeup to not be attached

478

or not need attachment or not need anything emotionally from a person to have sex with them.

479

It won't bother me, I just don't like it but it won't bother me.

480

Does that make sense?

481

So to now be in a position

482

where the idea of sex is actually terrifying to me

483

and repulsive and invasive and feels like a loss of power is very confusing to me

484

because I don't equate sex to power or lack thereof.

485

I don't equate someone's fucking body count to have any attribute to the kind of person they are, whether they are good or bad or whether,

486

I don't think it says anything about a person other than their sex drive.

487

That's what it denotes, connotes for me.

488

Nothing else.

489

So why now do I suddenly feel so vulnerable when I think about having sex and I can't figure it out?

490

I hate that I'm coming to you with no solution

491

and no think piece because usually

492

when I film these podcasts it's like I've already gone through the experience

493

and come out the other end and I have something to like tell you.

494

When I'm speaking right now I'm speaking with questions

495

because I don't know what's going on

496

but I'm live time trying to figure it out

497

and I'll let you know if I get there

498

but I think it might also just be something to do

499

with for the first time in my life I'm actually doing a big girl thing

500

which is living somewhere when my mum is not down the road I'm in a new country

501

and on top of that forgive me for saying this

502

but I'm single

503

and I never thought I would be someone to feel this

504

way I didn't even know this was an option to feel this way

505

but something in me and don't know

506

if this is a horrible thing to say feels a lack of protection

507

and a lack of not a lack of

508

but a possibility for a lack of integrity

509

because i don't have these massive kind of pillars holding me up

510

and i didn't even know that that was a thing until recently i didn't know

511

that was a way i could feel

512

but i think something about coming to la and realizing that a lot of the time

513

when I'm around people who know me or know my friends

514

or or whatever it may be in those situations a lot of the time people will know your relationship status

515

and therefore they will know that I am single

516

and I don't know if it's something about that

517

that is freaking me out I feel for the genuine first time in my life I feel vulnerable

518

and I've said this before I've said this a couple podcast

519

episodes ago I was talking about how the distance from my family

520

and my community

521

that I grew up with has made me feel alone for the first time in my life

522

and made me crave what I was talking about a couple weeks ago was

523

that I was craving connection of any kind

524

and I was going on dates

525

and I was trying to meet people even though I'm not

526

in a place in my life where I can have that

527

or want that but I was doing it

528

because I felt shockingly alone even though I have friends here

529

and then once I realized the root cause of my feelings I decided to actively stop going on dates

530

and stop trying to fucking meet people

531

because I was like okay well this is not the solve I just have to feel this

532

and it's going to be unpleasant but

533

that doesn't mean you have to escape the feeling sometimes it's okay to just sit with it

534

and so I decided to sit with it

535

and now it's almost taken a turn where it's like

536

that same loneliness and that same exposed and vulnerable feeling

537

that I have here without my mom and my family and my friends makes me want to

538

hide away because rather than go out

539

and meet people like it was previously making me feel now

540

it's more of like a they almost felt like my protectors in a way

541

and they weren't

542

but they it that's the loss i feel i think of

543

people to protect me from ill-intended bad people who i don't always have the best discernment to identify

544

and and also So when you're around a lot of people that know you very well, be it your family or your relationship or your friends,

545

especially friends who have been in your life for a long period of time, which was the case for me back home,

546

there is a level of accountability that you are permanently held to discreetly.

547

by that i mean

548

if you just rock up tomorrow with a new personality people are going to notice

549

that you have gone through something overnight

550

and they are going to ask you hey what the fuck

551

and it holds you to a level of integrity of character

552

because people will call you out on change if it's negative change and if

553

if the change seems like it's coming too quickly for example one time my best friend Millie sat me down

554

and was like hey babe ever since you got into this relationship you have become someone that you would hate.

555

I don't know if you've noticed but you're a bad friend

556

and you are becoming someone who doesn't act in alignment with your previous morals.

557

You don't like who you are right now don't know

558

if you know and it's that kind of thing that makes me feel stable in life

559

because it assures me that it's like a safety net like i might go crazy tomorrow

560

or tonight but someone's gonna see that

561

and they're gonna tell me hey baby went crazy and

562

that makes me feel safe and i still have that

563

because i still have all my friends and my family but it's just

564

bitch i feel so far from home like that's the best way i can describe it

565

and and now i'm just rambling about issues

566

that don't affect anyone except me so i should shut the fuck up

567

because this is a podcast and not a diary

568

but I don't know I feel intimidated and exposed by by something

569

and I feel that if I was to sleep with someone in a casual manner

570

or even in an intimate way that I would lose power

571

but I don't know where

572

that power is I can't identify I can't find it I don't feel

573

that I even have any power to lose and I've never equated sex with power before but I feel it right now.

574

I think it's possible, at least for me and maybe for other people, that somewhere along the line,

575

I have developed an unhealthy relationship with sex due to being around men who view women in an overly sexual way.

576

And there is a massive distinction between men who love sex and love women.

577

Do you, King?

578

Fully.

579

Be respectful and do you.

580

There's a huge distinction between that which i think is fine

581

and men who view women as sexual beings before anything else without bothering you with the specifics of why

582

or giving examples i think

583

that i unfortunately spent a lot of time around men who were point blank derogatory towards women

584

and i made the mistake of thinking that this wouldn't have an impact on me.

585

I have found myself slipping into unhealthy perspectives around sex

586

and what that says about me as a person and I think

587

that I disagree with the notion

588

that your body count has anything to do with your self-worth like I said earlier

589

but that doesn't exempt me from unfortunately still feeling a level of shame about this stuff

590

even as I'm talking about it on this podcast and admitting oh yeah I've hooked up with people

591

there's a level of like pain in my spleen when I say

592

that because I can't take it back once I publish this

593

and I then have to face shame and I think that that is genuinely really sad.

594

I also think that it's important as a woman to not in the lens of shame

595

but in the lens of self-protection

596

understand the power that you do have when it comes to how you engage with the world in a sexual way

597

by having a conscious knowledge of how much men pay for

598

being in the proximity of a woman let alone having sex with her

599

when you realize just how deep this stuff goes and the way

600

that a lot of men not all of them of course

601

but many of them view women view sex

602

and view you as a result of it i think it's

603

important to be aware of those things however I think it's hard to be aware of them

604

and not take them on personally

605

and I think that's where I'm getting a bit stuck recently is I'm becoming aware I think

606

because I'm alone and I'm single in this new place I'm becoming aware of how I am perceived

607

and becoming aware of the emphasis on how you're supposed to conduct yourself

608

sexually in the world and what's an acceptable body count

609

and what isn't and what's acceptable to do and what's not

610

and all of it just feels to me unpleasant

611

and I don't think I'm making any sense tbh I don't I don't

612

but my actual point was I'm wondering

613

if it's necessary to claim celibacy even though I probably wouldn't

614

end up having sex in this same time frame anyway say

615

I designate a year to celibacy i could call it by

616

any other name bitch it's just still not gonna be having sex

617

and it's just like okay if i call it

618

that then it feels intentional

619

and then it feels like growth do i have to do something

620

so for some people drastic for me maybe drastic as intentional

621

celibacy for 12 months in order to fix what has gone

622

wrong somewhere down the line in terms of how i view myself

623

and how i respect myself

624

and how i how i take on other people's perspectives perspectives of me is like

625

and it begs the same question as like is Suffering necessary to enact real change in your personhood.

626

I don't know it feels it Because I often agree with the stance of like, you know change comes from discomfort.

627

Yeah in a lot of cases That's true.

628

I think

629

that a lot of good change comes from discomfort Whether that's

630

the discomfort of moving somewhere new of switching friend groups of changing your entire fucking career

631

because hey it didn't feel good

632

or whatever it is i think a lot of times change does come from discomfort

633

and a lot of change and learning comes from pain

634

but i think the whole notion as a general statement

635

that in order to have change you have to experience discomfort i disagree with

636

and i'm trying to unlearn it i'm trying to unlearn the belief

637

that discomfort is necessary but maybe that's futile because i'm uncomfortable anyway

638

so what's the point it's so late

639

and i don't know what i'm saying anymore i don't know

640

but i think that a lot of the time previously for me

641

and for others when you seek out sex in in a casual way

642

or casual dating in any form you more often than not

643

are just seeking closeness right like it's not crazy to want a companion in this world quite normal

644

and i think that if what you're seeking is closeness and all you're getting is a shitty

645

a shitty fucking dinner if that maybe a couple of hours in their room

646

or whatever it may be you're gonna be disillusioned pretty quickly

647

and you're gonna learn

648

that casual dating is not gonna supply you more often than not obviously there's exceptions

649

but i think that you learn in your early adulthood

650

that more often than not these things aren't going to fulfill the need of closeness

651

or intimacy and ultimately the most you can really hope to gain from a one night stand

652

or from casual anything is too how do i say this eloquently too nut

653

and as i said before it's all too common

654

that i think for a lot of women that is not achieved

655

and it is not prioritized and

656

so of course by the time you hit fucking 21 you're not interested in doing it anymore

657

because you know what's gonna happen nine times out of ten, you're just gonna be disappointed.

658

You're not gonna achieve the closeness, you're not gonna fill the void, and you're not even gonna come.

659

So no, I'm not up right now, bitch.

660

I don't know.

661

Tell me if I'm going crazy.

662

I think it can feel really draining when what you want is intimacy, emotional intimacy and closeness, and you're lying there with someone, even if they're humoring your vision,

663

okay, and you're playing house. Because

664

I've had that happen where I go on a date

665

and we play house for a couple of days

666

and it's like this weird weird dynamic

667

that happens sometimes especially with women where like you'll go on a date

668

and you'll hang out for like three days

669

and like they're basically your girlfriend for three days

670

and then maybe you just like never hang out again I've had

671

that happen and so in that case

672

that you do achieve a level of closeness and you do get on

673

and maybe the sex is good

674

but you're laying there next to someone who just ultimately you know you don't want to date

675

and it's fun in the moment but you know it's just a moment

676

and you know i'm not gonna pursue this past the next 24 hours say

677

or past the next time i get fucking drunk

678

and call you there is a deep loneliness in that feeling

679

and there is a deep exhaustion in that feeling

680

and ultimately nothing can simulate connection other than real connection and

681

so i think once you try these things out once or twice

682

you just get disillusioned too quickly bro i'm telling you guys it's crazy

683

because whenever you're watching this it's probably like a reasonable hour of the day

684

or the oh my hunchback of the day

685

or the evening for me it's like literally two in the

686

fucking morning basically well it's 1 55 a.m as i'm filming this

687

and well to cut a long story short i don't think

688

that people fucking less signifies

689

that people want it less i think it signifies a collective sigh that's how it feels

690

because when you are faced with a lot of truth as we are on tiktok

691

and i keep bringing tiktok up but it's like there are

692

so many strong voices on tiktok that point out tough truths to us about the world we live in, about the culture we live in,

693

and about the ways in which we are treated that maybe we didn't even notice were wrong and now we've been told, oh, this is really wrong.

694

And you think about it and you go, yep, that is wrong.

695

I didn't even notice.

696

And now, no one can get past the first date without me realizing

697

that what they are saying hints at a value system I don't want.

698

I think as we become more conscious collectively, it makes it a lot harder to wanna bang.

699

I need to go to bed, okay?

700

No bangy, basically.

701

Everyone, keep it in your pants and respect yourselves.

702

And boys, look up a tutorial on how to make her cum

703

if you don't know what the fuck and you're panicking, okay?

704

It's not that fucking hard.

705

Trust me.

706

I do all the time.

707

Okay, I'm bored.

708

I love you guys.

709

It is late as fuck.

710

What am I gonna do?

711

I'm not tired.

712

I am, actually.

713

All right.

714

Well, I don't know if that was a really boring episode

715

or not but I love you guys oh my god and I will see you same time same place

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Getting to Know the Speaker & Her Story

In this lively video, a speaker shares a personal story about rediscovering confidence through small life changes—like finding a push-up bra and reclaiming her weight. Her casual, conversational tone makes it perfect for practicing real-world English. She uses slang, humor, and relatable anecdotes, which mirror how people talk in daily life. Whether you’re learning to follow natural speech or want to sound more fluent, this dialogue is a goldmine for picking up authentic phrases.

5 Must-Learn Phrases for Daily Chats

"Elephant in the room": A common issue everyone notices but avoids. Example: "Let’s address the elephant in the room—we’re running late."
"Sloppy eating habits": Unhealthy or unstructured eating. Example: "I need to fix my sloppy eating habits and cook more."
"Prioritizing meal time": Making eating a key part of your routine. Example: "Prioritizing meal time helped me feel more energized."
"Thrilled with it": Extremely happy about something. Example: "I’m thrilled with my new job!"
"Reward myself": Treating yourself for a success. Example: "I aced the test, so I’ll reward myself with ice cream."

How to Shadow This Video Like a Pro

Shadowing—repeating speech aloud right after the speaker—is a game-changer for pronunciation and fluency. Here’s how to tackle this video: Step 1: Watch once to grasp the story. Step 2: Pause after 5-10 seconds, then repeat the speaker’s words, mimicking her tone and pace. She uses lots of emphasis (like "Woo!" and "oh my god")—copy that! Step 3: Focus on tricky phrases, like "scrawny" or "despise it," until they feel natural. Step 4: Record yourself and compare—you’ll notice progress fast!

This video’s casual style makes it ideal for shadowspeak practice. Use it to improve English pronunciation and get comfortable with everyday conversation. Remember, the best shadowing site is one that lets you practice with real videos—like this one! Learn English with videos, and you’ll be speaking more confidently in no time. You’ve got this—every repeat brings you closer to fluency!

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on	have been struggling · have been prioritizing
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	i've talked · i've struggled · have hated
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	are invested · is not defined · is understated
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	someone who loves · man who is · women who do

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: thoughts on sex // EP 78 - Learn English Speaking with Video

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