Shadowing Practice: Why We Choose the Partners We Choose - Learn English Speaking with Video

Welcome to You Make Sense.

This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom,

ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire.

Remember, you make sense.

All parts, always.

So in this episode, we're going to talk about why we choose the partners that we choose and how to choose differently.

I can tell you in the time I've been doing this work, which is a really long time, I get that question asked in every program

that i have we get dms about it all the time emails back from newsletters

so i'm really excited to have this episode

because i think it's going to be resonant for a lot of people

and maybe for you too now um i just want to

also name this isn't just about romantic partners it might be

why we choose the friends we choose why we choose the the people to work for

that we end up working for

and we're going to look at the patterns inside of

that choosing and then how to actually change that

so the first thing that's really important to understand is none

of this is a coincidence i think it's actually really a positive actually

because if it's not a coincidence that means

that there's a reason for it and

if there's a reason for it there's something

that we can do to change it and you're in luck

because that is actually the truth now the people

that we choose currently in our lives is a direct reflection

of what is going on in our database of past information

so So I know almost every episode I talk about the database at some point, because as I've said before, your nervous system is the foundation of everything.

So everything you do is informed by your nervous system and certainly by this database.

So we all have this internal database that has every lived experience we've ever had inside of it, including all of your relational experiences,

meaning how you were related to in your earliest childhood experiences

that really lays the blueprint for relationships

and also later relationships like maybe an ex partner

or a high school sweetheart or whatever they're all inside that database

so as you're deciding i'm going to step towards dating let's

say i really want to step towards this thing the threat detector neuroception is looking out into the world

and it's really the one who's looking for a partner for

you now the thing about neuroception is it's it's subconscious meaning you don't actually have control over it and so

when it looks for a partner for you um it's essentially

like your matchmaker it is first looking to the database

and it's saying well what intel do we have on what love is

so whatever you received beginning in your earliest childhood experiences

and then following that later that's going to be what your system decides love is even

if it wasn't loving at all that will be the baseline

and our nervous systems like what they know and in fact That's what your nervous system thinks love can be.

It doesn't know yet that it can be something different.

So if love meant not having your needs met, and maybe it meant being the good child,

so you took care of everybody else's needs, and you made sure everybody else was happy, and you adorned them with loving kindness,

and you couldn't really take up space or be seen.

And that's how you were loved.

And because of that, you were safe and maybe you even got positive reinforcement from that.

Maybe another component of it was you had to caretake.

So you had to physically make sure that your parents or your siblings were okay.

And then let's throw in perfectionism.

So maybe you had to be really perfect in the relationship in order for things to be okay.

So now we have three things that your threat detector is saying this is what love is.

It's having no needs, adorning others with your loving kindness.

It means being a perfectionist.

So getting things, everything right.

And it means being a caretaker.

And so that is the role that I play.

And that's what I am in relationships.

And then it also looks to, well, what are others in relationships?

So if others, the other people in a relationship were like, let's say a caregiver, was someone who was not very attentive.

Maybe they were a workaholic.

So they weren't around very often.

they didn't see you and they didn't meet your needs well then your system is saying well

that is the dynamic i'm used to and

that is all i know again of love

so as you begin to go out and date

and literally as you're looking on a dating app at people's

photos your threat detector is picking up on the most subtle cues to see

if if is this love or is this not love is this love

or is this not love

and remember it looks to the database to decide what love is so it's really looking for

a replica of your childhood or something close to that.

So that's why you might go, you know, on a date with somebody.

I'm going to continue with this person's example, this made up fictional person's example.

So this person goes on a date with somebody

and they're on this date and they're just adorning the person with kindness, right?

They're asking so many questions.

And let's say this person isn't really asking questions back.

They actually just really enjoy being centered

and they're answering all the questions and they haven't really engaged the other person

and there might even be moments where they look down at their phone they kind of disengage

when when she she or they are talking like I'm sharing something about myself

and they're kind of disengaged when I do

that they might even make a comment on

if I do something that's not exactly right like maybe I

use the wrong I use the salad fork instead of the dinner fork

and they make a joke that's not really a joke it's kind of like um underhanded

and unkind like oh that's do you have you never been to a restaurant like this

or something like that that touches on I have to be perfect right I'm getting it wrong

so they just touched on all the stuff from my childhood

and so what's going to occur is my threat detector is going to say that's what love is

and I'm going to be really drawn to that person because they're replicating what my system knows from my childhood

not because my system wants me to suffer and not experience the relationships i desire but

because our system's like what they know the second component is our system component is our system also um is

so brilliant it says well if i can can find a partner who's very similar

and if i can make them different then maybe i can heal the past

and and that's like a brilliant thing that our psyche is trying to do

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so this is why i'm gonna find myself being like oh my god this person is

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so attractive and I just want to make out with them

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and have sex with them and marry them and have babies with them.

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I just love this person.

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And you might even feel after one week, like they're your home.

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Like, I don't know.

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I just, I don't know how I'd ever live without them.

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I can't even imagine living without them.

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They just feel like they complete me.

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Well, that's because your system, it's not even about that person at all.

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Your system is being reminded of your childhood in that moment.

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And it's superimposing the past on the present.

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And if you were to go on a date with somebody who didn't replicate the blueprint of your childhood

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and maybe this other person you went on a date with

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was attentive they really wanted you to take up space

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so they wanted to see you they wanted you to open up

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and be vulnerable to them they wanted to meet your needs

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they were um you know adorning you with loving kindness your threat detector is gonna say i don't know what

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that is that isn't love and also not only that it overwhelms me

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it's overwhelming and

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and what's overwhelming for our nervous system the good things are often overwhelming for our nervous system

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because our nervous system is not used to it and

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so we'll find that to be in some ways unattractive

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and at you know the the far end

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which used to be me finding it almost repulsive part of the repulsion is well why are you being

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so kind to me because

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if my own caregivers did not treat me the way you are treating me there must be something wrong with you

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and so we can find them to be pathetic or unattractive etc and

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so what will happen is until we do our healing work we're going to find ourselves in similar situations again

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and again and again and again

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and i can tell you for myself in terms of romantic partnerships for me my romantic partnerships

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and i've said this in other episodes

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but from literally like the time in middle school

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that i had a boyfriend all the way up until being 25 essentially everyone

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but one person one very kind man uh

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when i was in high school but the rest of them uh

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because in case he ever listens to this i don't want him to think oh my gosh i was

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so nice to you what are you talking about uh

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but anyway again this is i've said this in another episode

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but i think it's it's so fun doing this

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because you're getting to hear a lot more from me than you do in a newsletter

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or on instagram um and i hope i hope that it that it's helping to support you to know me more

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anyway every single person that i dated replicated what was in my database

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which was i was abandoned as a kid i had a narcissistic parent um i wasn't safe

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and um i certainly wasn't given um you know loving kindness

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so all of the people that i dated replicated

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that there were people most of these people had a significant other like a girlfriend

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or whatever that i didn't know about and i never didn't know

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that at the beginning in fact every single one of them

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seemed like the most wonderful kind person at the beginning um

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but the beauty the amazing thing

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and it is beautiful about our threat detector is it picks up on the subtle cues

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so it was picking up on the all of those things subconsciously

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and then every single one of them replicated what my system was used to

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and again this was happening

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because my system was saying i like what i know this is all

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that i know love to be this is all that i deserve

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because this is all that i got and maybe

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if i can just make this one stay i'll be able to make the past different

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and that's what we're all doing and

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so often i hear people say um i just want to choose differently like how do i choose differently

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and the process of choosing differently does not happen by just

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getting i've heard some people people say I have a bad

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picker you don't have a bad picker you have a neuroceptive response that's replicating the past

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because that's all it knows the beautiful thing is we can actually change what's in

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that database which changes whom we pick and we're going to talk about

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that in a minute but the at the end of this podcast episode

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but the first thing

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that I want to talk about is the difference of love from choice versus love from survival

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and so many of us

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when we're in relationships we are choosing from a place of survival rather than a place of choice

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and here's why because our romantic partnerships mimic our earliest childhood experiences the most more than anything else

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and that means that they're the place where our young parts show up the most

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because they're reminded of the past which is why i don't know

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if you've ever felt this way but i sure have

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and i've heard a lot of people say this is you're feeling really great in your life

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and then you get into a relationship

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and you're like ah what's going on i don't know what

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my truth is i feel out of control i feel panicked i feel insecure i feel scared

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and small and ah this is

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not feeling good well that's because it is reminding your system of what you experience

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when you're young and

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that doesn't mean it's something we should run away from it's

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the opportunity for us to do a lot of healing but if

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if we're really identified with these younger parts they're really in

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our bodies then these young parts are going to be going

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after love from a place of needing to survive versus adult us being able to choose why is

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that because imagine being six years old in the world

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and being all alone you wouldn't be able to survive a six-year-old would really beautifully and adaptively say,

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well, I'd, I'd much rather have the parent that gives me breadcrumbs.

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And that is, you know, I feel invisible, but I have a safe home and there are another person there to make me feel safe.

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I'd much rather have that than be alone because I won't survive being alone.

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So if we're really identified with our younger parts, we'll, we'll really struggle to leave relationships that might not be for us.

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And so if you've ever had someone say to you, like, you're so amazing.

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Why are you in this? you deserve so much better, you got to leave.

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And you might think like, yeah, I know, but you can't.

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Well, that's an indicator that young parts are running the show.

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And there's no amount of telling yourself that you should be able to leave

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or other people telling you that's actually going to support you to be able to leave.

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What we need to do is work with these younger parts and reparent them.

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We have got episodes on parts work.

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And we do this by really creating the internal safety that we never got.

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So by regulating our nervous system, by internal co-regulation work, which I talk about in parts work episodes, so comforting and greeting those young parts,

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giving them what they never got in the present moment.

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And the more we do this, the more we actually create an internal home.

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So many of us, this was certainly my experience, I felt like I was always looking for home because I never had a home.

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And there isn't, for anyone who's experienced that, you know, there's not a word that can really explain what I'm saying.

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It's this deep feeling inside that I don't belong anywhere.

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And when we actually do this work with our younger parts, we create the home they never had.

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And now home is inside of us.

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And now I am safe with me.

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And the result of that is that now I get to choose people from a place of choice, meaning I don't need you.

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I am choosing you there's a really big difference between those two things

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and in that we become discerning so

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if i feel safe inside then i am really safe to

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you know think of dating dating friends dating romantic partners even

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um you know interviewing people you want to work for

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or with i'm really interviewing you meaning i am

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and i'm not under a microscope doing that um but i'm interviewing you meaning I'm looking at to see, are we compatible?

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Are there things that work?

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What doesn't work?

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Are the things that don't work things I can live with?

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Are there things that could be worked on?

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That's actually really healthy.

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And I've said this before, but we, society, Hollywood, really shows us that love is infatuation,

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meaning like, I just am obsessed with you and you're the best thing that ever could happen in the world.

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Infatuation is just a clue that a younger part, usually teenage parts are present and

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if i can make you this perfect person love me then maybe it will rescue me from my past

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and and and that's what we're really doing when we're infatuated with someone

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so healthy love is discerning healthy love is not infatuation

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and i used to think

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that love was infatuation i was just i was totally infatuated with people and thought that was love

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but it's a really a self-protective response

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so it can be um a little unexpected as you are

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coming into safe secure relationships meaning it can be different than what you might expect

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so the way that we i want to explain what

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that means but the way that we begin choosing differently and

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and and having partners um that reflect um the things we actually desire is we must give it to ourselves

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You can't just pick different because neuroception is subconscious.

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So that picker, your neuroceptive response, you can't have control over it.

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But what you can do is change what is in the database.

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So the more that you regulate your nervous system and then you do parts work where you create internal safety,

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you internally co-regulate and essentially give the younger parts the childhood they never got.

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Every time you do that through your love and compassion

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and your kindness and you're listening to your parts and

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and you're meeting their needs you imprint new experiences

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that essentially changes the blueprint and no longer is your blueprint one in

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which you don't get your needs met it's one in

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which you are safely seen and adored and loved fully

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and then your picker changes automatically and so now the people

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that i pick and i'm drawn to and attracted to replicate

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that it happens with ease and your internal world begins to

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or your brother your external world begins to match your internal world

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so it's not just about strategically picking different it's about embodying this now the other thing

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that i want to say is at first

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when you come into a safe secure attachment it's just not gonna feel good at first fully and

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that is normal we have to then after we've done all

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this work we then have to have the embodied experiences of safety

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and our nervous system has to build its capacity to be in

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that and for many of us

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when we've had love from survival it can feel really like

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a drug i think of it like where it can feel like we're drowning

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and i need you in order to survive

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so i'm drowning i'm drowning i'm drowning and i get you to come back

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and now you resuscitate me and you put me into your this boat

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that you have and oh my gosh you're the most amazing thing

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that ever happened i can't ever live without you

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because i'm going to drown without you

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and then i fall into the water again

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and i wait for them to rescue me and it's this exhausting process

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but that also feels a bit like a drug

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or a high every time i'm rescued

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so relationships like this can feel like big highs and lows

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and highs and lows and highs and lows and we can confuse

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that with love now

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when you come into a safe secure attachment for the first time somebody who's present

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and there and they're reliable and they love you

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and they show up and they want to know more of you

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and they're consistent it's kind of like just being in

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that boat so there's no more big waves there's no more you being resuscitated

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and drowning you're in this boat with them

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and the boat doesn't capsize it has some waves

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but it doesn't capsize

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and at first it can feel unsettling it can even feel unexciting at first

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and it's important to name that if you're noticing like going to date with someone

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and you kiss one person and you're like whoa there's

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so much electricity here a lot of times that is a clue

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that is replicating those childhood experiences if it feels like

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that kind of out of control thing it might be replicating the past

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if you notice that it feels you kiss someone else

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and it feels really nice it feels grounded and steady

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and beautiful and sweet that might be something to lean into

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that might be like the canoe that's really steady and

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if you're listening and saying i don't want a steady canoe i want exciting

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the good news is the more that you lean into that

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and your nervous system builds its capacity to receive healthy safe

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love the more it actually opens you up to not be self-protected in the dynamic

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and when that occurs we then experience really beautiful levels of excitement

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and eroticism and attraction that are that far supersede any of this drowning business

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that we've been doing prior

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and then it's not just like floating in the canoe now it's like maybe we go white water rafting together.

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Maybe we, you know, kayak down these big rapids.

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I don't want to ever do any of that.

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I'd rather be in a canoe, but you might want to do that.

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And what I mean is it just makes the relationship more exciting.

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It actually becomes the thing you're desiring, but we have to build our capacity to receive that safe, healthy love.

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And so I share that because so often I hear people say like, ah, well, I just don't feel excited in it.

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So yeah, it's not for me.

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And then they go back that habituated pattern over and over again

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and i also just don't want you to think

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that it means i'm going to be in this it's going to feel mundane uh

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or you know um not as fiery that's not true at all it can absolutely

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and will absolutely come to life in

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that way the more we build our capacity to hold this experience

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so it's really both of those things it's an inside job we create the the internal secure attachment.

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We become the home to ourselves.

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The result of that is you have all that evidence in your database and your picker picks different.

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Neuroception actually will bring to you.

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It is the best matchmaker you could have.

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It will bring to you the people that you deserve and you desire.

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And then you got to get into the relationship.

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And we have to build our capacity to receive that kind of consistency and love.

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And when we do, the fire becomes, you know, really ignited in a beautiful way.

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And it heals the past in the process.

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And this is possible for every single one of us.

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This was my journey, going from really unsafe relational experiences to having a beautiful relationship.

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And also this extends beyond that into friendships and work environments.

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If you find yourself working in chaotic environments all the time where your boss is always asking too much of you, well, that's a clue of a relational pattern.

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And when we do this work, all of that changes one tolerable step at a time.

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Not sure where to start with somatic healing?

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My free quiz, What's Keeping You Stuck, will equip you with a personalized guide and tangible trauma informed tools to help you regulate your nervous system.

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Check out the link in the show notes to get started.

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So now we're going to get to the Q&A section for this episode.

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We've got three questions that I think you're going to find to be really supportive for you too.

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Hi, Sarah.

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So I'm currently in a relationship since a year.

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And I'm really having a lot of strong, strong reactions to every little thing my partner does.

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Like small things like coming late from work or coming later

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or like not planning a date or like not inviting me to a friend's trip.

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There is really something that triggers me every day and I feel like it's so many topics,

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I don't even know where to start looking at this and I can literally not stop a physical reaction from happening.

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I either freeze or stonewall or I get really angry

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or I send a lot of angry texts

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and I do a lot of blaming

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and I have really no idea how to stop these reactions and take a step back and

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create some space to like see what's really underneath

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because it's a mixture of so many things it's so overwhelming

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so the reactions

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that we have in a relationship they always match some circumstance

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meaning as this person was saying uh she said very clearly

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or they said very clearly um they seem like small things

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that are happening but i'm having really big responses really simple question

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that you can ask yourself when you're in a relationship

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when you're getting triggered is not in the moment

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because the answer will always be yes in the moment

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but later to ask yourself did my reaction match the circumstance meaning did my reaction match what is happening today

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if the answer is no then we want to ask ourselves what does the reaction match

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or when is the first time i remember feeling this because

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if it doesn't match the circumstance that's a clue that our system is being reminded of something in the past.

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Remember, and we've said this in this episode, literally every other one, but it all goes back to that, that threat detector in the database.

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So if in the database that this person had experiences where they were harmed

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or they didn't get their needs met and they were chronically made to feel all alone and unloved,

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then anytime the partner, their partner does anything that reminds their threat detector, even in the most subtle way of those past things it's as

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if they've trapped now this person has traveled time and they are re-experiencing what they experienced when they were young

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and essentially what's occurring uh for you for this person

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that submitted this question but for anyone who experiences it

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if we could distill it down this part of you is feeling unsafe they're feeling really unsafe

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and what that part then will try to do is in their feeling of a lacking of safety

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because they don't have the internal safety,

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we can often try to control our partner or try to morph them into essentially the perfect parent.

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What I just said is very, very important to understand that for many of us, when we have young parts showing up in our relationships,

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and by the way, we all have young parts that show up in our relationships,

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those parts can often be looking for our partner to be a perfect human being to be the perfect parent

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that we never got but the truth is there are no perfect parents right

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so they're always going to get some things wrong and

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when the young parts are we're very identified with them

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or they're showing up a lot in our relationships it's going to feel just like this person described confusing

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and overwhelming and like a lot so what i want you to ask yourself is

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if the reaction doesn't match the circumstance in the moment

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and later you look at it our job is then to say what part of me is triggered

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or was triggered what did this remind me of when's the

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first time i remember experiencing this in my life this feeling

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and then i want you to ask yourself what about this

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makes this part feel unsafe what about them not inviting me to

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that thing or being late makes me feel unsafe

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because we want to get to the root of what's actually going on with this part

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and if we can find that what

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that is then we can meet the need of that part

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and help them to feel safe we first want to meet

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that need ourselves so what can i do to listen to this part of me

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and then support them myself and in creating internal safety

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and regulating my nervous system for that part

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and then you know in a healthy partnership i think of it like we're the primary parent to our parts

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and our partner is the secondary parent and we go to

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that our partner and say you know what i noticed

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when you're late it may it really triggers for me my parent who uh was emotionally neglectful it just triggers

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that and i man when i think about it i am really reminded of

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when i was eight years old i feel that

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so big in my body and so i'm wondering

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if maybe i'm gonna i'm gonna do my work on

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that meaning i'm going to work with that part

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and regulate i'm wondering if

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if you know you're going to run like can you mind just texting me i think

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that will help too or can you just remind me

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that you love me now all of

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that is asking them to be the secondary parent

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but what i'm not doing is asking them to rescue my younger parts

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and the more that we do this work both parts of it we have them support

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and we come to the aid of our parts

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and give them the safety that they're looking for the more

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that they see my partner is not my parent meaning they're not like my childhood parent they're different

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and i even do exercises when i'm doing parts work with people where

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i'll have them you know in their mind's eye invite in their partner like imagining them and show

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that young part how different the partner is from the parent like what traits about them are different

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so our young parts can start to see oh this is

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actually quite different than my childhood it's not the same thing

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and i just want to name that this is something

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that i felt so much in my life i want to normalize

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that for for this listener and for all of us

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and the more that we do both of those things the more

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that actually changes

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and then just adult us gets to show up in our relationships instead of our young parts being activated

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so much so let's go to the next question

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that we have today when i'm in relationships romantic relationships i tend to tense up

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when i like somebody and it's impossible for me to relax i always feel like i'm on the lookout

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for when i'll be left or abandoned do you have any techniques that could be

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useful like any somatic techniques that could help me

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when i feel locked in and frozen

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so what i want you to already see for everyone listening

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is look at the commonality here right the human experience is

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so much more similar than it is different what is occurring for this person too is

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that threat detector is looking to the database

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and it says what intel do i have on love love means you're abandoned

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so for this person there is something that happened in their life where they were

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emotionally abandoned physically abandoned maybe both and

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so their system is saying as they are leaning into romantic partnership essentially it's like the movie jaws dun

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and i don't have to do the same theme song for

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jaws you know it as they're leading into a relationship their

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system is saying oh this is going to happen again

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and i'm going to get abandoned again and i never want

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that to happen so their system is going to go into their sympathetic nervous system

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and it's going to say i need to prevent against this

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so we become hyper vigilant like how do i make sure

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that you're not leaving wait is this the sign you're leaving is this the sign you're going to abandon me

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and that's our younger part saying i don't want to ever experience this again

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so the way that we address this is it's an inside

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and outside job just like i said to the previous person

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we have to work on this this is a clue of an anxious attachment

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so my system is saying don't leave i need to make sure you don't leave

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so we need to work on creating internal safety

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and feeling safe with me so how do i show my system

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that well i have to develop the ability for self-regulation

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so consistently doing the neural exercises of regulating with myself

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and of course you can do this in a therapeutic container you can do it one of my programs

454

but but consistently building our capacity for regulation and internal safety

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so that the young parts of you can see you are safe with you

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that regardless if someone leaves i am going to survive

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that i'm going to be okay this goes back to

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when i was talking about love from choice versus love from survival

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when we have internal safety we can actually discern and choose and so that actually

460

relinquishes the grip I have on a relationship.

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I used to grip relationships and it can suffocate a relationship when we're gripping.

462

And of course, we come by that really well, right?

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It's not that we want to be doing that.

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It's because our system is saying, I need to make sure that I don't die, that you don't leave.

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So the more that we regulate our nervous system, the more we show our parts that we are safe with us, the more this shifts.

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The other thing that we want to really lean into is, you know we're supposed to have partners that help us

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and we're supposed to help our partners so letting them behind the curtain

468

and saying here's what's actually going on it isn't me trying to micromanage

469

or control you here's what's going on and here are some ways

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that i think it might be able to it might help

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to support my younger part like might be a words of affirmation

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or it might be them leaving you a note every day

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or on the days that they're going to go do something that's triggering for you

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or whatever all of that is them supporting your system to have greater safety

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so we're doing it ourselves and then we're asking them to do it as well

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and the more you do this and you create

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that internal attachment of i don't leave i never leave you

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younger parts i will always always always be here then it's actually okay

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if people leave i'm not saying it's easy

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if people transition from this life if people leave us it's very hard until there's

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so much grief but it's survivable i don't like I'm going to die.

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And that allows me, frees me up to be myself in the relationship.

483

And otherwise, what happens is we inhibit parts of ourselves in a relationship

484

and feel like I can only be certain versions of me because if I risk being all of me, you might go away.

485

So the more we do this work, the more we're freed up to be us.

486

And that's really what we're looking for.

487

Hey, Sarah.

488

So I've been wondering about my childhood and how it's impacted my relationships and attachment style.

489

I had a very abusive father who was extremely unpredictable and narcissistic,

490

but I had a wonderful mother who was always safe and she really tried her best.

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and she was the only safe person really for me.

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And so I'm just confused about how that combination could play in to my attachment style and how it impacted my relationships

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because, you know, on the one hand I experienced a lot of love and safety,

494

but then I experienced the complete opposite from my father.

495

So it would be great if you could touch on that.

496

So something that's important to understand is that we can be a combination of multiple attachment styles,

497

meaning you might be 20% securely attached and you might be 30% anxiously attached

498

and now i've given numbers that i don't know

499

that can't add up to 102 anyway the rest of the percentage might be avoidantly attached

500

so we can be a combination now with this person

501

if you had a safe mother um then then likely there is some secure attachment in there

502

and then with your father i don't know for you

503

because i don't know the full the full extent of what happened with him

504

but um i would guess either being disorganized

505

or avoidant meaning your system as a result of those experiences

506

with him uh him being um unpredictable could have the experience of i want people close

507

but when they're close i push them away because they're scary

508

but i want them close but when they're close i push them away

509

and i don't really know what my truth is in relationships

510

and i feel kind of comfortable in chaos and

511

and out of control um that's possibility

512

or being avoidant meaning i i shut down it's hard to let people close

513

because of that so we can have a combination now

514

that means that the person

515

that we're going to be in relationship with is going to

516

be both of those things not just one of them they're going to be safe

517

and secure and available to us and loving

518

and kind maybe like your mother was and then i might notice

519

that they um maybe they're a healthier version of of my father

520

and they you know they're quick to anger they get frustrated a lot

521

which feels overwhelming to me um or they they get agitated or snap at me sometimes

522

So then my system is going to respond to that just like it did in my childhood.

523

So not only here do we pick people who replicate our childhood experience, but we also respond to those people in the way

524

that we did in our childhood because that's what helped us to survive it.

525

So we're going to find ourselves responding in the same way.

526

One other thing I just want to name about this, and we'll get to this when we talk more deeply about parts work, but to be a good parent, you actually need two things.

527

a good parent is kind and loving

528

but a good parent is also ferociously protective

529

and i don't know this person's history of course but sometimes

530

when we have one parent who was loving very loving

531

and another parent who was unpredictable unkind maybe abusive in some

532

way the loving parent may not have had access to their own healthy aggression to protect us

533

or themselves to say you can't speak to them that way

534

or me that way and so the issue with

535

that is in order to feel safe with a parent they can't just be loving

536

and kind they also have to be ferociously protective of us

537

and be able to protect themselves and so when we didn't have

538

that it actually doesn't create the safety that we need

539

and we might find ourselves to feel unsafe in relationships as a result of

540

that so the work really is to become that for ourselves

541

that ferocious protector and that kind loving parent as well

542

but again what you'll find is the people

543

that you'll draw into your life will then be a culmination

544

of both of those things i also just want to name

545

that this this goes beyond romantic partnerships you might find

546

that um you know in in your work this shows up this this um the way

547

that you relate to other people to money and so on

548

and so forth um so it's it can be global far beyond um adjust a romantic partnership

549

so let's go to the last question we have here for this Hey, Sarah.

550

So I have taken navigating your nervous system and you make sense.

551

And I feel like I've gotten a very good understanding of my nervous system.

552

And I am much more regulated and I'm definitely starting to take steps towards finding connection connection.

553

However, I still am struggling with severe loneliness and severe,

554

I feel like I've taken all the right steps, but I still haven't found that community.

555

And you often say that healing is done in community and that you have to have that co-regulation in order to heal.

556

And so I sometimes get discouraged and think that I will never get better.

557

And I was going to see what advice you have for

558

that and if you could offer me any hope

559

so to this person I just want to say first to celebrate you what a big deal it is

560

that you have gone from feeling you know highly dysregulated to really feeling significant change

561

and and that is because of you that is the power of you

562

and your nervous system and your dedication to doing this work

563

and for people listening you know if you

564

if you have felt in your life like there is no

565

hope it's not going to get better I'm not going to feel better I hope

566

that this person just sharing

567

that first part of what they said instill some hope into you

568

and by the way the two programs that

569

that person named one is two months long

570

and the other is six weeks long

571

so it's not like they did this for two years

572

that is the type of change that happens

573

when you embody this work it's profound

574

so I celebrate you this person who shared that and

575

if you are able to do all of

576

that you most certainly are going to be able to step

577

towards deeper connection as well you know i want to normalize this

578

so for me i spent so much of my life really isolated

579

and and usually that's because along the way our system learned connection wasn't safe

580

so it's very challenging for us to lean lean towards

581

or connect with others and

582

so i just really want you to know you're not alone in

583

that and what we want to do is find tolerable amounts of connection, whatever they might be.

584

You know, it might start at first with listening to somebody who registers as safe for you, going into nature.

585

Nature is a profound regulating resource that supports deep, deep connection.

586

So really spending time being present in nature, connecting to the trees, the birds, everything that's around you.

587

Other things is when you go out into the world, or things are when you go out into the world really seeing

588

if you can lean into reaching out for connection

589

which by the way at first is kind of scary right to reach out

590

because if in the past when we reached out no one was there

591

or they were dangerous it's going to be challenging at first

592

and this literally looks like when you're on a walk saying hi to somebody

593

or going into a coffee shop and saying hello

594

or someone who's getting your coffee asking them how their day is all of these things show our nervous system

595

that connection is safe.

596

Those aren't small.

597

By the way, I do that all throughout my day.

598

Anytime I'm not at home working, I do that because I know that that's medicine.

599

It is literally medicine for you and it regulates your nervous system.

600

So I am one of those people that's saying hi to everybody

601

because I know the power of it because it's going to affect our nervous systems in a positive way.

602

And not only that, but it shows your nervous system

603

connection is safe the other thing is so

604

so those are those are titrated tolerable steps we want to take the other thing

605

that i want to name is as we heal when

606

and we begin to know deeper parts of ourselves what occurs

607

is people around us can only know the parts of us

608

that they know within themselves so you might have people in your life

609

but the more that you heal and embody this work the more

610

that you feel unseen by them because they can't possibly see the parts of you

611

that they don't see within themselves you might find this with your family

612

or current friends circles that you're in

613

and this doesn't mean you're doing it wrong it means

614

that um they can't meet you there if they haven't gone there yet

615

and so this is actually a really normal thing

616

that a lot of people experience as they heal certainly was something i experienced

617

and and and there can be moments in it not just moments they can last a

618

while where we feel like oh my gosh i don't have people

619

that understand me

620

so what we want to start doing is looking for where

621

where do my people hang out where do i want to

622

hang out you know in being in this is another benefit

623

of being in a group container healing container any kind of group program is

624

because you're connecting with other people who are embodying the work you're body they're embodying they're doing this work

625

and because of

626

that it will make you feel less alone it will make

627

you feel deeply seen you don't even have to be in person with people for this to happen

628

and then thinking about what other things light me up like

629

it could literally be um taking a watercolor painting class or a poetry class if if that's something that interests you, because there's going to be commonality there.

630

And the more that we can lean into that, the more our system sees, ah, this is safe.

631

And that actually snowballs.

632

And then you might meet one person who you're like, I think that person might be somebody I want to get to know deeper.

633

But I don't want you to get overwhelmed about this.

634

That would happen to me.

635

I would just feel like, oh my gosh, I don't have the relationships I want.

636

But it is all the things I named that allow us to build our capacity for connection and closeness, to be seen more and more,

637

and that snowballs into building a beautiful community that is going to surround you.

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Understanding the Why Behind Our Relationships

The video dives into a fascinating topic: why we choose the partners, friends, and even colleagues we do. It explains that these choices aren’t random—they’re rooted in our "internal database," shaped by childhood experiences and past relationships. This database, guided by our nervous system, acts like a subconscious matchmaker, drawing us to what feels familiar, even if it’s not healthy. The speaker emphasizes that recognizing this pattern is the first step to changing it, making the conversation both insightful and empowering.

Top 5 Phrases for Daily Communication

"navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment" – A great phrase to describe living intentionally.
"direct reflection of" – Useful for explaining connections between actions and underlying causes.
"subconscious meaning you don't actually have control over it" – Helps clarify automatic processes.
"lay the blueprint for" – Perfect for talking about foundational influences.
"take up space or be seen" – A powerful way to discuss self-expression in relationships.

Step-by-Step Shadowing Guide for This Video

Practicing with this video? Try the shadowing technique to boost your English speaking practice and pronunciation. Here’s how: Step 1: Listen to 10-second clips and repeat immediately, mimicking the speaker’s tone and rhythm. Notice how she stresses words like "database" and "neuroception" to emphasize key points. Step 2: Focus on phrases with pauses, like "it's not a coincidence that means that there's a reason for it," to master natural flow. Step 3: Record yourself and compare it to the video—this helps spot areas to improve. For extra practice, use a shadowing site to slow down tricky sections. Remember, shadowing isn’t just about repeating; it’s about training your brain to think and speak in English. With time, you’ll notice your pronunciation and confidence grow, making daily conversations feel more effortless.

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
“Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true	used to it · used to be · used to think
Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on	I've been doing · we've been doing · I've been wondering
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	I've said · haven't really engaged · i've heard
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	is informed · were related · be seen

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

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