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1
I struggled against the ropes, feeling the chair roll slightly beneath me.
2
A cold breeze hit my face, and even my toes felt cold.
3
Wait, were my shoes off?
4
Hello?
5
Is anyone there?
6
If this is a prank show, you guys took it way too far!
7
Suddenly, the blindfold was yanked from my face, and I realized I was on a rooftop with no boundary walls!
8
And standing before me was a tall woman, smiling like she was about to enjoy torturing me.
9
Josie Hart.
10
So you're Alexander Kingston's new girlfriend.
11
Though I cannot understand why he dates so beneath his league.
12
Uh, yeah, I get why you're confused.
13
I really do.
14
But that's no reason to kidnap me.
15
We can discuss this on the ground floor of a really nice cafe.
16
My treat.
17
AAAAAAAAAAAA!
18
My heart jumped into my throat as she kicked my chair closer to the edge!
19
How much do you love Alexander?
20
Oh my god, are you one of his exes?
21
I swear, I don't love him, and I know he doesn't even like me!
22
We're just pretend dating!
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Pretend dating?
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Yes!
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Completely fake!
26
Why would he date me for real?
27
I'm no one important!
28
I can't even pass the bar exam!
29
I failed three times!
30
Yes, I did a background check.
31
I know you're a loser.
32
Also, you're just as heavy as you look in your pictures.
33
I thought the camera was adding ten pounds.
34
Look, you obviously don't relate, but some of us eat carbs when we're stressed.
35
Like, I could really use a family-sized bag of chips right now- AHHHHHH!
36
Please stop!
37
Why are you ruining your lovely Gota Buzz kicking me around?!
38
My.. what?
39
You know, your Godobas?
40
My sister has the same designer heels.
41
I'd hate for you to scuff them.
42
Okay, I'm shutting up.
43
Just tell me what you want.
44
Josie, since you're suddenly Alexander Kingston's new sweetheart, fake or real, I don't care.
45
You're going to help us retrieve something from him.
46
Something?
47
Like his soul?
48
His dignity?
49
He lost that to Momin' he met me.
50
Lolz.
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No. He recently bought an artifact at an auction that once belonged to our family.
52
And it holds something very important to us.
53
What?
54
Sentimental value?
55
Sorry.
56
Humor is my coping mechanism.
57
She smiled coldly, then gave my chair another nudge.
58
My feet dangled over the rooftop's edge.
59
Oh my god, I'll get the artifact!
60
I'll rob him blind!
61
I'll even lose ten pounds to let me die!
62
I haven't arranged anyone to clear my browser history and please don't let my family find my body in these stockings!
63
Wondering how I ended up like this, literally hanging on to dear life?
64
Let me rewind and show you exactly how I became the Mafia's most unimpressive hostage.
65
Not that my life's been smooth sailing before this, but things seriously started spiraling last month.
66
The morning I had my third attempt at the bar exam.
67
And it's not like I'm dumb or something.
68
It's just that whenever I'm under pressure, my brain decides to take a hike.
69
That morning, I jolted awake to total silence,
70
instantly realizing my alarm didn't go off because Lord Voldemow had drowned my phone in his water bowl.
71
Why do you hate me?
72
I picked you up from the garbage and made you a prince.
73
I grabbed my bag and bolted out the door.
74
Of course, I missed the bus, stole my seven-year-old neighbor's tricycle, pedaled furiously to the exam venue, and still didn't make it on time.
75
The security guard just wouldn't let me in.
76
Please, I'm begging you.
77
I'll name my firstborn after you.
78
Actually, I can change Lord Voldemiao's name today.
79
He just stared at me like I was crazy and walked off.
80
As I sank to my knees in despair, I noticed a guy approaching me with a smile.
81
Oh god, he's cute.
82
This fell out of your bag.
83
Can you please just walk away and pretend you never met me?
84
As if I hadn't had enough humiliation for a year, the next evening, I had Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
85
My very accomplished, very overachieving family.
86
Okay, everyone.
87
Let's take turns saying what we're thankful for.
88
Please just let the turkey explode or something.
89
I'm thankful your father and I just completed our groundbreaking anti-aging research on mice.
90
In a few years, we'll look young enough for people to mistake Josie for our mom.
91
My older sister Emily smiled smugly.
92
I'm thankful I got to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and going to space this year.
93
They say the sky's the limit, but clearly it's not.
94
Cousin Ava chirped in next.
95
I'm thankful I married the love of my life in a magical castle wedding in Scotland.
96
Fairy tale dreams do come true.
97
Next, my brother Lucas announced...
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I'm thankful that Forbes listed me in their 30 under 30 again.
99
Oh, for crying out loud.
100
Then everyone turned to me.
101
I'm thankful that this is the year I decided to grow my own herbs.
102
The parsley and basil keep dying on me, but the mint is thriving!
103
I have it with my instant noodles, my eggs, of course it's great with chocolate, makes good tea, and...
104
I have minty fresh bread all the time!
105
Josie, honey, your time will come too.
106
Thanks, Dad.
107
You make me sound like an avocado waiting to ripen.
108
Speaking of unripened avocados, we heard you tanked the bar exam again.
109
How did that remind you of that?
110
Anything interesting going on in your love life to distract you from your career failures?
111
As everyone stared at me, I felt my cheeks and neck burning.
112
Just then, I spotted the muted TV behind Dad's head.
113
Alexander Kingston was on screen, smiling and shaking hands at some charity gala.
114
He was the billionaire heir who had just returned to town to take over his family's luxury hotel empire.
115
My best friend Mia who worked as a secretary in his office was swooning over him like 24-7.
116
And suddenly, words I didn't know my brain had decided on flew out of my mouth.
117
Oh, actually, yes.
118
I am dating someone.
119
And it's pretty serious.
120
It's him.
121
Him who?
122
Josie, imaginary boyfriends are only cute when you're five years old.
123
Him, Alexander Kingston.
124
I was both thrilled and a little offended at the disbelief on everyone's faces.
125
The guy on TV right now?
126
Yep, that's my boyfriend.
127
My very serious boyfriend of three months.
128
Mia works for him.
129
She introduced us.
130
They've been keeping it on the down low, cause he's a public figure, so keep it to yourselves for now.
131
But I'll send pictures of us in the family group chat.
132
Surely I could bribe Mia into getting me a few chummy selfies with him?
133
Uhhhh, wow.
134
Can't wait.
135
Also, I'm visiting your town next week.
136
I'd love to meet him!
137
Even better!
138
He'd love to meet you too!
139
Oh god, what had I just done?
140
Of course, the next logical step was to fall on my knees and beg Mia for help.
141
Josie, it's not like he's the cute barista down the street.
142
He has bodyguards, and he already has a restraining order against a stalker.
143
Mia, I know I messed up, but my psychotically perfect family has a way of pushing me over the edge!
144
And what happens when Emily turns up next week?
145
Well, I'll just have to dump him by then, won't I?
146
We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
147
Right now, I have to show them something.
148
Or look like an even bigger loser for lying!
149
Ugh, fine.
150
The event photographer at Alexander's Gala tomorrow called in sick.
151
I can give you her badge.
152
Please don't make me lose my job and just act normal for once.
153
Oh please.
154
Normal is my middle name.
155
Okay, it's actually Lauren, but close enough, right?
156
I promise, I'll be the picture of normalness.
157
The next evening, I was wobbling around the glamorous gala in a gown, lugging a camera I borrowed from my neighbor.
158
I just had to inch my way close to Alexander, take his pictures, and then request a few selfies.
159
I could act convincingly, like I was covering the event.
160
How hard could it be?
161
I aimed the camera at a couple having a heated discussion, and snapped a series of blinding photos.
162
Excuse me?
163
Does it look like I want the moment my marriage is falling apart to be captured on camera?
164
Oh, I am so sorry.
165
You're just so photogenic when you're frowning.
166
Carry on.
167
I quickly turned away and snapped another random picture, startling an elderly man and causing his drink to spill down his tux.
168
Oops, my apologies.
169
Great shot though.
170
Very fluid and dynamic.
171
Realizing my lens was smudged, I decided to clean it.
172
And then I accidentally set the flash off in my face.
173
I staggered backwards, then tripped on my gown and crashed into someone, pushing us both straight into a 12-foot flower arrangement.
174
Before I could catch my breath, I was lifted off the ground by men in suits.
175
And I realized the person I'd crashed into was Alexander Kingston.
176
A moment later, I found myself seated in a back room, Alexander glaring at me.
177
What's the name of your agency?
178
I swear I'm gonna fire that secretary of mine!
179
No, no, please don't.
180
I found out the photographer hired for the event was sick, and I stole her badge.
181
Why?
182
Who are you, the paparazzi?
183
I need to know who sent you.
184
I...
185
I sent myself.
186
Listen, I'm Josie Hart, and I just need a couple of selfies with you, where you need to look like you're rather fond of me.
187
Even in love, maybe?
188
So you can't be glaring at me the way you are right now.
189
What?
190
See, this is all because my mother is Benjamin Button, and my dad called me an unripe avocado, and my sister's an actual astronaut, my cousin's a Disney princess,
191
and my brother is Elon Musk, And all I've got is enough mint to start a toothpaste factory, a garbage cat, and a pretend billionaire boyfriend.
192
And that's sort of for you coming, you lucky guy.
193
Pretend boyfriend?
194
I may have accidentally told my family we were dating.
195
Just a little bit.
196
And you picked me?
197
Because you have a crush on me or something?
198
No. Your face was on the TV screen at that moment.
199
Trust me, it was exactly as random as all of this sounds.
200
You're insane.
201
Really?
202
No one's ever said that to me before.
203
He turned away and walked over to his bodyguards, saying something to them in hushed tones which made me even more nervous.
204
Eventually, he came back and sat down opposite me.
205
Fine, Josie Hart.
206
I'll be your boyfriend.
207
Uh, you'll what now?
208
So the thing is...
209
My ex-fiancé dumped me a few months ago.
210
Wow, that's rough.
211
I guess we're both losers.
212
Heh heh heh.
213
Heh.
214
No. Only I'm a loser.
215
Here's the deal.
216
I'll be your fake boyfriend.
217
And you'll help me show her I've moved on.
218
It'll be extra intriguing for her thinking it's someone like you.
219
What was that supposed to mean?
220
Nothing good, I was certain.
221
Are you serious?
222
Completely.
223
Think you can walk back into the party without tripping over your face?
224
We're really doing this right now?
225
That's why you came, isn't it?
226
Are you in or out?
227
My heart was hammering as Alexander led me back to the gala.
228
The room felt quiet.
229
Hundreds of curious eyes on us.
230
Sorry about the interruption earlier, everyone.
231
Allow me to officially introduce my girlfriend, Josie Hart.
232
A talented event photographer.
233
We've been keeping our relationship very private up till now, so my security team tonight mistook her for an assailant.
234
As you can see, she has a habit of crashing into things.
235
And that's how we met a few months ago, when she crashed into me and spilled her coffee all over my favorite suit.
236
The crowd laughed and started talking excitedly.
237
And suddenly, there were cameras flashing everywhere.
238
I plastered on a smile, hoping I didn't look as nauseous as I felt.
239
You're smiling like the freaking Joker.
240
Just act normal.
241
I wish I understood what that means.
242
Oh, one more thing, Josie.
243
Please don't go and fall in love with me, okay?
244
Like I'm that cliched.
245
He smirked and placed a hand on my back, making my heart skip a beat.
246
Get a grip, girl!
247
The moment Alexander publicly declared me his girlfriend, my life turned into a media frenzy.
248
Within hours, every news outlet was obsessed with my awkward,
249
deer-in-the-headlights expression, and my phone nearly exploded from nonstop messages from my family,
250
congratulating me like I'd won the Nobel Peace Prize.
251
And Mia showed up the next evening at my apartment looking frazzled.
252
Seriously?
253
Your fake billionaire boyfriend got you bodyguards already?
254
I had to answer ten personal questions about you before those trolls let me into the building.
255
I answered six of them wrong by the way.
256
Those guys are idiots.
257
Sorry Mia, I've had paparazzi following me everywhere.
258
Things have gone completely nuts.
259
I swear, it's not my fault.
260
You literally crashed his gala and then crashed into him.
261
This is entirely your fault.
262
The next morning, an entire glam squad invaded my tiny apartment.
263
Apparently, Alexander's PR team insisted I needed a makeover, which was very painful.
264
Hours later, strapped into couture tighter than a vacuum-sealed frozen turkey, I waddled toward Alexander when he came to pick me up for the next event.
265
Wow, you look different.
266
Good?
267
Different?
268
It better be after all the hell I've been through.
269
Yeah, you look good, but there was nothing wrong with you before.
270
Did he really mean that?
271
Pfft, doubt it.
272
I took a deep breath, or at least I tried, wondering how I'd managed to trade my simple life for suffocating clothes,
273
glamorous parties, and national scrutiny.
274
Though, it didn't feel half bad being on the arm of someone like Alexander.
275
He was smart, charming, confident, and he could give Henry Cavill a run for his money.
276
His smile was as bright as Emily's future, and his eyes deeper than my regrets after eating a whole cheesecake.
277
If Mary Poppins pulled out her measuring tape for him, he would measure practically perfect in every way.
278
This guy didn't have a weakness.
279
Boy, was I wrong.
280
Ow, Alexander!
281
You're crushing my ring finger!
282
You know, I might need it one day, despite my family's doubts.
283
I'm so sorry, it's just that.. well.. gosh, Serena's here.
284
I followed his gaze to a girl, who was a dreamy vision in Lilac Chiffon.
285
Of course his ex looked like America's next top model.
286
And he looked like a pale, sweaty loser right now.
287
Oh god, she saw me, she's coming this way.
288
Jane, what do I say?
289
What do I do?
290
What's happening to my voice?
291
It's Josie.
292
And please, wipe that sweat off your upper lip, clear your throat, and be cool.
293
Is calling a girl shorty still cool?
294
Like, Hey shorty!
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Or more like, Hey shorty.
296
Please don't say that to anyone.
297
Ever.
298
Up close, Serena was even more poreless.
299
She just ignored me as she swooped in to kiss Alexander on the cheek.
300
And then fixed his collar.
301
Alexander, you look good.
302
The shade of blue always did bring out your eyes.
303
Uh, thank you.
304
You look great in lilac too.
305
Well, I don't know if there's a color you wouldn't look good in.
306
Lime yellow.
307
She would look like she has jaundice.
308
You're welcome, babe.
309
Hi, Sabrina!
310
I'm Josie, Alexander's girlfriend.
311
It's Serena. And really?
312
I just thought it was a paparazzi scandal.
313
I mean, wow, that's surprising.
314
So, how did you two meet?
315
Well, like all good stories, ours starts from a mental asylum, too.
316
Haha, she doesn't mean that.
317
She's not really crazy.
318
I didn't mean I'm from a mental asylum.
319
I'd just gone to the mental asylum to see my Aunt Hilda, like I do weekly.
320
And the staff told me she'd somehow managed to run away.
321
And I had to go to the police station to file a report.
322
But on the way, I stopped for a caramel latte.
323
And then, it hit me.
324
Uh, you figured out where your aunt went?
325
No, a ball hit me.
326
Some kids were playing in the coffee shop and it hit me on the back of my head.
327
I lost my balance and fell straight into someone's arms.
328
Guess who that was?
329
I'll give you a hint.
330
It's not Aunt Hilda.
331
I'm guessing it was Alexander.
332
Ten points for Selene.
333
Yes, that's how we met.
334
And we've been inseparable ever since.
335
Right.
336
Well, you're very unique, Josie.
337
Not Alexander's usual type.
338
Maybe he was looking in all the wrong places before.
339
Because we're definitely soulmates.
340
We love all the same things.
341
We practically finish each other's...
342
Uh, sentences?
343
No, silly.
344
Sandwiches!
345
You know, those sandwiches you love, but you can never finish them, so I have to eat yours too?
346
Oh yeah!
347
I'm so lucky I never have to feel guilty about wasting food again.
348
Well, Alexander, I hope we can catch up some more soon.
349
She squeezed his arm gently and gave him a look before walking away.
350
Well, someone's regretting dumping you now.
351
You're welcome.
352
Oh, thank god.
353
I wasn't just imagining it.
354
She was flirting with me, right?
355
Josie, this is fantastic!
356
I think I have a chance with her!
357
You want her back?
358
I thought you just wanted to rub your relationship in her face.
359
Like a mature adult?
360
Yes, and if she's jealous, it means she still cares about me!
361
And you just saw her, right?
362
Why wouldn't I want her back?
363
Ugh, why were men so dumb?
364
And, as luck would have it, Serena was seated at our table.
365
Well, practically seated in the lap of a very good-looking, very Italian guy at our table.
366
No, babe, it's pronounced Cupcake.
367
Ah, Coo-p-cake.
368
Has anyone ever told you that you're just too cute?
369
Alexander pulled me close to him and brushed some hair away from my ear.
370
Please smile like I'm whispering sweet nothings to you.
371
Now listen, there's no way she's dating that guy for real.
372
She's just trying to make me jealous after seeing us together.
373
It's working, so keep acting like the world's most affectionate girlfriend, okay?
374
Seriously?
375
Weddings are just so romantic.
376
Babe, do you remember that magical sunset in Capri when we kissed for the first time?
377
Boo-boo!
378
Do you remember that time we watched that sunset on YouTube because we were too busy cuddling on the couch?
379
And what was it?
380
Our tenth kiss?
381
Serena definitely looked annoyed.
382
And then she started feeding Lorenzo chocolate-covered strawberries.
383
I shoved a breadstick in Alexander's mouth.
384
Who started choking?
385
You make every day feel like Valentine's Day.
386
I feel so loved.
387
You make every day feel like, uh, Thanksgiving.
388
I feel stuffed and sleepy.
389
Lorenzo gave me this bracelet of rare blue diamonds.
390
When they catch the moonlight, they reflect constellations that can only be seen from his family's private villa in Tuscany.
391
Wow, fancy!
392
Alexander gave me this watch from Target.
393
If you press this button, it lights up neon green.
394
And if I angle it just right, it blinds pigeons.
395
That's your own watch, Josie.
396
They don't know that!
397
Suddenly, Serena rose from the table and glided over to the wedding band, grabbing the mic.
398
There's so much love in the air tonight, and I can't help getting caught up in it.
399
I want to dedicate a song to the guy in my life, my handsome Italian boyfriend, Lorenzo.
400
I rolled my eyes, but her annoyingly pitch-perfect rendition of I Will Always Love You had the whole crowd in tears.
401
As the applause died, Serena gave me a look that made my blood run cold.
402
Oh no. And now I'd like to ask my friend Josie to sing something for the man in her life.
403
Oh no, no. I can't.
404
Josie, you have to, please.
405
I walked over to the mic with jelly legs.
406
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.
407
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers.
408
Dreamin' bout the day when you wake up to find What you lookin' for has been here the whole time Uh,
409
yeah, you belong to me My face burned as I saw guests visibly cringing When I stopped,
410
there was complete silence And I dropped the mic and ran off As I caught my breath outside the wedding hall, Alexander came out too Hey,
411
it wasn't that bad Honestly, it was cute...ish.
412
Oh shut up, Alexander.
413
I sounded like a dying seagull.
414
You made me make an absolute fool of myself.
415
Do you think Serena's impressed with your idiot girlfriend?
416
I'm sorry, I really thought...
417
Thought what?
418
If you made Serena think you'd moved on with some loser, you'd have her attention again?
419
How pathetic are you?
420
Chasing after someone who broke your heart and is still playing games with you?
421
Or are you so blind that you can't even see it?
422
Listen.
423
Which one is it?
424
Pathetic or blind?
425
Josie.
426
No!
427
You can go embarrass yourself chasing Serena.
428
I won't stick around to be humiliated anymore.
429
Before he could respond, I stormed off.
430
As my heels clicked furiously on the pavement, I barely had time to notice the black van screeching to a halt beside me.
431
The door suddenly opened, and a pair of arms yanked me inside.
432
Then suddenly, everything went dark.
433
And when I regained consciousness, I found myself hanging off a rooftop with my life flashing before my eyes.
434
After which, I was dragged down into a room with expensive villain-layer vibes.
435
I was seated at a table, and the woman sat opposite, placing a file in front of me.
436
Open it.
437
Oh, cool!
438
Is this your scrapbook of people you've murdered and enjoy revisiting in your free time?
439
Cause, same girl, same!
440
When I came across a photo of a shiny jewel-encrusted egg straight from a fairy tale, she placed a blood-red fingernail on it.
441
This.
442
This is what I want.
443
Okay, but why would Alexander even buy this?
444
Because that is a one-of-a-kind Fabergé egg, crafted for royalty wants, worth over $30 million,
445
and currently holds a drive with information that could destroy a lot of powerful people.
446
And Alexander knows about this drive?
447
Highly unlikely.
448
He probably just bought it because it's expensive and shiny.
449
God, rich people are wild.
450
We don't know where Alexander's keeping it, so who better to find it for us than his girlfriend?
451
You have one week.
452
Okay, but like, I'm not very.. competent.
453
There's a high chance I'll trip up.
454
Literally. And figuratively.
455
Josie, what do you want from life?
456
Uh, you mean existentially?
457
Like inner peace, a sense of purpose, that kind of thing?
458
Or more practically, like a personal jacuzzi, soft serve machine, affordable skincare?
459
You get me that egg, and I'll make sure you pass that bar exam.
460
I have an exceptional skincare line too.
461
You can get free supplies for life.
462
Seriously?
463
You don't.
464
And we kill your whole super cool overachieving family.
465
And then you, slowly.
466
Okay, that escalated fast.
467
But also, wow, really motivating.
468
By the way, is there a name?
469
I can call you by?
470
Sure.
471
Black Orchid.
472
Cool.
473
You can call me Blue Spinster.
474
I don't know why I said that.
475
Josie's fine.
476
And ten minutes later, I was dumped behind a taco truck.
477
So, I had seven days to betray my fake boyfriend I may or may not be developing feelings for,
478
steal an invaluable egg, and somehow not die in the process.
479
Easy peasy.
480
Alexander turned up the next day at my apartment with a cheesecake and an apology.
481
I may be a fool for Serena, but I should never have pushed you the way I did.
482
I overreacted too.
483
I mean, this was the deal, right?
484
Being your fake girlfriend to make your ex jealous.
485
Yeah, but we can end this if it's too much for you.
486
Oh, no. I'm fine.
487
I'll have a lot of disappointment to face when my family finds out this relationship has ended.
488
But maybe we can keep it up a little longer?
489
Or.. just don't ask me to sing in public again.
490
Not even in private.
491
Just a week more, and I'd be out of his life for good.
492
Knowing how hung up he really was over Serena, I knew I had to guard my feelings and just keep my eye on the ball.
493
The egg, I mean.
494
I had free access to Alexander's mansion, and while I went there under After the pretense of taking a dip in the pool or relaxing in his home theater,
495
I took every chance I could to snoop around.
496
And after three days of exploration, I knew he owned more cashmere sweaters than anyone could ever need,
497
only had books about how to become a successful person, and like all rich people, loved horses.
498
But no egg in sight.
499
I still had to explore the study where he held his meetings.
500
So one evening when he was out of town, I snuck in.
501
I was going through the cupboards when my phone started ringing loudly.
502
Gosh, what is this volume?
503
Lord Voldemow's work, of course.
504
It was Emily calling.
505
Ew.
506
Hey, Em.
507
Hi, Josie.
508
Mom, Dad, and I just landed in town for a conference, and we'd love to meet your boyfriend.
509
We're free tomorrow evening.
510
Does that sound good?
511
Uh, I guess.
512
Just let me check with Alexander.
513
Well, I've made a reservation at a trendy new French bistro for seven tomorrow, so see you both there.
514
Then why'd you even ask?
515
But she'd already hung up.
516
I took a deep breath and refocused on my mission.
517
As I had my head stuck up the fireplace, I suddenly heard loud voices from the hallway outside.
518
One of them definitely sounded like Alexander.
519
He wasn't supposed to be back till midnight.
520
I had no time to hide!
521
Oh god, think of any excuse, dummy!
522
Just then, the door burst open, and in jumped Alexander Kingston!
523
Wearing a velvet cape, a shiny breastplate on his bare chest, and a full VR headset on his face...
524
Who dares enter the realm of Zorglord, Defender of the Sky Kingdom?!
525
He swung his fake sword around aggressively, and impaled a poor Ficus.
526
Okay, so I was right in front of his face, and he had no idea I was here?
527
I wasn't used to such incredible luck.
528
I tiptoed to the door and was almost there, when suddenly, he came charging straight at me!
529
And before I could dodge him, he crashed into me and we were both on the ground!
530
Owww!
531
I think I've cracked a rib.
532
Josie, what the heck are you doing here?
533
What are you doing here?
534
You said you were out of town!
535
And seriously, what are you doing, Zorg Lord?
536
It's a stress relief program recommended by my therapist.
537
Level 3?
538
Battle for the Sorcerer's Amulet?
539
Cool therapist.
540
Love the costume too.
541
That breastplate is so shiny and so plastic.
542
It's a fully immersive experience.
543
Ugh, okay fine.
544
I'm into cosplaying and video games.
545
It helps me blow steam.
546
And I really needed it today.
547
Serena messaged in the morning about wanting to meet.
548
I've just been so nervous that I cancelled everything and decided to relax at home.
549
Can you please forget everything you just saw?
550
There it was.
551
That pang I felt hearing Serena's name.
552
Trust me, I'm gonna go home and stick my head in the microwave or something.
553
Um, listen, I kinda have a favor to ask.
554
My family's in town and they want to have dinner with us tomorrow.
555
Of course I'll be there.
556
have a ribbon-cutting gala or a yacht launching ceremony or...
557
Comic-Con?
558
I'm available, Josie.
559
See you tomorrow, and don't tell anyone about this.
560
Your secrets are safe with me, oh mighty killer of ficuses and defender of the sky realms.
561
I was almost at the mansion gate when I realized I'd left my bag in the study.
562
I went back for it, and that's when I saw it.
563
Alexander was at the far end of the study, standing in front of a sleek panel I hadn't noticed before.
564
Suddenly, a small circle lit up and beeped as it scanned his eye.
565
Then a click.
566
A smooth, dark wooden door opened, and Alexander stepped inside.
567
And I decided to leave without my bag.
568
Seriously?
569
A retinal scan?
570
How was I supposed to get in there?
571
I had to postpone thinking about it for another day, because I had that family dinner to get through.
572
They seemed super impressed by Alexander, but I knew they'd find ways to put me down soon enough.
573
You should get appetizer number two, Josie.
574
You always loved that one, remember?
575
I knew exactly what she was doing.
576
You get it, M.
577
But it's your favorite.
578
Go on, order it.
579
Fine.
580
We'll have the char-char-cut-chur-y-chaka-chur-tiri board.
581
Some things never change.
582
Josie's tongue always did get tangled over the simplest things.
583
Honestly, I couldn't pronounce it for years either.
584
Once at a business dinner, I asked for the shark cutie platter.
585
And the waiter stared at me like I'd requested a raw dolphin.
586
As we all laughed, Alexander squeezed my hand under the table.
587
I really have to say, Alexander, you're the most normal guy she's ever dated.
588
Josie has such a unique dating history.
589
Remember that magician, Josie?
590
What was his name?
591
Danny, the disappearing boyfriend.
592
Oh, and that clown who made balloon animals?
593
Besides the fact that he had no future, I liked him.
594
Speaking of no future, Josie, are you thinking about taking the bar exam again?
595
You should, honey.
596
They say fourth time's the charm.
597
No, Dad.
598
The third time's the charm.
599
And well, that's passed.
600
You know, you should think of a career change.
601
I mean, it's not like your career's even started yet, right?
602
Alexander set his fork down on his plate a little too hard.
603
Josie's one of the smartest people I've ever met.
604
And she knows what she's doing with her life.
605
You all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with her.
606
Which I kind of get, I'm obsessed too.
607
I feel lucky she picked me out of all the billionaires in the world.
608
I almost choked on my drink.
609
Yeah, it was between you and that prince from Monaco, but he didn't have the waffle station in his kitchen.
610
See?
611
Josie knows exactly what she wants and isn't afraid to go for it.
612
If I wasn't already halfway in love with Alexander, that dinner might have pushed me over the edge.
613
The only thing standing in my way now was Serena, a retinal scan, a Fabergé egg, and a mafia woman who was dressed to kill.
614
Oh god, what was she doing here?
615
She gestured at me to come outside.
616
I made an excuse to go to the bathroom and joined her and her goons across the street.
617
Way to blend in, guys.
618
You look like the Grim Reaper's PR team.
619
We just came from a man's funeral.
620
Beautiful ceremony.
621
Cosket stayed closed.
622
For good reason.
623
Wonderful.
624
I'm sure he didn't suffer.
625
Not for long, anyway.
626
Uh, okay.
627
So, progress update.
628
I think I might know where that Faberge egg is.
629
I discovered a hidden room in his study, but it requires his retinal scan.
630
The Mafia woman drew out a Swiss army knife from her bag and tossed it to me.
631
That's easy.
632
Just take his eyeball out.
633
You know, I mean no disrespect, but your sense of humor is terrible.
634
She smiled and reached into her bag again, this time tossing me a sling device.
635
This is a portable retinal scanner.
636
Just hold it close to his eye without him noticing.
637
That's.. not even the weirdest thing I've done this month.
638
Good girl.
639
Oh, and Josie, you're doing so well.
640
Don't make us go to more funerals.
641
Later, after we'd said goodbye to my family, Alexander and I took a walk around the block.
642
So, tough crowd.
643
I understand why you lied about dating a billionaire now.
644
Right?
645
They really know how to push my buttons.
646
Thank you for everything you said today.
647
I didn't know you could be so charmingly passive-aggressive.
648
Didn't say anything I didn't mean.
649
Except for the charcuterie part.
650
As you can see, I can pronounce it just fine.
651
Didn't doubt that for a second.
652
As he smiled at me warmly, I felt my heart sink.
653
It was getting so much harder to steal from him.
654
I didn't sleep a wink that night, trying to think of ways I could casually scan Alexander's eyeball.
655
But the universe must have taken pity on me, because the next morning, Mia called.
656
Alexander's sick, like full-blown flu, delirious with fever kind of sick.
657
He just called to cancel everything, and then asked me to buy a thousand lottery tickets.
658
I mean, what?
659
I dropped everything, grabbed soup, and headed straight to the mansion.
660
It felt wrong to be this excited about someone's immune system collapsing, but this was my chance.
661
He opened his bedroom door, dressed in dinosaur pajamas.
662
Hey, it's Josie.
663
You're glowing, girl.
664
Glowing like a firefly's butt.
665
Okay, wow.
666
You're very sick.
667
What?
668
No, I feel great.
669
I took four of those green pills, or maybe six, I don't know.
670
I guided him to the couch and handed him the soup.
671
He immediately spilled half of it on his lap.
672
Oh no, my thighs!
673
Are they burning?
674
Was that soup hot?
675
No, it got cold on the way.
676
You're fine.
677
Why would you bring me cold soup, Josie?
678
Why?
679
I sighed, got him some paper napkins to clean up, and sat beside him.
680
You smell like lavender...
681
...and betrayal.
682
Uh, what now?
683
Oh!
684
That's just my shampoo.
685
It's called Floral Deception.
686
Ah, it's nice.
687
You know what, Josie?
688
I'm very confused about Serena.
689
She wants me back, but I don't know.
690
Sometimes I'm not sure if I really love her.
691
That made me freeze.
692
She never really made me feel good about myself, you know?
693
It's not like it's with you.
694
With you, things are easy.
695
I don't feel like I have to prove anything.
696
I can just be a regular guy.
697
Can you clean my nose?
698
Well, Serena's perfect.
699
She'd make anyone feel like they're not good enough.
700
And I'm a walking, talking disaster.
701
So I probably make people feel better about themselves.
702
Like, hey, at least my life's not as messy as Josie's.
703
Or, I've got it more together than she does.
704
He sat up suddenly, grabbing me by the shoulders.
705
Don't say that.
706
You're amazing, Josie.
707
You're funny and smart and pretty.
708
And you have these eyes that make me want to do stupid things.
709
Like kiss you right now.
710
Okay, whoa.
711
This isn't real.
712
It's just the meds talking.
713
No, really.
714
I want to kiss you.
715
Unless.. you don't wanna.
716
Which is fine.
717
My heart was pounding, and I defo wanted to kiss him.
718
But I had to stay laser focused.
719
If you're serious, then look deep into my eyes first.
720
His gaze locked onto mine, like a lovesick puppy.
721
And then, I whipped out the scanner and hovered it near his eyeball.
722
Did.. did something just beep?
723
What beep?
724
No, you're just hearing things, sweetie.
725
You should sleep.
726
He leaned in suddenly, with his lips puckered, he kissed some air, and passed out face first in my lap, snoring like a walrus.
727
Mission accomplished.
728
But did he really mean that about Serena?
729
And what he'd said about me?
730
Ugh, even if he liked me, I was stealing his egg.
731
We could never work out as a couple.
732
I put a blanket over him and then made my way towards the study.
733
Once inside, I locked the door, stepped up to the hidden panel, and whipped out the scanner with Alexander's retinal image saved on it.
734
There was a click, yes, and the door opened.
735
At the end of a small passageway was a room full of collector's items.
736
But in the center, covered with a glass box, was a glittering Fabergé egg.
737
Okay, I really didn't think an egg could be so pretty.
738
I lifted the glass cover like I was diffusing a bomb, then carefully picked up the egg and made my way back to the study.
739
Great, there was no way this thing was fitting in my handbag!
740
I spotted a trash can filled with tissues and receipts, so I put the egg in and slung the trash bag over my shoulder.
741
But I barely made it ten steps down the hallway before a housekeeper appeared out of nowhere.
742
Ma'am, why are you taking out the trash?
743
Here, let me.
744
No, you stay away!
745
I mean, this bag is full of Alexander's highly contaminated tissues.
746
It really doesn't look like the regular flu.
747
His snot has a weird color.
748
I've already been exposed, so I'll just dispose it off somewhere.
749
You stay healthy, drink orange juice, and yeah, bye!
750
I burst into my apartment, locked the door shut, and collapsed onto the floor.
751
Once I caught my breath, I took the glittering egg out.
752
And with bated breath, I opened it.
753
It was empty.
754
I turned it around and upside down, but I couldn't see anything concealed anywhere.
755
My lifespan has probably gone down seven years with the amount of stress I've dealt with this week.
756
And for what?
757
I tried to calm down and tilted the egg one more time.
758
And that's when I saw a barely visible scene near the base.
759
I pressed gently, and a tiny compartment popped open.
760
Inside was a micro-USB drive.
761
Well, hello there my sneaky little friend.
762
What are you hiding?
763
I plugged the drive into my laptop.
764
And files exploded onto the screen.
765
Folders with names of politicians, celebrities, judges, details of offshore bank accounts, and more zeros in those accounts than my eyes could even make sense of.
766
It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was very incriminating evidence of very high-level corruption.
767
And in the middle of all this, the word Kingston suddenly glared at me like a neon sign.
768
Alexander's grandfather was on the list.
769
Oh.
770
My.
771
God.
772
Alexander doesn't even know this egg's got evidence that could turn his family to toast?
773
Oh no, you get off this laptop, Lord Voldemow!
774
I can't have you accidentally uploading this to Facebook!
775
My week wasn't up yet, and I tossed and turned all night, wondering what I was supposed to do.
776
And I reached the conclusion that I had to tell Alexander the truth.
777
I just couldn't hand over information about his family like that.
778
The next morning, I went to the sketchiest cafe on the outskirts of town in disguise and messaged him my location, telling him it was urgent.
779
When he arrived, he kept looking around and was walking straight past my table when I grabbed his arm.
780
Hey, what the.. uh...
781
Josie?
782
What are you doing?
783
Sit down.
784
Act natural.
785
Says my fake girlfriend in disguise.
786
Okay, whatever this is, it better be good.
787
I still have fever, and now I'm also coughing up phlegm.
788
Alexander, I stole your egg.
789
Uh, you mean from the kitchen?
790
You can take as many as you want.
791
No!
792
That big, littery thing hidden in the vault you open with your eyeball? That egg?
793
Alexander's eyes grew wide, and then his face twisted with anger.
794
Y-you did what?
795
Shh!
796
Don't make a scene!
797
You thought it was a good idea to talk about this here?
798
Yes, a very smart idea.
799
You can't scream or throw things at me in public.
800
Josie, how?
801
What?
802
Where do I even begin?
803
Why?
804
Maybe because I was threatened by a mafia lady who said she'd kill me
805
and my whole annoying family if I didn't find the egg?
806
Look, I am so terribly sorry I stole from you, but I really didn't have a choice.
807
Believe me.
808
Okay, can you start from the beginning?
809
After I told him everything, he didn't exactly look shocked.
810
I already know about the drive.
811
You do?
812
I didn't at first.
813
I bought the egg at that auction because it was rare and, yeah, glittery.
814
But I did find the drive inside eventually.
815
And Black Orchid wants it to blackmail the world's most powerful crooks?
816
Looks like it.
817
I'm curious.
818
Why didn't you destroy the drive?
819
Because if I did that, I'd be helping to cover up my grandfather's crimes.
820
But I haven't had the courage to do the right thing either yet.
821
He isn't alive, but if this news gets out, it'll destroy our legacy and reputation forever.
822
I'm sorry.
823
Really, that's a lot to have on your shoulders.
824
The egg's in your court, but you have to make a decision soon.
825
And I'm gonna need your help to not get killed by that woman.
826
I'm still confused about one thing.
827
How did you break into my vault?
828
We don't have time for this right now.
829
Waiter, check please!
830
The next day, I arranged a meeting with Black Orchid, who told me to come to the same building where we'd first met.
831
Wow, you're really working that smokey eye.
832
And love your little gooky scarf.
833
Thanks.
834
It's strong enough to choke a grown man.
835
Why do things get so morbid with you so fast?
836
Uh, anyway, here's your egg.
837
She pulled out the Fabergé egg from the bag, then turned it over immediately and clicked open the hidden seam.
838
The compartment was empty, and her face turned dark.
839
Where's the drive?
840
Look, I was too scared to even open the egg, and I certainly didn't know about any hidden compartments.
841
I have no idea.
842
You're lying.
843
I swear, on Lord Voldemeyau's life, I don't know anything.
844
Fine.
845
Let's call in, lover boy.
846
I think he has a very full schedule today.
847
Meetings, stress naps, crying into his money piles.
848
You know, billionaire stuff.
849
Oh, don't worry.
850
I know how to make a man come running.
851
And there I was again, tied to a chair on a rooftop.
852
The Mafia woman sent a photograph of me to Alexander.
853
And sure enough, 20 minutes later, Alexander burst through the rooftop door.
854
Wow, man's really did come running.
855
And he'd be looking hot while doing it.
856
Ugh, shut up, brain.
857
He silently gave the drive to Black Orchid, then strode over and started untying me.
858
I thought you said you could stall her for a while without ending up in a life-threatening situation.
859
I tried, man.
860
Things just always escalate really fast with her.
861
Black Orchid plugged the flash drive into her laptop, and it was the first time I'd seen her smile widely. So creepy.
862
Oh yes.
863
This is the real thing.
864
Glad you approve.
865
Can we go now? Of course.
866
Josie, you can expect a Lord of Grey and a box of skincare soon.
867
Amazing.
868
You'll send the skincare every month, right?
869
I thought that was the deal.
870
You know what?
871
I like you.
872
You've actually been very useful.
873
And I could definitely use a lawyer willing to break the law now and then.
874
I'll be in touch.
875
Ta-da!
876
She was almost at the door to the stairwell, when suddenly one of her goons spoke.
877
Boss...
878
Uh...
879
You need to see this.
880
He showed her his phone, and her face twisted.
881
Breaking news.
882
Elite corruption files leaked in bombshell data dump.
883
I told that idiot journalist to wait a couple of hours.
884
Did you account for the time difference since he lives so far away?
885
Black Orchid turned to us, her eyes burning.
886
You leaked it.
887
You exposed your own family.
888
Yeah, I did.
889
I don't want to inherit a dirty legacy.
890
And you can't use the files to blackmail anyone now since they're out there anyway.
891
Your name's on it too.
892
You might need an actual lawyer.
893
And then suddenly, she screamed like a banshee and came running at me.
894
And before I could even react, she pushed me over the rooftop.
895
Alexander lunged forward to grab my hand and went over with me.
896
Josie, open your eyes.
897
So I can see the pavement I'm going to smack my skull on?
898
And then suddenly, I hit a springy surface, bounced off of it, flipped, and landed straight on Alexander.
899
What the heck?
900
Did we just land on an inflatable mattress?
901
When she sent that photo of you tied up, I had my team set up these landing pads on every side of the building.
902
Just in case she tried something.
903
Oh my god, I love rich people so much, I could just kiss you right now!
904
Yeah?
905
What's stopping you?
906
His face was so close to mine, and suddenly, my heart wasn't just pounding from the near-death experience.
907
As we both leaned in, a pigeon suddenly pooped on my head.
908
And the moment was gone.
909
So, the good news was that Black Orchid was arrested on seven counts of money laundering, illegal arms deals, and, oh yeah,
910
kidnapping me and pushing me off a rooftop.
911
Also, her actual name was released on the news.
912
Janice Mildred Witherspoon.
913
Meanwhile, the corruption scandal exploded and Alexander was buried in lawyers, press conferences, and damage control.
914
You took down the mafia and exposed all these crooks.
915
You, Josie Hart, the girl who once got banned from Ikea for accidentally setting off a fire extinguisher thinking it was air freshener.
916
Yeah, I still can't believe it either.
917
I'm not the kind of person crazy exciting things happen to, only crazy stupid.
918
So the fake girlfriend gig is over?
919
We haven't had a chance to talk, but yeah, I should think so.
920
Serena wants him back, and that's what he wanted, right?
921
And with this scandal all over the news, I think my family won't take our breakup too badly.
922
And you're gonna let him go just like that?
923
Yep.
924
So, I just went back to my normal life.
925
If you can call baking a dozen loaves of banana bread every day
926
and sobbing into a pillow watching Pride and Prejudice for the hundredth time, normal.
927
One morning, as I was eating chocolate ice cream, the doorbell rang.
928
And I found Alexander outside, looking slightly tired, but as good as ever.
929
Hi, I should have called before coming, I guess, but I assumed you'd be home. Because what?
930
I couldn't possibly have plans?
931
Well, do you have any plans?
932
No...
933
Just come in.
934
So, how's it going with the ruined business and the shattered public image?
935
On the bright side, we can't be jailed for my grandfather's crimes.
936
But of course, we've taken a massive hit financially.
937
So, you're like, poor now?
938
Relatively.
939
We'll have to share a helicopter with another family.
940
It's free tonight, and I was wondering if I could fly you out for a date.
941
I mean a real one.
942
I really missed you, Josie.
943
You.. you mean that?
944
What about Serena?
945
Ugh, that insufferable woman.
946
So I figured I'd just been hung up on her because she dumped me.
947
And I didn't really want her.
948
And I went to tell her just that.
949
Except she rejected me first.
950
Again!
951
She said after my family's scandal she didn't want me.
952
It really gave her a piece of my mind.
953
I was bold, eloquent, I even quoted Shakespeare!
954
Oh, what did you say?
955
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
956
No, I shall not.
957
Because a summer's day is not a witch.
958
That's.. really something.
959
Thank you.
960
Also, I had Mia send your application for the bar exam again.
961
Honestly, after the pressure-filled situations you've been in, I have a feeling you'll breeze through it now.
962
But if you need me to, I can buy a law degree for you.
963
That's very sweet.
964
But maybe you stay away from doing illegal things, kay?
965
And yes, I'm free for a date tonight.
966
Can you send your styling team over though?
967
No. I like you just the way you are, Josie Hart.
968
Turns out, maybe I am the kind of person exciting things happen to.
969
And maybe, just maybe, I'll pass the bar exam next time.
970
If not, at least I've got a really hot backup plan.
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Sobre esta lição
Nesta lição, você vai praticar a compreensão oral e a pronúncia em inglês por meio de um diálogo intenso e dinâmico de um vídeo. O objetivo é treinar a escuta ativa, a imitação de tons e a fluência, usando a técnica de shadowing em inglês. O diálogo apresenta situações de tensão e humor, o que ajuda a aprender expressões coloquiais e a lidar com diferentes ritmos de fala.
Vocabulário e frases-chave
- Pretend dating: Namoro falso. Uma expressão comum em contextos de histórias ou filmes, usada para descrever uma relação que não é real.
- Background check: Verificação de antecedentes. Usado quando alguém investiga a história de outra pessoa.
- Scuff: Arranhar. Refere-se a danificar a superfície de algo, como sapatos.
- Take it way too far: Exagerar demais. Expressão usada para criticar que uma brincadeira ou ação passou dos limites.
- Heart jumped into my throat: Sentir um susto forte. Uma expressão idiomática que descreve a sensação de medo intenso.
Dicas de prática
Para praticar shadowspeak com este vídeo, siga estas dicas: Primeiro, assista o vídeo sem legendas e tente captar o ritmo geral. O diálogo tem momentos rápidos (como os gritos e as respostas nervosas) e outros mais calmos (as explicações). Repita cada frase imediatamente após ouvi-la, focando em imitar a entonação e a velocidade. Isso ajuda a treinar a memória auditiva e a fluência. Segundo, preste atenção às expressões coloquiais, como "Lolz" e "I get why you're confused", que são comuns na fala informal. Tente reproduzir o tom de voz: a personagem principal fala com medo e nervosismo, enquanto a antagonista usa um tom sarcástico e ameaçador. Terceiro, pause o vídeo em trechos difíceis e repita até que a pronúncia fique natural. A técnica de shadow speech é eficaz porque ela conecta a escuta à produção da fala, ajudando a internalizar o idioma de forma mais natural. Aprender inglês com vídeos como este também permite que você se familiarize com situações reais e expressões que não estão sempre nos livros didáticos.
Gramática neste vídeo
As estruturas que o falante mais usa, com as palavras exatas do vídeo:
| Estrutura | No vídeo |
|---|---|
| Frases condicionais if + oração, will/would + verbo — uma condição e seu resultado | If you made Serena think you'd moved · if I did that, I'd be · if this news gets out, it'll destroy |
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — uma ação que começou antes e continua | They've been keeping · We've been keeping |
| Present perfect have/has + particípio passado — uma ação passada que ainda importa agora | haven't arranged · life's been · I've moved |
| Voz passiva be + particípio passado — o foco está no que acontece, não em quem faz | was yanked · be captured · was smudged |
O que é a Técnica de Shadowing?
Shadowing é uma técnica de aprendizado de idiomas com base científica, originalmente desenvolvida para o treinamento de intérpretes profissionais. O método é simples, mas poderoso: você ouve áudio em inglês nativo e repete imediatamente em voz alta — como uma sombra seguindo o falante com 1-2 segundos de atraso. Pesquisas mostram melhora significativa na precisão da pronúncia, entonação, ritmo, sons conectados, compreensão auditiva e fluência na fala.