ฝึกพูดภาษาอังกฤษด้วยเทคนิค Shadowing จากวิดีโอ: The Best of Philomena Cunk on Britain | Part Two

Wordsworth wrote, I wandered lonely as a cloud, but clouds don't have legs, do they?

So how was he allowed to get away with that kind of stuff?

So join me, Philomena Cunk, as I take you right up the history of the United Britain of Great Kingdom.

This is Cunk on Britain.

It's hard to imagine while you're standing in it, but there was a time before Britain,

before Europe, before the world, even before the universe.

Nobody can say when it was, because it was also before clocks and words.

It was a time when nothing existed, empty, without motion or energy or light or hope, just like Plymouth today.

Just imagine something like this orange, and then imagine it's not there.

Then do that one by one with everything that exists until there's nothing at all.

That's what Britain was like until the Big Bang.

The Big Bang created the universe in one mad explosion.

It was probably deafening, although luckily ears didn't exist yet.

Computers think it looked like this, although eyes also didn't exist back then either, so we can't be sure.

And it was so long ago now, it's probably best not to keep dredging it up.

The Stones Age was all rocks, wasn't it?

Are stones made of rock or are rocks made of stone?

Both.

A stone is a rock.

Generally a rock is...

And a rock is a stone.

Yeah, yeah, generally rocks are more edgy, more ragged varieties of stone.

The Stone Age lasted a very long time.

In fact, our species spent more time in the Stone Age than the other.

Let's think of it this way.

If you look at the human history, prehistory is a year, and so New Year's Day is where humans start to use fire and shape stone tools.

And this year is the last split second before midnight at the other end of the year.

Then we're in the old stone age until about 3pm on the 31st of December.

So rocks are more jaggedy.

By the time the Wars of the Roses ended, Britain was literally on the map, somewhere near the top, showing how important it was.

The British had a firm grasp of the solid parts of the country, like this rock, but there was a load of stuff around the edges that wouldn't do as it was told.

It was wet, it was full of fish, and it wouldn't make up its mind how close to the rock it wanted to be.

I'll discover how Britain came to rule the waves and invent the umpire.

It's a story about events beyond Britain's coastline, So I'll be using the C word a lot.

C. Where did the Romans come from?

To begin with, they came from Rome, and then they came from the Roman Empire.

Right, but where in Britain did they come from?

Not from Britain.

They came from Rome, which is in Italy.

Right, well, this is about the history of Britain, so...

Where in Britain did they come from?

Well, the Romans came from Rome, and they headed northwards and conquered most of Europe.

and then they cross the English Channel and they conquered about half of Britain.

And where did they go once they were in Britain?

Well, they tried to get to Scotland, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort of going there.

Yeah, I felt that.

Stones-aged man used stones to make basic weapons and tools, like these hand axes.

As well as boring, these were also shipped by today's standards, but back then they were cutting edge because they had a cutting edge.

Why did they decide to have the plague twice?

More than anything, it must have just been boring.

Well, they had many, many more times than twice.

Did we get the plague because of the European free movement of rats and fleas and our inability to control our borders?

It certainly looks as though the epidemic came to England by ship.

So in that sense, yes, it's imported.

They are immigrant rats and fleas.

And they wouldn't integrate.

Except when they're bitters.

People say the financial crisis happened because it just got too complicated.

And it's all because of the maths.

If we took maths out of the equation, it'd be much easier.

Couldn't we use something else instead of numbers?

I think that actually you're right in a way.

That there is too much maths in the way that people think about the economy.

And one of the things that occasionally goes wrong is that economists think that they can build...

Let's go, girls.

Sorry about that.

Queen Victoria is often portrayed as old and grumpy.

It's where the term Victoria Cross comes from, but she wasn't always a sour disapproving old woman, she was once a sour disapproving baby.

Queen Victoria was born in 1819, in the usual way out of a woman.

It was hard to tell that this infant would grow up to be Queen, because her crown hadn't yet formed, it was just her, which must have been a relief to her mother as she was pushing her out.

As well as looking miserable, her other hobby was fashion.

Even at an early age, she was dressing like a cross between a disillusioned Lord Mayor and an angry hen.

It was a big deal, wasn't it, when they got trains to run on steam.

Where did they get the steam that powered the trains back then?

Did they have to sort of mine it from underground or did they get it from the sky?

Well, you can actually make steam by boiling water.

So what they're doing is using the coal to boil the water and make the steam that way.

Right, so clouds are made of boiling water.

Why don't planes boil then when we fly through them?

I think you probably want to speak to a meteorologist about the clouds.

Okay.

Why did they call World War I World War I?

It's quite pessimistic numbering, isn't it?

Or did they just know it was the start of a franchise?

At the time they weren't numbering the wars, although I think

that in the First World War the idea of it being a great war denoting the sheer scale of the conflict,

the casualty rate was already becoming used quite a lot.

So it was called the Great War but not because it was great.

Britain had been uptight ever since Victorian times

and having two world wars on top of that had really knocked the fun out of everyone.

Men had to wear bowler hats issued by the government and their only form of entertainment was reading boring newspapers.

They weren't even allowed to get erections and had to make do with a stiff upper lip instead.

Meanwhile, women had to stay at home washing clothes, raising hundreds of children by hand and agreeing with their husbands.

The only form of personal expression they were allowed was wearing pointy glasses.

But all that was about to change, thanks to four boys from Liverpool, George, Ringo and their guitarists, a pop band called The Beatles.

Some brave volunteers among the British police elect to act with heroism above

and beyond the call of duty and escort the beetles to their car.

These beetles didn't have six legs.

They had eight legs, like a spider.

100

Everywhere they went, girls screamed, like with a spider.

101

But unlike spiders, the beetles never crawled into anyone's mouth when they were asleep.

102

Instead, they sang, which scientists claim spiders don't.

103

How come the BBC started with radio?

104

Because radio is loads less popular than television, isn't it?

105

There are people in radio who get very angry about that.

106

I mean radio still performs tremendously well.

107

There's still radio.

108

They called it the Civil War because there was a swear jar and people apologised after killing each other, like in tennis.

109

The Civil War was a clash of styles.

110

The King's Cavaliers had panache and weird outfits, while Cromwell's roundheads were basic, brutish little bulldog men.

111

It was like a fight between Wayne Rooney and Noel Fielding, but not as funny.

112

Eventually, after many reenactments just like this, the Roundheads won 1-0.

113

Charles was caught in a big king net and executed here in Whitehall.

114

A proud man to the last, he wore two shirts so no one could see him shiver, to preserve his regal dignity.

115

And according to witnesses, it worked.

116

His severed head rolled regally along the ground, pumping blood everywhere and getting covered in hay and dirt.

117

and dried up flecks of dignified fox shit, and no-one mentioned the rest of him shivering at all.

118

The Celts famously would...

119

The warriors would strip naked, paint themselves in designs, and go into battle naked.

120

They believed that by painting themselves in designs,

121

that they were calling out to their gods up in the sky for protection and for courage and for help.

122

Did the Romans have chain mail, then?

123

They had armour of a sort.

124

They had armour and they were naked?

125

Yeah. Who won?

126

Well...

127

The Romans.

128

The Romans won in the end.

129

I knew it.

130

I bet when the Celts turned up naked and saw what the Romans had on, I bet they were kicking themselves, I bet they felt stupid.

131

I bet they were like, who suggested this?

132

But not all stone's-aged things have to be dug up have to be dug up.

133

Some are still visible, which means you can see them.

134

This is Stonehenge, early man's finest achievement.

135

To Stone's age Britons, this was a cross between Nemesis at Alton Towers, in that it was a spectacular attraction,

136

and the queue for Nemesis at Alton Towers, in that it never fucking moves.

137

Stonehenge was used to tell the time, which means Stonehenge is the only There's only clock you can see from space, unless you have a clock in your spaceship.

138

How was it we beat the Germans at Dunkirk in War II, but still didn't win the whole war?

139

Well, first of all, I think we've got to stop calling it War II.

140

I mean, it's the Second World War if you're American and you have to have it this way, it's World War II.

141

But, you know, that's the language we tend to use.

142

But in terms of Dunkirk, I think that's the wrong way round.

143

We actually lose at Dunkirk.

144

We lost at Dunkirk?

145

We lost at Dunkirk.

146

I don't think so.

147

The Beatles started from humble beginnings.

148

In the early days they couldn't afford individual haircuts

149

and had to copy and paste the same one onto each of their heads.

150

And they had to share a microphone to save money.

151

But their catchy jingles were so infectious they soon led to an epidemic called Beatlemania.

152

And the Beatles wanted to hold your hand, which only made the disease spread faster.

153

Soon it spread across the Atlantic to America, a country which was still there.

154

There are rumours around that this is Britain's revenge for the Boston Tea Party.

155

While the Beatles were in the USA, they started to become influenced by the hippies, which were sort of American Wombles.

156

They experimented with a drug called Luzd, which made the users see and hear things that weren't really happening.

157

A bit like Netflix, their music turned psychopathic.

158

Rather than churning out more simple love songs, thanks to psychopathic drugs, the Beatles began to sing about deeper, more meaningful things.

159

In a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.

160

How hot was the Great Fire of London?

161

Could you stand in somewhere like Maidenhead and sort of warm your hands on it like that?

162

You couldn't warm your hands, but you probably could see it.

163

How many other cities did the Great Fire of London burn down?

164

No other cities.

165

It was the Great Fire of London.

166

But lots of other places were affected.

167

But how do we know no other cities burnt down?

168

Because it would have burnt them down.

169

Yes, but we know that London was burnt, even though it was burnt down.

170

So we would have the same sorts of information about other places that didn't burn down.

171

But there might have been another place burnt down that just burnt down completely, and now we don't know because it's not there because it was burnt down.

172

But then that wouldn't be part of the Great Fire of London, would it?

173

No, it'd be outside, wouldn't it?

174

Yes.

175

So were there any others that burnt down?

176

There don't seem to have been any other fires at the same time.

177

Although we don't know because they've burnt down.

178

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

179

This is the book, George Orwell's chilling classic, 1984.

180

In the book, using nothing but words, Orwell depicts a world in which people are manipulated by screens, manipulated by the media, manipulated by the government,

181

something which, thankfully, didn't and couldn't happen.

182

Although 1984 is set in the year 1984, it's not a 1984 anyone who lived through it would recognise.

183

Orwell didn't predict Band-Aid or Ghostbusters, or Radio 1's Mike Reed banning Frankie Goes to Hollywood for singing about spunk.

184

In fact, almost the only thing he got right was that there'd be a thing on the screens called Big Brother, and even then he didn't predict that it would eventually be on Channel 5.

185

But fortunately for national pride, one great British hero was about to rise.

186

Vice Admiral Viscount Lord Horrorshaw Nelson.

187

What was Lord Nelson all about?

188

Why did his parents call him Horror Show?

189

I think they probably intended it to be pronounced Horatio.

190

But it just got mish-mashed up and became Horror Show?

191

No, I think that most people still know him as Horatio Nelson.

192

As well as being a sailor, Nelson found time to star in lots of old paintings, doing his weird signature pose.

193

Why did Nelson always have one hand up his jumper?

194

What was he doing up there?

195

He'd lost most of his right arm, so it wasn't really trying to conceal his hand.

196

He was actually missing an arm.

197

Oh, God.

198

How do we know that that's true, though?

199

Because, you know, Rod Hull, he used to have his arm round an emu, didn't he?

200

It might have just been that.

201

He didn't have it blown off at all.

202

He was just trying to make his story more interesting.

203

Well, I don't see why he bothered to do that.

204

I mean, he's already a heroic figure, So I don't think he needed to sort of feign, you know, serious injury to, if you like, deepen his growing legend.

205

So I think we can probably say that, unlike some things, this is true.

206

Yeah, and the eye was true.

207

The eye was true as well, yes.

208

He wore a patch.

209

So he was like a pirate, but like a boring one.

210

Henry created the Church of England, didn't he?

211

Did he have to find a British Pope?

212

He didn't need to find a British Pope.

213

You could just have bishops.

214

You can just use the bishops and people that you've got in there already.

215

If you were to find a British Pope now, who would you go for?

216

You couldn't use the Archbishop of Canterbury.

217

No, you have to have someone else.

218

Someone from without the church?

219

Yeah, like Matt Baker off The One Show.

220

So, Matt Baker off The One Show?

221

He's not an obvious choice, you see, that's why I think he'd be good.

222

But the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

223

The Industrial Revolution was so frenetic, a man called Charles Babbage got carried away and invented the computer invented the computer far too early.

224

Modern computers are tiny, but this was as big as a transit van.

225

It was even bigger than the 1990s one your dad's got in the loft, and won't throw away in case the bin men find all his bank details and mucky JPEGs.

226

Hello, who are you?

227

I'm Doran Swade, I'm an historian of computing, and I was responsible for building this engine.

228

So what games does it have?

229

It doesn't have any games.

230

It must have, like, some basic games, like Mario Kart or Snake or...

231

I'm afraid not.

232

Or Patience, like the shittiest one.

233

It must have Patience.

234

I'm afraid it doesn't.

235

It doesn't have any games.

236

None whatever.

237

It just does mathematical calculation.

238

So where's the screen on this computer?

239

A screen, again, is part of the electronic era.

240

This has no screens.

241

As it happens, you don't need to read the numbers because it prints them automatically for you.

242

It's a shame, isn't it, that it doesn't have a screen? because then you could turn it upside down and the numbers would become rude words.

243

You know, like with a calculator?

244

Yes.

245

Have you ever done that?

246

I haven't, but I know what you mean.

247

You've done this, but you haven't done that.

248

Correct.

249

Babbage never foresaw the terrible consequences of his invention.

250

A machine that would autocorrect his name to cabbage every single time.

251

Who was wrong?

252

Among the romantics, you mean?

253

Yeah.

254

Um...

255

William Godwin was quite wrong.

256

He believed that there should be no laws at all in society.

257

No, who's Ron?

258

Ron?

259

Er...

260

Is there a Ron?

261

Yeah, the one that wrote all the poems and signed them, Byron.

262

Yeah, that.. that was his family name, Byron.

263

Lord George Byron.

264

Oh, right, OK.

265

Yeah.

266

Who was the man from Nantucket that Byron wrote about in his poem?

267

I don't remember that poem.

268

It's the one that goes there was a young man from Nantucket.

269

Is that Byron?

270

I think so, it's really good.

271

How did it end?

272

The British's mastery of the oceans made Catholic King Philip of Spain furious in Spanish.

273

So he sent his secret weapon to attack England, a woman called Spanish Amanda.

274

The story goes that Drake was playing a leisurely game of bowls on Plymouth Hall when the Spanish attacked.

275

But Drake didn't let the Spanish attack put him off his stroke.

276

He just carried on playing with his balls.

277

According to records, when he'd finished, Drake changed back into his normal shoes and thrashed the Spaniards.

278

At war, not bowling.

279

England was victorious.

280

If Hardy was kissing Nelson at the exact moment he was dying, to what extent would that make him a necrophile?

281

Because that's a serious offence.

282

It took him three or four hours to die, and this particular famous moment took place when Nelson was still very much alive.

283

So there was nothing dodgy about it?

284

Nothing dodgy at all.

285

Nelson may have died, but a whole new chapter of British history was about to be born be born

286

and it was all thanks to one woman, Queen Victorian era.

287

But that's a story for another time and place.

288

Next week and here.

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