Shadowing Practice: why self-love doesn't work - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Get comfortable because we're going to have a discussion about self -love, what it means to love yourself, how you can love yourself,

the way self -love is talked about in pop culture, just all things self -love.

I have a lot of issues with the way self -love is talked about in social media and pop culture today.

I feel like it's transcended its original definition it's almost become girl bossified

and just like saturated with toxic positivity

and it's understandable for the definition to change after like this concept was introduced into a very capitalist culture

but a lot of this self -love like content

that I consume has just left me feeling more shitty about myself

it almost feels like another task on my to -do list another chore

that I need to complete before the time runs out

and I think that that's so far from the original objective of self -love.

There's this expectation to consistently feel 100 % content and 100 % like good about ourselves.

And I think that is so unrealistic and so impractical.

It's also not something that I think you can like achieve or receive once you cross the finish line.

It doesn't really work that way.

I think of love as a process, a journey, a long -term commitment rather than,

you know congratulations you did a face mask here's a here's self -love like it doesn't work that way

and I think that's a very transactional way to view self -love

I think a lot of people think self -love follows this linear path but

that could not be farther from the truth you're gonna go up

you're gonna go down you're gonna go left you're gonna go right you're not always gonna be moving forward

and that's also where I think we feel really shitty

because we think we should be always moving forward

but that's again not life the fact

that self -love is promoted as this like constant attitude

that we should hold up i think invalidates a lot of our emotions

when the whole idea of self -love i think is to be accepting of those emotions we live with fear

and guilt and shame and regret and these are completely normal emotions

and and it's okay to feel them i don't even know why it's

so taboo or why it's so frowned upon to admit

that we have those emotions I don't even like calling them negative emotions

because I think that just like categorizes them

and just makes it super black and white like here's positive here's negative

but it's like I don't want to build this like stigma around fear

and guilt and shame and regret and pain

and anger like they're very normal to have there's this like pressure to rise above those emotions

and if you can't then you know you're the one to blame

and so I just end up feeling like inadequate

and incompetent for not knowing how to rise above these things

that I you know should have under control

and I think the reason why a lot of these like self -love you know tips

and tricks don't really work is because they're quick

and simple solutions to the symptoms of the problem but it's like

if your wound is infected putting on a band -aid sure it'll relieve you for like one

or two days short term yeah

but like in the long run

it's not really gonna fix your infection like you need antibiotics go to the doctor go to therapy no um

i know therapy isn't accessible to everyone that's why like i just want to share the research

that i've done on my own time about these things

so the real toxicity in my head happens when you're already feeling down

and then you're trying of force these like loving thoughts

when you so clearly don't feel

that way i don't need to feel bad about the fact

that i feel bad i think in order to move towards a healthier approach to self -love

we kind of need to unlearn everything

that we've learned about it what we all

so desperately need is for negative emotions to be validated we actually want our negative emotions to be acknowledged,

understood, and accepted rather than suppressed, avoided, and tucked away in a corner where no one can see.

We want someone to validate the shitty situations we go through,

and I think the first and most important person to validate those emotions is going to be you.

To be able to say to yourself that it's okay to not be 100 % all the time is so,

so important, and it's also so powerful because it builds so much self -trust.

If you need any proof that it's okay to have these negative emotions.

If you need any validation, let mother nature provide it because you need shit to grow a garden.

It's okay to have your negative emotions because that's what's going to grow your person and yourself and your character.

And for a really long time, I thought of self -love as a game that had levels.

Prior to my depression last year, I thought I had a pretty good relationship with myself.

I was working really hard to build that strong relationship with myself

and at the time i was very content with my life with myself

so i was like okay like we're doing good little did i know i was practicing a defense mechanism called

intellectualization if you're familiar with the term i am sorry intellectualization is

when you rationalize your emotions rather than feeling them

you try to find reasons as to why you're feeling them instead of actually just sitting with the emotions

and like experiencing them you can't numb yourself to a single emotion by the way

if you're numbing yourself to one emotion you're numbing yourself to all

so although i thought i was happy it really was just me being numb

and when i got depressed i was absolutely crushed like i was

so overwhelmed with these unfamiliar emotions i didn't know what to do with them

i didn't even know what they were i was just like what is going on like i was

so stuck and it took me a minute to understand

that I was depressed because I was

so unfamiliar with my emotions it literally felt like I had transported into a new dimension

and I was like a different version of myself

and I was like what is going on like who who is this like where where did we enter

and so I got depressed and I really was like fuck all of the progress

that I had made all the work

that I had been putting into like nurturing my relationship with myself just went to waste it all crumbled

and I had to start from level one and it was

so so devastating and I was so burnt out

that I didn't even want to begin working on myself again

I didn't even want to get out of my depression

because it just felt like too much work it was like I had to reclimb this mountain

that like I thought I was at the peak of

so I was like do I do this all over again like I can't do it like I don't think

I'm capable of doing

that all over again it just felt like too much it wasn't until I started therapy

that I realized all progress isn't lost

it's not really game over you don't necessarily have to start from scratch every time something falls apart

because you still very much have you know those tools

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and you still very much have your self and your identity

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and I didn't know that and I didn't realize that

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and it took me a minute to tap into that

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but once I did my view on my depression kind of shifted from like this incredibly difficult like obstacle

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that I had to get through to an exercise that I could almost use to my advantage,

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kind of like a practice round to apply all the self -love skills and tools that I had learned. And through

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that shift, it kind of felt like I was reclaiming my power over my depression where I wasn't letting it win anymore.

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And I kind of was like, okay, I can take this on because I know I can get through it.

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Now that I know that I can trust myself to get out of it, I don't really fear it anymore.

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There's always going to be some negative event

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that happens that's going to impact you either directly

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or indirectly we just have to deal with it like that's just how life is like I said

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I'm not a huge fan of the self -love products out

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there in the market I don't think they hit the spot however this poetry book by Melody Godfred

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Melody she did something with this one I actually sat down

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and read this entire poetry book in one sitting

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because it was just really good it was short and sweet

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and it made me feel really amazing after there's one specific quote i already have it memorized

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because i've been repeating it to my friends every single day it goes i finally found my rhythm

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when i realized

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that even the steps backwards were part of the dance

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it really it really hits you're like damn okay like she's saying something in the stutz documentary with jonah hill

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and his therapist i really liked how he mentioned

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that there's always going to be uncertainty pain

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and constant work in the world these are three variables

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that you cannot get rid of

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and it doesn't matter what your social standing is who you

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are these three variables are going to affect everyone once you're aware

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and trust keyword trust that all progress isn't lost

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when you know goes south it becomes much easier to confront the challenges in your life

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and to confront that like negative event that happens to you.

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It's just a matter of how aware are you

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that these tools exist within yourself and how do you plan on nurturing and utilizing these tools when shit goes south.

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Now that we've kind of unlearned all the toxic bullshit, I really want to talk about the difference between loving yourself and loving being yourself.

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I think they're entirely different concepts and I think the best way

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that I can explain it is through a growth and a fixed mindset.

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We as humans tend to subscribe to a very fixed version of ourselves

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you know we have these traits these qualities these types

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and that's it and that's mainly

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because we don't like the unknown

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we like to have everything figured out especially about ourselves we don't like question marks we want answers in doing

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that we kind of force ourselves to live within like these confined parameters of our self -concept and consequently

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that like kind of puts a damper on how much love

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we can give ourselves having this fixed mindset doesn't give much leeway to your human remember

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we're human beings we're species who are evolving every single second every day

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we wake up slightly different from yesterday like our bodies are growing

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we're building new neural pathways our mindsets are shifting especially

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if you're like me in your like early 20s or like late teens like we are going through so much change.

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And so kind of having this like fixed mindset, this fixed version of who you are is just like,

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okay, that's just limiting your potential and like how much you can change and grow.

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That's where I think loving yourself and loving being yourself differ because when you love being yourself,

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you allow yourself the space and time to grow and change and adapt.

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You view yourself as this very fluid and flexible being that exhibits several different emotions and attitudes throughout the day.

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And I really appreciate how having this growth mindset really celebrates our wide range of human emotions, not just the good ones.

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A lot of the self -love talks that I hear only shows recognition towards those positive emotions.

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And that's just like completely neglecting our complex nature and just like completely neglecting half of our existence.

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And I'm just like, okay, but what about the rest of me?

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Like, you don't like her? like what about her she's also

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me another quote from my self -love poetry book the true learning has been not just to love myself

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but to like myself to enjoy myself in the mundane moments not just the sacred ones she really captures

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that whole idea

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that i just explained in like three sentences ultimately as a group we need to shift our attention

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and focus more towards self -awareness

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and acceptance rather than these like harmful toxic positive thoughts

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that aren't really getting us anywhere in my head self -love is built of four main pillars

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there's self -awareness there's self -worth self -esteem

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and self -care self -awareness would be like mindfulness towards your

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triggers your thought patterns your self -belief your trauma your self -worth is the value

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you ascribe yourself how you value yourself your self -esteem is a product of your self -worth

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and then self -care is maintenance.

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So I want to start from self -worth because I think that's where the magic begins.

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For a really long time, I was stuck on the question of, okay, I want to love myself.

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How do I do it?

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Like tell me how to do it and I'll do it.

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I'm ready to do it.

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Just tell me what to do.

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How do I begin?

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Where do I start?

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My therapist told me about this exercise called the I am statements.

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These are basically affirmational phrases that you write down

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and you can go about it in any way you want whether you write down one a day

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or you write down like 20 in one sitting

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and you repeat them to yourself whichever approach

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you want to take try to write down just a couple i am statements

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and these can be you know identifying statements as in like i'm a girl i'm a student i'm turkish

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or they can be quality statements

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which is more like i am pretty i am funny

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i am smart you know whatever the point of this exercise

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is to build your self -concept how you think of yourself

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and the reason why it works is

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because it engages with your subconscious we don't know much about our subconscious

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because we can't really access it like consciously we know it's there

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and we know that it's like a sponge especially

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if you're in your early 20s like your subconscious right now is going to absorb any

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and every content you put in front of it this is

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why people will be like be mindful of who you surround yourself with

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or what kind of you know content you consume on social media

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because even if consciously you may not identify with something your subconscious is still going to absorb

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that information in your brain the more often

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you repeat an exercise the stronger those neural pathways are going

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to become the more established neural pathways in your brain are much easier to access than ones

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that you you know only fired a couple times.

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And so the reason why I really encourage you to repeat these affirmational phrases, these I am statements to yourself,

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you know, at least once a day is so you keep firing those neurons and that path is getting stronger and stronger.

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That's why people say fake it till you make it.

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And it actually works because you're basically convincing your subconscious

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that you do have confidence until you actually achieve it

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because you've just believed in yourself

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so much essentially what we're doing is rewiring your negative thought patterns into positive

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and healthy ones and so we're kind of eliminating

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that self -defeating talk

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that like your inner critic will tell you this also really helps to build self -trust

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because the more these i am statements are ingrained in your mind the less external validation

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you're gonna seek i used to be someone who was obsessed

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with figuring out how people perceive me like i would ask

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my friends to explain how they view me in very very explicit detail

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because I just wanted to know I was like I want to know I'm

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so curious who do you see me as what do I

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look like to you like I had just very little knowledge

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about myself like I had a very weak self -concept

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and that's why we're doing these I am statements so

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that you can kind of figure out like who are you

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who am I now I want to talk about self -esteem

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because she's a little tricky one like I said self -esteem is a product of your self -worth.

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Unfortunately, self -esteem kind of operates also on like a subconscious level

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and it is kind of developed in early childhood not saying

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that you can't build your self -esteem

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when you're older i'm just saying like that's mainly where your self -esteem is established in early childhood

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and like developmental years if you went through a shitty past

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and you were traumatized first of all i'm really sorry second of all

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that does not mean you're broken and it does not mean

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that you have to go

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and like blame yourself for having a low self -esteem

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we tend to look inwards whenever something goes wrong in our life

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and we're like okay i'm the one to blame i don't have a high self -esteem

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because i did this this and this but it's like it doesn't work

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that way you you can't really control what happens to you

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when you're four years old i don't want this to discourage

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you at all like you can work on your self -esteem there's two kinds of self -esteem there's explicit

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and implicit this basically just means your explicit self -esteem is the one

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you're consciously aware of having like how you consciously view yourself

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and your implicit is how you subconsciously view yourself for a long time I had insecure high self -esteem

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and I kind of still struggle with it basically

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there's a phenomenon called a donut personality where your explicit self -esteem is high

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so you consciously have a good view of yourself

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but your subconscious your implicit self -esteem is low

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because I had this like discrepancy I was kind of conflicted on like I consciously knew

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that I you know was of high value

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and I had you know a high self -worth

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but deep down I didn't really believe that

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and again like the best way you can engage

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and interact with your subconscious is through repeating a positive experience multiple times

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so you can build

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that neural pathway like we're getting down to motherfucking neuroscience over here like at the end of the day

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you really need to build a strong foundation and

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that foundation is your subconscious

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and that's how we're gonna do it like that's how we can get there

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when my insecure high self -esteem thing was really at its peak i saw this tweet

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that i really resonated with and it said i love me

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but i don't love me back and

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that basically means you're not accepting the love

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that you're giving yourself this is also going to make it much harder for you to recognize

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when other people are giving you love if you're not accepting the love that you give yourself in the first place.

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So this is again where we go back to rewiring your negative thought patterns and this is where mindfulness comes in.

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Self -awareness is mindfulness towards your thought patterns, your triggers, your trauma, basically just becoming aware,

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just becoming aware without necessarily attaching to your observation.

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What I like to do is split my inner dialogue into two, Well, technically into three different entities, only two of them have voices though.

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There's the good cop and then there's the bad cop.

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The good cop, obviously she's super compassionate.

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She's kind.

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She's tolerant.

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She's patient, understanding, accepting.

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She's lovely.

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We love her.

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And then there's bad cop.

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She is my inner critic.

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She's harsh.

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She's very toxic.

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She's critical.

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She's judgmental.

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She's impatient.

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She does not understand.

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She does not accept.

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She does not empathize.

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She's a bitch.

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Self -awareness boils down to identifying which voice is talking.

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And then there's a third entity, which is my body.

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This is my physical form.

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My physical form doesn't have a voice, but she's still there and she's still present in the conversation.

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She's just placed a few steps behind.

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I like including the third entity, like my physical form in the equation, because I think it allows me the space and time

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and stage to observe this conversation happening between the good

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and the bad cop without attaching to them without wearing them as my own

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and like adopting them into my personality

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and my character those are kind of my two cents on the topic of self -love

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I didn't talk much about the fourth pillar which is self care just

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because I think that's more action -based whereas self -awareness self -worth

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and self -esteem are more concepts

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and like abstract ideas

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I would be more than interested in filming like a

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self -care video how you can engage with your love languages

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if you're single and how you can like meet your needs

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if you are single because I've been single my whole life

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so I honestly feel like I'm gonna do

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that next I am kind of switching my content to more sitting down talking videos I did the vlogs

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and I really liked them

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but I think I kind of want to try something new this is honestly really exciting to me

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because I geek out on psychology and like neuroscience

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so being able to share my research

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and like my findings with you guys is going to be very fulfilling for me

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and I hope this helps anyone if there's one person listening

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and they got one thing out of this video that's really all I want

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and seriously do your I am statement

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that's your homework like just do it I don't want you to do anything else just write down 10 things

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that you are and add one to the list every day stay safe and super sexy

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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları

Bu konuşma dersi “why self-love doesn't work” videosuna dayanıyor. En çok tekrarlanan kelimeler: self, emotion, esteem. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 314 cümle ve 3806 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 20:07 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 189 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %84’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında; geri kalanına başlamadan önce bakmakta fayda var.

Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler

Videodan öğrenmeye değer 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
emotion isim	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	duygu, his
awareness isim	/əˈwɛɹ.nəs/	bilinç, bilinçlenme
mindset isim	/ˈmaɪn(d)ˌsɛt/	düşünce tarzı, zihniyet
toxic sıfat	/ˈtɒk.sɪk/	toksik
pathway isim	/ˈpæθˌweɪ/	patika, yolak
numb sıfat	/nʌm/	uyuşuk
poetry isim	/ˈpoʊ.ə.tɹi/	şiir
depressed sıfat	/dɪˈpɹɛst/	çökkün, keyifsiz
regret fiil	/ɹɪˈɡɹɛt/	pişman olmak
phrase isim	/ˈfɹeɪ̯z/	deyim, tabir
trigger isim	/ˈtɹɪɡɚ/	[4, 5] tetikleme, tetik
trauma isim	/ˈtɹɔm.ə/	travma, sakatlık
guilt isim	/ɡɪlt/	suç, suçluluk
variable sıfat	[ˈvæɹ.i.ə.bl̩]	değişken
therapist isim	/ˈθɛɹəpɪst/	terapist

Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
figure out fiil		açığa çıkarmak
sit down fiil		oturmak
fall apart fiil		altüst olmak
run out fiil		bitmek, tükenmek
wake up fiil	/ˌweɪk ˈʌp/	uyanmak

Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler

Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:

Like, you don't like her?
How do I do it?
I'm ready to do it.
How do I begin?
Where do I start?

Bu videodaki dil bilgisi

Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:

Yapı	Videoda
Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli	is talked · was introduced · is promoted
Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem	has just left · i've done · we've learned
İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi	someone who was · entity, which is · pillar which is

Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar

Konuşmacı you're, don't, I'm gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 113 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.

“th” sesleri: pathway /ˈpæθˌweɪ/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, rhythm /ˈɹɪð.əm/, empathize /ˈɛmpəˌθaɪz/
“sh” ve “zh” sesleri: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, recognition /ˌɹɛkəɡˈnɪʃ(ə)n/, capture /ˈkæp.(t)ʃɚ/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: entity /ˈɛn.tə.ti/ [-tʰi], necessarily /ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/, unfamiliar /ˌʌnfəˈmɪli.ə(ɹ)/, recognition /ˌɹɛkəɡˈnɪʃ(ə)n/

Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:

/w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: awareness /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/, pathway /ˈpæθˌweɪ/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, tweet /ˈtwiːt/, homework /ˈhoʊmˌwɝk/
Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: phrase /ˈfɹeɪ̯z/, trigger /ˈtɹɪɡɚ/, trauma /ˈtɹɔm.ə/, critic /ˈkɹɪt.ɪk/, trick /ˈtɹɪk/
/æ/ — “e”den daha açık: pathway /ˈpæθˌweɪ/, variable [ˈvæɹ.i.ə.bl̩], absorb /æbˈsɔɹb/, attach /əˈtæt͡ʃ/, validation /ˌvæl.əˈdeɪ.ʃən/

Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır

Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; emotion, awareness, mindset gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.

Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?

Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.

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Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?