Shadowing Practice: Why We Go Cold On Our Partners - Learn English Speaking with Video
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The story of the path to coldness in love is well known.
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We start off full of affection for one another and then, with time, feelings fade.
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We start prioritising work.
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We check our phones while they're speaking.
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We don't especially want to hear how their day went.
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There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost.
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That people naturally get bored of one another in the same
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way as they get bored with everything else – the gadget that once seemed so amazing, the film they used to love.
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Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.
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But there's another explanation, darker at first, but in the end more hopeful.
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The loss of interest isn't either natural or inevitable.
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The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active.
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It exists because we feel hurt by,
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angry with or scared of our partner and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves or them about it.
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Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress.
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It's a way of coping.
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We're internally numbed, not just a touch board.
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This can sound strange.
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After all, we might have no active sense that our partner has been hurting, angering or frightening us.
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The idea appears laughable or extreme.
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It makes our partner sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings, neither of which is true.
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But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.
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We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.
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We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads
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and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,
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which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.
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It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts, even if we're six foot two with a pointy beard.
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The loving self has a gossamer -thin ego.
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It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.
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You could deeply distress it by interrupting it during a story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,
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by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday, by preferring a book to cuddling,
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or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.
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Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights.
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But we don't love by adult standards.
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These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to its tender emotional core.
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Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happened.
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It would carefully explain that it had been frustrated and hurt.
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Its voice would be measured, undefensive, and charming.
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But mostly, it just stays silent.
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That's forgivable.
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It doesn't properly understand what's wrong.
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It just knows it's in pain and is driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself, which translates into behavior that looks pretty cold.
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If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd, which is partly why it doesn't.
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There can be something especially humiliating in having to say, I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break,
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or I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control.
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These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on,
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but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.
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The consequence is that the loving self dries up.
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It doesn't want to have sex.
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It gets sarcastic and irritable.
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But it doesn't even know why it's like this.
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It isn't putting on an act.
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It's confused.
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To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness
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and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.
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We have to create a forum in which so -called minor love -sapping hurts can safely be aired,
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without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.
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The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life.
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But this is not the rest of life.
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When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners we might just need an opportunity to imagine
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that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them.
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And we should have access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation.
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Thank you.
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu konuşma dersi “Why We Go Cold On Our Partners” videosuna dayanıyor. En çok tekrarlanan kelimeler: self, adult, hurt, loving, partner. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 28 cümle ve 792 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 4:56 sürüyor. Konuşmacı dakikada yaklaşık 161 kelimeyle, günlük konuşmaya yakın doğal bir hızda konuşuyor. Kelimelerin yalnızca %80’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığı zorlayıcı.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodan öğrenmeye değer 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| distress isim | /dɪˈstɹɛs/ | bun, kaygı |
| bore fiil | /boɹ/ | burgulamak |
| explanation isim | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | açıklama |
| ordinary sıfat | /ˈɔɹdɪnɛɹi/ | sıradan, olağan |
| forum isim | /ˈfɔːɹəm/ | divan, müzakere yeri |
| tender sıfat | /ˈtɛn.dɚ/ | narin |
| inevitable sıfat | /ɪˈnɛvɪtəbəl/ | kaçınılmaz |
| consequence isim | /ˈkɑn.sɪ.kwəns/ | sonuç, netice |
| complicated sıfat | /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/ | karışık, komplike |
| confused sıfat | /kənˈfjuːzd/ | şaşkın, şaşırmış |
| thin sıfat | /ˈθɪn/ | ince |
| carefully zarf | /ˈkɛɹf(ə)li/ | dikkatlice, itinayla |
| ridiculous sıfat | /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/ | saçma, komik |
| silent sıfat | /ˈsaɪ̯lənt/ | sessiz |
| awareness isim | /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/ | bilinç, bilinçlenme |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Anlam |
|---|---|
| dry up fiil | kurumak |
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | were formed · had been frustrated · would be measured |
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | haven't found · we've gone |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | person who loves · absurd, which is |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı doesn't, don't, isn't gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 18 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “th” sesleri: thin /ˈθɪn/, withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, affection /əˈfɛk.ʃən/, childish /ˈt͡ʃaɪldɪʃ/, humiliation /hjuːˌmɪliˈeɪʃən/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, ordinary /ˈɔɹdɪnɛɹi/, inevitable /ɪˈnɛvɪtəbəl/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- /w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: consequence /ˈkɑn.sɪ.kwəns/, awareness /əˈwɛɹ.nəs/, sandwich /ˈsæn(d).wɪd͡ʒ/, withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/, dwell /dwɛl/
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: prominent /ˈpɹɑmɪnənt/, tune /tjuːn/, mutual /ˈmjuːt͡ʃuəl/, slight /slaɪt/, stake /steɪk/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, dynamic /daɪˈnæm.ɪk/, arrow /ˈæɹəʊ/, sandwich /ˈsæn(d).wɪd͡ʒ/, translate /tɹænzˈleɪt/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; distress, bore, explanation gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.